Did you realize this show is set in Alaska? According to the establishing shots, it's true. The alarm goes off at 8 AM in Marin's room at the Inn, and she smiles as she hears Patrick's voice on the radio, reminding listeners that the station is "the home of The Marin Frist Show." She's less pleased when she hears him go on: "The real Marin Frist show began the day she was born. That's right, folks: Elmo's Frist lady has a birthday coming up weekend, and you're all invited to celebrate Saturday night at the Chieftain." She springs up in bed, hissing, "What?!" I don't know what it is about this angle, but suddenly her nose looks enormous. And also, we never learn how Patrick found out when Marin's birthday was, but I'll assume it was some online research about her that was only a little Mark David Chapman-y.
Marin rides her bike from the Inn to downtown Elmo, where she runs into Patrick, and immediately starts bleating at him about announcing her birthday. Patrick cheerfully says that it's not like he told the town her age. So here's Marin's latest cockamamie idea about reinventing herself: she's giving up birthdays, along with red meat and diet soda. As if a girl like Marin doesn't go through enough Diet Coke in a day to float a battleship. Patrick informs her that birthdays are a big deal in Elmo, much like Marin herself. She shakes her head, pretend-annoyed and secretly pleased, as Patrick adds that Patrick and Annie are throwing the party, whether Marin likes it or not. They cross paths with Jerome and some other guy, both clearly psyched at the thought of some drinking, possibly partly on someone else's dime. Marin giggles and rides on.
Back at the Inn, Sara comes down the stairs in time to see Patrick getting ready to carry a box upstairs. "New guest?" she asks brightly. Patrick's like, "Uh..." Behind him, of course, is Theresa; she's moving in. Sara and Theresa greet each other awkwardly. Sara offers Theresa a hand with her things, but Theresa, looking tired and wan, declines. Sara, having done her duty by making an insincere offer, hurries toward the front door, in time to greet Marin as "Birthday Girl" as Marin enters and Sara leaves. Marin irritably says that her birthday isn't until the weekend, but can't dwell on her own extremely interesting problems; instead, she has to confront Theresa's stuff and demand to know what it is. Theresa says that she's moving in, for now: "Ben felt it was time." That subject apparently closed, Patrick asks about Marin's ride, and Marin admits that she's getting excited about her birthday; the old Marin would have hated it, but the new Marin is going to embrace it. I'm sure all of Elmo is ever so relieved. Patrick tosses Marin her mail, asking what Old Marin's problem was with birthdays. Oh, Patrick. Old Marin had problems. It's best not to delve if you have anything else to do today beyond hearing about them. With a little huff, Marin says that her younger sister Liza's birthday is the day before Marin's, so the two have shared a birthday almost their whole lives -- ever since Marin was three, anyway, when Liza was "the new baby": "And she's still the new baby. My parents actually still call her 'New Baby.'" So that this party is for Marin alone is exciting for her, and she has the grace to thank Patrick for that. She turns to go, but Patrick stammeringly calls her back: "Hypothetically, if New Baby were here for your birthday, would that be a good thing, a bad thing...?" Marin barely has time to react with a bitter look before the door flies open, and New Baby herself (played by Ever Carradine) is standing there, squealing, "Surpriiiiiiiiise!" Marin turns with a gasp, but covers quickly. Liza really thinks she is something, you can just tell.
Chieftain. Marin is ushering Liza in amid a flurry of disclaimers: "Try not to judge, it's not New York." Everyone turns to look at the skirts, and Liza flutters, "It's lumberjack heaven!" She waves excitedly at all the dudes; Marin anxiously reminds her that she just got out of a relationship, and Liza thinks that means she's "free and clear and ready for takeoff!" As she makes a beeline for the bar, taking off her gorgeous blue gloves, she points at Jerome and gasps, "You are adorable." Jerome looks pleased to get any female attention, patronizing or no. Liza chirps that she wants to put him in her pocket and take him home. "Do I get to pick which pocket?" he asks, leering at her ass. Marin stiffly introduces Liza and Jerome. By now, Liza's taken off her coat to reveal a strappy tank top (over a supersonically powerful push-up bra, based on what I know of Ever Carradine from her past performances), and she makes a big show of breathing in the "man scent" in the air. Ben, tickled, jokes that some of his patrons don't shower that often, but Liza loves the funk, since she's sick of metrosexuals. She wants a "man man...a countrysexual!": "I want a guy who would kill a bear for me and make me a coat out of it -- do they do that here?" Jerome raises a finger, like, "Right here," and Marin says that they do kill bears, but that she can't vouch for anyone's skill with a sewing machine. She introduces Ben to Liza, who barely registers him before flirt-waving at another dude down the bar and telling Marin, "I think my husband's here." Marin reminds her that she's still technically still married to Husband #2, and Liza breezily tells Marin she's no fun. Interesting strategy, introducing a character more flighty, shallow, and boy-crazy than Marin. Anyway, Liza shrugs, "You can't help it if you fall in love, Marin. Love is bigger than all of us, and I believe in love." Marin rolls her eyes, like having someone else pontificate about love is so irritating, and Jerome pipes up to tell Liza, "I love you." Liza melts, her hands crossed on her chest. Marin tells him to keep his hands off her baby sister. Jerome agrees with Liza that she's no fun.
Sheriff's/Jack's office. Marin bursts in to talk to Annie -- and to Patrick, who is also there. He asks after New Baby, and Marin snips at him to call Liza by her real name, adding that she left Liza at the Chieftain, playing Quarters. "Quarters at noon -- that's hardcore," mutters Patrick to Annie, and Marin, with a strained smile, agrees that Liza is a handful. "Should we not have invited her?" breathes Annie, and Marin insincerely says that she loves her sister: "We're just very different. She's a force of nature, and I'm the clean-up crew!" Marin says that New Marin is going to let New Baby be herself. Annie says that every birthday should have a resolution. "And hats!" cheers Patrick, putting on a tiny red cowboy hat. Marin nixes hats, to which Patrick sadly agrees. Marin then tries to confirm that Liza is her last surprise: "My parents aren't going to jump out of a cake or something." "We didn't think of that!" quavers the sarcasm-impaired Annie, leaping to her feet. Marin tells them to...not, and Annie duly writes down, "No more surprises," because otherwise she would forget, I guess. Marin's on her way out when Jack comes in. Marin asks whether he's coming to the party. "What party?" says Jack, and Marin starts right in with the arm-flapping about the birthday that, a few hours ago, she wanted to keep a secret, but before she can get up a full head of steam on it, Jack interrupts to let her know he was kidding; she doesn't need to worry -- her birthday is the talk of Elmo. He adds, "I already laid out my clothes. Can't wait." I think Jack has decided that the best way to deal with Marin is to tell her whatever she wants to hear, rather than go with his usual radical honesty.
Buzz enters as Marin leaves. Celia tartly asks whether he's come to pay his parking ticket, but he's not in a bantering mood -- he has news, which affects Patrick too. Some hikers found Patrick's father's plane. Probably not on a runway, prepped for takeoff.
After the credits, Celia exposits that she's been waiting twenty-six years to hear what happened to the plane; Buzz says that they all have, reminding us that Hal was both his friend and his business partner. Annie puts comforting hands on Patrick's arm, telling him that at least he can have closure now, but he subtly shakes her off, asking how they can know for sure that it was Hal's plane: "Planes disappear all the time in Alaska!" Jack drifts back out to see what's going on as Buzz says that he flew over the wreckage himself to confirm it. "People survive...stuff," Patrick denials. Buzz blinks sadly. Patrick reluctantly asks whether there was a body. Buzz shakes his head, but Patrick seizes on it: "See?" Jack breaks in to say that's common: "I mean, sometimes animals...dispose of things." I think that actually was as tactful as Jack could have been. Annie wails and covers her mouth in horror, and Patrick stalks out, sidestepping Celia and Buzz when they try to stop him. He's twenty-six; seriously, this is the lie he's going to cling to?
Back at the Chieftain, Quarters is being played, and Liza is making friends. Watching from the bar, Sara turns to Ben and jokes, "This ought to keep you busy." "New Baby is new business," Ben agrees. As they smile happily at each other, Theresa emerges from the kitchen with a couple of baskets, glaring at them. She recovers to ask whether Sara wants anything, but she doesn't. Theresa moves on, a chilly breeze trailing her, and Sara and Ben share a look like, "She can't get any other job?"
Jack walks up to Patrick where he's standing on the pier, staring into the sky, and asks if Patrick wants company. Patrick doesn't refuse, so Jack stands to him, a respectful distance between them. After a moment, Jack gruffly says that when he lost his father, he kept hoping it was a bad dream. He woke up every morning expecting to see him at breakfast. Patrick asks how long that went on, and Jack says that it still happens sometimes. Patrick sadly says that he never even met his father. Jack says that Alaska's a tough place: "It takes a lot of lives too early." Patrick swallows stiffly. Jack concludes, "If your dad were here, I bet he'd be proud of you." But Patrick isn't ready to get that closure, and excitedly suggests that his father could have amnesia. Jack squints, reluctant to say he doesn't think that's very likely. "That's what I think," Patrick concludes lamely. I don't think that actually is what he thinks, but okay.
Night in the Presidential Suite. We can hear loud though muffled music playing nearby, with enough bass that the Lincoln portrait is rattling a little on the wall. Below, Marin lies in bed, wide awake, her hands pressed to her ears. She tries folding the pillow around her head, but eventually just stomps into Liza's room, where a well-attended party is taking place; even Theresa is there. Seeing Marin, the dudes seem pleased that the number of ladies on-site has increased 50%; one guy tries to get her to dance and, when she refuses, utters the episode's worst indictment: "You're no fun." Liza screams when she sees Marin, getting the whole crowd to join in, but Marin squints that she's been trying to sleep, and pulls Liza into the hall to talk. Okay, Jerome? You are old. Go home.
In the hall, Liza announces, "I. Love. This town!" Marin agrees that it's great, but goes on to say that while she doesn't want to be the woman in the bathrobe telling people to keep it down, Patrick wouldn't allow this sort of thing at the Inn. Not that I'm not completely on your side in this one, Marin -- because I so am -- but if Patrick's not there, I don't know how much enforcement power he has. What are you, the assistant manager? Liza also seizes on the loophole of Patrick's absence, and Marin tries to guilt Liza into silence by telling her that Patrick isn't there because he's with his mother, dealing with a family crisis. Liza sighs, irritated, and Marin adds that this is exactly what would happen whenever their parents went out of town: "You would throw this big, fun, crazy bash, and I would have to be the anti-fun! Which I don't want to be anymore!" Liza tells her not to be, then: "Grab a beer and join the party!" Marin, trying not to lose it, says that she did join the party, for the first three hours, but now it's 2 AM: time for the party to be over. Liza leans forward belligerently, but then decides not to fight, laughing instead. Honey, pick a guy and move the party to his place! Then everyone wins -- especially him.
On a bench outside Celia's, Patrick snuggles with Annie, testily asking what's wrong with hope. She asks what he means. He says he feels like everyone just wants him to accept his father's death, but that until a body is recovered, he wants to believe Hal could be alive. Annie gazes up at him, telling him of course he can believe, and that his optimism is one of the things she loves most about him. Patrick hesitantly asks whether she thinks he's crazy, and she sits up seriously to ask, "What's crazy about wanting to have a dad?" Patrick asks whether she believes Hal could be alive, and Annie very kindly says that if Patrick believes, she does too. Patrick says that, right now, the reason he most wants his father to be alive is so that he can introduce him to Annie. Okay: aw. Annie smiles, dimpling, and just as they're starting to kiss, Celia throws the front door open and brusquely sends Annie home. As she returns inside, Annie tells Patrick, "When I meet your dad, I hope he likes me more than your mom does." I might have said something more like, "If your dad has been alive, I can understand why he wouldn't be in a rush to shack up with her again."
Sometime later, Liza's changed into her pyjamas, but she's still wired, apparently and opens Marin's door, asking if she's awake. Marin, sitting in bed with a magazine, bitterly says that she is. Liza tiptoes in and plops on the end of the bed. Marin makes a dumb joke about the music, and Liza apologizes that things got out of hand. Marin says it's okay, saying she just hopes everyone can recover in time for Marin's own party on Saturday. "Our birthday party is going to kick butt!" gasps Liza. Marin, knowing that she's going to sound kind of petty but saying it anyway, haltingly informs Liza that Saturday's party was supposed to be for her, not them: "Saturday's the big night, and I'm a big deal here -- this was all before you were coming." Liza, not getting it at all, enthusiastically says, "So now it can be for both of us -- just like always, except we're in frigging Alaska! How fun is that?" She grins so huge it actually looks painful. Marin tries to press her point -- that she doesn't want Liza box-blocking her at her own birthday party -- but before she can get into it, she starts sniffing the air with alarm. "Is it...man scent?" asks Liza dorkily. "SMOKE," says Marin, asking whether Liza left candles burning. They burst into Liza's room to see her curtains consumed in flame, and scream. Good thing Theresa's a night owl.
After the commercials, it's morning, and a bunch of firefighters are finishing up dealing with the blaze/flirting with Liza. Marin and Theresa come out on the porch in their pyjamas and coats; Theresa comments that it looks Liza's going to get a date out of the fire, and Marin snarks that Liza could get a date out of a wrong number. She judgmentally adds that Liza's still married, and Theresa wryly reminds her, "So am I -- what's your point?" "Nothing," Marin wearily replies, adding a general bitch about Liza flitting from setting her room on fire to jumping into a burly stranger's arms. "Aw, you're no fun," smirks Theresa, turning her face to the sun. "Did she teach you that?" whines Marin. "Yeah," Theresa cheerfully replies, and Marin complains, "Oh, great, quote the new girl. You know, I was the new girl in town before Liza arrived." Yeah, we're aware of your feelings on the theft of your thunder, Me-rin. "I was the new girl before you arrived," Theresa informs her. "Prepare to pass the torch." "Yeah, that's what she needs -- a torch," laughs Marin.
Patrick rolls up, in full firefighter regalia and with a huge grin: "That was cool!" Patrick is apparently more psyched to be involved with his first blaze as a volunteer firefighter than he is dismayed that he fought it on his own property. Theresa tells him she's sorry about his father, but Patrick doesn't need condolences: "Sorry? We got the first clue we had in years! Finally found the plane -- now we've just got to find him!" Theresa and Marin share a look over Patrick's steadfast denial of the facts, but then he offers coffee, and Marin is too excited to get in on that to probe Patrick's issues any more deeply for now.
As Patrick heads for the kitchen, Liza flits over to announce that she's in love: "This could be the real thing -- the guy saved me from a burning building!" Marin reminds Liza that it was she who set it on fire, and then looks down at her feet: "Why are you wearing heels with your pyjamas?" Those are heels? They're covered in short, furry shag; I thought they were slutty slippers from Frederick's Of Hollywood or something. Liza defends that she saved them from the fire. Theresa dubiously asks how Liza can walk on those, and Liza turns on her in shock: "You don't wear heels?" Theresa says she's more of a "boot girl," so Liza immediately pulls off her Christian Louboutins and makes Theresa try them on over her socks. As she takes a few tentative steps, Sara appears, and Liza excitedly asks her if Theresa doesn't look sexy in Liza's shoes. Sara and Theresa awkward for a moment, and then Theresa shyly says, "Dress-up time is over." Liza won't hear it, and orders Theresa to keep the shoes: "You have to have at least one pair of heels. It's your duty as a woman." Sara changes the subject by saying she heard there was a fire, and then Patrick comes out with a tray of coffee, which Sarah says she'll take to go. There's some more awkward when Sara has to ask Theresa for the cream, which she hands over without a word or even eye contact. Liza notes the vibe and mutters, "What happened between you two -- someone steal someone's boyfriend?" "Husband," Theresa misrepresents. "But it wasn't stealing," Sara adds. Theresa makes a sour face that only Marin sees. This is totally something my sister would do -- I still love hearing her tell the story of a conversation she had with a woman she didn't know well; the woman said that she was having problems with her boyfriend, who didn't trust her. "What, did you cheat on him?" cracked my sister, and the woman was like, "Well, yes." Awkward. Yet kind of awesome. Awksome. Patrick changes the subject again by announcing that, because of the damage to her room, Liza will have to bunk in with Marin. He asks if that's okay, and as Marin's face falls, Liza enthuses that it's fine: "We're sisters!" Marin smiles fakely.
Sheriff's/Jack's. Annie is sketching a portrait of Patrick's father, because I guess they didn't have any photos of him from when he was alive that they could try to have updated with photo-aging software. Patrick delightedly asks a passing Celia about the likeness, and she noncommittally says that it looks about right. "I've never aged anyone before," burbles Annie. "You're aging me," deadpans Celia. Hee. "Be nice," warns Patrick, and hands Celia the sketch, asking if she'll put it on the wire, which she promises to do. "Fingers crossed!" breathes Patrick, and leaves. Once he's gone, Celia looks down at the portrait in dismay, and Annie confides, "I want to be a totally supportive girlfriend, but I'm a little worried about him." Instead of trying to bridge the gap between them by sharing Annie's concerns, Celia bitchily replies that Annie shouldn't worry about Patrick: "I'll do the worrying. I'm his mother! I know what he needs!" Annie stiffly withdraws, like, "That was a nice moment we had for twelve seconds."
Marin walks down a street, looking both ways before crossing, when Celia rolls around the corner with her bullhorn, yelling at Marin for jaywalking: "You have to cross at the light!" Marin reminds her that there's only one light in town. Of course, it's all a ruse, as Celia tells Marin to get into the car, whereupon she locks the door and blurts, "I have no idea what my son needs!" Marin, kind but exasperated, tells Celia that she doesn't need to arrest Marin to have a conversation. Celia crabs that Marin's the relationship coach, but Marin tries to weasel out of whatever's coming by qualifying, "Not for families." Celia asks why Patrick can't just accept Hal's death. Marin says she's sure that he will, eventually. Celia complains that he's had twenty-six years to get used to the idea, and that the recovery of the plane has brought the opposite of closure. Marin then makes the mistake of saying that she's also worried about Patrick, leading Celia to sputter territorially that no one else should be concerned about Patrick's mental health except Celia herself: "I'm his mother! And I've...never been honest with him." Marin's like, "About...?" "None of your business!" snaps Celia. Marin patiently says that it's hard to be honest with family: "I have trouble myself. That's why I'm sharing another birthday with my sister." "I didn't pull you over to talk about you," says Celia, which, okay, she's cracked, but more people need to tell Marin shit like that. Celia gets serious to tell Marin, "I have information that might make Patrick feel better. But it also might make him feel worse." "What information?" Marin squints. "None of your business!" Celia squeals again. Marin, holding onto her composure with both hands and white knuckles, says she thinks that people are supposed to be honest if they want to break with the past: "That's my birthday resolution." "Again with you," murmurs Celia irritably. Marin doesn't bother pointing out that Celia is not doing a great job of making Marin want to help her, and then Celia stares into space again and asks, "What if I lose him? Forever?" "You won't," says Marin gently. Celia looks like she really wants to believe this, but Marin (as usual) can't just leave well enough alone, adding, "You can't break up with family. Believe me, I've tried. You're stuck with them for life." Celia smiles with relief. Marin asks to be released, and Celia unlocks the doors, but sits pensively a few moments longer.
Marin is sleeping in the Presidential Suite when Liza comes back, a gentleman caller in tow. As she opens the door, there's all the giggling and shushing that usually accompany a hookup in the campus pub, which is kind of unseemly from a woman in her thirties. Liza drunkenly orders her paramour, "Don't wake my sister," but from the bed, Marin crabbily brays, "Too late!" Liza breathlessly apologizes, promising that they're just saying goodnight, and kisses the dude smackily, adding that she'll see him "ma-NAN-ya." Yeah, she put the tilde on the wrong "N," if that was supposed to be "mañana," but I'll chalk that up to her being drunk rather than stupid. Liza simpers into the room, gushing about her newest friend, asking if Marin doesn't think he's "dreamy." Marin bitches, "Dreaming would be dreamy," saying that she's barely slept since Liza came to town. Nap during the day when she's out playing Quarters! I'm just saying, plan ahead. Liza says that she's barely slept herself: "This town is crazy!" Marin goes on to educate Liza about which door is appropriate for a goodnight -- the front door at the Inn, in case you were wondering, not the door to the room. Snuggling up to Marin in bed, Liza says, "I said I was sorry" -- and she did, but it was "sorry sorry sorry!" which is...you know, not so apologetic or sincere. Marin announces that they can't share a room, and Liza incredulously asks, with a laugh, where she's supposed to go. Marin says she doesn't know, but that she'll figure something out. Why can't Liza figure something out herself? She's certainly making lots of man-friends; none of them has a couch?
Well, apparently Marin's decided that she's the one who needs to do the mooching: she shows up at Jack's front door in the middle of the night, pillow in her arms, and says, by way of explanation, "This wasn't my first choice. But there is literally no room at the Inn, and Patrick is with Annie, and I can't let Liza be Liza anymore, and I am desperate." "'Desperate'?" asks Jack, with what may be a hopeful leer. "Desperate for sleep," Marin clarifies. Jack, amused, says that his guest room is where he keeps all his traps: "But since you brought your own pillow..." Marin hurries in, beaming. Okay, here are my other suggestions that don't involve inconveniencing a booty call: sleeping in Sara's room, since we know she doesn't live at the Inn. Sleeping in Patrick's room, if Marin knows he's at Annie's. Sleeping on the couch that's probably in the lobby of the Inn. Sleeping at Ben's, since he has eight million rooms. I'm just saying.
The morning, Marin smugly sips coffee on Jack's porch, pyjamaed and Ugged and with her hair in a towel turban. Jack comes out and sarcastically thanks her for using all the hot water with her twenty-three-minute shower. Damn, did she have to shave her legs and her back? Marin is totally unapologetic -- because her girly inconsideration is sassy and adorable, I guess, unlike her sister's -- and goes on to complain about his lack of shampoo and bathmat, and for leaving the toilet seat up. "It's my toilet," Jack obviouses, and Marin tells him that it will stay his toilet until he girls up the house some. Why she thinks this is something Jack would be concerned about now when they've already established that neither of them is ready for a relationship at the moment, I am sure I do not know. Anyway, Jack is unaffected by Marin's advice, and cheerfully says that he might just hold out for a woman polite enough to wait for an invitation. Marin kids him about being a morning person, and Jack grins, heading off for work, wishing her a great day, "Coach." "You too, honey," says Marin, trying it out. Jack gazes at her for a moment, and then lets it pass without comment. Oh, I have one: shut up, Marin.
Marin's radio show. We start with a rare female caller, who babbles that she hit it off with a guy but now thinks it isn't going to work out. Marin freezes in horror, because the caller is, of fucking course, her sister. "Liza?" says Marin, trying not to lose it. "Isn't this supposed to be anonymous?" gasps Liza. As Patrick makes a face at Liza's crackpottedness, Marin tells her that it's supposed to be strangers calling in for help. Liza protests that she does need help (that's an understatement), and that she thought what she had with this dude was going to be "it." "This is it," says Marin. "For you." She says she'll meet Liza at the Chieftain in an hour and ends the call. Closing her eyes and praying for strength, Marin invites a call from any listener not related to her. Patrick throws to "Joe from Homer," who wants to know, "What time does New Baby's party start?" Marin shakes her head. I'm starting not to blame her. Liza is ridiculous.
Chieftain. We join the Fristers as Liza is winding up her tale of woe by saying that it turns out the new love of her life has a kid: "Ew!" Marin saves me the trouble by saying it's shocking that this revelation could take so long to come to light when she's known the guy a whole day. Liza testily asks if Marin can't even try to make her feel better, and Marin quietly says that she has been trying (eh, not really -- not that I blame her): "But this is what you do. You think you're in love, you fall hard and fast, you get hurt, you cry on my shoulder, and two days later you think you're in love again." "Wow," huffs Liza. Marin says she's sorry, but that it's the truth. Sure, but it goes down easier with a sugary coating. Like Advil! Liza, without malice, counters that the truth is that Marin's made a career out of rooting for love for everyone on earth apart from her own sister; Marin waits for Liza to screw up so that Marin can lord it over her: "Lucky for you, I screw up a lot." Marin doesn't dispute this, but suggests a compromise: "The time you fall in love, I promise I will be completely supportive." Liza is mollified, and squeaks, "Thank you." So now that Marin's made this ill-advised, unqualified pledge, in walks Jack. He greets Marin, who -- somehow not foreseeing trouble here at all -- casually introduces Liza, who's already preening and presenting at the sight of Jack. Not seeming interested, he says it's nice to meet her, and as he orders a beer, Liza devours him with her eyes and then turns to Marin: "Okay, I'm in love." Stupid Marin and her shortsighted oral contracts! She's like, "Jigga-what?" Liza can't believe Marin's not right there with her, and says that Jack is not just gorgeous but her "husband." "He's okay," Marin lies, and tries to come up with something to warn her off, but has to say no each time as Liza guesses that he's "married?...seeing someone?...gay?" Hence, Liza sees no impediment to her pursuit of Jack, and calls out to him shrilly as Marin squirms: "Any chance you'd take a New York City girl out on the town while she's in Elmo?" "Uh...which New York City girl?" mumbles Jack. "Me!" squeals Liza, like she can't even conceive of any other possibility. Jack looks petrified as Liza jitters annoyingly, and then finally shrugs, "...Okay," like he's been offered opera tickets or something. Marin gives him a look like, "Oh dude, you don't know what you just agreed to," but I doubt Jack can even register it when, to her, Liza is having an overjoyed conniption. Please, let him have a plan to throw her at one of his traps.
Inn of Awkward: Sara's coming up the stairs as Theresa's coming down; it's a narrow passage, and there's a mini-showdown. Once Sara has gone up out of sight, Theresa trips on her new heels and falls a few steps, coming to a stop and wincing, "Ow." Hearing this, Sara is first on the scene, and Theresa reluctantly admits that she may have twisted her ankle. Sara checks it, noting that it's already swelling, and goes to get some ice, telling Theresa to elevate it. Theresa sarcastically asks if she's "a doctor on the side," and Sara replies that she's the mother of a boy, so she's well acquainted with injuries of this sort. She returns with a bag of frozen peas, which she gently places on Theresa's ankle, removing the shoe with an appreciative eyebrow-raise and handing it to her. Theresa, sounding like it's taking all her reserves of strength to say it, mutters that it's a good thing Sara was there. She adds that she knows she needs to get her own place, but that she can't imagine living somewhere without anyone around. Sara says that she can't imagine having someone around. "You get used to it," says Theresa sadly. Seems like the perfect solution would be for these two crazy single gals to get a place together! Right?
At his house, Jack gets ready for his big date with Liza as Marin lies on the couch with a magazine, acting like she owns the place, crabbily asking whether Jack's trying to get back at her for Ian. Jack, seeming distracted, says that the date has nothing to do with him. Marin, trying to sound unconcerned, asks what he's doing, then, and Jack humbly says that he's "trying to be a good guy," and that Liza's hard to say no to. Marin bitterly says that's been established. Jollying her along, Jack sing-songily asks whether she wants to come, and Marin lies that she's "perfectly fine staying home." "In my home," Jack reminds her. "Unless you're planning on having an overnight guest and you want me out?" Marin fishes. Jack smirks that he doesn't know how he ended up with the one he's already got, at which Marin blinks, but doesn't offer to get out of his hair, either. Jack lumbers off, and Marin covers her face in shame, as she should.
At Celia's, the table is loaded with food, which Patrick notes constitutes all his favourite dishes. Celia nervously says that she loves Patrick, and would "do or cook anything" for him. Patrick doesn't see where this is going as Celia tearily hugs him, her "only son." Finally, she sits, and says she needs to talk to him about his dad. Patrick excitedly asks whether someone called, and Celia sadly says no. Patrick sighs that he knows what she's going to say. "I don't think you do," says Celia. Patrick: "Yeah, you want me to admit that he's dead. Okay. He's dead. My dad's dead! Can we eat now?" "Your dad is not dead, okay?" blurts Celia, and then freezes as she realizes what she's just done. Patrick looks at her, patiently waiting for whatever's coming . She tries to backpedal with an offer of biscuits (dude, right here), but Patrick asks what she's saying. Celia haltingly says that her marriage to Hal wasn't perfect, and that she had "an indiscretion -- a one-night thing." Celia immediately regretted it. When Hal found out, he took off in the plane (...literally, heh), and no one saw him again. She tries to smile. Patrick hasn't quite followed her: "But he's not dead." Celia offhandedly says she's pretty sure Hal is dead, seriously adding that what she wants him to know is that Hal isn't Patrick's father. She smiles wanly again, and Patrick swallows hard before asking who his dad is. Celia tries to put him off, saying that she can't tell him because it's complicated, but Patrick heatedly insists that he needs to know. "We have each other!" says Celia, incredulous at his reaction, but Patrick grows tired of her evasions and stomps out. I don't get why she'd bother to tell him Hal isn't Patrick's father if she wasn't going to spill the whole story, but then again, she is weird.
After the commercials, Patrick is stomping down the road when Celia pulls up behind him in her cop car, begging him through the bullhorn to let them talk about it. Patrick ignores her, even when she accuses him of breaking up the family. Not sure you really have the moral upper hand here, girlfriend.
At Jack's, Marin paces, wrapped in a plaid throw, checking a clock and expositing that it's midnight. Presently, the door opens, and she panics, dropping to the ground in the hopes of not being seen. Jack enters and busts her: "Sleeping on the floor, Coach?" Marin acts (badly) like his arrival has woken her up, and asks if he had fun. Grinning, Jack replies, "Your sister is something else." Jack heads for bed as Marin looks like he just kicked her in the crotch.
Chieftain. Marin enters, all dolled up in a very pretty '40s-looking polka-dot dress, and a cheer goes up from the crowd. She smiles...for a second, until she gets a look at the banner, which reads, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIN and Liza." Hee. Theresa emerges from the crowd, on crutches, to explain that she and Annie were working on the banner at the Inn, so when Liza saw it, they had to add her name. There's also a mid-explanation inquiry about the crutches, to which Theresa attributes, with an eye-roll, "Your sister's shoes." Anyway, Theresa reminds Marin that the party is hers, and that she's the one everyone's there to see. Marin preens for a second, until some dudes enter, yelling, "New Baby here yet?" Marin frowns. "Almost everybody," Theresa amends. In comes Celia, arms folded, to tear a strip off Marin for causing the loss of Celia's son: "Happy birthday, you fraud!" Marin asks what happened, and Celia's abridged version is "I was honest. And now Patrick hates me." Half-honest is still a kind of "honest," I guess. Celia huffs that Patrick's never going to speak to her again, and as Marin's saying she's sure it's not that bad, Annie comes up with a clipboard, Patrick right behind her, and quavers that Celia's not on the guest list. Ooh, bitchily played, Bachelor. Marin tries to intercede on Celia's behalf, asking what's going on, but Patrick says he'll tell her later: "I don't want to ruin your birthday party by talking about my mom, the lying hussy." Celia gasps and scurries off. Marin deadpans that so far they're doing a great job of not ruining her party. Speaking of which: enter Liza. There's another cheer, which Liza eagerly encourages, and then a chant: "New Baby! New Baby!" Marin turns in horror. Usurper!
Later, Marin's shooting pool with Theresa when Liza flounces over, enthusing, "This is our most adorable birthday party ever." Marin tightly agrees, and then "casually" asks what happened on Liza's date with Jack the night. "You've asked me that four times already," says Liza, and Marin shrugs that she wants to know some details, snotting, "Come on, I'm being supportive." Liza evasively says that it was fine, and changes the subject by saying that the party would be improved with a game of Seven Minutes In Heaven. Marin's like, "Yeah, we're grownups, Creepy," but the dudes standing around find the notion appealing, and if you couldn't tell from this point that Marin and Jack were going to end up In Heaven together, talking about Liza, I just don't know how to help you. Anyway, Liza claps, squealing that it'll be fun, and Marin grits that she doesn't want to be the anti-fun at her own birthday party, so Liza asks for takers. Marin turns just in time to see Jack enter, and he says he thinks he'll pass on the kissing game. "Now you're the anti-fun," Marin tells him tartly, and he smiles that he's okay with that.
Later, a bottle is spinning. It points to Jerome, and Marin exposits that this is his last do-over, and tries to wind up the game. Liza protests that Marin hasn't been in the closet yet. "But you have!" Marin tells her. "Twice!" They bicker, and then Ben takes a spin. Of course, it lands on Sara, and of course, Theresa reacts like she just took a shot of cod liver oil. As Ben and Sara head for the closet, Theresa murmurs to Marin that she's leaving. Marin tells her she'll miss the cake, but even the prospect of delicious dessert can't keep her.
Elsewhere, Celia watches Patrick, sitting despondently at the bar. She breathlessly asks Buzz to do her a favour, but he curtly informs her that he won't be spending any time in Heaven with her. She wants him to keep Patrick company, be nice to him: "He needs someone right now, and it's not me." I guess that's the lesson Celia's learned in this episode.
At the bar, Buzz opens by saying that he'd buy Patrick a beer, but the bartender's in the closet. Patrick manages one dry chuckle. Buzz asks how he's doing, and Patrick recaps, "I never knew my father, and I don't want to have anything to do with my mother. Doing super." Well, that is where a lot of people eventually end up as adults, Apron Strings, so don't think it makes you special. Buzz offers to fly Patrick over the crash site, if that wouldn't make him feel even worse. "Do you think things could get any harder?" mumbles Patrick. Buzz says he'll pick Patrick up at noon, and gives him a paternal shoulder-bump to seal it. Ben and Sara emerge from the closet, to cheers, and then it's Marin's turn to spin, and of course it lands on Jack, who's like six feet away from the table, not even playing. Jack tries to beg off, but Marin makes a big show of beckoning him flirtatiously, and he relents. As we all knew he would, because we've seen TV before.
After the commercials, Jack and Marin are in the closet. Either James Tupper is really short, or Anne Heche is standing on a box, because she's wee, and they're practically eye to eye. Anyway, Jack's like, "Are we supposed to kiss?" Marin hisses that she doesn't want to kiss him -- she "just needed to talk to someone." Jack shrugs that it's her party, and she can talk to whomever she wants, but she snaps (all together now!), "No, it's not my party! I wouldn't be playing a kissing game at my party! And I've become this person that I always become around my sister -- this person I don't even like! And I made a resolution!" And then we see that, of course, she didn't just want to talk to "someone," as she grabs Jack by the shoulders and demands to know "what the hell happened last night." Jack, amused, says that nothing happened: "We went to dinner; she met some other guy." And then Jack went home, and we know what happened then. He adds, "Listen, no offense, but Liza -- she isn't really my type." Aw, it's so cute he thinks she'd take offense to that, which is pretty much what Marin says when she laughs a little in relief and tells him, "Thank you for saying that!" She complains that everyone always thinks Liza's more fun than Marin. As soon as she's uttered the words, she drops her head, saying she knows she sounds like a baby. "Old Baby," snickers Jack. Marin gives him that one, but whines that she thought, in Elmo, people would come to her party to see her. The party she didn't want to have, mind you. Jack says that Liza came to see Marin, and spent most of their dinner together saying how much she missed having Marin in New York. Marin is shocked to hear this, and rhetorically asks why family is so complicated. Jack's like, "Um, I think my family story trumps any you might have up your sleeve." They can hear a "Marin! Marin!" chant through the door, which Marin says is her "chocolate chocolate cake." She musses her hair, saying that they should make it look like they made out, and it turns out Jack's down with that plan, as he leans in and kisses her softly. They come apart, and Jack grins that he just wanted it to look convincing. She cracks that he could mess her hair up a little, and he responds by unmoussing his own into a hilarious half-Krusty. Before she can open the door, Jack whispers, "Happy birthday, Coach." Marin blinks, and then they come out...
...to see Ben holding the cake, surrounded by guests. Annie is at his elbow, obviously worried that he's going to drop it, and Liza's beside her, cheerily singing "Happy Birthday" with everyone else. When they get to "Happy birthday, dear Marin," there are scattered "and Liza"s, which she kind of shrugs off, and then the song is over. Marin takes a step to blow out her candles, but of course, Liza's right there, and lustily beats her to it. Ben and Annie kind of start, and Liza disingenuously asks, "Oh no, did you want to do it?" Marin pinchily shakes her head, and as Annie tries to light the candles again, Marin waves her off, saying it's okay.
Even later, the cake's been demolished, the bar's nearly empty, and the Fristers are left alone. Marin brings them each a bottle of beer and asks why Liza didn't want to tell her about her date with Jack. Liza: "Because you would have judged me for meeting some guy by the jukebox, because that's what I do -- I meet guys, and I spent time with them, and you would've judged me." There's no resentment in this speech -- or very little, at least. Marin says, "I don't judge you." "You judge me," says Liza, squinting. Marin admits that she does, a little. Liza adds that she didn't sleep with Jukebox Guy, and Marin doesn't really care, but asks if he even has a name. Liza spreads her hands, like, "Could you just not?" Marin realizes that this is her judging, too, and drops it. Liza asks why Marin didn't say that she was interested in Jack, and Marin lies that she isn't: "We're friends." Liza nods, accepting this. "But he did kiss me in the closet," Marin adds, with some relish. "YAY!" says Liza, practically unhinging her jaw with glee. Marin says she doesn't know if it's "yay"; she doesn't know what she feels about Jack -- or about anyone, since Graham cheated on her. Liza frowns. Marin says that she's the older sister who's supposed to have it all together. Liza: "What am I, the mess who falls in love every twenty minutes?" Instead of being like, "You said it, I didn't," Marin says that she admires that in Liza: "Your belief in love." "You don't believe in love?" bleats Liza. "You write all about it!" "I know, but it scares me," murmurs Marin. She says that there are only two ways love can go, and that one is really painful. Liza confidently says that you can't think about that. Marin chuckles that she can, "all the time." She adds that she was jealous of Liza: "People really like you. You're fun." Liza smiles, flustered, and Marin adds that sharing a party with her always made Marin feel upstaged. "'Upstaged'?" laughs Liza. "Please! You're the successful one, with your books, and your lectures, and I'm the one with two divorces and a pony." Hell, a pony kicks a lecture career in the ASS! If she got a pony, Liza's obviously doing something right. Fellatio, probably. The pony is news to Marin too, but Liza says "Some guy gave it to me," in a tone that suggests that there's a long story associated with it that she doesn't want to tell. Liza concludes, "Birthdays and weddings are pretty much all I have. The rest of the days, you upstage me." Marin says she's glad Liza came to town. Liza says that she is too, adding that when she gets back to New York, she's going to live on her own: "No guys, no help from anyone." Beat. Marin: "You need to stay in my apartment?" Liza smiles sheepishly. I swear, I thought she was about to say she had been for the past month.
Marin's voice-over at the radio station means we're almost out. She starts by saying that it's easier sometimes to take care of strangers than it is the people we love. Buzz's plane is in the air as Marin adds that sometimes the people we love are strangers. In the cockpit, Patrick points and looks to Buzz for confirmation; Buzz nods. As Celia studies a photo of herself with Patrick, Marin says that even though it's hard sometimes, you have to be honest. Marin and Liza have a happy walk on the pier as Radio Marin says that you have to believe not just in love, but in the people you love. On the ground, Patrick and Buzz trudge through the spectacular wreckage of Hal's plane as Marin says that you have to say the things you want to say before the chance disappears forever. As if he'd heard her, Patrick picks a spot in the debris, and as Buzz respectfully looks away, Patrick loudly says, "Hi, Hal. I'm sorry that I never got to know you. There's things that I wanted to tell you. Learn from you. I bet you would've been a great dad -- even though you're not my dad, apparently." At this, Buzz looks up: "He's not?" Patrick starts to say that it's a long story, but can't get it out before he sneezes, three times in quick succession. Buzz says, "Bless you," and comments that he always sneezes in sevens: "Same with my father. And same with my grandfather. It's the weirdest thing." You guys saw where this was going too, right? Yep, Patrick sneezes four more times, and says that he's always sneezed in sevens, too. Buzz frowns. Patrick takes a few more seconds to twig, but before we can see whether he actually figured out that there's more than coincidence at work...blackout. Finally, a meaty storyline for someone other than Marin. Bring it!