We're at what looks to be the same place where Kate's friends held their wedding on the very first episode, only this time it's for a couple, Gabrielle and Andrew, who are thanking all their guests for showing up, and I guess someone gave them bathrobes, because they are wearing them, and then telling everyone not to forget about the big day, so I guess this was the wedding shower. Every wedding I've ever been to has had the gift opening AFTER the wedding, which seems to make more sense to me, especially given what's about to transpire. And Kate talks to some random woman in the crowd, mainly to establish the fact that Gabrielle's dad and Fox Daddy are old friends. The random woman explains that she worked with Gabrielle "at Calvin." In marketing. "We miss her," says Random Woman, who goes on to comment that Gabrielle's wedding party is the size of a soccer team. Kate notes that Andrew has just as many groomsmen, and then checks out one of them, played by Bradley Cooper, last seen raising the internal temperatures of Alias fans (until he was stabbed and left for dead in Sydney's apartment -- OR WAS HE?). "Cute ones, too," says Random Woman, who strolls away to pick up her SAG card.
Kate and Non-Dead Bradley Cooper keep checking each other out, until "Gabby" comes screeching up and we learn that Kate is a bridesmaid, and Gabby awkwardly lets us know that she and Kate haven't seen each other much over the past ten years or so, and they reminisce about barbecues at which their dads always burned everything and tried to pass it off as "Cajun-style," which reminds me of the time my roommates and I in university attempting to cook dinner for the girls down the street as a thank-you since they were constantly cooking for us, and my contribution was actually blackened fish, except I really didn't know how to make it so I just turned the heat up really high under the skillet and scooped on the cayenne pepper, to the unfortunate result that we all started coughing and choking and our eyes started watering, and I guess then we got used to it, but when the girls showed up, they too started coughing and choking as soon as they walked in the door, like, THANK YOU FOR SHOWING US YOUR APPRECIATION FOR US COOKING FOR YOU BY TRYING TO KILL US, GUYS, and sorry for getting off on a tangent, but it doesn't really matter, as Gabby's dialogue has been lifted directly from the "Total Cheese" section at your local Hallmark store, as she blathers on about all the memories that are a part of her and such. Then she gives a bullet list of instructions for Bridesmaid Kate: hair up, shoes dyed to match (match her hair?), discreet jewelry, no tan lines. Then she gets mock-horrified over how she sounds like a cliché, which she should know really won't be a problem on this show. Gabby then hauls down another one of her bridal party, so Kate can go back to making eyes at Non-Dead Will Tippin.
Non-Dead Will scoots over to the bar to order a vodka on the rocks, and then Kate shows up and says she hears the bartender makes a mean margarita, but Non-Dead Will says, "Too many carbs," and Kate glares at him and says, "That's insane," like, nice to meet you too, miss. Non-Dead Will explains that he has a tux to fit into, and I can relate thanks to my sister's wedding in August, only replace "tux" with "kilt." Kate, who will not be a slave to carbohydrate-counting, orders a margarita. They introduce themselves; Non-Dead Will has changed his name to Gary. They make eyes at each other.
Cut immediately to a sweaty Kate on the Stairmaster, and she seems to be really enjoying the Stairmaster, so I think we were supposed to think she and Gary hit the sack right away. Her orgasmic workout is interrupted by Gabby showing up (she and Kate belong to the same gym, but they haven't seen each other in ten years?), and Kate asks if she's getting in one last pre-bridal workout, and Gabby starts wailing that Gary called the wedding off. Kate looks way too shocked, considering how often this happens to her.
After the commercials, Gabby continues wailing about how one moment she and Andrew were talking about linens, and the moment he snapped, and moved all his stuff out. Worse yet, he sent her a letter demanding the ring back, saying he'll sue if she doesn't return it voluntarily. She carries the letter with her in her gym bag, and she digs it out to show Kate. "I quit my job to plan our dream wedding!" she screeches. Forgive me for saying so, but Gabby strikes me as the type who doesn't intend to work an hour past her wedding day anyway. And I'm a little suspicious of her pronoun choice when she says "our dream wedding," too. Anyway, Gabby seems to think that because she quit her job to plan the wedding and everything, she's entitled to the ring, because that's all she has left. Kate tells her that according to California law, if Andrew called off the wedding, he's not entitled to get his ring back. Gabby asks for Kate's help, who says "of course," and hugs her.
Jerrold Fox & Associates. Claire's decorating the office, Halloween-style, and thank god she at least waited until October, unlike the resident office decorator where I work, who's had the place decked out in webs and pumpkins and ghosts for three weeks now. As Kate and Nick show up for work, she tells them costumes are strongly "encouraged" on the 31st, and can I say that if I went to a law firm on Halloween and the associates were in costume, I'd find some place else to take my money, and Nick says that he doesn't "do" costumes, which Kate tells him is too bad because the Sunset Lounge is having a costume party, like that should be a big surprise, a bar having a costume party on Halloween; that's sure to convince Nick to dress up. He says he'll go as a lawyer, and Claire snarks that that's sure to bring in the ladies, although I think lawyers tend to do okay as far as that goes.
Kate asks her dad if he knows about Gabby and Andrew, and Fox Daddy, who's barely even on the show the last couple of episodes, says he just got off the phone with Gabby's dad, and when Kate says there's no way Andrew gets the ring back, Fox Daddy sees her defence and raises her a countersuit, since he promised Gabby's dad that Andrew would rue the day he ever broke her heart. Fox Daddy's suing for the expense Gabby and her family put into the wedding plans. Nick wanders in and wants to know if they're talking about a couple Kate set up. Kate sarcastically calls that "funny," but it was. It really, really was. Kate fills him in, and Nick wonders why, if Gabby's not marrying Andrew, she doesn't just give the ring back. All Kate can muster is "because," so let's hope she has plenty of time to prepare her arguments for court. At least Jerrold cites the fact that under the law Gabby has the right to keep the ring, and then tells the two of them that they'll be handling the case together, which means Kate can whine for a little bit about how she can handle it. And Jerrold lectures her on how the Davises are like family. "He's worth a lot of money to the firm. I don't know, I just want him to feel like he's getting first-class treatment, that's all." This, naturally, made me wonder why Fox Daddy wasn't handling the case himself, but whatever. Nick just calls himself a "first-class kind of guy," whatever that means. And they stand there for about five minutes waiting for the cue, and finally Claire pokes her head in to tell Kate that "Gary Wagner" is on line two.
Gary and Kate gossip over the phone about the breakup of the wedding, with Gary doing that weird only-on-television chair-swivel thing where he starts out with his back to the camera and then swivels around. He wants to know if he can still see Kate, even though their friends are breaking up, like, SOME LOYALTY, although I admit that if I'd met Alicia Silverstone at a friend's wedding, my friend would just have to understand if I continued to try to get with that. Gary's wondering if he needs to delete Kate from his speed dial, which she tells him not to do. The date's still on, and Kate wonders if there's a dress code. He says it's casual, so she can wear jeans, but he specifies "nice jeans, dark denim," so Kate makes this "what's the deal?" face, but I wonder why she bothered asking about the dress code if she was just going to make faces when she was told what it is. Gary promises to MapQuest her directions, and Kate hangs up so she can take a call from "Amy Jensen," whoever that is. Amy Jensen is another future victim of Kate's matchmaking "talents," apparently, as Kate gets on the line and asks if she's ready for her big date. Amy's wearing glasses, which is Hollywood shorthand for "homebody." She's begging Kate to cancel, since she has a "bad feeling" about it. Kate starts squealing that Michael's a great guy, so she'll be fine, and I guess Amy is a university professor, since Kate talks about her lecturing to hundreds of strangers every day, which Amy maintains is easier than talking to just one guy. Besides, setups are contrived, says Amy, who adds that she prefers to meet people on her own and let things evolve naturally, and thank god she didn't say "organically." Kate reminds Amy that if she were doing such a shit-hot job of meeting people, she wouldn't need Kate. And, since Amy and Michael's date isn't until eight, Amy can swing over to the Sunset Lounge, where they can do a "test run."
And the Sunset Lounge turns out to be the Only Bar, where Victoria is wearing one of her usual outfits that include a lacy bra poking out of whatever top she's wearing, one which never even bothers to pretend to try to cover her up. "Nice rack," says Victoria, reading my mind, only she's saying it to Amy, who appears quite taken aback. Kate chides Victoria, who whines that Kate told her to "be the guy," which really makes me wonder about the kind of guys Victoria normally dates, and Kate assures Amy that Michael is not "that guy." Kate orders Victoria to be a gentleman, but when Amy asks "Michael" what his favourite period of art history is (offering Renaissance, medieval and post-modern as some choices), Victoria actually bursts out laughing, and says she feels like she's on Jeopardy, like, god forbid a woman is able to talk about something other than cars and how much room there is for sex in them, Victoria. THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP. Kate tells Amy to relax and suggests such conversation-starters as "Where are you from?" and "What's your family like?" Victoria suggests Amy should wear something a little more low-cut, which is great advice from someone who pretends to hate it when guys see her as nothing more than boobs on legs. Kate thankfully smacks Victoria, but both seem to think the situation is hopeless when Amy parrots Kate by asking, "Where are you from?" and "What's your family like?"
Later, Victoria jokes about how Amy "dined and dashed: I feel so used!" Does she mean Amy actually didn't pay, or just that she took off? I don't know too many bartenders who think it's funny when customers stiff them. But Kate says she has to dash too, but not before asking if it's weird that Gary uses terms like "dark denim" and counts his carbs. "Weird as in gay?" asks Victoria, and Kate says she didn't get a "gay vibe" off Gary, although "he was unseasonably tanned." Victoria says, "Maybe he's a metrosexual," like that is an actual CONDITION or something, and Kate's all metro-whuh? And Victoria defines it as "the new man" and the "gay straight guy," and that when you date one you get the best of both worlds, since you get a guy who likes to do the things you want to do, but also wants to boink you. Essentially. I'm too busy throwing things around my apartment because of the trendy "metrosexual" labeling that doesn't show any signs of going away any time soon. "If he sticks his tongue down your throat, he's a metro," says Victoria, much to Kate's amusement.
The date is at a…cemetery? With a big movie screen playing some vampire movie? Can someone explain what's going on here? Kate and Gary join the various couples spread out on the grass with their blankets and coolers, while Gary prattles on about the famous people buried there, like Jayne Mansfield and Rudolph Valentino, who Gary says was supposedly a ladies' man but may have actually been gay, or some such, and the idea here is that Gary likes to dish. Kate asks if he brings all his dates to the cemetery, and Gary says she's the first. He jokes that he brought a cute girl to a scary movie so that she could grab him during the scary parts, and Kate contrivedly says, as Gary pulls out trays of food, that she'd have to reach across a whole buffet, and then asks where he got all this food, like, they're called GROCERY STORES, Kate, but this is just so Gary can casually say that he cooked it, and Kate's all agog and says, "Who trained you?" and let me just say that in my family my dad did the bulk of the cooking, and in my relationship I do the bulk of the cooking, so I FAIL TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS HERE, and Gary has to have this whole justification about learning to cook, which is that he took a cooking class while doing his MBA to stay sane, and Kate wants to know if he does laundry too, and Gary says just dry-cleaning, as he pours them some wine. And call me crazy, but I thought the term for a man who can prepare food and do laundry was "adult," not "metrosexual." Gary toasts Gabby and Andrew, surprising Kate, until Gary explains that if it weren't for them, he and Kate never would have met, and then Gary the Gossiping Metrosexual starts talking about Andrew and Gabby, forcing Kate to say that since she's now representing Gabby legally, she probably shouldn't talk about them. Gary promises not to bring them up again, and toasts Kate and himself instead. Glancing up at the screen, Kate wonders who the bad guy is, and Gary, putting some sort of lip cream on, says, "Probably the one with the knife." Kate looks back at him, gives him the "what is he doing?" look, then asks if that's Kiehl's, which Gary says it is. And they discover that they both love Kiehl's body lotion and shaving cream. "We have so much in common!" says Gary, before moving in to pass Victoria's Metrosexual Tongue Test.
Michael's back, this time with an unfortunate goatee, which Kate comments on as they stroll down the street together. "I'm working on something, stay tuned," he says, whatever that means. She asks how things went with Amy, and he says he liked her (pleasing Kate immensely), while qualifying it by saying that he's not sure he's attracted to her. "She asks a lot of questions," he says, but it's Kate's opinion that that says a lot about a person, and if he had fun then it's worth a second date. Michael's all "easy on the hard sell, lady," and there's this weird rapid-fire playful-banter vibe between the two of them this episode that just seems…off, somehow.
And in what has to be a first for this show, both people seem to agree that the date went well. Amy, on the phone with Kate, agrees that Michael is indeed amazing, but figures that he'll never call her again. Kate assures Amy that Michael liked her, but Amy says even though she was able to pull off an hour doing all the things Kate told her to do, she's not sure she'd be able to handle anything more than that. Kate gives her the ridiculous and useless advice that she just has to be herself, which she should really stop telling her clients, since being themselves is what turned them into the desperate, lonely dateless wonders who need Kate's help in the first place. Amy says it's hard for her to be herself around a guy she actually likes. She says she can lecture a huge class since she's organized and well prepared, but "you can't prepare for a date." "Sure you can!" chirps Kate, and tells Amy to pop by the night so they can "start prepping."
Meanwhile, Gabby's calling on her cell phone while tottering down the street, shopping bags slung over each arm. Kate asks how she's doing. "Other than my life being an utter mess?" says Gabby, like, can we hold off on the drama for two seconds, please, Gabby? Gabby tells Kate that she's gathered up all her wedding receipts, "so we can get the ball rolling." Kate's impressed that Gabby's moving so quickly. "I would be in bed for a month," says Kate, but Gabby, somewhat sensibly, says she feels bad about all the money her parents have lost, so Kate quickly assures Gabby that it's not her fault. Gabby wants to meet for lunch so she can give all the stuff to Kate; Kate says she's swamped and will send a messenger, but Gabby guilts her into agreeing by whining about how she really needs the company right now. Kate even suggests that they can order sandwiches at the office, but Gabby blathers on about how she hasn't really been able to eat since the breakup, but finally has a craving for a chopped salad.
At some restaurant, Kate's sitting by herself at a table, working her cell phone. Gabby rushes in, apologizing for being late. Kate tells her she looks great, and Gabby attributes it to her post-breakup weight loss, which she calls so much more efficient than "bride-orexia." She hands over the box of receipts, apologizing for its disorganization, but Kate says that's okay. What's not okay, though, is Gabby begging off lunch when the waiter shows up with the menus. She can't stay; in the midst of all the craziness, she forgot she signed up for a yoga class. Kate just stares at her, wrinkling her nose. Kate says, "I thought you wanted a chopped salad." Gabby's explanation? "I think yoga will help my head space." It would be funny, if Gabby weren't one of the most irritating people I have ever seen on television. "Why don't you come with?" says Gabby, and her use of the supremely aggravating "come with" phrase sends her down another level in terms of my personal dislike for her, which just keeps increasing and increasing as the scene goes on. Kate turns down the invitation to yoga, saying she has lots of work. "I remember when I had work," whines Gabby. And Gabby suggests that they get together on the weekend. Kate declines. "But I'm lonely and I'm being sued," whines Gabby. How Kate manages not to slap Gabby here is completely beyond me. Instead she just clarifies that she has plans with Gary. "Who's Gary?" says Gabby, and Kate's all, you know, Gary! The groomsman! Not surprisingly, Gabby's less than thrilled that Kate's dating one of Andrew's groomsmen: "Kate! You're my bridesmaid and my lawyer! Of all the guys you meet, do you have to go out with one of Andrew's groomsmen?" Kate's almost speechless, but recovers to stammer, "I don't have to go out with him again," which perks Gabby right up. "Oh, Kate! You're the best!" She gets up and leans in for a cheek-kiss, then says she'll see Kate on Saturday and toddles off. Kate's left to sit there, wondering where in the hell she left her backbone. Commercials.
Leave it to Victoria, at the Only Bar that night, to point out that Gabby may have been able to tell Kate what colour to dye her shoes, but she can't tell Kate who she can and can't date. "She's not even your bride anymore," says Victoria. And I find it interesting that Kate has all this work she's swamped with, but has plenty of time to volunteer at a local bar and help decorate it for Halloween. Victoria also ignores Kate's explanation that Gabby is still Kate's client, and weirdly equates the difference between personal life and professional life as the "separation between church and state." Kate's not listening, preferring to say that it's not a big deal that this friend, who she hasn't really seen in ten years and has turned into quite the vain, superficial monster, can stop Kate from seeing a guy she really likes (and Gabby must have undergone a complete personality change in the past ten years, since I don't see how she and Kate could possibly have been friends). "It's not a big deal! I've known Gary for what, a week? We only went on one date," says Kate. Victoria reminds her that it was one perfect date. Kate, ever the romantic, says things probably would have fizzled anyway, but Victoria doesn't think the kiss had "fizzle potential." Then there's more inane chatter as Kate says she's not even sure if she likes dating metrosexuals, like it's an actual ORIENTATION or something, and if there's much difference between Gary the Harvard MBA who cooks, or Bryan the therapist who cooks, or Michael the architect who buys sushi, other than the trendy buzzword labeling, I don't see it, and I'd like to know why Kate is acting like Gary belongs to a whole other species.
Kate's office, where she's spread out with papers all over the floor as she totes up Gabby's wedding expenses, and her lack of organization sure wouldn't fill me with a whole lot of confidence if I were her client. Nick's at the door. He says it looks like a bride threw up. There are papers strewn about, so the bride throwing up…I mean, I know what he's getting at. He just didn't quite get there. He tells her about the upcoming settlement conference between Andrew and Gabby; Kate sarcastically jokes that maybe Andrew's come to his senses. Nick wonders what the total is up to: $84,000 and change. The mind boggles. Can I also point out that Kate is totaling everything up on the same old paper-roll calculator that her dad took so much guff for recently? ["Also, doesn't this firm have a paralegal that does this stuff?" -- Sars] Claire buzzes to let Kate know that Gary's on the line, and Nick has this odd almost-jealous reaction as he slinks out of the room.
Kate psyches herself up, then picks up the phone. It's Gary. He's thinking tapas. Kate's thinking, just friends. She lays out the whole inappropriateness of this, what with Gabby being an old family friend and her client. Gary wonders if Gabby told Kate not to see him. Kate doesn't answer that, but suggests that maybe six months from now, after everything has shaken down, they might be able to give it a shot. Gary pleads his case, saying that he promised not to talk about Andrew and Gabby, and he hasn't, and that their seeing each other has nothing to do with the couple splitting up. He asks her how often she meets someone she really likes and connects with, since it doesn't happen all that often for him, and why she'd throw it away because Gabby asked her to. Kate says it's because she feels uncomfortable about it. Liar. Liar! "I guess you've already made up your mind," says Gary. Kate says she has, and apologizes. Gary tells her not to lose his number. "You take care," she says. In my college days, "take care" was a term in my house synonymous with dumping someone, as in, "Things aren't working out with Heather. I'm going to have to tell her to take care," so when Kate said that, I reflexively thought, "Oooh, she's cold."
Kate's house, where she and Victoria are going through possible outfits for Amy. Victoria's got some open-backed top, which she suggests Amy try "with a little lacy bra showing," and why do I assume that all of Victoria's suggestions have included "with a little lacy bra showing"? And Kate says they want Amy to look sexy, not like "a Hollywood ho," which is totally a slam on Victoria, if you think about it. Amy insists she knows how to dress herself; it's what she needs to do once she's out of the house that's the problem. Hey, know what I like to do to break the ice? says Kate. "Drink a lot?" says Victoria. Heh, but there she goes again, revealing a little bit more about herself. Kate's suggestion is hiking, which I have to admit would be fun. Kate knows a great hike that ends with a great view of the city, and you get to spend "real time" with each other, outdoors. Victoria, however, laments being "sober and sweaty" and the "harsh overhead lighting," but for Amy the bonus is being too winded to carry on a conversation. Victoria's annoyed that they'll have to completely reconsider the wardrobe, as though Kate and Amy were paying her any mind whatsoever. Kate suggests bringing oranges as a snack for the trip, because -- and this is news to me -- men hate peeling oranges, so Amy will have to do it for him, which will be kind of sweet. I can't recall ever having much of a problem peeling an orange in my life. They're not coconuts, for God's sake. Amy wonders if it isn't a little phony to do stuff for Michael that she wouldn't normally do, and Victoria and Kate clue her in to the fact that everybody acts a little bit in the beginning of a relationship, but Kate adds that ultimately Amy has to be herself. Or some damn thing. She's loading Amy up with hiking gear, and Amy can't believe Kate's taking all this time to help her, and all I can say is that if I paid somebody a thousand bucks for this, I'd want my money back. Kate tells Amy that Michael's favourite book is The Fountainhead, which doesn't send Amy screaming for the hills only because she hasn't read it, I guess. Not that it matters to Victoria, who says it's only important to look good and smell good, and when Amy admits that she never thinks to wear perfume, so Kate runs off to get some oil/Amazon rainwater/jojoba/ylang ylang stuff. Gary would probably know. But still, perfume? They're going hiking.
And here they are hiking, Michael with his weird-ass little goatee, and yes, even while hiking, Victoria has managed to get Amy to show a little lacy bra, and she looks quite cute. And thankfully Michael isn't moaning about how fat and out of shape he is. Instead, they're talking about past relationships; it's been a while for either of them, with Amy saying she actually spends a lot of time with "hot, Greek men," who admittedly are marble statues. "But you know what they say, a hard man is good to find," and lest Michael think he's going to score on their second date, she out-loud announces that she's just going to stop talking now, which is probably a wise move. But after they both acknowledge the beautiful view of L.A., she starts babbling on about how she met her last boyfriend while she was studying in Florence; she didn't speak a word of Italian, and he didn't speak a word of English. "So how did you communicate?" asks Michael. "We used our hands," says Amy, and they both laugh, Michael no doubt thinking how great it is that she can't stop referring to sex. She offers him an orange, and he takes it, and is of course COMPLETELY BAFFLED BY THE ORANGE, and he looked like one of those inept morons used on infomercials to demonstrate the complete inferiority of, say, a completely functional can opener, leading you to want to purchase the $150 version. And before Michael pops a blood vessel while pondering how best to approach the orange, Amy snatches it back so she can peel it for him. Which makes him feel all special and goopy.
Kate's doorbell rings. It's Gabby, with an armload of wedding stuff, which she wanted to get out of her house, as she felt like it was sitting there "mocking" her. I feel a strange kinship with her wedding stuff. "I know that sounds crazy," she says, but Kate cuts her off with a "no, it doesn't," even though she's making her Discombobulated Kate Face, and Gabby goes on about how she figured it was "evidence," and her Exhibit A is the wedding shower video. Kate promises to hang on to it, but Gabby insists they watch it, so you know the fun times are just around the corner.
We have the pleasure of Gabby and Andrew putting on those stupid bathrobes again. Gabby's transfixed. Kate, not so much. She suggests that maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but Gabby insists it's "healing," and then starts making fun of Andrew in his stupid bathrobe. "What a dork! I was going to marry that!" she says, then starts to cry. "I was going to marry that," she says. Kate would like to console Gabby, but then there's Gary on the screen talking about the happy couple. And Gabby starts whining about how she's never going to get to wear her wedding dress, and Kate halfheartedly blah blahs about how she'll meet the right guy eventually and she can wear the wedding dress then. "But I'm at my wedding weight now," says Gabby, becoming amazingly less sympathetic by the second. Then she gets the bright idea to try the wedding dress on, and scoots off, while Kate watches Bradley Cooper improvise some inane wedding toast on the video. Kate beams like she's just been given a lobotomy.
Up overlooking L.A., Amy and Michael are having a very nice date. They're even talking about architecture, Michael going on about his dream home and his favourite architect, a Mexican guy whose "whole thing is to make serenity a guest in the home," whatever that means. He successfully guesses that Amy's a fan of classical, and she says there's a reason why it's survived for thousands of years, and starts going on about modern architecture constantly borrowing and building on other styles so you just wind up with a "mediocrity of the masses," and Michael twigs and recognizes that line from The Fountainhead, which he says is "totally" his "favourite book ever," and Amy's all, "I loved it too," and it sounds like maybe she actually did, and I'm wondering if she actually read it, since I'm sure the Cliff's Notes version could have told her that the book has "so much to say about creativity and expression." They gaze at each other. Michael says she smells nice.
Gabby's got on her wedding dress. I can't take this. Kate does the requisite "you look beautiful" thing, and Gabby starts whining about what she's going to do with it. Kate's suggestions -- donating it to charity or selling it at a consignment shop -- are dismissed by Gabby, since she insists that no one else will wear it. "Oh! Let's burn it!" she squeals. "What?" says Kate, who has stopped hiding her "you crazy" expression.
Gabby, in her underwear, is poking at the burning dress in the fireplace, nattering on about how they told her at yoga to get rid of the sources of negativity in her life. Ohmigod! She feels sooo much better! She hugs Kate, then tells her she should get home and start "journaling." Kate seems actually happy that Gabby's happy, although I'm guessing it's actually because Gabby's leaving. It's now dark outside, although it was a bright sunny day when Gabby arrived. Gabby puts on her coat and toodles off, while Kate chuckles and puts away the fire poker. After grimacing at all the wedding crap all over the place, she spots Gabby's veil, which somehow managed to survive the great bridal burn-off, and she tries it on before the doorbell snaps her out of it. She's groaning as she heads to the door, assuming it's Gabby again, whereas everybody watching knows it's going to be Gary, who you'd think might have bumped into Gabby on her way out but anyway, and he's going on about how he can't wait for six months for the Gabby/Andrew thing to be resolved, and Kate beams and kisses him and he comes inside. Commercials.
I suspect that I have to recap this scene very, very closely, because, judging from some of the posts on the boards, many of you paid no attention whatsoever, because Bradley Cooper is in Kate's kitchen, cooking frittatas, shirtless. And Kate comes in and calls him amazing and all that, since he went out to buy food (tofu and salsa). And their happy little morning-after breakfast is interrupted by a phone call from Michael, who's raving at how amazing Kate is for picking such a great woman for him to date. Should we remind Michael that it took her a few tries to get it right? Does anybody remember this scene, or are you just watching shirtless Bradley Cooper feed Kate frittatas with his fingers? Michael hears Gary's voice and starts wondering if Kate had a sleepover, but Kate, all giggly, refuses to discuss it and only lets Michael know she's not back with "the boyfriend." She says she'll see Michael at the Halloween party, and he corrects her: "You'll see us there." After hanging up, she asks Gary to come to the Halloween party with her, and he gets all excited about picking out costumes. Kate says she has a great cat costume; Gary's seen it already, since there's a picture on the fridge. He won't let her "do over" a costume, though, since "Halloween is the new Christmas," whatever that's supposed to mean. After rejecting Tom and Jerry, they settle on Sonny and Cher, like, come back to the year 2003, Gary. Kate protests that she's too busy, so he says he'll do everything. Then she contrivedly complains that she's too pale to be Cher in her "Sonny period." Commercials.
So I guess there's this tanning salon called Mystic Tan, and -- oh, wait. The commercials haven't actually started. Mystic Tan is just getting a little plug on the show. Then they start making out.
Law firm, with Andrew's lawyer dumping off the personalized wedding baseball caps that he says Gabby can have back, since they are unreturnable. He also has a fax from the bridal shop promising to buy back the dress for sixty percent of the price. "My client isn't prepared to do that," says Kate, although I have to think that if Gabby got sixty percent for the pile of smouldering ashes in Kate's fireplace, she's doing all right. "Well, my client is no longer financially responsible," says Andrew's lawyer. And Nick's all, "He's right," like, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP, NICK, and Andrew's lawyer continues to say that Andrew has "made good" with the rest of the vendors, so the countersuit is moot. Andrew just wants the ring back, y'all. Kate says, "Aside from the fact it's legally hers, my client was too emotional to make it here today because of all this. That ring has sentimental value for her." And who knew "too emotional" was synonymous with "too much of a dingbat"? Andrew's more than a little exasperated, saying it wasn't even the ring he proposed to Gabby with. In what's obviously a complete surprise to Nick and Kate (but not to Gabby's dad, who's there), Andrew says the ring he proposed with cost $4,300, and Gabby made him exchange it for a ring that cost $18,000. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. I'd like to find the jewelry store that made that trade. Gabby's dad interjects that she was supposed to wear the ring for the rest of her life, which I have to say is really here nor there. Nick this time doesn't concede anything to the other team, just calls it Andrew's poor judgment, which I think we can all agree is the case in regards to more than just buying a more expensive ring.
In the break room, Kate starts whining about the ring thing to her dad, who isn't all that surprised, saying Gabby's always been spoiled. Whatever she wants, she gets. "That BMW, that fancy summer camp," he says. Kate's all, um, I went to that camp too. Then Fox Daddy gives this hilarious lecture about how it's every parent's instinct to look out for their kids, but sometimes you have to let them sink or swim, and he doesn't think Lou ever let Gabby sink. He says this all to the daughter he gave a cushy job to. "I feel badly for her," he says, and "feel badly" is right up there with people saying "for all intensive purposes" for me, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking to you. Kate says he only feels bad because he hasn't had to spend a whole day with her, because oh, that's right, Kate can't stand her old friend.
Gary and Kate actually go to Mystic Tan to shoot a commercial for the place.
Afterwards, Kate bumps into Gabby, who also happens to be shooting a commercial for Mystic Tan. And perhaps one of the more annoying aspects of this is the way people keep using "Mystic" as a verb. Kate's surprised to see Gabby, since she thought Gabby was too upset to get out of bed, and I can't believe Kate actually believed that. Gabby says she decided to do something just for her, which would certainly be a change of pace for her. I hope the soup kitchens and the leper colonies were able to make it through the day without her. Gabby asks if Andrew asked about her at the settlement hearing, and Kate's all, not exactly, meaning no. Then Gary comes out from shooting his own commercial. Gabby's a little less than pleased. Kate tries to pretend she and Gary are just friends, and once Gabby starts to go ballistic, it's Gary who has to tell Gabby to step off. Gabby tells him to shut up, then lays into Kate for lying to her, says Kate was last on her list of bridesmaids, and says Kate is ungrateful for Gabby also choosing her as her lawyer. Kate, finally giving in to the fact that Gabby is the most awful, selfish person EVER, says her personal life is her own. "Well, then. Good luck with that! You'll need it!" which is a slam at Gary, I guess. She stomps off. Actual commercials.
Why would a commercial for hair colour tout how "true to life" the product's colour is? Don't people dye their hair because they don't want truth?
My hair was purple once.
Gary and Kate go for dinner, where Kate does pretty much nothing but slag her former friend and current client, to the best friend of the guy with legal action against her client. This can't go anywhere good. Kate uses words like "Bridezilla" and says she doesn't feel like Gabby's lawyer so much as she feels like Gabby's personal assistant. Like any good metrosexual boyfriend, Gary is completely supportive of Kate, telling her she's done nothing wrong; then he whips out the Sonny and Cher costumes. He says he was going to go for late '60s Sonny and Cher, but that wouldn't have been as glamourous as early '70s Sonny and Cher, and I'm really starting to wish he'd stayed dead on Alias. He plops a wig on himself that looks remarkably like a bird's nest, then says, "I got you, babe!" So using Aaron's formula for calculating an episode's grade based on how long it takes for the title to crop up, this would be a…carry the two…B-minus. Wait, I forgot to factor in the fact that Gabby is proof that hell exists. F.
Showing up at court the morning, Kate figures it's a good time to call Amy on her cell phone and chat about Halloween costumes, what with her trial coming up in two minutes. Amy's unsure about what to be, and says she's thinking about going as Mona Lisa. Kate's all, the painting? Beautiful. But Mona Lisa herself? Not so hot. And "Halloween's a free pass to look like a sexpot." And after rejecting Amy's second suggestion of going as Venus de Milo (yes, we get it, classical), she tells Amy about the cat costume she has and tells Amy where her spare house key is so she can go retrieve it herself. And coming down the steps to meet Kate is Gabby, who tells Kate she "better not screw this up." Kate's all, I know what I'm doing, but you better lose the attitude when you're on the stand. "Oh, don't worry about me," says Gabby, and walks away, giving Kate a chance to roll her eyes, which she's done relatively infrequently this episode, I have to say.
Gabby's on the stand, tearfully talking about how the ring is all she has left of the "us" she one knew, "the wedding that wasn't." Kate asks her if she wants to keep the ring because she still loves Andrew. Gabby says yes, and starts going on about how she didn't propose, he did; she didn't buy the ring, he did. And her voice keeps going up and she gets a little more hysterical with each sentence so Kate quickly cuts her off.
Andrew's on the stand now, talking in a fully justified "you would not be-lieve the shit she put me through" tone of voice, as he recounts how the wedding linens came in, and they were mint green, not moss. "But she just went berserk. Over napkins!" Gabby gives him the evil eye, only you just know she's thinking, "But they were MINT!" Andrew says at that moment he just saw a whole life ahead of him of putting up with this, and he had to get out. And Kate's all, so you CHOSE to end the marriage, and you broke it off because of NAPKINS, and you broke it off because Gabby was stressed out in the days LEADING UP TO HER WEDDING. She asks him if he isn't in fact afraid of commitment, and he denies that. "After we got engaged, she became someone else," he says, and Kate methodically picks him apart on the stand, making it look like he broke it off on a whim. "If you knew this woman, you'd understand," he says. "If any of you knew her, you'd get it!" he yells at the courtroom. Hee! Kate does a pretty good job of not letting on that she knows exactly what Andrew means. She has no further questions. She sits down, fairly pleased with herself, when Andrew's lawyer calls Gary Wagner to the stand as a "corroborating witness," and the doors open and Gary strides in like people always do when they're called as witnesses on television, and Gabby and the Jerrold Fox Superstars look discomfited. "Who is this? And why is everybody so tan?" asks Nick, and commercial for Mystic Tan or not, that was pretty funny. Kate objects, since they had no idea Gary was going to testify, and Andrew's lawyer's all, rebuttal witness, Your Honour, and the judge is all, I'll allow it.
Gary's sworn in, and Andrew's lawyer asks him if he's seen events that forced Andrew to break off the engagement. Gary's all, oh yeah. "Care to embellish?" asks the lawyer. "Care to EMBELLISH," he says. Miss Match writers, send me a receipt, and I will pay for your dictionary, I promise. So Gary outlines Gabby's transformation into the foul Bridezilla -- he explains that's what Gabby's friends call her behind her back, which is successfully objected to by Kate as hearsay, even though Kate is also making it rather obvious to Nick and Gabby that Gary's getting most of his ammo from her. Since he's not allowed the hearsay, Gary does say it's his opinion that Gabby is overbearing and opinionated, and that you can't say no to her, which is why Andrew bought the $18,000 ring and why he proposed in the first place. "I know for a fact that some of her bridesmaids couldn't say no to her either. That's why they were her bridesmaids, that's why they bought a $400 dress and dye to match shoes. You cannot say no to this woman." Kate FINALLY objects to this as well, and Andrew's lawyer withdraws that. Nick leans over to Kate. "You're dating the star witness?" Kate only makes things worse by declining to cross-examine Gary. I mean, it would be hard for her to pick apart what he said, since she was the one who told him all that, but request a recess and try to figure something out! Gabby's dad certainly looks less than impressed. Likewise, he and Gabby are rather upset when the judge comes back and finds in favour of Andrew. Justice is done! The judge orders Gabby to turn the ring over forthwith. And Gabby's dad even tries to give her a hug, and she shoves him away before taking the ring off and stomping out of the courtroom. I take back what I said about justice being done. The only way that will happen is if Gabby gets hit by a bus immediately after leaving the courtroom. Andrew and Gary hug; it's a real hug, not the straight-guy stiff-arm back-slap hug. I guess they're both metrosexuals. Kate looks rather unhappy, and her mood doesn't improve when Nick says, "Well, your dad won't be angry at all. 'Bridezilla.' Very apt." Gary even tries to smile at her in the courtroom, but Kate isn't having it.
Outside, Kate gets an earful, naturally, from Gabby, who calls her a "lousy liar," a "lousy lawyer," and an even worse friend, and lays into Kate for giving everything up for a guy, which is pretty hilarious coming from Gabby. Also hilarious coming from Gabby is the assertion that Kate's only practicing law because her dad gave her a job. Gabby's dad is all, hey, that reminds me! I hope pop's malpractice insurance is paid up! The cherry on top is Gabby screeching, "And I can't believe you let me burn my wedding dress!" before peeling on out of there. Kate then gets to enjoy watching Gary and Andrew horsing around outside like two boys getting out of school on a Friday afternoon, not noticing Kate giving them the hairy eyeball.
It's hard to believe Gabby got less than she expected from a law firm where the receptionist is dressed up in a dominatrix outfit and whipping a dummy, but there you have it. And as Kate stomps by, Claire takes time out from her play-acting to guess that Kate's dressed as Malibu Barbie.
Kate seeks out her dad, and starts off with, "If you want my resignation letter," but he cuts her off with, "I don't." Kate says they mentioned malpractice. "Believe me, I heard." He says there's no malpractice; Kate just "trusted the wrong guy," so the law firm will waive the legal fees and the Davises will leave them alone. Kate says she's sorry. "You should be," says Fox Daddy, which will be pretty much the extent of the trouble Kate's in, other than Jerrold telling her that she has to learn to separate her personal life from her professional life (isn't he the one who dates his clients and calls it "personal service"?). Kate wonders if she's screwed up her dad's business relationship with Gabby's dad, and Jerrold says he'll take his relationship with his daughter over a business relationship "any day of the week." So, "yes," then. Jerrold does tell her not to do it again, and Kate says she won't, which is great, because I've already lost count of how many cases she's fucked up so far in this series.
Kate is telling Victoria by phone that she's not feeling up to the Halloween party that night, what with Gary betraying her after he boinked her and everything. Victoria tells her not to let a guy ruin a "national holiday" for her, so I guess Halloween is a holiday in the U.S. now.
At the Sunset Lounge, Victoria's letting her boobs hang out of this bikini thing, so I guess she decided not to dress up. She spots the sexy cat (from behind) and says hello to Kate, but it turns out to be Amy as the sexy cat, with her date Michael, dressed as a pirate. And Kate shows up in her Cher costume and she mentions the "national holiday" thing again, which was really annoying. They compliment each other's costumes, and Michael asks Kate where her "male counterpart" is. Kate's about to say, "Hopefully rotting in hell," but Victoria jumps in with, "If I'm not mistaken, he just walked in the door."
Sure enough, there he is, all Sonny Bono'd out. Kate tries to run and hide with Victoria, who just tells her to "deal with it." Smarmy Gary says, "I figure if Sonny can forgive Cher…" and maybe if he wants forgiveness, he could try apologizing instead of laughing about it and saying that he knows today was "a little weird." Kate's all, "a little weird"? You betrayed me and used information I gave you in confidence! "Kate, I'm really sorry, but he's my best friend," says Gary, which made me think of Joe Pesci telling Sharon Stone, "Don't be such a fucking smart-ass, will ya? I mean, I've known the fucking guy thirty-five years and I'm gonna fucking whack him for you?" Anyway, they argue a little bit, with Gary making the not-invalid point that Andrew deserved to win, but Kate won't forgive him, not even when he says she looks amazing as Cher. Oh, wait, Cher. From Clueless. I only just picked up on that. Anyway, Kate says, "I'm sorry, Gary. Cher's on her solo tour." I SWEAR TO GOD SHE SAID THAT.
For a little levity, Nick shows up, wearing a tux with a red and white cummerbund, as well as a baseball cap. When Kate can't figure out who he's supposed to be, he says he's a wedding guest to "the wedding that wasn't." Thanks so much for reminding Kate about it, Nick! Although she does laugh, and doesn't even want to know why he's blowing bubbles as well. "Rough one today, huh? I was beginning to think you were a little too perfect," he says, although he can't be basing that on any of the episodes we've seen. And this quasi-touching moment is interrupted when Nick flags down someone dressed as Daisy Duke and goes off to fulfill one of my boyhood fantasies. Victoria swings into action with a hug and a COMPLIMENT FOR KATE'S STUPID TAN. Kate starts whining about how she didn't get the best of both worlds by dating "a metro." In fact, she got the worst: "He gossiped like a girl, and rationalized it like a guy." Since Kate doesn't already feel bad or not, Victoria points out Amy and Michael enjoying another successful "Kate Date." Kate's all, that's the general idea, but Victoria says it's more than that, pointing out the Kate fantasy date, the Kate outfit, the Kate smell, and now the Kate cat. "Part of the job," says Kate. "Michael's not dating Amy. He's dating you," says Victoria, and they watch Amy and Michael kiss. "And he really likes you," she adds, while "I Got You, Babe" plays.