Previously on Now That You're Gone, All That's Left Is A Land of Mold: It was time to get your wedding-bound booty out of the Huggy-Boo manor house and into your very own place, meaning that at least the evil got to spread out a little and stretch its legs. Evil needs air, too, y'all. Kevin's friends Eddie and Boner, Billie Jeanne's friends Paige and Crying Duane, Denise's sister Nosy Parker, and Xavier's sister Croissant and friend Farmer Ted all visited. Most sensed disaster. All were ignored. The world continued to spin. Billie Jeanne dressed up like a French maid and Denise dressed up like a schoolgirl, and Tony and Stephen responded appropriately. Or, you know, inappropriately, which was appropriate. Jill and Kevin went at it Waterworld-style, and their sex life was a much bigger success than Kevin Costner, and a lot less expensive. The reviews, alas, were mixed. The panel hated Jennifer, and told her so, and she took it sort of hard for someone so cold and unfeeling. But they didn't care, because they were booting her ass anyway. On this show, you make out, or you get your ass out. What show do you think this is, Press Your Luck? Au revoir, Jenn-ee-fer and Freedomy! Don't let the door hit you on your way back to sanity!
On Day 8, one hour after the big boot of Miss P. and company was applied, Jill interviews that no one was surprised at the panel's decision about Jennifer and Xavier, but now she feels all insecure again because there are more eliminations to come. She takes us through the complexities of how now there are three couples, so when one more is taken away, there will only be two. Way to subtract, there, genius. Who says that girls who pose naked can't do math? "Anything can happen in a week," she laments. The Book of Genesis is like, "Word." When they return to their room, she and Kevin find an invitation waiting for them. She gets all yippy-excited when the invitation tells them they're going to Long Island to hang out with Jill's family. Jill claps her hands in excitement -- wheeeee! "Won't that be fun?" she asks eagerly. "Anything with you," he says gamely, trying not to answer as he envisions Scary Anthony chasing him around the house with a meat cleaver while Dean Martin plays on the stereo. Jill notes that Kevin seems slightly apprehensive about the family visit. In an interview, Kevin waves broadly at the camera and smiles. "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Nicolini," he Eddie-Haskells, "looking forward to seeing you." Okay, that was slightly funny.
Over at Tony and BJ's, she reads the invitation and tells him with great flourish that they're going to Los Angeles to hang out with his family. He doesn't look especially happy or thrilled, but she yanks him into such an energetic smooch that she doesn't notice. We see her kicking her feet on the bed in a quick pan away from her waist, where her skirt appears to have bunched up in excitement. Or possibly fear. She giddily tells us in an interview that she was all wound up, and spent the evening tossing and turning. "I just really hope that they like me," she says.
Stephen and Denise open their envelope. It turns out they're going to Kingston, New York to be with Stephen's family. He chuckles ruefully. "Poor thing, you," he says, putting an arm around her. "I'm sorry, baby, I'm just going to apologize for the whole crew right now." Heh. That was by far their most couple-ish moment ever, I'd say. Nothing brings people together like dreading their weird-ass families. He interviews that he thinks it's going to be "really bizarre" to take Denise home and introduce her as his fiancée. Translation: "Given that I would rather be skinned alive than marry this extremely needy girl, it's going to feel even more fraudulent to say 'fiancée' once I'm around my mom." This certainly is shaping up to be a three-ring circus of wacky.
Random traveling footage follows, and then we're at Tony's L.A. apartment, where Tony and BJ are arriving. He shows her inside, and she voices over that she thinks the things he doesn't have are things she does have (for instance, an interest in getting married), so they could have a great apartment together. He, on the other hand, interviews that she expressed an interest in redecorating the apartment, but "me and the boys kind of like it the way it is." I am so torn over whether to hate the people who are making an effort on this assy show and buying into the marriage concept, or the people who obviously never were. I mean, if you're found at a Celine Dion concert, is it less humiliating to be truly swept away by emotion, or to be there because someone gave you the tickets as a joke?
Stephen explains that after they got to the airport, he and Denise had about a forty-five-minute drive to his sister's house. Boy, I'll bet that was a good time. She probably tried to make out with him while he was driving. Maybe she wore a meter maid uniform to get him in the mood. He says he was nervous about the prospect of his sister and brother-in-law meeting Denise. When they arrive, Denise is warmly welcomed by both the sister and the BIL, and Denise interviews that Paula (the sister) was very warm and nice to her. "Here's to...you guys and your future," Paula says when it's time to toast. Not very imaginative, but it beats what she was probably really thinking, like, "Here's to your pretend engagement." I might be wrong, though, because she voices over that Denise was her first choice for Stephen, so she's interested to see if they're compatible. I don't know...maybe she really hopes this will work out. I think Paula needs to prepare herself for disappointment. Stephen goes on to explain that this was the first time he and Denise had a chance to just really relax together away from the Huggy-Boo. I bet the Huggy-Boo is crazy, with Egghead popping his head in the door when you're making out so that he can remind you that the sex you're having today will affect your lives for many years in the future. At least I'm thinking that's what he does. Maybe he brings in Non-Doctor Don to observe your technique. Eeeeew.
The captioners get a point over the ones on Bachelorettes in Alaska -- and on not a few newspaper headline writers -- by correctly punctuating the words informing us that we have arrived at "Jill's Parents' House." Jill and Kevin arrive at Casa Nicolini, and are greeted by Scary Anthony and Jill's mom. "This is my fiancé, Kevin," Jill says happily. Jill interviews, basically, that her family is really weird, so Kevin probably hasn't experienced a family quite like them. All this, and Scary Anthony doesn't even have his shirt off yet. Sitting around the kitchen table, Jill's mom admires her ring. Asked for his thoughts, Scary Anthony -- who did after all participate in the pageant portion of this event -- says that he finds the ring "a little premature." Yeah, I usually find that it takes me three weeks or so to feel like I want to marry someone. Sometimes longer, if we aren't able to agree early about baseball. "Ten days is not enough," he clarifies. "To him," Jill interviews, "I'm his baby. I'm his little Jill Marie." What I don't get about this is why Jill puts up with it. She's entirely too old for her father to be using this routine on her, and if she wants out from under it, she's going to have to tell him to knock it the hell off. I get the feeling that she kind of gets a charge out of the way he manhandles her boyfriends, and that is not promising. Jill starts to offer Kevin a tour of the house, but then remarks that Scary Anthony should give the tour. Scary Anthony could not look less thrilled if he had just been offered a root canal without anesthesia. Administered by...well, himself.
As Kevin and Scary Anthony exit out the back of the house, Godfather-esque music accompanies them. Heh. A nice, if rather obvious, touch from the music guys. Kevin compliments Scary Anthony on the rather barren yard, but Scary Anthony points out that although it looks nice in the summer, right now the place is "kinda shitty-lookin'." Inside, Jill tells her mom that she can see that Scary Anthony is starting to flip out, and she hopes Kevin doesn't take it personally. Again, she doesn't seem to see that she has any role in making her fiancé comfortable around her family, which is yet another reason for her to bug me. The pen with which I write those down is just about out of ink. Kevin interviews that he didn't expect Scary Anthony to like him right away anyway, which I have to say is a pretty good thing. Back outside, Scary Anthony asks Kevin how he intends to support Jill, and I can do no better than to repeat Kevin's response just as he gives it: "Yeah, I mean, you know, I, like I was like tellin' ya, you know, marketing-wise, the company that I'm gonna be with, the ideas that I have goin', uh..." Yeah, real solid answer, there, Kevin. That's going to put the guy's mind at ease. No answer to your potential father-in-law should include the word "marketing-wise." But Kevin says it again just seconds later. "Marketing-wise, I'll probably be gettin' paid by the different companies that I'll be marketing." You know, I think I've gotten that email, too. "MARKETING-WISE, GET PAID BY THE DIFFERENT COMPANIES THAT YOU'LL BE MARKETING!!!!"
Inside, Mama Nic asks Scary Anthony what he thinks of Kevin. Scary Anthony says that he can't bring himself to like Kevin yet, because Kevin has only known Jill ten days. Mama Nic points out that Jill seems to like Kevin, but this doesn't make Scary Anthony feel much better. Yet again, I face the conflict of whether I like people better if they voluntarily participate in this situation and then complain about it, or if they throw themselves into it wholeheartedly. Mama Nic is taking the "shrug" approach, whereas Scary Anthony is still fondling his feelings of horror.
Over at Paula's, Stephen and Denise are delicately asked about their sleeping arrangements, and they delicately say that they've been sleeping together for a week, so there's no need for Paula to go all It Happened One Night with the blanket hung up as a wall or anything. They don't mention the schoolgirl fantasy of last week, because that would probably put Paula's mind at ease about whether she's going to make them uncomfortable. I guess they could also just tell her that no matter how long they sleep in the same bed, nothing really exciting is likely to happen. After we watch this conversation take place, Stephen interviews precisely the information that was just conveyed to us when we actually saw it happen. I really hate that. I mean, thanks for the againterview, editors, but I do tend to pay attention. Stephen and Denise retire to their room and close the door. We are spared the inevitable moment ten minutes later when Stephen mutters, "Denise...."
At Casa Nicolini, however, it's a slightly different story. Kevin is being banished to a separate bedroom from Jill, which means that I spend the rest of this scene with a great song called "Johnny's Room" running through my head. ("I bumped my head getting into bed in Johnny's lower bunk.") (Actually, that song's greatest feature is that it starts with the immortal line, "There are two things I can't stand, and one of them is your mom.") (But anyway.) Jill is taken aback that she isn't allowed to sleep with Kevin, but Scary Anthony explains in an interview that he simply wasn't comfortable with Jill and Kevin sleeping together in his house. He was, you will recall, comfortable participating in a pageant to select a husband for her from a group of strangers, but now that he's in it, it seems to make him uncomfortable. Getting engaged without meeting is all right, but there is to be no fooling around before the TV marriage -- what kind of family do you think he's running here? When everyone says good night, Scary Anthony calls Kevin "son," which motivates Kevin to give Scary Anthony a very, very awkward hug, which motivates Scary Anthony to shoot Kevin a look like he has just been sprayed with lye. Everyone goes off to bed, and as Jill closes the door, Scary Anthony voices over that she is his "little peanut." I have to tell you, if my father ever called me his little peanut, we would both start laughing so hard that any boyfriend who might be in the house at the time would immediately leave on the theory that we were both insane. Which is sort of true.
The morning, Scary Anthony and Mama Nic continue their strange bickering dance as Jill interviews again that her family is weird. Haven't we been here before, not that long ago? Doesn't Jill have anything else to say? Kevin and Jill look on as the Anthony/Mama tension rises over the cooking of the food that is apparently on tap for the later festivities. Before you know it, there is a ding of the doorbell, and we see people labeled "Kevin's Family" outside the door. Wow, this will be crazy! Kevin's family, consisting of his mother, father, and sister, looks like they just drove in from a rather well-to-do part of Connecticut. Probably near where the family lived on Who's The Boss?. Mama Nic opens the door, and everyone greets each other happily, just as if they weren't ashamed at all. Mama Nic lets out a scream, and she and Lady Kevin hug. Kevin unconvincingly interviews that seeing his family show up at Casa Nicolini was a "great surprise." I think he was horrified, personally. This is, after all, awfully early in the relationship to introduce your moms to each other. It seems like blood could be spilled. But things look fairly good early on, as there is extreme hugging. Kevin points out that he started crying on sight of his family. Heh. Yeah, I'll bet. He's probably afraid Scary Anthony will eat them. Jill interviews that the whole thing was "kind of like George and Barbara Bush sat down and met the Sopranos." Well...yes, actually. And also, that would be funny. Barbara would smack Meadow hard, and who could be against that?
A montage of shots of Jill's enormous extended family arriving is used to demonstrate her interview point that she was happy to be able to show Kevin that she has this "great family." She deems the event "a huge, big, Italian party." As opposed, I guess, to a "huge, small, Italian party." Jill introduces Kevin to her cousin Vinny. Because she actually has one. Scary Anthony confirms in an interview that the Nics are indeed a loud family, but he thinks Kevin will fit right in. Then we see Lady Kevin introduce herself to one of Jill's relatives, and it turns out that Lady Kevin's name is "Bunky." I wonder if she, too, will lift weights and cry. When Jill's relative offers Bunky some water, Bunky calls for "something stronger." Heh. You and me both, Bunkster.
The eating of Italian food ensues. Jill's ring is displayed to her friends and/or cousins and/or peeps of some other variety, who gather around obligingly to go, "Wheeeeee!" And then...EW! Scary Anthony is walking around a kitchen full of guests with no shirt on. That is seriously gross. Body hair in the food is not acceptable, no matter how well you know everyone at the party. Mama Nic orders him to go get a shirt on, making her something of a hero in my eyes. Jill interviews that she thought Kevin's family might have been "a little overwhelmed" by the Nics, and I have to say, I've been more than a little overwhelmed by gatherings of relatives less aggressive than this, so I suspect she's right. As we see Kevin and Bunky enjoy a drink and presumably eyeball the Nics with fear and loathing, Jill voices over that Kevin warned her that his parents are very strict and religious, so she was concerned about how they might react to the fact that she once posed in Playboy (she just says "my past," but she is referring to Playboy). I'm not sure why that would be any of their damn business right at the moment, but it's not like logic is dictating very much of what goes on, so who am I to try to force it?
At Tony's apartment, things are looking even more sketchy as BJ tries to figure out what to wear to dinner with Tony's family. She claims that she wanted to be "beautiful," but she also wanted to be "conservative." So she wears a nice, conservative white sweater made of feathers or polar bear fur or something. "What if your dad hates me?" she foreshadows as she and Tony walk into the restaurant. Tony says that he was nervous to introduce BJ to the family, because he was nervous about "what she might say." BJ comments that Tony's dad looked "very conservative," but she hugged him anyway, because she's got that whole "I Gotta Be Me" thing going on, and she just had to hug him. She's gotta be her! And that means hugs! For everyone! She also comments to the gathered dinner guests that the restaurant is so warm that she feels like she's "in a safari." Eh? That was the best warm situation she could think of? She makes small talk about how Tony's dad is "handsome," just like his "handsome" son. I suppose this is as good a time as any to point out that I really don't find Tony very "handsome." His eyes are too small, and he strikes me as intensely smarmy. Yuck. Tony goes on to say that having BJ at dinner with his family was "awkward," because he doesn't usually bring girls home. I guess he just screws them and throws them out the window. At dinner, BJ tells Tony's dad that she's "easy to get along with," and that therefore they should just tell her if there's anything about her that they don't like. Ech. More with the needy.
Tony's dad attempts a pleasant toast in which he says that he hopes they will both find what they're looking for in each other. Warmth envelops the table as they hoist their wine glasses. And then Billie Jeanne adds, "Cheers to beers and queers." HA! Tony voices over that his father's toast was "heartfelt," and Billie Jeanne's comment "de-emphasized" the feelings that his dad was trying to express. Well, it's always possible that his dad was hoping that they found lots of beers and queers on their journey of love. Tony then remarks with great understatement that BJ does sometimes "push the envelope as far as behavior goes." We now see Tony and BJ hanging out in what I guess is Tony's kitchen with Tony's dad and brother, and BJ is still acting freaky. Tony's dad interviews that he isn't thrilled about "the way she talks sometimes." Of course, they show Billie Jeanne playfully to Tony, "You show me yours, and I'll show you mine," which...I mean, she certainly doesn't appear to be speaking literally, so there could be relatively innocent explanations for that remark. She then manages, however, to find occasion to say "party in my pants," and that does seem like it would "push the envelope" of what you might say in front of your future in-laws the first time you meet them. The party part is okay, and it might be okay to reference your pants, but probably not both at the same time.
Suddenly, we see the arrival of Tony's best bud. And what is best bud's name? It's "Bender." Of course it is. Tony's best bud wouldn't be named "Steve" or "Dave" or "Tom." He's named "Bender," like any good best friend in a movie about date rape. They hug in that we-are-so-het way, and then BJ throws her arms enthusiastically around Bender. thing you know, Billie Jeanne's friends Duane and Paige, who have now officially been on this show more than the host, show up. Duane is wearing his usual black do-rag. A quick montage of Billie Jeanne swearing in front of everyone follows. Oh, she's so bad! With the swearing! Oh, who will marry her now, poor Billie Jeanne with her fuzzy white sweater? Bender interviews that he has to wonder what kind of wife BJ would be, considering that she's "a party girl" and "enjoys having a good time." I hate Bender. You can just tell that he's thoroughly committed to the "there are girls you screw on the first date, and girls you marry" philosophy, which I think it's Tony's philosophy as well. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that philosophy except when you go on television claiming to intend to get married, particularly when you continue that charade with a girl who actually clearly wants to marry you. Bender says he doesn't know how Billie Jeanne will do "in a domestic situation." I really don't think a guy whose name is "Bender" gets to judge anyone for, you know, anything, but that's just me. I'm also not sure I'm hiring him to cater my dinner parties, so I'm not sure how much domestic expertise he has. Anyway, Bender thinks Tony is "so infatuated" with Billie Jeanne that her "imperfections and flaws" aren't apparent to him yet. That, I would mention, is not the issue. The issue is that Tony knows her flaws exactly and has long since decided not to marry her -- or to marry her for the money, but not stay with her. It's sort of depressing that Bender doesn't understand this situation as well as people watching the show do, and we're not even Tony's best bud.
Denise and Stephen are headed to a mystery location for the evening, which turns out to be "one of [Stephen's] family's restaurants." Apparently, Stephen's family owns "Plaza Pizza." Maybe they're the PlazaPizzas. That would be a great name, and it would certainly make getting into the restaurant business a natural step. Stephen and Denise arrive and go inside to greet Stephen's family. Denise, I have to say, looks really lovely in these scenes, probably because she's substantially more relaxed than she has been up to this point and doesn't have quite that stink of trying quite so hard. Stephen describes the process of introducing Denise as his fiancée as "great," but "fearful" and "scary." Hmm. Someone brings out a pan of what sure looks like a reheated frozen lasagna, but I'm sure the family would want me to assure you is not actually a reheated frozen lasagna. Because they would never serve such a thing at Plaza Pizza. Everyone enjoys a toast -- although no one says anything as amusing as "cheers to beers and queers" -- and just then, Denise spots her parents walking up to the restaurant. They come inside, and Denise hugs her mom. Oh, hey, Denise's dad is there, too, and her brother, and...sister Dawn! Aww, I kind of like sister Dawn. And she'll be so relieved to hear about the schoolgirl outfit, because she was worried that they weren't enjoying enough intimacy.
Interestingly, Stephen's family and Denise's family hit it off like crazy. Stephen's mom says she knew right away that she was going to like Denise's family, and Carol (Denise's mom) says that it was "very comfortable" being with the PlazaPizzas. "I truly believe they've embraced my daughter," she says. Which is, of course, more than we can say for Stephen himself. (Rim shot! Ha-cha-cha-cha! Someone smack me. Seriously. ["[Fwap.]" -- Sars]) Sister Dawn, meanwhile, has noticed a major change in the tone of Stephen and Denise's relationship since last she saw them. She comments that they're more "affectionate" as we see them exchange a little peck. "I am so excited!" she says. Stephen's mom thinks Denise "would make a great wife" for Stephen. I think Denise should marry Stephen's mom. Or Stephen should marry Dawn. Wasn't there supposed to be voting? I would vote for that. Imagine the Denise wigging out that would ensue.
Stephen takes Denise's dad out for a private talk. He interviews that he thought it was "his duty" to ask Dad whether he could marry Denise. Ah, yes, the discussion about transfer of ownership. So charming, that. Back in the pizza kitchen among the sauce and the crusts, Stephen acknowledges to Denise's dad that "this is not your standard situation," but he would like to ask "for [his] daughter's hand." You know, I don't completely hate the idea of having a conversation with a girl's family when you want to marry her, but the idea of actually singling out her dad and specifically making the "hand" remark is just...a little more than I can endorse. It's only a few steps short of the girl's family presenting the guy's family with a dowry consisting of three cows and a goat. And in this case, I guess, a frozen lasagna. Denise's dad basically says, "Yeah, marry her, that's fine," and they shake hands. Wow, that was a warm moment. Dad interviews that he was happy that Stephen had "the courtesy and decency" to ask him about marrying Denise. Hey, that's almost exactly what happened with Trista's dad and Ryan! Wait, are we sure that isn't Trista's dad? Anyway, whatever works on The Bachelor, I guess, is a safe bet for life. "I think they're going to make a great couple," Dad tells us. Back in the pizza kitchen, he says to Stephen, "Have a lot of little ones." This presumably reminds Stephen that if he marries Denise, he will have to touch her, so he's all ooged out again. Now that we've seen Denise's dad give Stephen the go-ahead, Stephen againterviews that Denise's dad gave him the go-ahead. A big family picture is taken. Cheese! (In more ways than one.)
At Tony's apartment in Los Angeles, Tony puts his arm around a chuckling Duane and leads him outside. He interviews that Duane is the closest thing that BJ has to a dad (that is so going on her therapy intake sheet), so Tony thought it was important to Duane to have Tony ask him for his blessing to marry BJ. With one hand on Duane's shoulder, Tony blathers about how they've connected "on a friendship level," and he thinks Duane is "amazing," and that Duane and BJ are "just incredible." "In doing so [what 'doing so' refers to is not explained], I'd like to ask your blessing for our union." Duane looks like he's trying not to crack up. He shoots the camera a hilarious "get this crazy-ass shit" look, and then he looks at Tony and very seriously says, "Yes." They hug. Tony interviews that Duane was happy to be asked. Duane says he was happy to be asked. In other words, Duane was happy to be asked. They hug some more. , we see Duane weeping to the camera about how hard it is when someone you don't know "takes someone that you love away from you." Apparently, Duane has been swamped by a tidal wave of melancholy all of a sudden.
The thing you know, Tony and BJ and Duane are all talking inside. Duane is explaining that everyone is happy for Billie Jeanne, and no one is thinking about the fact that he, Duane, is "the ultimate loser here." Because, of course, when your friends get engaged, the important thing to remember is that it's all about you. You! "I lose my friend, I lose my roommate," blah blah blah. Billie Jeanne explains that Duane then pulled her into the bathroom and proceeded to have a nervous breakdown of sorts about how he "couldn't take this anymore" (huh?) and was so upset about her getting married and everything. We hear Duane sobbing on the other side of the bathroom door. "Everyone else is having fun except for meeee," he snorfles. Billie Jeanne says that Duane's "emotions" and "how he really feels about [her]" are being "exposed" as a result of this very intense situation. Duane then correctly sobs through the door that everyone is probably laughing at him. Well, I know I am, anyway. "I'm tired of the whole scenario," he says. Have I mentioned that it appears that at the time this was taped, the "whole scenario" had been going on for less than two weeks, and had involved Duane for about three days? Duane needs more scenario-related coping skills, I have to say. He then, for some reason, refers to himself as "the token queer" (objection: irrelevant) and talks about his emotions and something something and this is about as much of Tony's bathroom door as I really need to see in dramatic Floor-Perspective-Cam. We hear a nose blown loudly. BJ's friend Paige walks up and knocks, but Duane says, "Go away!" Paige says, "It's Paige." Duane says, "That's nice! Go away!" What an ass, seriously. Way to make your friend's entire engagement about you and your personal suffering. You can tell he's one of those guys who finds himself adorably quirky, but I personally think he just sucks.
Tony interviews that BJ and Duane have a "magical rapport" and "live in their own world." Heh. Sing it, Tony. The drama continues to unfold, apparently, as Billie Jeanne chases Duane around the apartment conducting a loud dramatic confrontation in front of the friends and family, like it's an episode of The Real World (fork-fork-FOOORK!). Man, as much as I feel sorry for BJ about the crappy way Tony is using her, she certainly isn't making herself look like the girl any guy would want his friend to marry, ever. In fact, she's arguably red-flag girl. BJ explains that she had to pull Duane out of his incredibly self-centered state and explain to him how this wasn't exactly about him right now, but it was about her taking "a journey and a step." He sobs as they hug. It occurs to me that I could not take him for five minutes without wrapping his scarf around his neck and choking him. I'll show you some crying, ya big baby.
Back at Casa Nic, Jill is reminding us that she was worried about how Kevin's family was going to react to her having posed in Playboy. Kevin interviews that he was worried about how his family was going to react to Jill's having posed in Playboy. You know, if they only showed everything once, this show would be sixteen minutes long, including the intro segments, the panel, and the lingering, loving shots of the bathroom door. Weirdly, Kevin's dad brings Playboy up in a conversation involving Jill, Kevin, the Nics, and the Kevins. So they're airing this in front of everyone's family, which seems a little odd. Kevin's dad is concerned over her response to the issue of whether or not she would do it again. Jill says that she wouldn't know unless she was asked, but she can't honestly swear she would never pose in Playboy again. Jill perceptively interviews that for all that the Kevins may tell her that they accept her past (have they done that?), she's concerned that it "may bother them." Think so?
Back in the Playboy discussion, Jill is saying to Kevin that if you really love someone, it's about "compromise and communicating," which she (like most people) is using to mean, "You should come around to my way of thinking if you really love me." She cries in an interview as she explains, "I am who I am." And, apparently, who she is is a girl who poses in Playboy. She says she doesn't want to "change totally," and I guess agreeing that once married, she would no longer pose nude if it really bothered her husband would constitute "changing totally." Interesting priorities Jill has. Around the fireplace, Jill is saying to Kevin that they're both individuals, and Kevin cuts her off, saying, "We're not individuals at that point, sweetie, we're one." Scary Anthony gets all bent out of shape about Kevin calling Jill "sweetie." He claims in his interview that he didn't like the "tone" of it, but there's nothing objectionable about the tone. Jill tells Kevin that she has the feeling that because the Kevins are here, he's acting differently than he would otherwise. Again, Kevin makes the mistake of dropping the s-bomb, and Scary Anthony gets all pissed off about it again. "I hear it again, I'm gonna blow the joint," he threatens. The hell? Kevin's sister is like, "What's your problem, weird guy?" and Jill, always her father's apologist, says that it's the "context" because it's "not such a sweet conversation." The thing about this is that while I do think your parents have the right to perhaps not put you in a shared bedroom before you're married if they're uncomfortable with it, there's no way they have the right to tell you, as an adult, what your date should call you or in what "context." Jill's insistence on apologizing for her father's behavior is the biggest red flag in this entire red flag field day. Kevin's sister looks dismayed. She gives a quick interview in which she says that they had this nice day together, and then Scary Anthony just up and attacked Kevin, which obviously freaked her out. Scary Anthony interviews that he didn't want them "disrespecting each other" in his house. Not. Back in the living room, he stands up and gives the dramatic "Whose roof is dis?" speech. This goes on for a while, with Kevin calling her "sweetie" yet again, bringing on a profanity-laden outburst from Scary Anthony right in front of Kevin's very uncomfortable parents. Kevin's sister interviews that her parents are alarmed. Jill interviews again that she may not be accepted by Kevin's family. Boo hoo.
The day at Casa Nic, Mama Nic is working on making meatballs. Scary Anthony comes along and pinches off some of the raw meat from the bowl. Wow, like I needed any more reasons to ponder my intestinal integrity during this particular hour of television. He interviews that once he and Kevin get to know each other, he can be "one hell of a nice guy," but for the time being, he's still being a "son of a bitch." Kevin calls Scary Anthony into a room and tells him that he wants to ask him if it's all right for him to marry Jill. Scary Anthony hesitates. Interestingly, he tells Kevin -- as well as us, redundantly, in an interview -- that Kevin's family is clearly of good quality, so he's sure that Kevin is a good guy. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," he opines. In other words, "I wasn't happy about Jill posing in Playboy either, so anyone who thinks that was a skeevy thing to do is okay with me." Scary Anthony offers his blessing to Kevin, and then they hug and fall back on the bed. No, really. Sex-ay! "Why should I go against it?" he interviews. Uh, okay. That was very anticlimactic for a Scary Anthony-versus-Kevin confrontation. I was anticipating more punching and bleeding. Kevin interviews with a funny little laugh about how Scary Anthony called him "son."
As Kevin and Jill are leaving, Kevin and Mama Nic share what is clearly a very nice moment in the background as she voices over that she would love for them to get married if they think they can make it work. I have to say, I'm not a Scary Anthony fan, but I like Mama Nic. Scary Anthony interviews that he wants Kevin to love Jill and "respect her," and then we see their plane taking off to return them to the Huggy-Boo. On the plane, we see Kevin and Jill moonily approaching each other for a little smooch, and then Kevin's big old tongue flaps right out of his mouth and Jill sucks on it. Okay, that was just really more information than I require. I do not need to literally witness the tongue-swallowing.
At Tony's apartment, BJ and Tony are lying around staring into each other's eyes. "I always want to be with you," she intones seriously. He voices over that her behavior last night "steps across the line" for him and was "crude." He says he had to talk to her about it. "I mean you're so awesome in so many ways," he tells her as they lie I bed, "but you just have no self-censor." BJ, not really getting that he's trying to talk to her seriously, says, "You think?" Tony, surprisingly astutely, says, "I think Billie Jeanne...she wants to please everyone, so a lot of times, she reverts to the fact that she can please people by being loud, funny, obnoxious...." You know, the fact that he's intelligent enough to see what's going on with her kind of makes me hate him more, because it seems like he's listened to enough Loveline to know that this girl is about as fragile as bartenders get, and he has the capacity to actually hurt her by continuing to let her think he's serious about her when he's clearly not. We relive "cheers to beers and queers," and he tells her in bed that he didn't think that was very cool, because his dad was trying to be all serious. "It makes me very uncomfortable," he says, and I at least give him credit for telling her that. "I'm just not sure whether she's girlfriend material right now, or wife material," he interviews. By which he means that he is sure, and he's afraid to tell. He's looking forward to getting back to the Huggy-Boo to "decompress." I hate him.
We return to the Huggy-Boo, and Stephen and Denise are unpacking. Stephen explains that leaving the estate for a few days was great, but as soon as they were back, the pressures on them seemed to build up again. Stephen goes to bed, and when Denise crawls in with him and goes over to smooch him on the shoulder, he doesn't react, so she gives up and goes to sleep. "It's difficult," she says. God, try having to watch it twice, Denise.
As Jill and Kevin return to their villa, she interviews that the panel will see the interaction between their families, which she thinks is good. She thinks, though, that the idea of going in front of the panel is scary, because "they're experts." Ha! Yeah, right. If Miss P. thinks you have no chance, then clearly, you have been discovered as frauds. Actually, I also intend to call Miss P. before I make a decision about marriage. Maybe "Dr." Jenn, too. Or at least her lipstick distributor. I draw the line at Non-Doctor Don, though. At any rate, Jill claims to be falling in love with Kevin. Yawn.
Everyone walks to the Parlor of Judgment, where Egghead tells them that when two people get together, families unite, blah dee blah. "Any crack in your bond as a couple becomes painfully apparent." Or a crack in your Egghead. Hee hee. I just hate him so much. According to the stuff I've read, Egghead apparently has a history in comedy and radio, so why is he doing this gig, and why is he so unfunny? Bleh. Anyway. He dramatically talks about their commitment, and how what they say to the idiot panel is so important, and bibbety-bobbety-boo. "Now it's time to face our panel."
"Dr." Jenn starts the interrogation with Tony and BJ. She talks about how Duane was sort of hard on them, and she's wondering how BJ will feel if it turns out that she can't have both Duane and Tony. Billie Jeanne says that she hates the idea of losing her friends, but Tony -- after these twelve days or so -- is her priority now. Tony squirms nervously, and at one point makes a fleeting pained face that's just very uncomfortable to look at. "I truly care about you, Tony," she says earnestly. "Aww," he says loosely. "I feel the same way." By which he means, of course, "I don't feel the same way." Because every day is Opposite Day in Tony's world. The panel neglects to take the obvious opening to ask Tony about his obvious misery at Billie Jeanne's open adoration. Why they didn't question Tony, I will never understand. Instead, they go back to Billie Jeanne and ask her whether this is different from things she's felt before. She says that she's finally able to be herself and not be afraid. Of course, we all know that Tony is going to dump her because he doesn't like her the way she is, but she doesn't realize that yet. As they finally turn to Tony, he says that "it's difficult to say" how he feels, because of the artificial situation. His fear is that things will be different once they're out of the situation. He wants to make sure that their feelings are real. Billie Jeanne visibly gulps. Ow. Ow, ow, ow. I need an aspirin.
"Dr." Jenn then turns to Denise and Stephen and asks them about how they think the chemistry is going. Stephen yammers about how the first few days, he didn't feel like the chemistry was really there, but it has been growing somewhat. Emphasis on the "somewhat" part. He remains, as he always has been, really reluctant to just say, "Forget it, I am not into her, this is not happening." "Dr." Jenn asks him whether the chemistry is going to go any further, or whether its current lame levels are the highest it's going to achieve. He says that "you can never predict the future." Which means, "I would not spend the rest of my life with this girl if you paid me a million dollars and provided free hookers on the side." Non-Doctor Don asks Denise about the fact that it would seem like it's rather "painful" for her to keep pursuing him and have him be so cold to her. "I wouldn't say it's painful," she says, straining for a smidgen of her self-esteem. Of course, either way, it's painful for the rest of us, even if not for Denise. She insists that Stephen's coldness is merely "disappointing." Miss P. talks about the fact that she herself likes her men to be attracted to her from the beginning, and so she doesn't think it's any good to wait around for the guy to come around to thinking you're good enough. Somewhere in there, there's something I agree with, but it's very teeny and hard to see through the clouds of horror. Denise insists that it isn't that Stephen isn't attracted to her, even though the rest of us know that it is. Miss P. says that it certainly seems that he isn't attracted to her. Denise looks uncomfortable and humiliated. "It's like all of this is just pretense," opines Miss P. "We're not here to impress you or convince you," Stephen says. Of course, owing to the nature of the show, they sort of are, but I guess we're way past logic. "Dr." Jenn asks Stephen if he's satisfied with things the way they are, and Stephen gives an absurd "Absolutely." Denise claims to be enjoying herself. Oy. She gives an even funnier "So far, so good." Oh, good grief. "So far, so good"? Two weeks of indifference can only lead to four weeks of indifference, Denise, and if you need me to go on beyond that, then you're not as good at math as Jill. Miss P. shakes her head knowingly. Shut up, Miss P.'s head.
"Dr." Jenn moves on to Jill and Kevin, and the far less horrifying spectacle of the Playboy debate. Jill recaps the fact that she posed because she thinks the human body is very beautiful. She says that when Kevin's sister asked her if she would pose again and she said yes, that was the first time she realized that Kevin was "not accepting of it." Of course, there's a difference between judging you for posing for Playboy in the past and judging you for saying you would still pose for Playboy after you were married, even if your husband felt uncomfortable with it, but Jill doesn't draw that distinction especially precisely. She goes on to point out to Kevin that she "grew up" with Playboy (huh?) and she always thought of Playboy as very "prestigious" (double huh?), and that she thinks of having posed as a "badge of honor." Of course, they wouldn't have let her pose if she insisted on wearing an actual badge during the shoot, depending on where she put it. Does that qualify as irony? I'm thinking so. "Dr." Jenn points out to Jill that her family wasn't particularly excited about the posing, and now she knows Kevin feels uncomfortable with it. Kevin says he doesn't get why you would want to do something that would make somebody you're close to that uncomfortable. And that's kind of my reaction as well. "Dr." Jenn goes on to ask whether, given the fact that both of them are so close to their families, they're prepared to make each other their "first influence." Nice turn of phrase, "Dr." Jenn. Kevin says yes, but he doesn't know what "Dr." Jenn really means by "first influence," so you can't place great stock in his answer. Not that you usually can anyway, what with the slack-jawed, sweaty delivery he comes out with every time they ask him a question. It's like when challenged, he turns into his own creepy cousin. The one in prison.
Egghead admonishes the panel to act carefully, because the couples' lives are in their hands. Whaaatever. The panel puts its little pointed heads together, and finally "Dr." Jenn says that the decision was "really difficult." Egghead sighs, the weight of the world on his shoulders. Or, you know, his lower shell.
When we return from commercial, Egghead announces that the panel has put the kibosh on the engagement of Denise and Stephen. He makes Denise take the ring off and give it to Stephen, and then he makes Stephen bring him the ring. Egghead wishes them "nothing but the best," and then throws them out on their asses. Then he gives a lame little speech to Tony and BJ and Jill and Kevin about being the last couples left. "What's coming up can either tear a couple apart or bring them together for a lifetime." Or land them in thirty years of therapy, in Billie Jeanne's case.
In Denise and Stephen's room, things are not happy. She is very upset with him for making what she perceives to be insulting remarks about not being attracted to her, particularly without warning her ahead of time. "I had to pull something out of my ass," he says, and I guess it's a defense of himself, but...whatever. "You're missing my point," she says. "Well, I wish you'd get to it," he says. "What is your point exactly? Are you trying to make me feel bad, is that it?" Well, yes, Stephen, that's it exactly, as it has been since the early days of her routine. Denise interviews that she really tried and gave her all to the situation, and she makes it clear that she thinks Stephen didn't. "What's so wrong with me?" she blubbers unhappily. "There's nothing wrong with you," he says. "Obviously, there is," she moans. Denise, do you hear yourself? You're implying that unless there's something wrong with you, everyone on earth should be attracted to you. Everyone will want to marry you unless there's something wrong with you. That's why it's just not healthy to get everything you want -- you wind up unable to process why some things work and some things don't. She tells us in an interview that she felt "hurt, betrayed, and disrespected." Well, I get "hurt," because it always hurts to have somebody not return your feelings, but "betrayed" is out because they never built up trust, and betrayal requires a breach of trust, and "disrespected" is stupid because she put herself in a situation where she was already showing so little self-respect that expecting the guy to respect her was never in the cards. "Let's pack and get the hell out of here," he says gently, giving her a pity hug. Mercifully, she does not try to make it into making out. They pack.
Denise voices over, as they leave, that she was true to herself, and that's what matters. They hug goodbye outside, and then they take off in their separate cars. I think the only really interesting question is who got to keep the plaid kilt.
week: Dancing! Strippers! Vegas! Bachelor and bachelorette parties! Whipped cream! Twirling! Oh, and in theory, they're getting ready to get married. Is it almost over? Man, I hope so.