Marin rides her boke through a picturesque landscape actually featuring some snow for a change. She enters the Inn and runs into Theresa, who's in the process of moving back in with Ben. Marin offers to help with the patient, and Theresa briskly assigns her to the food tree, to supply Tuesday's breakfast. Then Lynn shows up, on her way out to Jack's. Marin wishes her luck, and then has to backpedal awkwardly that Lynn wouldn't need luck to live with Jack and blah blah blah awkwardcakes. Lynn's like, "Save it, Yappy," and takes off. And finally Sara crosses through the lobby on her way out, trailed by Patrick, who's carrying a big box. She and Marin share the fondest goodbye, but Sara has to make a hasty exit when one of the tools of her trade, in the box, starts buzzing loudly, embarrassing Patrick (though he really should be more embarrassed about his newly too-short bangs). Once all the other ladies have gone, Marin says that it's the end of an era, with all her "pals" on their way out. (Well, all her pals, and Lynn.) Patrick complains that Marin will be leaving too (not for a while, she assures him, since her new house still needs a lot of work), and that the Inn never has guests in the winter. Marin points out that this will leave more room for Patrick and his new fiancée, but Patrick sadly says that Annie won't be moving in -- she's very "traditional," and doesn't want them to cohabitate until after the wedding. Marin's like, "But you two are...doing it, right?" and Patrick confirms that they are, asking Marin very seriously not to inform Annie that to do so isn't actually all that "traditional." Marin agrees. I don't know how they can think Annie wouldn't be a superfreak when every skirt she owns barely clears her ass.
Over to Ben's, which the production designer has ordered to be dusted with such a thin, half-assed layer of fake snow, I am half convinced it's actually icing sugar. Inside, Ben's rejoicing that Theresa's moved back into the underwear drawer, though not so thrilled that he won't be allowed to remove her drawers until after they've "checked [his] levels" week. He's on strict orders to eat healthy food and to rest. He says he misses the bar, but Theresa manages to be a grownup and says that Sara has been helping out and that she should go relieve her. Ben is left to...relieve himself, I guess.
Chieftain. Buzz and Mai toast Annie and Patrick on their engagement; Celia tries to be okay about it and, as usual, fails. Mai excitedly asks what kind of wedding Annie wants, and she says she'd always dreamed of having a black-tie affair at the Pierre -- but with homey touches, like a parade on the way there, and headdresses to honour the Egyption cat goddess, Bast. Celia rolls her eyes, but Mai likes the idea, saying she would have liked dragons spitting fireworks. In fact, forget the wedding! Mai suggests that Annie come over to work up a budget spreadsheet for Annie's father, but Annie says that her parents don't have any money, so she and Patrick are saving up to pay for the wedding themselves, which will require some compromises, though the headdresses are not negotiable. If this thing ends up turning into some kind of Plushie hybrid, just so you guys know: I'm out. Both Bachelors look stricken at this description of Annie's crazy plans...
...and Patrick makes an excuse to get Buzz over to the bar with him, where he confides that he doesn't know how he's going to pay for this shit. Buzz says he thought they were going for "small and practical," but Patrick says that isn't Annie's dream. His income at the Inn is ticking down as all his longtime guests move out -- and after the wedding, Annie's going to want a house, and their kids are going to want to go to school, and Patrick doesn't know how he's going to pay for any of it. Buzz tells Patrick to "man up": worrying about weddings is women's business, while it's up to the men to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Unsurprisingly, Patrick is not reassured by this, and it helps even less when Buzz informs him that women can smell fear. (They can also smell bullshit, by the way.)
And then, in walks Ellis. Celia keeps up the façade that there's nothing going on between them, but ushers him over into an office or something. They briefly canoodle, but then make a plan to get together for a booty call the day. When Celia stiffly returns to the table, shaking Ellis's hand goodbye, Mai dryly comments, "I like your boyfriend." Celia lies that he isn't her boyfriend -- they've been out a couple of times to eat, which just makes him her "meal friend." Mai points out that Celia's meal friend might want to tuck in his shirt. Oh, it's always extra-delicious when the one getting busted is a cop.
Outside Jack's/Celia's, Marin and Sam run into each other, waiting for Jane to get off her bus. Though they're cordial, Marin instantly feels the awkwardness (that, or she gets a glimpse of Sam's gigantic boner of anticipation), and offers to meet up with him and Jane later, but Sam tells her to stay. The bus pulls up, and Jane hops out, saying she doesn't know whom to hug first, and then instantly complaining about how smelly the bus was. On that romantic note, Marin waves Sam on to go kiss her, and then stands there self-involvedly, wondering why it's not all about her for five fucking seconds in a row.
Chieftain. Sam's just finished running down his plans for Jane's visit (ending with them in bed in, like, the five minutes). Marin offers to leave them alone while she goes to pick paint colours, but Jane takes umbrage, saying she has to help and that she wants to see the new house. Sam generously says he can spare her for an hour, and then he and Jane start making out again and Marin scrambles out of there before anyone gets to third base.
Marin's house -- her first, of course. Marin keeps cheerfully making excuses about the look of the place (that she hasn't cleaned it, it needs work, yada), and Jane is, frankly, kind of a dick about it, implying that she's going to fall through the floor and calling the place a rebound relationship that Marin's using to get over Jack, comparing it to some John Burtman guy that Marin dated right before Graham. Marin replies that she and Jack never had a relationship, so that there's nothing for her to get over, and that John Burtman was an angry Republican, whereas the house is "happy, and open to all views." Heh. They are both distracted by a noise outside; Jane thinks it's a trespasser, but Marin says that it's Jack. It really looks to me like Marin's not at all the one who needs help letting go of whatever was or was not going on between them. Also, shut up, Jane: you say that shit about the crappy house to the other friends you and Marin have in common -- not to the woman who's just signed up to spend the twenty-five years of her life paying for the place.
Marin and Jane head outside to accost Jack, who's crouched in the back yard, planting a tree. He explains that it'll give her something to look at ("for however long you live here," he pointedly adds), and that it'll help to stabilize the ground when the roots spread. He offers to keep an eye on it until she moves in, and Marin says that'll be soon. Jack hesitantly says that the place isn't exactly livable yet (which, what? Minnie was living there; it's not like she was part polar bear or something), but Marin says it just needs a few touch-ups. Jack tells her that if she needs help with said touch-ups, she can call him. "Says the man without a phone," Marin kids, and Jack says that he actually did get one. Marin stupidly asks what the occasion is, and Jack's like, "Um...your pregnant usurper? He says they got it in case there's an emergency. Everyone feels awkward, but Marin ends the conversational impasse by impetuously announcing that she'll be moving into the house the day. Jack and Jane are both horrified, but Marin is just happy about the idea of moving on even more than Jack is. thing you know, she'll be reuniting with one of her pregnant exes!
After the credits, Marin and Jane are testing out a bed in the mattress store Elmo supposedly totally has, even though earlier episodes made us believe people bought coats and Corn Flakes in the same establishment. Jane and Marin debate the firmness of the mattress, and then Marin turns and we see that she's literally lying in between Jane and Sam (the latter of whom agrees with Marin that the bed offers good back support). Jane asks whether Marin isn't moving too quickly, but she has an idea in her head now and isn't about to let it go. Once she's hopped out of bed to go talk to the salesman, Jane and Sam roll toward each other. He cheerfully grouses that this wasn't the bed he was hoping to get her into, and she tells him to be patient, and then they totally start doing it right in the store. Um, Marin has to sleep on that shit later. Please keep your fluids to yourselves.
Radio station. Marin is holding a book of paint chips up to the window, saying she hasn't decided between two shades. Patrick morosely asks which is cheaper, and explains about his worries over providing for his family, and how Buzz told him he had to man up. Marin asks whether Annie can't help -- "woman up," as it were -- but Patrick doesn't really credit this notion, and then Marin starts the show, asking her five listeners whether there's ever a perfect time to move on. We then cut the scene before anyone can tell Marin that living without central heat is a stupid way to prove a point to a dude you were never actually dating.
Sam's houseboat. In bed, Sam's trying to get something started while Jane rants on about Marin's crappy house, and how she thinks Marin's throwing all her energy into it because she's single. Sam asks, pleasantly enough, whether they're going to be talking about this much longer, and Jane says that's just it -- usually, Jane's the one who's single and listening to all Marin's boy problems. Yes, it is a shame those scintillating conversations are behind them. She says she almost feels guilty about it, as though the natural order of the universe has been disturbed. But when she turns to Sam for his take on it, it turns out she has literally bored him to sleep. If not into a coma.
Ben is tasting some inedible "healthy" food when Mai shows up at the door with a container of dumplings. Unfortunately, these are inedible, too: she apologetically explains that they're gluten-free (though...Ben's having heart problems, not an allergic reaction, so I don't know why the lack of gluten would make the dumplings any healthier for him), and that Theresa was specific in her instructions and is also very scary. Mai notices that Ben's watching her favourite show, "All My Koreans!" Ben asks if that's what it's called, but Mai says that's just what she calls it: "I'm allowed." He asks what the characters are saying, and Mai, only a little offended, asks whether he thinks she understands Korean just because she's Chinese. Ben admits that he did think that, kind of, and Mai says she has pieced together some plot points: one guy broke up with his girlfriend because he's seeing his tennis instructor. Ben can't believe the dude is gay, and Mai adds that another character, a midget, is actually a ghost. So it's the Korean Passions? Cool.
Chieftain. Sara cheerfully clears plates off the bar when Theresa shows up, passive-aggressively asking whether Sara served French toast. Sara says that the guys seemed to like it. Theresa dismissively thanks Sara for her help, and Sara excitedly says that she's really been enjoying it. Theresa's like, "Great. You can go now." Sara, for some reason, is dismayed not to get to serve mozzarella sticks and stay on her feet for the four hours. Maybe she just enjoys the novelty of a job where she gets to be on her feet at all.
Inn. Patrick's fretting over said inn's budget, while Annie obliviously researches making centerpieces out of "old water jugs." Seems pretty straightforward, but I'm sure there's some complicated ribbon-tying technique Martha Stewart's come up with just to be perverse. Patrick sighs loudly, and Annie asks if he's okay. Patrick guesses that she can smell his fear, and then gets up to snap off the light to save "the environment. And some pennies." Annie tells him that if he's worried about money, she can get a second job (she'd probably be very efficient at gutting fish), but Patrick sternly tells her that he will take care of everything, and will provide for them. Maybe some of those old water jugs could earn a decent return on eBay?
Or, Patrick could get a paper route. Which is, in fact, what he does. I'm kind of surprised that Elmo even has a newspaper, but maybe they just import the one from Cicely that Maurice owned. Mai comes out to get her morning paper and looks surprised to see her stepson biking by, instead of the usual eleven-year-old kid. Frankly, when you live in a part of the world where pretty much every job involves natural resources -- oil, lumber, what-have-you -- if the best you can come up with to supplement your income is a damn paper route, you're either not looking hard enough, or you're a wuss.
Marin's. As classical music plays soothingly on the soundtrack, Marin takes her first swipe at the wall (primer? Hello?), but that's about all she gets done before the door bursts open and everyone else in town rolls in, announcing that they're all having a painting party. Even Jane's there, which? Worst vacation ever. Patrick comes out of a side door to go for supplies...
...but Mai pushes Patrick away from all the painting about to commence and closes the door behind them, telling him she saw him on his paper route. She asks whether he's having money problems, and he reluctantly admits that he's going through a rough patch. She asks how much he needs, pulling a wad out of her bra. Patrick gravely says that a real man doesn't take handouts, and Mai -- correctly guessing that he's been getting advice from Buzz -- asks whether a real man rides around town flinging papers off a bike with a little bell on it. Patrick relents, and Mai hands over her mad money, ordering, "Don't tell Buzz." "Don't tell Annie," Patrick replies. "Don't tell Celia," adds Mai. "Don't tell Jerome," says Patrick. Off Mai's quizzical look, he explains that Jerome lives for gossip. Heh. Mai makes to leave just as Celia enters. Patrick's mommies have a brief stare-down, and then Celia also gives him a cheque. He tries to refuse, but she says she can help him if she wants, and that he doesn't have to tell Annie. I have to say, I get why Buzz is giving Patrick money advice from 1963, and why Celia wants to have a secret with Patrick that Annie isn't privy to, but Mai knows Annie has a crazy work ethic and a lot of ambition, and if the two of them joined forces, they could turn Mai's eBay store into the Juicy Couture inside of a year.
Outside, Marin runs into Buzz, telling him they need more paintbrushes. Buzz cracks that they need the crew from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. That product placement out of the way, Marin calls Buzz's attention to the little "shed" in the back, and he gleefully informs her that it's not a shed, it's an outhouse. Marin muses that she should turn it into a meditation room. Yeah, I don't know that the vapours of poos past are necessarily all that conducive to enlightenment. Marin then runs into Theresa, who's also on hand for the painting party, and reminds Marin that she's on for Ben's breakfast the morning. So, remember, the Chieftain couldn't shut down when its owner had heart problems, but now that Marin has need of a painting crew (not that she even asked for it, mind you), Sara and Theresa AND JEROME are all right there. Maybe Theresa brought the keg and just relocated the establishment to Marin's for the day, customers and all. She apparently brought a grill, because that's where Marin finds Lynn, who says she's on chow because it's not good for her to be around paint fumes what with the B-A-B-Y and all. Marin's like, "Oh, right, I forgot about your fetus for thirty seconds." Lynn tries to interrupt the awkwardness by asking how Marin liked the tree, and Marin's like, "Jack's tree? I loved it!" Lynn says that it was from both of them, and Marin stutters that he didn't say so, and thanks Lynn for the gift as well. Jack appears, and Lynn hands him the tongs and drifts off, making a mental note to fight with him about his big-salad-credit-taking later.
Celia's. She and Ellis have apparently just finished doing their dirty business, and she's ready to "go again" already. Ellis begs for a drink of water, and Celia huffs and reaches over him to hand him a bottle of water so that they can get back to the matters at hand. And mouth. And parts unknown. Ellis, however, would like to have a conversation; he doesn't just want to be her boy toy, he wants to be her boyfriend, not that he can even get the whole word out before Celia covers his mouth. She tells him that she has a lot going on, what with Patrick's upcoming wedding, so she can only concentrate on one man at a time. Then there's a "bottoms up!" joke, the implications of which I would rather not consider.
Moving on! Back at Marin's, the lady of the house brushes her teeth as she scrubs out her scungy sink. She drops the used paper towel in the completely dry toilet (which, if she's been flushing paper towels in it, I may have a theory as to how it got stopped up in the first place), rolls her eyes...
...and very reluctantly makes her way to an outhouse that's apparently so disgusting, it even stinks in the winter. As Marin settles onto the toilet seat -- or over it, I hope, since if it's really that cold, her butt would totally stick to it -- she looks up and sees a bat hanging from the ceiling. I can top that! One time when I was working in an office that had been converted out of an old town house, I went to the bathroom in the morning only to find a bat in the toilet. ALIVE. I...went ahead and used the men's room on that particular day.
After commercials, the bat's still hissing at Marin. It flies off its perch, and Marin freaks out, but only a little, and manages to walk quickly back into the house. She pulls out her phone and calls Jane, but when she figures out that she's interrupted Sam and Jane having sex, she's all, "Everything's fine! Bye!" Jane presses her to tell her what's wrong, and Marin tries to be breezy as she says there's a bat in the outhouse. Marin says that going to the bathroom is overrated and hangs up...but of course Jane still has to cut short her evening and rush over, like there's anything JANE could do to mitigate a bat situation. Sam sadly says that even though Jane's there, he misses her more than when she was in New York. Jane says she knows, and then apparently leaves anyway, with all the bat-handling equipment she obviously brought with her from New York.
Chieftain. Theresa's in the back, doing paperwork, when Sara appears in the doorway to get her paycheque. Theresa hands it over, noting that Sara balanced the books. Sara says she hopes Theresa didn't mind, but in fact, Theresa is thrilled. They are having a perfectly pleasant conversation when Theresa has to bring up the caribou in the room, asking whether Theresa wanted her out because she doesn't like the job Sara did, or because she doesn't like Sara. Theresa says that she does like Sara, and that she did a great job, but that...uh, Sara has designs on Ben, hello. Sara says that she did like Ben, but that he's Theresa's husband, and Sara respects that. Theresa quickly asks about Sara's French toast recipe, and then asks her to come in the day and show Theresa how to make it. Sara is way too excited about working at the Chieftain, but they shake on it, anyway, and I congratulate both women on being so mature -- not that it takes much when one has Marin to compare them to.
Jack's. Lynn and Jack are in the middle of a fight about the fucking tree, of course. The upshot is that Jack wants to protect Marin's feelings by not rubbing her face in his relationship with Lynn, and Lynn wants them to be a "we" again. This request apparently makes Jack feel constipated.
Patrick shows up at Ben's with his midnight snack. Ben is in the process of catching Patrick up on All My Koreans when suddenly Ben's giant TV is taken over with an image of Annie, advertising the Elmo Inn by means of an extremely low-budget commercial. She could have at least come up with some kind of jingle -- "Call Mr. Plow/ That's my name..."
In her kitchen, Marin is checking on the batch of muffins she's making for Ben when Jane shows up. Marin thanks her for coming and asks after Sam, but before Jane can answer that, she notices that the bat is hanging out on the back of Marin's robe. Physical comedy ensues, and ends with the bat making it back outside, and Jane making the lame crack that gives this episode its title. Wah wah.
Annie is snoring away in bed when she's awakened by a violent knocking at her door: of course, it's Patrick, freaking out about her ad. She tells him a few things: the ad cost $6, she doesn't expect him to provide for them all by himself, she would marry him in the bathroom at the Chieftain, and she thinks they could work together to save money if she moved into the Inn. Mai/Annie business venture! Dammit, they can't hear me.
Jack's. Lynn has her arm thrown over Jack's back, so that we can see both their tattoos, but when she says, "Jack...," he begs to continue the fight in the morning. Yes, that'll give you something to look forward to all night.
Marin's. Jane's in bed with Marin, who says she should be in bed with Sam. Jane says it's weird for her to be the friend with the boyfriend, but Marin assures her that it's great. But before Marin can take the step and order Jane to go fuck Sam, they are interrupted by the sound of a lot of breaking glass. Jane guesses that the bat "sent reinforcements," but both steel themselves to creep out and see what's going on...
...and then a bear is all "I'M IN UR KITCHEN, ETING UR MUFINS."
After commercials, the bear's still snacking. Does a bear shit in the woods? With all the flax seed this one's consuming, the answer is "copiously." Jane orders Marin to call Jack. Marin asks whether it's really a life-threatening situation. Jane doesn't want to wait until they're completely sure.
So Marin calls Jack, but Lynn is the one who answers. She gets Jack right on it. He apologizes for leaving her, but she's not so big a drama queen that she's going to get pissy about him dealing with A BEAR IN MARIN'S HOUSE.
By the time Jack gets out there (sirens blaring and Celia right behind him), the bear has made its way over to Marin's bedroom door and is inspecting it without any apparent urgency. Jane's at the window, and tells Jack that Marin's singing ("My Favorite Things," specifically) to try to scare the bear. Jack lets himself in; Celia follows, with megaphone. Jack holds out a bucket of fresh fish heads, and then throws it out the front door, drawing the bear outside. Jane and Marin emerge, still shivering with fear, and on the porch, Celia and Jack aggressively yell at the bear to get lost. Jane: "Fish heads and a megaphone? We could've done that." Yeah, not until Marin gets a working fridge.
Later, Jane and Celia have apparently cleared out, leaving Jack and Marin to flirtily not flirt on the porch. Marin says she hates that she had to call him. Jack shrugs that it's his job. Marin muses that everyone might have been right that she moved in too soon. Jack guesses that she was excited to move in, but Marin says she just wanted to move on, from them -- to be on her own. Jack says that in Elmo, you can't do anything on your own; he adds that it hasn't been easy for him either, and with a kiss on her cheek, he saldy takes his leave. I guess the bear's a 'shipper.
Inn. An excited Korean couple checks in, quoting Annie's ad when they see her. Advertising works! Just like all those bus-stop bench ads have been telling me.
Chieftain. Patrick and Annie have gathered Patrick's various parents together to return the money they loaned him, and to announce that they're moving in together. Celia tries to act like she's okay with it, and is about as successful as she ever is, which is to say, not very.
Marin's. As Jane and Marin clean up the muffin detritus, Marin admits that she rushed it with the house. Jane hopefully asks whether Marin's going to sell it, but she says she's going to back to the Inn until the house is ready: "I'm going to date it." I hope she knows that this house is not going to be a cheap date.
Jack's/Celia's. The chief is enjoying her SAD machine when Ellis bursts in: he heard she responded to a bear attack, and he came to see if she was okay. She pissily asks who drives two hours just to check in, and Ellis says she knows who. Before she can say it, though, they briefly bond over their shared SAD suffering, and then Celia manages to call Ellis her boyfriend, admitting that doing so was kind of nice. Maybe now the heat from the SAD machine can melt the pole up her ass.
And then Marin's riding her bike again, saying that in order to start moving forward, you have to stop looking back. It's safe to stick with what's comfortable (Ellis joins a delighted Celia at the Chieftain)...but love isn't safe, and we don't know where it'll go (Jack and Lynn walk tensely down the street, not holding hands, as Marin cheerfully greets them on her way past). All we can do is hang on, "even if we feel vulnerable -- naked, even" (Jane finds Sam at work out on a snowy road, and takes off her coat to reveal that she only has her lingerie on underneath, and apparently all is forgiven as he pulls her up for a smooch). Though you might never feel ready to move on or move in, "you have to, because that's how we grow" (Marin bikes up alongside Patrick and Annie, who are way too excited to be delivering papers -- particularly Annie, who can't be at all comfortable sitting on Patrick's crossbar). "And growing is what it's all about." We conclude the episode as Marin fondles the tree that came from Jack. AND LYNN. OKAY?!