The palm trees and California sun greet us as Kate, Michael, and Victoria rollerblade down the boardwalk. Kate pleads for them to take a break, which Michael agrees to because he can't have his matchmaker collapse on him while he's still single. So he's rollerblading on the California beach with two beautiful women and he's still worried about getting fixed up? Maybe not, as he starts sucking up to Victoria. "You were flying," he says, and she breezily talks about how she qualified for the semi-pro circuit but decided not to, because the traveling would have been too much, whatever any of that was supposed to mean. Was she kidding? Listening to her speech a couple of times, she just sort of trails off, and it sounded kind of improvised or something. Besides which, there's a "semi-pro circuit" of rollerblading? This weird little piece of information is quickly forgotten, though, as Michael starts talking about how the last girl he dated ("FYI," he tells Kate) was "a bit of a couch potato," and that it unfortunately rubbed off on him. And then he says, "Obviously." Michael? You are not fat. And then Kate makes it worse by saying, "You're not the one in need of oxygen." Kate? You aren't fat either. But for the sake of the wacky upcoming segment, I guess they need to bemoan their gross, disgusting, bloated blimp-bodies so that Victoria can invite them to her "boot camp," which will whip their asses back into shape, and proceeds to demonstrate what a tough little soldier she is by showing off her bicep. They make their way to a patio, and Michael rolls off to buy drinks while Kate wobbles over to a table with Victoria.
Victoria wonders if Michael gets a refund if he finds someone on his own, and Kate giggles and says she supposes he does. But her moment of hilarity is soon stopped cold when she spies a woman stretching in the sand behind Victoria, and she quickly and quietly gets Victoria to switch spots with her. Victoria wonders what's going on, so Kate whispers about the woman, who is a high school classmate best left forgotten. Unfortunately, the classmate has already spotted "Katie?" and makes her way over. This would be Charisma Carpenter, of Buffy and Angel fame, two shows I've never watched, but please don't email me telling me that I really should because I am not interested. At least I wasn't until I met miss Carpenter here. She's rather cute. And not just because of the large breasts straining under her top. I'm told those are due to her new child. Lucky bastard. Regardless, Charisma's a yummy mummy if I've ever seen one. She (needlessly) reminds Kate that she's Serena Lockner, and the two of them hug, and Serena starts babbling on about how she was recently thinking about Kate because she was "randomly in nostalgia mode" and had a "vivid flashback" to the two of them dancing across the stage together in their "flower drum song kimonos." Kate's all phony laughter and "oh my god!"s. She introduces Victoria and Serena, then gives Serena the quick rundown of what she's been up to since high school: college, law school, job. Serena asks her if she likes it, and when Kate says she does, Serena burbles that it's wonderful to love what you do, and informs us she's a "lit agent" at William Morris. "Such a blast!" Victoria spills the beans that Kate's also a matchmaker, which earns her a "shut up!" from Kate. Serena just says that this makes sense, since Kate was voted Biggest Flirt in twelfth grade. Kate argues that Serena took home that title. Serena disputes this, and says, "You always had the best taste in boys." Kate stops fake-laughing at this point. Serena toddles off, just before Michael comes rolling back. "Who was that?" he asks, and Kate says, "Nobody," and makes faces at Victoria to take us into the opening credits. Without the explanation as to why Serena (who comes off as quite sweet in the opening scene) is supposedly best left forgotten, Kate looks like a bit of a bitch here.
The beach again. Serene, peaceful waves cresting and breaking. Then an extremely loud woman starts blowing a whistle and yelling. I guess this is boot camp, but it's not actually boot camp, just some trendy exercise fad where you do army type stuff, like Victoria and Kate do here -- running obstacle courses, running while carrying mannequins on their backs, that kind of thing. If this is boot camp, apparently the U.S. is best defended by the clothes clerks of J.C. Penney. And apparently it's not so rigorous that the two of them can't have a conversation at the same time. And maybe Kate went not so much so she could get some exercise but so she could scope out some potential dates for Michael. She spies one, calling her "cute" (she is), and Victoria says she's nice, too (gave Victoria a PowerBar once! BFF!).
So it's while they're doing the running-with-mannequins thing that Kate decides to chat up the cute girl, who says that work keeps her so busy that the early morning boot camp is the only time she has to herself (which most people who aren't named Kate Fox might take as a cue to zip it). So no social life? No social life. How funny, says Kate, that she was just having this same conversation with her totally great architect friend! "You should meet him!" squeals Kate. Cute Chick says she has no time, not even after Victoria vouches for Michael's total 100-percent amazingness, but after another woman expresses interest in meeting Michael, Cute Chick says she might have a free night coming up.
Kate arrives at work, looking stiff all over, as she's talking up Cute Chick to Michael over the phone. Cute Chick does some kind of banking, and she "seems very intelligent." Oh, sweet. She's totally sentient! After Michael agrees to meet the banker, Kate moans and groans her way into the office, where Claire is absolutely open-mouthed stunned at the pain Kate's in. Kate explains that she "failed boot camp," and Claire tells Kate she needs a doctor. Huh? She's sore after a morning of intense physical exercise. A doctor? Oh, she doesn't mean a real doctor anyway. She means a chiropractor. And don't any chiropractor fans bitch at me, either. They are not the same thing. When someone needs a doctor, that means someone with a medical degree. A doctor of chiropractic is not the same thing. If you're having trouble with a term paper, does anyone ever say, "Oh, you need a doctor. I know a great university professor, he'll take care of it for you"? Anyway, Claire insists on making this appointment, because the guy has "magic fingers." Yep, magic fingers versus medical school. Tough call!
I suppose you can be a divorce lawyer and still try to retain your principles. But I think that, as a divorce lawyer, you're going to be dealing with clients who have displayed less than saintly qualities. Which is why Kate's so insufferable in this scene, in which the firm's client is being sued for divorce by his wife because he slept with another woman -- the nanny. "So you had sex with the nanny -- the caretaker of your children?" says Kate, as judgmental as the Church Lady. "You gotta see this nanny," says the client by way of defense (and more to Jerrold than to Kate). Similarly, when the man claims the nanny was all over him, Kate's less than professional by sarcastically calling that a "compelling defense." Kate? You're a divorce lawyer. Get over it, or do something else for a living. Anyway, the pre-nup he and his wife signed is invalidated, thanks to its adultery clause, says Kate: "Meaning, your wife gets half of everything." The client insists he didn't mean to cheat, and Kate glares at her dad after Jerrold makes some sympathetic comments. Further, Jerrold points out that the adultery clause works both ways, so they're "back in business" if they can establish that his wife cheated as well. Good luck, says the client; my wife barely leaves the house, so unless she "[went] to town on one of her mah-jongg girlfriends," they're out of luck. Okay, so this guy's a pig. Kate still needs to suck it up. And I know we're supposed to think she's a romantic and everything, but I think I side with her dad here, who tells her after the meeting not to judge the clients, because she'll "sleep better." Besides, Bob Donovan is the "Mini-Mart king of the valley," don't you know. Hell, Jerrold Fox even gives the client the benefit of the doubt, saying that maybe the nanny really was all over him. "Yeah, I could hardly keep my hands off him myself," says Kate, and maybe someone can explain to me why she's the protagonist of the show again? And when Serena shows up at the office to talk to Kate, Kate lies and says her schedule's full. Bad enough that she has to lie, but there really isn't any reason to draw her officemates into her deception. Did she have to nod knowingly at Claire? Claire just screws her over and says she doesn't have anything down for her. So who does Kate turn to? Nick, saying she's supposed to help Nick with some document review. Nick, of course, says he doesn't need any help. Kate makes it exceedingly obvious that she's lying as she repeats her offer to help -- "Don't be such a martyr, Nick!" -- that there's no way Serena couldn't have known she was getting the brush-off. But Nick leaves her high and dry, leaving Kate no choice but to -- gasp -- talk to Serena.
In Kate's office, Serena calls Kate "Katie" again, so Kate corrects her. It's just Kate now, Serena. "Love it!" burbles Serena. She explains that she just got off a "two-year hell-ride with a complete narcissist," which Serena qualifies as summing up pretty much every man she's falling into bed with whenever. That "two-year hell-ride" bit sounds like it might be a reference to Angel or something, but, again, I wouldn't know. She calls working in Hollywood "relationship suicide." Maybe Serena's finally starting to clue in that Kate's not all that comfortable -- perhaps it's because Kate hasn't stopped making faces and rolling her eyes since Serena walked in the door -- so she apologizes for the bratty teenager she was in high school. She says she's got her priorities straight and that she's just looking for a "real guy" -- she just doesn't know how to find him. Kate thinks it over. Hopeless romantic? Nah. "It's a thousand dollars," says Kate. Filthy lucre. Serena's ready to write her a cheque.
Later, at the Only Bar (I know someone suggested the L'on(e)ly Bar, but I'm not writing that whole thing out every time, with the apostrophe and the parentheses. Screw that), Alicia is whining about Serena showing up at her door, since Serena never had any trouble getting anything she wanted. "Remember my spring dance story?" she asks Victoria, who doesn't really, since her eyes tend to glaze over whenever Kate gets all high school nostalgic. It's great that, now that we've been warned that Kate's high school reveries cause eye-glazing, we get her reminiscing about high school. Specifically, the tenth grade spring dance, to which she'd been invited a month in advance by the divine David Hillman. Since it was a "snowball," that meant they all kept changing dance partners, or some such (I have no idea what she's talking about, neither do I think it really matters much one way or the other -- and neither does Victoria, who never "snowballed" in Tucson). And when the song ended, she couldn't find David, who, it turned out, was behind the gym, making out with Serena Lockner. Turns out Victoria does remember this story, since she remembers that Kate walked home and never spoke to him again. Good thing it's not still bothering Kate, who wants to set Serena up with somebody horrible. Then she wonders if that's the right thing to do, considering that she seems nicer now, and people do change. Maybe she should be wondering if that's the right thing to do considering SHE TOOK A THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM THE POOR WOMAN. She decides to help her out, figuring that maybe helping Serena find the man of her dreams could be strangely satisfying. Victoria calls that mature, but masochistic. So's a prostate exam. Hi-yo!
The day, Kate's risking the lives of many other drivers and pedestrians as she gabs on her cell phone while driving, talking to Serena to let her know she has a guy in mind, who's very giving and outside the Hollywood scene. Serena (who's at work, wearing one of those headset phones) likes the sound of that. But Kate has to know how Serena feels about animals. Oh, Serena loves animals! She loves them so much, she doesn't even ask why Kate's asking that! Kate says she'll call her back, then calls her vet friend Dr. Cooper, who's busy putting one of those hilarious collars around the neck of a big hound dog so he won't lick his stitches. No problem that he's right in the middle of work, though; he'll take a few moments to respond to Kate's inquiries about whether he's back on the market. He says he is, since that's probably the best way to shake the "recurring nightmares" of his ex-wife, like, what exactly did the woman do? Anyway, Kate's got a "great girl" for him to meet, and she doesn't even tell him what a babe Serena is.
Over at "Dr." Dean Delane's office, Kate's sitting there on the massage table, swinging her legs like a five-year-old sitting in an adult's chair. "Dr." Dean comes in and says hello, and when she calls him "doctor," he tells her to call him "Dr. Dean." He's had his face buried in her chart this whole time, and when he finally looks up, they make goo-goo eyes at each other, like, so much for Michael Mendelsohn, I guess. They chit-chat about Kate knowing Claire, who "Dr." Dean calls a nice woman with a "beautiful spine." For he's a chiropractor, you see. He sees beauty in places the rest of us don't. He stands behind Kate and really freaks her out when he starts lowering the massage table. He feels her head and starts rubbing her shoulders, asking her if that's where it hurts, and if the pain is shooting or throbbing, and the answers are "yes" and "a little of both," and he asks how she knows Claire, and Kate is in the middle of saying that they work together when he twists her neck to the right, accompanied by a really loud cracking noise. She screeches, and then asks if that's what's supposed to happen, and he says it is, and then proceeds to do the same thing to the light, which sets Kate laughing. Then tango music starts up, for Christ's sake, as "Dr." Dean proceeds to manhandle Kate all over the massage table while she moans and giggles and squeals. After a good thirty seconds of this, Kate stretches out on the table, eyes closed, smile on her face. "Cigarette? Just kidding," like, unprofessional much? Kate says, "That was mind-blowing," and asks if she can just nap right there, and the "Dr." says it wouldn't be the first time. Then he says, "You seem amazing," whatever that means, and wonders if maybe they could have dinner sometime, like, UNPROFESSIONAL MUCH? Kate looks half-pleased and half-concerned.
Outside, walking around with Victoria and eating ice cream cones, Kate is raving about how much better she feels after "Dr." Dean took control of her body with those "massive hands of his" and she just had to lie there and be submissive, like, we're certainly learning a lot about Kate's preferences, if you ask me. Victoria wonders if Kate got his number. Kate's all, nope! He got mine! Then she wonders if it's against the rules for him to ask her out, which is what I was thinking, at least until Victoria reminded me that it's not like he's actually a doctor (Kate thinks pointing that out is "rude"). Victoria also points out that if things with "Dr." Dean don't work out, she can always bank him for her Miss Lonely Heart. And then Kate rationalizes it anyway, pointing out that she wasn't in "matchmaker mode" when she found him, and he hit on her. "Don't I deserve to keep him for myself?" Victoria says she thinks she's supposed to say yes to this, which Kate confirms. So she does, and they both scoot off stage right. Commercials.
Oh, great. It's the severely irritating Ramon, with his report on "the nanny-banger's wife." I guess we're supposed to be impressed by the extensive research he's done on her, including finding out her zodiac sign (Sagittarius). Ramon has been following Ellen Donovan, and he rattles off a list of her trips and appointments; there's nothing untoward, just dropping off dry-cleaning and the like. Jerrold wants to know if the nanny had anything to say. Ramon tracked her down at the gym, but he starts drooling, so it was kind of tough to make out what he said, but it was something like, "You have got to see this nanny." Jerrold, a little too eagerly, says that they do need to interview her, and Kate says they'll be doing that Thursday, and she's doing a good job of not being too grossed out as her dad pops a boner at the prospect of checking out the hot nanny.
Serena and Dr. Cooper (the vet) are having lunch, I guess, at the Only Bar, and they seem to be hitting it off well. Serena's telling a story about the chocolate lab named Winnie she had when she was a little girl, and the day they had to put Winnie down was the saddest day of her life. Dr. Cooper's quite sympathetic, as he's had a few of those days himself. All's going swimmingly until the water boy tries to fill Serena's water glass. She makes a nifty little Miyagi move to cover her glass and says, "Stop! Bottled. Flat." The waiter scurries away, and Serena turns on the charm again, telling Dr. Cooper how amazing it is that he works with animals, but he's got a look on his face like he just realized he's having lunch with Hitler. Meanwhile, the Water Waiter is over at the bar tattling to Victoria. Dr. Cooper explains that he just loves working with animals, and Serena calls it noble. Then the real waiter shows up, and asks if they're ready to order. Serena snottily says that having their menus closed in front of them for ten minutes is generally an indicator that they're ready to order, and I really have to side with her on this one. Before the waiter can apologize or anything, Serena asks him to tell her about the sea bass. He does so, but as soon as he mentions cilantro, Serena cuts him off and says she just wants a tossed salad, and a discombobulated Dr. Cooper orders the same. Serena then tells the waiter to hurry, as she's "hypoglycemic." Dr. Cooper looks afraid for his life, as Serena says this is so much fun, because most of the time when she goes out to eat, it's "business, business, business."
Time for the already formulaic scene in which Kate talks to each of the daters, and one person loved the date and one person hated it. Guess which is which. Serena's the first to call, lauding Dr. Cooper as being such a good person. She compares him to the pope. Meaning he's a frail old man against birth control and same-sex marriages? "Meaning…you liked him?" says Kate. Who the fuck wants to date the Pope? Since I'm a lapsed Catholic, I can make jokes, you know. That doesn't mean I'm not still a little nervous about doing so. Besides, before this season, the last two words of my last recap before this new season were "John Ritter," so if the Pope buys it in the week, rest assured I'll be burning in a lake of fire sooner or later. Serena babbles on, but Kate's line beeps, so she excuses herself. "Maybe that's him!" says Serena. In fact, it is. It's Dr. Pope himself, asking Kate who the hell Serena thinks she is. He calls her incredibly rude, which is surprising to Kate, since Serena thinks he's the Pope and everything. Dr. Cooper says Serena treated the wait staff like slave labourers. Back on the phone with Serena, Kate has to tell her that Glen didn't exactly think she was the Pope. "He hated me," says Serena, but Kate puts that fear to rest with a strong, "He didn't exactly say that." Good one, Kate. Kate says that she and Serena should meet later to regroup, which may be a good idea, as Serena seems quite disappointed.
Kate strolls up to Victoria at the Only Bar and asks if Serena's there yet, but Victoria grumps that it might be not be a good idea to ever bring Serena back there. "She couldn't have been that bad," says Kate. "Oh yes she could," argues Victoria. 'Fraid not. 'Fraid so. And so forth. Serena does show up, back to being her perky self, telling Kate she looks cute. Kate does look cute. She's wearing this blue…thing. And her hair is all…nice. Kate reveals that she has a date with "Dr." Dean, and Serena squeals appropriately before curtly ordering a flat room-temperature water from Victoria. I mean, Victoria is the bartender, but she gives a "here we go again" to Kate, who re-introduces Serena to Victoria. "Hey, you!" says Serena perkily, before Kate yanks her aside to teach her ass all about treating people with respect. Serena insists that she couldn't have been nicer to the "doggy doctor." "And what about the people who work here?" Serena slowly says that she doesn't know that she was rude, so Kate says that whatever Serena was, it made the doggy doctor lose interest in her. Serena seems a little stunned by all of this, so Kate runs down Serena's good points, and assures her that if she just makes an effort to be a little more respectful, she can have any guy she wants. "Just like you did in high school," adds Kate, unable to resist getting in a little dig. Serena's all, pshaw, and Kate's all, Exhibit A? David Hillman. "Oh, god," says Serena. "You know, I have to tell you I have always felt terrible about that, and I know I never owned up to that, and that just makes it even more awful, but I had no right to go off with him that night. I'm, I'm sorry." It's a genuine, heartfelt apology, leaving Kate sitting there, mouth agape, before she collects herself to pretend that it wasn't any big deal. Then she thanks Serena for the apology. Victoria sidles up with the water, telling Serena that they're "waiting on the thermometer," but Serena exclaims, "This is perfect. Thank you, Victoria," then turns back to Kate, all pleased with herself over just how much fun it is to be polite. Civility: It's what's for dinner.
Michael and Whatshername are out for dinner at some Spanish-themed restaurant, complete with wandering mariachis, and they're talking about how they fell into their respective professions, with Michael wondering, somewhat facetiously, if Whatshername ever played "investment banker" when she was a kid, and she confesses that she didn't, and she asks if he designed buildings as a kid, and he says he did, mostly of the Tinkertoy and Lego variety, but he claims his work was very innovative, and she can ask his mom. "I'll have to give her a call," says Whatshername, laughing. Then her cell phone rings. And I'm thinking, "Speaking of calls," and she says, "Speaking of calls," and picks up. And she says, "Thank you" and "I can't believe it either" and "time flies" and then begs off the phone call, saying she's having dinner with someone and she'll call back later. Whatshername hangs up and says it was her sister. No problemo, says Michael, who then wonders how she works eighty hours a week and still has time for boot camp, but she just laughs and says she's not exactly breaking any boot camp records. Nonsense! says Michael, telling her Kate compared her to "G.I. Jane" out there, like that's supposed to be some sort of compliment. Her cell phone rings again, and she does that apologetic answering thing, which is really annoying, because if you were actually sorry, you'd TURN OFF THE DAMN PHONE WHILE YOU'RE HAVING DINNER, but she doesn't. She answers, and says, "Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Dad," and thanks them for the package she got from them yesterday and says she meant to call them. And of course now I realize that it is glaringly obvious that it is her birthday, and all of the stellar crew on the Miss Match boards picked up on it, but I have to confess that I missed it totally, mainly because I was blinded with rage from the fact that she kept answering her cell phone. She tries to get off by announcing that she's with someone, and says, "That is correct," and then asks if they can talk about it tomorrow, which I'm going to guess is her mother grilling her on this new guy in her life. She finally gets off the phone and apologizes again, saying she should turn the phone off. "Special occasion?" asks Michael. "It's my birthday," she says, and adds, "How are the tamales?" Michael practically chokes before raising his glass and saying, "Happy birthday." Then they kind of sit there in awkward silence before Whatshername practically bursts into tears as she defensively tells Michael that not everyone "has these best-friends networks planning birthday parties for everyone!" And Michael's all "no, of course not" and deducing that he's not getting any tonight. Whatshername starts sucking back her margarita.
Elsewhere, "Dr." Dean and Kate are reclining on, like, chaises longues by the pool in their full evening dress, and since "Dr." Dean knows exactly why she likes him, he of course asks her how her neck is, so she can rave about what a "miracle-worker" he is, and he just shrugs it off with a "you studied the law, I studied the body." She says she couldn't do what he does. Sure you could! It's just a weekend course down at the community college! He holds out his hand and gets her to start pressing his palm with her thumb, and he starts lecturing her on how she's releasing endorphins, which are nature's own stress and pain relievers. See? Nothing to it! But then a woman and a waiter bump into each other, so the "Dr." springs into action, because apparently this woman injured herself really badly, as if. He holds her leg and asks her to try to extend it, but is interrupted by a man telling him not to do that. "It's okay, I'm a chiropractor," says "Dr." Dean, which I have to admit was pretty hilarious, even before the other guy trumps it with "I'm an orthopedic surgeon" and tells him that without an X-ray of the leg, the last thing you want to do is apply pressure. Tail between his legs, "Dr." Dean starts whining about how everything is fine now that the orthopedic surgeon is here. "These guys think they're God's gift, just because they happened to get into medical school. Well, excuse me for blowing my MCATs, and missing the opportunity to spend eight years learning how to be a pompous-ass EGOMANIAC." Kate looks less than enthralled by his little tirade.
Back at the Spanish restaurant, Michael has apparently gotten the mariachi band to come over and play happy birthday for Whatshername, and she gets a little cupcake or something with a candle on it. I guess it's very nice of him. What would be even nicer would be if he could make an effort not to look so damn uncomfortable. Commercials.
Speaking of uncomfortable, here's "Dr." Dean walking Kate to her front door, and I really hope he hasn't been ranting about doctors this whole time, as here he's railing about how most sports-related surgeries aren't even necessary, but doctors aren't in the habit of referring patients to chiropractors, what with them being the competition and all. Kate calls the whole thing "interesting," and if she's lying, I can't tell. She says she'd invite "Dr." Dean in, but she needs to prep for a deposition and she also has a headache coming on. "Dr." Dean's all, well, I'd be no help with the deposition, but how about I use my chiropractic "training" as an excuse to put my hands all over you even though this is just a first date? He rubs her neck, causing Kate to go all Herbal Essences again. He suggests that if she lies down, he could apply a lot more "pressure." She calls it "tempting," but suggests another time. So he tells her to take a hot shower before bed, "doctor's orders," and she promises she will. He leans in and plants a sloppy kiss on her, and when they finally come up for air, she says she might need a cold shower. He laughs and says good night, and she watches him walk away with a half-happy, half-confused look on her face.
Later, while she's working on her deposition, the phone rings. It's Michael, making the they're-actually-destined-for-each-other late-night phone call. She asks how dinner went, and he calls it "festive," and of course Kate doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, and he says that they talked about each other's work, and the fact they're both 29. "I thought she was 28," says Kate. "She was. Yesterday," says Michael. It's "sweet" to Kate that Whatshername went out with Michael on her birthday. Michael says it's weird, and that Whatshername is strange too, which is a little harsh, if you ask me. She seemed really nice. Then this: "Second date?" "Not happening?" "Gotcha." I hate fake only-on-television phone calls like that. Since Birthday Girl's been shot down, Kate says she has someone else she's "working with" and outlines Serena's good qualities, of which there are many, but the first thing Michael wants to know is when her birthday is. "Not any time soon, I promise," says Kate. She says she'll be in touch. And they tell each other to have "sweet dreams" and hang up.
A point-of-view camera with throbbing disco music takes us from the elevator through the Jerrold Fox & Associates office, with various men rendered awestruck by the sight of what is obviously the Hot Nanny. She's so hot, even women are transfixed (the UPS deliverywoman's jaw drops, sending her pencil to the floor). Claire is dumbstruck too, when the Hot Nanny, whose name is Rebecca Hanley, strides up to the reception desk. And I just have to say, Hot Nanny? Not that hot. I mean, she's not ugly or anything -- in fact, she's quite pretty. We're supposed to get "hotness" from her pink trench coat over top of her calf-high boots, I suppose, but Hot Nanny can get in line behind Serena, Kate, Victoria, and Birthday Girl on this episode alone. Hot Nanny tells Claire she's here for her deposition.
Claire scurries to get Jerrold and Kate, and says, "From one straight woman to another, you gotta see this nanny." You know, the "you gotta see this nanny" line was old the second time we heard it, and since we've already checked out the goods, it's just annoying.
Jerrold makes Hot Nanny understand that she's not a party to the action but a material witness, and is required to tell the truth. Since he's somewhat fawning, I prepare myself for much eye-rolling from Kate the entire time. Hot Nanny understands. She does. So Mrs. Donovan's lawyer begins the questioning, and establishes that Hot Nanny was hired by Mrs. Donovan about nine months ago, and has had sex with Mr. Donovan. "I'm not proud of it," she says, but yes, it was consensual. Jerrold then asks her if Rebecca ever had sex with Mrs. Donovan, and Rebecca's all, "Of course not," and then Jerrold asks if she knows of any extramarital affairs Mrs. Donovan might have had with "the pool man," for example. "Pool boy," I can see, but doesn't "pool man" bring up thoughts of Walter Matthau in Bad News Bears? Anyway, even though Rebecca wasn't with Mrs. Donovan every waking second, she finds it hard to believe she would cheat. "It's hard to imagine it. I have nothing against Mrs. Donovan, but the woman is a bore." So much for that.
Nick's walking through the lobby of the office building, where he passes by Hot Nanny pleading with a security guard to help her change a flat tire on her car just up the street. And since this show has taken great pains to establish what a knockout the nanny is, it's kind of weird that they make the guard totally immune to her charms. Fortunately, Nick's all too happy to help, and when she complains that her auto club card ran out just two weeks, he explains that as a public service he provides roadside assistance to "all stunningly beautiful auto club members." Hot Nanny's a sucker for flattery, I guess, for off she goes with Nick.
Jerrold and Kate are going over the case, with Kate preparing the groundwork for the divvying up of assets, but Jerrold stops her, since he's got a new theory that would justify the adultery, and keep the pre-nup valid: Entrapment. After all, Mrs. Donovan was the one who hired Hot Nanny. Kate says that ain't gonna fly. "Say what you will, I think Mrs. Donovan asked for it," says Jerrold, and nothing wins you fans like suggesting that a woman "asked for" the shabby treatment she got. He wonders what woman in her right mind would ever hire a hot nanny, who's there all day doing nothing but serving the family's needs and looking great doing it. Claire, not working or anything, just sitting in the break room reading the newspaper, chimes in with, "She's the ultimate fantasy wife," which Jerrold jumps on, and asks how any man could be expected to resist. Kate manages not to kick him in the crotch, and says she'll get the trial binder together.
Flat tire successfully fixed, Nick and Hot Nanny are getting plastered on martinis in a bar right to the office. Hot Nanny's toasting her "knight in shining business suit" when Kate walks by and spots the two of them in there together. Absolutely indignant, she dials Nick's cell phone and stomps out of sight. When he picks up, she doesn't even say hello, just "Put that drink down and listen close. You are so out of line!" Maintaining his smoothness in the face of Kate's indignant onslaught, he just asks where she's calling from. She tells him to leave the bar and go to his left, and hangs up. He tells Hot Nanny he's going to the bathroom, but when she isn't looking, he scurries outside to find Kate. "You're spying on me?" he says, and she tells him she just happened to be passing by and saw him tossing back cocktails -- "during work hours, I might add" -- with the Hot Nanny. Nick's confused, so Kate tells him all about the Donovan divorce. Nick thinks about it for a moment, then says, "Not my case." Heh. So Kate points out that Mr. Donovan (the "Mini-Mart king of the valley," don't forget) might not look too kindly on the fact that a lawyer from his firm is getting cozy with the woman costing him half his stuff (point of order: doesn't Mr. Donovan take some of the blame for losing half his stuff?). Nick's response? "Have you seen her?" Kate's exasperated, but Nick doesn't think there's a problem, since Hot Nanny doesn't know him; to her, he's just the "manly man" (Kate rolls her eyes) who helped her change a flat tire. "As for you? You never saw me," says Nick, and he hustles back into the bar. Kate actually throws her hands up in the air and says, "Oh my god!" as she walks away.
Only Bar. Victoria wants to know how things are going with "Dr." Dean. Kate explains that she's on the fence; Dean's got a major insecurity complex, but whenever he touches her, she can't resist him. Victoria's all, so go for it! And Kate says, weren't you listening to me? And Victoria points out that you don't have to be madly in love with every guy you fool around with. Sounds suspiciously like Evil Laurel's plan of attack last week, doesn't it? Kate's cell phone rings. It's Michael, so she answers with "How'd it go?" and it's "still in progress" and he sounds less than enthused, so Kate wonders what the problem is. "She's unbearable," says Michael, and Kate's all, "I knew it!" and she tells Michael to make up an excuse and get the hell out of there. Oh! Michael's kidding! D'oh! He passes the phone over to a sparkling Serena, who confirms that they're having a blast and that she's being a model customer, having said "please" and "thank you" to the waiter and the "bus person." Serena wants to know what happens , and, mainly, I'm sure, for Michael's benefit, says, "Can I take him home with me?" Kate desperately suggests a second date first, and Serena suggests a double date with Kate and "Dr." Dean. Kate, all false smiles, says that might be a good idea. After hanging up, she glumly tells Victoria that she may have made a match, and Victoria remarks on how unexcited Kate seems. "I'm just surprised," says Kate. "Of course I'm excited," she says quietly, meaning she's not.
Elsewhere, Nick and Hot Nanny are finishing up a round of Hot Sex, Nick calling it "astounding" and suggesting that they go away somewhere, anywhere they can have more fruity drinks and sex. "Substantially more sex!" She suggests Tuscany, since she's rented a villa there and she's going for a month. Nick playfully brings up the incongruity between renting a villa in Tuscany and not being able to afford a tow truck (as she mentioned before in the office lobby), and she says she's coming into some money, she just doesn't have it yet. After some prodding from Nick (who's intrigued by her reluctance to divulge, since it's too "naughty") -- "Come clean, woman, we're flesh against flesh; nothing comes between us" -- she explains that her old boss offered her $50,000 to sleep with her husband. She gets the money when their divorce goes through. "How bizarre is that!" she giggles, nuzzling Nick. It's so bizarre that he seems stunned enough to have momentarily lost interest in sex with her. Commercials.
Jerrold and Kate are walking up the courthouse steps, talking about the Donovans' assets that will have to be split, when Nick Ex Machina runs up to drop the bomb about Mrs. Donovan's scam. So the Foxes are smiling when they rise to greet the judge. Before things can get underway, Jerrold rises and apologizes for the late notice, but now serves notice that his client considers the pre-nup valid and binding. Mrs. Donovan's lawyer objects, even more so when Jerrold says they're even going so far as to seek criminal charges of fraud and conspiracy against Mrs. Donovan and Rebecca Hanley (whom Jerrold almost calls "Hot Nanny" in court). Jerrold and Mrs. Donovan's lawyer approach the bench, and Nick wanders in and sits down to Hot Nanny in the gallery. "What are you doing here?" she asks. "Oh, I work with those guys," he says brightly, pointing to the Foxes. Understandably, Hot Nanny's a little concerned, and rushes to the front to confer with Mrs. Donovan, whose lawyer notices and joins the powwow. After a frantic couple of seconds, Mrs. Donovan agrees to abide by the pre-nup, and the judge is all accepting it and not complaining about what a circus his courtroom seems to be and how everyone seems to be taking advantage of the judicial system. Kate smiles at Nick, who seems rather chuffed. I guess when you're a hero to your boss mainly because you had sex with a hot English nanny, that's a pretty good day. He's so pleased with himself, he actually asks Hot Nanny if they're still on for Tuscany, but she just looks disgusted.
The dreaded double date. The group is having drinks at the bar, with Serena wondering how Kate and "Dr." Dean met, and he explains it was in his "adjustment room," and that he "twisted Kate's arm" to go out with him, and I guarantee you he's been waiting all day to use that line. Serena's all, "I have such respect for your line of work," and she explains that there's a woman who goes around her office working the kinks out of people's necks. It takes just ten minutes to achieve nirvana. Naturally, "Dr." Dean gets his back up, since she's talking about a masseuse, which is totally different from what he does. In other words, he takes the same attitude towards masseuses that real doctors take towards him. Serena does her best to save face with an "of course," and Michael finally changes subjects by praising Serena's house (speaking from an architect's point of view), and Serena's all giggling about the extension she wants him to build. Michael says she'll have to go through his agent, and he points at Kate, whom Serena calls a "pushover." Maybe Kate's sickened by all the lovey-doveyness, and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, so Serena tags along. On the way, they gab about the boys, with Serena saying that Dean seems sweet. Kate says she's happy Serena and Michael have hit it off, since Kate wasn't sure if Michael was Serena's type. Oh, he's not, says Serena, which is great; he's the exact opposite of my last boyfriend, who didn't treat me any better than he treated his wife. Kate's shocked. "You only said he was a narcissist!" she says. He was, insists Serena. "Everything was about him, not wanting to break up his family." And we quickly to move on to how Michael is great but he just needs a little polishing, which would include a new haircut, new wardrobe, new car…but overall he's very promising. Kate launches into her "Michael is amazing" defense, asking why Serena would want to change him. "Because I'd like him better that way," she says. Hmmm. There's a certain logic to what she's saying, I'll give her that. Is Kate going to refuse to set up any woman who wants to change a thing or two about their boyfriend? Because she'll have no clients. I'm just saying.
Back at the table, Serena and Michael are getting cutesy while Kate and Dean look on. And Serena seems to be morphing into the manipulative man-eater Kate's portrayed her to be, as she starts yakking about how "fab" it is that she and Kate, after all these years, are out on the town with their "men," and then starts alluding to the "Katie Fox" she knew in high school. And Kate's all, what does that mean? And Serena brings up the biggest-flirt thing again. And Kate's not even fake-laughing anymore; she angrily tells Serena that she was the biggest flirt, and Serena's all, sweetie! Kidding! Don't be so sensitive! So now Kate tries the fake-laughing thing to pretend that it doesn't bother her, but makes a comment about how she's been racking her brains to come up with "flirty exploits," but all she can think of are ones involving Serena. The guys are loving this, in the sense that they think it's hilarious because they don't realize that Kate and Serena are about half an inch from stabbing each other. So Michael's all, "Let's hear the flirty stories!" and Kate relates a story about Serena making a bet that she could hook up with three guys in one weekend, and won $50. Oooh. That's below the belt, for sure. Serena doesn't like it one bit; she's giving Kate a look like, so, it's like that, is it? And when the waitress comes with her food, Serena takes her head off because there's cilantro on her fish. "That's how the dish is prepared," says the waitress, preparing herself for the verbal onslaught to follow. And Michael and Kate keep looking at each other like they can't believe how rude Serena's being, and I guess Kate seems to think that only she is allowed to behave inappropriately. And Serena looks stressed, which is naturally "Dr." Dean's cue to touch someone uninvited, under the guise of him being a "doctor" and everything. He starts massaging Serena's neck, and she gets all Herbal Essences on him, while Kate and Michael continue to play Dueling Eyebrows.
At the office the day, Kate walks in, and Claire's telling jokes on the phone with someone, and puts the person on hold long enough to tell Kate that "Dr." Dean is on the line for her, and Kate wants Claire to pretend she couldn't find Kate. Claire says no: "I'm not comfortable passing along misinformation to 'Dr.' Dean.'" Fortunately, NBC doesn't have that same problem. Stay tuned for Miss Information, coming up ! Kate can hardly believe what a useless receptionist this firm has. And I guess there wasn't enough money to pay for a "special" appearance by JoBeth Williams this week (you can't tell me she wasn't available), as Claire hands over a package Kate's mom dropped off. Kate gives Claire the stink-eye as she walks out.
In her office, Kate picks up the phone to hear "Dr." Dean all smarmily talking about what an enjoyable night it was, and how they should do it again, and Kate's using the classic method of being noncommittal while pretending to agree, i.e. agreeing that it was certainly a "memorable" night. Then she dumps Dr. Dean down the Miss Match Dork Hatch, telling him she'd rather not jeopardize their chiropractor-patient relationship, since he's such an amazing chiropractor. "Dr." Dean settles for having his ego stroked, if nothing else, and agrees that "a good doctor is hard to find," and I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but Kate says, "So true." He doesn't even know the brush-off he's getting. He tells her to "stay limber," and she promises to do so.
I tell you, it's only the third episode and these apologetic phone calls between Kate and Michael are already getting to me. She phones him to apologize for letting things get out of control, and he tells her not to worry about it, and she says she just realized that Serena wasn't the right woman for him, and he saw her doing that, since he's becoming a "Kate Fox aficionado" and pretty soon he's going to know all her moves, so she says all flirty, "I'm going to have to get new moves," and I have to agree. She updates him on The Diplomatic Dumping of "Dr." Dean, and he says that even so, it's great that she's out there, since she can't be a matchmaker 24/7, or she'll give away all the good guys. This seems to hit Kate a little close to home, so she says goodbye and the sappy music kicks in.
Anyway, what's in her mom's parcel? It's her high school yearbook, and she goes flipping through to find a picture of a Buffy- or Angel-era Serena Lockner, immortalized forever as the school's biggest flirt. "Thank you. Thank you!" says Kate, who really needs to learn how to let go. Then she flips through to find her own picture -- labeled "Most Hopeless Romantic Who Will Likely Wind Up Becoming a Divorce Lawyer with a Heart of Gold." The high school yearbook always knows.