Previously on Holy Matrimony! And Other New Developments In Profanity: Jill and Kevin received the reluctant blessing of Scary Anthony, who really, really would not want you to call him "Sweetie Anthony." Tony and Billie Jeanne spent some time watching BJ's friend Duane cry his eyes out and mop his head with his black scarf, and BJ's mention of a party in her pants put Tony's father off even more than the fact that a perfectly innocent abominable snowman died to make her sweater. Stephen's and Denise's families got along like gangbusters, but that was a surprisingly ineffective aphrodisiac, and they managed to be evicted for total lack of discernible attraction anyway. Stephen almost spat on Miss P. on the way out the door.
"Due to some sexual content, parental discretion is advised." Oh, if only they would follow this with the equally appropriate, "Due to idiotic behavior, stupid music, soporific editing, and a generally elevated squick factor, the exercise of any other kind of discretion is likely to interfere with your enjoyment of the show, and is therefore most definitely not advised."
Introductory whatnot. What if you were a fame whore? What if you had no shame? What if you went on TV and zzzzzz...man, how sick do you think Scary Anthony is of seeing that clip of Jill going, "Touch my breasts!" I think every time that's on, he breaks the arm of the nearest man under the age of fifty.
On Day 12, two hours after the departure of Denise and Stephen, while Denise's schoolgirl outfit is probably still being laundered, Tony and Billie Jeanne relax in front of the fire back at "home." Tony interviews that he thinks the elimination "went pretty well," in that he and Billie Jeanne weren't eliminated. Well, you've got to have a goal. He says that he and BJ are "very honest with each other," which isn't interfered with by the fact that Billie Jeanne is clearly deluded as to his feelings about her and he has no intention of correcting her. He says that the panel kept them on the show because intellectual giants of the grade of "Dr." Jenn, Non-Doctor Don, and Miss P. can see that he and Billie Jeanne are "actually attempting to have a relationship." We flash back in sepia tones to BJ telling Tony, during the panel questioning, how crazy she is about him, and the way he didn't respond in kind. Tony tells us that he "wants to live up to the person that she deserves to have," which is the biggest cop-out in the history of cop-outs. It's the "Gee, I'd love to be your tootsie-wootsie, but I'm not good enough for you -- I'm only good enough for these eighteen hookers I'll be spending the three weeks with" theory. It's the "I like you so much that I can barely bring myself to screw your sister during your bridal shower" theory. More sepia footage of Tony telling the panel that he wants to make sure the feelings they have will survive their exit from the strange environment of the Huggy-Boo. We see him and Billie Jeanne making out on the couch as she voices over that "the reality is setting in." That's not reality setting in, in my personal opinion -- it is deep and abiding evil. I feel it settling in my stomach, where it will linger endlessly like a bran muffin.
An extreme close-up of an outdoor lamp serves as someone's idea of an attractive transition to Jill and Kevin's house, where they are enjoying a toast. "Here's to you and me," he says. "You and I," she corrects with a condescending smirk. She's wrong, of course. Nevertheless, he looks up at the ceiling as if there's a Strunk & White taped to it, and he agrees that she's right. And then Jill voices over, "When it came to Kevin and I, the panel realized that blah blah blah...." Ha! Jill has a little trouble with her pronouns. I wish I thought they played that clip there on purpose. In fact, I wish I felt confident that they knew she was wrong in correcting him when they chose that clip. At any rate, Jill goes on to recall the scene in which the panel asked both her and Kevin whether they could make each other their "first influence," despite the strong pull of their families. She, however, describes this as their having been concerned about whether Kevin could "break free" of the influence of his family. I think it's safe to say that, considering Jill still lets Scary Anthony call her a "little peanut" and dictate whether her boyfriends may or may not call her "sweetie," the panel most likely had its concerns about Jill as well. Of course, the panel is almost as stupid as the contestants, so maybe not. Kevin tells us that he wants his friends and his family to accept Jill. As they make out at the dinner table, we get to see some more extremely close observations of their tongues. I swear, I have seen more of Kevin's tongue in this show than I have seen of entire contestants on other shows.
The morning, both couples are enjoying breakfast al fresco when they are interrupted by Sean "Egghead" Valentine. He tells them that they're all "committed to walking down the aisle." Of course, by "committed," he means "it's really up to you." Egghead then says, very gravely, "Take that in for a moment." The things they do for filler on this show. My secret suspicion is that Egghead has to pause periodically to remember his line. He goes on to promise that the "strength of [their] bond will truly be tested." Most hilariously, he says, "You're about to face the same challenges that face any couple as they count down to their wedding day." And indeed, I think you will agree that what you are seeing and what you are about to see are both typical of the average person's pre-wedding experience. With fewer cameras, probably. Egghead encourages the couples to confront their issues pronto, before things get ugly. Man, talk about waving at a parade that's already gone by. All that's left to do now is clean up after the elephants, if you get my meaning. Egghead explains to the couples that the panel will not be eliminating couples anymore. The panel will just be there to offer "guidance." Oh, good. That's like saying the IRS will no longer be processing tax returns, but that their entertaining personnel will still be available to DJ at parties. What a relief. He says that the TV audience -- all three people watching, that is -- will later vote for the couple it believes to be most compatible. I hope the vote is two-to-one instead of being unanimous. Anyway, if the couple with more votes goes ahead and gets married, they get $100,000 and a car, and if they "stay together" (again, we have no idea what that means), they get a house. Jill and Kevin exchange a little smooch that looks relatively spontaneous, and then Tony plants one on Billie Jeanne that looks completely forced, like someone is standing offscreen making a threatening finger-across-the-throat gesture. BJ, by the way, is wearing a sort of fringy, stringy halter top that looks like something Laurie Partridge would have gotten in trouble for trying on. Better yet, it's got that 1975 rec-room sofa color scheme going on, with the burnt orange and yellow. Finally, Egghead leaves. Yeah, off with you, skank!
Billie Jeanne interviews that winning the money would be awesome, because it would get her and Tony out of debt and give them new lives. Sure, they'll be new lives of shame and misery, but at least they'll be running in the black. Kevin ruminates on the prize as well, saying that he wonders sometimes whether he's doing it for the right reasons (and really, what are the right reasons to be involved in something like this?), and whether Jill is. Dun-dun-dun!
Later, Jill and Kevin sit on the couch having a talk, and Jill tells us in her voice-over that they sat on the couch and had a talk. Just as they're discussing marriage or Kevin's giant tongue or whatever it is they're discussing, there is banging on the door. I swear, these people get more fawning losers dropping by to suck up than the head of the Senate Appropriations Committee. Jill explains in her interview that there was a knock on the door, so she figured someone was there. Good thinking, Jill! I can see why she wants to go into broadcasting -- she certainly does know how to read between the lines. But when they open the door, there's no one there! Because their wacky visitors are hiding! Ha ha ha! Of course, when Jill says, "No one's there," she's not counting the cameraman, who would sort of give away that indeed, someone is most likely around. Anyway, Jill and Kevin cautiously go outside, all, "Who knocked on the door of our pretend house?" People jump out, and they turn out to be Jill's sister Jennifer and Kevin's friend Robert. Howdy, peeps. There is much giggling and hugging and back-slapping and oh-aren't-we-all-friends. Mwah! Love you! Mwah! Love you, too! I hate them all. Jill says that she "knew something was up," because otherwise, why would her sister be there? Jill is smart. She and Jennifer sit on the bed a bit later, and Jennifer says that the reason she's there is so that she and Jill can go wedding-dress shopping. Oh, goodie. Jill says "Woo!" and claps, because that is the level on which this show functions. The woo-and-clap level. (Catch the triple-meaning and win a prize!) (Okay, I admit there is no prize.)
Over at Casa Billie Jeanne and Tony, our intrepid couple walks into a bedroom to find Billie Jeanne's friend Paige and Tony's "best man" Bender lolling on the bed. They have their clothes on and everything, so I don't think they got the point of this show, but...whatever. It would have been a more interesting plot point if Paige and Bender had been making out when they were interrupted. Which I guess is why it didn't happen. Unsurprisingly, upon seeing them, Billie Jeanne squeals. She and Paige jump up and down, carrying on with the woo-and-clap. Oh, and as Tony gives a manly greeting to Bender, he explains everything that just happened in a voice-over. In case you missed it. Did you miss it? Paige tries to sound excited while telling BJ that she's there to take her shopping for The Dress. The Dress! Squeeeeeal! Indeed, Billie Jeanne -- despite the fact that she already did it once, allowing all of us to fill in the center square on our Married By America bingo cards -- jumps up and down and screams. As she and Paige leave to go shopping, Paige says that it's "really sinking in" that BJ is getting married. Yeah. Sinking in as in "a sinking feeling," She asks BJ if she's ready, and BJ cackles and says she is.
Cut to the House of Suspiciously Similar Wedding Dresses, which looks like a big dining room or something into which a couple of racks of dresses have been moved. In other words, they're hardly "shopping for a dress" in the traditional sense. They're more "picking a dress" from a small selection laid out by the show. Moreover, there's not a single dress on the rack that isn't either strapless or spaghetti-strapped. Because this is Fox, dammit, and you must be sexy even in your wedding dress. The selection of dresses is, suffice it to say, quite limited. Billie Jeanne says that the place looked like "a Cinderella store right in front of [her] face." She tries on a veil. This makes her laugh. Me, too, but in a different way. BJ tells us that she felt beautiful. Aww. Sometimes I just hurt for her.
Jill admires herself in the mirror in a certain self-satisfied way that only girls who spend a lot of time admiring themselves really can. She interviews that this is something she has been dreaming about since she was little. Probably not with the part where she doesn't know the guy and his giant tongue is its own TV show, but the rest of it is just like she imagined, I guess. She explains that when she went shopping dress for her sister's dress last year, she never dreamed that this year it would be her. Well, sure. Jill dances badly while watching herself in the mirror with great approval. I think she's checking to make sure the dress won't fall down. She's fine, though, because she's got one of those strapless dresses that actually works best with large, fake boobs to hold it in place.
Billie Jeanne, meanwhile, makes a Runaway Bride joke to herself about showing up on a horse. "I can't wait...this is going to be the happiest day of my life," she tells the camera. Man, she is so earnest, it makes me cover my eyes.
At a place called "Gary's Tux Shop," the men are doing their much less complicated thing. The tux lady asks Tony what the occasion is (as if she doesn't know), and Tony says he's getting married. Tony tells us that the approaching wedding is "scary and nervewracking," but "feels pretty right." He turns to the tux lady as they flip through a catalog of the offerings and says, "I don't want to look like that...I want to look like Ricky Martin." Wow. What a strange, outdated, oddly amusing reference. Bender tells us "it's a little tough" that Tony is getting married, because that means Bender won't have anyone to go on a...well, bender with him anymore, now that Tony will obviously be settling into a peaceful domestic existence. Mm-hmm. Somehow, I think Bender has nothing to worry about, compared to Billie Jeanne. Tony comes out of the dressing room and asks Bender whether what he's wearing makes his ass look fat. Heh. His ass doesn't actually look fat, but he also doesn't look like Ricky Martin. Bender says, "Okay, this is getting a little weird." Look at me, all ready to laugh at even bad, forced humor at this point, because it's better than the endless stream of Egghead yapping, pixelized asses, and interviews about "the journey." Tony interviews about how helpful it was to have Bender with him, because if Tony had done this alone, it would have made him nervous. Well, I can see how Bender would be a comforting presence. I suppose. Tony tries to win my affection by flatly telling the tux lady that no, contrary to her recommendation, he will not be wearing a pimp hat to his wedding. I can at least thank him for that. Then he threatens to make the groomsmen wear "pillbox hats." Which is...slightly funny also. Though disturbing. Bender tells us that there was a time when he would not have expected Tony to get married. Presumably, this was before getting married presented an opportunity for famewhoring. Who can turn down marriage when it means you might get your own KFC commercial?
Back at the House of Gowns, Jill is still being fussed over in her dress, the Boob-Maximizer 3000X.
Billie Jeanne's dress is actually pretty nice. They're certainly nice dresses, and I'll give the girls credit for picking simple ones, which are the ones I always favor. The sight of herself in her veil makes Billie Jeanne laugh and laugh. She and Paige hug. Aww. Billie Jeanne tells the camera, "I don't want to take this dress off, I want to GO GET MARRIED NOOOOW!" Yes, by the end, she's yelling. She starts yelling, "I'M GETTING MAAA-RRIED! I'M GETTING MAAA-RRIED!" She runs around the room like a freak, sort of dancing and sort of having a nervous breakdown. She and Paige jump up and down and scream some more. And then, as she and Paige hug, Billie Jeanne starts to sob. Yeah. I'm thinking the tears are a little more the way she's actually going to look most of the time she's got that dress on, so it makes sense she should see whether the dress clashes with misery. Ruining this one little moment of oddly genuine emotion, the editors throw in a voice-over from Billie Jeanne, in which she explains that she was crying. Thanks, guys. She says she felt "happy" and "filled" in the gown. Umm, "filled"? Okay.
Later, Billie Jeanne and Tony return to their bedroom after their wild day of "shopping," and there's an invitation on their bed again. The invitation explains that they're going to Las Vegas for their bachelor and bachelorette parties. Jill and Kevin are looking at their invitation too. Kevin looks less than thrilled, but Jill's never been to Vegas, so she looks happy. Jill tells Kevin to "be a good boy" at his bachelor party. Oh, the irony. Weirdly, we then see Billie Jeanne giggle and order Tony, "You better stay on your side of the tracks." I think she's telling him to be good, but I don't know why she used that particular mangled cliché. He tries to save it for her by saying something about wrong sides of the tracks or something, but it still doesn't make any sense. I think the veil cut off the blood supply to Billie Jeanne's brain. It certainly wouldn't have to pinch very hard to do so. They lie down on the bed and make out, and Tony voices over that he's scared to go to Vegas, because he has cheated on girlfriends before and doesn't want to hurt Billie Jeanne. Fortunately for Tony, I've heard that even in Vegas, you get to keep your free will regarding whether you choose to cheat on your girlfriend (or, in this case, your pretend fiancée). Your pants do not actually remove themselves, despite what you may have heard. The editors use their favorite fade-out trick, which is their signature shot of the moon.
The morning, water gurgles in a stream as the subtitles tell us that it is Day 14. Everyone is packing to get ready to leave, and then Billie Jeanne is sort of whimpering as she and Tony hug, because she doesn't want to leave him. He tells her not to be dramatic about it, and to just "beat it." She finally goes out and gets in her chauffeur-driven red SUV (huh?) and gets on her way. "Hey, you forgot your big box of condoms!" Tony yells to her as she closes the door. Fortunately, I think Tony knows what to do with the big box, given that BJ doesn't need it. Tony says it was "weird" to see BJ go. You'll notice, he didn't say "sad" or anything. Just "weird." He then says that "it will be nice to get a little bit of alone time for both of [them]." He's scared of her; you can tell.
Over at Jill and Kevin's, they are smooching as usual, and they both have their sunglasses perched on the tops of their heads. They canoodle and laugh and actually look rather couple-ish, as they sometimes do. Jill and her sister and Billie Jeanne and Paige climb into a little plane for the flight to Vegas. BJ says the private jet was "awesome." She says that as they landed, Vegas looked like "a giant fun park for adults." Which it pretty much is, except that most "fun parks" don't have people walking up to you on the street, going, "These girls come to your room! They can be there in ten minutes! TEN MINUTES!" The girls deplane and yell "Woo!" a lot as they head into the city. There is much cackling and laughing in the limo from the airplane.
The guys arrive . "Ah, Vegas," someone says calmly. And then they're getting to the hotel, and -- yay, it's the Aladdin! We had the TWoP recapper humdinger there in December, so I can now say I have experienced one thing in common with these morons. The guys are sent to the North Tower and the girls to the South Tower (South Tower rules! Woooo!). As the girls to into their room, I can't think about anything except, "Hey, I was just there! I know that carpeting! I know those colors!"
Tony interviews that a bachelor party is "not something to fear. It's something to embrace." Oy.
A scenic shot of the lovely Aladdin leads off the following sequence, in which -- wouldn't you know it -- a doorbell rings. Because doorbells ring on this show freaking constantly. Jill opens the door of her room, and screaming ensues, because it's her cousins and her friends! There for her bachelorette party! So exciting! Squeeeeeeal! Honestly, what would this show be without screaming scenes? Similarly, Billie Jeanne is greeted by assorted peeps. And again, here is Billie Jeanne jumping up and down in excitement. The passel of chicks finally stops shrieking long enough to make its way down one of the Aladdin's hallways, all side-by-side just like my friends and I always walk around. Don't you and your friends do that? Walk around in a big line, arm-in-arm-in-arm? I know the recappers did. The chicks make their way up to a suite where their party will take place. There is screaming and yelling. Billie Jeanne explains that the girls got into the suite and climbed up on the tables. We get an odd voice-over from Tony explaining that Billie Jeanne had never been to Vegas, and Vegas had probably never seen anything quite like Billie Jeanne. Girl, please. Vegas sees twenty girls like Billie Jeanne every time it opens one of its enormous, drunken eyes, belches, and passes out again.
Scenes of girlish debauchery ensue. The girls are passing things to each other with their mouths, Jill is removing a garter from Billie Jeanne's leg with her teeth, and -- what a shocker -- male strippers arrive. Or, you know, "dancers." They appear to be doing their usual fairly non-alluring (in my opinion) stripper stuff, and then one of the guys is eating whipped cream off of Jill's crotch. Yeah, nice. (If you can't picture this, she's lying on the floor, her very-short skirt is barely covering her hips, and the gob of whipped cream is right at the hem of her dress.) The strippers are spanked and fondled, and Jill licks one of their nipples (meaning one of the nipples of one of them, not one of their collective nipples), and it's all very hot, I suppose. Meh.
Over at the bachelor party, Bender brings in the girls. Both blonde, wearing matching black lace dresses that are so short that their asses are basically pixelized from the minute they walk in the door. The one with the giant (or more giant) boobs takes Tony into another room where he can enjoy her and her partner more comfortably. In an interview, he explains that it's not that he wanted to get away from Billie Jeanne; it's just that he wanted a break from all the pressure. Oh, now strippers are stress relief. Well, I suppose it was that or a pedicure, and he didn't want to look girly. So anyway, here's Tony in one of the other rooms of the suite, getting his complimentary lapdance (I think the suite also includes a complimentary copy of USA Today in the morning) from the two chicks. Stripper footage ensues, including footage of the girls making out with each other, which becomes just a tad skeevy when we are told (apocryphally, I'm sure) that they're sisters. Tony proudly tells us their names, because it's not like he would get a lapdance from girls he didn't know. "They did manage to take my pants and my shirt off," he explains, "and got me on all fours." I'm sure it was quite a struggle. They probably had to use stun guns. We see them administering a topless spanking to Tony. You know, I'm never sure where the line between "stripper" and "hooker" really is when things become this interactive.
Back at the chick party, Jill and Billie Jeanne are dirty dancing with each other, sort of. It's really not that dirty, especially compared to the topless spanking, and it's only "dancing" according to a very generous definition of the term. Billie Jeanne explains that Jill wanted a female stripper, so her friends got her one. BJ grins that the female stripper was "a lot of fun, too." Well, that's a relief. I hate those strippers who have no sense of whimsy. Some of the women at the party look a tad uncomfortable with the stripper, but Jill seems to enjoy her. Believe it or not, it is relevant to the plot events that follow for me to tell you that Jill winds up straddling the stripper as the stripper lies on the couch with just her hands over her boobs. Jill is doing her ride-'em-cowgirl routine, thrusting all over the stripper and waving her hands in the air (like she just don't care). BJ explains that she and Jill both handled the stripper, so all was well at first.
Until, that is, the Great Stripper-Licking Controversy. Billie Jeanne licks a dollop of whipped cream off the stripper's tummy, but when it is Jill's turn to do this, she suddenly bristles, all, "I'm not comfortable with that." Okay, Jill? You already licked whipped cream off the guy's nipples. You already rode the girl like Gene Autry. From what are you attempting to rescue your virtue? What a complete load of crap this is. "It was like peer pressure. I felt like I was in high school," Jill sniffs contemptuously in an interview. Billie Jeanne voices over that she thinks Jill was worried about what Kevin thinks. Yep, so do I. And Kevin's family, too. Not because it's impossible for a person to decline any stripper-based activity on the basis that it makes her genuinely uncomfortable, but because it's such an about-face from what Jill was doing five minutes ago. I think it suddenly occurred to her how this would look to Kevin's family, and I also think she has been looking for a way to make it clear that she is classy while Billie Jeanne is trashy. Jill snots in an interview that Billie Jeanne was upset because Jill's show of class made Billie Jeanne "reflect upon what she just did." Ugh, what a snot. And she's not even right. BJ has been doing things like that for a long time, and I don't think she's the slightest bit embarrassed. "Deep down, there was a lot stirring," Jill intones, regarding what she reads as Billie Jeanne's obvious humiliation at not comprehending the obvious moral distinction at issue. Anyway, Jill and BJ have a confrontation in which BJ accuses Jill (quite correctly) of being full of shit and trying to change herself to please a guy. I don't even think there would have been anything wrong with Jill reining in her behavior because she thought it would upset Kevin or his family, but I do object to her acting like she's planting her flag on the moral high ground. I think Jill is one of those women who unfortunately gets a charge out of drawing lines between herself and other women -- she may pose for Playboy, but that's "prestigious," not trashy like Penthouse or something. Jill snots in her interview that she was being "true to her heart," which apparently thought that having a guy lick whipped cream off her crotch was fine, but licking whipped cream off a stripper's belly button was over the line. What a load of crap.
Somewhere, Billie Jeanne looks in a forlorn manner at the camera and talks about how she wishes Tony was there. Back at the boys' party, Tony is not missing Billie Jeanne quite the same way, because he is having a chat with one of the "sisters." The two of them make their way into the back bathroom (the bathrooms at the Aladdin are as big as entire rooms at other hotels), where some degree of unseemly behavior follows. Meanwhile, the other "sister" tries to hit on Kevin with her personal lapdance, but Kevin's all, "No, thanks." No, really. It appears that it is literally possible -- even in Vegas -- to choose what you do and don't want to do in a way that appears genuine. One of Kevin's friends helps him fend off the stripper, later explaining in an interview that Kevin was going along with the lapdance for everyone else's entertainment, but that he knew Kevin wasn't enjoying it, so he helped put a stop to it. "Kevin is about morals and values," the guy says. See, I don't think you have to agree with Kevin that lapdances are immoral, but at least Kevin didn't pull a Jill and try to get morally outraged when he was on his thirty-seventh lapdance of the evening. The stripper, perhaps offended and perhaps irritated at a loss of tip income, mocks Kevin for "chickening out." Nice. Tony, however, has not chickened out, and he and the stripper are making out by the toilet. No, really. Visual metaphor alert! Moreover, her ass is pixelized again, so I think Tony has the pixelized-ass-makeout record in reality televsion. He also can't put down his beer long enough to participate with both hands, so that's classy. He interviews that "there's nothing wrong with kissing a stripper before you're married." It's only after you're married that you're supposed to lay off the strippers, you see. I'm surprised he didn't argue that he was only making out with her with one hand, and the other one was thinking of Billie Jeanne.
Sunrise in Vegas. Billie Jeanne sits on the windowsill and looks out. There is a knock at the door (as there so often is), and one of her friends is there with breakfast. I have to say, I had an overpriced continental breakfast brought to my room the last day I was at the Aladdin, and it was to die for. If you're ever at the Aladdin, have the continental breakfast brought in one day. It's the best twenty dollars you'll ever spend. The girls, however, are having eggs and sausage and stuff, and it looks kind of greasy. The friend asks if BJ is nervous about getting married. BJ admits to some nerves, but insists she thinks it will work. She goes on about how she knows Tony is a "great guy" who won't ever disappoint her, because he truly cares about her. (Two weeks. Just a reminder. She's known him two weeks.) She tells us in her interview that Tony makes her feel "safe and secure." She tells her friend over breakfast that she can't wait to have her own family so she can give away "all the love [she's] been dying to give." Yeah. You know, it turns out there are reality-show concepts you just shouldn't explore. And if you explore them, there are people you shouldn't involve. They're going to leave marks on this girl. Not pretend TV marks, but real marks. Nice.
Bender and Tony share breakfast as well. Bender talks to Tony about having made out with the stripper, and asks him if he's still up for the getting married. Tony insists that it was just kissing, and Bender basically says, "Whatever." This is quite a riveting conversation. I'm surprised these guys don't have a think tank. "After I walk down the aisle, I won't be kissing any strippers...or anybody else," Tony interviews with a notable lack of sincerity. Bender asks him if he's talked to Billie Jeanne today, and he says no. And then Tony smirks, "She already won the lottery." I hope that's a joke, at least a little. Or, to put it differently, I hope he realizes it's a joke. Or a reference to a different kind of lottery. Like, the Shirley Jackson kind.
At the Kevin breakfast (where he's joined by multiple peeps), his buddy who protected him from the stripper asks Kevin whether he gets butterflies when he thinks about marrying Jill. Kevin says he does. Interesting to contemplate whether those are giggly, excited butterflies or terrified, nauseating butterflies. His other friend asks him whether he and Jill have talked about where they'll live. There is more talk in which it appears that Kevin's friends are trying to get across that they fear that Jill is not necessarily as into Kevin as she is into being on television. Kevin circles back around to Playboy, naming it to his friends as another thing he and Jill will need to work out. Kevin's buddies are, I think, trying hard to be good friends to him, which is practically the least depressing moment of the episode, I guess. "You still got a lot of questions in that head of yours," says a friend of Kevin's who looks spookily like Steve Sanders. "You need to let 'em all out, man," Steve says seriously. "You cannot leave anything left in your mind, any questions." It's funny -- these guys all talk a lot like Kevin does, putting things in slightly strange ways, like, "You cannot leave anything left in your mind." It's like they all speak the same language, and it was created when the language the rest of us speak was left in the sun too long and got a little squishy. Kevin interviews that it all comes down to whether he believes in himself and Jill. He wants to feel confident that Jill is "in it" for the same reasons he is. Again with the "right reasons."
At Jill's Heart-to-Heart Breakfast, she and her sister Jennifer are talking. Jill tells Jennifer that her primary concern is the finances -- Kevin needs to get a job, pronto. She says that she's concerned about whether he can support himself, let alone "in a marriage" (meaning: "keeping me in shoes and implant maintenance"). Jill says she wants to "help him" and "guide him" so that he will have "direction." You know, coming from a girl who prominently lists on her website that her acting progress over the last several years has consisted of moving from her early work as "Fleeing Citizen" in Independence Day (which she spells "Independance Day") to her groundbreaking performance as "Featured Pedestrian" in Made, I'm not sure "direction" is a tremendously meaningful concept. Jill talks to Jennifer about how much she wants to "help" (meaning: "change") Kevin. Jennifer says she's still worried, but she tells Jill basically that she'll try to be less worried. Jill is starting to be my least favorite of all four of these people, just because she's so inordinately pleased with herself.
The plane carries everyone back in the general direction of the Huggy-Boo Ranch. When Billie Jeanne gets back to her humble abode, she greets the horses that apparently live nearby. "Hi, horsies, I'm home," she says, dragging her suitcase behind her. Inside, she goes about the nesting process, tidying up the candles and such. When Tony arrives, she comes in to see him. As she throws herself on him, she says she could tell by the look on his face that he was "exhausted." And "guilty," perhaps, but perhaps not. "I thought I was gonna die," Billie Jeanne says breathlessly as she continues to hang on to Tony and he tries to back away like she has measles. Tony says in an interview that he wasn't "pining" for Billie Jeanne during the trip to Vegas, but that it was "great to see her." Gee, maybe he'll say she's a "terrific gal." That would logically follow in the Lexicon of Damning with Faint Unromantic Praise. Tony starts to tell Billie Jeanne the story of his weekend, and interestingly, he quickly tries to slip the tale of kissing the stripper in there. It's funny, because his official position on that was that there was nothing wrong with it because he's not married yet, but it's obvious from how eager he is to get it said -- that he kissed the stripper -- that he's worried about how Billie Jeanne will react. When he tells her, "One of the strippers kissed me," Billie Jeanne tries to act cool but is clearly unhappy. She interviews that it hurt her that he kissed somebody else while she and Tony were engaged, and that he had better understand that once they're married, there is to be no more making out with strippers. Well, a girl has to have her standards.
Over at the House of Jill and Kevin, they lie on the bed stroking each other's faces and looking deeply into each other's eyes, which strikes me really funny. They're both just so vacant. I mean, what's to look at? Don't you think they're probably looking directly at the back of each other's skulls? Jill interviews that she was panicked to hear that they had to go talk to the panel again, even though it wasn't going to be eliminating anyone. Kevin says that he's been true to himself, and that hasn't done this for any reason other than to find a good match. (Has Kevin mentioned that he is in this for the right reasons?) As we see Jill giving Kevin some kind of weak-ass rubdown, he explains that he has confidence that the relationship between them can grow, and that he hopes Jill sees that, or something. She says she thinks it can work, "but there are some bumps ahead." And what does Jill see as the bumps? I'll let you tell her: "Can Kevin get strong enough to be my husband within a few weeks?" She is seriously so screwy.
At Casa Tony and BJ, she is lighting candles. Because it's almost her new neurosis's birthday! As they loll on the bed, Tony voices over that it's a little weird having strangers judge your relationship. No weirder, I would think, than having America vote your relationship into existence in the first place, but that might just be me. They give each other massages, too. Was that in the instructions or something? Why the spontaneous massaging? In an interview, Billie Jeanne lays it on the line. "Screw it: I'm going to be with Tony, no matter which way." She doesn't care what the panel says! She doesn't care what America says! She doesn't care what that stupid judge says about remaining 150 feet away at all times! She will be with Tony! Sigh.
Our couples head for the Judgment Room. Egghead lectures that although no one will be eliminated this time, this panel is just as important, because this is the conversation that will motivate America's final decision about who is most compatible. What qualifies Egghead to tell them that the rest of us are going to rely on the panel questions to make our decisions, I don't exactly know. (And when I say "us," I mean "people who will vote," which certainly does not include me.) Way to go, Egghead. "Both couples will walk down the aisle, but only one will win the audience's vote as most compatible." You can tell they don't exactly know how they're working the ending yet. If the couple America chooses goes through with getting married, they'll win the big prize with the money and the car and such. Egghead claims that this package is worth $500,000, making it the cheapest reality show ever. I mean, The Amazing Race splits its million two ways, and Big Brother only gives a half-mil to begin with, but this is the first one brazen enough to split its $500,000 two ways. Cheap-ass bastards. ["I think that just makes it the cheapest network reality show, tied with Boot Camp. The winner of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge doesn't get anywhere near that much; ditto famous original Road Rules. But anyway." -- Wing Chun] In asking the couples to be honest, Egghead uses the word "implore" without a hint of irony. I really, really hate him.
"Dr." Jenn starts with Jill and Kevin. She asks them about kids, and how many they want, and it turns out that they are very clear on this point -- they want three. Wow. And then, asked about names, she says they've discussed Tyler, Taylor, Brooke, and Hunter. Well, they certainly have ubiquity going for them. Those will also be great names if they ever want to be either characters or actors on The Bold and the Beautiful. Rather hilariously, Tony looks at Jill and Kevin at this point with an expression that says, "Yeesh." Miss P. takes Kevin back to everyone's favorite subject -- his job. "Who is going to be the breadwinner?" she asks. "There isn't a breadwinner," he says. Frankly, I think that's an incredibly asinine question, and his answer was entirely correct. You don't go into a marriage like, "This person will make money, and that person will stay home." People who think they have the ground rules of their married lives knocked as of the day they get married are, in my opinion, kidding themselves. Jill isn't going to be a hockey stadium chickie forever -- why don't we have to get an answer from Jill about what her long-term career plans are? Why doesn't she have to explain how she's going to support Kevin if her plans to have her own fucking talk show on E! or VH1 don't pan out? It's not like this show reflects the best in sexual politics, but this is particularly annoying -- this insistence that until Kevin has a steady check, he shouldn't get married. I mean, thanks for the Little House On The Prairie flashback, but shut up, panel. It's a shame that Jill sort of seems to agree with them. Kevin talks about how hard it's been for him to switch gears since he got out of baseball, and Miss P. is completely unsympathetic. She returns to "if the rent was due today, who would pay it?" Does it really matter who would pay it? Isn't it more important to ask them as a couple whether they could pay it? I just don't understand this. It's like they're trying to shame Kevin by making him admit that if they get married, Jill might carry a heavier burden of the finances than he would at first. I sort of admire Kevin for refusing to be embarrassed by that bullshit.
The other thing, of course, is that the fact that Kevin doesn't know what he wants to do with his life doesn't mean he couldn't make rent. People do get jobs in order to pay their bills, even if they're still ultimately casting around for something satisfying. "Dr." Jenn asks Jill how she feels about Kevin's search for meaning, and Jill goes into her "I can help him!" routine, talking about how she's "a strong person" and "a go-getter." My eyes are just rolling so hard at this point that I'm about to lose consciousness. Is appearing on this show in a desperate attempt to become famous for anything, anything, ANYTHING -- is that Jill's idea of being "a strong person" and "a go-getter"? Shut up, Jill. She goes on to say that one of Kevin's friends told her that Kevin needs a "strong independent woman" who will "give him direction." Kevin looks ill, like, "Which one of my idiot friends said that?" Non-Doctor Don tries to stir some shit with the asshole question, "Kevin, do you need a strong, independent woman?" Kevin knows that he wants to say yes to the actual question -- yay, strong and independent women -- but he wants to say no to the subtext question, which is whether he's a sissy who needs a woman to beat his ass into shape. So he doesn't know what to say. I hate the panel a LOT. He says, "Sure," but uncomfortably. Non-Doctor Don asks if Jill sometimes overwhelms him. "With?" Kevin asks. Ha! Funny. "Jill," Non-Doctor Don smirks smugly. Kevin treats this like the fuckwit question it is, basically saying that if he likes her, he would logically enjoy her being herself, so asking whether she overwhelms him simply with her existence is rather idiotic. And he's right, certainly. Kevin tries to scrape a good finish together by saying that he's a guy who's never been in love before, and now he's "feeling all these feelings," so they should shut up and stop picking on him. Hee. Seriously, Jill is not good enough for Kevin, who I sort of like after this episode.
The panelists put their little heads together to confer before moving along.
They turn to Tony and Billie Jeanne. "Dr." Jenn talks about how, in a relationship, you get to a point where "the switch happens." As "Dr." Jenn explains it, "the switch" is a moment where you pull back from someone because something about them surprises you unpleasantly. At least I think that's what she's saying. She's hard to understand, because she's an idiot. Also, this "switch" concept seems to be something she came up on with on the Stairmaster the morning they shot this, because she doesn't really seem to have thought the concept through. She appears to be asking Billie Jeanne and Tony whether this has happened to them. Tony explains that as you get to know someone, you usually get to like her either more or less. He says that as he gets to know Billie Jeanne and understands the very difficult story of the way she grew up (in bad circumstances we probably don't want to know about because they would make us hate Fox even more for getting her involved in this situation), he admires her more for getting through it and being such a loving person.
Non-Doctor Don asks Billie Jeanne about trust -- namely, in what ways does she trust Tony, and in what ways does she "have concerns." This is the question where he wants her to talk about the stripper, preferably by saying that that experience made her not trust Tony. She declines. She just says that she trusts him totally about the trip to Vegas and the strippers and stuff. She claims not to care about the kiss with the stripper, which is obviously not true, but she says that as long as he understands that was his last night of that kind of behavior, they'll do just fine. That's it, Billie Jeanne -- put your foot down! Wouldn't want anybody to think you'd put up with any crap. "Dr." Jenn turns to Billie Jeanne. "Do you love Tony?" BJ stammers that she was waiting for the wedding to say it, but yes, she does. "I love you, Tony," she tells him. I need a drink. Okay, I'm back. To his credit (I guess), Tony does not reciprocate. He explains that the relationship is evolving, and that he wants it to continue to evolve. "For me, it just hasn't -- you know, I don't know what it is...needs to click on, if there's something that needs to click on...." Can you believe that? He feels bad that he can't say he loves Billie Jeanne after two freaking weeks. Good grief. He says it hurts him that he can't say it back to her yet. She says with pretend serenity that she doesn't mind, because he can just say it later when he feels it. BJ tells the panel that this does not concern her, because she feels in her heart and her gut that this will work out, so she's not worried about the fact that he won't say he loves her. The panelists put their little heads together again, but they have nothing to say, since they're not eliminating anyone.
Egghead talks more about the premise. Talk, talk, talk. Announcer-Man explains at a first-grade level about our obligation to vote on who has the best shot at a "lasting marriage." Uh, how about NEITHER? That's not one of our options. Can I just call the number and end it with "03" and hope that it will register as "neither"?
week: Well, it's hard to say. It's two hours long, so there will be double the pain. I will need extra tequila. But as for what's going to happen...yeah, hard to say. I mean, we're voting, and yet there are scenes from the "weddings," so apparently the voting only tells who gets the money long after they've decided whether to get married or not? Or something? I don't know. There appears to be some unhappiness, but it's hard to say whose. I do think the girl covering her mouth in horror is Billie Jeanne's friend from breakfast at the Aladdin. And the "you wanted drama, now you've got drama!" looks like it might be directed at Crying Duane.
I cannot tell you how completely I don't care.