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Who's not coming to dinner: A black baby, rendering this entire episode title a weirdly moot and random reference. They don't even have dinner! They have a party, which the entire guest list is: These four chicks, another chick, Hot Richard, two little girls and a bartender named Diego. Which isn't even a party, much less dinner. Much less anything that deserves to share a title with, like, the best movie of all time. Although it is pretty fucking good.
The big news: Just as Harry's packing up his double mezzalunas, his hoozits and whatsits galore, Savannah (and Joss)'s mother Janet shows up in all her ayahuasca-drinking, free-spirited, Running With Scissors, Flubber's mother horror. You know the story: She left them to fend for themselves growing up, always with the jet-setting, and that's why Savi and Joss are the way they are, the end.
Of course Joss is excited because she always thinks Mommy is going to stick around, but of course Janet's only in town for 24 hours before moving to Rio, so they throw her a big Brazil-themed party with a bartender named Diego and some caipirinha-fueled attempts at motherhood that leave mostly everybody devastated: Her assumption was that the Davis marriage was on the rocks because Harry cheated, not because Savi did.
Joss decides to run away to Rio to help Janet settle in, but after overhearing a serious talk about responsibility (THIS WAS HEARTBREAKING) and also Mom leaving the country without her (ALSO HEARTBREAKING), she realizes what a standup guy her sister is, and they finally reconcile. And while Savi isn't opening the DNA results just yet -- or telling mom about the baby at all -- she does give Joss the envelope, in a perfectly cromulent dash of emotional generosity that is sure to fuck everything up momentarily.
The acting on this show, when it is on, is impeccable. Worth watching just for that, some weeks.
Meanwhile, April finally tells Lucy that she and Richard are serious, which causes apoplexies of joy in her daughter, his daughter and himself. Of course, this is immediately interrupted by Paul's surprise of still being in L.A. -- but what looks like a choice between two men for April turns into something way more interesting: He's there to plead for clemency, and to see his daughter and tell her he's still alive. Karen does her best to keep April from being honest with the wonderful Richard, but eventually her better nature gives in, and she once again decides on total transparency. Good girl.
Also, Richard is even more adorable tipsy than usual. Man, he's something else.
New evidence shows up in the Thomas Grey case that supports a wrongful death and invalidates Elizabeth's insurance settlement. She's got money, so now we think this whole thing might be a plot to punish Karen for sleeping with Tom in the first place, and now includes faked psych notes that are wrong, meaning there are now three sets of session notes, all of which tell a different story about Tom's mindset before he died. It's iffy/soapy, but the show is at least brave about admitting it: The gals determine that the real point is whether or not Elizabeth helped Tom kill himself out of pity, or for revenge, to which Joss (of course) points out rationally that you're talking about a couple days difference.
Savi can't touch it because she's the lawyer, so Karen goes to a PI (named "Dingress" because this show can be amazing) and tries to figure out what the deal is -- but eventually gets hit with a lawsuit alleging her wrongdoing in his death. Whatever gets me more Sam, that's what I'm after. Keep your eye on the fucking ball, Karen. (Also, you went on a date last week with a PI who is totally into you and would do this for free, no Dingress necessary. But whatever, I guess we can't expect Karen to navigate the awkwardness of having written the fake notes for him in the first place.)
...I think that's everything. The episode ends with April coming clean to Richard about this new spot she's put herself in, and Paul's pretty valid request to see his daughter. Karen's finally on the hook for her many, many miles of bullshit. And Joss and Savannah are back together where they belong, which is two parts of one very huggy creature.
In Three Weeks: Paul beats up Richard (boo!), Joss maybe fucks up the Olivier and Alex dynamics both at the same time (double boo!), Miranda shows back up (hiss!), and Harry finds Savi entertaining Dominic in their home. All awful things. On the up, though, I think I saw Sam's lower lip and jaw at one point, so all is not lost.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
In an orgy of dysfunction Harry issued one of his shittier ultimatums, leading Savi in turn to hide her long-awaited paternity results from even herself. Like all problems, babies go away if we just ignore them. The Widow Grey revealed that she knew about Karen's affair with Tom all along -- and did this in front of Karen's new stalker/suitor his son Sam, who is already very crazy.
PREVIOUSLIER
Tweener Savi sat on a beach, staring with another girl as somebody they knew dropped her bikini top and waded out into the ocean, screaming for attention. But it's not Josslyn, because Josslyn is the other girl and she is too young for this behavior just like Mom is too old for it. Savi is reading a romance novel on the beach, foreshadowing her bullshitty beach bum life to follow.
They are wearing clothes and using technology, Mister Mister on the radio, but none of that interests me because I'm not into nostalgia but especially not '80s nostalgia because it is a cancer on your mind.
Savi: "She just wants that hot lifeguard to save her, don't worry about it."
Joss: "What if that slut dies first?"
Savi: "Just keep waiting, he'll blow his whistle."
Eventually he does. Or I guess did.
THIS AM
Savi wakes up from her realistically literal dream like people are always having on TV to the phone ringing.
Savi: "Joss? Is that you? Are you calling from that dream I was just having?"
Karen: "Kind of. I also have a tendency to drop my panties and run into the ocean with no exit strategy, for no reason other than that I am a hot mess -- and where you have a brain, I have a warm mug of Earl Grey tea."
Savi: "What is it this time? Let me guess, you were piloting a plane with the entire Grey family in it, accidentally mixed your medications, and flew into a mountain. No, Sam caught you in bed with his mom by some complete accident and murdered her, and now he's chasing you with a knife, so you sat down on the sidewalk to call me. Said something racist on Conan. Dating Charlie Sheen."
Karen: "Very funny. The part about me getting murdered, though, is accurate."
Savi: "Let's all go hang out in April's house in the middle of the day."
MALLOY
Savi: "How did she even know you were having the affair? You're usually so discreet and plan things out so well!"
Ladies: (Laugh their asses off about that, even Karen. Even Karen who still doesn't get what the joke is.)
Joss: "Remember how Elizabeth held your hand at the funeral? She is fucking with you on a level I didn't even know about. I should be writing this down."
Savi: "Or else she didn't know at the time. Remember the sunglasses?"
Even though nobody asked, Karen acts out in real time the entire saga of the sunglasses: Crawling on the floor and into a cabinet, tracing one sensuous finger along her arm like she's had the time of her life and owes it all to you, hurriedly tapping away on an iPad while her cameras darken one by one. It takes fully eleven hours.
Karen: "...And that's how Sam accidentally told his mother about his dad's affair!"
Joss: "I have absolutely nothing to add!"
Savi: "What does your intuition tell you? You usually have such good instincts."
Karen: "That she's known the whole time."
Then clearly the opposite is true and in fact she's still not even entirely clear on who you are. Are you sure you've met her? Are you sure she exists?
Joss: "If that's true she's a fucking sociopath."
Savi: "Hey! Don't talk that way about my client."
Everybody: "The fuck you just say?"
Savi: "I don't want you talking that way about my clients."
Everybody: "Is this really happening that you are saying this shit?"
Savi: "I'm just saying, does it really matter what she knew or when?"
"I'm just saying, so what if Sam kills you? So what if this woman has literally the power of life and death over you? I'm just saying, who cares if you lose your medical license and go to prison? So what, right? I mean, who cares? Who gives a shit about you, Karen Kim? Not me, not anybody."
Karen: "That's stupid, but I still have you beat. The real problem here is, as per usual, whether or not Tom chose her to euthanize him, which makes me feel obscurely slutty."
Idiots: "You're right, that is the most important thing here."
Karen: "Not done. What if that's why she killed Tom?"
The Carver Girls give her a tandem WTF side-eye that is truly amazing. Even sweet April with her arm across Karen's shoulder is like, "The fuck you say?"
Joss: "We're talking about Tom Grey, correct? Tom that was dying of cancer? Tom that asked you for lethal doses of morphine? I mean, that's barely murder."
Everybody is aghast, even though she's totally right. This is one of the most Karenny things Karen has ever done. What a stupid made-up thing to piss yourself about, Kim.
Savi: "Are you seriously asking me if Elizabeth Grey -- my client, I'll remind you, a client of my firm that I take very seriously as an employee -- is capable of murder?"
Karen: "There has to be some way for you to find out..."
Savi: "I AM A LAWYER. YOU ARE A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST."
SAVANNAH'S KITCHEN
Harry's lookin' real good. Packin' up his shit, gettin' lost for good. I like everything that's happening here.
...Immediately he hears the nigh-unrecognizable Jo Beth Williams entering, assumes it's Savi, and opens his damn mouth. She has broken into their home and won't stop hugging him, or chewing the scenary. Oh, this is going to be even more annoying than we thought.
...Immediately she is more annoying than we thought. Fast-forward past her free spirit bullshit.
Harry: "I'm leaving Savannah. Talk to your daughter for more information. Or just leave how you got here."
MAISON
Richard: "So you told Lucy about us? Oh my God, when I told my daughter she started crying! She said Lucy was like a sister to her already... Wow, I sound fucking crazy. Sorry."
April: "Lucy's still vomiting, there hasn't been time. I forgot."
Richard: "What's going on? Big week? Miranda left?"
April: "Yes, that is the most interesting part of what is going on. Tell me all about your Business Trip. And did you ever find your keys under that car? What a thrilling cliffhanger that was."
Paul stands across the street, because that's his ghostly life is just being across the street from wherever April is at all times, and grumbles about this. Like you have a ghost-leg to stand on. How does finally noticing how gross and sketchy Miranda is -- a thing that should have been apparent from moment one -- somehow mean you get to be pissed about this three years later? You and Harry should form a club. Dicks.
LAW FIRM
Savannah's watching a YouTube of what your baby looks like while it's growing, and she's grossed out because it's admittedly freaky, even when you're not some woman-hating fembot from the '80s like everybody on this show sometimes is.
Dominic: "Oh, shit! I assumed you wouldn't be in your office. Don't you have some problems to hand yourself, or some shit going on in April's living room? Hasn't Karen Kim run over any dignitaries yet today?"
Savi: "Actually I stayed until midnight last night. Now that my dumb husband's leaving me over Schrödinger's Baby I have time for all kinds of things, including you. Come right in."
Dominic: "Frankly I'm not hugely into hanging out. Also, you can kiss your partnership goodbye after your shitty Australian husband went quote all Russell Crowe on me."
Savi: "Did you even know that joke you were making? Anyway, I don't care about partner right now? Because of this baby in me?"
Dominic: "Right, right. Focus on the family."
Savi: "Your bitchy, pissy, prissy tone when you refer to my marriage never stops being offensive. But actually, fuck you anyway for reasons I don't need to tell you..."
Savi: "...But I will. Harry moved out."
Dom: "Are you okay? Do you want to whine to me all about it?"
Savi: "That would be crazy selfish! I'm in."
Hilariously, the phone rings: It's Harry, warning her about incoming Edina.
Savi: "Oh my God I knew it!"
Harry says some incomprehensible thing at this point that explains what she could possibly mean, but no matter how many times I listen I can't figure out what it is, or even what it could be. How would she "know" that?
Harry: "Did your egg have two bloody, mewling yolks in it this morning? Classic Edina."
Or: "Did you cut open a pigeon and there was a DVD of The Big Chill in there?"
Or: "Did you receive ghostly phone calls from Paul Malloy, or the witch that lives in Karen Kim's chimney?"
"Stock up on Arizona Teeeeeeea, Jack Nicklaus Golden Bear Lemonade Flaaaaaavor."
Anyway, Dominic is like so offended and he bounces, and then Harry tries to get the graceful fuck off the phone, but you know Savi's not having that.
...Oh my God it totally was a magic prophecy. I can't believe I nailed that. But if the beach dream means Edina is coming, why didn't she answer the phone "Edina"? (Or I guess "Mom"?)
Savi: "Same thing as always, I have the beach dream and then BAM..."
Harry: "Yes, you're very psychic. Can we not rehash your entire life right now?"
Savi: "You ran into her at the house because you were packing up your shit. Got it. Um, how are you?"
Harry: "Waiting on those paternity results, mostly."
Savi: "Keep waiting! UPS says they're in Algeria, weirdest thing."
Harry: "Then bye, slut."
She takes the envelope out of it, looks sadly at its featureless whiteness, stares out her window where Dominic always is talking to the same guy, and then "thinks" I guess.
MAISON
Karen: "Thanks for this coffee, but I'm already so keyed up that I am ungrateful for it. Do you have any business cards I could gnaw on?"
April: "You need energy to solve a murder mystery! Even Angela Lansbury had that cute little old guy."
Karen: "You wanna be my cute little old guy?"
April: "Uh, in this metaphor the coffee would be the cute little old guy. Talking to you is like the world's most infuriating round of Pictionary."
God I wish somebody would get murdered, and then April Malloy and I could solve the murder. I know how that sounds, I don't care. It sounds fun.
April: "If you're really that serious about this, you should hire a professional."
Karen, verbatim: "Professional what?"
April: "A professional haberdasher, Rose. The fuck you think?"
Karen: "Are you talking about Savannah?"
April: "No, you incontinent fool! Why are you like this? Private investigators are a THING! A thing everybody KNOWS about! You went on a DATE with one LAST GODDAMNED WEEK."
April's finally so irritated that she awkwardly pivots to Hot Richard.
Karen: "I'm game. What's going on with Richard?"
April: "Is it even worth figuring out how to tell Lucy about Richard, when I still haven't told Richard about Paul? Or Paul about Richard? Or possibly Lucy about Paul?"
Karen: "I'm gonna need like some flash cards or something. Lucy's your daughter, correct?"
April: "Never mind. Okay, twist my arm. I think he'll dump me when he finds out Paul is still alive."
Karen: "That is a dumb as shit idea that makes no sense. Karen Kim saying this."
April: "You got me. The real reason is that I have been carrying on an obsessive relationship with my dead husband the whole time he's been dead, and Richard is the rebound. Now that I want to move forward, Paul is everywhere I go."
Karen: "I understand feeling that way..."
April: "I mean literally. Look out the window. He's always across the street all the time."
Actually her real answer is so much awesomer: "Honestly, I don't want to deal with his feelings about the whole thing. He's bound to have an opinion."
Like how dare your boyfriend have feelings and opinions about your dead husband -- the father of his daughter's quasi-sister, now -- coming back to life. What a fucking drag that would be, to get Richard's angle on all this. Not in my maison, no sir.
Karen: "First, Richard is not going to end the relationship just because something terrible happened to you. He already knows you're a trainwreck. And on the other hand, screw him anyway. Just lie. You knew I was going to say that, let's just take the shortcut."
April: "Yeah, I mean who's gonna tell? Paul? He's in Florida as far as I know. On the other hand, quote, isn't honesty kind of a big deal when you're starting a relationship?"
Karen: "No. Not at the beginning, not at the end, not in the middle. Lie right to his adorable face, lie as hard as you can, lie about shit that doesn't even matter. You lie to him, bitch. I'll know if you don't."
REAL ESTATE
When Edina shows up she immediately notices the creepy gay vampire that works in Joss's office and -- because he's so much more off-putting and wacky than even she is -- must immediately put him in place.
Vampire: "Helllurrrrrahhhhh."
Edina: "Love that ascot."
Vampire: "Got it off a dead millionaire. I could hear his neck snap when it came free."
Edina: "That is the ugliest effing ascot I've ever seen."
Joss, verbatim: "Oh my freak!"
Edina: "Stop trying to make 'oh my freak' happen and give me a hug, you sound awful."
Joss: "Well, you'll be happy to know I am in a complete shambles."
Edina: "Do tell me more. I'm that kind of mom."
Joss: "Hence why I'm this kind of trainwreck."
Edina: "Life is a process. A process of continually dwindling standards, apparently."
Joss: "Listen, I'm a total joke of a human being. I'm a realtor with no place to live, now that I forced Savannah to kick me out. My tyrant boss hates me..."
Edina: "You do not do well with women."
Joss: "Oh, that's the fucking joke -- he's a man. A French one. I'm dating a chick actually."
Edina, verbatim: "Nice! So you're a homeless lesbian with a crappy job and a withholding older sister. What do you say, fill me in over lunch?"
LAW OFC
Savi: "I can't even remember if I'm still pissed at you at this point, so I'm just going to be mildly cold and awful to you while you squirm."
Joss: "Mom's downstairs in the car, get your shit. We're going to lunch."
Savi: "I don't have time for this. Two of you is two too many."
Joss: "Sorry she's impeding on your big work schedule... I think there's news."
Savi: "Don't care. Too busy."
Joss: "And you can tell her yours! The pregnancy, not your broken home. That too I guess."
Savi: "I'm not telling her about my baby."
Joss: "It's not like she would think you are a total whore just because you don't know who the father is. She's a bigger whore than us both, it's fine. Come on!"
(Psychic rays.)
Joss: "Oh my God, you got the results and you won't read them? You are fucked up."
Savi: "I'm going to act like that's your fault. Fine, I'm coming, but don't tell mom anything."
Joss: "You really don't seem to trust my judgment."
Savi: "What the audience knows and you don't is that I put the test results in my huge ugly purse that symbolizes how out of control I am. If I time this right, I can find out who the father is and scream my ass off at two generations of Carver women. Savannah Davis, you've never been so close to fulfilling your dream of alienating everyone in your life at once."
What are we thinking? I say Edina's got the cancer and -- like both her daughters, in different ways -- can't say it out loud. Or else she's going to give Savi a taste of having a mother when she needs it the most, and somehow fuck it all up and vanish again. Maybe both but definitely one of the two.
CARVER LUNCH
Edina: "So he tells me, You puke in a bucket for six hours, you commune with your soul, you touch the hand of God... I said it sounds like every one of my Saturday nights in the '90s. Go to Peru without me, I'm not drinking some psychedelic roots!"
I've got ayahuasca in my fridge. You don't have to go to Peru, honey. Old people! My mom was like, "Can we do some while I'm here?" And I was like, "Unless my entire childhood is a lie and you're somehow not currently on a hundred MAOI's, no we cannot." Anyway, Joss proudly displays a nameplate necklace -- speaking of the '90s -- that Edina gave her for her seventh birthday. It says FABULOUS! Savannah, not Edina, knows what it is and what it represents, and Edina's just like, "Cool, but so anyway..."
Edina: "So about this poor woman you're dragging down into the whirlpool, what's she like?"
Joss: "She's authentic, and she's beautiful. And she's doing this yoga thing in Santa Barbara or she'd be here."
Edina: "Maybe time."
Savi: "Oh, for sure."
Joss: "Like I won't be here time Mom visits?"
Savi: "Like you won't be with her by the end of this sentence, you fucking flake."
Edina: "Actually she's right. I'm going away for a while. Moving to Rio."
She literally pulls out a Brazilian flag and waves it around.
"Santa Fe's getting dullsville! I woke up one day, and all the cute men had become old and doddering! I said to myself '[Edina], it is time to infuse some life into my life while I'm still young enough to enjoy it!'"
Savi: "So that's zero grandmas out of three for my little bastard."
Edina: "At least a year, maybe two. One-way ticket! Savi, why do you look uncomfortable?"
Joss: "We have to have a going-away party..."
Edina: " Great but it'll have to be tomorrow, because the wind's about to change and then I'm out."
Savi: "I'm not throwing any goddamn party."
Free Spirits: "Party! Party! Party at Savannah's lonely empty house! Yeah!"
DINGRESS INVESTIGATIONS
George Dingress answers the phone with duck lips, confused as to why Karen Kim would be calling her when she literally just went on a date with a PI. Also, his name is "Dingress." I just want you to think about that.
Karen: "I'm not sure how this -- or anything -- works. I need to ... investigate? Can you investigate?"
George: "Person, place or thing?"
Karen: "What are those? Person, I think."
George: "Male or female?"
Karen: "Let's let the person decide that."
George: "Oh my God, spit it out. Friend or foe?"
Karen: "What are those words? Can we investigate what friendship is?"
George: "Look, is this a legal matter?"
Karen: "You mean like did she kill a person?"
George: "Ah, got it. Well, you should know that what I find out wouldn't be admissible."
Karen: "You mean it's illegal to investigate things?"
George: "I am hanging up. You are terrible."
Luckily, there's a man downstairs on her iPad, so she doesn't even notice Dingress hanging up on her unbearable ass. The man? Paul Malloy. Because when you're looking for help or even some good advice, just go hang out in Karen's driveway and eventually someone will be right with you. (I like this! Why is it even happening?)
RICHARD'S SEXY ADORABLE PERFECT HOUSE
April is lurking on his porch with a bottle of wine, wearing a shirt of a team called the Pirates that plays a sport.
Richard: "Big commitment, switching teams."
April: "Not always, ask my friend Joss. Sometimes it's the opposite. Listen, speaking of commitment, I should be committed! Just kidding, I haven't seen or spoken to a ghost in weeks."
Richard: "What is it that you are actually trying to say?"
April: "I told Lucy about us. She hugged me for ten minutes straight. It is the most affection she has ever shown me."
Richard: "Then we can't break up or she will murder you."
April: "Then I could investigate the murder with Jacob! Oh wait... No, no that wouldn't work."
April: "Anyway, do you want to come to a party? You can bring your daughter! Meet my friends, meet Edina! Lucy loves her, she loves a trainwreck."
Richard: "If I ask what you're trying to prove, I feel like we'll both be sending mixed signals."
April: "Haha! Lock me up! I'm committing! But not to telling you the actual deal with me!"
Richard: "All right, all right. What kind of a party is it?"
April: "My friend's mom is dying! Say, let's have some sex."
DAVIS
Oh, get this shit right here. So mom walks into Savi's bedroom in cute PJ's, looking much calmer and more like the lovely JBW that became my spirit animal in Big Chill. She has two glasses of wine, which Savannah is not interested in, so she smoothly pours them in together, and then this happens. And there's no other way for this information to come to light, but it seems so weirdly retroactive that I feel like mom should have visited four episodes or so ago.
Edina: "No wine in the middle of the night? You certainly didn't get the responsibility gene from me."
Savi, cute: "No, I did not."
Edina: "Or from your father..."
Savi: "I mean, he left because he was heartbroken, not because he was a deadbeat."
Edina: "So heartbroken he abandoned you?"
Savi: "You had a baby with another man."
Yep. And that baby was Joss. Doesn't that seem retroactive to you? Anyway, despite the on-the-nosiness of all that, neither of them really want to rehash. Mom sits on the bed; they're very believably sweet with each other, physically, and Savi especially does some great acting moments. What a force Alyssa Milano has become. I always liked her, but I don't remember being this blown away by her even when she was grown, like in Melrose she was just this other person that wasn't Michael Mancini, on a long list of people who weren't Michael Mancini. And Charmed? I'm sure. But I might watch this on purpose just for her, at this point.
Edina: "Kind of freaked about the Harry situation, would love some info."
Savi: "Ah, fuck it. It is what it is."
Edina: "You're Savannah Davis! You fight tooth and nail for everything you want! Except on this television program you are on."
Savi: "Can't do it."
Edina: "Maybe tomorrow, at my death party. Goodnight, sweetie."
KAREN & PAUL
Karen: "You fucking realize I went to your funeral? What the hell are you doing here? Times three! Why are you alive on Earth, why are you in LA after you left for Florida, and why are you in my gracious drawing room?"
Paul: "Because I am not done bothering April. Why are you so mad?"
Karen: "Because my boyfriend is dead too! And now you are back, fucking everything up, and Tom is fucking everything up from beyond the grave! You are an a-hole!"
Paul: "But now it's serious! She's always with this guy across the street from wherever I'm standing..."
Karen: "Yeah bitch, that's her boyfriend. His name is Hot Dad Richard, he's amazing, and we all love him. We are meeting him officially tomorrow at the dead mom party."
Paul: "I need your help, you've always been the reasonable one..."
(WHAT?)
Paul: "I mean, she's got a boyfriend and a Maison and this whole wonderful life, your friendship is strong... Couldn't you just fuck all that up for everybody?"
Karen: "Sure. I guess, yeah. Whatever."
Paul: "Bingo! I knew I could count on you. To do the dumbassest thing."
THE FUN IN FUNERAL
Edina: "So! Who's coming?"
Joss: "Uh, the two other people we know."
The backyard is on fire with Braziliana -- flags, banners, eight kinds of shit in the trees -- and all manner of foods and whatever, a bartender named Diego, Savannah thinks the whole thing is awful which is great, and then Karen shows up.
Edina: "Tell me all about your love life!"
Karen: Shoves her in the pool, heads for the bar.
Karen: "Joss, where is April? I have to betray everybody real quick."
April: "Did somebody say April? And look, it's Hot Richard! And our daughters!"
Edina forces Diego to take a picture of the whole party -- which is five ladies and one guy and two little kids and about seven hundred bucks of decorations and food for twenty and a bartender named Diego -- and then you're like, "Oh, this bitch really is gonna die. That's kind of sad. I mean, she is even worse than Joss, but how sad for Savannah."
Savannah's phone rings -- Mom's doctor? Calling to say she is going to die and to stop having this party? -- and it's her boss: Turns out there's "new evidence" in the Thomas Grey case, even though "Doctor" Kim's made-up fraudulent notes were handed in weeks ago. Looks like Elizabeth is on the hunt now, buddy!
Joss: "Diego, speaking of cougars on the hunt, can you get away from my mommy?"
Edina: "It's fine, Diego. Don't stray too far."
Joss: "I missed having a mom. I can't believe you're going away!"
Mom: "Yeah, well, like I was ever really here..."
Joss: "What if I just come with you for a couple weeks? I am a real estate agent, after all, so I could help with finding a place..."
Mom: "Josslyn Carver, killing my buzz since whenever I got knocked up, 1982 or whatever. Sure, why not. God forbid this one thing should be mine only."
UPSTAIRS
April: "Oh my God, Richard was charming with Edina. I bet even my mother would like him -- I mean, she's a real mom, not like Cool Edina, but he's pretty great..."
Karen: "Did you tell Richard about Paul?"
April: "You specifically told me to lie about that."
Karen: "You idiot. Never do what I say. Nine episodes and you morons are still doing that. Listen, Paul's still in LA."
April: "What? How do you... Fuckin' what?"
Karen: "Oh, I gave him the old whatfor. But you need to work this out. Handle it."
April: "Handle what? Why is he even here?"
Karen: "I did not ask him that part. Should I have lied to you about this? I probably should have lied."
Like she actually goes, "Should I not have told you this?" What sane person would consider that? "Oh, that guy stalking you at all hours and threw a garbage can through the maison window? That's probably your dead husband. Yeah, he's probably pretty steamed, he's been in LA for the last year. Didn't I mention that a year ago, back when he showed up at my house in the middle of the night? Oh, I remember now. We were at that party for Edina -- God rest her soul -- and I thought it would be weird."
April: "Shit. Do I have to tell Richard about this now?"
Karen: "I don't trust myself to answer that question anymore."
Uh, I think it's a sign that you're both being dumb and you need to come clean immediately. He looked your lying ass directly in the eye and said it was okay as long as you were honest, and now you're lying about lying, and Richard deserves a hell of a lot more than that. As do you, April. (Karen, you deserve nothing. A trip to the loony bin, that's what you deserve. Dr. Phil screaming in your dumb face.)
Iyanla: "Sorry, this Life can't be Fixed. It was too fucked up by the time they brought her in. This is an ex-life. It is no more, it has ceased to be. It is flaming wreckage and that's all."
LAW OFC
Elizabeth: "I come back from Italy and my whole settlement is gone? What the fuck?"
Dominic: "Shut up and listen. There's new evidence that your husband had some suicidal tendencies..."
Elizabeth: "Bullshit, show me that document. Ah, see? At the first page I flipped to, she says they met January 28th. I'm so sure, sir. We were in Hawaii for two weeks, I can prove it using receipts!"
Dominic: "Just stop yelling at me, for Christ's sake. Your point person, Savannah Davis, has been out with the flu..."
Elizabeth: "FIX IT!"
Dominic: "I mean you really need to..."
Elizabeth: "FIX IT! Why is this woman lying about my husband?"
Dominic: "You need to speak to a manager. Hang on."
This is so mysterious. The whole reason Karen made up the fake notes was to help Elizabeth. The original notes were destroyed -- and even if Sam got them off out of her Recycling Bin on her desktop, lol, they still wouldn't have incorrect dates on them. Which means now there are three sets of notes? What's your game, The Widow Grey? How far back does it go? (Is Paul Malloy involved? Are he and Tom in cahoots?) Is this whole thing a revenge plot for cheating with Tom? The grin she gives once Dominic can't see her would suggest so, because she is okay inside and not mad at all.
And what's Sam's part in this? And where is SAM?
BRAZIL PARTY
Savi: "Are these rice balls or cod fritters? As a pregnant woman I couldn't tell that from the town over."
Joss: "So I am going to Rio with Mom! Aren't you going to tell me that's a terrible idea?"
Savi: "Maybe if I gave a shit... Ow!"
She burns her hand on the stove, because she's a woman on this show, and Harry appears out of nowhere to tell them how to treat burns, because he's a man on this show, and Savannah requires him to treat her tiny burn wound because she's a woman on this show, and he bugs her about telling her mom about her pregnancy because he's a man on this show.
Savi: "Why are you here? Just to say hi and bye to Edina?"
Harry: "Do you understand that I love her? Do you remember we are married?"
Savi: "Well, I'm keeping this baby a secret from her. One last passive-aggressive Savi act before she leaves."
Harry: "Maybe she would stay if you told her."
Savi: "Maybe you need to shut the fuck up about this baby's ability to keep people around."
Harry: "People might surprise you. Women in your family seem to have an affinity for 'surprises.'"
Savi: "Agh! I thought I won this round."
Lucy and Maddie are tearing around the house adorably as April returns from her meeting with Karen, looking a little dazed. Richard pssts from upstairs, where she just came from, and asks if they're gone yet.
Perfect Richard: "You know, this game's not that bad when you're just a little drunk. You okay? You look kind of funny."
April: "Just a case of the Lying Liars who Lie, I'm sure it'll pass once you're long gone."
Richard: "Okay, I'll take the kids and you go rest at home."
April: "Are you sure? That's very..."
He is perfect! Just do it! Oh my God, and "drunk Richard" is like, a science experiment in finding new ways to be adorable. I wish Richard was a little drunk all the time, this tiny darling amount of drunk. Not hugely drunk, problem drunk -- just a little drunk. Like Andy Cohen.
...April's gonna somehow sleep with Paul, if she's got the night off from Lucy. Right? That's gonna happen? He's going to turn on whatever music was popping three years ago -- some "Teenage Dream," some "Bad Romance," BOB, Bruno Mars, "Hey Soul Sister" if you're feeling edgy -- and one thing is going to lead to another.
April, you're my favorite one! Why do you do this to me? "Just smoke my cigarette and hush, Jacob. Help me solve this murder after I'm done cheating on Perfect Richard." Okay but first I'm gonna watch this scene again. Hot diggity, Richard.
INTERLUDE
The doorbell rings: It's pizza! Delivered by a shockingly hot boy. Somebody answers the door, and before they know it they're both dancing to the music coming out of his car. It's like these kids today don't even care about segregation, or Sidney Poitier's shitty father, or any of it. It's just dancing. Just the best part of the best movie of all time -- and yes, that was as simple as going to my Favorite Videos list on Youtube -- to which this episode's title refers for zero reasons, which is shitty and dumb.
MOMENTS LATER
All two guests at this major blowout are ready to leave, although by the light it's been about an hour. Maybe they have to get home to just shout constant lies into their pillows and duvets to stay in tip-top shape.
Edina: "Everybody can leave except Harry. Harry, you and me and your wife are going to lock ourselves in a room and nobody leaves until one of us is dead."
Harry: "Edina, simmer down."
Savi: "Stop trying to save my marriage! Everybody, stop!"
Nobody actually cares that much at this point, but they're all way into the drama of Edina trying to intervention their shit without any information, talking about their egos and how men can't keep it in their pants and all this irrelevant crazy talk. It's amazing, I would never leave. "Say some more unrelated but still nuclear shit! Do it!"
Harry: "Did you tell her I cheated on you?"
Edina: "I didn't need to be told! Marriages break up about money, or cheating. You guys are rich as fuck, so clearly somebody cheated."
Everybody breathes and looks at the floor and finally Mom's like, "OH FUCK!"
She chases Savi out into the gorgeous backyard, and ... it begins.
Edina: "Oh, come on. How could I know that? Especially after all the hell you gave me for your father..."
Savi: "And ten men after that..."
Edina: "I didn’t mean that, I meant I don't judge, I wouldn't judge."
Savi: "Nope, never, because that would mean paying attention."
Edina: "I was always there for you! You're talking like you hate me!"
Savi: "You were a terrific mom. When you were around… which was rarely."
Pressed for an example, Savannah explains the glitch at lunch: Fifteen, left alone while mom was in Cabo with a man they never ended up meeting, with Joss pestering her about what she's gonna get from Mom for her birthday. So Savi saved up all her pennies and bought the necklace. It's a horrible, sad, story. It is a good story and a good moment.
And the best part is that it's only when Edina goes, "The necklace wasn't from me?" that Savannah's face crumples and she starts to cry. Because there is as much shame in that memory for her -- raising her sister, knowing this isn't how life is supposed to work -- as there is recognition in it, now, for their mother: She didn't know, now she does. And she has no defense for it, and neither does Savi. And back behind the gazebo, listening to every word: Joss. Well done, all around. Good job.
APRIL
Paul: "Thanks for calling me."
April: "Stay on the doorstep, vampire! State your business!"
Paul: "I wanna see Lucy."
And again, that's excellent. What a great dilemma. Same problem, different angle: Not that she would cheat on Richard with Paul, but that Lucy would. Lucy who was so happy she grabbed April when she heard the news and wouldn't let go; Lucy who thinks of Maddie as a sister. That's great. I wasn't really buying this episode because Edina started out so shitty, but it's actually very unpredictable and fun, and moving.
MORNING
Crepuscular, still close to dark. The saddest time of day if you're not happy. Characteristically and to her credit, Savannah is more than welcoming at the island when her mother appears; both in bathrobes, smelling coffee. What a big lonely house. Full of honesty, though, for once.
Edina: "I don't see you often -- which is on me -- and when I do, I know I have a short window, to say all the right things. And invariably they come out all wrong."
Savannah: "It's okay, Mom. I mean that I get it, not just that you should feel better."
Edina: "When I said the other night that you're not like your father, I just meant... You're so much stronger than he is, or ever was. You're not like me, or him. You have always been your own little miracle of a person. You raised yourself, so your accomplishments are all your own. And I am in absolute awe of who you've become."
Savannah: "But before this scene turns into straight-up stand-in wish fulfillment -- for certain scriptwriters, for viewers; for let's face it certain recappers -- let's review who that is, which is a cheater."
Edina: "A woman of great character who is facing a mistake. You and Harry have a bond I couldn't force or forge with any person. And I think an outstanding mother."
Savi: "Lol."
Edina: "But hurry up, because your eggs are dying inside you."
The hilarious Brobee face she makes, the mmkay crossed with the and there it is, is classic Savannah. It's also just classic: You could feel the thought creeping into her head that what if Edina knew about this baby the whole time and was being quiet, or that she is having a psychic moment, and then but no: Just being a mom.
DINGRESS INVESTIGATIONS
Dingress: "So I've done some preliminary work on this Elizabeth Grey. You didn't mention she was loaded."
Karen: "Why would that matter?"
Dingress: "Like, because gated communities have tighter security. You know anything about firewalls?"
Karen: "I am not familiar with either fire or walls, much less their digital children."
Dingress: "It was a metaphor, I'm just saying I am a criminal. It's going to take a while longer than I thought to get anything real on her."
Karen: "So you're saying her ISP provides better security because there's a gate in front of her house?"
Dingress: "Get out."
"ISP provides" is like saying "PIN number." I mean, find a better way. That's not the issue here, the issue is that I feel like the show is taunting us at this point, by having people say things that barely make sense so that Karen can act even more bizarre and clueless than she usually does, so it's like when you translate something into Spanish and then into French and then into Dornish and then into Klingon and by the time it gets back to Karen she's like, "So wait, you're saying there's no lactation in football?"
His point is that firewalls or no, there is not going to be an email that says, "Hey girl, let's have margaritas, I just killed my husband," so he needs to go through their garbage, but between armed security guards and Sam lurking about, it will be tricky.
But you know what also, she did kill her husband -- that's not the question Karen is claiming to be asking -- so it would be more like, "Hey girl, let's have margaritas, I just administered euthanasia to my husband ten minutes early in an elaborate plot to frame his psychiatrist." Which I agree, that does sound unlikely.
But if it's that the question Karen and Savannah can't admit they're asking is, "How can we make it obvious that Elizabeth administered euthanasia to her husband" -- which would be the only thing that would actually exonerate Karen, right, because then her involvement is secondary to whatever happened or even why -- then this is on track. So I'm gonna say it's that one. They're looking to shift blame, and nobody has admitted it yet, and Elizabeth's secondary goal is to fuck Karen over since he's dead either way. And actually, everybody looks pretty cool in that scenario. I like that this show is asking me to think this hard about a mysterious mystery! For my request: Sam and Richard at the same time, both a little drunk, just hanging out.
Dingress: "I'm not a mind reader, I can't get inside her head."
(Savannah: "YOU ARE A GODDAMN PSYCHIATRIST! IATRIST! IATRIST!")
Dingress: "Why not ask her yourself?"
Karen: "I mean, I already know she lies."
Dingress: "Everybody lies!"
Karen: "If they do as I tell 'em, they do."
Dingress: "But you seem to have a pretty good knack for cutting through people's crap."
WHAT? As if by sheer force of will they can make her a functioning human. It's like everybody always telling Savannah how strong she is, or how much she and Harry love each other with a perfect love. I hate when shows do this, actually: Tell you and tell you instead of actually showing you. "Oh, Savannah, I know you'll get through this latest crisis using all that fortitude you have never once demonstrated." "Oh, Karen, you're so stable and good at giving advice... when the cameras are apparently turned off." (April is awesome because April is just awesome, and Joss has to be a genius and fairly wonderful most of the time or else her entire character would suck so hard the show would be pulled into a black hole, but those other two? Stop telling, start showing.)
Although credit where it's due, they make sure to have everybody in the same scene a lot of the time, which a lot of shows don't do. Like Gossip Girl, while still at this point I'd say a better show overall, that was the main internet complaint: Nobody ever hung out, so they would just get together every six to ten episodes from their separate storylines and be like, "As my best friend that I would die for, I must ask: What is up with you in your life, recently?"
On this show, that was only Savannah and Joss, and then the second they did hang out they broke up, so maybe it would have been better to just assume they were chilling when we weren't around? I don't know, I still think that falls under the rule, because their relationship and history are so important to the show and they're still randomly handing us all this very important info at the drop of a hat, like how they have different fathers -- not that it matters to their siblinghood, I come from a very blended family myself, but just because it seems like the kind of thing the show would care about and make much of -- and the details on how exactly responsible Savi was for Joss, etc. Still sucks, because they are marvelous together. What fine actors they are.
APRIL
Richard: "I brought you chicken soup, which is either perfect or gross, depending on how you feel. If it's gross, I also brought bagels."
April: "You are KILLING me Richard."
Richard: "Being perfect is not something I can control."
April: "You know what, come in. We need to talk. About my constant lies."
Richard: "Did you clear this with Karen?"
DAVIS
Joss is sitting at Savannah's kitchen table when she comes downstairs. Something about the sunny tilt of her hat, the kicky halter top she's wearing, tells you what's about to happen.
Savi: "I took the morning off to say goodbye. Where's Mom?"
Joss: "Not sure, actually. She's not in the guest house or answering her phone, but..."
Savi: "Yeah."
Joss: "...Probably went to go get cash for the trip."
Savi: "Probably."
Aw, shit. Joss's phone rings.
"Hola, Mama! Where you at? Oh, you're at the ... airport already? Diego? Oh right. Well... Yeah, that's probably a smart idea. He knows the city and um..."
Ugh, I don't even want to do it. That's like the one pain Joss doesn't deserve, it earns her nothing. It's just rubbing dirt in a wound. Even Savannah can't stand it, how worthless this is. The abject cruelty of it, as Joss breaks down and hides it in her voice.
"No, yeah! I mean, let's be honest. He's pretty hot! I guess I'll... Yeah, when you're all settled in. That's better. I mean, what were we thinking? Yeah! Yeah, a girls' weekend. That sounds perfect. I'll... Okay, ciao!"
The shame in it. Kinda wish she had died. Let's say she did. I wish this show would go ten seasons and she randomly came back year or the year after that, just when Joss had finally settled down into human shape.
Joss: "You've been tough on me..."
Savi: "Honey, I..."
Joss: "It's okay. The end is okay. You've been tough on me because that's what mothers do."
She puts her arms around her sister, and they agree: They've missed each other terribly. And then Savannah gives her sister the greatest gift you could.
"I need you to do something for me."
She hands it to Joss, from her purse, and nods.
BUT NO
They don't open it, which would be the beautiful thing, because this is a soap opera: She gives it to her for safekeeping, which should work out well, and explains intelligently that there are no good answers here: If it's Dom's, that's not workable, and if it's Harry's, he's coming home for the baby, which demeans us all. So either way, it's mostly hers. And until it's born, it's entirely hers, as long as they don't open it.
I would have liked it more if she'd let Joss open it then and there, but that is a very smart way of turning the weakness of the story -- open the fucking thing -- into a strength. I don't know, maybe if I were a woman that would have made more sense to start with. I think about that a lot with this show. How much of it isn't them being stupid, just me being in a position to call them stupid because I don't have to care about the difference.
EXCEPT THE DEEPLY STUPID KAREN
Who calls Lila to cancel her afternoon appointments -- as if either of them know what those even are -- so she can stalk Elizabeth all the way home to Zuma. And right before she pulls away, she's served: In the wrongful death of one Thomas Grey. Plaintiff Elizabeth Grey. Good God, I hope somebody happens along that can explain this all to me, because we are running out of episodes.
BUT NOT FOR ANOTHER MONTH
Because we're taking a three-week haitus, apparently. Maybe it's awards season, I don't know. I'm gonna miss these ladies. I thought it was going to be more cliffhangery instead of so calming and comforting: To see Joss back in Savannah's arms, to see all of April's shit finally out in the open, to see some movement in Karen's case so we can get back to whatever she's going to do (Sam!) , and so on.
But eventually: Joss finds a way finally to ruin the Olivier and Alex dynamics, Paul beats up Richard (not the face!), Miranda shows back up, and Savannah brings Dominic home. Five shitty things to look forward to!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.