Presidential Suite. Or is it? Patrick takes the Lincoln portrait off the wall and replaces it with a shot of Marin, doing her best Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Patrick excitedly tells her that, with her moving out and into her house, the room is now the Marin Frist Suite, since Annie thinks her name can net them an extra $10 a night. Annie recaps all the things that happened in the room: Marin broke up with Graham, slept with Jack, had phone sex with Stuart.... Marin asks how they know all that. "Thin walls," says Patrick. Marin suggests that they spend that $10 on insulation. Annie says something about adding that to the list of things they want to get done on the Inn while they're in New York, and Marin exposits that this will be "the big meet-the-parents weekend." Annie's thrilled to get to tell her parents in person that they're engaged, and that Patrick wants to do the traditional thing by asking Annie's father for her hand. Annie makes a tactless remark about how Marin's and Annie's marital statuses have flipped since they arrived in Elmo, but Marin shrugs it off, as only a woman who's replaced Abe Lincoln can.
Marin pulls out her bags and marches them toward her new front door...but her excitement turns to horror as she sees that Cash has set his tent up in her side yard. She calls him out for observing the letter of their agreement rather than the spirit (in that he's not living in the house), and he scares her with talk of all the work that could still be done on the exterior of the house, and, for good measure, makes her feel guilty for not being generous with all her empty land. Marin relents, saying he can stay for a week, until he can find something else, and Cash grins to have put one over on her.
Lamaze class. The students introduce themselves: we have a husband and wife, a single mom and friend, guy/girl "life partners," and Lynn and Jack: she says "boyfriend," he says "partner," she edits it to "all of the above," and everyone (including Jack and Lynn) laugh good-naturedly. Can I suggest he be known as her "dawg"?
Jack's/Celia's. Patrick is getting a refresher course in self-defense from Celia, who's sure that Patrick's definitely going to get mugged in New York, if not end up with stolen kidneys. Mai enters with a huge chintz-covered binder, sending Patrick off to pack so that Buzz can fly him to Seattle for his connection. Celia doesn't let him go without promising he won't come back with another mother; Patrick smiles knowingly, but doesn't commit, perhaps still thinking he'll eventually trade Celia in for good. Once he's gone, Mai plops down her binder: it's time for her and Celia to start planning the wedding. Perfect, because I'm sure they have a really similar aesthetic.
EMT training. Sara flirts with Eric (Nicholas Lea).
Alone in her house, Marin can't get her fire started. Outside, Cash struggles with his tent, and it's so cold out that she's moved to go ask him in for the night, to sit by the fire. He asks if she started a fire, and she admits she can't; I guess that's how he'll be singing for his supper.
Jack's. Lynn makes breakfast as Jack comments that it was weird in Lamaze class. Lynn thinks he's referring to a gnarly video of a breech birth, but he means it was weird not to know what to call their relationship. Lynn chuckles that they need to come up with a new word -- she proposes "loveners," encompassing both "lovers" and "partners." Jack says he's not concerned about what he is to Lynn; he's just not sure what he is to her daughter -- uncle, friend, father figure, etc. Lynn says that her daughter will love Jack, no matter what. "Maybe we should get married," blurts Jack. "Okay," breathes Lynn. You guys! It's so romantic! I have chills! Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed!
After the credits, we're back at Marin's, where she's complaining that he's left his boots in the kitchen sink, and also, that he's all naked again. He breezes that "clothes are confining," of course, because his middle name is "Patchouli." Marin tells him that the only things that need to be naked when you're brushing your teeth are your teeth, and then announces that they need to set some house rules: no boots in the sink, no towels on the floor, and no strange women. "On the floor?" Cash clarifies. Heh. No strange women anywhere, it turns out. Marin also expects that Cash will keep working on the house while he's staying there. Cash thanks her for letting him stay there, and Marin mutters that it's the right thing to do. Cash tells Marin she's like a Girl Scout -- doing the right thing, playing by the rules, selling cookies. Or, not that last thing. Cash suggests that Marin try brushing her teeth naked sometime, so we can now expect her to give it a shot at some point during the end-of-episode voice-over wrap-up montagery.
Mai's. Celia's just had a fabulous makeover, courtesy of Mai. How fabulous? Well, I'm not saying Celia would win a drag ball. But she could runner-up. She tells Mai that she doesn't like it. Mai loves her in an updo, but Celia says that it's really not her. Mai says that her wedding look should be unique; Mai herself is going with a side ponytail, and also shows Celia her spangly Mother Of The Groom dress, to confirm that Celia's not thinking of wearing something too similar. Celia: "We're good." I don't want to speculate too much about what Celia might wear to the wedding, though I have a feeling it will involve corduroy.
Chieftain. Jack and Ben bring their lunch to a booth, Jack having apparently just told Ben about the engagement. Ben congratulates him, and speculates that the timing is due to Lynn's pregnancy. Jack is so defensive that it's obvious this is the case, but he over-explains that Lynn gives Jack a sense of belonging; her baby deserves that, too -- deserves a family -- whether Jack is her biological father or not. He adds that he bought Lynn a ring in middle school but never gave it to her: "That's how long I've loved her." Ben wisely lets Jack babble it all out, and then asks whether Jack's told Marin yet. Jack says he wants to tell her before Marin hears abnout it from someone else. Ben asks when he's going to tell her; Jack says he needs to figure out what he's going to say first. "Save the date"?
New York, New York! The town so nice, they put a Duane Reade on every other block! Annie and Patrick bustle into Jane's office, which I guess we're meant to think is in the Chrysler Building. Patrick's bursting with excitement to be in New York, where he just saw a guy with no legs dancing. Hee. Annie gives Jane a bag of her stuff, which Sam had sent along from Elmo. She says she feels bad that Sam and Jane didn't work out, but Jane smiles bravely, saying that it never would have lasted, since Sam was "trucker hats," and Jane was... "Tahari"? "Temperley"? "Tory Burch"? "...Not," Jane finally concludes, lamely. And now I want to go shopping at Saks. Anyway, she pulls a fisherman's sweater out of the bag and says it's not hers, but Patrick explains that Sam wanted Jane to have it: he liked it when she wore it. "DANNY!" yelps Annie. She wants Jane to meet her brother at her parents' party the night; he's the life of every party, a stockbroker, and doesn't wear trucker hats. "Really?" asks Jane, intrigued. She demurs on the invitation, but Patrick convinces her with the help of a beauty-school slogan he read on the subway. Good thing he didn't end up in the car totally taken over with Bud Light ads in Spanish, which I always somehow end up in.
Chieftain. Marin's mildly bitching about Cash to Jerome and Sara: "Who brushes their teeth naked?" "Who brushes their teeth?" asks Jerome. Marin makes a face at Sara, who comments that she thought Cash moved out. Marin explains about the cold, adding that he fixes everything around the house, so she actually gets the better end of the deal. Sara tells Marin about Eric. Marin excitedly asks whether Sara and Eric have "naked-brushed" yet, and Sara says no, but that they do have a study date planned. And because they're training to be EMTs, they could legitimately do that naked. Ben appears to grab what looks like ketchup; seeing Marin, he asks whether she's seen Jack, and she chuckles that she hasn't. Ben wanders off, and Marin and Sara are like, "The hell?" Sara speculates that it might still be weird for Ben that she's working there. That's the smoothest method the writing staff could come up with to remind us of Ben and Sara's history?
Never mind: enter Celia and Mai, trying to pick a wedding date for Patrick and Annie. Celia's date, in May, has only a 5% chance of precipitation, according to the Farmer's Almanac, but Mai's book says that the only lucky hour that day is 2 AM. Oh, like Mai couldn't build a fun theme wedding around that peg. Marin wonders if Patrick and Annie shouldn't be involved in the decision, but Mai explains that in China, the parents choose the most auspicious date. Sara and Marin advise against their wedding and would-be wedding dates, respectively. Jerome also nixes "Valentine's Day, 1964." Marin's surprised to learn that Jerome was married, but he shuts down that conversational thread by saying he's legally barred from discussing it. He then adds that Celia and Mai should check with Lynn and Jack. Marin asks why, and Jerome blithely says that they can't have everyone in town getting married on the same day; they'll run out of folding chairs. "Jack's getting married?" breathes Marin. Well, that's a pickle.
After the commercials, Sara finds Marin in the Chieftain ladies' room, leaning over the sink like she's about to hurl. Marin wants to know why Jack wouldn't tell her, and Sara theorizes that Jack felt bad. Marin never thought this would happen; Sara didn't either. Marin sighs that she guesses this means Jack really loves Lynn, but Sara's like, "Who knows?" Marin, of course, finds a way to tie this back to the theme of the episode -- doing the right thing, even at your own expense -- asking whether Jack's just being a good guy. Of course, Sara doesn't know that either. Marin says she thought she was doing the right thing by getting out of the way of Jack and Lynn, but maybe she shouldn't have. Too bad: "Now it's too late." Marin staggers off to find some dark corner in which to lick her wounds, leaving Sara alone in the john to think about naked tooth-brushing with Nick Lea.
New York! Annie and Patrick shop for an outfit for him to wear to meet her parents. As she picks out garments, she briefs Patrick: he can't tell Mr. and Mrs. O'Donnell that they're already living together, nor should he reveal that he already proposed to Annie before asking her dad's permission. Patrick starts to lose it, asking why Annie didn't say anything about this stuff earlier, and Annie burbles that she thought it would make him so nervous that he wouldn't come. Annie adds that her father has mellowed out a lot since "the Jan incident," in which one of her brother's girlfriends said something bad about the Knicks, whereupon Mr. O'Donnell threw his slipper at her and banned her from the house; Annie's brother subsequently dumped her. Gravely, Annie adds, "My dad really loves the Knicks." Patrick, desperately: "Was that on my flashcards?" Ha! I wish we could have seen those; you know they were totally caked in glitter.
Elmo radio station. Marin is preparing to host the show all alone when Patrick calls her from the store, freaking out that Annie's dad's going to kill him. Marin promises that Annie's parents won't break them up, but before she can reassure him any further, Annie comes tearing around the corner, squeaking that they're going to be late, and Patrick slams the phone down. That has got to have been one expensive freakout.
Back at the radio station, Marin puts her headphones on, telling Elmo that she has an ethical question: "What if we do the right thing, and bad things happen? What then? Is it ever wrong to do the right thing?" I think the town full of people who showed up for Lynn's baby shower is unlikely to tell Marin it's okay for her to steal her would-be adoptive baby daddy.
Chez O'Donnell. Patrick confirms some info about Annie's grandfather, but she promises that he won't need to know that stuff until the party the night, and then asks what's in the paper bag he's carrying. Patrick says that it's a celebratory surprise gift. Annie starts to say she hopes it isn't...something, but before she can tell him what it shouldn't be, her mother -- played by Annie Potts -- comes flouncing down the stairs. Annie and Mrs. O'Donnell have many mannerisms in common -- tiny claps, squealing, etc. -- so naturally, Patrick says Mrs. O. looks familiar. This allows Mrs. O. to tell him about her role as Golda in a long-running local production of Fiddler On The Roof, adding that she gave it up to raise six children because her husband wanted her home, not that she's bitter. At all. Just then, Annie's dad, played by Colm Meaney, enters; he has a warm hug for Annie, and a suspicious greeting for Patrick, asking if he's the half-black man Annie's been spending so much time with. Patrick's like, "...Yes?" Mr. O. says he thought Patrick would be bigger, but before everyone can decide whether that's racist or not, Mr. O. starts laughing frattishly, and everyone else nervously joins in. This is when Patrick decides to bust out his gift: Mr. O. reaches into the bag and pulls out a bottle of champagne. Annie and Mrs. O. manage to contain their horror as Mr. O. informs Patrick that theirs is a "dry house," and heads off to get rid of Patrick's "sin juice." Hey, I thought that was what Patrick left in Anchorage!
Chieftain. Sara and Eric have decided that the perfect place for their study date is a loud-ass bar. Or, if they had, they soon realize what a bad idea it was. Eric says he knows a quieter place. Sara asks whether it's open now, and Eric says it's always open. Tattoo parlour?
Nay: it's a church. As they unpack, Sara says that it used to be her local church. "Now it's mine," says Eric. Sara murmurs that she used to sneak in at night with boys, but never got much studying done. She asks Eric whether it's okay for them to be there, and Eric assures her that it is: "I know the boss." "God?" cracks Sara. Eric tells her he's the minister. Sara's face falls, though I don't know why: if he's trying to be more Christlike, he could hardly do worse than lining up his own Mary Magdalene.
After commercials, Sara's still assimilating this information. Eric says that he should have eased into telling her his big secret -- said Grace over dinner and seen if she'd freaked out. Sara's kind of surprised that Eric's allowed to go on study dates, but he says he's a Lutheran minister, not a priest; he says it's a common misconception. It...is? Maybe with Episcopalian clergymen who are also priests and get called "Father" just like Catholics but can also date -- it certainly led to lots of confusion in the first season of Six Feet Under when people thought the Fishers were Catholic, which they weren't. But don't we all know that ministers aren't celibate? I digress: Sara awkwardly makes an excuse about relieving Matty's babysitter and takes off to pray for forgiveness.
Marin's. Cash is shirtlessly stir-frying some vegetables, I guess so that we can see he's such a rugged mountain man that he doesn't care about spattering oil. Marin mopes in; Cash says he figured that wearing boxers meant he wasn't quite naked, but Marin doesn't care. Cash is shocked not to get a rise out of Marin with his quasi-nudity, but she's too busy getting ready to drink a lot, and invites Cash to join her. He accepts. Her condition is that he put on a shirt. I guess she's pretty confident that, even when she's wasted, she'll still have the manual dexterity to take it off.
Mai's. There's something very bad in Patrick and Annie's astrological charts.
Mai heads straight for Celia's office, telling her that Patrick and Annie are the worst astrological mismatch since Julia Roberts and "that hillbilly with the Don King hair." (She likes to do celebrity charts as a hobby. Hee.) She is insistent that Patrick and Annie cannot get married; Celia is prepared to break the bad news.
Chez O'Donnell. Patrick is just settling in to sleep on the too-short living-room couch when Mr. O. shows up, asking if Patrick likes the Knicks. Patrick shrieks in surprise, and after making a disparaging remark about Patrick's manhood, Mr. O. settles down to Patrick (who can't take his eyes off Mr. O.'s ominous slipper). Patrick says he had wanted to talk to Mr. O., who non-sequiturs thathe used to take Annie to work with him. He's an insurance investigator -- the best, because he can intuit people's guilt. Yes, yes, we've all seen Meet The Parents. As Patrick shits a brick, Mr. O. asks what Patrick wanted to talk to him about, but Patrick shrugs that it can wait until tomorrow. Mr. O. gets up to head for bed, adding that he sleeps with his eyes open; it was hell in 'Nam, but now it's handy, since it lets him know when something's trying to creep into his daughter's bedroom. Yeah, like Patrick was really going to be able to get up anything -- including nerve -- to put the moves on Annie while they're in her parents' house. Mr. O.'s all, "Sleep tight!" Patrick's not sleeping until he's back in Alaska, I am fairly sure.
Marin's. Cash and Marin are literally lounging on a bearskin rug on the floor in front of the fireplace, drinking. Cash chivalrously asks whether Marin wants him to go beat Jack up, adding that Marin's "uptight" and deserves better. Marin agrees that she does. Cash reaches out and tucks a lock of hair behind Marin's ear. I mean, every other part of this scene is Seduction 101; the only thing that might have been more clichéd is if Marin cried a single tear, and Cash kissed it off her cheek.
Outside, Jack's gets out of his Jeep in Marin's driveway.
Inside, Marin flirts that Cash knows she doesn't like him. "I know," Cash replies. And then, obviously, kissing ensues.
Outside, Jack walks toward the house; because Marin just moved in and hasn't finished decorating yet (and also lives way the hell out in the sticks), she has no curtains on her living-room window, which is how Jack gets a big fat eyeful of Jack and Cash snogging on the floor.
Marin's, the day. Cash is working on the stone fireplace breast when the sound wakes up Marin, who's sleeping on the floor -- still fully clothed. He says that something with the chimney got screwed up, and Marin moans that she also screwed up, kissing another guy she barely knows. Cash is like, "So much for your house rules." Marin doesn't get it, so Cash explains that he's referring to the prohibition against "kissing strange women." Marin protests that she isn't a strange woman, but Cash is not so sure. Hee. Marin complains that he's "hard to like," and he easily counters that she's "easy to kiss." Marin declares that it won't be happening again. Cash says he gives it a week. Marin even more sternly tells Cash that such arrogance won't make him more attractive to women. "It worked on you," Cash replies. Point to the hobo!
New York -- Queens, by the looks of it. The party's in full swing when Annie's brother Danny (played by Ed's Josh Randall) sneaks up behind her. Annie introduces Patrick to Danny, who asks Patrick whether he's met the "shoe-thrower" yet. Hee. Patrick covers that Mr. O. is super-nice. Annie urgently asks whether Patrick's asked Mr. O.'s permission yet; Patrick says he's just picking his moment, and Annie tells him to hurry, because she wants to celebrate for real. A dry celebration -- that's the most joyful kind.
Mrs. O. then goes to answer the door; Annie tears over, thrilled that Jane made it. Instead of introducing Jane to her mother, Annie rushes her straight over to Danny, who recognizes her as his "future bride." Jane asks whether he isn't rushing things, and Danny tells her that he's pregnant. Jane: "Is it mine?" Danny: "Are you calling me a slut?" Jane giggles, surprised at all the instant chemistry between them, apparently not realizing that Josh Randall would have chemistry with a stop sign. Love him.
Multipurpose hall. EMT class is just breaking up, which means it's time for Eric and Sara to have some awkward. He's noticed she's avoiding him, and assumes that it's because of...you know, the Lord. But he thinks they may "have something." Sara finally tells him that she's going to "spare [him] the pain of wasting [his] goodness" on her, and announces that she used to be a prostitute. Eric is completely unfazed as Sara explains that she did it to support her son, and that she likes him, but sooner or later, God's going to get in the way. Well, sure -- He is everywhere.
Chez O'Donnell. Jane and Danny are still having a good time as they end up alone in the kitchen, bantering about some O'Donnell relative with a glass eye he felt free popping out. Jane gives Danny a medium-hot Look, telling him he's very different from the last guy she dated. "We're dating now?" flirts Danny. Jane neither confirms nor denies, and Danny says that the moment calls for a drink. He informs Jane that Mr. O. keeps the house dry, but that he does have a hiding place for booze, and opens a cupboard to pull out the champagne Patrick brought over. Jane eye-flirts some more as Danny pops open the bottle.
Moments later, Jane and Danny are canoodling over a couple of mugs of champagne, slurring like, since we saw them last, they killed the bottle. Soon enough, they're totally making out on the counter, which is how Mrs. O. finds them, summoning them to the dining room.
In what actually looks like the living room, everyone takes his or her seat, Annie telling Patrick, "This is your moment!" Mr. O. gets up to say he's gathered everyone there for a very special announcement. Patrick tries to interrupt to raise his nuptial matter, but Mr. O. shuts him up, saying that someone in the room has been lying to everyone. He goes on in this vein for a moment, and Patrick can't take the pressure, leaping to his feet to announce, "Annie and I have sex!" Annie pulls him back down, and Mr. O. says that this isn't about Patrick. Mrs. O., starting to cry, says that this is about her "drunk son, Danny." Jane, sitting to Danny, mutters, "Is this an intervention?" A guy in the corner with an official-looking clipboard nods. Danny: "Not again!" Hee. Also, shut up, O'Donnells. Danny's not an alcoholic, he's just fun! Save your energy for when Lindsay Lohan comes by.
After commercials, the intervention rages on, as some old dude reads his victim statement about how Danny's drinking has affected him. Annie tells her mother she thought they were all getting together to meet Patrick. Mrs. O. hisses back that when Mr. O. heard Annie was coming with Patrick, he knew it would be a perfect cover for the event's real purpose. Annie says that they could have told her what was really going on, but Mrs. O. says everyone knows Annie can't keep a secret. Annie idiotically defends herself by saying she didn't tell anyone she was sleeping with Patrick. Mrs. O.: "One sin at a time." The interventionist tells Jane it's her turn, and she asks to pass, since she and Danny just met, and have "barely had a drink together." She immediately realizes her mistake and murmurs, "Oops." Mr. O. realizes that Danny's drunk right now, and Danny says he found Mr. O.'s champagne. Mr. O. turns to glare at Patrick, who tells Annie to get him the slipper: "I'll hit myself." Mr. O. may need to punish this infraction with a steel-toed boot.
Marin's just leaving...somewhere when Jack finds her. Marin's like, "Congratulations." "You heard," Jack surmises. Marin tells him he's a day and six vodkas too late, and that Jerome told her. She asks if he couldn't have told her himself; she knows she isn't the first girl he thinks about anymore, but she's hurt that he didn't think about her at all. Jack says that he came by the night before, but that she was...busy. Marin's like, "Oh." Jack tells her that he cares about her, and wanted to tell her himself. Marin bitterly asks if he's doing this because he cares about her, or because he wants to make himself feel better. Jack crabbily says he's getting sick of people questioning his motives, and Marin shrugs that he has her blessing, then, which is about all she has left to give. She turns to stomp off, but then turns back after a couple of steps to speech that she doesn't know how Jack could open his heart to someone who broke it "into a million pieces," but couldn't do the same for someone who "just wanted to heal it." Jack amazingly manages not to roll his eyes at her for being such a wedge of fontina, and says he's sorry. "So am I," says Marin, managing to stomp away this time without trying to get the last last word.
Chez O'Donnell. The interventionist turns to Patrick to read his letter, but Mr. O. snaps that he doesn't have anything to say. Patrick, though, gets up and announces that he does have something to say. He introduces himself and says that he isn't a member of the family (yet), but that if he had anything to say to Danny, it would be that he should go get help, so that someday he can find a girl as great as Annie, or Jane. He says that Danny has a great family, who love him, and that he should try to get clean for them -- for Annie, the girl Patrick loves, and intends to marry. Annie squeals and gets up to kiss Patrick as everyone in the room celebrates the announcement. Apparently, Danny is moved by the snogging, because he agrees to go to rehab, saying he'll do it for Jane. She tries to wave that off -- "I think we're done" -- but when all the O'Donnells look at her in horror, she tells Danny to call her from rehab. The intervention breaks up to the sounds of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab." Obviously.
In the kitchen, we see that Danny and Jane actually killed two bottles of champagne, so maybe he's both fun and a drunk. Patrick calls Celia to report on how well the wedding announcement went. He's so excited about everything that she can't bring herself to tell him about the astrological disaster that awaits him.
Mai is pushing a bundle buggy full of fresh produce (...okay) down the street when Celia rolls up behind her in her prowler, getting out to tell Mai that they can never tell Patrick about the cursed charts. She says that Patrick is happy, which is exactly what a mother should hope for her child. She swears Mai to secrecy. Though Mai isn't happy about it, she agrees.
And here's something I am happy about: the last episode-ending wrap-up voice-over of the season! "My predecessor Abraham Lincoln once said, 'When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad.' If only it were that black and white." At the Inn, Mai hangs up Chinese coins at strategic points to try to counteract the bad chart mojo. "Sometimes doing the right thing makes you feel everything but good. It can feel scary." Jack gives Lynn his old middle-school ring, and she tells him it doesn't fit. "Uncomfortable." Yes, we get it. Lynn puts the ring on her left pinkie instead, and Jack chuckles with relief, touching his forehead to Lynn's. Again: so romantic. I may plotz. "Because even when you make the right choices, the bad things can still happen." Sara wipes down the bar at the Chieftain when a guy comes in and serves her with papers; we don't see what they're about, but it seems safe to assume her ex-husband's seeking custody. "As much as we want them, there are no guarantees. All we can do is have faith. But if we act with our heart, the things we do will one day make us feel right." O'Donnells, plus Patrick, watch a sporting event, Mr. O. playing that he's going to hit Patrick with his slipper. "Even if, sometimes, the thing we do feels a little...wrong." In her bathroom, Marin brushes her teeth in her robe, until she feels moved to drop her robe to the floor and brush her teeth in the nude, as we knew she was going to. Cash, getting something out of the fridge, gets a ringside seat at her exhibitionism, taking it in with a leer, and she slams the door closed, not considering that the bare windows could be giving the county a view of her bare ass.