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Wow, that was great, right? All kinds of things happened. Let's talk about them.
Savannah, well, she is having a tough time. Her house is springing leaks and her refrigerator is empty, and for once I'm fairly sympathetic to her sudden inability to survive even in a basic way: Between Harry's half-assed Mr. Fix-it act and Chef Douchebag territorialism, it makes sense that she doesn't know how to do anything around their house -- because he wouldn't let her. That actually makes sense to me.
So in the grand tradition of Savi, she lets Dominic take her on an all-day hooky expedition to buy baby stuff and food for the house, which ends up making them pretty adorable together for the first time. A sight that is not lost on Harry, who shows up unannounced and puts on quite a pouty show. In the end, Savi chooses Savi and puts the crib together herself, which is pretty much like the most/only triumphant thing we have seen her do.
Joss ditches a sick Alex to take Olivier and some gross jaded New Yorkers to a burlesque club, which impresses them because they are secretly all dorky. Later, he lets her drive him around in his DeLorean (see, dorky), but at the end of the night she refuses his offer of a nightcap. Which means she will be fucking him by week, guaranteed. Still, I'm enjoying Joss a lot and I like her organic and natural-seeming maturation. I just hope everybody gets out alive.
April is creeped out by Paul stalking Lucy at school, but when she confides in Richard he responds in a way that April characterizes as cro-magnon but I would call TCB, considering she didn't even blink at taking calls from a ghost three years after the guy's death. They kind of break up, which is very sad because Richard is great, but maybe it's just a bump in the road. Their road is pretty bumpy, after all.
April's solution seems dumb at first, but turns out to be genius: In lieu of a father-daughter visit, she brings over some photo albums and walks Paul through Lucy's entire childhood, pointing out how present he was in their lives, and how missed. I still think he's going to kidnap her, but at least April did a semi-sensible thing. It was nice. On the other hand, her stated reason for not calling the cops on him is that Lucy will flip out, even though Lucy is not a person who flips out. I mean, it's gotta be that she will lose all of her money and possibly be involved in insurance fraud, right?
Speaking of insurance fraud, everybody's favorite Superfund Site is at it again: Karen Kim decides that instead of seeking representation in the Widow Grey's wrongful death suit, she's going to harass Savannah, who legally cannot talk to her, until they break up as friends. Sam ends up hiring her a lawyer -- the WONDERFUL Natalie Wade, who I wish was always on this show in every scene forever and ever -- and then offering to be her alibi for the night his father died, which results in Karen's best and worst but mostly best decision of all time: She totally fucks him! Finally. Let me tell you, there was quite a celebration in the Clifton house at that point. It's just been a long time coming.
Week: Presumably Paul kidnaps Lucy, Savi finds a reason to fuck things up with Dominic and send the pendulum of dumb back the other way, Joss fucks Olivier and Karen is brutally murdered by the unstable child whose head she can't stop messing with. But in the meantime let's just bask, shall we?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
It's been ages! So let's see... Paul is back from the dead and angling to see his daughter Lucy. Joss reconciled with her sister Savi after a disastrous visit from their mother, and entered a lesbian phase. Karen was shocked (of course) by the revelation that Sam is obviously in love with her; Sam was shocked in turn when the Widow Grey then revealed her affair with Sam's father.
WOMEN BEIN' USELESS
Joss: "As merely a neophyte lesbian I have still not received my plumbing badge, so I'm unclear on what we're supposed to be doing here."
Savi: "Ever since my husband moved out, I have been deluged with simple problems any adult should know how to fix. I am a fish without a bicycle!"
Joss: "This is actually my fantasy. Us, living together in a house that is falling down around us, but with a cosmopolitan chicness. Like a Grey Gardens-meets-Sex & The City kind of thing."
Savi: "I dare you to name one difference between those two things. Crazy, untenable costumes? Check. Unending narcissism? Check. Unhealthy sexual fixations on inappropriate partners? Check. Keeping gay men as pets? Check."
They cuddle on the steps of the leaky shower, and Savi is amazing: "Everything is broken and I don't know how to fix it."
Joss: "Literally? Or...?"
Savi: "Starts there. Ends... who knows. Without Harry to tell me, I may never know what is going on with me."
Joss: "As I remember it, you were a person before you got married, correct?"
Savi: "Yes. That is when it happened. You know he wouldn't even let me open the mail, once I fucked up the water bill one time."
Joss: "You're ... kind of gross."
Savi: "No, it was all him. He was like this Australian Ricky Ricardo. It was easier to become pointless than to risk hurting his sensitive male feelings."
Joss: "How weird that you of all people were able to give up all that control! In this show's fantasy that you have ever made a decision or acted on your own behalf, I mean."
Savi: "It was weird at first, but I just pushed those feelings down and now I am pregnant with them."
The shower explodes over their heads, raining down competence and self-reliance on them both.
LUCY'S SCHOOL
Lucy: "You know, there are first graders who are allowed to walk by themselves. At least from the curb."
April: "Sorry to embarrass you, but you're obviously going to be kidnapped soon."
Lucy: "You are not sorry to embarrass me, or you would act like a bodyguard instead of a mommy. Kissing me in front of the other kids like I'm some kinda chump."
April: "But kissing you all the time is what mommies secretly want to do!"
Lucy: "Don't make me regret this. Back off, Mommy."
April: "Ah!"
Lucy: "Just kidding, I love you."
Some mom attacks and bothers her about some boring mom shit, but she spots Paul stalking her, so she -- with beautiful Richard's smiling face anticipating a morning hello, over in his car -- calls him and barks an order to meet her at a nearby park so she can once again remind him of what creepiness is and how to avoid it. I am worried about Richard, I'm not gonna lie.
LERNER & KIM, ASSOC
"Savannah? It's Karen, your best friend and legal client? Your firm is up my ass about Dead Tom and you're not even answering my calls, which is... I know that I am always on Orange but I am really close to having a nervous breakdown. At least text me."
Karen, stomping out of the office: "I'm taking an early lunch."
Lila: "Great, I'll get my purse!"
Karen: "FUCK OFF, PATRICE!"
Lila: "I'll just fuck off, then."
Karen: "YOU HAVE A LUNCH HOUR FOR A REASON, PATRICE."
APRIL
Gets into Paul's car and starts screaming immediately, in her April way.
April: "She has already dealt with my own issues surrounding the undead. If Lucy sees you now, we're all going back into therapy. thing you know Lucy's having secret conversations with dead people. Mischa Barton's throwing up in tents. I won't go through that again, Paul."
Paul: "I have a strong need to connect with my daughter, whether it's from beyond the grave or just visiting from Florida."
April: "Why now, all of a sudden?"
Paul: "Always. Being dead, I missed her a lot more than I did you. This behavior is but one reason why. But now that I'm here it's awful because she's so close, and so..."
April: "Aw, fuck. That's valid."
Paul: "April, I fucked up all three of our lives. I am so, so sorry. But now it is killing me. I can't lose Lucy!"
April: "You can't lose what you don't have. Go enjoy your other family in Florida, because you don't have one here."
Wow. I appreciate a strong stance, but that's a little insane. On the other hand, it's April. She's wishy-washy in the right way, generally, so I'm sure she'll have reconsidered by the time we see her. This is the time when you should call Richard! You need a posse, you need backup. Call Richard or it's all over, honey!
LAW OFC
Karen storms Savannah's office, looking ravishing. Actually they are both dressed beautifully today.
Savi: "You look great! But get the fuck out. I can't even be talking to you."
Karen: "Can't you tell your bosses that Mrs. Grey is a lying son of a bitch?"
Savi: "I love that you said it like that, but no. My boss is the Constitution of the United States of America."
Karen: "But we both know she is a big liar! And also tells the truth! Whichever is less convenient!"
Savi: "I took myself off the case because of this. I can't be tangled up with all this. I should have kept my mouth shut to begin with."
Karen: "And yet here we are! This bitch kills her husband and now they're blaming me?"
Savi: "Think of it like my pregnancy. I played it wrong, and now you're the one going down -- but I still feel like it's rude for you to call me out about that, now that the damage is done. I mean, think of my job!"
Karen: "My actual life is on the line here! That is job plus!"
Savi: "Fine, can I recommend a lawyer at least?"
Karen: "I got a referral for you, go fuck yourself."
I appreciate that Savannah is, for once, acting to professional standards, but I also think it's a weird moment to decide to do that. If she's off the case, she's off the case. It's not like insider trading at this point: She can tell Karen to get a lawyer and take herself off the case. That's the extent of what she can do. She can't really offer Dominic extra information about the case, because all the information we have just proves Karen's responsible for the whole thing. Which is maybe why that conversation went so poorly: Karen fucked up infinity times, and legally deserves what's coming , so being vague is probably better than being specific.
Like, even if your BFF is marching around yelling at you and needs a sharp smack in the reality, you can't very well say, "I guess the moral of the story is don't fuck your clients and give them lethal doses of morphine and then destroy your records and then write fraudulent conflicting records and then date the PI on the case and then drive the guy's son and wife both crazy. I guess today we've learned to avoid doing as many of those things as possible, if you can at all help it."
Especially since it's Karen, who would have ample documentation proving the obvious response, "I CLEARLY CANNOT HELP IT."
REAL ESTATE
Joss: "...Olivier, what can I do for you?"
Olivier: "How did you know I was lurking?"
Joss: "I could smell your Aqua Di Gio from two decades away."
Olivier: "Nice burn. Listen, can you change into your Party Slut disguise and help me with yet more boring clients?"
Joss: "Well, if they're from NYC you need to get them out of Beverly Hills, because everything closes at ten. Get 'em onto the Strip immediately."
Olivier: "He's industry, and they seem like gross swingers, so immediately I thought of you."
Joss: "You are starting to value my skill set, just like I said you would! But I'm afraid I have a date with my girlfriend Alex, who is a woman, that I have a monogamous sexual relationship with, in an LGBT way."
Joss: "...There's that male attention I've been craving. Jackpot!"
LAW OFC
Dom is charmed by Savi conked out on her office couch, because being Savannah she doesn't feel the need to close the blinds or anything, just kick off those heels and have at it. Because he never met a boundary, he decides to open the door and start removing the file folders arrayed all over her body, and then chuckles when she wakes up terrified by a person touching her while she is asleep, because he thinks he's adorable, and she thinks she's adorable, and they both find each other exactly as adorable as they think themselves to be.
Dom: "Sorry, just removing this accordion file from on top of a baby that might be mine, we still apparently have no way of knowing."
Savi: "I'm just so tired from working as hard as I self-sabotage."
Dom, sweetly: "Take your shit and work from home. It's what you do best anyway, and right now you need to take care of yourself!"
Savi: "Without a man to take care of me, I have forgotten how to do that. I'm living like a raccoon Phys Ed major. I eat ramen noodles that are still crunchy, and stay up all night playing Xbox."
Dom: "You, bed, laptop. Maybe some ice cream."
Savi: "You're a good friend. Despite everything horrible I am constantly doing."
MAISON
April drops coffee on some people and offers it on the house as well as on the blouse.
Richard: "Free coffee? Today's my lucky day!"
April: "Oh right, my boyfriend. I completely forgot about you somehow."
Richard: "I sense a train wreck in the offing. Is Paul still harassing you?"
April: "Worse, now he's watching Lucy in secret because he misses her so much. That bastard!"
Richard: "Did you make him cry? Good! He is playing you, honey. Call the cops!"
April: "I feel like maybe he is being sincere. Also, if I turn him in I will lose all my money. Also, Lucy will lose her shit."
Richard: "I realize that involving Lucy is the nuclear option, but to me it seems like now is the time."
April gets very indecisive and stressed out about it, and he gives her the full-on wonderful Richard treatment that usually calms her down, but no. Ghosts are her Kryptonite!
April: "He's just being so irrational! About this awful thing I am asking him for."
Richard: "I guess if you're ever going to stop crying, I'm gonna need to fix this for you."
April: "Just don't hurt your face. It is the best face."
REAL ESTATE
Joss: "Remember Choose Your Own Adventure?"
Olivier: "I come from a cultural wasteland that is called France."
Joss: "Right, got it. Anyway, here are three different itineraries depending on how gross your visitors are. We've got Curious, Edgy, and Kinky. I booked the limo already, and got you on every velvet-rope line in the city. Boom."
Olivier: "That was fast work!"
Joss: "It's called a wheelhouse."
Olivier: "I admit I'm going to miss you tonight."
Joss: "Because you underestimated me when we met?"
Olivier: "Kind of the opposite, actually. But also, you're growing up. My presence is working, perhaps."
Joss: "Yeah, between you and Alex and my dumb mom and my fight with my sister I've had like two years' worth of lifetime in the past ten episodes. And for recognizing and validating that, you get your first sparkle of our working relationship."
It's powerful! This whole thing of loving Joss really puts a spin on her earlier bullshit. But like Olivier, I find that Early Awful Joss and Recent Wonderful Joss are not that hard to synthesize into one complicated Fascinating Joss. It took a damn while, though. And it's a bummer that Savi's been de-compensating/regressing just as quickly. Do you think that's the plan? Like, by the finale Joss will just be carrying her broken ass around on her back, and Savi will be carrying the baby on her back, and perched on the baby's back, microscopically invisible to the naked eye: Karen's competence.
SAVANNAH
Annoyed by the dripping and unable to be depressed properly, Savi calls Harry.
Harry: "What the fuck do you want?"
Savi: "Plumbing."
Harry: "Are you fuckin' kidding me?"
Savi: "Is that an imposition?"
Harry: "I am very busy today at the Farmer's Market but I can give you two helpful hints. Number one is, figure out how to solve this very simple problem. Number two is, get your shit together. You need to do this on your own, for everybody's sake."
Savi: "Yeah, I know. I was just spit ballin'."
They hang up and both think about how she is turning out to be surprisingly trifling. Even in separation, they are still in sync on the big stuff.
I get the thing here, I do. I feel for her, for all the reasons she has talked about. And I will never be pregnant or a married lawyer lady, so I can't imagine the amount of calories she burns just keeping her head above water. But I think where the disconnect lies is, these are the things I would have been thinking about while I burned my life down around me in the first place.
"If I do absolutely everything I can think of to drive my husband out of the house because I hate him, that will mean that he is not in the house. A tautology to be sure," I would say to myself, "But one with serious consequences."
Even if I didn't think about it right away, I would think about it pretty much immediately once he was gone. "Welp. I just moved my cheese. Having built a life with this person and then removed half of that life -- and not cleanly, but jagged-edged, like random Jenga pieces being teleported from throughout the structure -- is going to require some cantilevering on a basic level. Can't count on my fake lesbian sister, and Dr. Smarty and the Ghost Whisperer are not going to be helping me, so I guess I need to make a budget to pay for the blue-collar parade that is about to start up as my house falls down around me one thing at a time."
Actually, no: April is exactly what's called for here. The upside to widow-dom is that there aren't a million soft-landing fake-outs to keep you from seeing what's really up. I mean, she's got Lucy to help out with the complicated stuff, but you and I both know April Malloy could fix that shower in the time it took Savi to make that embarrassing phone call.
My favorite thing about Yang's wedding, if you can remember back that far, was that it wasn't about her claustrophobia or her commitment issues or her dead dad or any of things you would assume on a lesser show: It was about her horror that she'd let him pull out those Jenga pieces one by one, watched him do it, delighted in surrendering to it, and then all of a sudden she looked back at her life and suddenly she could hear the wind whistling through those Jenga holes and realized how complicit she was in the whole thing. That blew me away.
After commercial, Savi's on the phone getting estimates from professionals and complaining about it to them -- as is her way -- which is the other thing I don't get: Now that you don't have his huge fuckin' ego in the way, why not call a plumber? Instead of fixing the same thing over and over and over, why not actually fix it? He's not there to get butt-hurt, or shove you out of the way, or lecture you like a Sorkin character about shit he clearly doesn't fully grasp, so just do it.
I am a huge proponent of throwing money at problems, if the problem actually gets solved. I think it hearkens back to our Puritan roots that we think there's something weird about paying someone to provide a service for which they are accredited: If the problem gets solved, fuck it. Nobody said character could only come from misery. Sometimes clearing a space to work is how the work gets done. It's like, we always have this conversation about mental health drugs getting overprescribed and whatever, but the truth is that properly used, they clear just enough space to really get things done and changed. That's what this is.
And then too, reading too much into Savi's psychology as I am prone to do, there's the look-in-the-mirror question of, why did this ever have to get fixed more than once? Because you wanted something to hold onto, because there was an aching kind of comfort in knowing that, six months from now, the faucet would start to drip again. And depending on your mood, you had so many options: Resent him for not fixing it right, or simmer for days and sleepless nights waiting for him to notice it himself, or curl yourself up in his big strong arms and beg him to fix it and be a husband and man, so he would feel good about himself and happy in the marriage. All kinds of points to redeem, coupons to save, all the million ways of using that faucet to jockey for dominance. All of them ready to roll, depending on how you felt that day.
Even the best couples do this, this thing where they like to have the same conversation over and over, and bring things up over and over, because there is a comfort in this. It gives me the total creeps -- from my safe, judgmental distance -- but it also keeps me on the lookout in my own relationships: Am I happy to resent this thing instead of talking about it, because the cost would be too high or the roots go too deep? Am I filling in his part of a conversation in my head because I already know how it's going to go? Am I annoyed with someone else and just happy for a chance to express it? Is any problem or recurring hassle really too complicated to explain, or am I just happier being petty?
Anyway. Dominic arrives at her door as she's hanging up on a contractor, bearing tea for her symptoms... And her briefcase (which is full of briefs) which she left at work, because of something called "Pregnancy Brain" which reminds me of one of my favorite lines from my favorite movie, Jennifer's Body: "PMS isn't real, Needy! It was invented by the boy-run media, to make us seem like we're crazy!" God, I love that movie. Weaponized Mean Girls.
LERNER & KIM, ASSOC
Karen: "Lila, as our receptionist I would like for you to research law firms and find the perfect one for me. Don't worry about doing any of your actual job requirements."
Lila: "I still don't know what those are."
Sam: "Hey, it's me! Sam! Dressed like a little boy!"
Karen: "Lila, cancel all my appointments."
Lila: "I still don't know what those are."
Karen: "Sam, it is more than okay that you're here. Let's be more alone together so it can get weird. I'm sorry about sleeping with your father before I ever met you."
Sam: "It's okay, I'm kind of delusional. Anyway, I know we can't talk about the lawsuit, but I was just feeling like I should do that anyway. You know my mom is after your ass, right?"
Karen: "I know. I have gathered at least that. But in my way, I haven't even gotten a lawyer as yet."
Sam: "As an erstwhile student at Brown, I can tell you that's a bad call."
Karen: "I know, honey."
Sam: "Anyway, sorry. And I really understand our whole storyline now, now that I know about you and Tom. It kind of made me back into a person, even though I found out in a weird way."
Karen: "This responsible, mature side of you is really unattractive, Karen Kim."
JOSS
Is dressing up like a superhero for her Alex date when she fields a call from Alex, cancelling the date because she has yoga-related illness, and immediately calls Olivier to reschedule their visit to a sex club or whatever awful thing is going to happen. Luckily, she and her boobs are already perfectly set to go for just such an occasion: Lavender push-up merry-widow, basically identical to the one she made Savi try on in the first or second episode; ridiculous crystal chandeliers cascading nearly to her clavicles... A less lovely girl, with smaller hair, would look like a hooker. I mean, she looks like a hooker, but in a cute Joss way.
SAVANNAH
Cutely scarfs a sandwich, which Dom finds charming enough that he wants one of his own. They are actually so cute together this week. He goes to the fridge and it is just as fratty as you might think: Half-and-half, a single beer, an egg. He mourns for her lost humanity, and thinks about making a grocery list so she can learn what those are like. Joss arrives, and immediately crawls right up his encroaching ass.
Joss: "Fuck are you doing in my sister's kitchen?"
Dom: "Have we even met? And why are you dressed like the Bunny Ranch?"
Joss: "Thanks for care taking my vulnerable sister, but are you aware that she is working things out with her husband? #TEAMHARRY."
Dom: "Sure, I support her in whatever she does."
Joss: "You're disgusting! You will never fuck her again!"
Dom: "Life is a negotiation, rude girl."
Joss: "I can't believe you just admitted it! Or how that doesn't help at all!"
RICHARD
Arrives at Paul's motel room clearly looking to rumble, and Paul lets him in. The camera gets very hand-held and scary, and awkwardness abounds.
Paul: "I recognize you, you're April's friend. I saw you outside her shop."
Richard: "So Lucy's not the only one you're stalking."
Paul: "As a fellow father you should know better than to say shit like that. Did April sic you on me?"
Richard: "No, I'm just here to reiterate her request that you GFTO."
Paul: "That almost sounds reasonable. But another perspective is that you've just been keeping my side of the bed warm."
I can't believe both dudes just openly admitted they are scheming the things they have been denying scheming! That's really fun. I like this thing where not-main characters have discussions. How great would it be to see what Sam and Elizabeth are like when Karen's not around? I bet it's super creepy. The first image that thought evoked was one of those Fancy Feast commercials from the '80s, like, she puts paté in a crystal ramekin and then rings it with a tiny fork and he comes bounding into the formal dining room and then she silently watches him eat it from the other end of a very long table.
Richard: "Stay away from both of them."
Paul: "It is so hard to concentrate on what you're saying when you look like this."
Richard: "April won't call the cops, but I sure will. Here's cash for a bus ticket, tucked into your breast pocket. Also known as the moment I went a little too far."
Fisticuffs! Sadly, it seems that Richard gets his ass soundly beat. Which, kind of you were asking for it with the money trick, but also: This man has lived in Florida for three years. He's basically Snake Plissken at this point, so why would you start shit.
SAVANNAH
While Karen gets interrupted by yet one more person just walking the hell into her office, who turns out to be a hot British lady attorney presumably paid for by Sam -- unless she is an actor like Miranda's little-boy attorney, and the Elizabeth Grey rabbit hole goes even more amazingly deep than we thought -- Dom returns to the living room, laughing at Savi for how she is a desperate animal barely clinging to civility.
Savi: "I kind of forgot to shop for food. For six years."
Dom: "Oh right, because your husband is a chef. I get it now, sorry."
Savi, awesomely: "My life is a shit storm, which is fine, except for how I am pregnant. I'm guessing my baby's gonna want to eat quote something other than mustard. "
Dom: "It's funny because it's sad. All right, get up."
He pulls her off the couch and suddenly they are in each other's space. She thinks about not going to dinner with him, but then the creaking of her impending plumbpocalypse sends them running out into the night. I feel weird about rooting for these two, which is new to this episode, but I am proud that it's not even a little bit about hating Harry. It's not petty to want Savannah to be happy; they're just cute. Plus, God knows Dominic has more patience than any human, which will come in handy.
LERNER & KIM, ASSOC
The internet is telling me this lawyer lady is named Natalie Wade, played by the beautiful and authentically British Tehmina Sunny (whose Twitter, by the way, is delightful). She is fantastic, not least because she has less time for Karen's shit than anybody Karen has ever met. She is presenting, at least in this opening volley, almost as the Olivier of Karen: The person who is in your corner but has no time for the jibber jabber.
Natalie Wade: "Don't even ask who's paying me to represent you, trust me. Now, what's got this all stirred up is that the insurance company found two scrips you wrote for morphine? Which is fucked up, especially since you're not an oncologist, but even weirder is the fact that they just found this..."
Karen: "-- Long story. Although you're right that it's not hugely realistic for this to be the new evidence, considering he was terminally ill and questionable medical care is what the entire case is about."
Natalie Wade: "Also, they're going to claim you administered it."
Karen: "That's the thing, I didn't! That bitch took that chance away from me!"
Natalie Wade: "Okay, whatever. I don't actually care."
Karen: "But I really didn't! She's after me!"
Natalie Wade: "Again, I believe you about all of this. Listen, this is a civil suit about lost wages due to an untimely death. So that's like a few weeks of wages because he was dying. This isn't about money, this is about ruining your life."
Karen: "Thank you. Now we're on the same page."
I love this! I love this lady, and even more so I love the whole "fuck it, let's get on with this storyline" they're giving us. Loose ends? Screw 'em, burn 'em off, let's move. Plus Natalie Wade is herself great. I am sad to think about how she has only yet begun the long walk down the road of Karen not getting it, ever, on any level. She thinks she's talking to a grownup professional woman, not a strange alien Teletubby who just wandered into our reality and has no idea what is ever going on.
Natalie Wade: "This is fun! Okay, where were you the night he died?"
Karen: "I was at home. Alone."
Natalie Wade: "So you don't recall."
Karen: "I just said I..."
Natalie Wade: "-- That you don't recall. Come on, Karen Kim. I mean, I wish I knew who you were with, but you can say you don't remember if you don't. Although, are you sure you weren't with one of the other chicks on this show?"
Karen: "That's going a little far."
Natalie Wade: "Well, we'll see."
Oh my God who is this woman and why is she not regulating everybody? This entire show would be five minutes long if Natalie Wade had shown up way back in June.
"You! Ghosts aren't real, don't be an idiot! You, leave your awful husband immediately! You! You're not a lesbian, grow up and act normal! All of you bitches need Oprah!"
LE SEX CLUB
New York Dirtbags: "How do you deal with the lack of irony here?"
Joss: "The weather helps."
New York Dirtbags: "Plus all these struggling actresses with daddy issues. Nothing ironic about a threesome!"
Olivier: "What's so kinky about this place?"
Joss: "Three, two, one... Burlesque show!"
So they watch the burlesque show and it's very empowering for everybody. The part where the one girl in her underwear whips the other girls in their underwear and then pulls on their hair while they crawl around like dogs on their hands and knees: Super empowering. Just what mommy wanted for her future business executive.
Meanwhile Malala Yousafzai, at 15, has recovered her eyesight and is able to talk and walk again after the Pakistani Taliban shot her in the head last October for wanting to learn to read, but by all means you go right ahead, Pussycat Doll. Susan B. Anthony just called to say, "You go, girl!" Not many people know this but she fuckin' loved a good old burlesque show. After the right to vote, it was like her favorite thing.
APRIL
Richard shows up looking a little roughed-up. His beautiful face is bleeding, but honestly it's not hugely distracting. He's still Richard.
April: "We gotta call the cops!"
Richard: "That was my suggestion, you said no."
April: "Wait, this is Paul? You went to Paul?"
Richard: "In my defense, he started the fight itself. After I begged him to do so."
April: "You have overstepped!"
Richard: "Either I'm in this or I'm not. You're keeping me halfway and it makes me crazy. The question is whether or not we're a team."
April: "Um..."
Richard: "Yeah, okay. You know what about train wrecks? They love it. This is you choosing the mess. I signed on to be in the vortex, not just stand by watching the spin cycle. You've picked the single example where 'stop helping and just comfort me' isn't going to fly. And the reason for that is, you're still conflicted."
April: "Kind of yeah. Can a sister get five minutes to think, though?"
Richard: "Three years enough?"
He leaves. I hate it for personal Richard-related reasons, but I do kind of agree with him here, which I hate because April is the only one of these chicks that ever does anything right, usually. When you find yourself stuck in a trouble, the first thing you do is consider your options: Doing nothing is still doing something, just a shitty something. The supremely adaptable and brilliant Lucy's hypothetical freak out is not a good enough reason to ruin everything else that is good. I kind of wish it were about the money, which frankly is a bigger concern (including for Lucy's sake). Maybe if she were still having night terrors from her dad dying or something, I could see being this paralyzed by it, but you raised a great kid specifically because you wanted her to be great when it counted.
FOOD COURT
Savi: "Man, how great is it to play hooky from work? Like I do every single episode."
Dom: "I'm glad you're having fun in this mall with me, like we're on a date. Hey, can we talk about your baby now?"
Savi: "Sure, I'm nine weeks pregnant and losing my shit about it. I can't picture my life, a thing I've always been able to do."
Dom: "My mom worked, and I had a great childhood. She was amazing, you're amazing, you'll figure it out."
Savi: "Tell me more about this mythical creature the single mother."
Dom: "Oh my God just lean in. You didn't invent womanhood, you have plenty of role models. And your child is going to be amazing."
Savi: "You mean, if it's yours?"
Dom: "No, because it's yours."
Love it! Love it even more because he straight-up told Joss he was planning to win her, so it works on at least three levels: A wonderful thing to say to a stressed out mommy-to-be, a great thing for their cute friendship romance, and major boyfriend points.
I didn't think they were going to sell me on this shit at all, but I am now very into it. And Savannah's face, eloquently and silently, says pretty much the exact same thing.
HARRY RUINS EVERYTHING
The business partner guy that wouldn't quit talking about the lamb dish a few weeks ago is on it again: Apparently the restaurant is going down the tubes unless they do something drastic. I say, start with firing that awful hostess. Harry says, Whatever man. Hang loose. Beach bro nonsense. His blasé attitude pisses the man Jeff off so much I think he's going to quit or at least storm away, but then he is in turn distracted by some cute young ladies, and asks the disinterested and irresponsible Harry to be his wing man. Since this would involve Harry doing anything other than ruining everybody's day all the time, Jeff goes it alone.
LERNER & KIM, ASSOC
Karen, apparently having forgotten she has a home where she lives, is still in her office, reeling from her encounter with All That Is Natalie Wade.
"Savannah, it's me again, calling you even though I know you legally can't talk to me. For some reason that only makes sense because I am Karen Kim, I have decided that you sent me my new attorney, so I was calling to vaguely thank you and apologize for blowing up your shit this morning. I'll call you, fruitlessly once again, in the morning."
I mean, that's ludicrous by human standards -- considering Sam dropped by an hour before Natalie did to make sure you knew he was sending her to you, and your entire conversation was him specifically confirming that you didn't have a lawyer -- but you're also pretty far out on the limb thinking that Savannah has spared you a single thought since you walked out of her office. On her best day Savi barely gives a shit about any of these people.
Half of Savi's scenes are just her telling other people on this show she doesn't have time for their nonsense; it's one of the awesome-r things about her, actually. The upshot of growing up a Carver woman is that you know to always put the mask on yourself first. Especially if the crashing airplane in question is Karen Kim's always/already on-fire airplane.
SUFFRAGETTE CITY
Everybody at the burlesque is still pretending to enjoy themselves -- now getting a little old-school, with a lesser remix of one of my favorite songs of all time actually, Dragonette's "I Get Around" -- when Joss checks her phone and -- as someone's bored young sister or daughter humps the floor rhythmically in front of their faces, sweating and miserable -- Olivier realizes how boring all of this is.
Olivier: "You don't have to pretend you're having fun, it's okay. You've done an amazing job today and tonight."
Joss: "I guess I'm just burnt out on fake sex and objectification. Do you mind if I step out and check on Alex?"
There's a super neat moment where he pulls her back towards him, because it's loud, and she looks at him like, "Are we about to have a problem?" and he smiles this disarming smile because that's not what's happening, and just says, "You wear commitment well." Which she loves: The God of Very Hard Things has noticed, and approves! (Time to fuck it up!) I love it too, although it's quickly wearing into a groove where once she's earned his approval, she'll have earned him -- which is kind of like getting sent back to square one, sex with the boss -- but I don't know. This show has begun to earn the respect of its surprises on stuff like that.
I wouldn't hate it if they, say, actually verbalized their mutual respect on the way there: That they are both breaking down their mental impressions of each other as they get to know each other better, and subsequently building up truer models than if they'd met on the street or something, because of this whole work/life/lesbian obstacle course. Like, half the problem with the Davises is that they are so stuck on who they think the other one is they can't see or hear the real person standing in front of them. It would take years for Olivier and Joss to get that messed up, because they have the clarity now of a space to work outside of sex.
And I know what you're thinking I'll say: How horrible for Alex to be the door in Joss that gets her there, how terrible to be the Mercutio that ushers Joss into her first real grownup heterosexual relationship and then gets discarded. But actually I don't think that, because Alex is too smart to be with Joss in the first place, which means on one level she is choosing this role. (Most of us wrap up sleeping with straight guys by thirty, I'll put it that way.) I mean, hopefully she'll learn a little something by the end of it, but either way it's fair because isn't that after all what Joss did for her originally? Gently and lovingly show her the exit door, with Sally?
SAVANNAH & DOM
Come home bearing all the things a baby needs, giggling softly to themselves, acting like partners which of course they have been for a long time, and who's that coming down the stairs with a big old wrench? A monkey one!
Harry: "Fixed the shower. You whores."
Dom: "It's smartest if I let you hang yourself on this one, so I'll be quiet."
Savi: "I don't ever do anything or say anything, so I'm just gonna stand here too."
Harry: "Then I'll symbolically toss Dominic this gigantic wrench, as a stand-in for this house, our baby, and your vagina."
Savi: "The really hilarious part is that I don't even know your business is failing!"
Savi: "This is so jacked up! I have the worst timing!"
Dom: "It's okay."
Savi: "He told me to fuck off! He told me to fix it myself!"
Dom: "It's okay. You can explain..."
Savi: "It's so cute how you think he's a grown man."
Dom: "Right. Well, do you want me to stay, or...?"
Savi: "Uh, no way? I mean, not like I'm mad at you, I just... I'm not gonna make it that easy either. I am not the kind of messed-up-and-nesting where we make out."
Dom: "Then my work here is done. Have fun being all alone with how perfect I am."
APRÈS LE SEX CLUB
Things get weird(er) as, outside the club, Olivier officially gives the Dirtbags to Joss as her new clients, and then the valet brings his car around, and it's a DeLorean, and before Joss can even make a joke about French people Olivier fully goes, "What, I love Back To The Future, sue me. Michael J. Fox is a fucking peach."
Now, I don't know what that does for Joss, but I'm already on the record w/r/t how I feel about Mike Dopud in general and Olivier in specific, so I can hardly even say I'm surprised that they just kicked his perfection up a notch. Like if Natalie Wade was like, "Karen, what are you feelings on Battlestar Galactica? What Cylon do I remind you of?"
Joss: "That is fucking charming. You are blowing my mind right now. Also, this car is ridiculous. You must let me drive it around, immediately. And let me just get this out of the way..."
Olivier: "Oui, you can take it up to 88, but only if we call it 141.6. Le Système International."
Joss: "I don't know about all that, but I do know Alex could be puking her guts out right now and I wouldn't even care."
MALLOY MOTEL
April: "Can I come in?"
Paul: "Are you going to taunt me with money? Because I am a puncher."
April: "Whatever. I brought a photo album of pictures with Lucy. This makes sense to me, because I was married to your photograph for three years."
Paul: "Just tell me the stories."
She does. I'm not sold that this is the equitable solution -- and in fact, you're only stoking the fires of Lucy's inevitable abduction -- but it's still pretty classy how she does it: Not the bad stuff, the hard stuff, just the real things: the events, the moments. It's sweet. It carries a lot more weight than I thought it would when she plunked that shit down.
When Paul notices they still put his Christmas stocking up, and filled his Easter basket, and made his favorite cake on his birthday, he starts to figure it out: Not only that they have grieved and healed, but more importantly that she kept him alive in Lucy's memory, the perfect father and husband, and ripping that down now would tarnish everything. I take it back, April Malloy is still a genius.
"I tell Lucy you're with her everywhere she goes," she says, and he quietly thanks her. He's a better father dead, and (at least until he kidnaps her in five minutes) it's not even a metaphor: He is, in some ways, more a part of her life -- and certainly a healthier part -- than if she'd come up with any other solution at all. You consider your options, and this was the only April option: Find a way to give him peace without wrecking everything. That's the April way, and she did it with grace and her usual compassion, and Paul actually got the message. Second to actual contact, this was the right call.
Too bad we lost Richard to it, though. That is a goddamned shame, it really is.
KAREN'S FRONT PORCH
As usual, plays host to Sam Grey. He asks how it went with Natalie Wade, and Karen is just flabbergasted by this fact, and Sam has to think his way around why that would be, because there is no reason except that Karen is weird and doesn't ever get it, whatever the "it" happens to be.
Sam: "She didn't tell you? Not that she needed to?"
Karen: "No, I'm just Karen."
Sam: "Yeah, my dad hated going up against her court, so I knew she was good."
Karen: "Why didn't you tell me about her? During our conversation that was entirely about her?"
Sam: "Because I knew you'd refuse my help. You're so good at helping others, but you don't ask for what you need."
Karen: "At least half of that statement is true."
And then -- I am not making this up -- the silly ass fuckin' invites him in! "Almost got out of this one unscathed. Whew! That was close."
I mean, leaving aside the fact that he's emotionally labile and obsessed with you. Leaving aside the fact that you are trained to know whether or not he's faking this sudden clarity. Leaving aside for a moment the facts that he stands to benefit from this legal case, that he is primed to be a key witness for either side, that she crossed multiple lines with him professionally and personally, that your medical malpractice is nothing compared to your insurance fraud, that the last time we saw him he was realizing that the woman he was in love with fucked his dying father. Leaving all those things aside, Karen, you are still a pedophile.
On the other hand, it seems clear that this episode is about to end in either smooches or Sam chasing her around that house with a giant knife, and while both of those options would be equally satisfying in many ways, only one of them leads to substantively more Sam, so I'm going with option A: first some cat-blinks, then the smooching. Come on, Karen. You can do it. I have faith in you to make the worst possible decision in any scenario, and you have never let me down before.
Sam: "So how is your defense looking?"
Karen: "Yes, let's talk about it in depth."
Sam: "I'm the only other person that knows my mom is lying."
Karen: "But did you know that I have no alibi for that night?"
Sam: "I can do that for sure!"
Karen: "So you're either already aware of, or completely oblivious to, the fact that this means your mother killed your father?"
Sam: "Just say I'm your alibi. Come on, do it."
Karen: "Well, that is way more fucked up than dragging my friends into it. So I'm in!"
You would have to have been watching the show the whole time to understand what happens , which is that Karen Kim gazes into the abyss and realizes she has hit rock bottom, and that she's going to need dynamite to go lower, but luckily she's got 140 pounds of quivering, barely legal dynamite sittin' right there on her couch, cat-blinking and lip-having and all the other dangerous things that Sam Grey brings to the table. He holds her hand and she fake-cries and apologizes to him -- I don't even know for what, at this point, except time-travel cheating on him with his own father? -- and then she leans into kissing range, and the cat-blinks pull her in like a black hole, and then instead of kissing he goes straight to the neck! Sam Grey, I can't even HANDLE YOU.
I mean seriously, the way it's shot and the way he acts it -- which is, true to form, as if Vasco Núñez de Balboa just won the lottery; like her body is Christmas and the sun's just coming up -- it's not only because I have been waiting for ten weeks for this that makes it the hottest scene on the entire series. Not even a silly -- but not bad -- lullaby-ish version of "Come As You Are" could ruin this horrible, wonderful, sexy, disgusting moment.
This show is so fucking legit sometimes. I never thought any of them, much less Karen Kim, could have such a packed moment -- ranking near the most complicated Joss stuff, honestly -- but in her cartoony way she has done exactly that: "Oh, is my life crashing down all around me? Actually trying hasn't gone very well, I wonder what actively working against myself in every possible way would feel like. Oh, it feels like being on fire? That works." With just like a soupçon of "Thanks for being just young and dumb and horny and crazy enough to commit perjury for me, that is very cool of you. I haven't felt this safe since your dad died."
Or else -- and I sincerely hope this is true, but he runs around half-naked for a couple of episodes before we find out -- he is doubling down on the crazy and this is all one more level of the rabbit hole and he'll be like, "It doesn't matter that I got you a good lawyer, because you have no case, because I recorded you asking me to be your dumb ass's alibi right before I fucked you, you IDIOT. Take that, DAD! Take that, KAREN KIM!"
Either way, they get down to business, and it is phenomenal. Whatever shall I wish for ? You know, everybody was so weirdly excited last night about seeing Eric Northman's dick on True Blood and it was just like, "You've seen a dick before. And if you haven't, did you know you can look them up on the internet you are on?" But now I think I get it. I've wanted to see Sam Grey smooch somebody since early June, more than I have ever wanted anything in life. And it's not because I've not seen smooching before. Trust me, not to brag but I've seen smooching before and I'll see it again. NBD. But this one, it's special. This one is mine.
WEEK
Somebody gets into a car accident. Alex figures out that Joss is planning to sleep with her boss, or maybe already has by that point. Karen figures out that Sam is possibly screwing her two or more ways. Savannah realizes absolutely nothing is standing between her and Dominic, which means Harry's going to pull some new shit of some kind or another out of his hat. And Richard is not totally out of the picture? Whatever, that is awesome if it's true, but I can't really concentrate right now. Savi's putting together cribs, Karen's robbing them, it's a whole thing.
SO MEANWHILE
Joss thanks Olivier for the ride, en français, and sweetly declines a nightcap -- but the underlying agreement is that it's on the table, which means the earthquake is coming, and April sits with Paul, telling him the story of the life he lost out on, and Savi -- flummoxed by furniture, wrench in hand -- blows her hair out of her eyes and considers her options, and by the time we see her again, she's standing in the nursery, tightening the last screw on that crib.
It is beautiful.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.