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YOU GUYS. I can't even. Everything is horrible. The Nashville finale has left me too emotionally distraught to write this recap, which may be the stupidest thing I've ever said.
UGH, okay. So, everything in this episode happens in really quick succession and jumps around a lot, because the whole thing is designed to make you feel like you're the sex tape SD card that Jolene put in the garbage disposal. And speaking of that, the police are trying to figure out why Jolene killed Dante, and the best they can come up with is "lover's quarrel." Juliette quite mysteriously just seems to think her mom got all crazy and fell off the wagon, and even goes to the CMAs to collect the award she's pretty sure she won. Glen and Marshall show up in her dressing room and are like, "Ummmm… are you SURE that you want to be here?" And then she gets so crazed that she loses her southern accent for a minute before leaving to go sit by Jolene's casket and make us all terribly sad. Rayna shows up at Jolene's burial and she and Juliette actually bond (in sadness!). Avery also makes an appearance, and Juliette enlists his help in having a memorial at the Bluebird. Somewhere along the way, she gets the mangled SD card from the cops investigating the murder, as well as a letter in the mail from Jolene (written before she died, not from beyond the grave… even though ghosts might be a twist we can predict for Season 3) explaining that she did this to protect Juliette. First of all, how could Juliette not realize that Jolene killing Dante was for her benefit? And second, Hayden Panettiere is amazing, per usual. We'll get to the memorial in a minute.
And THEN. You guys. Ugh. I can't even talk about it. But it is my professional duty, so I have to solider forth. Rayna tells the girls that she and Deacon are boyfriend-girlfriend, and while Daphne is typically cute about it, Maddie makes some snarky comments rooted in her paternity discovery. She shows up at Deacon's door to say she thinks he's her dad. Deacon was supposed to pick Rayna up for the CMAs, but didn't. He shows up just in time to play with her and Brad Paisley for their big CMA number, but barely will look at her, except with a sidelong scornful glance. Backstage he confronts Rayna about what Maddie told him, and she admits that it's the truth. He… doesn't take it so well. She tries to impart that he wasn't exactly suited to be a father at that particular time (noting that he broke all of her furniture, assumedly in a drunken rage), and that she and Teddy did what they thought was best for Maddie. She adds that Cole thought it would be best if she cut Deacon loose, so he could get sober. Way to make him distrust his sponsor in this relapse-laden time! Deacon freaks and walks out just before Rayna has to go on stage and present an award. Awesome.
Rayna leaves the CMAs and calls Teddy so they can have an emergency intervention with Maddie. She's packing and wants to go live with Teddy, and blames Rayna for everything. (Though eventually, after a good heart to heart, she comes around a little.) And then… NOOOOOO! Deacon is at a bar. He asks the bartender to turn off the CMAs. He looks at his drink for a long moment, and then drinks it. NOOOOOOO! And then he asks the bartender for another. NOOOOOOOO! I mean, we all know this was probably going to happen, but didn't you still hope it wouldn't? Ugh. Rayna goes to see Cole, telling him what happened and that she can't get in touch with Deacon and has a bad feeling. Good instincts, since Deacon has passed out in a dive bar booth. He then proceeds to attack Teddy right in front of City Hall, which, bad call. Gunnar later spots him puking off the side of his own porch, unable to get into his own house. He calls Scarlett to call Cole, who manages to ward off Deacon's attacks until he passes out. When Deacon wakes up, he says he's going to go to a meeting, but once Cole leaves he proceeds to wash down some Advil with a bottle of brown liquor. Juliette calls to ask if he'll attend Jolene's memorial at the Bluebird. He does, and when Rayna spots him there she follows him outside. He doesn't want to talk, but she realizes he's drunk and won't let him drive.
And then, you guys, it's the worst. All we hear is Juliette's song as we see Rayna driving and Deacon drinking and the two of them screaming at each other. And screaming at each other some more. And drinking and screaming and ugh. And now the times when I'd see them together and think, "TRUE LOVE!" are but a distant memory. Whyyyyyyyyy. And then Rayna tries to grab the bottle from Deacon, and a car crosses their path and they flip over in their giant stupid vehicle and that is the END OF THE SEASON. So, I mean, obviously they are going to live since they are the stars of the show, but everything is ruined, for always. I was actually relieved when the car crashed, just because it meant we wouldn't have to look at them screaming at each other anymore. Douchey Teddy isn't looking so bad now, right? AND -- may I point out -- none of this would have happened if Rayna had just gone ahead and boned Liam in St. Lucia. Ugh. Help. I am not going to go so far as to put a frowny face emoticon in this recaplet, even though it's a struggle not to.
Speaking of Teddy, the feds are looking into the Cumberland deal again, which, snore. Peggy didn't give them any info, because she's preggers. You know she showed him a sonogram which -- while inconclusive of the baby's sex -- showed a prominently placed beret atop its head. Also, thirteen years later we'll find out that Deacon is Beret Junior's father. Lamar demotes Tandy and she quits. Gunnar comes clean with his producer, who is like, "What's so wrong with just pretending to be an outlaw?" Despite Gunnar returning back to his former self, Scarlett is still unsure about their relationship. She has lunch with Avery and goes to see him perform, and doesn't even protest when he brings her on stage. Gunnar, who's been tipped off by Will, sees them. At the end of the episode he proposes to her, but we don't see her answer. And Will is REALLY committed to the closet, even going so far as to bang chicks in his wood-paneled apartment.
Oh! And Juliette won the CMA Award. I'm sure in Season 2 she'll use it to club somebody to death in self defense.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Jolene got real, real high and shot Dante so she could pat down his corpse and get an SD card with Juliette's sex tape on it. Scarlett bailed Gunnar out of jail before basically telling him she was all set with his outlaw fakery and, perhaps, their relationship. Ooooh, and many episodes ago Rayna and Deacon had it out on his steps, and she reminded him of the days when she had to drag him out of hotel rooms because he was so wasted she didn't know if he was dead. Foreshadowing alert! Maddie found a paternity test indicating that Teddy was not her father. What could be worse than that, you may wonder? How about: being Juliette, who found her mom dead from an overdose on the couch.
We open in the court house, where a police detective tells Juliette that they're still going through Jolene's apartment and will hopefully find something to shed some light on what happened. He confirms that they found Oxy in the apartment, as well as a few vials of coke on Dante. The guy adds that Dante turned out to be a pretty lousy sober companion. And a pretty lousy human, I would add. The detective thinks that the murder-suicide might have been a drug deal gone bad or, more likely, a lovers' quarrel. Juliette, who is red-eyed, puffy-faced and without makeup, says that she wasn't aware of a romantic relationship between the two but wouldn't put it past them. She learns that, with the autopsy complete, Jolene's body will be released to the funeral home, and then walks out into a swarm of paparazzi.
At home, Rayna cooks with the girls and turns off the news report about the "drug-fueled murder-suicide." She says that it's awful, and Daphne adds that she feels sorry for Juliette. Rayna notes that no matter how old you are, it's a terrible thing to lose your mother. A sullen Maddie adds, "OR YOUR FATHER." Um, hint. Rayna, who apparently has not discovered the busted-open box of secrets in the bottom of her closet, says that the girls won't be losing her or Teddy anytime soon. Daphne guesses that Juliette won't go to the CMAs, which allows Rayna to segue into an awkward family conversation. She says that "Uncle Deacon" has asked her to go as his date to the CMAs because they're seeing each other. Cute-as-ever Daphne asks if that means he's her boyfriend, and Rayna says that they care a lot about each other, so she guesses so. Daphne adds a very teenage, "Duuuuhhhh." Rayna wants to know how the girls feel about this news, especially since they'll be photographed and whatnot at the CMAs. They both say that they like Deacon, though Maddie is of course more sullen about it. She tells Daphne that Rayna and Deacon used to date. Daphne asks when they dated, and Maddie pipes in with, "Right before she married dad." Rayna gives her a little look and sends them off to school, but neglects to run to the bottom shelf of her closet and get wise to what's actually going on here. Context clues, people! Use them!
Meanwhile, Gunnar heads into the studio early to see his producer, Jack. Jack is quite proud that he was able to find Gunnar's recent mug shot, since it's a very marketable (if not proud, in Gunnar's eyes) moment. Gunnar then explains that the outlaw image isn't real, and that he's been stealing his dead brother's lyrics and, in some sense, his life. Jack argues that plagiarism is, in fact, outlaw, and tells Gunnar that he's fine. Gunnar says that he can't keep up the act, adding that he's passionate about his other ballad-y material. Jack explains that he's not interested in the ballads; he's interested in the outlaw junk. When Gunnar says, "But my girlfriend's not," Jack lays down and tells Gunnar that he's not serious about his career, and should actively try not to be the guy who throws it all away for some girl he's not going to remember in ten years. But how could Gunnar ever forget Scarlett when every piece of nibbled cheese he sees will remind him of her cute critter ways?
Speaking of the girl Gunnar isn't going to remember in ten years, she's sitting alone at an outdoor restaurant. Will (who is on a date... with a girl!) runs into her and thanks her for bailing him out. He adds that Gunnar spent the night on his couch, and that the two of them should talk and try to work things out. Just then Avery shows up and Will says, "...Maybe you don't want to." Awkward! Will leaves and Avery sits down just in time for Scarlett to make a "whisk" pun. She then reveals that Gunnar wasn't at the Opry show, and Avery can't believe it, noting that Scarlett was truly great. He says that Scarlett is an artist and always has been, and regrets that Gunnar was the one who brought it out in her. He says he hopes that Gunnar is treating her right, and Scarlett says that he's got a few things to work out and she needed a break. Well that is spoken like a lady who is opening a door. Avery claims to be sorry to hear that, and Scarlett laughs and tells him that he isn't. In horrible news, Avery has cultivated an especially scraggly soul patch in hopes of seducing Scarlett's scraggly weave once again. He tells her that he has a gig tonight that she could swing by to see, if she is so inclined. Scarlett smiles a little scraggly smile, and everyone is in trouble.
And then Deacon shows up at Juliette's place. He asks Emily how she's doing, and Emily admits things aren't so hot. Dead-eyed Juliette comes to the door, looking not particularly happy to see her old friend and recently retired bandleader. He tells her that he knows they've been having problems, but he still cares about Juliette and cared about her mom. Juliette seems to blame Deacon for bringing Jolene back into her life, or at least keeping her there. She says she knew that Jolene would never stay clean, and when Deacon explains he was trying to help, Juliette suggests that he stop trying to help people who can't be helped. Herself included, I'm guessing. Deacon gives one last attempt, wondering if there's anything he can do. She says he can leave so she can get ready. Get ready for what, you (and Deacon) may ask? For the CMAs. Because the finale should be as full of good decisions for Juliette as the rest of the season has been.
And then Teddy gets a call from his improbably named old pal, Dashell Brinks. These two totally have fond circle jerk memories from their time at boarding school. But this call is all business. Dash is with the US Attorney's Office, and needs to talk to Teddy about a federal audit of the Music City Credit Union, specifically a loan for the Cumberland Plaza project. And with that, the 23 testicles that Teddy has grown since cancelling Lamar's contracts with the city instantly recede. Dash asks for a time when they can speak in person, and Teddy tells him to set up an appointment with his assistant. Ruh roh!
And then Deacon opens his door to find Maddie waiting. He looks around to see if Rayna's there, but Maddie has apparently gotten herself there via cab. A distraught Maddie looks at Deacon and, with just a little hesitation, tells him that she thinks he's her father. Deacon says, "...What?" And... credits!
With that, we're at the CMA Awards. We hear an announcement saying that Rayna and Brad Paisley are up , but Rayna is preoccupied with the fact that she doesn't know where Deacon is. He was supposed to pick her up but didn't. Bucky says that Deacon's a pro and will be there. Rayna adds that Deacon was also supposed to be her date, leading Bucky to wonder if she seriously wants to go public with the relationship. She says she was, but guesses Deacon is not. Meanwhile, OMG, Rayna's boobs are EVERYWHERE. Deacon is doubly missing out.
And then Gunnar shows up at Scarlett's (and his, though maybe for not much longer) apartment with calla lilies, knowing that she doesn't like roses. She tells him not to do this, but he says that he knows he took the image thing way too far and came clean with the producer about stealing the lyrics and also not being anything near to an outlaw. He wants to forget that all of this unpleasantness ever happened, but Scarlett tells him that he can't just walk in with pretty flowers and his hair combed right and expect everything to go back to normal. He asks what more she wants, and she says she doesn't know what she wants... in a grander sense. She adds that she's not even sure what they had. And, I mean... he went crazy for, like, one week. He WAS the giant-est of douches, though, so maybe she has a point. Anyway, she's on her way out the door to see an "old friend" play at 7th and Fogg. Gunnar stands there with an, "Oh, shit" look as she walks out the door.
And then we're backstage at the CMAs, in Juliette's dressing room. She's there all dolled up as Marshall walks in with Glenn. Marshall asks how she's holding up, and a dead-eyed Juliette says that she's fine. He then asks if she's sure, which pisses her off. She also wonders what Glenn is doing there. He shakes his head -- his new toupee shows itself to be secured quite tightly. He tells her that she shouldn't do this. She wants everyone to get out of her dressing room, but Marshall worries that she's not in the right head space for a big ole' awards ceremony. She then gets reeeeaaaaaal crazy-sounding (so crazy she even loses her accent in an extended monologue!) as she says that her mother was the drug addict murderer, and not her. Jolene has taken enough of her life, and she's not going to take this award-winning moment from Juliette, despite the high likelihood that she'll have a meltdown on live TV. Glenn says he knows exactly how hard Juliette fought, and what she had to fight against. He doesn't want her to jeopardize it all by going out onstage in her current state, and tells her she has to take time to grieve. Juliette then gets reeeeaaaaal REAL crazy-looking as she yells that she should be celebrating, because it's finally over. Everyone looks very uncomfortable and Juliette realizes that she took it a step too far. She turns around to look at Glenn and says she didn't mean that. Though, really, you couldn't blame her if she did. Glenn wants to take Juliette home. She tells him no, but says she'll go. Emily escorts her out the door.
We then see Gunnar walking into Will's apartment -- which has SO much wood paneling and looks completely different than the apartment of Scarlett and Gunnar just below him. And speaking of wood, Will is in bed banging the chick from earlier underneath a giant Texas flag. And... wait. Does he have a bed that folds up into the closet, like Laverne and Shirley? Gunnar, having seen Will's stereotype-defying apartment already, is more taken aback by the banging-a-chick part of this situation. When said unwitting beard is off getting dressed, Gunnar asks Will what's up with all the girls. He says, "I thought you said you were..." and Will finishes with, "Gonna be the big thing in country music? Damn right I am." Does he... picture himself accepting a CMA Award to get it up? This is clearly a tragic situation, though we DO get to see Chris Carmack shirtless, so in the end I'll chalk it up as a win. When unwitting beard is back, Gunnar introduces himself and Will lets out the news that he saw Scarlett with Avery. Gunnar is clearly taken aback, but not so much so as when he sits down on Will's bed after he and the beard leave (to either go to dinner OR catch a screening of Behind the Candelabra -- it's not totally clear) and pops up like he got bit by a cootie.
Back at the CMAs, Brad Paisley gives Rayna a big hug and asks how he's supposed to sing when she's wearing her sparkly bustier. It does give new meaning to when she talks about "my girls." She tosses her head back and is all, "A ha ha haha," which is weird. Probably she's concerned about Deacon, who manages to show up just in time to go on stage. Rayna asks what happened with the whole picking-me-up-for-our-big-date thing, and Deacon says he got waylaid before rushing off. Even Brad Paisley notices that something's wrong, though Bucky brushes it off. On stage, Rayna and Brad sing "Accidental Racist," with Coleman doing the LL Cool J part. No, kidding, they sing Rayna's new song, "Bitter Memory." Rayna's bitter memory should be putting the results of that paternity test in a not very secure box in the bottom of her closet rather than in a shredder. She keeps looking back at Deacon while singing, but all he can muster is a surly glare. Eventually this performance will be a bitter memory, too.
Oh God, and then it all starts. Help, I don't want to relive it. But I must, as my professional duty. Rayna's getting changed backstage, and Deacon comes in and asks for a minute with her. He's so preoccupied that he doesn't even realize how foxy she looks and instantly start making out with her, as he should. He gets straight to it, saying that Maddie came to see him and wants to know if he's her father. Deacon wants Rayna to tell him that it's not true, and she hasn't been lying to him every moment of the last thirteen years. Rayna wants Deacon to tell her that he knows how to do basic addition and subtraction and at least had an inkling. And ALSO to tell her that what he told her in the limo about her being allowed to keep all the secrets that she wants because he doesn't care is true.
But nay. Rayna looks down, and Deacon gets a worried look. He asks how it's possible, and Rayna says that the fact that he doesn't remember is exactly how it's possible. Deacon wonders what that has to do with Rayna not telling him (e.g., don't bring up what a horrible drunk I was as foreshadowing for the even more horrible things that will happen later in this episode!), and she tells him to try to remember how he was at that time. He says he knows, and that he got sober. She reminds him again that it took five times in rehab, and he broke every stick of furniture in her apartment. That line is so weird that I feel it must have been improvised. Finally, Rayna says that she found out she was pregnant, talked about it with Teddy, and they decided to get married and do the paternity test after. And then she adds that Cole told her to cut Deacon loose because Cole wanted him to get better and thought that would solve all the problems. Which, I guess it did. EXCEPT FOR THIS GIANT HUGE PROBLEM, UGH. Also, way to sell out the one person that Deacon might call before breaking thirteen years of sobriety. Rayna starts to say that she and Teddy decided to do what was best for Maddie, and Deacon just goes, "She's mine?" Rayna confirms, and he runs out of the room. Rayna starts to cry, and a production guy tells her she's on in forty seconds. Deep dark secrets are bad, everyone! How many times do nighttime dramas need to tell us that before we will learn?
After a break, we see Rayna in a car, having changed out of her glamorous dress and left the CMAs. She calls Teddy to ask him to get to the house ASAP, since Maddie knows. She doesn't know how she knows, but unequivocally, Maddie knows. And I have to say, whatever you think of Rayna's decision around Maddie's paternity, huzzah for the good parenting move of going straight to taking care of Maddie in this situation, even though she's of course worried about Deacon too. Teddy is shocked by this news, and Rayna tells him that she needs him to be a partner in this. He's on it, which also speaks well for Teddy.
And then we're at 7th and Fogg, where Avery's on stage. He introduces a song about an amazing woman who happens to have just taken a seat in the audience. It's Scarlett, duh. And surprise, surprise, he brings her on stage with him because everybody brings her on stage with them. That's how you get a record deal, apparently -- just hang out in enough places where someone cajoles you on stage. The song is called "The Moon Is High," and I think it's about Avery being the big bad wolf. It is not my favorite song to have ever come out of this show, in part because Avery sounds like a child molester. Not helping is the fact that Scarlett sounds like a child. Gunnar enters and sidles up to the bar, obviously not thrilled to see his ladyfriend singing a sultry/creepy ballad with her ex. He does not threaten to huff and puff and blow the stage down, though.
With the song still going, we cut to Juliette, still in full CMA regalia, at her mother's casket. She tells Jolene's corpse that she wanted to win the award, and wanted Jolene to see her win. Juliette is still in what we might call "a state," first nothing that it was just the two of them, which means it's now just her, then asking if she was so terrible, then apologizing. Juliette wonders if Jolene would like to be sung to sleep, which Juliette used to do a lot, apparently. It's a thing that mamas do for little babies, but it was always the other way around with them. Juliette cries and says, "How could you leave me? Now I have no one." She sounds just a little angry about it, in addition to being quite sad. And then she walks out of the funeral home. And really, I think we all understand about Juliette being a little glad that Jolene is dead. As a tribute, maybe Juliette can fill the grave with pink macaroni before lowering the casket? Too soon?
And then we're at the Jaymes/Conrad manse, where Maddie is crying and packing and confirming that Deacon is her dad. Teddy says that he is biologically, but Teddy is her dad-dad and always will be. Maddie brings up Daphne, and Rayna tells her that Teddy will always love her as much as her sister. The decisions that they made when Maddie was born were because they loved her, she says. But Maddie is not hearing it, and wonders how Teddy could marry Rayna when she was pregnant by somebody else. Teddy explains that they weren't sure at first (not helping!) and that he loved Rayna so much that it didn't matter. Maddie is incensed that they'd think it doesn't matter who her real father is, and Teddy tries to explain that that's not what he meant while Rayna adds that it was a very complicated situation. But Maddie thinks she understands perfectly -- they lied to Deacon and to her. She says that she wants to live with Teddy. She thinks that all of it, including her even being born, is Rayna's mistake. Rayna tries to go after her but Teddy pulls her back, saying that if Maddie needs to work through it this way to let her do it. Teddy promises that Rayna won't lose Maddie, just as Rayna once promised him the same thing. They should try the, "At least you didn't find out on an episode of Maury!" approach.
And then we're at a bar. An empty, divey bar. With Deacon. NOOOOOOOOOOO! He sits at the counter, staring at a glass of what I presume is whiskey. The television is tuned to the CMAs, and Brad Paisley starts to list the nominees for female vocalist of the year. Deacon asks the bartender to turn it off, prompting the bartender to ask Deacon if he's not a country music fan. Deacon says, "Not tonight." He starts to raise his glass, then shudders and puts it down, closing his eyes. And then, in one swift movement (that entails about thirteen camera angles), he drinks it. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Again: NOOOOOOOOOOO! He sets down the empty glass, wipes his mouth, and exhales for a long moment. And at this moment, didn't you think/hope that he'd get up and walk away? But alas. He looks at the bartender and says, "You know what? I'd like another." Say it with me now: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And I have to say, the one thing that gave me a bit of comic relief during this episode was a commercial for my local 11:00 news with this scintillating teaser: "A Plainville boy wins fame with his geography skills! At 11."
And then we're back with Teddy explaining to his lawyer how Peggy helped him borrow $2 million that one time. E.g., embezzlement. Teddy explains that he paid the money back, but during his mayoral campaign there was an audit that "got handled" by Lamar. The lawyer thinks that they may be able to cut a deal for Teddy if they can tie Lamar to it, but Teddy assumes he's the one who tipped off the feds in the first place, which he wouldn't do unless he was untouchable. Of course he doesn't know about the Tandy/Cole factor. The lawyer explains that if the feds find the smoking gun and indict, they'll go to trial. If they lose, Teddy will go to federal prison, which will make Maddie's year even better. But the smoking gun is a necessary element, and the lawyer guesses that they'll try to find it via Peggy. And then the dirt they'll have on Teddy is the ground.
We cut to Rayna crying to Coleman that Deacon isn't picking up or returning her phone calls. She has a bad feeling that he's in trouble, and if he goes into this cycle again it will destroy him, and destroy them. I am sorry to tell her that, in the words of Juice Newton, it's a little too little, it's a little too late. Cole would have hoped that Teddy would have called him first, and Rayna conveniently leaves out that she shared his helpful advice from thirteen years ago. He does note that if Deacon's been drinking, it's better that he finds him sans Rayna. Because there is a second season, so everybody can't just die tragically. OR CAN THEY?
And then the dive bar owner finds Deacon passed out in a booth, just out of the way of the morning sun. He says he doesn't have to go home but can't stay there. Wouldn't that have happened, like, six hours ago? Get on it, bartender!
And then Juliette answers the door to find Glenn. He hands her the CMA Award, saying that she won. She sets it down and asks, "Anything else?" in her typical salty way. He simply says, "Yeah," and hugs her. Awwww, Glenn. We see how his new toupee doesn't quite blend in the back, and somehow it makes the moment even sweeter. Juliette starts to tear up, and I think we can all hope that Glenn gets his job back.
We cut to Rayna, sitting in her car at the cemetery. She's leaving a message for Deacon, of course, begging him to call her back and telling him that she loves him. She hopes he'll be at the funeral. But nay, Deacon actually is on the lawn of city hall, running up to Teddy and shoving him to the ground. He starts screaming about how Teddy stole his life and his daughter, and also kind of trying to choke Teddy. Happily, security is on hand. Teddy yells back that Deacon wasn't capable of being a father, and hasn't changed at all. Deacon screams that Teddy doesn't know him, but Teddy in fact feels that he does. He yells that Maddie deserved better, and so did Rayna. In fact, Rayna deserved a thousand times better than Deacon. And really... aren't you totally Team Teddy right now? I know I'm at least thinking about getting my membership card. Teddy tells the police officers to let Deacon go, which is the WRONG CALL. Oy.
Back at the cemetery, Rayna and Juliette have a heart to heart, both looking uber-glamorous in black mourning-chic. Rayna says that she lost her mother too, though under different circumstances (MUCH different circumstances, I'd add), and so has some idea how Juliette feels. Juliette says, not unkindly, that Rayna doesn't know what it was like to grow up with a mom like that. She grew up in the dirt, and everything was filthy. And now she gets to put Jolene back in the dirt. Juliette says that she lived her life knowing that this day would come. And there really probably was a time in her adolescence when she was like, "Yeah, murder-suicide is a likely option." She admits that she both dreaded that moment coming and wanted it, then hated herself for wanting it. Juliette always thought that if she was good enough, that Jolene would be all right. She tried to be good, but always was going to fail. Rayna tells her that it's not true -- that she's good enough. They look at each other for a while, but manage not to hug. Still, it's a nice moment. Juliette then asks if Deacon's coming. Rayna doesn't know. Sigh.
And then Gunnar shows up at Deacon's house, only to find Deacon throwing up off of the side of his porch. Is that slow enough for you? Ugh. Deacon notes that his key won't work in his door. Gunnar then opens the door without a problem, obviously. Gunnar asks if Deacon has been drinking, and the clanging of bottles in the bag that Deacon picks up speaks for itself. Deacon asks why Gunnar is there, and it turns out that Gunnar has come for romantic advice. Deacon has none, and shuts the door in Gunnar's face. Gunnar calls Scarlett quick, telling her to get Cole there ASAP.
And then we're at Jolene's funeral service. As we've seen, Rayna is there, along with Bo, Glenn and Emily. And then Avery walks up and stands in the back of the small crowd as the preacher finishes up. Juliette gets hugs all around, then spots Avery. He hugs her and says he's sorry, and also that he didn't realize it was a private service. But she's glad that he came, and actually has a favor to ask. That he shave that soul patch in honor of Jolene's memory? Cool.
And then we're back at Deacon's place, where Cole and Scarlett have shown up. Cole tries to open the locked door, and Deacon screams to go away. We hear something crashing and breaking. Fortunately, Cole is a big strong guy and gets the door open, asking Deacon what he's doing. Deacon screams at him to get out of his house, and wonders why he'd bring an obviously quite frightened Scarlett there. Deacon gives Gunnar some unsolicited advice, telling him to get away from Scarlett because he's not good enough for her. He turns to Scarlett to tell her that Gunnar is broken inside. And then he saves up his best for Cole, yelling that he's not listening to him or his AA crap anymore. It's Deacon's wisdom hour, everybody! Just as terrifying as you'd suspect. Cole tries to remain calm as Deacon continues to yell at him to get out of his house. But Cole won't, and as Deacon tries to leave, he grabs him. Deacon turns to try and clock Cole right in the face, but misses and falls down. So, that part was at least a little funny in the midst of this horror show, right? Nice pratfall, Chip Esten! I like to think that's a hangover from his Whose Line Is It Anyway days. The whole group (including a VERY frightened Scarlett) picks Deacon up off the floor, and then he charges at Cole. He pins him against some furniture and yells, "CUT ME LOOSE!" Ugggggggggggh. Of all the things that Rayna has done that are not so great, invoking that particular advice from Cole was perhaps the worst of all. Or maybe Cole should have minded his beeswax in terms of romantic affairs? In any case, this is all the worst. Not the absolute worst, though. We'll get to that in a minute.
While every commercial break is a balm for the soul, we eventually come back to Deacon trying to attack Cole and Gunnar holding him back. Cole makes Deacon look at a shaking Scarlett. Deacon apologizes, and Cole tells Gunnar to get Scarlett out even though she doesn't want to leave her uncle. When they are alone, Cole pushes a panting Deacon into a chair. Neither of them wants to talk, but Cole says that he's not leaving.
Tandy then walks into Lamar's office to see him and Smithers looking at plans for the baseball stadium. It turns out Smithers (who maybe was the leak to the feds?) thinks that it's still viable. Also, Smithers has gotten a promotion, given that his vision is more "in line" with Lamar's. Tandy sees this for what it is -- a demotion -- which I guess is what happens after a failed coup attempt. Lamar explains that she's not getting demoted -- Smithers has now just been promoted above her. Tandy tells him not to bother because she quits. Lamar is all, "Wha???" and Tandy tells him that she's just his daughter now, and apparently he can only stay on good terms with one of them at a time. Couch Baron theorized that this was a shout-out, though it seems more like a statement of obvious truth to me. But I'll take it! Meanwhile, I sure do hope they find something more interesting for Tandy to do season.
The police detective from the beginning of the episode visits Juliette at home to tell her that the officers investigating the murder-suicide crime scene found a mangled SD card in the garbage disposal. They couldn't pull any data off the card, and he asks Juliette if she has any idea what would be on it. She says no, and the detective tells her that she can have the SD card as well as Jolene's apartment since they're done processing the crime scene. He leaves, and Emily brings Juliette a letter that she got in the mail... from Jolene. Juliette starts to read it, and gives a little cry as she says that her mother was protecting her. Well, duh. What is it about all the characters on this show that they can't figure out context clues? She starts to read the letter aloud, and it says that Jolene wanted to take the blame and the scandal away from Juliette, who deserves to be clean and free. Juliette cries and shakes as she says that Jolene did it on purpose, to save her. Does no one realize that this was, in fact, the most stupid thing of all and that a sex tape is like a four out of ten on the really bad scandal scale? I still maintain that it rates way lower than anything involving a murder-suicide.
Back at Deacon's place, it's night. Cole calls Rayna while Deacon sleeps it off. He tells her to stay where she is because it's bad. Deacon finally wakes up and says, "Oh God." Cole tells him that's a good first call, since Deacon might need Him. That's probably why Deacon hates AA. Cole says that there are a lot of people worried about Deacon, and adds that Rayna told him what happened. Deacon isn't ready to talk about it, but says he'd like to go to a meeting. First, though, he'll grab a shower and coffee. Cole wants to help, but Deacon says he doesn't have to be a babysitter. Deacon gets what he's done -- thirteen years of sobriety in the shitter. All he can do is go get his welcome chip at the 8:00 meeting. Cole says he'll be there.
We cut to Rayna -- still with her uber-gorgeous funeral hair! -- talking to Maddie. Maddie is still mad (Mad Maddie!), but Rayna doesn't want her to be mad forever, since they need each other. She tells Maddie that she married Teddy because she loved him, but also because she wanted Maddie to have a father who loved her as much as Rayna does. And Rayna loves Maddie more than anybody in the world. Poor Daphne, always number two despite being the cutest and most pleasant child of all time. Rayna says that she's never ever going to leave Maddie, and too-big Maddie gets into Rayna's lap and hugs her. Well, we get at least one sigh of relief before going on to horrorshow part deux.
Just as that little crack of light has opened, we go back to Deacon, washing his face in the sink. Maybe his version of a shower is a sponge bath? No wonder Rayna left his ass in rehab. He looks at himself in the mirror, gets some aspirin from a jar, then picks up an incoming call from Juliette. He instantly apologizes for not being at the funeral, but Juliette says it's her fault for pushing him away. She tells him that she's having a memorial service at the Bluebird, and it would mean a lot if he came. He says he'll be there. She thanks him and hangs up. Ideally, Deacon's connection with Juliette could help get him back on the straight and narrow, but I have a feeling she may not want to go through the getting-sober rigmarole with another person just yet. And then Deacon washes down his aspirin with whiskey straight from the bottle. Say it again: NOOOOOOOOOO!
And then we see Teddy meeting up with Peggy in a shadowy parking garage. Have these two learned NOTHING? Now I'm reminded why we hated Teddy in the first place. I guess I am Team No One. I am Team "I Choose Me." Teddy tells Peggy that he doesn't know why, but the feds are looking at the Cumberland deal again. She knows because she met with them. He seems to think that she set this all in motion, and she tells him that they approached her and offered immunity. She makes Teddy ask what she told them before she says, "Nothing." He wonders why she wouldn't cut a deal to save herself. It's because she's pregnant, like everyone predicted. When they do the paternity test and find out that Deacon is the father, it's going to be REALLY awkward. Just at this moment, Dashell Brinks approaches the newly unemployed Tandy, who's walking out of the Wyatt Industries building. (I actually have no idea what his company is called. Maybe Evildoers, LLC?) He wants to talk to her about her father. Whatever you may say about the improbably-named Dashell Brinks, he really has impeccable timing.
And then we're at the Bluebird. Juliette is on stage, and Rayna, Marshall, Glenn and Emily are part of the packed audience. Juliette explains that her mother was far from perfect. She was a mess, but she was Juliette's mess, and her mom, and Juliette loved her anyway. And Jolene loved Juliette in turn. Jolene's biggest dream was to see Juliette sing at the Bluebird, and Juliette hopes her mama is there tonight. Avery is playing guitar as Juliette starts singing a song about how nothing in the world will ever break her heart again. It is of course the perfect song for everything that's happening now. If Nashville knows how to do one thing, it's to put together a flawless final song montage of multi-character action. We see Deacon standing in the back of the Bluebird, having just entered. Rayna spots him and gets out of her seat to go to him. Understandable, but also rude! Let Juliette sing her song without distraction! Marshall looks after them, knowing that no good can come from this. Deacon exits and Rayna follows him out the door. She wants to talk, but he gets in his car and tells her to go inside. She asks if he's drunk. Well, obviously. She tells him to slide over because she's not letting him drive. He screams at her to let him go. Dude, CALL A CAB. Ugh. Horrors.
We then see Scarlett warily approaching Gunnar at some outdoor venue before cutting to Rayna driving Deacon's car as he drinks straight from his bottle of whiskey. He looks at her, and she looks out the window. They are both silent. We flash back to Gunnar and Scarlett sitting on a swinging bench before going back to Deacon's big bottle of whiskey, and eventually Deacon and Rayna screaming at each other as she drives. Then we cut to Will at a bar with his new beard. A guy from across the bar gets up and makes eye contact with Will, obviously recognizing him. From the fear on Will's face and his subtle "no" head shake, you can tell what their relationship is. Just when we thought nothing in the world would ever break our hearts again. Juliette continues to emote the heck out of the song, as we see Gunnar get down on his knees and propose. But really: Get married, don't get married, have a thrupple with Will and appear on the second season of Polyamory: Married and Dating. I have a mere half a shit to give you at this point, fairy-like creatures of the forest! There are more pressing matters going down.
So, Rayna and Deacon. You guys, it's the worst. Remember how we used to see them and be all, "Oooooh, eye sex sexytimes sex true love hair!"? They were the best of times and we didn't even know it, and now they are but a distant memory. Rayna and Deacon are full on screaming at this point (though you don't hear them because this is all still happening to the soulful sounds of Juliette singing the broken heart song), and Rayna makes a few grabs for the bottle, quite possibly because she needs a drink to get through all this. It's really an effective scene a) because it's just so horrible; b) we get to see the full extent of how rotten their relationship was before Deacon got sober and why Rayna married Teddy. What I still don't get is why exactly Rayna was so bad for Deacon in the first place. The torture of the eye sex sober years I understand, but what was the problem in the early days of their relationship other than Deacon's drinking? Anyway, horrors, horrible, rotten, terrible, everything is ruined. EVERYTHING! Neither of them will ever be able to trust one another again, if they even can survive to season -- because as Rayna makes another grab for the bottle and the two scream at each other some more, Rayna misses a stop sign and swerves to avoid a car that's in front of them. Their car flips over a whole bunch of times and ends upside down in a ditch. Juliette finishes her song, and we're out. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And you think, of COURSE they're not going to die because they're the stars of the show, and all I can say is: shut up, that one article I read intimating that Connie Britton is not happy on this show. I am distraught enough without entertaining that possibility.
In any case, I shall wipe my tears long enough to thank you all for reading throughout the season! I will very likely be tortured about what's going to happen on this show for the entire summer, so if you are in the same boat and need someone to talk to feel free to email or tweet me! We have to band together during these troubling times.
Nothing in this world will ever break Potes's heart again. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.