Kate and Victoria are at some outdoor organic market featuring such specific stands as the olive stand and the peach stand, and naturally they know all the vendors' names, as I suppose everybody in L.A. has a personal organic olive guy. Kate and Victoria's olive guy is named Emil, and his thick Italian accent adds an "-a" to pretty much every word he says, and he hands over calamata olives for Kate (Emil calls her "gorgeous") and some kind of olives that I didn't catch for Victoria (known to Emil as "beautiful"). He's about half an inch shy of proclaiming the spiciness of various meatballs, but thankfully doesn't.
Kate and Victoria are wrapped up in Kate's nonexistent love life, with Victoria wondering why Kate never talks about Bryan, last seen driving away at top speed from Kate and a colour-coordinated suitcase. Of course, they were in a residential zone, so top speed wasn't very fast, and the drama of the moment was somewhat hindered by Michael having to stop at a stop sign, which had to be there so Kate didn't have to break up with him by diving out of a moving car, although I would have given the episode a higher grade if she had.
And Kate's blah-blahing about moving on, which leads Victoria to ask about Michael, and in case Kate doesn't know who that is, Victoria actually calls him "the dreamy architect," and I didn't know that women whose names aren't Betty and Veronica actually discuss men and use the word "dreamy." Kate says she can't go after Michael since she's supposed to be fixing him up, leading Victoria to wonder if Kate took some sort of "matchmaker's oath," and I have to admit, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me that Kate is a bigger stickler for cupid ethics than she is for her actual job. Of course, she does seem unsure whether it's okay for her to "skim off the top" of the heap of great guys she's going to be helping out.
Fortunately, Kate sidesteps her moral dilemma by saying that, since she's only been broken up for a week, she shouldn't be seeing anybody, which didn't occur to her when she was harassing Jolene Dixon in the washroom minutes after finalizing her divorce. Kate claims that her only focus is on fixing Michael up, so Victoria wonders about Laurel, "that producer chick," since it was while hunting for a man for Laurel that Kate met Michael in the first place. But Kate says the two of them would be completely wrong, what with Michael being a sweet guy, and Laurel being a complete bitch and all (or, as Kate puts it, "Type A and then some") and needing someone who can get her to "lighten up."
So, their olive needs met, they pop over to see Dave, the peach vendor, who welcomes his favourite customers. Victoria starts to check out the guy's fruit, and he asks her not to squeeze. After letting Victoria look shocked, he says he's just kidding. Quite the sense of humour on Peachy there. So Kate asks if Dave is single. "Guilty as charged," he says. Victoria says, out of the corner of her mouth but still really loudly, "You've got to be kidding me," but Kate just smiles. And despite Victoria's loud expression of dissent, Peachy looks oblivious. It's an expression he will wear without change throughout the rest of the episode.
Commercials. Technically, if the upcoming episode of Ed is all new, shouldn't his name be Greg or Doug or something now?
Claire the Sarcastic Secretary is talking on a headset and signing for something from a messenger when in walks a dude with longish hair who wants to know if this is Jerrold Fox & Associates. And I know Claire is standing in front of a sign that announces that very fact, but I wonder if her "no duh" sweep of the hands is exactly the welcoming attitude Jerrold would be looking for in a receptionist. Similarly, when Dude stammers out that he found them in the phone book under Family Law and wants to confirm that he can come here with a family-related legal problem, her "that's the idea" response is a little on the rude side. Fortunately for Dude, Kate is there to ask if he needs help, and invites him into her office. Claire watches them go with this really odd stunned look on her face. Maybe it's not that odd, since she doesn't seem to have any idea how a receptionist is supposed to behave.
Dude is played by J.P. Pitoc, recently seen on Six Feet Under, but here he's a guy named Aaron, in what is obviously a shout-out to the guy who subbed in for the recaplet this week. Thanks, Aaron! I'm only sorry there were no dream sequences, religious freaks, or people getting whacked in this episode, so you might have felt strangely underused. But I promise to make a Peter Krause reference later on.
Anyway, the Non-Recapper Aaron broke up with his girlfriend Marla about a year ago. In fact, a year ago this Thursday. Or Wednesday. No, Thursday. And he hasn't seen her since, except for this one time at yoga, but not after that. Anyway, it's like that, and Aaron needs much prompting from Kate to go on, while she and Jerrold make faces at each other. He explains that he works at Kinko's (er, that is to say, "Copy King") but that's just his day job. He's actually a drummer. And he recently saw his ex-girlfriend walking by outside the store, pushing a baby stroller, and we witness this courtesy of an unaccountably hilarious recreation. "I'm like processing this, then she sees me, and she just books." And I guess Marla can push a stroller pretty damn fast, since Aaron apparently can't catch her. He doesn't have a number or any way to reach her, but he thinks he's the father, and he wants to know if he has any parental rights. Jerrold jumps in with a "hypothetically," but points out that spotting his ex-girlfriend pushing a baby stroller "does not a paternity suit make." Jerrold then offers up other explanations, including the possibility that Marla kidnapped the baby. Kate offers up an eye-roll. Aaron offers up, "I guess. But maybe not." Since making jokes about the situation isn't enough, Jerrold asks how Aaron plans to pay for the legal help, aside from the drumming and the toner-refilling, earning a full-on open-mouthed glare from Kate. Aaron promises he'll figure something out, since this is important, and is rewarded with Kate's undying admiration, and she promises they'll get to work right away.
Outside, Jerrold expresses the vague notion that he's the guy who gets to decide which clients they take on, and he prefers to represent the ones who can pay. She introduces him to the term "pro bono" and has the nerve to insinuate that her dad is a "money-grubber," at least until he reminds her that this particular money-grubber put her through college and law school (not to mention gave her a job). Kate's response to her dad (her boss, remember)? Aaron's a "sweet guy." According to Jerrold, though, you could fill a stadium with all the sweet guys with sob stories. Yeah. It's called Fenway Park. Oh, wait. He said "sweet" guys. (Peace, Sars? ["Hee. Yes. Hee hee. 'Fenway Park.'" -- Sars]) And I agreed with Jerrold that Aaron seems a little dim, at least until I realized that Jerrold confuses "dim" with "moral." Why is Aaron dim? Because he wants to prove he's the baby's father. "Men run from paternity suits!" he says. Funny, I don't imagine actual men get slapped with paternity suits very often, since men tend to look after their children. Not to get all Maury-Povich-audience-member on you. "He wants to do the right thing, which is why we're going to help him," says Kate, leaving her dad to sputter about pretty offices costing money.
Claire grabs Kate to let her know she has a visitor. It's Laurel, excited because she got Kate's message, so Kate gives her the lowdown on Peachy, calling him "young," "charming," "very handsome," and (classist-misgivings-induced pause before proceeding) an "organic foods specialist." Laurel says he sounds like perfection.
To illustrate the opposite of perfection, Nick walks by, and gives Laurel a "Hey…you…" so she has to identify herself and leave the very smooth Nick to pretend that he's been meaning to call her. Fortunately, Laurel shoots him down with a well-placed "Take your time," and he scurries off. "Picture the opposite of that," says Kate, and Laurel says she loves Peachy already.
At a driving range, Michael is feeling self-conscious with Kate watching him swing, but she tells him not to worry, since she just wants to experience typical Michael Mendelsohn. He claims that the typical Michael Mendelsohn is not such a hack, and any golfer can tell you that someone who claims to not usually suck so much, pretty much always sucks that much. He takes another swing, and Kate tells him he's lifting his club too high, then apologizes and blames her advice on osmosis, since her ex-boyfriend was a fanatic. So Michael swings again, and Kate calls this one nice. "Maybe I should go out with him," says Michael, then quickly says he's kidding, in that I-just-made-a-gay-joke-but-not-because-I-am way that guys have.
Kate's cell phone rings. It's Laurel, taking Kate to task for her "organic foods specialist" exaggeration. Laurel is, naturally, at Victoria's bar (which will be called the Only Bar from now on, unless someone gives me a better nickname), leaving Peachy to sit at the table and smile at her while Laurel's over at the bar complaining about his job to Kate. Kate tells her to sit down and enjoy herself, and to pass the phone to Victoria. "The person who told you so speaking, how may I help you?" says Victoria. Kate tells her to send Laurel and Peachy the chocolate soufflé with only one spoon, and Victoria gets all annoyed since she is the bartender, and maybe in L.A. bartenders don't order food for people or something, since Kate has to bribe Victoria with a free massage to do so.
When Kate gets off the phone, she tells Michael that that was another side project of hers, and Michael wonders if he and that side project weren't supposed to go out. Kate says they should hold off on that. "Got it," says Michael, and takes another swing. Then he makes the brilliant deduction that Kate is single, since she mentioned an ex-boyfriend before. And just as Kate seems to be getting her hopes up that Michael is interested in her, he makes the observation that you'd think someone in the matchmaking business would have her own love life all figured out. He's getting a little personal, but that's not to say he's wrong. Kate starts to scowl, but saves it by claiming that her powers only work on others.
Back at the Only Bar, Kate asks Victoria if her "Michael interviews are here." They are (and Victoria says they are "chomping" at the bit instead of "champing"), and I braced myself for another round of annoying interviews, just like last week's. These were different, though, in that they were funny. This time, Kate asks what kind of guy they're interested in. The first interviewee is the host of While You Were Out, one of those shows that makes me wonder just where exactly the "learning" part of The Learning Channel is, and While You Were Out Host says she'd prefer a straight guy, and that also she enjoys it when guys beat each other up. "Love that," she says, not sarcastically. up is a refreshingly honest woman who seems unsure about admitting that she's just after "attractive men with fat wallets," so maybe Kate can skip past all the ugly bums in her Rolodex. One of the women apparently carries a card with her on which is written an awful rhyming poem that outlines what she's looking for: "We talk a lot on the phone/Share an ice cream cone/When he touches [me]/I moan." And hey, when the producers of a show with a largely white cast require a black woman, what kind do they always specify? If you said "sassy," network television wants you to write for them. Fortunately, she's hilarious, as she grumpily asserts that she wants a man who's not a big, whiny baby, and proceeds to imitate what is obviously a particular big, whiny baby from her past: "Wah, wah, wah, you spend too much money. Wah, wah, wah, you never cook for me. Wah, wah, wah, you slept with my friend." She's also of the opinion that if you don't want her sleeping with your friends, you'd best be putting a ring on her finger. Kate stops by the bar on her way out to tell Victoria that she's going to keep looking, and Victoria has a little giggle, because she apparently was able to eavesdrop on these interviews while working so damn hard at the bar.
The day at work, some toothpick-chewin', wearing-sunglasses-inside dude is chatting up Claire, and since he doesn't appear to be a potential customer, Claire apparently feels she can give him the time of day, even as she denies she's doing anything new with her hair. He asks if she likes motocross, but before we have a chance to picture the multi-culti couple mingling with the white trash, Kate hauls "Ramon Vazquez" into the office, where Jerrold explains to Aaron that Ramon handles all their investigative work, and Ramon spends the thirty seconds rendering himself devoid of any charm as he confirms that Aaron's ex gave birth to a baby boy, Tyler Henry, seven months ago. "Mama squeezed him out au naturel, no meds or nothin'. Gotta respect that." Aaron's pleased at the possibility that he has a son, but when Ramon outlines the expensive hospital stay Marla had, in a big room, with a special menu, Aaron says it couldn't have been her because she doesn't have that kind of money. Ramon, who seems greatly influenced, sartorially and temperamentally, by Tony Montana, takes great offence. "Back up, bro. Accuracy is my business," he says, and shows the relevant hospital documents. I'm curious how he got those. Jerrold Fox? Not so curious about the likely illegal methods his investigator uses. Fox Daddy gives him a fist bump and says, "Nice work." Ramon swaggers off and mystifyingly says, "It's all good." Even my late-fifties retired teacher dad uses hipper slang.
Aaron wants to know what's , and the Foxes outline the steps involved into paternity tests, including obtaining a court order if Marla refuses to cooperate. Jerrold, obviously trying to get through to the "dim" Aaron, warns him of his potential legal obligations if he turns out to be the father. "I have to do this," says Aaron, after thinking about it a moment. Kate beams.
Quick throwaway scene where Claire informs Kate that her friends, Gabby and Peter Thompson, are waiting in her office. When she pops in, Kate hugs the couple, and they all express amazement that they haven't seen each other since the wedding eight months ago. There's much giggling and reminiscing, and then the three of them all sit down, so Peter and Gabby, quite pleasantly and amiably, inform Kate that the marriage is over. Kate is, understandably, a little shocked, but Peter pleasantly and amiably assures her that it's okay and that it's no one's fault, that the chemistry just ran out of gas. Gabby pleasantly and amiably announces that the two of them have had barely any sex since the wedding. Don't worry, though; there's no animosity! And this is mutual! Kate says, uncertainly, that that sounds healthy. Still not cluing in as to what the divorcing couple might be doing in a divorce lawyer's office, Kate needs the Thompsons to tell her they want her to handle their case -- both sides, since they can't afford two lawyers. But the divorce should be a breeze, since they're just splitting things up equally. Kate's rather reluctant, and Gabby says that since Kate's their friend, they trust her. "We'll do whatever you say," says Peter.
Why would Kate go to her dad for advice? She's rather upset when he tells her it'll be fine, despite her claims that it would be a conflict of interest, as if that's been much of a problem for her before. Fox Daddy says that the case seems simple enough and that she'd really just be a consulting attorney. She's worried about taking sides, so as Nick just happens to be barging in, Jerrold tells her to split the case with him; Nick takes the husband, Kate takes the wife. In other words, "taking sides." Kate says that sounds doable, but informs her dad that she's only billing the couple for one attorney, since that's all they can afford. Jerrold protests, and Nick drags out an unfunny bit in which his sycophantic tendencies have him agreeing to everything Jerrold says without even knowing what he's talking about.
Finally, a new bar. Or some sort of outdoor patio restaurant, where Laurel recaps her date with Peachy. Dinner was nice (risotto for her, osso buco for him), and Peachy was very charming. And after? "We went back to my place…" "And?" "And I tore his clothes off," she says. Much G-rated giggling from Darren Star's network heroines. Kate seems a little surprised, but happy -- at least until Laurel admits that she doesn't see herself in a long-term relationship with Peachy, what with him being a lowly peach vendor at a farmer's market. Somehow, Kate's protests that they're his own damn peaches fail to sway Laurel, who calls him a farmer. "I think I have to be with a professional," she says. Well, he's not an amateur peach vendor. Laurel's no snob. The dude doesn't have to be a doctor or anything. But he should be a little more creative. Kate laughingly promises to try to come up with something.
And here comes Michael to be all disarmingly charming. He spots Kate and saunters over, giving Laurel the chance to ogle him as he admits that he's out buying some "ridiculously overpriced sushi," and he and Laurel flirt over sushi takeout, of all things, and Michael figures out that this is Kate's other side project and takes it upon himself to invite Laurel to coffee. She's more than happy to accept, and turns to Kate: "Consigliere, can we arrange this on our own? I'd hate to violate protocol." Heh). After Michael walks out, Laurel calls him "delicious" and jokingly asks if Kate's been holding out on her. "Of course not," says Kate, lying through her teeth. Commercials.
Does Royal Caribbean know that "Lust For Life" is a song about heroin addiction? Let's not tell them. Then, if they ever figure it out, Royal Caribbean will be all, "It's about heroin addiction? Boy, are we embarrassed!" That'll be hilarious!
Finally, some court action. Aaron's on the stand, confirming that he was having a romantic relationship with Marla at the time she conceived, in June 2002. "And during that time, you and Marla engaged in sexual intercourse?" "We got busy," confirms Aaron, laconically and hilariously. Marla rolls her eyes -- hey, maybe she met Aaron at a Six Feet Under guest spot party. But when Marla takes the stand, she denies Aaron's paternity, saying she and Aaron had stopped having sex by the time the baby was conceived, and gets in a dig about Aaron not satisfying her, so she turned to her new fiancé, "Anthony Vee, DDS," and started doing him after he did her caps. Awww. Kind of gets you right here, doesn't it? Under cross, Kate reminds her about Aaron surprising her with Dave Matthews Band tickets that June…and, well, after tailgating in the Staples Center parking lot, and…well, apparently it doesn't take much to earn Marla's gratitude. And she displays an astonishing lack of knowledge of biology, by saying they just had sex once, so that doesn't make Aaron the father. Kate's shrug clearly says, "Oh, really?" Having met their burden, Jerrold asks the judge to order the paternity test, and a rather bored-looking judge does so.
At some loud, shitty concert, Michael is grinning and pumping his fists while a distressed Laurel holds her hand to her head. When Michael says they can leave anytime, she says she's fine, like, don't bother trying to be gracious while making it clear you're miserable. He apologizes for dragging her to it, but it's a rare concert these guys play that's before midnight, so since "old age" prohibits him from staying up too late, he didn't want to miss the show. "I wouldn't have pegged you for a fan of…whatever this is," says Laurel, compelling Michael to launch into an overly long bit of ridiculousness about this car he had that only got one radio station, a college station that played these guys all the time, so he kind of got hooked, even though most college stations tend more toward the Pavement than the…my best approximation is Mötley Crüe, and I don't mean it in a good way. Michael finally succumbs to Laurel's pain and they leave, with him calling her a good sport and wondering if she'd like to go for that coffee now. Surprisingly, the tinnitus hasn't kicked in, but she says she's exhausted, so they promise to do it another time (and genuinely seem to mean it). They say goodbye in that "do we kiss? Shake hands?" first-date kind of way (he kisses her on the cheek). He walks away. She seems to be looking at his ass, which I guess gives her an idea; we see her knocking on Peachy's door, who opens it wearing no shirt and his jeans unbuttoned. You know, I tried that with my landlord once when the rent was late. She hops on Peachy, and they go inside to sweat up the sheets.
The day in the law firm's coffee room, Sardonic Claire is answering in the negative to Kate's questions about whether Michael or Laurel called. When Kate wants to make sure that Claire will let her know when they do call, Claire says that's pretty much standard operating procedure. Hoping for an even less sincere conversation, she starts talking to Nick about the Thompsons (who Nick calls "the naïve simpletons," much to Kate's annoyance). They've got a meeting set up for tomorrow, with Kate representing Gabby and Nick representing Peter. Nick crows that in their "boys against girls" case, the girls are going to get creamed, prompting Kate to wonder out loud about all of Nick's character flaws, such as the "hyper-competitive comment," the "self-satisfied smirk," the "giddy chuckle." Nick responds by telling her that he's a man, and as such must quote the lyrics to Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger." Kate tries to squash him by pointing out that Nick's client Peter is a nice guy: "You might not be familiar with this term." She says that all Peter wants is a fair and equitable result, which Nick finds hard to believe, and he swaggers out of the break room. Kate looks pensive for a moment, then plaintively calls after Nick. He turns back, and she smirks and says, "See ya!" and winks, and I swear there was a little "ding!" as she winked. He winks back. Kate, having nothing better to do, starts in again with Claire, who is still puttering around the break room, like, maybe she could be answering phones or something. "So, when they do call…" But Claire interrupts her with, "You're the matchmaker. Maybe you should call them." And Kate manages not to say, "And you're the damn receptionist, so maybe you could take some instruction."
Instead, Kate does call Laurel, who sounds lukewarm towards Michael (although more on the side of "warm" than "luke"). Kate actually berates her for calling Michael "not bad," for heaven's sake. "I'm not wasting this guy on you if that's all the excitement you can muster," says Kate, who then orders Laurel to break the date down into positives and negatives. Pros? "He's definitely the kind of guy I picture myself with," says Laurel, adding that Michael has a "nice way" about him. And then we get Michael on the phone saying that Laurel is cool and smart. All right, then, says Kate and her magical phone that carries on two separate phone conversations at the same time, how about the negatives? Michael says he couldn't tell if the chemistry was there (hey, maybe it ran out of gas!). Laurel whines about his horrible taste in music. "Well, would you go on a second date?" asks Kate, and they both say yes, making a confused Kate hang up the phone.
Paternity test time, with Maury Povich not involved. The very businesslike nurse asks for driver's licences, and the baby's birth certificate, with Aaron losing some sweetness points by wondering if Marla switched babies with a neighbour, and Marla remaining true to form by calling him stupid. The nurse assures Aaron that she'll be taking the baby's footprint as well. "Good," he says.
After the meeting, Aaron strolls up to Marla and calls the baby cute and asks to hold him. Requisite slight thawing of the iciness between the two of them, at least until Marla starts bitching about Aaron dragging her down for this, and wondering why he wants to ruin the good thing she's got going. "We had a good thing too, remember?" he asks, and let's hope that her ability to remember isn't dependent on his ability to register an identifiable emotion. He wonders if she wants to go to teeth conventions for the rest of her life. She unsurprisingly doesn't respond well to this line of attack, and asks him what kind of father he thinks he'd make, since he's out all night with his "idiot headbanger friends" and can't hold a job or even clean up after himself. Aaron responds by -- well, no, he actually doesn't respond. His blank stare is some kind of force of nature. Since the insults have been flowing freely, I guess now is a good time to insert some poignant guitar plucking, as Marla says she's just trying to make a good life for her baby, and she scurries away, leaving Aaron to stare…forlornly? angrily? sadly? constipatedly? after her. Kate gives him a supportive arm rub. There, there, Aaron's arm. There, there. Soon you will be doling out thunderous drum fills as Aaron's band storms through an overly reverent cover of "D'yer Maker" at some local dive. Kate tells him they'll have the results in a few days. He nods. That means he understands!
Back at the farmer's market, Kate's expressing a wish for a fun Saturday night, and wants to round up all her bachelorettes for a singles' night out. Victoria thinks it's a great idea and suggests they do it at her bar. Because we never get tired of that place! Does anyone else think this is a moronic idea? If you've gone to a matchmaker, how thrilled are you going to be when she suggests hanging out with a whole troop of dateless wonders? Anyway, they swing through the peach district of the farmer's market to invite Peachy (whose own impressive arsenal of empty expressions makes Aaron look like Al Pacino. Can you tell I'm excited about Scarface on DVD? Say hello to my little friend!). Kate invites him to "Dateless Saturday Night," but he says he doesn't think he qualifies, since he and Laurel have "sort of a thing." Kate's konfused, and kwizzes him on this so-called "thing." "Without getting too graphic, we just have this animal attraction," he says. She asks when he saw Laurel last. "Last night," grins Dave, adding that it's been pretty much every night this week. "She's something," he says.
Kate comes zipping onto the set of some cooking show that Laurel's producing, and lays into her for using Dave for "midnight booty calls" while dating a more professional guy behind his back. Slightly embarrassed at this confrontation WHERE SHE WORKS, Laurel seems flustered. "I'm putting myself out there for you, and you're acting like I'm running an escort service!" says Kate, as we all struggle mightily to figure out just how what she does differs from an escort service. Didn't Kate offer Victoria a massage earlier? Come on. A MASSAGE? Anyway, Laurel defends herself by saying that she likes them both, yet manages to come across like even more of a classist snob as she says that her and Dave's worlds are so far apart. "Listen to yourself. What are you, royalty?" asks Kate. Laurel begs Kate not to ruin it for her, since she's having the best sex of her life. "We're talking multiple…" she starts, with Kate thankfully cutting her off and telling her Dave isn't under the impression that what they have is just sex. Kate adds that if that's what it is, then fine, but Laurel shouldn't expect any more help from her. She even offers to refund Laurel's money. "Kate, please. I want to do this," she says. "Then you have to play by my rules," says Kate, telling Laurel that these guys are "catches" and Kate doesn't want Laurel leading them on. Laurel says okay, but then adds that she's seeing both of them tonight and will make her decision afterwards. "You better," says Kate, "or I'll have to decide for you." And she turns on her heel and stomps off. Commercials.
McDonald's new ad campaign? With all due respect, gentlemen, I ain't lovin' it.
It's the most pleasant and amiable divorce ever, as Kate introduces Nick to Gabby and Peter as her counterpart to make sure both their interests are looked after. They pleasantly and amiably thank him, and he says he's always pleased to serve as a counterpart. Gabby, looking over the agreement, says she noticed that Peter gets more for the house. Nick helpfully explains that Peter contributed the $75,000 down payment, so he should get the first $75,000 of profit. Peter's uncomfortable with this, saying he only had the money because he was working while Gabby was still going to school, and he considers it her house too. Nick informs Peter that, according to California law, it's not. Peter clucks that that doesn't seem appropriate. He asks what Gabby thinks, and she's noncommittal as well, going so far as to say that it's not up to her and they can split if he really wants to. He does. Nick is not pleased. "You didn't even need lawyers at all. You could just put all your money in a big pile and divvied it up, dollar for dollar," he says, prompting Kate to talk to him outside.
"Stop talking," she warns him, and he calls the situation absurd, and when he expresses his all-encompassing faith in the law, Kate points out that the couple has chosen to work around the law. Nick says she's only okay with it because his guy is getting screwed. "Nobody's getting screwed! That's the whole point!" she says, and I thought maybe she was going to make some joke about the lack of marital heat, but she's too nice for that. She just tells Nick not to mess it up, because Peter and Gabby are acting like adults, but Nick is positive Peter has an agenda. Back in the meeting room, they move on to the timeshare, which is in only Peter's name, a fact that Peter calls a "fluke," earning another outburst from Nick, who complains that this isn't a divorce, it's a "lotto jackpot giveaway," and Kate does her best to boot him out of the meeting room and apologizes to Peter and Gabby, because her colleague doesn't believe a marriage can end without conflict. And Gabby all out-of-left-field snottily says, "There's never been any conflict in this marriage, I don't know why it would start now." "Excuse me?" says a somewhat surprised Peter. And Gabby lays into him for always agreeing with her about everything. "You want to seem like this nice guy, when the reality is you're phenomenally passive-aggressive." Nick agrees with that. Peter, however, can't believe what he's hearing, and starts to get more than a little upset when she calls him a milquetoast instead of the take-charge guy she met. "You've turned into your father!" she says, which must be some kind of insult, because he responds by saying he must have married his mother, because Gabby has turned into a "ball-buster," which is probably as risqué as the language on this show is going to get. ["Maybe according to Frank Sinatra. Do any non-members of the Rat Pack call women 'ball-busters' anymore?" -- Sars] Gabby starts to sputter about being compared to that "nasty, manipulative…" but Kate cuts her off before anybody is in danger of actually hearing a swear word. She tells them to calm down, that the marriage doesn't have to end this way because they're best friends, and Gabby tells her to "get over it." She adds, "You know he only asked me to marry him because he's lazy?" and he says, "Well, you were lazy enough to say yes!" and I really don't know what they're getting at, as they bicker into the sunset.
"The Look of Love" plays over whizzing L.A. traffic. At a place named Vespa, Laurel and Michael enjoy coffee and being upwardly mobile people who unsnobbishly like sushi. And then night turns to day, and a sleeping Laurel is awoken by a shirtless Peachy bringing her coffee and nuzzling her. The phone rings, and Peachy answers. So this is his place? The peach farmer's doing all right for himself, if you ask me. It's Kate, taking a wild shot in the dark that Laurel might be there. When Laurel gets on the phone, Kate asks her if she doesn't have a job, since maybe she doesn't even trust Laurel to go to work now that she's found her thrill on Peach Cobbler Hill. Laurel explains that the office opens late, as if this matters at all. Kate asks if Laurel's made a decision, and since Peachy's busy grazing on her, she giggles and says, "We're working on it, but thanks for checking in." So Kate invites her to the Saturday Night Dateless Thing or whatever, without mentioning the whole "dateless" requirement, so I think you know what she's up to. She hangs up, and Claire beeps her to let her know the DNA lab is on line two. "Oh!" says Kate, as in, "Oh, yeah! My REAL job!"
Over at the Kopy King, Aaron is wearing his short-sleeved shirt and a tie while doing various copy-store duties when Kate walks in. Since Aaron is a central-casting "slacker," he says things like "What's up?" instead of hello. He steels himself for Kate's news, and by "steels himself" I mean "stares blankly." Kate can barely contain herself. "Congratulations," she squeaks. "You're a dad!" Aaron is either deeply anguished, ambivalent, or ecstatic. It's hard to tell with him. Certainly, Kate hasn't noticed that Aaron isn't exactly doing cartwheels around the Kopy King, and she tells him she's already been in touch with Marla's lawyer to arrange for immediate visitation. And she's a little surprised when Aaron doesn't think that's a good idea. He's going to let Marla's fiancé adopt the baby so the kid can grow up in a nice home and have a regular life. Kate decides to cross right over from "lawyer" to "buttinsky" and asks him, "Who's to say what's a regular life?" Aaron's wondering if he should have even started this whole process in the first place. Kate's jaw actually drops. "Aaron, don't let her manipulate you!" Damn right, Kate! That's your job! She gives him a lot of hoo-hah about how neither Marla nor Aaron himself knows what kind of dad Aaron will be, and she asks him to let her arrange at least one visit. "See how it goes, how it feels. Then decide." He ponders this a moment, and by "ponders" I mean "looks blank." Then he says he has to get back to work. Damn right. Lousy goldbricker. That copier's not going to unjam itself.
Commercials. I used to think I was a pretty happy guy, but that was before I realized I don't own a bleach pen.
Dateless Saturday Night. Kate shows up at the Only Bar, makes a big show of fighting her way through a teeming throng of people, and is all freaked out by the time she gets up to the bar. "What's all this?" she asks Victoria. "It's all you! What did you do?" screeches Victoria. I would like to ask a few questions myself. Chief among them: Have you ever been in a bar on a Saturday night? This is not that busy. And second, if you thought the place was going to be dead, why would you go there for your fun night out? Anyway, Kate says she only told five people, and we get a lesson in phone trees or something when Victoria theorizes that those five people must have told others, and then we get this inane bit where Kate doesn't believe Victoria, so she snags some guy and asks him if there's some sort of party going on, and he says it's a singles thing: Dateless Saturday Night. "Ha!" says Victoria, and I guess the good people of L.A. jumped at the chance to attend a singles event, since they're so rare and all.
Peachy strolls through the crowd and puts his arms around Laurel, who didn't know he was coming. He says Kate just called him a few hours ago, and Laurel looks a little mystified, and I guess Peachy must have figured that Kate was hosting two parties tonight -- the dateless one she invited him to earlier, and this one.
Somehow Fox Daddy has found out about the party, and he sidles up to Kate and wonders if he's got everything figured out: her friend Laurel pays her to improve Laurel's love life, Kate calls a few friends, and the result is this last-minute crazy party? Kate, practically drunk already, says that's correct. Jerrold calls it an "untapped cash cow" and says Kate needs to formalize it. Ah, one of his trademark changes of heart! But Kate decides to get smart, and asks, "What about my hard-assed boss, who expects me to be lawyering eighty hours a week to pay for his pretty little offices?" Am I nuts, or did they work this all out at the end of last week? Well, whatever. Jerrold spells it out: "Well, I expect he'll just take his cut and turn a blind eye."
And in what I guess is supposed to constitute the drama in this week's offering, Michael's arriving at the party, kissing Laurel on the cheek and talking about leaving a message on her phone, wondering about doing something. And he can't help but notice a suspicious Peachy looking at him, and a flustered Laurel introduces them. Peachy's either glaring at Michael or checking him out. Not the strongest of performances from this week's guest stars, I have to say. Michael extricates himself by going for a drink, giving Peachy the chance to grill Laurel. "What's the deal?" he says. "Are you seeing that guy also?" And stuff like that, as Laurel first tries to pretend there's nothing going on, then just says she and Michael went on a couple of dates, and she didn't even know she and Peachy had an actual thing, it's only been a week, and so forth. And Peachy, with all the emotion he can muster (slightly above comatose), points out that she's "slept over" about four times, like he's estimating here, and says he guesses it didn't mean anything. "Don't say that!" says Laurel. "Fine. And here I think I'm falling for ya." And he smirks or something and walks away.
And it looks like Gabby and Peter were invited to the singles night as well, but Peter informs Gabby that he only stopped by to tell her his passive-aggressive days are over, and she can barely say "good for you" for scanning the crowd for guys slightly less dweeby-looking than her soon-to-be-ex-husband. For starters, says Peter, he's taking the house: "And I'd just appreciate you getting all your crap out of it tomorrow so I can get on with my life." Now it's Gabby's turn to give a shocked "Ex-cuse me?" And in this supposedly way overcrowded bar, Fox Daddy and Kate manage to hear and see everything as the two of them bicker their way right on out of the bar. Kate grabs Nick, who is lying to some woman about six inches taller than he is about how much he loves Pilates ("I just Pilateed this morning," he explains). Nick makes a joke about Kate trying to get him alone, but the first thing I noticed was that I have never seen quite that many buttons on a shirt before. Kate tells him they're looking for Peter and Gabby, "before they kill each other." But they locate Peter and Gabby, and they're not killing each other; they're making out on a bench. Kate starts cooing, saying she knew they were a good couple, but the charming Nick says that this is just "a prelude to a bye-bye bang." Nick gets their attention long enough for Peter to demonstrate that he has become Assertive Again by calling off the divorce, and Kate teases Nick with a sing-song, "You saved a marriage." "Take that back!" yells a clearly dismayed Nick. Oh, all right. Heh. And nothing says marital bliss like steel drums, which take us into the scene.
Kate's telling Marla's lawyer that she appreciates the "expedited schedule" and she knows Aaron does too. But the lawyer harrumphs that it's against her better judgment since Nick couldn't even attend the meeting, which Kate attributes to a "work emergency." "What, did they run out of three-holed paper?" says Marla. Now that was funny, but Kate wonders why she doesn't ease up on him. Is "ease up on him" some sort of legal thing? And finally, someone tells Kate to mind her own business. Undaunted, Kate lectures her on how Aaron just wants to do the right thing, and Marla and her lawyer stomp off under such a withering attack.
Turns out the "work emergency" was a cover-up on Kate's part, as she is now leaving messages for Aaron, identifying herself as his attorney, "who just totally went to bat for you," like, maybe he's not returning her calls because he can't believe he hired a lawyer who talks like a Valley Girl. After she explains that Aaron's son is going to be coming over for a visit, her phone beeps, and it's Laurel, whining about how Peachy left without saying goodbye and is now not answering his phone. Apparently not in the mood for this, Kate gives Laurel a good tongue-lashing of her own, telling Laurel that if she wants Peachy back, she's going to have to work for it, and she hangs up.
Then she goes for coffee with Michael and lies to his face by apologizing and saying that she didn't know about the whole situation, but he's doing his I'm-a-way-cool-and-understanding-guy routine and says things weren't really happening anyway, which is I guess what you might say if you're interested in someone and think things are going somewhere, only to find out she's been eating peaches on the side. And he says that when things "click," he'll know. Kate asks when things last clicked for him, and he says when he was at Stanford, and launches into a story about how he managed to fall in love with a Berkeley student at a football game. Kate gets all doe-eyed as he talks about this, and she's all, "You were in love!" because -- get this -- Michael used to make the supreme sacrifice of taking a bus after his car broke down. Anyway, since he's had the real thing, he knows pretty quickly when it's not there. And the Cliff Notes version is that they broke up after university because she wanted to get married and he didn't, so that kind of makes me wonder about his blah-blahing about how he's had the real thing. And then she wound up marrying his best friend, even. "So I guess that makes me a matchmaker too!" he says, and they both laugh at his annoying little joke.
Kate's awakened by Ramon, who has called to ask her if she's still looking for "that long-haired rocker dude," and meanwhile Ramon is RIGHT THERE with Aaron, so I would hope Ramon knows that Kate is looking for Aaron, since I don't think private investigators spend a lot of time finding people on spec, and Aaron is in some sort of fish-packing plant and he explains that he took a second job, and Kate tells him about the visit, which Aaron wants to push back until noon because he won't get paid unless he finishes this shift, so Kate whiningly agrees, and the whole time Aaron is looking off-screen like he's reading his lines from cue cards. "But Aaron, please. Noon," says Kate.
The day, Kate's hammering on Aaron's front door, with the ever-helpful Marla and Marla's lawyer whining the whole time, with the lawyer saying they should just let the court work out a visitation schedule, but Kate says that could take weeks. At any rate, Aaron finally opens the door, and he's covered in paint. Marla tells him that he looks like hell, and I'm kind of starting to wonder what he ever saw in this insufferable harpy in the first place. Aaron just says he was in the back, and invites them in. Marla's lawyer looks disdainfully around the house, even though it's actually pretty good for the long-haired rocker slob he's been made out to be, and Marla finally hands over Tyler to Aaron, telling Aaron to support Tyler's head. Kate beams. Meanwhile, someone cranks up the Coldplay, while Marla says Aaron better have diapers, and wanders off -- right into a brand-new, fully stocked nursery. Aaron finally cracks a smile as he looks at his cute widdle baby, and he thanks Kate. Have I explained how much I hate shows featuring do-gooders who need to be thanked for their benevolence at the end of every episode? Yeah. Anyway, Marla and Aaron are obviously going to be getting back together.
And Coldplay works magic over at the farmers' market too, where Laurel is showing up to apologize to Peachy's penis. She's brought him a peach pie, which she calls an "offering to the peach gods, with apologies for the burned crust." She blah blahs about how she wants to give them a try, and he makes sure she means with no one else in the picture, and she says yes, so he smiles. And just when you're starting to like Laurel, she nervously asks him if he's planning to run a peach stand for the rest of his life. "Does it matter?" says Peachy. "I suppose not," says Laurel, who has certainly learned her lesson after receiving her comeuppance. Woman, humble thyself at the feet of Peachy!
Back over at Kopy King, a non-Aaron employee is telling Kate that Aaron said it was cool to give her the employee discount, like, is Aaron the boss over there now? And the non-Aaron winks at Kate while he says this, like, thanks for making the most of your little screen time with one little line there, guy; I'm sure this will lead to big things for you. So what did Kate use her fraudulent employee discount for? Business cards, with "Attorney at law/Matchmaker" written on them. I'm sure Patrick Bateman will be quite impressed.