Alaska-ness. From shots of a mountain, a squirrel, and a sheet of ice, we cut to the Inn, and then to the bathroom, where Marin, brushing her teeth, notices a nearby glass of water briefly jittering back and forth. She montages through several attempts to break out of a hair rut with updos, but finally gives up, letting her hair fall into its usual foofy mop. It's called an elastic, Marin. Buy one and move on with your life.
At the Chieftain, Jerome lustily shows Ben an ad for the meat smoker he wants to buy. Down at the end of the bar with Annie and a sandwich (which is better company? Call it), Marin craps on his enthusiasm. Annie quaveringly asks if she's okay, and Marin snaps that she hates her hair today. "Ohhhh," say Annie and Theresa in knowing unison. "Seriously, you can get that crabby about your hair?" asks Ben, amused, and the women all assure him that you can. Marin says that a bad hair day has the power to "throw you off your game." Theresa drawls that she's had bad hair years, and Marin says that what she remembers most about Y2K is "bad bangs." Jerome shrugs that Marin looks fine to him, and Marin replies, "Thanks. You're also drunk." There's the gracious princess we all know and...can identify. Ben tells Marin to go get a haircut, and Marin says that the only person she trusts with her hair is Serge, in New York, who's been her stylist for ten years: "Longest relationship I have ever had." Ben can't believe it, but Marin says she'd trust Serge with her life.
At this point, Jack enters, and Ben practically jumps on him, so excited is he at the prospect of getting out of this inane conversation. No such luck -- Marin leaps off her stool and intercepts Jack before he can even get near the bar and asks, "You notice my hair, right?" She tosses her head back and forth, posing with it, and Jack's like, "Notice what?" Annie and Theresa share a look. Marin tells Jack to think back to when she first came to town. "...Okay," says Jack. "Now look at me," orders Marin. "Okay," says Jack again. Marin, her face falling, asks if he doesn't notice any difference, and Jerome warns Jack not to answer: "I smell a trap." You smell right, by drunken friend. "I don't know, Coach," gruffs Jack. "You always look good to me." Hot. "Good answer," says Jerome approvingly. True -- and proof that women really doll themselves up more for each other than they do for men. Having nimbly extricated himself from Marin's hair trap, Jack heads for the bar, but Marin's self-esteem has not been shored up, and she takes her seat again, saying that she needs a "maintenance day." "Me too!" enthuses Annie. "Are we still talking about hair, or cars?" asks Ben, probably not wanting to know the answer. Marin says it's not just hair, but her whole physical being, and that in New York, she'd have a maintenance day every six weeks -- hair, mani/pedi, facial...she doesn't say "wax," but I'm going to wager that was a big part of it -- and that she's forgotten to take care of herself. Theresa mutters, "It happens up here." Ben, exasperated, asks what difference it makes what Marin looks like in Elmo: "I mean, look around you." Good point. There are probably Japanese soldiers in Jerome's beard who don't know the war is over. Marin also calls out the dudes' "unruly facial hair," and then another tremor jitters her glass. "Did you feel that?" she asks, alarmed. No one else seems affected; Jack asks what she felt, and she tells him it was the earth moving. Everyone waves her off as Jack says, "The earth moves all the time up here." Annie nerds that there were 17,000 earthquakes in Alaska the year; even Jack is kind of dismayed that she knows that, and she covers, "I sit in an office all day, so I read." To Marin, Jack metas, "You get used to it -- get so you don't even feel the tremors anymore." Marin doesn't think that likely, crabbing that the closest thing to earthquakes in New York is "the rumble of the 7 train." Annie eagerly takes up the thread: "Or when crazy people come up to you in the street and shake you?" Marin, taking the subject back to its rightful place (herself) tells everyone to laugh it up: "But don't complain when my hair looks like a mop." "Got it," murmurs Jack. Hee! Marin defensively asks if he's saying her hair looks like a mop now (er...kind of), and as Jack contemplates his answer, Jerome smugly reminds him that it was a trap. Fortunately, the scene ends before we have to watch Jack chewing his leg off to escape.
Sheriff's/Jack's. Annie's filing when Patrick enters, slamming the door. Annie turns on him, warblingly asking where he was the night. Patrick says that he's been thinking, and warns her that she should sit down. She does, and a flustered Patrick announces that he thinks Buzz is his father. Annie is not remotely prepared for this reveal. Patrick tells her about the seven sneezes, but Annie doesn't know if Buzz's potential paternity is even possible. It is, however, highly alliterative. Celia enters, cooing that it's such a nice surprise to see Patrick, but he has no time for pleasantries, asking point-blank, "Is Buzz my father?" Celia's sunny smile is gone in a second, and she guiltily tries to cover: "Is who your what now?" Annie, sensing trouble, books it to Jack's office as Patrick quietly says, "You heard me, Mom." But as Celia stands there, devastated, Buzz bursts in and demands of her, "Is Patrick my son?" Oh man, it's an awkward sandwich! Patrick says that he got there first, and Celia turns, with a sad smile, and tells Buzz, "Yes, Buzz. You are Patrick's father." Turning to Patrick, she says, "And vice versa, or whatever." Patrick goggles; Buzz has to sit down. Patrick is still stunned practically silent, and Buzz incredulously says that "the boy is the colour of--" "Cottage cheese," Celia finishes. "I know." She says that such genetic goulashes are possible.
Patrick's back at Buzz and Celia Totally Doing It, but they both assure him that it was only once. Celia says that she and Hal had been having problems for a while beforehand, and Patrick blurts, "It's still cheating! You cheated on my dad!" Realizing what he's said, he sheepishly tells Buzz, "Sorry -- old dad, or fake old dad..." Buzz is still back on the fact that it was only one night, and that they were drunk, and Celia, getting annoyed, says that it only takes one time, and that she wasn't sleeping with Hal or anyone else at the time. To Patrick, she says that Buzz was her only friend, but Patrick replies that a friend is someone to whom you lend DVDs, not...you know, cooch access. Celia feelingly tells Patrick that she feels terrible. "How do you think I feel?" yells Buzz. "My son! Has been living right down the block!" Patrick, for his part, has been living for twenty-six years with someone he thought he could trust. Buzz quietly asks Celia how she could have kept this fact from him, and she says that pregnancy left her scared and confused, and Hal's disappearance added "alone" to the mix. She always intended to tell Buzz when the time was right, but Patrick is dubious that no right time occurred in the subsequent twenty-six years. Celia says that she just tried to be a good mother to Patrick. "Are you done?" says Patrick intensely. She nods that she is. "Then let me just say this," says Patrick, holding back tears. "You are a terrible mother." Oh, DAAAAAAMN. I think that's about the worst thing you can say to a mother, no matter who she is. You have to save that shit for, like, Susan Smith. Even Sante Kimes was probably fun to hang with at least some of the time. Celia exhales, gut-punched, as Patrick stomps out. But her awesome day isn't over, as Buzz adds, "Twenty-six years, and you couldn't tell me?" He also leaves, more sad than pissed off. Annie appears in the doorway of Jack's office and quietly asks if Celia's okay. "No, I'm not," says Celia, holding it together just well enough to be kind of mean to Annie so that we know she hasn't totally lost her mind.
After the credits, Patrick and Buzz have a little awkward in the parking lot. Patrick tries to forge a connection, but Buzz is like, "We'll see ya," and takes off in his truck. They've been father and son for five minutes and they're already at "Cat's In The Cradle"? Ouch.
At the radio station, a totally oblivious Marin asks whether Patrick knows where she could get a haircut. Patrick, obviously distracted, hands her a coupon to "Terry's Hair Emporium," saying that the business is a station sponsor. Marin turns her nose up, complaining that she doesn't trust hair places that offer coupons, nor is she attracted by businesses that call themselves "emporiums," but Patrick's like, "It's that or a wig, lady, you're in Alaska." Marin finally notices Patrick's distress, and after putting her off for a second, he confesses why he's upset. Marin is shocked to learn that Buzz is Patrick's father: "But you're so..." Patrick knows: "Apparently, ebony plus ivory can make...me." Marin, shaking her head, congratulates him: "This is good, right?" Patrick says he guesses it is, though he's not so cool with Celia, and has no idea how Buzz feels about the situation because he won't talk to Patrick about it: "I'm an emotional salad right now." Fresh? Green? Swimming in vinaigrette? Marin says that Patrick and Buzz are both "good guys," and therefore will work it out. Patrick's not so sure. But as he gazes at Marin's warm, beatific face, he gets a brainstorm, saying that it would help both the men in Celia's life if they could get some professional relationship coaching. Marin tries to weasel out of it, like she always does, saying that she coaches people on dating. "Well, I mean, that's what we're doing, right? Buzz and I -- we're getting to know each other? Starting to date? But without the bicycle built for two and the piña coladas?" That sounds like a TERRIBLE date, by the way -- one that definitely requires helmets. Patrick is so pitiful that Marin relents.
And then it's time for Marin's show, on which she tunes up on the earthquakes: "Every couple of minutes, I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. You guys say that I'll get used to it, but I don't know how I can." She looks at Patrick meaningfully as she asks the question of the week: "How do you get used to living on shaky ground?" Patrick looks like he's wondering that himself. Hang around in doorways?
Chieftain. Ben quizzes Sara for an EMT exam. Sara guesses (a), but an eavesdropping Jerome hisses at her that it's (b). She peers into her coffee cup and asks for a study break, and Ben gently asks what the problem is, since she knew this stuff the day before. She chalks it up to being tired, and Ben comfortingly says that she can rest all she wants after her exam. She says that she can't, actually, because the exam is just the first step: "If I pass this, then there are more classes. I've got my son to worry about, plus work...maybe this just isn't the right time for all this." Before answering, Ben asks Jerome to take off, bribing him with a shot. Once he's gone, Ben comes around the bar to ask Sara, "What if you didn't have to work anymore?" She doesn't grok his meaning, so he explains: "I really like you...I don't want you sleeping with other guys anymore." "Oh," she says, like she never imagined this would come up, regardless of her line of work. Ben takes her hand as he says that he wants to take care of things for her financially while she takes her EMT training. She starts to answer, but he tells her he knows she can take care of herself: "But neither one of us likes you taking care of yourself the way you've been taking care of yourself, so let me pay your way while you study." Sounding like she's not entirely opposed to the notion, Sara says that it sounds like an allowance, but Ben -- who is loaded, as we know -- shrugs that she can pay him back later; they'll call it a loan: "I have the money, and I'm making an investment in you." Sara blinks, thinks about it for half an hour, and then, still sounding hesitant, says, "Okay." As Ben squeezes her hand, she mutters, "I can't believe I'm doing this." Ben, pleased, kisses her and asks rhetorically, "Was that so hard?" Sara looks dismayed, like it's really compromising her independence and integrity to put her action on a temporary hiatus.
Buzz is at the multipurpose Elmo hall when Mai comes in to give him his forgotten lunch. As she gazes at him fondly, he seriously tells her, "You know I love you, right?" Mai cracks that he shouldn't get too excited; it's just peanut butter and jelly. Buzz says that it's not about lunch: she's his "little Mai Tai," and he loves her very much. Taking his measure, Mai squints, "What did you do now? Are you betting on college ball again?" Buzz says that he's just going to come out with it: "You know Chief Celia, right?" "Yeah," frowns Mai. He starts, "We slept together--" "I knew it!" she snaps, before he can finish his sentence. She cusses him out for disgracing their union, shoving him, but he says that it was decades ago, and once. She doesn't buy it: "Nobody sleeps with you once." Ohhhh! Get it, Buzz! He shrugs modestly, but just for a second, swearing that his night with Celia was a long time ago: "You know her son, Patrick?" "Sweet boy," says Mai impatiently, not getting it. "He's my son," says Buzz. "WHAT?" says Mai -- more incredulous than mad. She says that Celia's got to be lying, but Buzz insists that she isn't lying about this. "You're a baby daddy," says Mai, disgusted. Buzz says that he just found out that morning. Thinking he's mollified her, he wheedlingly asks how mad she is; by way of answer, she snatches his lunch out of his hand and stomps on it. And then she leaves, presumably to craft her email to get them on The Maury Povich Show.
Chieftain. Sara's at the bar, papers spread out before her, when Carl -- formerly MaybeReGenesisGuy -- rolls up, shyly saying that he looked for Sara at the bar. She cheerfully says that she was studying, and he's like, "Aw, that's cute. Now take your pants off." But, like...nice. As Ben eavesdrops, Sara kindly says she doesn't think so, and that she's sorry. Carl's silent in response (and this is where I notice that he's got his coat over his arm, in front of him, like even the idea of making a date with Sara has given him a massive hard-on of anticipation). Sara shoots Ben a look (he sort of nods encouragingly), and then Sara amends her statement to say that she's out of the "hospitality business," a nice way of saying that she's closed the junk shop. At this, all the dudes in the bar look up in shock. "What about us?" says Carl immediately, on all their behalves. "What are we gonna do?" Uh...invest in some hand cream? Get an internet account? Find out what Celia's up to? Theresa kind of makes the same point, but the guys are unimpressed, and Sara apologizes. And, I mean...okay, it's an important service she provides, but it's not like she's the only skilled practitioner in the state. Is she? Because if she is, I'm surprised she wasn't more tired before she started studying for her exam.
Buzz enters the bar, and Marin, sitting with Patrick, calls him over. Buzz greets them pleasantly enough and tries to move on, but Marin calls him back, asking him to sit down and pouring him a beer. He does, reluctantly (mostly for the free beer, I'd say), and Marin starts the discussion by saying that Patrick told her about their situation. "You've been telling people?" Buzz snaps at Patrick, who lamely says that he's only told Marin...and Annie: "And in my head, I wrote a letter to Dear Abby." I'm sure she'd offer the most helpful advice a cranky old lady possibly could. Patrick says that Marin is going to help them, and she kicks off by saying that the guys are going to have to talk to each other. She starts the best way she knows how -- with an overwrought metaphor. They're in uncharted territory, like a forest: "What kind of system do we use when we are exploring uncharted territory?" "GPS," shrugs Buzz. "Stop, drop, and roll," tries Patrick. Apparently, they're both wrong: it's the buddy system. I think Buzz was slightly more right. Anyway, Marin's version of the buddy system is that they rely on each other -- when one can't talk, the other has to, though I don't recall talking being part of it when we had to use it on museum field trips when I was a kid. Marin promises that eventually it will get easier. The men both fail to talk, so Marin kicks things off with the bleeding obvious: "Buzz, you are Patrick's father." Buzz looks around shiftily before quietly agreeing. Patrick notices and hisses, "Are you ashamed of me?" After a moment, Buzz allows, "I'm not sure I'm ready for this to get out to the world. I'm not even sure how I feel about it yet!" Marin soothingly says that not everything becomes public knowledge, which is Jerome's cue to show up and tell them all about Sara and Ben's new financial arrangement. Hee. Buzz is like, "See?" Jerome leaves, and Buzz tells Patrick, "You're a nice kid, but I can't do this." He gets up -- leaving an almost-full glass of beer, oh my God! Patrick protests, but Buzz says that he needs to work out how he feels about this news before he can have any more couples' counselling with Marin: "I'm going up to my cabin. I'm sorry!" He leaves, and Patrick pouts that he's only had a father for a day and he's already leaving. Marin says that Buzz is struggling, but that it has nothing to do with Patrick. She then gives him the inane advice of pushing Buzz by going to bother him at his cabin. Yes, what better way to show someone that your new part in his life is a good thing than by sticking to his grill like last year's ribs? Shut up, Marin.
As Marin's talking, Celia enters, comes over to the table, and orders Patrick, "We are going to have a conversation. You can at least do me that decency. I am your mother." See, Patrick? You're being as big a jerk to her as Buzz is to you -- maybe more, because at least Buzz is trying. When Patrick ignores Celia, she tries to compel him to talk, as his chief of police. Marin tries to slip away, but Patrick won't let her. So Celia decides to make Marin relay a message to Patrick, even though he's sitting right there and can hear perfectly well: she's sorry. Patrick doesn't react, so Celia PUSHES HIM (MARIN): "We good?" By way of answer, Patrick gets up from the table and walks off quickly. Left alone, Celia looks at Marin: "You couldn't coach a man out of a burning building." Yeah, not if what was waiting for him outside was you, Celia. I mean, why can't everyone in this episode just get out of each other's way for a while? Celia stomps off, just in time to miss a table-jittering tremor. Marin freaks out, but everyone's gotten used to ignoring her by now.
After commercials, generic "gay" club music plays over an establishing shot of a cute little white bungalow. As we cut inside, we see Marin and Annie, letting themselves into Terry's Hair Emporium, where they're met by Terry himself, played by Mario Cantone, perhaps in preparation for his role as the voice of Sunsilk. He's wearing a plaid flannel shirt, neatly tucked into his chinos, and is practically subdued here, which is kind of unsettling; imagine Sam Kinison playing, like, Atticus Finch and you can get an idea of how incongruous it is. Annie and Marin seem kind of disappointed; Annie burbles, "We thought you'd be..." "Tanner?" offers Terry. "My bed broke last week." Marin explains that they thought "Terry" would be a woman. "Honey, this is Elmo," drawls Terry. "I'm as close to a woman as it gets." That's probably true, now that Sara's in semi-retirement. Annie stupidly says that she's never met a male "Terry," and he explains that although he prefers "Terence," it's too butch for a hair salon. As Marin and Annie contemplate this, Terry gays it up another notch, saying, "You girls look as sad as they end of The Way We Were." Marin's like, "My people!" but before she can even get over her shock enough to speak, Terry says, "I just saw it again." "Finally, someone notices this yarn barn on my head," says Marin, who apparently isn't fussy about where her male attention comes from. Terry, playing with it a little, says that he'll try to "stop the bleeding," and Maintenance Day is on, yo!
Later, Annie is half-done and sitting under a dryer as Terry tells Marin he's a big fan of her radio show. Marin says she's lucky to have found Terry; she was afraid she'd have to cut her own hair, or go to a barber shop. "Why not just join the army, Mar?" snips Terry. She guesses that "Ter" is not a local, and Terry says that he's "as New York as the Statue of Liberty, but less of a queen." Marin chuckles, and Annie -- weirdly shocked to meet another transplant like...Marin and HERSELF -- asks what Terry's doing in Elmo. He says that he and his ex-partner were on a gay cruise when, halfway out of port, Terry caught his ex with the purser. Marin and Annie both gasp in horror. Terry left the ship the soonest he could, which was in Elmo (and I know that the Alaskan cruises hit some wee ports of call, but I'm thinking they're at least big enough to have gas stations, but ANYWAY): "I fell in love with the place." "You fell in love with all the men," accuses Marin delightedly, and Terry admits, "Sure, that helps." Mostly he loved the place's natural beauty. There's another tremor, to which Terry and Annie don't even react. Marin's like, "Nothing?" and Terry calls her a "tremor virgin." Annie twitters that they aren't tremors: "I think it's your heart. It's aflutter over Jack." Marin waves her off. "Jack Slattery?" gasps Terry excitedly. Marin says he's a friend. "Jack Slattery," says Terry again. "That's a head of hair I'd like to untangle." Good luck. Boyfriend likes his mousse. Annie gets out of the dryer to bug Marin about the "undeniable attraction" between her and Jack. Terry's fascinated, but Marin disputes Annie's version of events, though she will allow that there's an attraction there: "The man looks like a young Paul Newman!" "I'd fall into those cool hands, Luke," murmurs Terry. Word -- I'd put my cat on that hot tin roof. Ew, I grossed myself out. I'll spare you my speculation about his towering inferno. Marin tells both Annie and Terry that she's not in a mood to hook up with anyone: "I'm not feeling very trusting of men right now -- you excluded, Ter." He thanks her fondly, and then, of course, there's another tremor, and then, of course, the realization dawns on everyone that, in the middle of all the earthquaking, Ter accidentally cut off an enormous chunk of Marin's hair. Marin is as horrified as Terry is mortified. If he expects repeat business out of this, he'd better come up with one huge-ass coupon.
At his house, Ben leads a blindfolded Sara into an office he's nicely set up for her to study in: "You need a place to study. You're not at the Inn anymore, and the Chieftain's pretty noisy, so..." Sara seriously says that Ben's doing too much, and he confirms, "But you like it. And you want to use it." Her resistance looking foolish, she flaps her hands, helplessly saying that of course she likes it -- she loves it. Well, obviously -- there's a damn African violet on the desk and everything. It's lovely. Petting the desk, Ben tells Sara to use it and enjoy it: "Who knows, you might get comfy!" Sara looks dismayed, and Ben gets her unspoken meaning, babbling that he's going too fast, but that he's just happy. Sara chuckles, saying that he's being sweet, but that no one's ever done so much for her before. Ben says that he believes in her: "Get used to it." Reaching into his pocket, he gives her the key: "I promise not to lock you up in here." They kiss, and it's cute. They're totally my favourite couple on the show, and she just needs to relax and accept help when it's offered.
Chieftain. Annie's all glamorously blown out, and Marin's got her hair all stuffed in her hat. Annie lies that her hair doesn't look that bad, but Marin's not taking it from Miss Hair Show 2006. She's pulled up short when she sees Jack, who immediately asks her what's up with the hat. She says that they might as well get it over with, and pulls the hat off, turning to reveal her wildly uneven layers. Jack's like, "And?" Marin yelps all over him for not noticing that she looks bad, like, just be grateful he's not calling you Honeymoon Suite, with that reverse mullet you're rocking. "Oh, you got a haircut!" guesses Jack. "Looking good, champ," says Jerome, giving her a thumbs-up. Carl agrees, but Marin turns again, insisting that she's hideous -- an earthquake-related tragedy. Annie explains about the tremor. Jack asks if Terry couldn't fix it, but Marin's been hurt now, and won't trust Terry with her hair again. And I'm not going to sit here and act like her short-long looks good -- it don't -- but it could have been easily fixed if she'd just let Terry cut it all to the shorter length, or at least give her some graduated layers or something. She knows it wasn't on purpose -- it was force majeure -- and she can plainly see that Terry did a good job on Annie, so what the fuck? As usual, Marin is being ridiculous because she needs to have all the attention in the state focused on herself. And then this ridiculousness pays off as Jack says that he can fix it. Can he cut hair? Well, kind of; he put himself through school grooming dogs: "I saw the same problem as yours once on a border collie." Marin's affronted that he could compare her to Lassie, and Jack chuckles that he can help if she wants him to. Marin, of course, gets on her high horse and refuses, and then there's another tremor. At least now everyone else can feel it too, though Marin queerly lies that she barely felt a thing. Shut up, Marin. Go buy a Flowbee.
Elsewhere, Patrick is barging into Buzz's cabin, demanding that they talk. Buzz considers this for a moment, and then offers Patrick a whiskey. Patrick's "more of a hard cider guy" (shocker), and Buzz pleasantly says that he likes cider too -- "with whiskey in it." As he gets out the bottle and a couple of glasses, Patrick opens his knapsack and produces a "memory box." He sheepishly says he knows it's kind of lame, but that it's stuff he was saving in case he ever found his dad. Buzz seems a little affected by this, and lets Patrick open the box. He pulls out some kind of feathery doodad, and Patrick proudly explains that he made it at camp. Buzz kind of chuckles at it fondly for a moment, and then tosses it back, saying he's not quite ready for the memory box yet. Patrick urges him to give it a try, and gets out a snapshot, asking if Buzz remembers it: it's a photo of Celia headlocking both Patrick and Buzz. Looking at it briefly, Buzz says that this was a bad idea. Patrick's like, "But the buddy system!" Buzz says that they're not buddies; he doesn't know what they are. Because HE HASN'T HAD A CHANCE TO BE ALONE WITH HIS THOUGHTS FOR FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT, PEOPLE. And then there's a tremor, and guess what? It's time for a classic TV cliché: two people who don't get along are stuck together in a cabin snowed in by an avalanche! I assume the episode in which bitter rivals get to be locked overnight in a walk-in freezer airs week.
After commercials, Sara is getting ready to take her EMT exam. The tester's name is June, and she introduces the assembled students to Buddy (of course), the CPR dummy they'll be using. Looking around, she notices Sara, and comments (not unkindly) that it's a surprise to see her there. And then, because everyone lives in everyone else's business in Elmo, June has to chirp, "You're not working today?" What are you, June, her pimp? The dudes in front of Sara turn to look at her nosily, and she loses her nerve, getting up and exhaling, "I can't do this." She gathers her things and takes off. Again, I have to ask how long Sara's been doing this, if the curiosity of the locals can upset her this much. I feel like if you've decided to work pretty openly as an escort, over all other career paths available to you, you have to develop a thicker skin. Both figuratively and literally.
Chieftain. Because of the severity of the last tremor, Celia has to conduct a head count of all the town's residents to make sure no one's missing. After being pissy about it to Marin for a minute, she asks, "Have you seen Patrick?" Annie: "He went to talk to Buzz -- Marin told him to." Marin's like, "Ix-nay," but Celia lets it pass for now, asking where Buzz is. Marin says that he's at his cabin, and Celia immediately realizes that Buzz and Patrick are in danger from the avalanche. Annie freezes (heh) in terror.
In danger, Patrick and Buzz try unsuccessfully to dig themselves out. Buzz then sits uncomfortably at the table; when Patrick asks if he's okay, Buzz says he's claustrophobic. Patrick points out that Buzz flies all the time in a tiny cockpit, but Buzz says that he's surrounded by "wild blue yonder." Buzz darts his eyes back and forth nervously. "You know what relaxes me?" asks Patrick. Please, don't let it be naked tai chi.
At the community center/post office/radio station/squash court, Marin has changed her outfit (even having neatly tucked her hair into a different concealing hat), and Celia has calmly set up a rescue command post and is briefing the assembled volunteer searchers on the situation, concluding by saying, "My son might be up there." There's a beat, as Celia collects herself, and Marin -- abhorring a sonic vacuum -- pipes up to assure her, "At least he's with his dad." Celia glares at her, and there's a general "rhubarb, rhubarb" as Elmo's world-class gossips register this shocking news. "Oops," Marin lamely tells Celia. "This is al your fault," snaps Mai. "You made him run." Marin, really distressed, says that she was just trying to help. Celia yells that she should mind her own business (generally true), and as Marin cries a little, Celia gets hold of herself again and barks a plan of attack. And guess what? They'll be searching in teams of two. Buddy-style, if you will. Celia adds that less-experienced climbers should partner with experts, and Marin pounces on Jack like a stray dog on a steak. He puts her off, saying it's too dangerous, but she urgently bleats at him, "This is all on me." Jack intensely tells her not to listen to Celia and Mai, but Marin begs him to take her with him, apparently caring less about slowing him down and reducing his effectiveness in the search than she does about her own mission of personal redemption. And Jack stupidly relents.
When they've arrived at the base of the mountain -- not remotely snowy, but anyway -- Jack is already over it, curtly telling Marin to hurry up. There's an implication that she was wasting time peeing, and then Jack tells her, "Tie yourself up." Marin fixates on the metaphorical implications, haughtily saying, "No! I'm not tying myself to you." Jack impatiently says that she has to. Marin, complying, asks what happens if she falls and takes Jack out with her. "That's why I didn't want you for a buddy, Calamity Lame," Jack doesn't reply. Instead, he expertly ties up her bungee cord and says that if one of them goes down, they both do -- there could be aftershocks. Marin looks scared, but seriously, Jack is the one looking at the raw end of this deal.
Back at the command post, Mai, Celia, and Annie wait nervously. Mai has turned her anxiety on the nearest target: Celia. "This is all your fault," Mai moans. "You're the one who can't control yourself!" Annie quavers that they're "not going to play the blame game," but Celia self-pities that Mai is right: Celia's lies brought Patrick and Buzz into their current predicament. She says that she never should have slept with Buzz, but Annie sternly reminds Celia that if she hadn't, she wouldn't have Patrick, and she wouldn't want that. Celia quietly agrees that Annie is right: "He's all I have." Aw. I'll bet Celia wishes she could be like this all the time.
Amid the green, green shrubs of the avalanche-buried mountain (whatever), Marin is calling herself an idiot, cursing herself for getting into people's business. Jack, amused, says that people have come to expect that of her, and off Marin's look, takes it back, saying that it came out wrong. Jack goes back to the whole issue of Patrick's paternity, marvelling that Buzz has a son: "I can't imagine having a son. I mean, I imagine it, but not happening like this." Marin's never too concerned about others not to think about her own future, confirming that Jack does want kids. He says he does, and learns that she does, too. "Having a family is important to me -- it's kind of a dealbreaker," Jack adds. "Has it ever actually broken a deal?" asks Marin, at first sounding like she's trying to distract herself, but then actually losing the thread of what they're doing there on the mountain as she turns back and asks if that's what happened between Jack and Lynn. Jack stares at her like, "Really? Right now?" Marin agrees that she's poking, and turns back to their task, looking up the mountain and noticing something shiny (heh, of course). Jack, looking away, says that it's probably just sunlight reflecting off the snow, but Marin screeches, "What if it's Buzz and Patrick? Come on!" She takes off running, and because he's tethered to her, Jack lurches forward heavily, and falls down a boarded-up mine shaft. Marin flies backward, skidding along the ground as Jack's fall pulls taut the slack in the rope, and barely stops herself before falling on top of him. Nice one, buddy. Maybe when you're involved, Marin, it should be known as "the liability system."
After commercials, Jack's still in a hole. He stands in the beam of sunlight and tells Marin to get her shit together. She says she can't: "You're in a hole!" Jack says he's going to stay there unless she can get him out; he instructs her to walk backward, pulling the rope with her, and that he'll climb it. Marin springs into action, gathering the rope in her hands and walking backwards. But she's little and Jack's big; she tries her hardest, but physics are against them. The closer Jack gets to climbing out, the more Marin slides toward him in the hole, and she freaks out, sobbing that she can't do it. Jack, as if calming a skittish horse, tells her she can't give up. "Why not?" she squeals, flustered, and just when you're expecting some hackneyed speech about her self-esteem and strength or some such happy horseshit, Jack tells her, "[With] another tremor or aftershock, these rocks could dislodge, or the floor could give out from under me." Marin says that this is why people shouldn't be tied to her (which, if you'll recall, is possibly why Jack didn't want her for a buddy). Jack tells Marin that he's "not big on being tied to someone either," but that they are tied together, so "that's how it goes." He concludes, "So what's it going to be?" He tries to look supportive and heartening, even as he's probably shitting a brick over how unqualified Marin is for this.
In the cabin, Buzz is breathing into a paper bag as Patrick shows him the contents of the memory box; as we join them, Patrick's got a photo of himself from a Hallowe'en when he went trick-or-treating as "the human box." Hee. I bet the trick-or-treating in Elmo is pretty crappy, though -- few Snickers; lots of jerky. Patrick says that the photo always made him laugh, but now when he looks at it, all he thinks is that Celia knew Buzz was his father. Buzz, reluctantly, puts down the bag and tells Patrick not to be so hard on Celia: "She did what she thought was right." Patrick needles Buzz by asking whether it was right for Celia to cheat on Hal, but Buzz says that he's to blame here, too: "We both made a mistake." "So I'm a mistake," says Patrick narcissistically. Oh, Patrick. Some of the best people were. Buzz says that he isn't a mistake. Patrick pouts that he's "the product of a drunken one-night stand [Buzz] barely remember[s]." Which...see above. "I remember," says Buzz seriously. "Your mom, she's got this way of smiling when she's talking, like she's talking through a laugh. I always loved that." Patrick, smiling, agrees that he does, too. Buzz goes on: "After a while, things with Hal went bad, and she stopped smiling. And one afternoon, when he was away, we got to talking, and I heard that sound again, in her voice. And it just kind of happened." "And you were drunk?" asks Patrick pensively. After a moment, Buzz says, "We weren't drunk." At this, Patrick smiles a little. It possibly could be the smile of a man getting over himself.
Sara lets herself into the kitchen at the Chieftain and runs into Theresa, who says that Ben's out on the mountain with the rest of the volunteers. Sara says she knows, and hands Theresa an envelope, asking her to give it to Ben when she sees him. "You're breaking up with him in a letter?" asks Theresa dubiously. "You don't know what's in there," says Sara quietly. "I don't have to see what's in there," says Theresa. "I can see it all over your face." Sara pulls her hand back, and clichés, "It's not him, it's me. I'm not ready for all this change." Theresa closes her eyes a long moment, like she can't believe what's about to come out of her, and finally says, "Ben's a great guy, Sara. Don't do this." But Sara pusses out, leaving the envelope on a countertop and asking Theresa, "See that he gets this," before hauling ass out of there.
Back at the shaft, Marin's apparently followed Jack's instructions and wrapped the rope around a solid, thick tree and anchored herself firmly. Jack pulls himself up the rope and out of the shaft, finally falling on the ground in exhaustion. "We did it!" breathes Marin, leaning over him. "You did it," says Jack seriously, kind of ruining the moment by making it about her triumph rather than her carelessness, which is what landed him in a hole in the first place. At least the producers manage to resist having them kiss here; instead, Marin helps Jack to his feet, and there's some awkward close standing, but although Marin looks like she'd be ready to throw down right here, Jack apparently remembers their purpose and doesn't succumb.
After the commercials, Buzz and Patrick are looking up at the cabin ceiling, watching melted snow drip through. Patrick imploringly asks whether people are looking for them, and Buzz assures him that they are. Patrick wanders over to the bed, where he finds a pad and starts writing a letter to Annie and Celia. But then he crumples up his first attempt, realizing that each will want her own letter. Buzz asks for his own piece of paper and a pencil, and starts to write. "Who's George?" asks Patrick reading over his shoulder. After some automatic defensiveness, Buzz says that George is his other son: "I had a family back in Detroit." George was a baby when Buzz left. Patrick is upset to learn that Buzz "bailed." "I wanted to fly," says Buzz. "I knew I could do that here in Elmo. I figured I'd send for them later. It never happened." When Patrick doesn't change his disappointed expression, Buzz adds, "I sent cheques. Doesn't make me father of the year." "So you ran from him, and you tried running from me," Patrick surmises. "I'm a runner," Buzz hesitantly admits. Patrick reels, and asks for the whiskey. Guy, at least he's talking to you. Buzz say that the only other person who knows about George is Celia (though we've had a hint before). Patrick remarks that she keeps a lot of secrets. Buzz says that she probably kept Patrick's "for all the right reasons": "She figured I'd probably run again." "Would you have?" asks Patrick. Buzz starts to nod, but then suggests that they finish their letters instead. As they're getting to it, though, Buzz notices that the emergency headlamp Patrick's wearing is fading, and starts hysterically babbling that "this is how old Buzz is going to go out." Patrick, trying to be competent in the face of Buzz's fear, says that there have to be batteries "somewhere in this junk." Buzz scolds him not to call his stuff junk. Patrick, totally blind, clatters into something. Buzz calls out to ask what he's done, and Patrick emerges from the dark corner of the cabin, admitting that he broke a couple of Buzz's fishing poles. Buzz complains that he's had some of them since he was a kid, but then self-pityingly adds that he guesses he won't need them where he's going. Patrick starts trying to reassemble one, and Buzz says that it used to belong to his own dad, and that Patrick can have it if he gets out. Easy to be magnanimous when you think you're about to die, apparently. But then, suddenly, Patrick breaks one of the rods in half. Buzz leaps to his feet, asking what Patrick's doing. But don't worry: Patrick's got a plan! He gives Buzz all the rods, telling him to break them. One short montage later, Patrick's attached a red strip of fabric to the end of one rod, stuck a whole bunch of others together, and poked them through the chimney and up through the snow; a tiny circle of daylight shines down on them, and they rejoice. Patrick waves the red flag back and forth, and fortunately, Marin and Jack happen to be right there. Take that, wilderness tragedy!
Jack radios back to the command post to say he's found Buzz and Patrick, but will need help digging them out. The women at the hall hug and celebrate, differences forgotten...for now.
Back on the mountain, Marin looks down through the chimney at Buzz and Patrick, sipping figurative tropical cocktails and riding circles on their metaphorical tandem bike.
Mai and Buzz, and Annie and Patrick, are reunited at the sheriff's/Jack's. Celia stands by, all fifth-wheely, and then Patrick gives her a huge hug. As she gazes at him with relief and affection, Patrick tells Celia, "I have a brother, too." "I know," beams Celia.
At the Chieftain, Patrick and Buzz are regaling the rummies with the tale of their daring escape via broken fishing poles. Buzz: "Here I am, thinking, 'I just found out this is my son, and now I have to kill him!'" Chuckles all around. Buzz asks Patrick whether he knows how close he came to dying. Patrick: "I figured the avalanche [was] already going to do me in, so I took my chances with you!" More guffaws. Buzz quietly tells Patrick, "You came after me. You saved my life." To the group: "Little did I know I had a genius for a son." They clink glasses, and Buzz winks at Patrick fondly. I love a winker.
In a back office at the Chieftain, Ben notices Sara's envelope on his desk. He sets down the jars of olives and onions and opens the envelope, finding a letter that reads, "Ben I'm not worth this and you deserve more. I'm sorry Sara," and his $1000 cheque. As he's still staring at it in disbelief, Theresa appears and murmurs that she's sorry. He turns and asks, "You knew about this?" Theresa, her arms crossed judgmentally, says that Sara asked her to make sure that Ben got it. "And you let her go?" demands Ben hoarsely. Theresa blinks mutely. Ben lumbers past her, probably to hire the best PI in the state to find her, because did I mention? Loaded.
At the Inn, Jack is setting up a bowl and, I assume, some kind of flea shampoo as Marin says she can't believe she's letting him cut her hair. "Wow, you're going to wash it, too," coos Marin as he tips her head back, and Jack flirts that he's "full-service." Hot! Marin smiles up at him as he pours water from a pitcher onto her hair. Marin reiterates that it's hard for her to trust someone -- in case we didn't hear her the first fourteen times -- and Jack promises to drop the scissors at the first sign of a tremor. "It's not just the hair," says Marin. Wait, what? IT'S NOT?! No, seriously: it's hard for Marin to trust a man with anything, apparently, and as Jack works in the shampoo, he gruffs that trust is a two-way street: "Up on the mountain, I had to trust you. If I had to do it all over again, there's no one else I'd rather be tied to." Looking up at him, upside down, Marin throatily says that's sweet. Jack: "So, uh. Cool Hand Luke, or Hombre?" "What?" yips Marin. "Which version of the young Paul Newman do I look like?" grins Jack. Marin snickers, asking whether Annie told him that. "Terry," says Jack. "It's a small town, remember?" Marin's scandalized that stylist/client confidentiality has been breached, but Jack reminds her that he's her hairdresser now. Marin obediently leans back, as he instructs, and Jack pours rinse water over her head, asking if it's too hot. "It's perfect," says Marin. Man, if I could get a professional shampoo every day, I think I could put up with just about any other indignity. It's the best thing about a haircut.
Marin voice-over! "There's no such thing as steady ground. That's why the buddy system exists." Celia and Patrick continue reconciling. "It's important to find people you can trust -- someone you know will pull you out of whatever hole you fall into." Marin's still not entirely confident as Jack cuts her hair. "You can throw a line out to anyone--" Ben, at his desk, studies Sara's cheque. "But it's up to them to catch it and hold on." Sara and her son take a bus out of town. "In the end, you have to let yourself be tied to someone else." Jack cuts, and Marin giggles. "It's the only way we'll make it." At the Chieftain, Patrick shoots pool...with his dad. It's nice to see that they've managed to find their groove despite Marin's interference; she needs a few remedial lessons in how to be a good buddy.