Do Jerrold and his associates do this every month? Sit in a boardroom while Jerrold totals up the monthly billing hours on an old paper-roll calculator? Because you'd think that'd be frustrating. It appears to finally be getting to Nick, who decides to make a snarky comment about all the fancy computers that can do addition and subtraction. Oh, these kids and their newfangled inventions. Jerrold just gives him a look, and then, as he continues adding, nails Nick by saying that cocksure rejoinders are more effective when they come from the top billing associate of the month, who happens to be Kate this month, apparently for the first time. Kate's delighted that she's spending so much time splitting up so many marriages (aside from a moment's doubt when she says, "No wonder I have no life," and you'd think this Friday night show would want to avoid references to people with no lives), while Nick is aghast. It turns out that not all Kate's time is spent ripping couples apart; some of her total includes her matchmaking work, now being run with the blessing of Jerrold, but Nick doesn't figure it should count. And I have to say, I agree with him. I can't imagine going to my boss and telling him my TWoP work counts the same as the work I do in the office. I know he'd take a dimmer view of it than Jerrold does.
Anyway, Kate wants to discuss Nick's claims of unfairness as soon as she gets back from the bathroom, like all of a sudden she really has to go. I mean, really has to go. She's hop-walking and grimacing and everything as she enters the bathroom, where she's accosted by a woman named Connie, who looks like she's been crying. Connie asks if Kate is that matchmaker person, forcing Kate to do the need-to-pee hop while standing outside the stall. Connie introduces herself as the travel agent who works down the hall. "So, Connie, see you around?" says Kate, more hopefully than rudely, but Connie practically bursts into tears, so Kate asks what's wrong. Connie starts talking about how she and her boyfriend Scott have been together since they were 16 (ten years ago), and she's basically getting to the ultimatum stage as far as a wedding goes, since Scott always changes the subject when she brings it up. Kate's all, you talk, I'll tinkle, and vanishes into the stall (not for long, though; for someone who suddenly had to go so badly, Kate's in and out rather quickly. You know what I think? COCAINE).
So last night when Connie brought it up again, Scott flipped out, and his complaints usually centre around the fact that neither of them has ever been with anybody else, so how can they know they're right for each other, which kind of makes you wonder why Connie can't just say, "We've been together TEN YEARS," which is basically what Kate asks her as she washes her hands, and Connie says, "Because I love him," often the reason pathetic people tell their stories on Springer. Unfortunately, I don't think we're soon to see any chairs flying on this show, coupled with repeated usage of the phrase "crazy skank-ass bitch," unless Charisma Carpenter comes back. What Connie wants is for Scott to see what's out there, but still wind up liking her best. "Well, that would be nice, but I don't know if you can ever guarantee that," says Kate. Connie blathers on about how she can take it on faith that she and Scott are meant for each other, but Scott needs proof, and hey, you're the matchmaker! Kate's gobsmacked. "You want me to set your boyfriend up on dates?" she says. "Oh my god, that would be so much help," says a strangely relieved Connie.
Love is gonna get you, baby.
Richard Kind of television's Spin City begins the parade of minor sitcom regulars -- well, unless you count Connie, who apparently appears on What I Like About You, but you'd better not have recognized her, or I'll be very displeased -- threatening to turn Miss Match into the new Love Boat. And this is one of those scenes where Jerrold basically mocks the client while Kate grimaces at him. Richard Kind wants to change the terms of his divorce settlement (which is already done and over with). "It's about my mattress," he says to a confused Kate and Daddy Fox. Richard Kind, known here as "Mr. Weston," explains that his wife got the mattress in the settlement, and he hasn't had a good night's sleep since. It's a $6,000 mattress, you see, and Mr. Weston has a bad back, and the mattress was always too firm for Mr. Weston's ex-wife anyway. Now, knowing all this, the obvious question is how his ex-wife wound up with the mattress in the first place (other than as a contrived plot device), and Jerrold asks about that. Weston's answer is that he was so upset at the time that he never even thought of it. Kate's unsure that Weston even needs legal representation, since maybe he could just ask his wife for the mattress back, which made me wonder just how many divorces Kate has actually handled. "Oh, trust me. I've tried. She won't even take my calls," says Weston. Kate patiently explains that it's really rare for a judge to change a divorce settlement after the fact. "Especially when it's furniture-related," says Jerrold, mildly enough, but still earning a glare from Kate, which makes Jerrold hastily say that they'll give it a shot anyway. And for a change, afterwards, Kate's the one wondering why they'd even bother taking this case on. Jerrold's all, we're not. You are. They're at the front desk by this time, and Claire tells Kate that her clients are in her office. Then Jerrold asks Kate to guess who he saw on the golf course yesterday. Kate's all, "Tiger Woods?" for some reason, but Jerrold saw Bryan. "My Bryan?" says Kate. "I always liked him," says Fox Daddy, which makes Kate laugh. "Firm handshake, nice swing," says Jerrold. I've golfed a couple of times with my girlfriend's dad, and I have to say that at least I have a firm handshake. The phone rings, and Jerrold's all, Bryan might call you, and Kate's all, WHY? Claire's answered the phone, and guess what? It's Bryan. Kate's justifiably annoyed at her dad, who pleads with her to talk to Bryan, and Kate just LAUGHS, which would not be my reaction if my meddling parents encouraged any ex-girlfriends of mine to call.
Kate, who I should probably report is wearing a black see-through shirt, takes the call in some room that I guess isn't her office, since her clients aren't there, and when she picks up she apologizes for not calling, but work has been crazy. Like she needs to apologize for not calling. Since she's so busy, he'll be brief: "Have dinner with me." Kate's all, whuzzah? And Bryan's doing that I'm-so-totally-fine-you-don't-have-to-worry fake-out that dumped guys like to do (I've done it). "No expectations, so no excuses," he says, so Kate agrees and asks where he wants to meet, but we don't hear him picking a place.
Time to check in with her clients. And they're not real clients, they're matchmaker clients. Connie's dragged along her boyfriend. Hey! It's that guy! Kate's all, "Are you Johnny Ray? Are you Fay Wray? Are you Jimmy Ray?" No! It's Eddie Kaye! Thomas, that is, known to most people as Finch (and that's how I'm going to refer to him) -- at least, that's if they can remember his American Pie character's name at all. I suspect not a few people know him only as the guy who boinked Stifler's mom. Connie introduces Scott, who's kind of confused that he and Connie are meeting with a lawyer. Kate's explanation is that she dabbles in relationships on the side, which doesn't seem to clear things up for Finch. He also doesn't seem to be able to answer Kate's question about whether Connie told him what she and Kate discussed. So Kate lays out how Finch would, in an ideal world, be able to explore what's out there before he settles down. "Is that accurate?" she asks, the lawyer in her coming through. And he hesitantly says yes, that would be ideal. Kate says that with his girlfriend's blessing, Kate can introduce him to many interesting single women so he can satisfy his curiosity. Finch seems quite stunned, even with Connie looking on supportively. And I think Connie's quite cute, so I'm going to have to say that while Miss Match isn't a show I'd watch if I weren't being paid to do so (not enough people carry guns on this show, far fewer than on shows I normally watch), I have to say that it's not a show that's exactly hard on the eyes.
Anyway, Finch asks, "Am I being punk'd?" Um, are you supposed to be somebody or something? No. You're not being punk'd. And, cute girls or no, if Ashton Kutcher ever shows up on Miss Match, I'm out of here. Anyway, Finch is really flabbergasted by the whole thing, and Connie needs to explain that as much as she wants to marry him, she won't while he has any doubts at all about them being together. Finch agrees to date other young hotties, but only as long as Connie agrees to do the same. "I don't want to go on dates with other guys," she says, but he says that if he goes on these dates and they wind up getting married, he's going to hear about it for the rest of his life. Maybe Finch could be a bigger asshole and we could be just a little bit more confused over why Connie wants to marry him in the first place. Could that be possible? Connie looks to Kate for help, and Kate smiles and nods like this is all a really good idea, so Connie agrees to do it too. Finch wants to know if there are pictures they're supposed to look at, but Kate just laughs and says she'll give them a call when she's got people lined up.
After the meeting, Kate's walking Connie out. Um, is Finch staying behind to hang out at the law firm? Let's not ask questions like that, and just accept that Connie needs to talk to Kate alone and tell her that the thought of going out on a bunch of random dates really weirds her out, whatever a "random date" is. Kate reminds her that it seemed important to Finch, but Connie says that she doesn't want to lead anyone on. At that moment, Wallace Langham, formerly of Veronica's Closet and Larry Sanders, walks in, looking like a courier, although I don't think it's inappropriate to say that his walk is more of a sashay. He waves at Kate, who's all, I think I know just the guy.
So Langham's picking up a summons from Claire ("Yum! Manhattan Beach!" he says) when Kate walks over. "Hi, gorgeous. Great shoes," he says, like, I promise you, WE GET IT. Kate thanks him and asks if he'd be interested in going out with one of her clients. And IN CASE ANYONE MISSED IT, Lucas here reminds Kate that he's gay. Kate assures him that she plans to dance at his "Canadian wedding," but she begs him anyway. Lucas explains the incongruity of a gay man dating a woman, but Kate is undeterred, even when Lucas explains that gay men aren't sexually attracted to women. "I know, it's perfect!" says Kate, promising to call him later before skipping off. Lucas gives an exasperated little sigh. Scott Thompson wonders if it was necessary for Langham to play the courier quite so swishy.
Over at the Only Bar, Victoria is all confused about the Connie/Finch situation, and finally says, "Good luck with that!" only to find out that Kate wants her to go out with Finch. Victoria says no, even though Kate insists that Finch needs to put his doubts to rest. "I see, so one date with me will send him running back to his girlfriend. Yeah. I generally have that effect on men," says Victoria, and I can't quite figure out if Victoria is lamenting her lack of success with men or being sarcastic with that last bit, boasting by implying that after one date with her, ain't no way Finch is going back to Connie. Probably the former. Kate floats the possibility that maybe the two of them will hit it off, and maybe not, but at the very least Victoria gets a free dinner out of it. To seal the deal, Kate starts stroking Victoria's ego by saying that Finch will always have the memories of his one fantasy date with Victoria, who agrees to do it only if she gets to pick the restaurant.
Speaking of dates, and restaurants, here's Kate arriving for her date with Bryan, and she's wearing this dress that…okay. So she arrives, and she's wearing this dress that…okay. I'm sorry. Let me try that again. This dress is slit all the way down to…okay. I mean, all the way down…
Okay.
I just would like to say, thank you, Alicia Silverstone. Thank you, Darren Starr. Thank you, Television Without Pity. Thank you, Sars.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm done now. ["Heh. You're welcome." -- Sars] Anyway, Kate and Bryan chit-chat about golfing with Kate's dad, and Kate warns Bryan not to pay any attention to anything her dad says, since he's just trying to mess up Bryan's game. "Yeah, well, Kate, my game's been really messed up…ever since the day I stopped seeing you." See, I heard the segue served in this restaurant is just great, especially sprinkled with cheese, but I have to admit, I almost threw up. "That's sweet," says Kate. "It's true," says Bryan. "Leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life." Kate's all, um, I left you, remember? It was right in the very first episode. Bryan's all, oh yeah. "See, that's just it. I don't want to argue," he says, whatever that's supposed to mean. The wine arrives, and Bryan starts blathering on about how much she'll love the Chablis, and Kate looks delighted, and Bryan uses that as a jumping-off point to talk about how right they are for each other, and how they just have to work on their communication skills. Kate scrunches up her face a little bit, but before she can explain that it's not so much about improving communication skills as it's about Bryan being a major dingus, but her CELL PHONE RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS IT, much to Bryan's quite undisguised annoyance.
It's Victoria, whining about how she hasn't been on a date this awkward since eleventh grade, and Kate says that's probably because Finch hasn't been on a date with another woman since then. Victoria whines that Finch keeps looking at her boobs, although, in Finch's defense, they're kind of hard to miss, what with the visible push-up bra and the cleavage and all. Kate tells Victoria not to let Finch get away with anything. "There's no need to treat this guy with kid gloves," she says, and a gleeful Victoria announces that the gloves are off, and hangs up. Kate apologizes to Bryan for the "matchmaking crisis" and Bryan seizes on that, pointing out that he never took that seriously before, and now he hears that she's turned it into a full-on business. I guess, if it were just a hobby for her, he'd be completely justified in not taking it seriously. Kate demurs, saying it's really just a sideline. Anyway, despite Bryan's earlier promises that there were no expectations, he pleads with her to give him another chance. Kate's reluctant, and he asks if she's seeing anybody new, which she isn't. And he asks that she at least go to couples counseling with him, and maybe someone should point out to him that I think that you're supposed to actually be a couple in order to do that. "Let's talk about our issues with someone objective. If nothing else, we can part as friends. Because I just don't want to imagine a life without you in it." That's quite the steaming load of crap he's served up, but Kate says he's quite persuasive, then says okay. Then they toast "second chances." Then I can't believe everybody didn't just turn off their televisions in annoyance, since you just know this is going to go nowhere.
Victoria returns to the table with Finch saying, "Hey, sexy," and I have to say that him saying, "I was getting lonely without you," while staring brazenly at her breasts, was pretty funny. She snaps her fingers and is all, "Up here!" so he sheepishly apologizes, saying that it's just because she's so hot. Surprisingly, that doesn't sway her; she just tells him to work on the eye contact. Trying to at least keep the conversation going, she asks if he has any hobbies, and he bores her by talking about swimming, and his collection of matchbooks from restaurants he's visited (sounding especially sad when he admits that he kind of stopped actually collecting them). Oh! He forgot to mention his car, a '67 Lincoln Continental, with original upholstery, suicide doors. You'd think this would be all yadda yadda yadda to Victoria, but she snaps to, saying that that is her dream car. "Really," says Finch. "I restored it myself." He also uses the phrase "pretty cherry," and when Victoria expresses a desire to see it, he's all, "Cheque!"
Outside, in the Lincoln Continental, Victoria's purring about how it looks like it's fresh off the showroom floor. "Yep, she's my baby," says Finch. Poor, sweet, deluded Connie. Victoria praises his restoration job, calling the car a "beautiful piece of machinery." "So are you," says Finch. Victoria gives him a look, forcing him to apologize and acknowledge that he realizes she's a woman, not machinery, but she interrupts his apology to warn him that his "window of opportunity is fading fast," so she recommends he stop talking. He does so, and they start doing it right on the front seat, horn honking approvingly.
The day, Victoria's on the phone with Kate, pretending to nonchalantly wonder what Finch thought of her (but Kate hasn't spoken to him yet). Kate's all, why do you want to know? And Victoria's all, no reason, and Kate's all, Victoria Francine Carlton! You liked him! And Victoria's all, nuh-uh! And Kate's all, yuh-huh! And so on, until Victoria admits Finch was kind of cool, "in an oddball sort of way." And she drops the bomb that she and Finch made out in the front seat (and there was "totally enough room"). Kate's a little surprised, and slightly annoyed at Victoria's blathering about how not enough American cars have big bench seats anymore, and so forth, until finally Victoria says it's her impression that Finch doesn't seem ready to settle down. Did she figure that out before or after he stuck his tongue down her throat?
Kate's broken the news to Connie about Finch and Victoria going to town, which doesn't really seem to bother Connie all that much, and Kate offers to set her up with someone a little more "viable." I guess there was no making out on her date with the Courier Queen, although Connie admits that it would have been fun if the guy hadn't been so flaming. So it's settled, then; Kate's going to try to fix her up with someone who might actually want to poke her. Oh, hey, Nick! Nick looks Connie up and down as Connie leaves, then chases after Kate (who I forgot to mention is wearing what looks to be some sort of tight black dress, the likes of which I've never seen on a lawyer, ever). "Were you just talking to C-Tag?" asks Nick, which requires an explanation; it stands for "cute travel agent girl," which is the nickname Nick and "Randy the Janitor" have given her. Kate's mildly amused, and tells Nick that Connie's the one Kate was telling him about earlier. Nick: "If she wants to test her relationship, let her test it with me." Kate says no and walks away, burning him with a "'cause I promised her someone with potential." Nick defends himself by saying that he knows he's given the impression in the past that he's a less than attentive date, but he calls that a "tactic," one which I'm assuming he wouldn't employ against the vulnerable Connie. But still, he says, "I can go all out. And when I go all out? I go all out." Kate temporarily loses her mind and agrees to set Nick up with Connie. "I'll make you proud," he says.
In the courtroom, Kate's making an eloquent speech about Weston's "abject grief" during the divorce, which caused him to forget about a silly ol' mattress, but now he's miserable because he's exhausted. He's lost his house and his stuff, pleads Kate: "At least give him a good night's sleep." But the judge ain't havin' it, and dismisses it with a curt "motion denied." And I'm no lawyer, but I doubt that Kate's plaintive "Just like that?" wins many points with the court. Kate tells Weston that it was a long shot anyway, and he tells her not to worry about it; he says he has a better idea, but all he'll say about it is that he'll stop by her office tomorrow.
Outside the court, Kate sees Lucas, and she thanks him for going out with Connie. His response is that it's always nice to go out and reaffirm his gayness, whatever that means. He also waves hello to Weston's ex-wife, Maureen, and thanks her for the lentil recipe she gave him. "Subliiime!" he sing-songs. Kate's all, you two know each other? "I have served her with ten summons in the past year, all from your guy," he says, suggesting that Weston really has it in for his ex-wife.
Back at the law firm, Kate's telling her dad that they can't continue to represent Weston, since he's just going to keep coming back to them with brand-new cases. Jerrold attempts to explain to his daughter the concept of repeat business, but she runs down the list of frivolous lawsuits, including one for harassment of his father (when his ex-wife just called to remind him to take his heart medicine), and an injunction to try to keep her out of the gym they both belong to. For anybody who doesn't get it, Jerrold explains that Weston is obviously using the court system to lash out at his ex-wife, which I'm sure is completely unheard of in the divorce industry, and Jerrold just has one question: "Did the cheque clear?" It did, says Kate, rolling her eyes (but smiling). Fox Daddy tells her to keep up the good work.
Finch and Kate walk down the street, with Finch talking about punching above his weight, dating-wise, saying he'd like to date a model or actress, since he always fantasizes about that when he's out with Connie, and Kate smiles at this instead of poking him in his beady little eyes, but at least she tells him that the women he's fantasizing about "can't hold a candle" to Connie in terms of warmth or character, and Finch is all, "I know, I know," but he really wants to get this out of his system. Kate doesn't say anything. "I know, you think I'm a pig, don't you?" and Kate smiles and says, "Not entirely," and promises to see what she can do.
Supremely annoying therapy scene with an older woman with short, white hair named Sonja, who thinks it's marvelous that Bryan wants to get the bottom of what went wrong with their relationship. Kate, meanwhile, looks about as eager as I do about my upcoming dental surgery. Stupid wisdom teeth. Anyway, Sonja wants to know what Kate thinks went wrong, but Bryan jumps in by saying that they really love each other, but the problem was they weren't communicating. Kate says she's actually quite a communicative person, but the trouble was that Bryan didn't listen. "When did I not listen?" says Bryan, and Kate reminds him of that stupid Maui trip that she didn't want to go on, so he starts off on how he was just trying to do something nice, and he bought non-refundable tickets, and blah blah yippy yeah, and Kate says it was nice, but she felt like he was "steamrolling" over her. They start to bicker, so this is where the therapist decides to introduce them to her rock -- it's an actual rock, and only the person holding the rock is allowed to talk, while the other one has to listen. She is obviously the most deranged couples therapist ever. Um, excuse me, bickering couple? I'd like to interrupt your argument right now so that I may GIVE ONE OF YOU A HEAVY, BLUNT OBJECT. Now, continue picking at each other. Kate takes the rock, and complains about how Bryan was always so critical of her. Bryan takes the rock and apologizes, acknowledging that he can be a critical person, starting with himself. He says, though, that during their time apart, when he went on dates with people the likes of "Candace, the model-slash-actress," he realized the things that annoyed him about her are actually the things that he misses about her. That sounds like a bit of a slam to me, but Kate takes the rock back to say, "Thank you." Then Crazy Couples Therapy Woman suggests that they go on a first date together; they should get all dolled up as their "special selves." Bryan suggests that he make dinner, and Kate agrees that they can do it at her place, and Crazy Couples Therapy Woman is all yelling at the top of her lungs, "THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL," and clapping. Then Kate asks if Bryan has the number of that model/actress, since she might have someone good for her. Bryan just makes this "you see what I'm talking about?" face and gesture to the therapist, like so much for taking her matchmaking business seriously.
Out on the town with Candace is the newly emboldened Finch, bragging about the work he did on his '67 Continental. Candace, however, is less than impressed. "You drive a car from 1967?" Bryan's all, that's right, baby. But Candace says, "That's just sad." She asks what he does for a living. He says he's a student activities coordinator at a college in El Segundo. "Wow, you must make like no money," says Candace, sounding almost impressed that Bryan doesn't die from the shame of it all. Bryan's kind of thrown for a loop, but manages to ask if that's important to her, although it CLEARLY IS, and she says that she's been poor, and "rich is better."
Over at Nick and Connie's date, Nick is proving himself to be the perfect gentleman we always he knew he could pretend to be. He even passes her bread! Connie's pretty impressed, which makes me feel really sorry for Connie that she's wowed by Nick passing her the pumpernickel. You'd think she'd feel somewhat unnerved by Nick's really fugly sweater, which doesn't go well with Connie's nice evening dress. And I've figured out what it is about Nick's hair that bothers me; his hair looks like a grass hut in the South Pacific, and his sideburns are like the poles that hold up his hut hair. If it were a little slicker, he'd look even more like a less menacing Crispin Glover. Connie decides to be honest with Nick, and tells him she's involved with someone. Nick says he already knows, which relieves Connie, since he should understand how weird it is for her to be on a date like this, and even weirder that she's enjoying herself. "As am I," says Nick, who then decides to ask Connie exactly why she still is with Finch. He sounds genuinely curious, not opportunistic or anything. "You're young. You're beautiful. Your life should be filled with nights like this," he says. Connie tosses back the rest of her champagne, grabs Nick by the head, and, in the immortal words of Rudy Giuliani, gives him a five-second Frenchie. Commercials.
The day, in the break room, Nick is opening up the conversation with some TMI by saying, "I want you to know, just for the record, I did not sleep with her." Kate's all, "That's a relief," and Nick has to make sure that she knows that he could have if he wanted to, so he deserves some "credit" for showing some "restraint." "Are you at all serious?" asks Kate, and Nick just laughs and blathers on about Connie being "untethered" and admits that maybe he laid it on just a little bit thick, mainly in order to prove to Kate that he can be a good date. But his sensitive-guy act may have bigger repercussions, because, Nick reminds Kate, you remember how Connie wasn't into the whole dating-other-people thing? "She's into it. Big-time," says Nick.
Finch, however, ain't so much into it anymore, which is hardly surprising, what with Victoria clearly being a complete fluke, and he tells Kate over lunch that he's ready to settle down with Connie. Kate thinks that's great: "I'm sure that, in time, Connie will come to the same conclusion," she says. Finch is all, whuh? What do you mean, "in time"? He asks if Connie's enjoying the dating thing. Kate plays dumb, but does allude to Connie holding up her end of the bargain. Finch looks suddenly upset at the possibility that he's turned his cute, sweet, loving girlfriend into a raging nymphomaniac. He demands to know who the guy is, but Kate won't tell him, and keeps offering reassurance that Connie will come around. "What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I should be seeing other people!" he says, which is what I thought he had been doing. "Everything's going to be okay. I believe that," she says. So he asks if she likes old cars, and Kate looks really disgusted and tells him that it's "not happening," which I'm sure will do wonders for Finch's mood.
I can't get over how boring Richard Kind's mattress storyline is. I think I'll recap it in haiku form.
Weston finds letters
Missives of love from ex-wife
They're fraudulent!
Kate's diplomatic
Puzzled by his behaviour
Weston ball of hate
Daniel's unhappy
World Series Expo-less
Drinking the answer
Nick wanders in to announce that tonight is his second date with Connie, and he's trying to decide between "east-side hip" and "west-side cool," neither of which gives me any reason to like the guy, and Kate's surprised at how much thought Nick has put into this. "I'm nothing if not thoughtful," he says. "Nick, you're many things if not thoughtful," she says. She's still impressed, but she grills Nick because she wants to make sure Nick actually likes Connie, since Finch is starting to freak. Nick seems less than serious when he tells Kate to "let him freak," and that he's "always liked C-Tag." He starts reading Weston's ex-wife's letters, giving Kate a chance to think about just how she's going to fuck up a relationship this week before she miraculously fixes it at the end. Nick wonders just how things can go from ga-ga to divorce. "I don't think he knows," says Kate. Then a little light bulb goes off over her head, and she says that Nick just gave her an idea. Nick's all smiley, since he thinks he needs to be rewarded for every little thing he does.
Kate's mailing letters
Claire's befuddled again
Courier's still gay
"Aren't they evidence?"
Claire's query met with smile
"Hopefully," says Kate
At the bar, a drunk Finch is harassing Victoria by complaining loudly about Connie, in Kate's words, "holding up her end of the bargain." "Like there's some sort of bargain here!" yells Finch. Victoria reminds him that the other night he got it on with a totally hot chick, and his girlfriend was okay with it, and that sounds like a bargain to her. And I should point out that "totally hot chick" was Victoria's phrase to describe herself. I mean, she's right, but still. Finch starts whining about Connie being out on the town with a "desperate single-guy psychopath," and Victoria breezily tells him that Nick's not a psychopath, although he is a "hound dog" with "nice hair," and it never once occurs to Victoria that maybe she shouldn't tell a drunken enraged Finch who Connie happens to be seeing. At least she steals Finch's car keys so he can't drive.
Nick's helping Connie out of the car, and she's raving about the restaurant where you get the privilege of fishing for your own sushi, like, restaurants where they con you into doing all the work for them are the biggest scam ever, but Nick calls the place "a hidden treasure of the city," and adds for good measure, "just like you." Which makes Connie blush, and she invites him in, and he's accepting, making sure to specify that he'll only come in if that's what she wants, and she says it is, then says she's not quite sure, then says she wants to "go for it" anyway. As she fiddles with the lock, Nick has what looks to be a crisis of conscience, and tells her that it's getting late, and even though he'd like nothing better than to "rock [Connie's] world all night long," there's no need to rush anything. "You are just the sweetest!" squeals Connie, wrapping her arms around Nick for a kiss.
Which is, naturally, when Finch pulls up in a cab, and he gets out, yelling, "What the hell is going on here!!" like, maybe he missed sex-ed class growing up. Nick says he was just leaving, but Finch hauls off and punches him in the nose. Connie freaks out at Finch because this is all happening because of his doubts, and Finch accuses her of doing this just to set him up so she could fool around, and Connie admits to suddenly having doubts after all, and you have to wonder what it is about the drunken, violent, procrastinating, wandering-eyed Finch that is causing her to have doubts. Meanwhile, Nick is behaving like a bit of a baby about his bleeding nose, and Connie tells him to come inside. Nick declines, so Connie shoots Finch the stink-eye one final time before going inside and slamming the door. Nick asks Finch if he has a tissue, but Finch just stomps off back into the cab, which sits there just waiting while Finch goes around punching people. Of course, he probably hadn't been paid yet.
Over at Kate and Bryan's Stupid First Date at Kate's place, Kate and Bryan's special selves are pulling soufflés out of the oven, and they're about to eat when the phone rings, and Kate apologizes as Bryan already gets his mad face in place, and it's Connie telling Kate about Finch's drunken punch-up and yelling about how "that drunken idiot" is not the man she's going to marry. Kate says she has to go, but she'll call Connie in the morning. She apologizes for the "little crisis," and Bryan's special self tells her they're going to have a "major chocolate soufflé crisis" if they don't eat those right away, like anyone has ever uttered the phrase "major chocolate soufflé crisis" in the history of the entire world, and considering that, maybe Kate should just fix Bryan up with the courier and be done with it. And the phone rings again, and Kate promises she'll be just two seconds, and Bryan's getting a little angrier. And Kate has a little trouble answering the phone. Has to push that little button twice! Way to use it, Silverstone! It's Nick, screaming that he hopes Kate has liability insurance, and she tells him to put some ice on it and she'll call him in the morning. I can't tell you how often I heard that at the end of my dates. Hi-yo!
Back to the soufflé crisis. Bryan starts feeding her, and it tastes great, and the phone rings yet again, and this time Bryan even says, "For god's sake!" Now it's drunken Finch, sitting in the back of the cab, lamenting how he's screwed everything up. Kate tells him to go home and get some sleep, and they'll figure things out in the morning. Meanwhile, Bryan's clearing the dishes, making Kate freak out once she gets off the phone. And you know what? As much as Bryan is a bit of a tool, he's totally in the right here. I'd like to point out that, first of all, on the list of occupations that "have" to answer a ringing telephone, "matchmaker" rates somewhere below "carnival worker" and "meter maid." Second, the point of this night was to make an effort to work through the problems they have. Third, she ignored Bryan in favour of the ringing phone, but once on the phone, didn't actually do anything but say they'd work it out in the morning, effectively interrupting their date for nothing. Having said that, it's clear that if Kate can't be bothered to make an effort, the two of them aren't right for each other. Maybe Kate and Bryan should have broken up in the first episode. Oh, wait…anyway, they decide to call it a night. "Sorry about the mess," says Meta-Bryan, as he kisses her on the cheek and walks out. Commercials.
Go ahead, Cuba Gooding Jr. Wear fake teeth. Play a retarded man. We're not going to forget Snow Dogs.
Kate wanders stiffly into the office, like, maybe she went to boot camp again, and Lucas the courier is there, and he tells Kate that she shouldn't have sent those love letters to Weston's ex-wife, as she was "liv-id." This is after he asked Kate if she has any more hot women to fix him up with, and after he says "you suck" to Claire for giving him something to deliver in the Valley. Kate asks Claire if Nick is in yet, and Claire tells her he's with Fox Daddy.
Nick and Fox Daddy are lounging on some couches when Kate stomps in and has the nerve to bitch at Nick since things are over between Connie and Finch, and Nick's claiming that she dragged him into this "Dr. Phil-ian nightmare," and Kate wails that it was a "test of love," and meanwhile Fox Daddy sits there wondering why neither of his associates are actually doing any work. By this point, Nick is all showing off his giant bandage across the bridge of his nose, the purpose of which is lost to me. Now, if he'd had wadded up Kleenex up his nostrils? That would have been funny. Instead, he's all, LOOK AT MY NOSE, BEEYOTCH, and telling Fox Daddy that he hopes Kate is a better lawyer than she is a matchmaker, and stomps off. Judging from her matchmaking record, I think she'd pretty much have to be. Anyway, Fox Daddy, who has been relieved from the burden of having to memorize many lines this episode, calls that a low blow and says that Kate is in fact a much better lawyer. Kate sits down and starts whining about how her problem is that she can't say no, since, when they were in the bathroom, she should have just wished Connie luck and continued on tinkling. And those love letters she sent back to the former Mrs. Weston instead of the lawsuit he wanted to file? Bad idea! "Because that's me. I have to get involved," she says. Fox Daddy offers up some platitude about how if her biggest problem is getting involved, she's a lot better off than the rest of us. He does add, thankgodfully, that sending the love letters was a big no-no. Kate promises to handle it. And speaking of handling things, Claire lets her know that Finch is in her office.
Finch wants to know how bad things are. Kate's all, you mean after you went to town with another chick and then punched out in a drunken rage the guy dating your cute, sweet girlfriend, who was only going out with the guy (who's probably going to sue Finch) you insisted she date, which was only happening in the first place because you couldn't commit to aforementioned cute, sweet girlfriend because you thought maybe your pecker could sample a little more action out there? Finch is all, "I messed up." Kate's all, yeah. Finch says she has to help him get Connie back, and just as I'm wondering if that's included in the $1,000 fee, we learn that the cost of Kate helping him is that she delivers a Stern Lecture in which she tells Finch that his head has been all over the place lately. I will not make a joke about that. "I was scared, okay, but the idea of losing Connie to another guy…I still can't even think about that." He babbles on about how everything that's good in his life is connected to Connie, and pleads with Kate to help him get her back. Kate, forgetting how just a moment ago she was whining that she can't say no, smiles and orders Claire to get Connie on the line. "Connie of the demolished relationship?" says the ever-tactful Claire over the speakerphone. Finch throws up his hands. Kate tells Claire to tell Connie that Kate has a guy to fix her up with, and she won't take no for an answer. Maybe Claire has given up her objection to lying on Kate's behalf.
Kate, still wearing her polka-dot red suit thing, meets Weston's ex-wife Maureen at the only bar for lunch. Kate's in the middle of explaining how unorthodox this is, but Maureen cuts her off and is all, what's up with you sending those love letters? Kate's all, I thought it would remind you of how much you loved Weston. "Those letters reminded me of how much I loved writing letters. Period," says Maureen. Kate's all, d'oh! Maureen goes on to say that she loves writing letters so much, she's going to write another one launching a lawsuit against Kate and her firm so they'll cut out these frivolous lawsuits. Oh, and also? I can't wait to blab about those letters you sent, which has to be some sort of ethical violation. Kate may have missed ethics class, but she got an A-plus in chutzpah, as she responds by informing Maureen that she was only trying to do her a favour, to get the lawsuits to stop, and goes on to inform Maureen that she owes Phil an explanation. Maureen manages not to poke out Kate's sanctimonious eyes and says she tried to talk to Phil for months before the divorce, but Phil doesn't listen to anything he doesn't want to hear and is always trying to manipulate things, like what he's doing with the lawsuits. Hearing that, Kate's all, yeah, he does kind of behave that way. Yeah, just a little. "If either of you are ever going to be able to move past all this, he needs to know why you left." "I could never get him to shut up long enough to tell him," she says. Kate promises she'll get Phil to shut up long enough.
Meeting room. Kate pulls out the "speech rock" and lays out the rule about only being allowed to talk when you have the rock in your hand, and she talks to them like they're children. At this point, let's take a moment to consider how well this technique worked for Kate and Bryan. Thank you. Let's continue with the scene. Oh, I forgot the haiku thing!
Maureen blathers first
Hey, Phil. It's been a while.
But Phil can't shut up.
Special occasion
Maureen's speaking right to me!
A freakin' honour!
Kate's getting angry
Speech Rock rules being broken!
Phil! No rock, no talk!
Phil says he'll be good
Takes rock, makes a hound-dog face
What happened? He asks.
Honestly? She says.
Woke up one day, no more love
We married too young.
I was scared to say that
Phil looks even more sad now
Tinkly piano.
Maureen: "Stop the suits!"
"You have to let me go, Phil."
Phil cries. He's sorry.
Daniel wipes his eyes.
When Maureen gives back mattress.
Phil slumps off, broken.
The Only Bar. Connie shows up, in a pink dress, wondering what wild ride she's in for tonight, only to be less than impressed when she sees Finch waiting there for her. He's cleaned himself up; he's wearing a suit and everything. And since alcohol didn't cause any problems or anything, Connie must be thrilled to see a beer in front of him. She's all pissed, but Finch introduces himself formally and says he wants to start over, so Kate's a perfect two-for-two in trying both of the failed techniques from her crazy couples therapist that didn't work at all for Bryan and her. I suppose the difference here is that Finch is filled with remorse and talks all about how much he loves Connie and how much he wants to marry her. He's in the middle of promising that she is the only person in the world for him, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, when she just shuts him up by kissing him. "We have contact," says Victoria on the phone. She's wearing some black lacy thing, but she's also got on this elbow-length red-and-grey fingerless glove, like, WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR ARM, like if somebody woke up and said, "I'd like to wear Freddy Kreuger's sweater, only as a fingerless glove," this is what they would come up with.
Kate hangs up the other end on her cell phone, and she's standing on a hill watching Bryan and his buddies play soccer. He notices her watching, so he PICKS UP THE BALL and jogs over to her, like, thanks for FORCING EVERYONE ELSE TO STOP PLAYING, and Kate says it's nice to see that Soccer Tuesdays are still on, like, is there some reason that Bryan and his friends should have stopped playing soccer, and he makes some sort of joke about being set in his ways, and finally someone yells for him to give the ball back, so he has to do a regulation soccer throw-in instead of just tossing the ball back, but meanwhile behind him the gang is already playing again with another ball, like, I know this is a quirky little romantic show, but that doesn't excuse you from PAYING ATTENTION TO CONTINUITY. Anyway, they each apologize for their behaviour last night, and he says he gets frustrated when he has to share her with the world, and she says she sometimes has trouble balancing her own relationships with the relationships of other people, and he's all thrilled that she's finally realized that about herself. Kate goes on to say that because of that, if she's going to be in a relationship, it just has to feel right (um, isn't that the case for everybody?). Anyway, Bryan? This don't feel right. Bryan's all, whoa, you're breaking up with me? And Kate's all, let's just call it "smell ya later," and he asks her to set aside her doubts and realize that they're a good thing, and Kate says, "I don't have any doubts; that's the problem!" Are they broken up yet? Bryan wonders if this means he can't play golf anymore with Fox Daddy, and Kate laughs and warns him to keep an eye on the scorecard. So, they hug, and Kate can't even be bothered to put down her damn purse in one hand and cell phone in the other to hug the guy she's dumping. He goes back to his soccer game (with Kate offering to set him up, and Bryan laughingly calling her a "piece of work). Kate looks forlornly after him, which has been the ending for 50 percent of this series' episodes so far. The song that was going "I miss you" at the beginning of this scene has changed into a song going, "Let go," over and over, because we haven't had that hammered into our skulls enough tonight, and Kate walks away, smiling.