Previously on Wife in Hell: Five couples came to the Huggy-Boo Ranch and hung out together on the theory that they were engaged. Honestly, it was just a theory. Stephen wouldn't kiss Denise, even though she wanted him to. Matt wouldn't kiss Cortez because she obviously didn't want him to. Xavier wouldn't kiss Jennifer because she was generally across the room most of the time, and his mouth just doesn't stretch that far, even though he is French. Kevin and Jill chose kissing over mountain biking, because DUH. Tony and Billie Jeanne had a hard time interrupting the monkey love for anything so mundane as kissing. A panel of three dimwits mercifully threw Matt and Cortez out of the Huggy-Boo before things got ugly between them. Well, uglier. And I'm not even talking about the ears.
I have to say that it's probably unnecessary to start the show with one of those really long and boring introductions to the concept ("What if you left your ordinary life and wore a white sparkle dress and stuck your hand through a hole and yappety yippety yap"), and then subject us to a separate set of previouslys relating to the last episode in particular, just to make sure that we are entirely up to date. Seriously, guys, the new viewers do not need you to explain the concept, because there are no new viewers. In fact, the audience is fleeing this sinking show so fast that if you listen very closely, you can actually hear "My Heart Will Go On" being tootled on a pennywhistle. You know, I've been wondering why my lips were turning blue.
We pick things up this week on Day 3, a couple of hours after Matt and Cortez's exit, as the rest of the couples consider the way escape -- and therefore sanity -- just whizzed by their ears, missing them by mere centimeters. It appears that they were not moved to reevaluate. Billie Jeanne -- who appears to be wearing a tropical-patterned dress and some kind of ribbon wrap -- says that she was upset with the non-doctors on the panel for implying that she and Tony didn't have anything to their relationship except what the panel politely called "passion." She wants it known that she and Tony have a deep soul connection, because it's not like all she ever does is grind her pixelized ass all over him. As we see footage of Billie Jeanne grinding her pixelized ass all over Tony, he voices over that it's not problematic that he's hot for her; in fact, it would be problematic if he were engaged to someone that he wasn't hot for. Seriously, Tony and Billie Jeanne both could not miss the point more if the point were in Greenland and they were on my couch. (And it's a good thing they're not, because I would hate to have to hose down my couch.) Billie Jeanne -- well aware that it's not easy to find a guy who makes a good landing strip for your pixelized ass -- says that she will be traumatized if she and Tony are "ripped apart." Because if you get thrown off the show, of course, you can never see each other again or the Chaos Theory Brute Squad will come to your house and beat the crap out of you. She goes on to tell us emphatically that being removed from Tony's curiously noncommittal arms would "crush [her]." It would "hurt [her] in ways that [she doesn't] want to feel." You know, if you watched about three seasons of reality shows on Fox, you could write the Complete Field Guide to the Freakishly Needy, and you could successfully identify every species, subspecies, and geographical variation. It's good to know that the network is doing its part for the advancement of scientific knowledge.
As we see Jennifer and Xavier entirely failing to relax in their room at the Huggy-Boo, he voices over that he thought the feedback they got from the panel of "experts" was pretty good, and he thinks they will "learn from it." This is easy for him to say, of course, since the panel reminded him about his long history of women throwing themselves at him, which he undoubtedly doesn't mind having pointed out. Jennifer, on the other hand, explains that she thought the panel "made a pretty quick judgment" in determining that Xavier was having to "chase" her. Of course, it's pretty much the same judgment everyone else made, but let's listen to Jennifer anyway. Even mean women deserve to be listened to -- at least that's the theory on which I'm writing this recap. Jennifer goes on to say that she and Xavier are both trying to get to know each other. Of course, by "both," she means "just him." Because she's not particularly trying to do anything, it would appear. She's not even learning to make fun of him by speaking in a funny French accent, which is what I would be doing. Actually, I'm doing it now. I am more committed to Jennifer's arranged marriage than she is, I guess.
In Jill and Kevin's room, they both explain that they were surprised to see that there were problems with some of the other couples, because they have been having such a stress-free, easy experience themselves. How boring. They will never get screen time this way. More fighting! More begging each other to fill the gaping holes in their wretched lives! They're seriously way too functional, in that weekend-fling kind of way. Kevin points out that there's "no comparison" between how great things are for him and Jill and how lousy they are for everyone else. That's kind of true, which is strange, given that he's way too square-jawed to be very smart.
In Stephen and Denise's room, he pours her a glass of wine as she lolls on the bed in a little peppy-print dress. He interviews that he wouldn't have been happy if they'd been thrown out of the ranch, because he wants a little more time to get to know Denise before he decides whether to marry her or send her home, change his phone number, and get that restraining order. You can just tell there will be no in between. Denise and Stephen feed each other, and Denise interviews that she wants to remain on "this journey" with Stephen. I make a note to introduce a resolution at the Chronic Reality Television Sufferers' Convention to ban the words "journey" -- and while I'm at it, "process" -- because enough is enough. Stephen remarks that the bed is comfortable, and Denise says, in a way that couldn't be less nonchalant if she actually licked him while saying it, "Maybe you should sleep here tonight." He murmurs somethig like agreement. In fact, this would be a good time for you to acquaint yourself with Stephen's Noncommittal Murmur, because it and you are going to spend a lot of time together in this hour. Weirdly, the most impressive thing about that scene is how Denise is managing not to fall clear out of that dress as she lies on her side.
Later that night, Denise and Stephen lie in bed for the night-vision cameras, and she requests a kiss goodnight. They share a teeny little smooch, which she tries to parlay into something a little more intense. He shuts her down with a simple and discouraging mutter of, "Denise." "Goodnight," she says, wounded again, and lies on her back for a good pout. She interviews that intimacy is very important to her, and she's frustrated that Stephen isn't there yet. I have to say that I understand the euphemistic way she's using the term, but I'm not sure how much "intimacy" you can expect to achieve with someone you met three days ago, or how hard it is to understand that he might not feel quite prepared to display very much of it. Back in bed on the night-cam, Denise says, "Cuddling? Is that out, too?" She interviews that he responded that he wasn't ready, but indeed by the time we cut back to them, he's lying there with his arms around her, so apparently cuddling was not out. Nevertheless, she's still awake and unhappy. "Can I ask you a question?" she whispers. "Do you just not have the desire to kiss me?" The captioners inform us that Stephen replies, "No, I have the desire to kiss you," but what it sounds like to me is "Huuuuuuuuhhhnnph." Seriously, the guy is barely moving his lips. It's like he's a ventriloquist, but I shudder to think where the puppet is. "So then why don't you?" she persists. He goes back to the classic Murmur with, "Deniiiise." "I'm asking seriously," she says. "I want to know." The Murmur: "I just want to take it slow, Denise." Now remember, he's not conducting this conversation from across the room. He is, in fact, cuddled up to her in bed with his arms around her, so it's not as if he's refusing to go near her. As frustrated as I'm sure Denise is feeling, I wonder if she's not giving the guy a mental block about kissing her by going on and on about it like this. "Stephen," she says frustratedly, "if we take it any slower, we'll be going backwards." Heh. Okay, that was a little funny. "I'm your fiancée," she says. In an interview, a very uncomfortable Stephen says that he does feel sexually attracted to Denise, but the pushier she is about it, the more it turns him off. Back on night-cam, she complains, "I don't understand how you can go out with somebody for six dates and not kiss them." She goes on: "Stephen, if we went out on three dates and you didn't kiss me, I would have thought you were gay." Jeebus. She becomes more and more amused by this line of questioning. "I'm not kidding," she continues. "I would have been like, 'Oh, I like you, and you're my gay boyfriend Stephen.'"
I'm not sure whether to list my objections to that scene alphabetically or in order of importance, but it would be interesting to hear what Denise would even claim was her reason for the "I would have thought you were gay" remarks. First of all, I'm always amused by anyone who considers herself such a perfect specimen that failure to be attracted to her can only mean that the guy is not attracted to women at all. With a minute of thought, the absurdity and blinding ego inherent in that is pretty evident and pretty humorous. Furthermore, if Denise really wonders whether he's gay, that would be a pretty crappy and insensitive way to broach the subject. If she doesn't really wonder whether he's gay...well, then the immature and absurd nature of her approach is pretty much self-evident. Trying to intimidate or bully people into kissing you wouldn't strike me as a particularly helpful strategy in the long term, but I guess Denise is more concerned about not looking stupid on television. Needless to say, her behavior is thus counterproductive.
We return the day to begin Day 4 at "Copper North Ranch," which I am told is in fact being portrayed by a stunt ranch; namely, the Stonepine Inn. And thanks to my crack research team of emailers, I learned this week that the Stonepine Inn really is where Cruz and Eden's wedding was, for God's sake, which seriously makes me wonder about my own mental health, because I should not know that. Interestingly, the iron gates to the Huggy-Boo have a big "C" and an "N" on them, so I originally thought the producers had rigged them up out of PVC pipe to lend credence to the "Copper North Ranch" concept, but then I discovered that the manor house at Stonepine Inn is called...[drumroll]...Chateau Noel. My detective work is impressive, no? I do feel, after all, like I should do a reasonable amount of work in order to earn the company car and Hawaiian bungalow that recappers now enjoy as a result of the banner ad revenue generated by the 'shipper wars. And Clay (Eeeeeeeears!). Anyway, the morning begins with the four couples sharing breakfast, and then Egghead shows up to deliver some news. The couples are all being put into their own separate villas, so no more sleeping at the Huggy-Boo "manor house." Egghead tells them that these will be their "first home[s] together." Well, all right, Egghead. I suppose they could look at it that way. Denise interviews that she was thrilled at this development, because it would give her a lot more time alone to nag Stephen into kissing her. Love is sure to follow, don't you think?
The packing of bags ensues. It is about as interesting as the packing of bags usually is. Stephen makes sure to take the booze with him, unsurprisingly. Tony and Billie Jeanne arrive at their villa (which is actually Stonepine's "Hermes House," promoted as a "celebrity hideaway"). Inside, they marvel at how cool their new house is. Well, sure! It's a celebrity hideaway! What did you expect? The only possible drawback would be if Ben and J.Lo left their socks draped over the radiator, like they do when they stay at my house. Tony voices over that the house was "like a fairy tale." I move to amend my resolution to ban "fairy tale" also. Billie Jeanne jumps up and down in the living room as Tony voices over how great it is that this will be their "first house together." Which I suppose gives new meaning to the phrase "house of ill repute." Billie Jeanne jumps on the bed to celebrate. Or, I guess, to make sure the springs are up to snuff.
The music changes to a moody piano as Jennifer and Xavier move in to their villa (actually Stonepine's "Paddock House," which has four separate suites inside). Jennifer offers Xavier a glass of wine with all the warmth she can muster, which really isn't very much warmth. He interviews that the villa feels like home to them, as we see them share their wine in the living room. Then he starts voicing over about how Jennifer loosened up in the different environment, and then suddenly, they have a dog. No, really, there's a black and white dog for Jennifer to play with, and she definitely shows the dog more warmth than she's shown her "fiancé." Xavier interviews that he likes her a lot better in the villa than he did at the Huggy-Boo. Hey, maybe if they surround Jennifer with additional domestic props, she will get into the swing of things a little more. Somebody get a blender! And an iron! And an apron with lace edges!
Jill and Kevin's villa is, I think, part of Stonepine's "Gate House." Coincidentally, they think their incredibly lush and expensive digs are really cool, too. When Jill takes Kevin off for a tour of the rest of the house, she cheerily says, "Come on, honey." Wow, they certainly do seem to be settling in. He didn't even flinch at "honey." Jill interviews that now that they're really settled in, they'll get a chance to really see whether they're compatible in a normal situation. She would probably agree that the proceedings still do have a few hints of artifice, but hey, this is almost the way most people start out, isn't it?
Stephen and Denise settle in, and it's hard to tell where they are, actually, since there's no helpful exterior shot. Unfortunately, there is an interior shot, and you can see Stephen's very ugly bucket hat. Because he's wearing it. Ew. He points out that the walk-in closet is the same size as a studio apartment in Manhattan. Heh. They pour some wine. Stephen interviews that the new arrangement will give him and Denise more of an opportunity to "get to know each other." As they stand by the window, she comments on the beautiful house, and says, "And I have a great fiancé." And then she looks at him expectantly. "I have a...great fiancée, too," he says dutifully. They share a timid little kiss. Later, they lie on the couch resting. He still has the bucket hat on. Now, they're thoroughly cuddled up, and he's actually got her all cocooned, complete with his hand all in her hair. He looks really comfy with his eyes closed and her lying with her head on his chest. You would think Denise would recognize this as progress and perhaps LET IT THE FUCK GO for five minutes, but of course, she doesn't. She, as usual, has to look up at him and start begging him to kiss her. God, SHUT UP. Stephen interviews, unsurprisingly, that the pushiness sort of ruined what was shaping up into a sort of a nice moment for him. He goes on, unfortunately, to ruminate on the fact that he's the guy, so he has to pursue Denise, and it turns him off when she doesn't let him "chase" her. Man, they're both such dweebs. Can't we just call it a draw?
The kiss does not occur, because of the blown moment. Denise cluelessly instructs him, "Stop being so shy." He responds, truthfully, that he's not being shy. She insists that he is. God, way to not get it. At all. Some more. He interviews that if she had just let it progress naturally, he might have kissed her anyway. Feh. Seriously, I think his main problem at this point is that her harping on the kissing every time they're alone for five minutes is making him not like her, and that's making him not want to kiss her. I'm not sure it's all that complicated. If this is bothering her so much, it might have been a good idea for her to just ask him about it -- kind of like she did when they were lying in bed before, only at a less high-pressure moment and without the "I'd think you were gay" part. So, actually, not at all like she did it before.
Billie Jeanne happily interviews, "I didn't believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love in two days!" Oh, ow. Tony works on dinner in the kitchen (it appears as though dinner comes in a Ziploc bag), as she opens a bottle of wine. As they eat dinner, they touch toes and she asks him to talk about himself more. He doesn't really want to talk about himself. Tony interviews that Billie Jeanne's very insistent about getting him to "open up" to her, and he feels like he needs to do that at his own pace. After all, the first-date pixelized-ass-grinding is all right, but Tony needs time before he'll be able to actually talk to her. Billie Jeanne tries some icebreaker questions, but Tony eventually hits her with a snotty little speech about how he hates it when people talk about their feelings all the time, because it's just a lot of yap. Under a lot of circumstances, I agree with him, but it would seem to me that if you're going to consider marrying somebody you just met, you might indeed need to speed up the process of acquainting yourself with him or her. Just my two cents, though, and I can't say I have experience with this particular scenario, so what do I know, after all? Billie Jeanne, in an interview, blubbers about the intensity of her feelings and her difficult situation. "I don't want to get hurt," she weeps. Oh, I get it. She's the girl who pretends to be all wild, but just wants somebody to discover how smooshy she really is on the inside...yes, yes, I've seen that movie. Several times.
Animals frolic on the grounds of the Huggy-Boo estate as we fade up on Day 5. Billie Jeanne's friends Paige and Duane come walking up toward Tony and Billie Jeanne's house. Her friends? The hell? The producers are so making this show up as they go along. Furthermore, Paige and Duane are walking up the last part of a very, very long driveway, so either they got dumped out of a truck right before the cameras were turned on, or they walked here from, like, Wyoming. They knock on the door, and Billie Jeanne answers. She is so excited to see them that she starts screaming and jumping up and down and basically freaks. She interviews that this was a great surprise. Again with the redundant voice-overs -- I am not an idiot, here, people. When Billie Jeanne bounced up and down and almost sproinged out of her top, I kind of got the picture. Billie Jeanne introduces Paige and Duane to Tony, who is very blasé about meeting them. Duane interviews that he could "see the affection" between Tony and Billie Jeanne. Understandable, given that they probably did it on the table during dinner. Duane remarks to Billie Jeanne and Tony that it seems to be working, and she confirms that it is. Tony is very quiet.
Xavier opens the door to find that his friend Mike and his sister Virginie have come to visit. The best thing about this visit is that it provides an excellent opportunity to be reminded that Xavier really does have a fantabulous smile, not that he's had much to smile about lately. Anyway, he introduces Jennifer to them.
Elsewhere, Jill opens the door to Robert and Johnny, Kevin's friends. They greet her happily. In a weird interview where he has a pillow across his crotch, Kevin remarks that Johnny and Robert are two of his friends from Orlando. (I personally think that the best thing to do in this segment would have been to send in two people who don't know either half of the couple, and then they'd both assume the people were the other person's friends. How long would it take for someone to say, "Wait, I don't know these people -- you don't know them either?")
Over at the Bucket Hat Villa, Denise opens the door and looks only very mildly excited to see her sister Dawn. I get the feeling that the relationship between Denise and her sister is, to say the least, complicated. I guess they also couldn't find a second person who wanted to visit Denise, and that's kind of sad. Denise doesn't give Dawn a reaction of full-on excitement, just a sort of "Oh...my...God!" She says, though, that it was great to introduce Dawn to Stephen. Stephen interviews that it was good to see Denise happy to see her sister. Or something. Dawn interviews that her first impression was that Stephen was "a hottie." Way to accentuate the positive, there, Dawn.
Over at Hermes, Duane asks Billie Jeanne and Tony whether he can ask them "a few things...about the situation." And just as he did when he was one of Billie Jeanne's peeps, incidentally, Duane has that stupid black scarf on his head that makes him look like he bought an entire Samuel L. Jackson Golden Globes outfit on eBay. Put down the scarf, Duane. Tony says that seeing Duane and Paige made an interesting reality check, because they wanted to know what was going on. Paige asks Billie Jeanne whether she's in love with Tony, and Billie Jeanne says that she thinks she's "falling in love" with him. Tony looks mildly alarmed. Sitting on the kitchen counter with some seriously '80s Eight Is Enough feathered hair going on, Billie Jeanne interviews that she was a little nervous about the nature of these questions. She expresses concern that Paige and Duane might "burst [her] bubble." On that bubble-bursting note, Paige says, "You say that you're falling in love with him. How is that possible?" Thank you, Paige, for that infusion of sanity. God. Paige then asks Tony whether he's in love with Billie Jeanne. Tony hems and haws and says, eventually, that he's not. He then interviews that he doesn't want to "hurt" Billie Jeanne or "let her down." "I want to make sure that I'm the right man for her," Tony says magnanimously. Man, you can see where this is going, can't you? Paige comments to Tony and Billie Jeanne that she thinks things are going so fast between them that it seems a little bit worrisome. "But that worries you," Billie Jeanne says, "so don't take your issue and put it onto me." But...but she's trying to be your friend, Billie Jeanne! Duane then jumps in, saying that he's just afraid that it won't work out and Billie Jeanne will be "totally crushed." Ow, ow, ow. I hate this scene. "Stop doomin' and gloomin' me," Billie Jeanne grumps, clinging tightly to Tony's three-days-of-history hand and ignoring her friends. Tony interviews that he "loves [Billie Jeanne] as a person," but he's still not sure he's "in love with her." Hmm. I think I liked him better before he claimed to love her as a person.
Back on the counter, Billie Jeanne interviews that if Tony doesn't feel the same way about her that she feels about him, that would be "devastating." Oh, dear.
Over at Jennifer and Freedomy's, he shows off the bedroom to Mike and Virginie, referring to it as "where the magic is all happening." "Yeah," Jennifer snorts sarcastically. Mike says that he couldn't help noticing that there was no trace of affection between Xavier and Jennifer. He also found Jennifer "a little bit cold." He says he expected that by now, Jennifer and Xavier would seem a little more comfortable around each other, but that wasn't the case. Jennifer explains that Virginie and Mike sat them down for a talk, to get to the bottom of how they felt about each other. (Apparently, this is what the peeps were told to do, because I don't think they would all have been such buttinskys otherwise.) Virginie says frankly that her sense is that Jennifer just isn't attracted to Xavier; she asks if that's true. Jennifer stammers and dances around the question. Xavier interviews that he realized as they had this conversation that Jennifer wasn't "into this," and wasn't willing to give the experience much of a chance. He says that his patience "has some limits, and I think we've reached that limit." I have to say that I do take his side. Not because Jennifer won't make out with him, but because she's acted like she doesn't want to be there from the first minute they arrived. This is my big conflict, of course, because not wanting to be there is a sign of mental health if it's because the whole thing is so dumb, but the fact that she signed up in the first place sort of clouds the issue. I don't know whether to like the people who seem to have realized just how deeply creepy this is or the people who are willing to at least give it a chance and do what they said they were going to do.
Out by the pool, Dawn, Denise, and Stephen lounge. Shockingly, Denise seems to be on a five-minute break from her quest to make Stephen kiss her. Notably, Dawn interviews that one of her concerns is "whether Stephen can give [Denise] the attention she needs." Apparently, this is a running theme in Denise's life. The music is tense as Dawn bugs Denise and Stephen about their failure to make out. She doesn't understand why it's such a big deal. She remarks that they need to "open up with each other more," and Denise snots, "We had no problems before you got here." Oh, dear. I'd say you did have some problems, there, little miss Please Please Kiss Me Before I Explode. I also think it's interesting that Denise immediately gets really mad at Dawn for butting into their personal business about the fact that they haven't kissed, when Dawn makes it clear that Denise is the one who complained about that to Dawn in the first place. I'm sorry, but if you don't want people getting in your business, the best place to start is not to invite them into it. "We're dealing with it the way we're dealing with it, and that's all right," Denise snaps at her sister. Yeah, Dawn! They're dealing with it! Denise is accusing Stephen of being gay, and Stephen's sweating like a pig because Denise won't back off! They're handling it! It's totally covered! Whatever.
Sunset at Huggy-Boo. Denise and Stephen are getting into bed on the night-cam. Stephen interviews that as they got into bed, Denise "wasn't too happy." God, is she ever? Denise interviews that she "didn't want to force [Stephen] into anything," by which she means, "I wanted to get him to have sex with me without making it seem like I was forcing him into anything." In bed, Denise whispers to Stephen. "C'mere," she says. He turns over so that they're facing each other. She says: "I don't understand. I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm successful, I have a good personality...what's the problem?" Oh, great strategy. She adds, "What more do you want?" Now she's crying: "Or do you want me to lose thirty pounds and wear sexier clothes, too?" Good plan! I find that nothing endears you to a guy like desperately begging for reassurance. "Denise," he mutters, "stop talking like that. I don't like to see you talking like that. I hate that." "I don't understand," she weeps. "Go to sleep," he tells her. "Ah, thanks...rejected again," she says sarcastically. "Stop that," he says. And then...he kisses her. And the music crashes, and they do it. Yeah, I know. It's really, really disturbingly fucked up. Of all the fucked-up things that have gone on on this show, this is by far the worst. It's like some kind of dysfunctional hit parade -- she says that people will think he's gay, he makes her feel fat, he's indicting her as flawed in some way...it's just bad. Bad, bad, bad. Incidentally, even if it wasn't completely sickening, this would be very bad strategy by Denise, because if what she wants is a relationship, she's really not doing herself any favors by talking the guy into what is essentially pity sex. I'm not sure the guy is ever going to be able to look at her in any kind of normal way once she's gotten him to sleep with her just to keep from hurting her feelings.
But anyway, Doing It ensues, complete with audible panting. Ah, God bless the body mic you're never allowed to take off, ever. I actually almost think I hear Denise pant, "Thank you, Stephen," but I'm going to pretend I didn't hear it, because EW.
Time for the guests to leave Huggy-Boo. Dawn and Denise hug. "I love you, and I'll miss you," says a newly smug Denise.
Elsewhere, Duane hugs Billie Jeanne, and he's actually crying. I think he's not crying because he's leaving; he's crying because he knows she's going to get completely fucked over. Seriously. I think that's why he's crying. Sniff. Billie Jeanne hugs her friends and voices over that she felt bad that only her friends got to visit, because she would have loved to meet Tony's friends, and get them to like her.
Jill bids a fond farewell to Kevin's boys. As the boys drive off, Jill and Kevin act very couple-ish. Kevin remarks that as sad as he was to see the boys go, it certainly didn't interrupt the sex marathon. One of Kevin's friends interviews that he's not sure what's going to be left of Jill and Kevin's relationship once the physical part wears off. And he doesn't even know Scary Anthony.
The couples open invitations telling them that they're invited to talk to a "relationship expert" later in the day. Apparently, this is a relationship expert other than the maroons on the panel. Denise says that when she heard it was a relationship expert, she was anxious about it, but when she found out it was a sex expert, she thought that would be great. Whatever. I hate Denise.
Tony and Billie Jeanne walk up toward their meeting with the doc, doing something I always think is interesting -- holding hands, but walking far apart. It's a very unnatural handholding thing. Billie Jeanne interviews that she was afraid that the sex doctor would "judge [them]" for having sex so early in the relationship -- or, as Billie Jeanne puts it, "in this process." That really doesn't seem likely. The editors cut the footage of all the couples arriving together so that it's all jumbly, which I hate. Same thing with the footage of the discussions -- it's all mushed up. It turns out that the doctor's name is "Dr. Pepper Schwartz." Ironically, Dr. Pepper has the stupidest name of all the experts, but she has by far the most impressive résumé, having actually gotten her degree from a real school. She sits down with the couples to interview them. As I said, it's hard to follow because of the horrible editing, but here goes.
Dr. Pepper tells each couple that she's there to get information about them as "sexual people," and then she's going to ask them specific questions about sex. By far, the grimmest expressions come from Jennifer and Xavier, but Stephen does look plenty pink and clammy. Dr. Pepper observes to Stephen and Denise that if they get married, there will be "some expectation" of affection and sex and such, so she wonders how they think that's going. Denise looks off to the side, all cat-that-swallowed-the-canary. Stephen says that they're really just starting to get to know each other, so he's sure the sex part will follow naturally.
Xavier says that he doesn't think of sex as "this holy thing." He says he's had one-night stands, he's had sex with people he didn't really know, and he's also had sex with people he cared about a lot. Jennifer remarks that although she's not claiming sainthood, she doesn't share Xavier's attitude -- she doesn't really believe in one-night stands, and she doesn't have sex with people she doesn't know. See, I really have to wonder what made Jennifer's peeps think Xavier would be a good choice for her, because he really is just about the way it seemed like he would be, or even maybe a little nicer, and she doesn't like his whole smooth-French-guy thing at all. It's like they went out and got her the most expensive sweater, but they didn't bother getting it in her size.
Billie Jeanne -- now on the defensive against the reaction she got from the panel last week and from her friends -- tells the doctor that she thinks sex is important, but of course that's not all there is between her and Tony. She says that both now and when she's an old lady, she will "try [her] best" to keep Tony attracted to her. He says, of course, that she doesn't have to try.
Asked what she enjoys most in sex, Jill says that she likes "all different things." She calls herself "adventurous." Somewhere, Scary Anthony is pounding his fist with a hammer. Kevin seems a little intimidated by the promise of all that adventure, and clarifies that he doesn't really care for the whipping and the tying up and such. Jill laughs nervously that this, of course, is not what she meant. "I'm talking basic sex here," she says. Yep. Basic adventurous sex -- that's what Jill likes.
Denise says that what she likes is "variety." She goes on to say, "Quickies... not-so-quickies [which gets a laugh of surprise from Stephen]...toys, no toys...romance, just down and dirty..." Stephen looks intrigued at this point. "That's a good answer," he says. "That's an excellent, excellent answer." Well, I sure hope so, genius, because it was given for your benefit. Stephen interviews that he learned that he and Denise are very sexually compatible, which he was happy about. Dr. Pepper asks Denise to rank her "top couple positions" (can this scene please end, please?), and Denise says she doesn't know the names of them. Heh. The doctor says she can just describe. Denise explains that she likes to feel the guy's weight on top of her, so she likes what she calls "laying down, uh..." Stephen breaks in: "Is that 'military,' they call it?" "Yeah, I don't know," she says. Dr. Pepper gently corrects them that it's "missionary." You know, that's twice since January that a reality-show contestant on Fox has missed the word "missionary," and it's been really funny both times. I love synergy. Stephen looks very, very embarrassed by this misstatement and pulls his jacket up over his face, which does make me laugh a little. As Stephen and Denise leave, they look substantially more at ease with each other, so it does look like it was fun for them. Particularly the way Stephen reaches for Denise's hand as they're leaving looks sort of promising. Well, you've got to love Dr. Pepper.
Denise says that meeting with the doc sparked conversations between her and Stephen, because it turned out that they had some of the same fantasies. Then, back in their room, she puts on a schoolgirl outfit (aaagh, medic!) that the show has apparently provided. Stephen interviews that it was pretty cool that she was into this, because it's a big fantasy of his. In their room on grainy-cam, Denise comes out of the bathroom wearing...is that a schoolgirl outfit? I guess so. She has white stockings, a kilt, and a white halter top with a tie. Eh. She does have two ponytails, so I guess that's kind of relevant. Stephen says he was "definitely aroused." Doing It ensues.
Billie Jeanne emerges in a French maid's outfit, and Tony likes it, and Doing It ensues, but of course, that's not really news. Did they really need help? Aren't they already, like, a walking porno movie? Hey, what do you know -- it's Billie Jeanne's pixelized ass again. Maybe I should start grading these episodes based on StBJPA.
Kevin comes out in...I'm sorry, shorts? Is that a fantasy? Are those jams? Does Jill have a fantasy about doing it with Jason Priestley in the summer of 1992? Oh, I get it. They're going in the pool. They go in the pool, and aquatic Doing It ensues, accompanied by seriously revved-up sex music. The water theme continues as we see more aquatic Doing It ensuing in the hot tub inside. Jill implies that there was no Doing It until this point, which is actually the one thing about this that actually qualifies as surprising. She informs us that this time, she told Kevin it was "go time." It appears that Kevin throws a towel over the night-cam in their bedroom. Good for him. Although the show will probably sue him for breach of contract.
Morning comes to the Huggy-Boo Ranch. Billie Jeanne and Tony work on a jigsaw puzzle, and she voices over about how incredibly good things are when they're doing mundane things together. Translation: "It's more than just sex, I SWEAR." They curl up on the bed together as Billie Jeanne voices over that knowing that a bunch of strangers will judge their relationship scares her. What if they think it's just pixelized-ass grinding?
Stephen and Denise eat dinner together, and discuss the fact that they both want to continue. But what he says in his interview, actually, is that sometimes he wants to continue, and sometimes he doesn't. Denise, on the other hand, says that she really wants to stay. The half-moon looks down at us. Angrily.
The couples (I just wrote "the teams," heh) walk down to the Judgment Room. The same panel of dorks is sitting there as last week. Dr. Jenn's lipstick isn't quite so assaultively red as it was last time, but Ms. P. has a truly unfortunate yellow outfit on. The couples settle onto their assorted sofas. Egghead gives some yappety-yap about the show and the premise and the whatever whatever. He actually says, "Intimacy demands commitment." So says Egghead, King Of Relationships, who probably lost his last girlfriend to a cable access host. Egghead reminds the teams that last week's decision to boot Matt and Cortez was allegedly based on what happened during the panel interview, although of course, anyone who watched that week's events would logically find that hard to believe.
The panel starts with Kevin, asking him about the fact that he's "still searching" for a start to his second career. Non-Doctor Don asks Kevin what his financial plan is for his future, and how this might affect his decision to get married. I think this means, "Are you ever planning on working again? Because Jill really doesn't seem like the support-her-husband type." Kevin, just as last week, goes all sweaty and nervous and his looks drop from about an 8 to a 5. Kevin points out first that this isn't his second career he's working on -- he's had "many a career." Um, I'm not sure that's helping, Kevin. He blathers absolutely incoherently about how he's "been through some straits in finding some certain direction" -- say WHAT? -- but he's "not concerned." Jill is asked whether she's concerned, and she says that her only worry is that she really likes shopping. See, they laugh at this like it's stupid, but if you ask any marriage counselor, they will tell you that fighting about money is really serious, so I don't actually think Non-Doctor Don is too dumb for asking this question. Not because Kevin is supposed to make enough money for Jill to go shopping, but because if he plans to live on a shoestring and she plans to own hundreds of pairs of expensive shoes, they are indeed likely to fight. Jill insists, of course, that she could change her way of life and shop less if it were important for their future. "Dr." Jenn seems unconvinced. Jill speaks warmly about how excited she is to start saving money for her and Kevin's future.
Denise is asked about her sister's comment that Stephen and Denise both seemed to be more open with her than they were being with each other. Of course, rather than addressing the substance of the question, Denise decides to address the fact of her sister's having said it. She says she just wasn't happy at all that Dawn made that comment, because she and Stephen are fine. Just fine, dammit! Miss P. is concerned that Stephen and Denise are not being really honest, either with each other or with the panel. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but...Word, Miss P. Stephen again changes the subject, saying that the panel has no idea what he's going through. Way to not answer the question, dude. Non-Doctor Don presses, asking about the fact that whenever the relationship seems to be getting more intense, Stephen seems to freak out and "put the brakes on." Stephen just says that everyone reacts differently, so they can all just shut up. Which would be fine if they weren't right that he's completely fooling himself.
Non-Doctor Don asks Billie Jeanne about the fact that Paige seemed pretty skeptical of her relationship with Tony. Billie Jeanne says that her friends just feel that way because she tends to throw herself into relationships with both feet so quickly that she winds up getting hurt. Um, not that that's what she's doing in this situation. At all. Non-Doctor Don says that he wondered whether that made Billie Jeanne and Tony mad, because they certainly seemed mad about the part last week where the panel asked them if there was anything to their relationship other than sex. Tony steps in, saying that he did take offense, because there's so much more to their relationship than sex, because sex is "1%" of the time they spend together. Non-Doctor Don points out that the percentage is a little higher than 1%. Tony and Billie Jeanne chuckle, but Tony reiterates that he was disappointed that sex was the only thing the panel asked them about. Interestingly, sex was not the only thing the panel asked them about -- they were being asked what there was to their relationship other than sex, so they were actually given the opportunity to talk about other things if there were any. Which it seems like there aren't. "Dr." Jenn points out that they shouldn't assume that the remarks last week about their constant humping were meant to be negative, because no one on the panel is anti-humping. They're just saying that there should be other dimensions to a relationship if you're going to get married. Billie Jeanne says that "what has happened has truly come from [her] heart." Also her ass, but you might not have seen that, because it was pixelized.
"Dr." Jenn tells Jennifer that the panel respects her attempts to be true to herself, but that they're wondering if she's not taking it a bit too far. In other words, they're concerned that her whole "I can't pretend to have those feelings" thing is a cover for what basically amounts to "I can't admit to having any feelings." Jennifer misses the point, talking about how Xavier is very touchy-touchy, and she's just not like that. She returns to this "chemistry" issue that seems to be so hot among the singles. She needs it, she doesn't have it, and so forth. And this is what I think is so bizarre -- I can, I guess, intellectually understand that some people might conclude that the many world cultures that have pursued (and still pursued) arranged marriage have it right, and that the love-muffin view of how you get married by meeting people at bars or whatever is unrealistic and overrated. But it seems to me that if you do that, you have to accept that you're not basing your marriage on chemistry. In other words, I think the grand tradition of arranged marriage has not necessarily been built on an expectation that sparks will fly from the first minute you meet. It's like Jennifer wanted to meet the guy in an arranged-marriage way, but she still wants a Love Boat kind of romantic wooziness. And that doesn't seem realistic. Non-Doctor Don tells Jennifer that it's not about chemistry or sex, but about "learning to love another person," so it's not helpful for her to decide to back off just because she doesn't feel the chemistry at first.
Jennifer insists that she has never "mistreated" Freedomy, and Non-Doctor Don says that he'd like to explore that with Freedomy himself. He asks Xavier about the fact that Jennifer has basically spent the week rejecting him; how does he feel about that? Xavier says that he does feel rejected, and that from the beginning, he's felt that Jennifer just didn't like him. She was willing to be friendly, but (as he puts it) "it's called Married By America, it's not Making Friends By America." Jennifer visibly rolls her eyes. Xavier says, to a smile from "Dr." Jenn, that he does think he and Jennifer have a lot in common, and that it frustrates him that Jennifer won't be more open to getting to know him. Jennifer now explains that she has been very concerned about giving Xavier the wrong impression by "setting him up to hurt his feelings." I guess her point is that she has no intention of winding up with this guy, so she doesn't want to give him the impression that she does. I think she's kind of missing what the panel is trying to tell her, which is that she may have been a little quick to decide about the "no intention of winding up with this guy" part. Non-Doctor Don accuses Jennifer of setting up her "emotional world" in a certain way and being unwilling to change it. "There are other ways of maintaining control," he says, "other than being cold, brittle, and distant." (You'll notice that he didn't say there were better ways.) Jennifer looks quite gobsmacked at this remark. "Those are very strong words," she says. "If you really think that, I don't know what to say."
Egghead says that now it's time for the panel to put their "heads" together and decide who is destined to leave the Huggy-Boo . He tells them how important it is to make the right decision, because it's crucial to the couples, but once again, the panel doesn't even leave the room. They just lean over and whisper, and it seems to take about ten seconds. Thanks for concentrating so hard, guys. They hand the card to Egghead, who reveals the non-shocking news that the engagement is over for Jennifer and Xavier. Duh. Not quite ready to roll over and go away nicely, Jennifer says that she wants to say something. She says that she was open to listening to the panel, but that she thinks that the "cold, brittle, and distant" remark was too harsh, and that if she ever had a therapist who said that to her, she would find a new therapist. I think it's safe to say that if I ever had a therapist who administered my therapy on television, I would find a new therapist, but I suppose ours is not to reason why. "Thanks for letting us know your thoughts," says "Dr." Jenn, as Non-Doctor Don looks on cluelessly. He has a very simian face, that Non-Doctor Don. And now, dramatically, Jennifer gives the ring back to Xavier, and Xavier transfers it to Egghead. That is the stupidest elimination gimmick of all time. It's actually stupider than the torch, and that is really saying something. Xavier and Jennifer leave. Off with you skanks!
Egghead tells the rest of the couples that they have been "spared." Oh, quite the contrary, my dear Egghead.
As he and Jennifer pack to leave, Xavier interviews that his and Jennifer's being eliminated was no surprise to him. He helps her with her stuff, and she tells him that he's "the best," and he lightly responds that he tried to tell her they'd make a good couple, and that she should have listened. He interviews that Jennifer told him that she doesn't like the word "relax," and he now realizes this is because she needs to do it and doesn't know how. He thinks she needs to find a way to take it easy, because she's just way too tense. I kind of agree. In her exit interview, Jennifer describes herself as "hurt" and "angry" over the remarks that she's cold and brittle, but Xavier then interviews that she didn't like those remarks because they were true. And...again, I tend to agree. Xavier helps Jennifer with her suitcase, and she says, "Thank you, sweetheart." He tells her that he's going to hug her, even though he knows she doesn't like hugs, but she insists that she does like them, and they hug. Whatever. "I'm going to kill you," he mutters. "Oh, all right, that's fair enough," she says. Um...okay. They leave. Wish each other the best, and so forth. That was kind of poignant, except for the death threat.
week: time to meet the parents. Kevin's mom isn't happy that Jill did Playboy, Billie Jeanne's friends think Tony's apartment bites, Stephen faces Denise's father, and best of all? The return of Scary Anthony. Yay!