Marin aggressively plays ping-pong with Patrick. At the Chieftain, she slides a beer down the bar to Jerome. In Buzz's plane, he gives her the controls. Marin is doing dudely things. This montage wanted you to know.
Sometime later, Marin shoots pool with Jack, excitedly telling him that she was flying the plane. Jack tries to shut her up, saying he needs to concentrate, and then misses his shot, for which she briefly taunts him. Of course, she nails her shot, and her she-nis grows three sizes as he pays up on their bet. Jack asks that they go 2 out of 3, and she happily agrees. This segues to the episode's main topic: Marin's research into the differences between men and women has led her to conclude that she makes a pretty good man -- or at least, she's a guy's girl. She points to all the skills we saw montaged at the top of the hour, but Jack isn't so sure she's come completely over to the dude side. He seems to think that women are obsessive, whereas men hang back and test the waters. Apparently, he's never seen Glark engrossed in a fifteen-hour Counterstrike marathon. Jack adds that Marin still dresses like a girl, and smells like one. Marin dismissively asks whether he's trying to say she smells like flowers. "With a hint of vodka," he adds. Heh. He tells her that it's not a bad thing for her to be girly, to which she responds by whipping out her big balls and going to the bar, gloating that Jack's buying.
At said bar, Marin runs into Sam and Jane, the latter of whom asks if she's winning. Marin gloats that she is, and that it's killing Jack, because men hate to lose -- especially to girls. "Stereotype," coughs Ben. Sam says that there are some things men are just better at. "You did not just say that," says Jane tartly, and Sam immediately backs off. Marin reminds us again about her research, and Jane tells Marin to make sure she doesn't "become one of them," quickly covering to Ben and Jerome that she isn't saying they're not lovely people. Wise, Jane: always keep the millionaire on your side.
Jack's/Celia's. Jack returns from the Chieftain grumbling to Annie that he lost to a girl. Heh. Annie has something she thinks will cheer him up, though: a book of baby names, already festooned with Post-It flags. Flipping through it, Jack asks whether the highlighted names are Annie's favourites, but she quickly corrects him, saying that those are the ones that will get kids mocked. "'Alice'?" asks Jack dubiously. "'Malice.' 'Callous.' 'Phallus.'" Jack comments that Annie's good at coming up with mean nicknames, and Annie thanks him very gravely, explaining that she was "Stinky Fanny Annie" back in the day. Hee! Jack says that he thinks it's too early for them to start thinking about baby names, but Annie reminds him that Lynn's five months along (er, not from what I could see when she had a tank top on in the last episode), and that she herself was "Baby Girl O'Donnell" for the first three weeks of her life: "You don't want to leave little Boy or Girl Slattery out in the cold, do you? Or...whatever Lynn's last name is?" Lynn Tolerable? Lynn Corrigible? Lynn Flammable!
Port of Elmo. Jane hops onto Sam's houseboat, and finds Plow Guy fixing the pump, since she broke the "three sheets" rule and flushed too much paper in the toilet. Oh hell no, three sheets? Guess Jane had better plan not to visit during Shark Week, if you know what I'm saying. Jane offers to help him fix it, since she did break it. Sam starts to say it's man's work, and Jane calls him on it, but when he asks whether she's saying she wants to do it herself, she demurs, but promises sexy favours later. Given the restrictions of their accommodations, I assume they don't involve him eating corn salsa or chili off her stomach.
Inn. Patrick and Annie are daydreaming about their future house, which he would like to model after the one in Clue. Annie agrees, and frankly, so do I. Many's the time I've wished I could relax in a conservatory. Annie goes on to say that she wants kids in their dream house. Patrick is down with that. Annie wants four. Patrick goes catatonic, and frankly, so do I.
New York, by night. Stuart tells Marin that his company's excited about her book, and are looking at a winter release. Marin's psyched, since she's always been a beach read before. Stuart asks what else is new, and Marin tells him about her as-yet unbroken streak on the Chieftain pool table, adding that Jane's concerned that she's going to turn into a dude. Stuart says that he's not concerned, since no man can wear a dress like Marin does. Marin asks whether he was just flirting with her, and Stuart admits that he was, saying that it was inappropriate. Marin tells him she misses being flirted with, so Stuart ups the ante by saying that "dresses are overrated on a woman like" her. Marin glances down at her sweater and pants and purrs that she hates to tell him, but that she's not wearing a dress at the moment. Stuart asks what she is wearing (what is this, Stu, your first attempt at phone sex? Try leading with something that wouldn't occur to your GRANDMA to say). Marin, lying back, replies, "Not much..." Pan up to Abe Lincoln, presiding over all the wireless nookie.
After the credits, we're at the Chieftain, where Marin's reporting to Jane that she's a phone slut. Down the bar, Jerome barks at her to quit bragging about all her phone sex, but Marin protests that she only had phone third base, and then burps. She's horrified, immediately covering her mouth, but Ben is gratified, and Buzz hands Jerome some cash, saying he'd bet it would be spring before Marin "let one go." Marin insists that she doesn't burp (all audible evidence to the contrary), but then sighs to Jane that she's become one of her subjects, a "gorilla in the mist." A gorilla is fine; I don't need to see her big red ass or anything.
Sam's. Jane and Sam are snuggling in bed when he compliments her on smelling better than his lunch (which is only a nice compliment if you know for sure he didn't have liverwurst). She tells him it's her honey/mango moisturizer: "You know about moisturizer, don't you?" He tells her he wasn't born yesterday, and that when his skin gets "all torn up" when he's out on the plow, he softens up with petroleum jelly. Jane, horrified, tells him that'll murder his pores, and slathers his face with a little of her moisturizer. They strike a deal: if he'll teach her about life on a boat, she'll teach him the secrets of "soft, supple skin." He swears her to secrecy, and she agrees, though as they shake on it, she can't help noticing that he could use a cuticle softener. Oh, dude, who couldn't? I have to look away when they work on mine at the nail shop.
Multipurpose hall. Buzz is picking up his mail when Patrick comes in, asking him for a lift to Anchorage so he can go to a sperm bank. Buzz kindly explains that he doesn't have to go to a sperm bank if he wants to have a baby with Annie, and that Celia really should have explained all that to him. Hee! Patrick knows: it's about a donation. Buzz says that if he's really that hard up for money, Patrick should come up with another source of revenue and not "man up all over the place." Ha! But what really happened is that Patrick once sold a sperm sample in college, and now that he and Annie are talking about having kids, he doesn't want his action to be available to other potential parents. Buzz agrees to take Patrick to Anchorage the day, thus sparing the world any more dorks with...that hair.
Marin enters as Buzz and Patrick are hugging it out, and gets right to the radio show. Topic? The man/woman divide. Patrick thinks there are vast biological differences; Marin's not so sure it isn't just a mindset. What makes a man? Extra hair seems to be part of it.
At Jack's, I guess we're supposed to think several months have passed, because Lynn's belly is out to here, whereas it was completely flat in the last episode, when Jane told us she was going to be in Elmo for two weeks. OKAY, WHATEVER. Anyway, Lynn likes "Michael" for a boy, or "Isabella" for a girl. She calls Jack out for ignoring her (though he was at least half-listening, since he correctly repeats the names she likes), and then tells him she has a doctor's appointment the day, and that he could come (instead of Theresa, already lined up to accompany her) and meet the doctor. Jack pleads overwork, and Lynn says it's okay and trudges over to the couch to stare balefully at Jack's back and muse about how much warmer she would be right now if she had gone to Vancouver.
Sam's. Jane ties knots; Sam wears a masque. She's frustrated at the difficulty; he's frustrated by the pain of his drying masque. That is a hassle, though it's fun to smile really hard when you have one on and see where all the wrinkles will be when you're ooooooold.
Fancy hotel. Stuart's checking in when Marin calls, apologizing for anything unladylike she might have said the night before. Stuart replies with his own apology for anything "untoward" he uttered; both seem cool with the chat, though. Turns out he's at a corporate retreat in Idaho: a token meeting or two, and then lots of skiing. He suggests that Marin come, and though she's taken aback to be invited on an overnight ski trip, he says she could have her own room if she decided to stay. He says he thinks that getting to know her is an amazing opportunity, and Marin, totally smitten, agrees to go. Stuart says he'll send a plane to Sitka to pick her up. You know, I think I'd go on a ski retreat with anyone if they sent a plane to get me. Seriously. Anyone. Even Bruce Vilanch.
Inn. Marin's on her way out -- Jane telling her all the while that she doesn't approve of Marin's fraternization with her publisher -- when she runs into Jack, returning a juicer he borrowed from Patrick to make juice for Lynn. Noting Marin's bags, he asks if she's going away. She tries to downplay it, but Jane makes sure Jack knows it's a "ski date." Jack's all, "Good for you" and "Have fun," and leaves. Marin crabs at Jane for busting her on her ski date, and Jane's like, "Whatever. He's making juice for his pregnant girlfriend." Heh. What kind of fruit do they have in Elmo to make juice from, though? I'm thinking canned peaches, and I don't like it.
Buzz flies Patrick to Anchorage. Talk of the children Patrick may never know he fathered turns to talk of Buzz's estranged son, George. Buzz didn't man up, George grew up, and the window closed on any possibility of their having a relationship. OR DID IT?!
Idaho. Stuart finds Marin in the lobby, where she shows off the cute little ski outfit she's assembled. She warns him that she'll probably fall and turn into a giant cartoon snowball, but Stuart promises he'll catch her. With his face.
Sperm bank. Patrick learns that his sample was rejected due to low motility. Where else will he and Annie ever find a potential donor in Elmo?
Idaho. Post-ski, Marin and Stuart drink some kind of chocolatey-looking concoction as he tries to impress her with news of a reservation he made at some fancy restaurant. As she shifts awkwardly in her seat, he thinks she's trying to get a look at some hot guy behind him, but she's trying to see the score on a TV in the bar -- Rangers/Penguins, which Marin says is a big game. Stuart confesses that he's been trying to hear the play-by-play the whole time they've been talking, and says he didn't know Marin followed hockey. Marin says she never used to, but that moving to Elmo, hockey's hard to ignore. Stuart tells her that this new facet of her personality makes her insanely sexy to him, and she suggests that they blow off the fancy restaurant and, instead, go to her room to watch the game and eat room service. And it's on.
Something good happens on the TV, and Stuart and Marin high-five on it. Stuart then pulls her in for a quick kiss, and she kind of giggles and lets it sink in, and then they both realize that was hot and start making out for reals. Stuart fairly quickly breaks it off, seriously telling Marin that he wants to be honest with her. She guesses that he's about to tell her he's married, but nay: because his life is too crazy for a complicated relationship, he sees a bunch of ladies. He doesn't say it's as many as a passel, but makes it seem like it could be. He asks if Marin's okay with having a no-strings hookup, and Marin shrugs, "Who needs strings?" The Dude abides.
After commercials, we pan over from a big "Carpe Diem" over a fireplace to Marin, alone in bed. She rouses herself to see Stuart, berobed and to a room-service tray of breakfast. He brings her some coffee and says he might be able to meet her in a few weeks, in Chicago. Marin tells him it's not necessary; they've "agreed on what this is." Both agree that it was fun, and then Marin goes off to shave her balls.
Inn. Patrick and Annie eat dinner, Patrick enthusing over the chicken and asking what makes it so good. She coyly teases that it's a family secret she won't tell, but Patrick flips out, saying that there shouldn't be anything they can't tell each other, and blurts that he can't have kids. Annie's face falls as Patrick chokes that he knows she wants kids, so he's giving her to opportunity to go find someone else to have kids with. He gets up to flail out of there, but Annie long-windedly explains that he's the guy, and that she doesn't want the house or the kids unless it's with Patrick. Aw, it's one of the episodes where they're mostly cute!
Port of Elmo. Jane ties the boat to the dock. Sam checks her knot, saying that it's a bit loose, but that she's getting better. She returns the compliment, referring to his manicure. He takes off to work; she'll be working on the boat. Not working on the boat, but working, on manuscripts, while physically located on the boat. And presumably not flushing any of the really crappy chapters down the head.
Chieftain. Marin strolls in, evasively explaining away her absence as "research," and orders a glass of white wine and a house salad. Great, she's back to being all queer and girly. As Ben pours, Marin checks her phone; no messages. She asks how he feels about sex without strings; both Ben and Jerome are firmly in the pro camp, and guess that she's asking in relation to her whereabouts the night. She tries to demur, but when the goad her by reminding her that she's a guy's girl, she admits that she was "conducting research without strings...going with the flow." Though she clearly enjoys all the male approbation of her carrying-on, she says she shouldn't be discussing it with dudes. Ben tells her to talk to a chick, then, and asks where Jane is. But Marin doesn't know!
Well, Jane's asleep on Sam's boat. And Sam's boat is floating, unmoored, in the middle of a large body of water. The sound of seagulls wakes Jane, who runs out to the deck, gets a load of her predicament, and starts calling for help. The seagulls are not forthcoming.
Radio station. Marin's trying not to be judgmental about her caller, who informs her that he waited a week to call a woman after sleeping with her because he had to remember her name, when another call comes in from "Susie, from parts unknown," who'd rather speak to Marin off the air. Marin urges Susie to share with the audience, so Patrick puts the call through: "I need to be rescued." "Jane?" squeaks Marin. Jane informs her of the situation, though she can't be very helpful in her own cause, since she has no clue where she is. Marin says she'll call the Coast Guard, but Jane tells her not to, because then Sam will know what happened. She begs Marin to come find her, somehow, and not to tell Sam. Oh, Lucy.
Jack's. The man himself is cutting up vegetables when Lynn enters, and asks straight-up whether Jack has a problem with her having another man's baby. Jack defensively non-answers that he never said that, but Lynn says he didn't have to. Jack even more defensively says, "I'm with you," and Lynn replies by asking whether he's "with the baby." She says that he can be mad at her, or at the absent, oblivious father, but that he can't be mad at the baby. "The boy is blameless," as Niobe said. You know, right before her suicide. Jack stares into space for twenty minutes.
Marin, on her borrowed boat, has somehow located Jane. The captain of Marin's boat throws a line out to Jane, ordering her to tie a bollard. Jane hesitates for a second, but then rises to the occasion and pulls it off. Or, puts it on. The...pole or whatever. Look, you get the point.
Port of Elmo. Jane ties up Sam's boat, declaring this day of doing man's work to be over. She notices Marin surreptitiously checking her messages and guesses that Stuart and Marin slept together. Marin doesn't deny it, but says that it was only a day ago, and that they had a no-strings arrangement. Jane further guesses that Marin likes Stuart, and tells her that she doesn't have to be okay with things the way they are. Marin, smiling bravely, says she knows, but as she walks off, her face falls. You know, I can understand her dismay, since he was all dashing and shit. But at the end of the day, it's still a guy named Stuart. That's just as wussy as "Graham," if not wussier.
After commercials, we're at the Chieftain, where Sam and Jane have reunited. Ben tells Jane he really likes her perfume, but Sam informs him that it's his "soothing after-shave balm." "You smell like apples, man," says Ben, but Sam defiantly says that they'll see who's laughing in five years, when Sam still has his baby face. Jerome rolls up, asking Sam whether he caught anything today; Jerome saw his boat going out earlier. Sam, turning to Jane, sternly asks what the answer is, and she stammers that she still has some work to do on the knots. She kindly doesn't add that Sam still has some work to do on his toenails.
Marin's shooting pool when Jack enters. She challenges him to a game, but he says he's not up to it -- at least, until she trash-talks him about his last loss to her, and he cheerfully gives in. Ben comes over with a couple of beers for them, and asks Jack whether they're going to let the doctor tell them. Jack's all, "Jigga-what?" Ben says Theresa told him about the ultrasound the day, and that they could find out the sex of the baby, asking whether it's weird that he really wants to know. Jack vaguely says that if they find out, they'll tell him, and Ben takes off. This whole time, Marin's been smiling serenely but not really inserting herself in the conversation, so Jack says he knows she's thinking it's weird that he isn't going to this appointment. Marin says she wasn't going to say that, and quietly tells him to break. Jack's all, "I shouldn't be talking to you about this. Let's just play." Marin tells him that she might not be one of the guys, but that she is a friend; he can talk to her. Given the least encouragement, Jack unburdens himself, saying that Lynn is worried that he's only halfway committed. Marin says she supposes you can't do that when there's a baby involved, but Jack says it's his experience that you can't half-ass it in any relationship. Marin smiles that it's "all or nothing" with him. Well, all, nothing, or whatever the hell these two are doing with the flirting all the time.
Back in her room at the Inn, Marin's sitting in bed working when her phone rings; it's Stuart. She asks whether he knows that it's been one day and nine hours since they last spoke. Stuart, slightly taken aback, says he didn't, and Marin crabs that she hates that she knows it -- that she's the kind of woman who'd know it. She says that she can't hang with the agreement they made; she doesn't blame him for anything, but she can't be a guy about this. They mutually agree to dissolve the booty contract they struck, and end the call as amicable professionals: they will still chat, but not all sexy. At least until there needs to be a cliffhanger of some kind.
Let's wrap this up, voice-over-style. "It's impossible to know what makes a man, because no two men are the same, but you can learn a lot when you walk a mile in their shoes. Men can be incredibly strong and soft at the same time." Jane caresses Sam's dewy skin as he lets her drive his boat. "Some...tend to possess something that makes them ready for great responsibility." In front of the fire at the Inn, Annie and Patrick mess around with a "blueprint" of their dream home, a.k.a. Mr. Boddy's house. "Even when that responsibility is someone else's." As Lynn gets ultrasound goo spread on her gut, Jack totally barges right into the exam room; she's very moved to see him, and as he sits to her, she tells him it's a girl. Jack gazes at the monitor, clasping Lynn's hand. Aw. But the only thing harder than taking responsibility for another man's mistake (gee, Marin, I hope Baby Girl Whatever Lynn's Last Name Is doesn't ever happen to hear this voice-over) is taking responsibility for your own: Buzz enters the Inn and asks Patrick if he's okay, and Patrick says he wanted to thank Buzz for making him feel okay about being a dad, and wanted Buzz to feel okay too. Buzz is all, "What did you do?" Patrick calls up the stairs, "You can come down now," and Orlando Jones comes down, announcing to Buzz, "I'm your son." "Huge," breathes Buzz. I assume he's referring to the space between Orlando's brows and eyes, because seriously? He's so overplucked right now that he could walk out the front door and straight into a revival of Mame.