Previously on shows carrying a Sex Warning For Nervous Parents And Ambivalent Nielsen Families: Dennis Franz's butt; Alaskan bachelorettes who never actually got naked ever; shirtless guys in their driveways telling the Cops their wives started it; Little Joey Potter's first time.
Announcer-Man: "What if the first face you saw when you woke up in the morning and the last face you saw before you went to bed at night was the face...of a total stranger?" Of course, to most of us, the answer is, "That would mean I should stop drinking Long Island Iced Teas as if they are regular iced teas," but to Announcer-Man, this would mean you were involved in a bold experiment in matrimonial swill...I mean, "bliss." We see the "engagements" of last week again, complete with the Modesty Holes (see? As I said, no good options) through which the rings were given, and Announcer-Man reminds us that five couples have thrown themselves into a bodacious new form of love based on the daring psychological theory of not meeting ahead of time. He explains that now they'll be moving to "a secluded three-hundred-acre estate," where they will, according to the clips shown, make out a lot and, possibly, swear. Announcer-Man says "they must learn to love each other for better or for worse." Married! By! America! Sigh.
It is Day One, 6:25 AM, the morning after the engagements, or so says the Comic Sans font borrowed from The Real World and made smaller. How did Comic Sans become hot on reality TV just this year when it's been old news since about 1995? The sun then rises disturbingly quickly, and I hope that's a time-lapse shot, because if it's not, I need to make a phone call to the people who monitor the rotation of the earth. I did feel a little dizzy yesterday. Our couples are gathering for their trip to the estate, I guess, because Xavier is wheeling a luggage cart out of what I guess is their hotel (thanks for providing none of the necessary background, editing geniuses), while Cortez stands stiffly beside her stuff. And then for a change of pace, it's Stephen with a luggage cart and Denise standing stiffly. They love to mix it up, these Fox creative types. Denise voices over that she was really excited at the thought of actually getting to talk to her fiancé one-on-one. Well, all relationships do have their milestones -- who cares if you take them a little bit out of order? She interviews that it really didn't sink in at first that they were really engaged. As we once again see the moment when the screen was lifted from between them, Stephen explains that when he first saw Denise, he was "obviously pleased" because she's "beautiful," but then he goes on to say that you have a certain picture in your head of what a person will look like, and so no matter what they actually look like, you're "in shock." In other words, "The dress made her look kind of chunky."
Now we see Matt disembark from a white SUV, and then we see last week's moment of truth between him and Cortez again. He talks about how, in a situation like that, you worry both about how you'll react to the other person and how they'll react to you. You know how it is in these situations, with the national audience and the engagement ring and everything. Matt explains that as the screen rose and he saw her feet and her legs, he realized she was, as he puts it, "not ugly, probably." It occurs to me that there are probably at least a few women in the world with nice feet and legs and ugly faces, but apparently, Matt doesn't know any of them. I suppose it's safe to say that even to the degree such women exist, Fox would never put them on television.
Billie Jeanne waits for Tony, who drives up as we see their screen-raising, and she voices over that she was just so excited when she met him. She says she couldn't wait to see him again. That's all we get of them for the moment. Probably everything else that occurs before they jump into the car isn't palatable to the network, even for a show carrying a Sex Warning. They're about good taste on Fox, you know.
Xavier and Jennifer's screen-raising. Again. She says that she was totally shocked when she saw him, because you have an idea of what the person will look like. It's basically the same thing Stephen said, and I again think it's code for the fact that he wasn't really what she was looking for at first glance. He does have that sort of really unsubtle male-model look, so that may be part of what her reaction was about. I will admit to having sometimes crinkled up my nose and said, "Ech, he's too pretty," so I totally hear Jennifer.
Kevin straps himself into the SUV as Jill voices over about how beautiful he was. "He looked good," she says as we see their screen-raising. "It's a great feeling to say, 'I have a fiancé,'" she says. Of course, she could say "I have a fiancé" any time she wanted, as could any of us. The saying it wouldn't seem to me to be the really fun part, but I've been known to be a stick in the mud about these things. At any rate, Jill certainly is getting into the spirit of things, no matter how dark, slimy, and many-tentacled that spirit may be. Kevin swings by in the black SUV and picks Jill up, probably finding her by using the powerful tracking beams put out by her enormous shiny teeth. "Hello, stranger," he says incredibly humorously as they hug. Get it? "Stranger"? Because they got engaged, but they didn't...oh, never mind.
Jennifer goes to put her bag in Xavier's SUV. They exchange a little hug. "Good to see you. You look beautiful," he says. Stephen and Denise go for the little cheek-kiss and polite hug. Tony and Billie Jeanne give a little smooch on the mouth. Matt and Cortez hug in an obligatory fashion, like he once saved her from choking with an anonymous Heimlich and she's just now getting to thank him. Various SUV doors are closed, and it's time to start the trip. Aw, people taking off in network-owned vehicles for parts unknown. That makes me so nostalgic.
"HOUR 1," says the caption at the bottom of the screen. Tony voices over that when he and Billie Jeanne opened their package in the SUV, it was their itinerary and map. It told them to drive along the Pacific Coast Highway, which was cool with him because it's such a pretty drive. Whatever, California, whatever whatever. California, to me, is a big blur of sand and pools and people with caps and that really big artichoke, but I suppose I'm somewhat uncultured. We see them chattering away in the SUV with Tony's hand parked on Billie Jeanne's lap out of view. He tells her that he was told before they met that she was "really hot," and that she was "a handful." Billie Jeanne interviews that at first she was nervous, but the more they rode and yapped, the more she wanted to rip his clothes off. Oh, no -- she says it turned out they had a lot in common. Well, like wanting to rip each other's clothes off, probably. She tells him in the SUV that he's a "sweetheart," and then he voices over that they got more comfortable together, with the hand on the knee and all. This looks very awkward, because he's reaching over this enormous island that's between their seats to put his hand on her leg, so it looks like he's doing something medical, like taking her pulse or checking her for ticks. (Wouldn't be a bad idea.) Billie Jeanne comments that Tony's hands are small, and hers are too, and he says, "Well, my grandfather always said to marry a girl with small hands." She waits the requisite moment and says, "Why's that?" "Makes your penis look bigger," he says. It is at times like this that I'm so grateful that Chi-Chi's markets a bottled margarita with the tequila already in it, for emergencies when I can't get lime juice.
In the Stephen/Denise SUV, they're looking at the map. She has her sunglasses on top of her head -- one of the international signs of the dweeb -- and she comments that she doesn't "do maps very well." Ah, yes, learned helplessness -- the world's foremost aphrodisiac. The music grinds, and the caption tells us that it's now "HOUR 2." Denise interviews that there was a lot she wanted to know about Stephen, since she hadn't ever met him and they were planning on getting married and everything. In the SUV, she asks him whether he's ever been engaged before, or been close to it. He says that he's never been engaged, but he's been close. Stephen now interviews that he "couldn't help sort of zoning out," because he got distracted by thinking about whether this was really happening, and whether he had actually proposed marriage to a girl he doesn't know. Back on the road, Denise asks him whether he's nervous, and he says, "Of course." He calls the situation "surreal," and interviews that it's "really just sinking in."
Jill and Kevin hurtle down the highway, and she's the first of the women who's been seen driving. She's also got her hand stretched across the island of isolation into Kevin's lap, where he's sort of tracing little curly patterns on her palm. Whatever. He tells her to just smack him if he does anything annoying, and she assures him that she will. They banter. "Don't touch me," she says. They laugh, because that is hilarious. Deeply, deeply hilarious. Jill interviews that they have "just bonded," and she is "in shock" at the thought that this might actually turn out to be a good idea. Apparently, when she agreed to marry Kevin, she never expected to like him. Wow, lucky!
And now to Jennifer and Xavier (or "Freedomy," tm lawtalkin' guy). She comments on the beautiful landscape, and Xavier tells her he thinks she's beautiful. She blows him off. Charming. He interviews that he's trying to make her feel comfortable in this "awkward situation," and then he and Jennifer discuss the fact that they're both control freaks. Well, that'll work well. Xavier voices over that he doesn't want Jennifer to get the impression that all he wants is to "get in her pants," because that's not his deal at all. What he wants to do is marry her, and then get in her pants. Because he totally respects her as a person and as a reality-show contestant. Or "prize," or whatever she is. "I don't really care about [getting in her pants]," he says. "Well -- I do, but I don't." Heh.
It isn't until "HOUR 3" that we fasten our attention on Matt and Cortez. He comments that "the show is already set up for, like, you know, male and female gender roles. Like, I had to drive." She remarks that they were told they could share the driving (see Jill, above), but I think Matt's referring to the fact that in every case, the guys were given the keys and went to pick up the girls, so the guys started the driving every time. And he's right about that. He says it's good that they can share the driving, but then he says, "But I don't trust women drivers." Hee. He immediately laughs and says he's kidding, and I actually did think that was kind of funny. Unfortunately, Cortez voices over that something was immediately wrong, because there was "no chemistry." She says that she "didn't feel the attraction [she] needed to feel for a husband." You know, I've always heard people say that there are certain arguments in favor of meeting someone before you agree to marry them -- I wonder if this is one of them. Even worse, he asks her in the SUV what kind of guy she normally dates, and she says, "Definitely, the abusers." He points out that this will be a problem, because he doesn't generally believe in "treating people like shit." She responds, "There's a balance." I'm sorry, "a balance"? There's a certain amount of being treated like shit that he's going to have to muster in order for her to...oh, what's the use? I'm only going to wind up hitting myself in the head with a hammer.
In "HOUR 4," Billie Jeanne asks Tony what kinds of movies he likes, and he says, "Porn." "Me too," she says. You know, in a sense, this really is a match made in heaven. But it's the part of heaven where the topless clubs and adult bookstores are. In their car, Stephen asks Denise about the fact that she's been to some strip clubs. "Let's talk about that," he says. In Jennifer and Xavier's SUV, he tells her he doesn't want her to get cranky, so they can stop whenever she wants. She says she only gets cranky when she's "tired or hungry," but now she's "hungry and tired," so it's "the verge of disaster." He interviews that Jennifer is "a pretty complex person." Ah, yes, the idea that "standoffish" is inherently more complex than "pleasant" -- a very widely held but completely false belief, I might add. Elsewhere, Kevin and Jill share a chocolate bar and fondle each other's arms while she's driving. Eyes on the road, there, kids.
Matt and Cortez. He asks her whether she thinks that, as a general rule, people should be in love when they get married. "Yes," she says. "Because I love you, I do," he deadpans, and she cracks up. And they laugh. See, she will never be attracted to him now, because she likes him and he makes her feel comfortable, so she's never going to feel the fundamental insecurity that is necessary for her to feel the high drama that she clearly associates with attraction. A chick who defines her favorite kind of boyfriend as "abuser" is hardly going to consider it sexy when you make her laugh. Matt comments in an interview that it was actually kind of fun, like a "first date," and then he spotted her hand, and saw the ring, and remembered that he was supposed to be engaged to her. Yeah, that'll put a damper on a date. We see Matt and Cortez pull up at an overlook to view the sunset, and he voices over that it was very weird, because there they were, looking at the sunset, and they didn't know whether they should put their arms around each other, or hold hands, or what. He says it yanked him back to the reality that he doesn't actually know Cortez, and that most people wouldn't be engaged to someone unless he knew her just a little better than this. Yeah, good call, there, Matt. Cortez voices over that she still doesn't feel "chemistry" with Matt, and while it might develop, she doesn't feel it yet. She says that she has to "go past the personality" and see if they have chemistry. Or something. It doesn't seem to me that Cortez has been particularly fixated on his personality up to this point, but whatever. The sun sets unromantically.
Comic Sans Rip-off Font tells us that we are at Copper North Ranch, where night is falling. Egghead -- unfortunately not left behind on the Preoperational Stage -- is awaiting the couples' arrival. Matt and Cortez are the first to get there. As they get out, Egghead calls over to Matt, going, "Buddy!" like they're old friends. Man, Peachy's kind of cheesy, and Peachy doesn't do that. Phil wouldn't even consider that. Shut up, Egghead. Egghead asks them how the ride up was, and they lie that it was "good." , Jill and Kevin arrive, pink with the blush of love, or hormonal surges, or whatever. Egghead greets them, and then we see Tony and Billie Jeanne show up. Her shirt is probably on inside out, but no matter. , it's Jennifer and Xavier -- in their identical denim jackets -- and finally Stephen and Denise. Egghead gathers the couples for a little talk. I'm sure they're so grateful for his guidance. He breaks the news that not all of them will leave together as couples. Some of them will gradually be picked off and their engagements ended. So remember when they talked about marrying five couples, and about how all the engagements were "real engagements," and about how each of these people was the "future wife" or "future husband" of so-and-so? Yeah, none of that was true. It's kind of like if they told you originally that all the people on Survivor were getting a million dollars, and it wasn't until halfway through the show that you found out it would just be the one person. Anyway, Egghead tells them to go inside and get warmed up for the nightmares to come.
Boring exterior shots of Copper North Ranch pay the bill for use of the place, I suppose, and then finally, we get inside. They all see their rooms, and they're all really nice, so it's a lot like the first episode of The Real World always is, where they run around and play with the fish and the IKEA lamps and the book called Questions Intended To Start Fights. Jill talks about how great the place is, with the wine and the nice rooms and all. In Stephen and Denise's room, they pick up an invitation to a whale-watching outing the day. As it turns out, each of the couples has been given the opportunity for some kind of little trip, probably because otherwise, they would have to sit around and talk to each other, and that's the last thing you want to do with someone you're going to marry. Tony and Billie Jeanne are invited to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk, Jill and Kevin have been offered mountain biking, and although they don't tell you this right now, Xavier and Jennifer are going rodeo-ing and Matt and Cortez are going on a kayak trip. Whee! Yeah, pretty damn boring, the dates.
"Sleeping arrangements are at your discretion." Thus begins the elbow-elbow giggle-giggle portion of the program that you knew was coming. These people have, of course, already agreed to get married, but there is all the necessary courtesy as to the shyness they might feel about sharing sleeping space. Pardon me if the purpose of shyness escapes me in a case in which you've already agreed to spend the rest of your life with the person. I mean, isn't that closing the barn door after the horse is married? Or naked? Or something?
Billie Jeanne and Tony find that their room has abundant booze in it, so instead of talking or anything boring like that, they decide to get drunk. Yeah, okay, that's actually fairly logical. We see them doing some fairly dopey flirting, and then Tony remarks as follows: "When I'm with Billie Jeanne, it's kind of like I'm with my fifth-grade girlfriend." Zoiks. He goes on to explain that what he means by this is that they just run around and have a great time together, and they're not really thinking about anything. They certainly fit right in on the Fox schedule, I have to say. We cut to a shot of them lying on the bed together, with him staring into her eyes in what is meant to be a meaningful way. It's one of those things where she's thinking about love, and he's thinking about how hot she is. Very romantic.
And now, Matt and Cortez are having dinner in their room. And what are they discussing? Bad ways to die. No, really. They're discussing bad ways to die. They've gone right past "bad date" to "sketch comedy parody of bad date." Matt is saying that he thinks drowning would be kind of awful, but Cortez thinks being shot would be worse, because you would feel the whole thing. Asked what else she thinks would be worse than drowning, Cortez offers up the concept of being burned alive. And then she pauses. "What do you think the other couples are doing?" she asks. HA! That was kind of funny.
In happier locations within the Huggy-Boo Ranch, Jill and Kevin are jumping on the bed, in matching jeans-and-black-tops outfits. Then we see them frolic in their room, wrestling and throwing each other down on the bed and such. In an interview, Jill grins, "Right now, I'm thinking...this is good." Back in the room, she requests that Kevin display his butt for her, so he flips up the back of his shirt obligingly. She interviews that Kevin "has what it takes to be [her] man." Well, Sheryl Crow will be very relieved.
Things with Stephen and Denise are a mite more complicated. She seems fairly happy and enthused, but Stephen is evidently having a Category 5 Hurricane of Buyer's Remorse. He explains that when he looks at Denise's ring, he can't help having a rather "intense feeling" over the fact that they've made this "commitment." Yes, that is an intense feeling, Stephen. It's called bone-deep panic, and you should never ignore it. Back in the hotel room, Stephen stares miserably at his plate while Denise chatters happily. She talks about how she spends a lot of time by herself, and Stephen firmly endorses spending lots of time apart. Man, this guy couldn't communicate his instinct to call a halt any more clearly if he held up an actual stop sign purloined from a street corner. In an interview, Stephen says, "Am I enjoying being engaged? Sometimes yes, sometimes no." Denise, on the other hand, is seen gazing at him happily from the couch. Because she doesn't get it. At all.
In Xavier and Jennifer's room, he's lighting the fire in the fireplace while she looks on in a bored manner. He interviews that he wants to make a good impression on her, and then we see him -- in a way that's actually pretty funny -- say "I just created fire!" as the fireplace finally kicks in. See, that would make me laugh. Jennifer, on the other hand, acts bored, and complains that the fire is "noisy." With the popping, I guess. When they have dinner, we see her mutter, "You eat like a European." I wonder what that means. Well, I do if you consider the definition of "wonder" to be "do not know, and do not give a crap."
In Matt and Cortez's room, they're discussing the kayaking outing they've been offered for the day. Matt seems to be expressing some doubts about the appeal of the freezing water at 7:30 AM, but Cortez is sure to want to go, considering that the alternative is to stay home and talk. Matt interviews that getting ready for bed was awkward, because he wasn't sure what to suggest. He wasn't sure whether to give her a hug, or give her a kiss, or sleep close to her, or whatever. We see them sprawled sideways on the bed, with their feet facing in opposite directions, as he mutters, "America's most exciting couple." See, that would make me laugh, too. "Maybe we can play some solitaire later," he continues, "and really spice things up." This finally makes Cortez laugh, but she totally misses the boat, because there's an opportunity here for her to find significant charm in his morbid attempts to bond over how stupid the situation is, and she doesn't. He interviews that he was trying to make her feel comfortable. Of course, she's not trying to be comfortable in return, so that's not going to work very well.
And we're back to the room of Stephen and Denise, where they're discussing the sleeping arrangements. She offers to take the couch, but then he offers to take the couch, and then she protests, and then finally, mercifully, we get out of that scene.
It's over to Jennifer and Xavier's room, where she voices over that as far as physical attraction, she thinks he's really good-looking, but she doesn't know if she's attracted to him yet. See, I again would argue that she thinks he's too pretty. Back in their room, he talks about the options for sleeping arrangements. Somebody can sleep on the bed and somebody can sleep on the couch. Or, he suggests, they can both sleep on the couch. Heh. "Or you can sleep in the closet, and I can sleep on top of the armoire." See, that's cute! He's mocking the dumb situation, too! She should laugh! Why doesn't she laugh? The women on this show suck. The trick here would be to try to get yourself and the guy on the same side against the stupidity of the situation, because that's how you could actually do this and have a good time. "Or," Xavier says to Jennifer's unfriendly face, "we can just not sleep at all."
Over at Jill and Kevin's, though, everything is hunky-dory -- and Kevin is the "hunky," of course. They lie on the bed, not really having too intense a debate about sleeping arrangements because they're too busy making googly eyes at each other. She says he's very sensitive and affectionate, and he says, over a shot of him walking around the room in his underwear, that he's "not shy." Night-vision shots show them lying on the bed snuggling, and she voices over that this point was when they had their first kiss. We see them kiss. I have to say that I really, really hate it when reality shows have the people voice over everything they're doing while they're doing it. Or, in this case, while they're Doing It. I am, after all, smart enough to notice that they're making out. I think the idea that you can watch people rolling around on a bed and not know what they're doing is a fantasy reserved for people who think they're hoodwinking their college roommates.
Back in the Den of Jennifer's Unamusement, she says they can both sleep in the bed, because it doesn't matter, because she's so cold that nothing will happen anyway. The last part of this comment, of course, is subtext. Xavier interviews that Jennifer seems to want to keep her distance, which is fine with him, given the weird situation they're in. Night-vision cameras show Jennifer lying in bed, saying, "This is all fucked up." "Is it?" Xavier asks. "This is so fucked up," she repeats. "You signed up for it, though," he tells her gently. "What the fuck did I sign up for?" she whines. Xavier gets into bed, but keeps his distance. He appears, among other things, to be the world's most restless sleeper, not to mention a one-leg-outside-the-covers guy. I'm not sure it's a peaceful night for our friend Freedomy.
Billie Jeanne emerges from the bathroom in a short pink satin number that should be good and comfy for the eight seconds she intends to continue wearing it. She interviews that it was "natural" that she and Tony share the bed, because she felt like they "really got to know each other" during the car trip. Well, once you've shared your affinity for porn, the rest really does fall into place. Billie Jeanne gets into bed with Tony, and they roll around for a while, and Tony talks about how well she fits in his arms (feh). She interviews that they were in the middle of this "hot and heavy" makeout session when Tony suddenly hopped out of bed and skittered into the bathroom. She says that he was "excited," and "something happened," and it's "very personal." It is at moments like this that I'm glad that even if a margarita already has the tequila in it, you can always add more. As to Tony's "excitement," I think they actually might have pixelized the evidence of said excitement, if you get my drift, which I think has to be a new frontier in reality-show pixelizing. She follows him into the bathroom, and then there's a lot of panting through the closed door, and then Tony interviews that he's not going to tell what they were doing in the bathroom, besides "fooling around." I love it when people are cagey like that. Like there's all this suspense -- maybe they were studying! Or writing a novel! Billie Jeanne interviews that she's not used to having "feelings like this" so quickly (like open air on her naked ass, I suppose), and she can't believe that the person they gave her feels like someone she's known all her life. Isn't that sweet? And creepy? More panting.
Morning comes, and we see the beautiful waters of California, followed by the dank and desperate hole of pain as the couples begin to wake up. Jill and Kevin seem to be cuddling happily, and Jennifer and Xavier enthusiastically open the curtains so that they can shed a little light on their dark, miserable lives. Matt brushes his teeth while Cortez eats breakfast (see how they work at cross-purposes?), and Billie Jeanne climbs all over Tony and munches on his ear. Mmm, tastes like chicken. Well, chicken-flavored dimwit, at least. Stephen and Denise share the bathroom mirror. Jill explains that she woke up not sure where she was, but when she rolled over and saw Kevin, it made everything all right. In an interview, Kevin says that he feels comfortable around Jill, which is a good thing, because we see him show his naked ass to her as he gets into the shower. "His ass looked good!" Jill says enthusiastically in an interview, and then she seems to think she has to make it more classy, so she quickly says, "His butt looked good." Well, it's a good thing she did that, because otherwise, this whole thing might look tacky. I'm sure her grandmother appreciated the edit.
Matt explains that he was pretty uneasy when he and Cortez went to bed the night before, not least because she arranged a row of pillows between them, apparently for the purpose of protecting herself against any midnight sex attacks. Matt says Cortez made it clear that she wanted her own space, and that he should stay away. "I didn't want to be cuddled up, because I just met him," Cortez interviews in a clipped, snippy fashion. I am really, really beginning to dislike her a lot. If you're going to do a silly thing like this, you can't then turn around and act put out about it. I cannot stand people who do this -- they put themselves into a particular kind of relationship with another person, and then they bitch about it endlessly, as if they don't want to be there. It's the same thing Jennifer is doing, essentially -- acting like she wants to be convinced or wooed or something, or like the guy owes her. Bluntly put, Cortez decided to do this, so why is she being such a bitch?
Speaking of Jennifer: in her room, Xavier tells her that he didn't sleep at all. She complains in an interview that the situation was "awkward." There are those of us, of course, who might have predicted awkwardness, given the premise, but apparently we would not make good reality-show contestants. Xavier voices over that they didn't get much of a chance to get to know each other, but he hopes that the date they're going on today will help them get better acquainted.
Tony and Billie Jeanne leave for their date, and I have to say that if I looked like Billie Jeanne, I would dress like she does for this date. She's got a little black top and a little plaid skirt, so it's kicky without being too skanky. In Denise and Stephen's SUV (suddenly someone else is driving), she leans her head on his shoulder, and he sits stiffly and unresponsively. He voices over that he's excited about the whale-watching and "can't wait to get on the boat." He says he's never seen a whale. There's no mention of being excited about Denise. We see Stephen and Denise out on the water on the boat, looking at a whale. I am highly amused that the name of the boat is "Magnum Force." It's like subliminal porn or something. Stephen explains in an interview that they're getting a little more affectionate as the day goes on. He says that "the walls are starting to come down," and we do see them on the boat in a shot where he at least has his arm around her. Denise -- again with the sunglasses on her head -- interviews with a smile that they've "kissed, but not kissed kissed." Well, how convenient, because I'm sleeping through their dates. Well, not sleeping sleeping, but sleeping. Denise insists that they're "waiting for the right time" for the first big smooch. I am dubious. But they do at least seem to be able to sit comfortably together on the boat without Stephen's completely wigging out. I suppose that's progress.
Speaking of wigging out, here are Matt and Cortez preparing for their kayaking adventure. She interviews that it still feels "like a vacation with a stranger." He voices over that they actually seem to be backsliding so that they're less comfortable together than before. He remarks that this would feel like your "relationship is falling apart," except that it occurs to him that they don't have a relationship. How did a guy this relatively normal wind up on this show, anyway? Matt and Cortez take off in their kayaks. Because life preservers are hot.
Back at the Huggy-Boo Ranch, Jill and Kevin have decided to blow off their outing and stay in bed -- or, really, "on bed" -- all day. They're wearing coordinating neutral-shade sweaters as they loll about blissfully like they're being published in the adult version of the L.L. Bean catalog. As Kevin lies on top of Jill, she says mock-indignantly, "Don't touch my breasts! That means, 'Touch my breasts!'" I'm sorry, what? They laugh, because I guess that's really funny or something. They pillow-fight, they roll around, they fall down on the bed together -- it's relatively healthy, I guess, for this stage of the game. Jill declares to Kevin that every day has to start like this, and then he kneels over her with his crotch over her face, and one gets the idea that he's got a thought regarding how every day has to start as well. Jill and Kevin discuss in interviews the fact that mountain biking was a distant second behind another day of canoodling. Why bike when you can roll around in your sweater with someone cute? For once, two people on this show have said something I can heartily endorse. We switch to Jill kneeling over Kevin on the bed, having shucked her sweater so she's in just her skimpy top, and he says with great class, "Your headlights are on." Jill comments that her nipples are cold. I'm sorry, where did I put that tequila? Anyway, they're having loads of fun. Look, it's Jill's tongue! Jill's tongue is certainly having loads of fun.
Xavier and Jennifer ride horses together. He explains that this gave him a much better chance to get to know her. He seems to be looking for the positive qualities in this woman who basically seems to be really chilly. She interviews that Xavier is "much more of a touchy-feely person" than she is, so that made her feel squicky. Whatever. If you aren't prepared to have the guy cuddle you at all, you really shouldn't take the freakin' engagement ring, although maybe that's just me.
Tony and Billie Jeanne are at the boardwalk. Billie Jeanne is all excited, because this was the perfect place for them, given that they're "kids at heart." Then Tony goes through an extremely extended and tortured explanation of why their relationship is like the roller coaster they rode at the boardwalk. Please, I really don't have the constitution to recap it in full, but suffice it to say, there is speed and vomiting. Blah dee blah "nonstop thrill ride." Billie Jeanne explains how you can tell she really feels ready to "let someone in," because she let go at the top of the roller coaster. How meaningful. I can't wait to hear how the Ferris Wheel relates to her sexual awakening.
Matt and Cortez go kayaking. Cortez snots in an interview that she "can't make chemistry show up." She reiterates that although Matt is a "great guy," she doesn't have "the chemistry" yet. I have to say that while I get her general point that there's a certain unspecified quality that your relationship with someone has to have in order for you to want to marry him, I also think it's possible to get overly focused on this "magical" "chemistry" "feel the thing" bullshit to the point where you don't even let anything develop. I just don't like her attitude. Shut up, Cortez.
Evening comes, post-dates, and Matt and Cortez are in their room. He's still trying to cheer her up, and tells her that he thinks they should invent another couple to be their imaginary friends. He tells her that, for instance, they could assume they're having dinner tonight with the Swensons -- "Gil and Susan." Hee. Cortez doesn't give Matt the laugh, which is just not fair. Give him the laugh! He deserves it. He interviews, nevertheless, that Cortez is opening up as the day goes along, and that the day had been "rough for her." Matt remarks that as they relaxed in their room, he had a glass of wine, which she took from him and chugged. It made him feel like she was loosening up a little. I think it would make me think she was desperate for the distraction of intoxication, but I suppose it could be either. They leave for dinner.
At Tony and Billie Jeanne's dinner, she's working the full-on '80s feathered hair that makes her look like a Whitesnake groupie. They stare at each other, and she tells him that she could move to California so they could be together foreeeever. A momentary flicker of panic goes across Tony's face as he realizes that she actually intends for them to get married. I don't think that this has occurred to Tony until this very moment. "If you want to move here, that'd be fabulous," he says noncommittally. Billie Jeanne says she'd move to California "in a heartbeat." She interviews that they had a talk about where they wanted to live, and then we see her tell Tony that "all these amazing things are happening!" He says, "It's happening fast, too." Translation: "Slow down, sister. Don't take that diamond ring too much to heart." Tony is a lone wolf. Tony is a ramblin' boy. Tony doesn't know how Billie Jeanne can believe him when he says he loves when she knows he's been a liar all his life, and so forth.
Matt and Cortez sit together somewhere under a blanket, talking. "So you don't really trust me yet," he says. She insists that she does trust him, but she doesn't want to hurt him. Ech. She starts to talk about why she hasn't touched him or anything, and then we go to an interview in which she sobs miserably about how she isn't a phony person, so she can't pretend to have feelings she doesn't have -- she's all about genuineness, despite the fact that she offered to have her future spouse determined by popular phone-in vote. "I don't think it should be something that's pushed on you, or 'hopefully you'll find it or make it work.' You shouldn't have to make a relationship work -- either it does or it doesn't." See? Cortez is looking to be struck by lightning and then live out the rest of her life in bliss. And she came on this show because she thought it might be the lightning strike, instead of realizing that it was going to be one more way to meet a person, of the many ways that there are. I certainly believe you can meet people you like in very unlikely ways, and there's no reason you couldn't meet them this way. But it occurs to me that her expectations were just a tiny bit inconsistent with the nature of the enterprise. "You're dealing with people's emotions and feelings, and they're hard," she sniffles. I just really don't understand why a girl who's this sentimental about her feelings and about finding her true love would go on the damn show in the first place. Cortez is a goof. And I have to stop thinking so hard.
Xavier and Jennifer get back to their room after dinner, and he remarks that there's some champagne and more food, but she says in her clipped way that she's not interested, because she's tired. They get ready for bed, and she interviews that she's someone of whom other people always say has "the wall up." She says she can't walk into this situation and "be any different" than she always has been. Oh, I hate that. I hate that, hate that, hate that. It's the "I'm inaccessible, you'll have to beg me to let you get near me, I take pride in being hard to like" thing. I hate that so much. I mean, I understand her strategy exactly -- she thinks that by making herself really hard to like, she'll weed out the unworthy, because only the truly devoted will bother to knock down "the wall." Of course, it always turns out that you actually wind up weeding out the worthy, because the genuinely worthy don't put up with that kind of bullshit after the age of about twenty, so it's sort of a counterproductive strategy, but whatever. At any rate, Jennifer and Xavier go to bed. At some point during the night, the night-vision camera shows him rolling over and putting his arms around her. "No cuddling tonight," she says flatly. He doesn't move. "Seriously," she says. Now he rolls over away from her. "Sorry," he says. Bleh, that was unhappy. Xavier interviews that he's a little confused as to what exactly is going on with her. Who knew he would turn out to be the decent person in this pair?
Stephen and Denise sit together by the fire, him with his eyes closed and her with her head on his chest. She voices over that he's gradually feeling more comfortable with her physically affectionate ways -- she's one of those girls who always has to have her hand on something in some kind of possessive posture, I think. She interviews that it would be fine with her if he wanted to sleep in the bed with her, because they're adults, and it's fine, and whatever. Denise pushes her luck on the couch, giving Stephen a little kiss and then sitting up to look down at his face like she's waiting for a big romantic moment, which of course ruins whatever romance was percolating. With the moment blown, Stephen gets up and leaves. She remarks in the interview that when he stiffens up and acts weirded out when she tries to snuggle with him, it makes her feel "sad." "I just wanted him to kiss me, and he hasn't," she says simply. You may be tempted to pause and appreciate this universal moment of truth (because how much of life's pain is, roughly translated, "I just wanted him to kiss me, and he hasn't"?), but don't forget to laugh at the way she looks up at the sky during the interview, dabs her eyes, and rasps, "Can I have a tissue?" Because it's really funny.
As they pull back and get a shot of the ranch, I have two things to say. First of all, I used to watch soaps quite a bit in my youth, and as soon as I saw this shot, a bizarre little recollection bubbled up from the bottom of my brain and said the following: "This is where they shot Cruz and Eden's wedding on Santa Barbara." And then I looked, and Google has no record of any such thing as "Copper North Ranch." So I'm very intrigued, because I swear, those three arches are where they faded out on that damn wedding, which I only remember because they put a quote up on the screen that said, "In dreams and in love, there are no impossibilities," which at the time I thought was very deep, because I was seventeen. So first of all, I think the Copper North Ranch is phony, and second of all, I'm thinking I saw whatever it really is fifteen years ago and somehow stored it until now. My failure to clean out things like my recollection of the place where Cruz and Eden got married is why I never have room to remember where my keys are.
Now, just in case the participants aren't freaked enough by the premise, each couple receives a note from the show that it's time to start planning their wedding. Their first task is to list the twenty people each they would want to invite. Matt receives the invitation with his now-typical sarcasm -- "Well, of course, after Day 3, clearly." Stephen and Denise respond with vague amusement and discomfort, while Jill and Kevin seem to continue in giddiness. Jennifer is fretting over the number -- "There's no way I can do twenty people; I can't even invite my immediate friends, even if I just kill my family out of it." She sure is an appealing and warm individual. It's easy to believe she could have more than twenty "immediate friends." Tony tells Billie Jeanne he doesn't have twenty friends. I secretly suspect he screwed his way through his female friends and never called them again, and guys won't hang out with them because he hits on their girlfriends. Billie Jeanne tells him that she'll find some for him.
Jill tells Kevin that "Jennifer" (no, not that Jennifer) will be her maid of honor. Xavier puts down that "Dominic" will be his best man -- apparently, they have a long-standing arrangement on this point. Stephen unhappily lists off family members to invite. We then see someone's list being made, and it ends with "Marty Fedenko," "Randall," "Grandma Lita," "Bryan 'Crazy' in Atlanta," and "Dr. Work." No, really. It says, "Dr. Work." The hell? Apparently, whoever's list this is, he or she is inviting no one to their wedding except villains from Marvel Comics. Now we see Cortez saying to Matt, with an eerily placid smile, "You know, I sit around and think about this all the time." Yep, she makes more and more sense to me. Has her guest list planned, probably knows what music she wants...and what kind of guy does she like? "Abusers." Way to concentrate on working out the right part of the equation, dearie. Matt is seen working on their list, and then Cortez comments that it was a bit freaky for both of them. Matt comments that Cortez does seem to be holding back, but he thinks that's because "she's not expecting to be here for the long run." Amen to that. At least the boy is perceptive. He should give clue lessons to Denise.
In Xavier and Jennifer's room, they sit at the table as she voices over that they're "building a very good friendship." Then she talks about becoming aware of a pending elimination from the show, and that this made her nervous. Billie Jeanne, in turn, calls the process "very scary" and "very emotional." Denise says that she, too, was nervous, because she and Stephen thought they might be the ones eliminated. The half-moon stares down at us in judgment. Stop staring, half-moon. I feel bad enough already.
The couples walk -- slowly, of course, in keeping with the show's format -- toward the Judgment Room, where something very serious will happen, based on the music. As they arrive, Egghead intones, "Well, you're all deep into this now." He recaps the situation, for anyone who hasn't seen any of the show up until this very moment. He tells them that they have to ask themselves honestly if they're doing everything they can to make the relationship work, because if they're not, perhaps they should call it off. Or something. It's very confusing, the way he makes it sound like the couples have to be introspective, when of course, what's coming is external judgment. Egghead says that the three-member assembled panel will determine "who's putting the most effort in," and those people will get to stay, and somebody will have to leave. They really do seem to be spontaneously making this up, because it's not at all clear whether they're going to be eliminated for pure incompatibility, or for lack of effort, or what. Of course, here, being "eliminated" means, as Egghead puts it, being "asked to end your engagement." Which the show can't really do. I mean, they don't really have the power to end your relationship if you wanted to stay engaged, which takes some of the punch out of the suspense.
And who is on this distinguished panel? Dr. Jenn Berman, a "marriage and family therapist." Someone named "Ms. P.," who's apparently legendary in California (?) as a neighborhood buttinsky. At least that's the implication. She's a mother and grandmother, and God knows no one's mother or grandmother has ever given bad relationship advice, so that seems like a safe person for the panel. Finally, we have Don Elium, who's a marriage and family counselor. Incidentally, Google tells me that Don specializes in post-traumatic stress. Heh. He's also a practitioner of something called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Dr. Jenn's doctorate is from something called the "California Graduate Institute," which has apparently historically been part of California's famous system of nonaccredited but state-approved graduate schools. (They do the same thing with law school, incidentally -- let people who attend nonaccredited schools sit for the professional exams.) Dr. Jenn is also a sports psychologist, as it turns out, and draws on her own experience as an elite rhythmic gymnast. Yes, that's right -- Dr. Jenn spun the ribbon. Wooooo! As for Ms. P., I know nothing. The Fox web site names her "Miss P.," so I'm not sure which it is. Either way, I have no background info to offer on Miss P.
Okay, so Egghead tells the couples that the panel has secretly been watching them all week. Oh, good. Just like on What Not To Wear where they tell the poor makeover victim that they've secretly hidden cameras behind the flour canister in the kitchen, the better to point out that you look like crap in those sweatpants and that "Fort Lauderdale '93" t-shirt you were wearing when you cleaned the oven. Now, the panel will ask some questions before they decide whom to boot. "Doctor" Jenn starts with Stephen and Denise. She asks Stephen about the fact that although he and Denise look like a good match on paper, he recoils with disgust whenever Denise touches him. What's up with that? He says that "it's still a bit awkward," and that he's hoping he and Denise can let things "follow a natural path." Well, he's sure off to a good start if he's looking for a natural path -- yes, sirree. Denise says with her trademark agreeable grin that Stephen just isn't ready to cuddle with her yet. Miss P. asks Stephen if he's attracted to Denise, and he says he is. Non-Doctor Don asks Denise if she's frustrated with Stephen's failure to snuggle, and she admits that she is. Stephen looks forward grimly. Ow.
"Doctor" Jenn moves on to Jennifer and Xavier. She says that the panel has noticed that when Xavier put his arm around Jennifer in bed, she acted sort of horrified. Jennifer points out that this occurred in the middle of the night. "I really like my sleep," she explains blankly. It's official -- Jennifer has no personality. Non-Doctor Don asks Xavier about the fact that chicks have been digging him all his life, so it must be a little bit strange to find himself in a situation where he can't get the girl to respond to him. Xavier says that he doesn't mind, and sort of likes it. "It's like a good pain," he says. Oh, for crying...a "good pain"? Jennifer laughs with delight, because being seen as "a good pain" is her plan exactly! The dysfunction is so great I can't look. Xavier says that her cold attitude forces him to be a better man -- to "be a better person in order to seduce her." EW! I would have had so much more respect for him if he had just said she was going to have to decide whether she wanted to be friendly or not, and if she had made up her mind to be a pain in the ass, they could call it off right now.
On to the painful reality that is Cortez and Matt. "Doctor" Jenn points out that Matt is obviously attracted to Cortez, so they're wondering why he's not putting the moves on her. Aside, I guess, from the unmistakable "I am not receptive to having the moves put on me" vibe that Cortez has been giving off ever since the screen went up between them. Matt says that he thinks Cortez is real cute, but she's pretty clearly not attracted to him, and wants nothing more than to be friends, so he's not going to go all hey-baby-hey on her. "Doctor" Jenn asks Cortez whether this is the case, and Cortez hems and haws in a way she thinks is really adorable, and then she basically says that although she and Matt have a lot in common, she doesn't feel "the passion" for him. Matt swallows and nods. Aw.
And now, for the apparently blissful Kevin and Jill. Non-Doctor Don has nothing negative to say that's very convincing, because he hits Kevin with the fact that Kevin has "deep religious beliefs," but he's been sharing some nakedness with Jill. That's just not that interesting. A suddenly sweaty, non-attractive Kevin stammers that he's not having sex with her, but nothing about sharing the shower offends his religion, because there was steam between them when he was naked. No, really. He suddenly looks really ghastly. Non-Doctor Don asks if Kevin is comfortable with premarital sex with Jill, and he says he'd consider it. Yeah, I'm sure he'd give it quite a lot of thought. Oy.
"Doctor" Jenn moves on to Billie Jeanne and Tony, telling them that they're obviously very passionate, but that she wonders what they'll talk about when they've completed the spelunking tours of each other's body cavities. Tony says that there's nothing unusual about the fact that they like making out. Non-Doctor Don asks them whether they know the difference between love and lust. Billie Jeanne responds that when they look into each other's eyes, she can feel the "depth and the seriousness" of who Tony really is. So the answer to NDD's question, apparently, is "No." She says that there's "something beneath" the passion. Tony points out that you would have to have overwhelming hot passion for anyone you married, or why would you marry them? So, again, the answer to NDD's question would be, "No."
In case you weren't paying attention, there were some really interesting little pearls of sociology buried in the crap of that scene -- all completely accidental on Fox's part, because none of them have anything to do with the gimmick on which the show is based. Note the way that (1) Denise requested more affection, like she was asking for a favor, whereas Xavier was treated like he was doing Jennifer a favor by waiting for her to want more affection; (2) Billie Jeanne has clearly decided that the overwhelming lust of her relationship with Tony implies that they are also in love, whereas Tony just thinks that having lust is better than not having it; (3) Kevin entirely lost his composure over being asked how he squares his "deep religious beliefs" with his walking around naked, but no one has even asked him how he squares those beliefs with marrying a stranger; (4) Matt was basically teased for not "making a move" on Cortez, to whom he is attracted, despite the fact that anyone watching them could tell that such a move would have been unwelcome; and (5) None of them was asked to answer a single question that didn't relate to sex, despite the fact that the presence of absence of sexual attraction was the easiest thing to spot with the couples during the week, while any degree to which they like or don't like each other in any other respect remains essentially unexplored. I'm just thinking it's interesting, is all.
Anyway, the panelists put their little pinheads together to decide who should be kicked out of the Huggy-Boo Ranch. They don't even leave the room; they just lean over and whisper to each other. Finally, Egghead asks them if they've reached a decision. They say they have. Miss P. tells us that they had come in thinking they'd eliminate one couple, but now they're going to eliminate another. Huh? Has there ever been an option other than Matt and Cortez? This confused me when it happened, because it seemed like the events of the week would suggest you had to get rid of those two, so this made me wonder if Kevin's sweaty meltdown had squicked them out or something. Anyway, Miss P. hands the card to Egghead, who takes forever to read it, as usual. Not unexpectedly, the big losers are Matt and Cortez. All of America: "Duh." Even Matt and Cortez are not surprised. Or disappointed. Of course, the drama and embarrassment has to be maximized by Fox, so first, Cortez is instructed to give the ring back to Matt, and then Matt is instructed to bring the ring to Egghead. SNUFF! Oh, wrong show. Anyway, it's all supposed to be very serious. Matt and Cortez leave the Room of Judgment, and Egghead tries a Peachy moment as he tells the rest of the folks not to waste their remaining time at Huggy-Boo, and he sends them off.
Matt and Cortez have their obligatory out-the-door sequence. Matt voices over that Cortez has lots of good qualities, and will be a great catch, but obviously, he wasn't what she had in mind. She interviews again about the lack of "chemistry." There is a little bit of yabba-dabba about how she might not have liked the fact that he was chatty, but it's very cobbled-together and it's not at all clear that that was the problem. She says that if they were stuck in a room very long, they would have driven each other crazy. They leave, blah dee blah, no hard feelings. He calls it "an interesting adventure." They wish everyone well, and we're out.
week: Billie Jeanne is still in loooove. She could "be crushed" if they were eliminated. Tony and Billie Jeanne have a fight, or possibly not. Jennifer plays it cold some more, and Xavier indicates that there may be a limit to how hard he wants to work at warming her up. Stephen still isn't into Denise, and now she's getting mad and telling him that normally, when a guy doesn't kiss her, she assumes he's gay. Well, that'll help.