Marin drives up to her house, a tray of takeout coffee and a couple of clear plastic bakery boxes beside her. Because Elmo totally has a place that sells takeout coffee and fresh(-ish) pastry. But whatever: she pulls up at her house, where a couple of vehicles are already parked. The rest is a complete ripoff of Music Of The Heart, not that anyone on earth knows that except me and Wes Craven; even Meryl Streep has forgotten about that shit. The idea is that, as a female homeowner, Marin is so worried about making sure the guys in her construction crew like her that she spends too much effort bringing them treats and acting like everything's cool, and too little making sure they actually do work. Like, today, the house is in shambles, and the dudes are sitting out back, playing cards, and Marin just asks them nicely to unclog the chimney, leaves them their continental breakfast, and flits off. Way to crack the whip, Coach.
Buzz's. George and Buzz are reconnecting, with only a trace of awkwardness; George doesn't think they should be estranged anymore, now that he's grown up. Patrick enters with Mai, who fusses warmly all over George, who seems tickled by her, as most gay men would be. Every day with her is like a tiny Cher concert.
Chieftain. Jerome exposits, by way of giving Ben shit, that Theresa will be throwing a baby shower at Ben's. Jerome doesn't want to go, because he thinks it will be ridden with talk of diapers and lady parts, and says he thought baby showers were for ladies anyway. Lynn says that if she didn't make the event co-ed, it would just be four women, and you know how that ends: two have a pillow fight, one drinks all the booze, and the last one ends up with an eating disorder.
Port of Elmo. Jane enjoys the morning from the deck of Sam's boat; he brings her coffee, and exposits that she's set to leave the day. Both agree that she's had a great visit, and then it dawns on her that she doesn't need to go to her office to work; she's "a walking wireless device." And then, to celebrate that she'll be staying in Elmo for another week, there is canoodling.
Chieftain. Jane rejoices that she and Marin can have drinks after work, and that they'll get so much more done once they're in the same time zone. Marin says that at least one area of her life will be productive: she loudly bitches about her crappy contractors. Theresa comments that Marin isn't much of a taskmaster; she's had Theresa making burgers for her crew all week. She defends that she's just trying to be nice, and that her guys are being rude. "Maybe that's your problem," says some dude down the bar, playing chess with Sara. Marin's like, "Who the hell are you, punk?" He says his name is Cash. "Short for 'Cassius'!" chirps Sara. Heh. Cash basically reads Marin's beads for her, much as I did above: she's nice when she should be bossy. Sara tells Marin not to listen to Cash, since he lives in a tent. Cash corrects her that it's a portable home. Marin says that she's just trying to be nice. Cash is like, "Where does that get you?" "Where does being rude get you?" snaps Marin. Anyway, she's not about to take any advice from a drifter, though. And frankly, Cash isn't really selling said advice with Scott Elrod's shitty acting.
At this point, Lynn appears, wanting to talk to Marin, who is grateful for an excuse to start pretending to ignore Cash. Jane excuses herself to take a call, and Lynn gives Marin an invitation to her baby shower. After a moment, Marin enthusiastically accepts, because she still thinks she and Lynn can and should be friends, because she's an idiot.
Inn. Jane books a room for the week, so she can work in it. Patrick hurries to pour her coffee, and Jane, saying she likes his moxie, asks if he wants to be her assistant for a week: "How are you at PowerPoint?" Patrick plants his feet, and then whips his arm up, pointing very aggressively across the room. Hee. Jane tells him they'll put him in a training program. Man, don't learn PowerPoint -- people will start expecting you to use it.
Marin enters; Jane explains about the new location of her office. George comes in , and there are introductions all around. Once the brothers have left, the girls settle down at the kitchen table, and Marin busts out the shower invitation; Jane says that Sam got one too. Marin says that Lynn probably only gave it to her to be polite, but doesn't really want her there. Jane's feeling is, essentially, who cares? She's only planning to go with Sam so that she can glare at Lynn and make her feel bad. Marin likes her thinking, and says that's unnecessary. She thinks that if she doesn't go, everyone will know she's uncomfortable. Jane counters that she'll be uncomfortable if she does go, but Marin says that even if she is, no one will see that, as she buys the perfect gift and so on. She says that's the polite thing to do: "Isn't it?" Jane says she doesn't do etiquette. Eh, you do cover most of your bases with glares.
Radio station. There's chat about the Buzz/George reunion, and the big family dinner that will be happening that night. Marin asks whether Patrick doesn't worry that it's going to get awkward, but Patrick says that if you do a good deed, you get a good reward. Marin considers this, and then uses it to kick off the radio show for which she apparently does absolutely no preparation ever, asking her listeners whether nice guys and girls necessarily always finish last. Can we just all agree that there's a difference between "nice" and "chump"?
Buzz's. Mai lays out a ton of food, and Buzz starts the dinner conversation by asking what George does. Turns out he runs a chain of fat camps for kids. Buzz says that George's wife must be proud of him for working with kids, but George says he doesn't have one. "Your girlfriend, then," attempts Buzz. "No, Buzz, I'm gay," says George matter-of-factly. The camera cuts to Mai, who doesn't even look up from dishing up her dinner as she nods and smiles knowingly. Hee hee. Buzz tries to act like he's okay with this news, though the violent choking on his beer sort of gives him away.
After the credits, only George and Annie are still at the table. He tells her he won't be offended if she also takes off to go gossip, but she tells him that she's from New York: "I love your people." "And I love your skin," sighs George. They grin and clink wineglasses, but we cut away before they can start talking about which of Elmo's waxers is the most reputable...
...and go out to the stairs, where Patrick, Buzz, and Mai have convened. Mai says she knew George was gay as soon as she saw his cashmere socks, and reminds Buzz that he was fine five minutes ago. Buzz heads off to prove that he can be enlightened, leaving Patrick and Mai alone. Mai cheers that she always wanted a "fabulous gay friend," and that now she can be just like Karen from Will & Grace. There are worse role models a woman could have, I feel. Patrick checks that Mai still likes him, and she says she does, but "the white straight man gets enough attention." It's really true -- they're spreading like kudzu!
Back in the dining room, George tells Buzz he didn't mean to "throw [Buzz] for a loop." Buzz says that it takes a lot to rattle him, but then goes back to desperately chugging his beer.
Inn. Jane is working in her temporary office when Sam steals in behind her, making with the snog. She tells him he's hot, but that she needs to work. He tells her that it's 1 PM, and that she can at least take an hour's break for lunch, but she tells him that was when she was on vacation, and that she has "to keep New York time if this is going to work." Good point! It's 5 PM in New York. Tell him you'll be done in an hour and a half. But Sam just slinks off sadly to let Jane work, and wonder if he'll ever be able to explain to her how time zones work.
Chieftain. Buzz comes in, announcing to the room, "This is my gay son, George." As the two sit down at the bar, George mutters that he doesn't have to try so hard, but accepts a beer, on the house, from Ben. Jerome whines that gays get to drink free, saying that he'll hold Ben's hand for a minute if it'll get him free suds, but Ben says that it's because George is Buzz's son. This segues to Jerome asking some ignorant but well-meaning questions about the gay lifestyle, like who makes the first move. George says that his people are "more direct than the straights," and hook up, or don't, as they wish. Sam suggests that if you want to go out with a guy, you could just go ice-fishing; George says he prefers ice dancing, but that they get the idea. George tells Buzz, "This is nice," and Buzz is like, "I just wanted you to meet all my friends! I'm not ashamed of you at all!"
Elmo General Store. Marin is shopping for a hammer when she runs into Cash. He asks if she lost her crew, and she says it's something like that: "You must be loving this." He's wondering how she's going to renovate her whole house with a hammer, and she brandishes a screwdriver: "I'm getting other things!" Cash decides he doesn't care, and takes off...
...and Marin goes around the aisle and runs into Jack. They awkward for a second, and she asks if he's getting stuff for the shower. He says he is, and she asks if she can bring anything. "You're coming?" asks Jack. Marin shifts for a second, and then says she was invited. Jack's like, "Yeah, totally," and then they part before the moment gets any more uncomfortable.
Inn. George helps Patrick practise answering the phone as Jane's assistant. Patrick asks how George got such kick-ass phone skills, and George preens that he was a host at Casa de Pasta. "You're so worldly!" squeals Patrick. Hee. Just then, Marin enters, trying to get some enormous crate through the front door -- it's her baby present for Lynn, and for some reason they take it upstairs to her room when it's just going to go out again when the shower actually happens.
But anyway, in the Presidential Suite, Marin uncrates the gift. Jane crosses through the bathroom, complaining about the racket, and basically tells Marin that she can't buy people's love, and that no one's making any gigantic gestures to Marin in return. This deflates Marin slightly, but it shouldn't. People will totally like you more if you buy them presents -- they just have to be the right presents. And obviously burgers and baked goods weren't the right ones for the construction crew; they might still be there if she'd brought beer.
Sam's. Jane bursts in, yammering away on her cell phone, and kicks off her shoes, which is exactly when a mouse runs over her toes. She briefly freaks out, but manages to end her call before turning on Sam. He's unconcerned about it, but when she brings up the notion of a trap, Sam announces that he's not going to kill it, and further adds that since Jane's been working, she's a lot less fun. Jane spits that mice aren't fun. Sam sighs that the mouse is gone, so they can't do anything about it for the night. He asks if she wants dinner, and she hobbles into the galley, trying to to touch any part of the floor that a mouse might be involved with, and the topic of Jane's pissy attitude when she's in work mode seems to be dropped for the time being.
Mai's. George is having fun with Mai, modeling a purple matador jacket she has up in her eBay store. She takes off to get some pictures of Buzz to show him, and George, alone with Buzz, tells him he has a good woman in Mai. Buzz says that George's mother was a good woman, too. George quietly tells Buzz that he doesn't have to say that, but Buzz insists that she really was; it was a mesy divorce, and she didn't want him to see George. And then, as we always knew he would, he unfortunately adds that if he'd been around when George was growing up, George might have turned out different. George, knowing the answer, asks what he means, and Buzz euphemises that he "might have had a different lifestyle." George shrugs off his coat, hissing at Buzz that he's being ignorant. Buzz tries to explain what he means, but George gets the last word, saying the best thing about not having Buzz in his life was never having to worry about disappointing his dad. But the best thing about having Buzz in his life could end up being free air travel!
Radio station. Patrick's Djing a non-Marin show when George comes by to say he's cutting his trip short. He wanted to see himself in his father's eyes, but that didn't really work out as he'd hoped. Patrick says that if George leaves, he'll always have unanswered questions about his family. George agrees to stay -- but only if they change the music from the '80s rock block Patrick's in the process of playing.
"I'm Gonna Keep On Loving You" is still blaring out as Jane works at the Inn. She flips through the MS in her hands, and then tosses it and crosses into Marin's room, saying she can't work. Marin can't either, and asks what Jane's excuse is. Jane says she doesn't "know if this is going to work." Marin thinks she means technologically, but Jane says she's talking about Sam: "There's a mouse in the house." "Is that code?" asks Marin. Hee! Jane says that he was all mellow about the mouse, and asks what the point is of being with a "mountain man if he won't kill." Marin philosophically says that "everyone's different on vacation," and Jane says that she doesn't know if "Real World Jane" is compatible with "Real World Plow Guy." She complains that he's so breezy, whereas she's more of a gale-force wind. Marin says she thought the two of them balanced each other out. But she goes to bed early and he parties all night!
General Store. Annie and Patrick are shopping, Patrick having just told her that George is going to stay. Annie says that they need to celebrate in style. Patrick, indicating a display of chintzy-looking favours, says that their resources are limited, but Annie says that she knows how to entertain a gay man on a budget: "They're charmed by my vintage yet eclectic style." Their conversation is interrupted, though, by the sound of Terry, across the store, complaining to an unseen clerk that he can't eat elk for six months straight; he needs anti-oxidants. Peering at him through a gap in the shelf, Annie grins at her own brilliance.
Cut to Annie and Patrick entering the bowling alley with George. They spot Terry, checking his watch. As Annie rushes over to exchange cheek-kisses with Terry, George asks how far Patrick had to go to find the other gay man in Alaska. Patrick obliviously says that he just came from one town over! Hee. Annie brings Terry over, and he complains that he should have known this was going to be a date so he could do some bicep curls. George says it's offensive for Annie and Patrick to think this set-up would work just because they're both gay, though they quickly establish that George is not a Scorpio, and that Terry loves opera. George and Terry take off to act put-upon instead of interested in each other, and Annie tells Patrick that no one's offended. Certainly not -- at least one viewer just really wants to go bowling now.
Marin pulls up at her house and curiously approaches, seeing the lights on. Inside, she sees a fire blazing in the fireplace, and several heavy-duty lights set up. She calls out to see if anyone's there, but there's no answer. Hearing splashes, she opens the bathroom door and sees Cash in the tub, exfoliating his feet. For someone who makes herself out to be such an unflappable guy's girl, that sure was a big overreaction to seeing a naked dude getting his loofah on.
After commercials, Marin has turned her back as she asks what Cash is doing there. Cash corrects her, saying she should be asking whether his bath means that the plumbing's working. Marin is briefly distracted by her excitement at this plumbing news, but quickly gets back to her topic, which is what he's doing there. Cash says he felt bad that she wasn't getting any work done on the house, so he did some, got dirty, and took a bath. Marin asks whether it didn't occur to him that he was trespassing, but he says that it's the dead of winter, and that a roof's a roof. He offers to finish the renovation on the house, if Marin will let him live there until the work is done. Marin says she isn't prepared to haggle with a "naked, homeless lunatic," and Cash grins, "But you're thinking about it, right?" Marin demands that he get out of the tub, and Cash tries again to win the argument just by whipping it out. It seems like it kind of works.
Post-bowling, Annie and Patrick walk out ahead of Terry and George, who are plainly getting along quite well. Annie lets out a huge fake yawn, so that she and Patrick can leave the gays alone. "Subtle," cracks Terry, and George adds that if Patrick were an event, it would be the Running of the Bulls. Really? To me, he's more like Bambi taking his first steps on the ice. Anyway, there's chat about the stars, and then the guys share The Look, but George seems to be the one not to engage, and he tells Terry that he'll see him around town, clapping him on the shoulder before taking off. Dude, your dad's not here. Smooch a hairdresser, why don't you.
Sam's. Jane and Sam silently eat dinner, until Sam finally says he's sorry he called Jane bossy. She says he's right; she is bossy. She suddenly starts giggling, and we see that the mouse (or one of its friends) is crawling over her foot. She thinks he's playing footsie, but when Sam says he isn't, she quickly realizes what's actually going on and leaps up, hysterically asking whether he doesn't ever "feel bad living like this." Sam, wounded, says he didn't until just now, and as he lets that sink in, he says he's going to bed. No sugar tonight in Jane's coffee.
Chieftain. Terry stomps over to bark at Annie and Patrick that they owe him four dollars, for the two slices of pizza and 800 empty calories he ate after his failed date. Patrick says he thought George and Terry hit it off, but Terry says that he got "the shoulder squeeze," which apparently is Gay for "not gonna happen." Buzz asks whether Patrick set George up with "this...man," and Terry snaps that Buzz needs to watch it. Buzz says that George is a good man, and Terry tartly asks how he'd know, having just met him five minutes ago. Buzz says that George is to be commended for the work he does with kids, and tells Terry about the fat camps, like that wouldn't have come up last night. Terry considers this, and seems quite moved, but finally drifts out, saying that George is a "big fat winner." Cashmere makes us all look like winners.
Port of Elmo. Jane comes up to Sam, asking what he wanted to show her. Turns out, he caught the mouse, and has it, alive, in his hands. Normally, he'd let the mouse leave on its own, but he wants it to work with Jane, so he caught it, for her: "This way, it's humane." But just as they're having a kiss on it, a bird of prey zooms out of the sky and scoops up a snack. Mickey, we hardly knew ye.
Inn. George is in the lobby, leafing through a guidebook, when Terry enters, demanding, "Why didn't you tell me?" He recaps Buzz's spirited defense of George back at the Chieftain, and says that he was a childhood fattie himself, and that knowing George is out there saving kids' lives makes his knees buckle. George whispers that he was a childhood fattie, too, and Terry asks if that's why he didn't touch Terry the other night. George says that "it takes two to tango," and then both fish for compliments about their love handles and back fat until the whole exchange ends in a chaste, Gay Matt-worthy hug. Keep your mouths to yourselves, gents!
Shower. Marin struggles to get her gigantic crate (which she's wrapped, in fifteen rolls of paper) to Ben's front door.
Inside, Marin's gift completely dominates the room. Jane calls it her "Trojan horse." Marin says that Jane was right, and begs her to add her name to the card, but Jane wisely refuses. She tells Marin about the mouse, and how bad she feels: the mouse got eaten alive, and now, she fears, their relationship is being eaten alive, too. Marin hands her a cookie, saying that she might feel better after biting the head off a baby, and heads off to get them both some booze to wash it down.
Across the room, Marin runs into Sara at the punch bowl. Marin makes polite small talk about Sara's kid (he's back from his grandma's), and then Sara notes that this must be awkward for Marin. Sheepishly, Marin asks whether it's written all over her face, but Sara says it's actually written all over that huge thing Marin wheeled in. Sure, until Lynn busts open the crate and thousands of lizards crawl out!
Gifts get opened. Things are small and cute; Jerome's gift is vodka. Lynn and Jack finally get around to opening Marin's gift, an enormous Bugaboo. Oh, Bugaboo. Nemesis of narrow Starbucks stores all over this city. Moms, I don't care if you choose to insulate your baby in a stroller the size of a golf cart, but try to have some awareness that other people exist and don't park it freaking SIDEWAYS. Anyway, everyone enthuses over Marin's gift; Jerome says it looks expensive, and Mai blurts that it's $879.00, saying she saw it online. Marin gets horribly embarrassed by her inappropriate gift, saying that they can return it for cash, or she can return it and give them the cash, and finally just picks up the stroller and rolls it out of the room while all the other guests try not to look directly at the crazy lady.
After commercials, Buzz is helping himself to a beer when George comes over and thanks him for what he said to Terry. He adds that now isn't the moment when he's going to hug Buzz and call him "Dad," but that he wanted to meet Buzz, and now he has. Buzz asks when they'll actually get to know each other. George says he has to get back to his life. Buzz suggests that George write a letter, and George agrees that he could do that. Looking around for something to say, Buzz comments, "Baby shower," and says that's not something George will ever have to deal with. George patiently says that gay men can have children, and says he has some books he can send Buzz. One of them should be Screening Party.
Lynn finds Marin standing alone on a balcony. "Your gift--" says Lynn. Marin says she knows it was ridiculous, and Lynn says it was really great, but that Marin shouldn't feel that she needs to do things like that. Marin didn't want things to be awkward between them, but Lynn asks if she doesn't think things will always be kind of awkward between them. Marin finally admits that she does think so, and that she bought that gift so that Lynn would like her. Lynn says that she only gave Marin the invitation because she thought she had to, but that she didn't expect Marin to show up. Marin sadly says that she really does think the two of them would have been friends in another universe, and Lynn says that maybe they shouldn't try so hard in this one. Marin babbles that she likes Lynn and wishes her the best, and quickly realizes that she's doing it again: "Can I go?" Lynn says that Marin doesn't need her permission for that. I would have also accepted "Please do."
Sam's. Jane and Sam are sitting stiffly in bed when Jane announces, "I'm the hawk!" She thinks that Sam is the mouse, just trying to live his life all mellow and shit, and she's the hawk, descending upon him and ruining his life. Sam says he thought they worked because they are so different, but Jane says she's different when she's working. Sam says he is who he is, and Jane agrees that he's Vacation Sam all the time. He says he thought things would be different, and she Bradshaws that maybe this wasn't a relationship: "Maybe it was a vacationship." BOOOOOOOO.
Marin walks up to Cash's tent, and he comes to the doorway shirtless. In the snow. In Alaska. In February. And because we're supposed to believe this tool could actually rival Jack for Marin's affections, she accepts his offer to work on her house. They shake on it, and she says that the new Marin doesn't care if she and Cash are friends.
Wrap-up time! As kids, we're taught to share, eat our vegetables, and if we have nothing nice to say, we should say nothing at all. But when we bite our tongues, we know each other less (Buzz and his boys share a beer at the Chieftain). "To spare someone's feelings, we hide our own." Sam helps Jane carry all her luggage down to the dock, to see her off, and tells her, "For the record, Jane, I was falling in love with you." Jane's face falls, but she covers with a fake laugh, telling him he's only making this harder. They peck chastely, and she walks to the plane, muttering to herself, "I love you too." "Being honest may not make you the most popular girl in the schoolyard, but it will earn you respect." Lynn and Jack work on thank-you notes at the Chieftain, Jack signing, "Thanks, Coach" in Marin's. At her house, Marin looks around to see it coming together well, but opens the bedroom door only to have the knob come off in her hand. She arches an eyebrow and hands it to Cash, as her voice-over says that when nice girls learn to respect themselves, they always finish first. I'll believe it when she can flush her toilet.