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Karen's deposition takes almost no time at all getting amazing: Dominic sends Savi off to NYC to deal with some high-profile clients to get her out of the episode and then immediately calls Detective Newsome to the table. Karen's scary awesome lawyer shoots him down immediately for having a crush on her, and then the Widow Grey gives her own insane testimony, which is quite the performance.
Then Dom calls in Sam Grey, who flips! He ends up saying his mother was out of the house the night Tom died. Karen assumes this is because he is one of those college guys that fucks you once and then testifies against you in a civil suit, but in fact it is because he felt sorry for his mom -- and more importantly, because Karen actually is the kind of cougar that fucks you and then ignores all your calls.
Need I even say that most of the Karen parts of this incredibly, beautifully trainwrecky episode are just various characters gaping at her with their jaws dropped about how completely bizarre and clueless she is about every aspect of her human existence? I mean, obviously that's what happened, but even for this show it's amazing the percentage of this episode that is just people staring at her crazy ass slowly shaking their heads in wonder as she does stranger and stranger and stupider and stupider things.
Finally, in a truly epic flameout even by Karen Kim standards, she disregards her partner Jacob's attempts to provide an alibi (because, lawyer lady has intuited, he is in love with her) and gives everybody incredibly insane speech about how she was in love with Tom Grey and he was in love with her and she prescribed him lethal doses of morphine like it's this tragic love story, but mostly about how his stupid wife can eat a dick.
Meanwhile, Joss has an epic flameout of her own: After Alex probes her about missing sex with men she somehow radically rewrites history to be about getting Alex's permission to sleep with Olivier, so she cancels a dinner date with an old college friend of Alex's so she can go ahead and do that. Moments later, Alex discovers Gallic bite marks all over her body, and the whole thing comes out.
Feeling put upon by conventional bourgeois morals like "monogamy" and "telling the truth to people instead of being a giant asshole," Joss retreats to Savi's house where -- after sending Harry off on a failed fool's errand to find out his paternity results himself, in one of her patented awesome grownup advice moods -- they somehow end up encouraging each other to act like insane fools who have learned nothing from their experiences over the last eleven episodes except more virulent and various methods of behaving in absolutely horrid ways.
Savi commends Joss for cheating on her girlfriend -- because it's the closest she's ever come to having a relationship, much less fiercely detonating one out of nowhere, like all the other crazy bitches on this show are constantly doing -- and Joss, in turn, decides that fighting for the Davis marriage is just dumb and Savi should sleep with Dominic and we should all just sleep with whoever.
But the most important thing is that April and Richard, who have broken up due to him involving himself in her dumb problems like an adult, remember they made an amusement park date with their kids they have to keep. So they take the girls to Six Flags, and then finally they get back together! And they smooch, and it is excellent! That was the scariest ten-minute breakup of all time, but I'm glad everything worked out.
I mean, yeah, the episode ends with Lucy being kidnapped -- by her dead father? -- but she's a cool kid. She can take care of herself.
Week: Savi decides to move on with her life and Dominic and whatever bastard is growing inside her, but Harry's failures are still hers because such is love. Something crazy happens with Karen's case but either way she's just going to find some other area of her life to fuck up anyway. Lucy is presumably located or maybe she really can turn invisible. Joss actually thinks Alex will take her back, and I think she might be right. Which sucks for Alex -- and about Alex -- but not for us, because Shannyn Sossamon continues to be a highlight even among this talented crew. I am going to miss these ladies, I really am. Even dumb ol' Joss.
Who, on a trigger warning note, is totally getting assaulted at some point Philip Stuckey-style -- I think by Harry's business partner? -- because God forbid the Joss character on any TV show ever doesn't eventually get what's coming to her (in the form of raping). So, yikes on that one, but I guess who knows.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Joss finally bought her way into Olivier's affections with her ingenious portrayal of a grown-ass woman -- then doubled down by avoiding his advances, en français, only stoking the fires. April showed compassion for her stupid dead husband by showing him pictures of their daughter and telling him to GTFO, and also broke up with Richard for getting his ass beat by the ghostly marauder. Mostly, though: Karen ignored Natalie Wade's insistence that she manufacture an alibi for the night of her dead lover's death, then made the mistake of sleeping with Sam Grey after he promised to provide one, but before he actually did.
PRACTICE DEPOSITION
Natalie Wade: "Try again, dipshit."
Karen: "...My name is Dr. Karen Kim. I have somehow been a psychiatrist for over 15 years, and let me tell you that I am fucking terrible at it. I established my current practice with Dr. Jacob Pollack [Not Lerner? Where did I get Lerner?] five years ago. Three years ago, I had an insomnia patient named Thomas Grey, for whom I prescribed..."
Dom: "Morphine?"
Karen: "No, that was way later. For him to commit sui..."
Natalie Wade: "I'm gonna stop you right there. Karen, what the fuck is wrong with you."
Karen: "Everything, Natalie Wade."
Natalie Wade: "I realize they have pharmacy records and stuff, but if you don't talk about it on the record now, they can't compare it to your statements and those diaries you faked that Jacob still doesn't understand how that worked. This is about your credibility, not a Wikipedia entry on everything that ever happened in the world."
Karen: "But I didn't presc..."
Natalie Wade: "As I have said multiple times, you plead the fifth. Morphine comes up, you plead the fifth. Affair comes up, you plead the fifth. Specific dates come up, you don't know or you don't recall."
Karen: "Won't that look suspicious?"
Natalie Wade: "Like you give a fuck."
She explains how it doesn't matter how Karen "looks" because there are no invisible people in the room watching this deposition, just four people you can see with normal eyes, and there is no jury to be weirded out by her -- it's just an eventual judge, who exists not now but in the future -- so why is she being an ass-ache about how she "looks" right now? (Spoiler alert, Karen will never grasp this concept. The entire episode is just her obsessing on the idea of invisible people in the room judging her on her ability to blow her own shit up or as she thinks of it, "being honest.")
Natalie Wade: "Now, how are we doing on your alibi for the night Thomas died? Just kidding, I know you're too dumb to play that game."
Karen: "I actually have one."
Natalie Wade: "Great, who is it? One of your whore friends? Your giant hot partner that's in love with you?"
Karen: "Actually no, it is Sam Grey. The son of the plaintiff and a crazy person, who I fucked and never called back. Oh, there he is calling me now. Ignore!"
Natalie Wade: "I hate everything about who and what you choose to be."
MOTEL
Paul: "Thanks for coming by! Before I fake leave for town. I am too poor to buy a real plane ticket, so it is just imaginary."
April: "Good. I hope it crashes into the imaginary sea."
Paul: "Can you give Lucy this locket of our two faces?"
April: "Sure, I'll just say I found it. Like in the garbage or something."
Paul: "It is symbolic, so I can be near to her heart. Physically, in the form of a necklace."
April: "Paul, you have always been near to her heart. Emotionally, in the form of a ghost with a secret bigamist family."
REAL ESTATE
Joss: "Those New York swingers you saddled me with are assholes, but also really innovative in terms of bad-idea sex. It's really inspiring, in terms of ways I can sell myself out. I feel like Marie Curie."
Olivier: "Look at this listing here on my computer. Feel free to sit on my lap while we discuss it."
Joss: "I'm cool with that. Oh wait, I'm in a committed relationship. Bye!"
MAISON
Joss: "I need an iced coffee! I think that ice and coffee stop you from being horny."
Karen: "I can already tell this is going to be stupid."
Joss: "Of course Olivier only wants me now that I am acting like a grown-up! So typical."
Karen: "Not even you care about this, why are we talking about it? Let's talk about me."
Joss: "What would be weird is if Savannah is your lawyer and the judge figures out that you are friends and then it is a mistrial and you go to jail!"
Karen: "Even I, Karen Kim, understand what is happening better than that."
Joss: "Yeah, I'm off my fucking game."
April: "Paul is finally leaving! For pretend."
Ladies: "That's great imaginary news!"
April: "I feel weird about keeping him from his daughter. What if I'm just being a bitch because I resent his horrible behavior? Or is that logical?"
Ladies: "We don't care enough to offer an opinion. We are lost without Savannah."
April: "Joss, you're a little high-strung, and Karen, you're so analytical..."
Ladies: "Wrong and wrong. Joss gives great advice, and Karen is a hot mess. Also, Savannah is the most self-centered person we know and only tells you to do the opposite of what you end up doing."
Karen: "Just lie to her ass. Keep lying until we are all dead in the ground, lie about everything. It's the Karen Kim way, except when telling the truth is the worst possible idea."
Joss: "The longer you wait, the longer it might end up with him dead anyway."
April: "Ugh."
Joss: "You know I'm right. I want more de-sexing coffee! Which is not a thing!"
LAW OFC
Savi: "Do you need anything else for the Grey depos?"
Dom: "Stop fishing, Savannah. Here is a ticket to New York to work on the Kellerman assets."
Savi: "What? They're a huge client and I am completely unreliable."
Dom: "Think of it as me getting you the fuck out of town while I destroy your best friend. Or as me pitching woo."
Savi: "I am okay with both of those."
Dom: "You know she's going to lose, right?"
Savi: "...Who?"
ALEX & JOSS
Alex: "It's going to be such fun having dinner with my old friend Stacey."
Joss: "Is this one of those lesbian parties?"
Alex: "Actually I don't know any lesbians. That's how I ended up dating you."
Joss: "Great. More men for me to get weird on."
Alex: "Can we do this at your sister's house? We live in a tiny lesbian cottage."
Joss: "I guess so. I am kind of not into this."
Alex: "Is it because of penises?"
Joss: "What if it was?"
Alex: "We could talk about that, if it came up. I am hypothetically a person with self-esteem who just happens to be in a fake relationship with a narcissist borderline."
Joss: "Your self-respect flexibility is noted. I admit that I do miss male attention and dick more than any other two things. Mostly because I'm not gay."
Alex: "But really, does living authentically even compare to proving a bullshit point to yourself, using other people as the props in your awful drama?"
Joss: "Ah, the sweet taste of living your life entirely out of spite."
Alex: "Yeah! Take that, people who know a lesbian when they see one!"
MAISON
Richard: "I am here in your shop as usual, looking fine as hell as usual."
April: "Didn't you dump me for dumping you?"
Richard: "Yeah, but we have to take our daughters to Six Flags or else they'll know we broke up."
April: "They are really useful for keeping secrets from! And no other reason."
Richard: "P.S., let's pretend we're not going on a date and then go on a date with our little family. Then we can un-break up."
April: "I'm in! Want this, um… this random candle?"
Richard: "No, I just want to act passive-aggressive and cold so you'll fall back in love with me."
April: "Worked the first time! Pick us up in the AM!"
All of these things -- the non-lesbian lesbian party, the Six Flags trip, maybe the deposition -- are all happening on Monday. What kind of world is LA where all of these things are suitable for a Monday?
SAVANNAH'S ACTUAL KITCHEN
Savi: "Sure, use my house. It's so empty and lonely with only me and my bastard and that faucet that no longer leaks."
Joss: "I don't have any couple friends as it turns out, because all of your friends that I pretend are my friends are just as fucked up as you are."
Joss very little-sisterly tries to get Savi to invite Harry, which we both know is a non-starter, so then Savi has to explain two things: 1) That she has always had feelings for Dominic and in fact arranged this entire complicated game of Russian Roulette with her womb in order to act on them, and 2) That Harry is now aware of all of this, and thus hates her and her bastard even more than ever before. Which is a lot, if you think about it, since he's despised her ass since before the show started.
Joss: "I hate Dominic! By which I mean, your marriage is important to me! By which I really mean, I am about to fuck around on my girlfriend in a major way."
DEPOSITION #1 - DET NEWSOME
Dominic: "Do we all know what a deposition is?"
Natalie Wade: "As an attorney I am aware, yes."
Mrs. Grey: "Yeah. We're grown-ups, so."
Karen: "Never heard of it. Gimme the CliffsNotes."
He does and calls in Anthony Newsome, who in his few appearances on the show has been many things: First he was investigating for Tom's insurance company, then he went private and became Karen's spycraft consultant, then he tried to be her boyfriend. None of it took. I think he looks like a busted Eric Andre and I don't understand why he is a sex symbol, but such is life.
Dom: "So in your investigative work for Huxley Insurance, did you discover anything about Mr. Grey's state of mind near the time of his death?"
Newsome: "Lots of things! Sometimes he wasn't suicidal or depressed at all, other times he totally was."
So I guess the notes she eventually wrote -- in lieu of that banquet with Hilary Clinton -- were honest ones? Like pretty much the ones she had previously destroyed? That's so complicated, because she really acted like she was trying to help Mrs. Grey and then later on acted like they were still on the same team. It wasn't until Mrs. Grey read them and flipped out that it appeared otherwise. And considering she says now that she knew about the affair the whole time -- which I don't necessarily believe anyway -- why would Mrs. Grey wait until then to pull the trigger? I can't even hazard a guess at this storyline.
Natalie Wade: "Detective, is it possible that you're only here out of spite? Because Dr. Kim rejected your romantic advances?"
Mrs. Grey: "Is there anybody who isn't sleeping with you or trying to sleep with you?"
Karen: "It would seem not. My life could be really easy if I would let it."
6 FLAGS
April: "Instead of sticking to you girls like glue, I'm going to make sure I'm alone with Richard for most of this fun trip so that it can be as awkward as possible."
Madi: "Okay. I love you and I wish you were my mommy and Lucy was my sister."
April: "That's the kind of awkward I'm talking about!"
Richard: "Have no fear. Awkwardness is my entire agenda."
He goes back to his stonefaced act that has worked on her so many times in the past, and while I'm not saying you should be a Rules girl, I'm just saying that shit does work. Just especially when you are as hot and good at sending mixed signals as Richard. When it comes down to it, he's wonderful enough that I would let him beat up as many of my dead husbands as he felt necessary.
Also, did I completely miss some insert shot where Paul has a gun? Somebody mentioned a gun and I had no idea what they were talking about. That's the kind of shit that gets you into Karen Kim trouble.
HARRY & JOSS
Joss: "So about repairing your marriage to my sister..."
Harry: "Is that what you're here to talk to me about?"
Joss: "What on Earth would I have to discuss with you other than that?"
Harry: "I dunno, I thought we were friends. Uh, listen. There's no marriage to save. She never notified me I was the father of her bastard, so I assume..."
Joss: "You assume incorrectly. You assume that Savannah is an adult with an interest in her own well-being. In fact, I have the results right here in my giant trainwreck purse."
Harry: "So? Bust 'em out!"
Joss: "I was only mentioning that to feel a paltry sense of power, and so I could make myself feel like a good person by denying you the information. But if that is your baby and you choose to just sit here on your ass not knowing for sure -- exactly like your wife is doing -- then you're both douches. Don't you want to be the non-douche?"
Harry: "I guess I should go to the DNA clinic and find out for myself. Use my wiles."
Joss: "Such as they are. Maybe try to lose that awful accent, though?"
Harry: "My wiles!"
6 FLAGS
April: "How come you don't ever talk about your ex?"
Richard: "Because I don't like talking about my ex. And because you never shut up about your ex."
April: "Awkwardness, Richard. I want this to be super fucking weird, okay?"
Richard: "Fine. My ex-wife Sandra doesn't really care about Lucy too much. She left me for another guy and moved to Chicago."
April: "She didn't have a secret family or fake her own death? Guess I win."
Richard: "If that's winning, you can have it."
April: "You are a really good dad."
Richard: "Yeah. And you are a shitty girlfriend. Keep talking, though."
GELATO SHOPPE
Joss is picking up gelato for the party her girlfriend is throwing at her sister's house, but is confused in an Andy Rooney way by the hipster flavors of the gelato -- Olive Martini! Horseradish Prince! Dehydrated Bourbon! Lemongrass Soufflé! Coconut Breast Milk! Chocolate-Covered Bacon! -- and rants and talks on the phone and is rude to everyone in the whole place.
It's funny because the actress is funny, and the gelato barista's disinterested irritation is right on-target, as is the way they relate to each other throughout the scene, but on the whole it seems kind of out of character. Like if somebody else wrote this particular episode, somebody else (Savi, April, Olivier) could easily be complaining about this and Joss would be like, "Get with the program, man! It's the Nineties!" or whatever.
I dunno. Sometimes these ladies seem like they are bitching the bitches of older or more uncool people to seem more relatable to the viewer, but it always feels very interchangeable when they do that. Sometimes April is like the coolest hip mom and then other times she's like, "I remember when men wore hats and pocket watches!" At least when Savi does it you know it's because she's insufferable and regressing, but with Joss it comes off weirder than even with April. Or like, later on Alex is going to act like she's never heard of Julianne Moore. I mean, what even is that? That is some Karen Kim bullshit right there.
Joss, valid: "I really don't think I should be in charge of food shopping. I'm not good at it. I'm a better restaurant picker-outer."
Olivier beeping in: "Can you pick up Greg's listing and show it tonight? He had bad crab."
Joss: "When you say that with your French accent it is repulsive. Also, I am literally throwing a party in a few hours."
Olivier: "But don't you care about your job? Just kidding, this is about me fucking you."
Joss: "Yes, I do care about 'my job' more than disappointing my partner. I'll be by to 'work' as soon as I flake out of this commitment."
Olivier: "Great, see you there. Make sure to dress like you're ready to get fucked on the floor of a stranger's house by your employer."
Joss: "That's how I'm dressed now, here at this gelato shoppe. That is how I always dress. That is literally my guiding principle."
DEPOSITION #2 - THE WIDOW GREY
Elizabeth: "My husband was a pillar of this community! Way too proud to take his own life."
Natalie Wade: "Then what's with him asking for morphine?"
Elizabeth: "Okay, that part was to take his own life."
Elizabeth: "Once I discovered Dr. Kim had prescribed him the morphine, I started to question things."
Dominic: "Based on what, being psychic?"
Elizabeth: "Yes. And then Tom told me they were having an affair."
Natalie Wade: "Your pants are on fire, Mrs. Grey."
Elizabeth: "No, he confessed! I remember his exact words were that he was having an existential crisis and, as a last grasp at his mortality, decided to fuck his psychiatrist because he fetishized Asian women and authority figures, but that she was nothing more than a whore. That he realized she was a meaningless stand-in for his own desperation and unworthy of love or even simple respect."
Elizabeth: "But Dr. Kim had mistaken a night or two for something more -- she was becoming irrational, demanding things from him... she was angry he didn't return her feelings. Angry enough to kill? Maybe. Probably. Definitely."
Natalie Wade: "Uh, pretty sure you're the angry one."
Elizabeth, crazily: "My beloved husband was dying! Weeping with apology! Professing his love for me and our twenty-year marriage! There was no time for anger. At least not toward him."
Anyway, what is her point? That probably Karen came over to kill him while she was out having dinner with Sam. Not that it makes huge amounts of sense -- "I realize you're on your deathbed, but mama needs her some Sbarro, so if you could hold down the fort for just like an hour or so" -- but this is Karen Kim we're talking about: That's JV shit compared to the nonsense she can come up with without even trying.
Case in point: The witness for the plaintiff?
DEPOSITION #3 - SAM GREY
Dominic: "Sam, were you close with your father?"
Sam: "Sure was. I came home every weekend from Brown, where I go to college."
Dominic: "Did he seem at all bummed about his imminent death?"
Sam: "I guess so. Mostly I was worried about my mom. She really needed some pizza."
Dominic: "And that night?"
Sam: "She got her pizza. And garlic twists from under a heat lamp. And a dead husband. And a life insurance policy for bajillions of dollars. Which Dr. Karen Kim -- and Detective Newsome, in his many guises -- then took away from us again."
Dominic: "So your mother dismissed the night nurse..."
Sam: "And then he was like, You guys go out for pizza, I'm good. And then we came back, and it turns out he wasn't good. He was killing himself. Or I guess getting euthanized."
Karen: "What in the serious fuck?"
Sam: "Sorry. Or whatever."
THE HOUSE
Joss: "Did you seriously wait until the clients were gone before jumping out of the bushes like quote 'some kind of French ninja'?"
Olivier: "So are we gonna have sex or what?"
They have sex all over the place. The Winehouse-y song helpfully points out what Joss is up to...
I don't know what to do / You're everywhere I turn and everywhere I go
But I'll try to cut you out of my life / Just as you can cut me out of yours
...And he bites her on her body. It is ever so sensual and French to be bitten on the abdomen by a man on the faux-finished tile floor of a stranger's house. Later on he will pop green olives and spoonfuls of Greek yogurt out of her bellybutton and right into her mouth, like sexy tiddlywinks. (I only know what sex is from the movie Big-Top Pee-Wee.)
6 FLAGS
Richard: "That rollercoaster is a metaphor for having an orgasm from French men biting you. I have eaten all the churros."
April: "I am nervous about rollercoasters, such as the one my awful life is always making you ride."
April: "Do you want to go back to dating? It's been an entire five minutes."
Richard: "Thank God, I was just thinking the same thing."
April: "You taste like churros."
Richard: "You taste like impending disappointment."
April: "So about me and my thousands of problems..."
Richard: "At the risk of overstepping like before when you dumped me, moments ago, I think you should let Lucy and Paul see each other."
April: "But don't you hate Paul to kind of irrational degree? Which gets me off?"
Richard: "Of course! Nothing's changed. Except aren't you worried about what will happen when Lucy finds out that you are actually lying to her about something super important? Because what will happen is, she will say For ten years my father was dead to me but now it is my mother who is dead to me."
April: "Wait, are you suggesting Karen Kim doesn't give great advice about lying to everybody, all the time, about everything? That's a fuckin' thinker."
POST-DEPOSITION
Natalie Wade: "That was a shitshow, huh?"
Karen: "Really? Because I thought it went quite well. Because I am a lunatic."
Natalie Wade: "Literally, claiming you were home alone is the worst alibi you can have. You really need to pull someone else into the quicksand of your terrible decisions."
Karen: "But who? Savannah's recused and she's the only person that might be oblivious enough to vouch for me. Everybody else I know is onto my bullshit."
Natalie Wade: "Dr. Jacob Pollack that is in love with you, perhaps?"
Karen: "Wait, he's in love with me? When did this happen?"
Seriously, when did that happen? Is it just that Natalie Wade is magic? Because I can buy that. She could just see into his soul and be like, "The fact that he is still in business with you after five years -- and that even as you're taking him down with you he still finds it in himself to yell at you on your own behalf -- means one of two things. Being he's a character on this show, it can't be that he has a vested interest in his own business or future, so that must mean he's in love with you. And that, my friend, we can burn to the motherfucking ground."
Sam: "Hey Karen, I was just lurking in the lobby of Savi's offices because lurking is my main thing now that I'm not currently enrolled at Brown where I go to school."
Karen: "Go suck a dick, Sam."
Sam: "I mean, sorry I lied in your deposition! But my mom got Crying in the Bathtub Face and that really does a number on me."
Karen: "So your plan all along was to fuck me, then fuck me?"
Sam: "No, just to fuck you! Which was great! But then you ignored my calls and treated me like shit, which kind of puts it on you."
You know, out of all the incredible shit Karen is pulling at all times, I can't believe I'm still most upset at her for -- not even hurting the feelings of -- fucking up her shot at an ill-advised, violence-ending, life-destroying relationship with an entitled little psycho like Sam. The power of the catblinks. Some men are simply worth imploding in on yourself like a dying star.
Karen: "Are you saying you don't take our relationship seriously?"
Sam: "No, I'm saying you are Planet Redflag, an entire planet covered in red flags, and I would never hitch myself to your wagon in a million years. But thanks for breaking my heart like six times in a row."
Karen: "Bitch have you not seen how seriously I take my own life? Did you really think I was capable of keeping a pet alive?"
POST-6 FLAGS
Richard: "It is fun being together again and having our daughters together again."
April: "Thanks for the advice about pissing off my daughter. I think you're right. Maybe constantly lying to people about important shit isn't the best M.O."
Richard: "Don't tell Karen Kim, it'll fuck up her entire therapeutic modality."
April: "I'm gonna take her out for ice cream -- ice cream being for some reason this week's throw pillows -- and tell her just how bad I've been dicking her around."
Richard: "Double scoop of mint chip?"
April: "Olive Martini. Lucy is one classy eight-year-old."
JOSS MINUS ALEX
Alex: "Did you enjoy working instead of being at the party we ended up having to cancel?"
Joss: "What a drag, am I right? Anyway, who cares about you or your life or your disappointment. Let's just go to bed without me showering."
Alex: "You have bite marks on your abdomen and you smell like man stink. Also Greek yogurt."
Joss: "That is because I flaked out on you to go fuck a Frenchman. Like you told me to!"
Alex: "Do what?"
Joss: "Remember? I was on the couch and you were like, 'Listen, if you ever want to fuck up your professional life and our home life and nascent relationship by fucking your boss without telling me about it, that would be totally cool'?"
Alex: "Guess I knew this was coming the whole time, but still. FML. Good night."
DEPOS, DAY 2
Jacob: "This where the party at?"
Natalie Wade: "Hey Dr. Pollack! Remember that time you stayed late at the office, working with Karen?"
Jacob: "Totally do. Ten-four, Natalie Wade."
Karen: "...Wait, what's happening?"
DNA CLINIC
Harry: "Can I have someone else's sensitive private medical information?"
Nurse Melanie: "No, because it's illegal. It's because of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996. A thing everybody fucking knows."
Harry: "But I'm kind of hot, right?"
Nurse Melanie: "Yeah, until you open your bitch mouth."
Harry: "...Fine, I'm leaving."
DEPOSITION #4 - DR JACOB POLLACK
"I'm Dr. Jacob Pollack. I went to medical school with Karen Kim, from which she graduated in the top 1%. I should note that it was a medical school for farm animals that think they're people and want to be doctors. Basically a petting zoo that hands out diplomas as a kind of joke, and they dress up the animals in lab coats, and it's a fucking riot. Anyway, we lost touch for a while because I actually attended a real medical school after that, and then we met at this award ceremony for one of those awards she's always getting. I think this was for inventing Korean people? Anyway, we started our practice at some point after that, in 2008."
Natalie Wade: "Remember that night Thomas Grey died?"
Pollack: "Sure, I was in the office doing paperwork."
Natalie Wade: "Who else was there? Anybody in this room?"
Karen: "NO! Just our shitty receptionist Lila!"
Natalie Wade: "Dr. Pollack, anybody else?"
Karen: "YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER! TIME FOR MY DEPOSITION!"
Counsel: "Sure, that checks out. Pollack, you're dismissed."
Karen: "And fuck your list of questions. We're doing this my way."
DEPOSITION #5 - DR KAREN KIM
Karen: "Dr. Kim, where were you on the night Thomas died?"
Karen: "I was at home, alone."
Karen: "It was just you and me, is that correct?"
Karen: "That's correct. I remember, because Thomas called me that morning and said he was feeling kind of suicide-y."
Karen: "Tell us more."
Karen: "Okay, well, I was totally butt-crazy in love with him."
Karen: "And he was in love with you?"
Karen: "Maybe. All I know is, I was in love with a married man."
Karen: "That was the first crime you committed?"
Elizabeth: "This is the craziest shit I have ever seen."
Everybody: "For real."
Karen: "So he could commit suicide."
Karen: "Yeah, that's how much I loved him. But then I got screwed!"
Karen: "Screwed how?"
Karen: "He never called me over to kill him with it! Which made me feel like a total mistress on ABC Mondays at its new time 8/7c."
Karen: "So then who gave him the morphine?"
Karen: "I think probably his bitch wife."
"What the circumstances were, I'll never know. But I know what I did, I know the mistakes I've made... and now my conscience is clear. I doubt you can say the same."
Literally everyone in the room is so disgusted by this display that they stopped listening halfway through. What do you even call this? It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face, except more like cramming a rocket up your ass and lighting the fuse to spite your face and then your whole face is exploded into space.
On the other hand, the invisible people who are not at this deposition and do not care and do not exist, they are very impressed by this demonstration of honesty that has nothing to do with her defense, the case, or anything at issue or relevant in any way.
"Also, I eat grapes at the grocery store. I doubt you can admit the same, but at least my conscience is clear. You want my shirt? Here's my shirt. Let me just set it on fire while it is still on my body. That proves what a good person I am. Let's hit the ATM."
ALEX IN THE AM
Alex: "You know what? Fuck you. How about that? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Joss: "Why are you being so weird about this? All I did was cheat on you and make sure to rub it in your face."
Alex: "Why are you like this?"
Joss: "Because I am broken as fuck?"
Alex: "So who was it. Was it Olivier? Because you've been unhealthily obsessed with him since before we hooked up."
Joss: "I don't see how it matters now, but yes. What is going on here? You told me to fuck him! You opened the door to this!"
Alex: "That's the insane thing. I asked you about sex with men so that you would say no, and comfort my moment of insecurity about our relationship. Obviously."
Joss: "Because what I heard was you were so enlightened and past labels that you wanted me to sneak around and fuck men behind your back. Why are you taking that back now?"
Alex: "I said we could discuss boundaries, and then you went and slept with someone without telling me about it. The opposite of that."
Joss: "But only because you're making it weird!"
Alex: "You utter asshole. If it's not weird, then why did you sneak around? Why wouldn't you tell me who it was? Why did you make absolutely sure to do it in a way that would hurt my feelings?"
Joss: "You're being so unreasonable! If I had come to you and asked if I could have sex with Olivier you would have said no."
SAVI
Joss: "Women, huh? So obsessed, so hung up on sex."
Savi: "Lol that you -- the most sexually dysfunctional person on the planet, who never shuts up about sex, who has so many sexual hang-ups she has no choice but to proclaim them signs of healthy sexual freedom -- you are in my kitchen saying this shit to me. After three weeks of actual slut-shaming about my indiscretions, you're going to pull another hypocritical 180."
Joss: "Is that a problem?"
Savi: "No, I like being mistreated by hypocrites. It's kind of my 'thing.'"
Joss: "Like your kink? Because kinks are totally normal. So normal we don't even need to talk about them or where they come from or the ways they might limit us."
Savi: "No. I just meant..."
Joss: "SHUT UP ABOUT IT. That is so sex-negative. God."
Savi: "Anyway, I don't care. Karen is maybe going to jail? Or something, I have no idea because I haven't really looked into it."
Joss: "Nope, I still need to talk about myself. Can you believe Alex is going to kick me out of her house and life -- but mostly her house -- just because I cheated on her and lied to her face about it?"
Savi: "Still confused on how your warped mind is convincing itself she gave you permission when even from a cursory outside perspective she was plainly doing the opposite."
Joss: "See, again. Sex-negative."
Savi: "Not entirely sure you understand that concept as well as you think."
Joss: "Alex and I have a great relationship. One-half of a lesbian between the two of us, but romantically we are totally in sync. Well, she does stuff to me. But then Olivier… that was just sex. Just job-destroying, life-sabotaging sex. It meant nothing!"
Savi: "I think it means you're not a lesbian -- just kind of an asshole."
Joss: "If they didn't want us treating them like marionettes in the ongoing movies of our vastly more important lives, they wouldn't fuck us in the first place, Savi. They know what they're doing. They know it's approximate and short-lived and fake, that's what they're into. Anybody with an actual backbone would have cut and run the second I walked in, come on. You don't date straight people because you're being serious about your life."
Savi: "Wait, did you refer to this as a relationship?"
Joss: "Is this the part where you condescend to me for having a relationship? Even though I just blew it to shit?"
Savi: "It was never possible for you to cheat before, because you never committed before! You're maturing!"
Joss: "That's really the takeaway here?"
Savi: "Dominic put me up at the Four Seasons. Booked me a prenatal massage."
Joss: "He's really courting you, huh? Treating you like something special. That fucker."
Savi: "I have been married to Harry Davis for about a hundred years and never once did I feel like something special. I found him on the beach, like a condom or a syringe, and I brought him home with me and then I used my life savings to set him up with a business he's running into the ground. At what point was I courted in that scenario? In the split-second it took him to pick me over Karen Kim?"
Joss: "But all of a sudden you're into Dominic?"
Savi: "Not all of a sudden. All along. You wouldn't understand -- because you fuck everybody, at the precise second you feel like fucking them -- but I was actually sublimating some pretty powerful attraction for a few years. I'm not proud of what I did, but at least it makes sense. Your bullshit, on the other hand, is turning into a Stoppard play of empty gestures, performances about performances contingent on lies which are themselves contingent on other, more historically leveraged performances. I mean you really need to get your shit together."
Joss: "You're right. She is being such a bitch about this."
WEEK
Lucy has been kidnapped! But by whom, and to what end? How will the showdown between Karen and the Greys resolve, now that she's probably lost everything? Are they really going to go there with Harry's partner trying to rape Joss? Can they really think that's an appropriate storyline for that character in 2013? Who do I need to blow to get Natalie Wade on this show full-time? And what on Earth is going to happen with (April and) Richard?!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.
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