Lame

There's excitement in the air of the tour bus as Ashley informs us that the bus is spending an evening in Las Vegas. Are these kids old enough to gamble? I thought they weren't. As Trevor celebrates three days off, Silent Mike (who is no longer silent this season) informs them that it won't be "all days off," and that they're actually going to be working while they're in Vegas. They have a radio contest to do. "Win a Date with O-Town," Mike says. Jacob gets nauseous. Ashley rubs his mouth, wondering if he'll have to lose his virginity to girls on this date. Trevor reminds us of the video he made in which he said, in a creepy whisper, "Hey, I'm Trevor and I want you to pick me for your date." Yikes. Why is this contest only in Las Vegas? Jacob is pissed off about this, wishing he were in a band that played instruments and had real groupies. Mike on the Mike have picked the finalists, and now the boys have to pick the final finalists for the final finalist finale on this fine Vegas vacation. Jacob pretends he's feeling sick. It's fun to watch him hate everyone on the bus. It's hard to admit that you understand what Jacob's going through, but for the first time in my life, I totally sympathize with Jacob.

The worst part about these opening credits is that it looks like the boys were shot without any music playing behind them. Everyone's too close to the camera making these ridiculous arm gestures. Erik's "come hither" thing, Jacob's "fuck off" thing, Jacob's "my music is hardcore" snap with an overbite, and Dan's "my neck is bendy" thing. I can't stand it. I can't even look at these credits anymore.

The first Date Hopeful is a girl with a sense of humor and a love of Ashley. She says that Ashley will get anything Ashley wants. She says that if Ashley wants a showgirl, she'll get him a showgirl. Cut to the girl asking a showgirl if she'll do a dance for Ashley. "I would love to," the showgirl lies, "but they just called places." All of this stuff is so fake, but it's still pretty funny, in that everybody other than the girl trying to win the date hates O-Town. Including the Blue Man Group, who shun the girl's request to have them do something for Ashley. They run away, terrified in silence. The girl's name is Tammy. Wait. I'm sure it's *~~TaMmiE~~*. Ashley says he thinks that *~~TaMmiE~~* is "very, very creative." That means he doesn't find her too pretty, but that's okay. She is creative, and I like her and her Blue Man connections. The boys all clap and say that *~~TaMmiE~~* won them over.

Trevor's . Just a shot of a cheerleader doing a basket toss. Shallow Trevor eats it up. Applause, bad t-shirt, moving on.

Ashley explains it all for us again -- how they have to pick three girls who are going to compete to win a date from a radio station. In case you accidentally missed the first three minutes of the episode.

Montage of auditioners commences. Shot of an ass right up to the camera. She's wearing panties that say "O-Town" on them. She rolls her ass in a circle to "All For Love." I'm sure she gets a callback, and I'm sure it's with Trevor.

Scary Blonde Chick sings a scary tune with her frightful eyebrows. She's wearing some kind of long pink dress and stands before ivy bent into a heart shape. They edit in the boys applauding, but you know it was for another auditioner.

Three girls dance to that "Breakin' of the Dawn" song. Ashley smiles. I pause and leave Ashley's face on my television like a screensaver while I get another cup of coffee. Which cup, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's my third. I now require three full cups of coffee to do a recap of Making the Band. I also need to state right here that I'm sorry I was so generous with my praise in the first episode of the season. I had such high hopes. I should have kept my mouth shut and reserved judgement for a couple of episodes. Because I can't believe how bad all this has gotten. I also should tell you that I've talked with more than one person who works for or with this show, and they all tell me that the episodes get better by the end of the season. So, for what it's worth, maybe we're watching all of these shitty episodes for a naked Ashley at the end of the rainbow. Sip the coffee, feel the caffeine, move on.

Liz, who is twenty-one and a UNLV student, tells the camera that she'd like to go out with Dan. She's even made a collage, so you know she's serious. Dan is stunned into mouth-gaping silence.

Ashley comments that it looks like the girls went to a lot of trouble.

Okay. There's a blonde sitting at the bottom of some steps. She's drawn out stick figures on pieces of paper, and she's using them as instructional tools. Her lesson? (a) She wants to date Jacob. (b) So she can spank his booty. This girl will say the word "booty" about a million times this episode, and it will never become endearing. She also says the word "booty" like she's trying to say it with a different accent. Dan is confused. Ashley is disgusted. This girl has drawn on her paper a symbol that looks like this: ( | ) "That's his booty, right there," she says. The picture: "That's me spankin' his booty." The boys all laugh. "I wanna spank his booty real hard," she smiles. Jacob is intrigued. I'm feeling a bit sick.

Vegas. Twenty-three girls have shown up for the "Win A Dream Date With O-Town" finals. Scotty V, my most hated DJ of the episode, is announcing on a microphone that the contest is about to begin. Every girl in attendance is wearing braces. They keep showing the same six girls cheering from different angles, trying to make it look like there are more people in the room than there are. "Let the games begin!" a few girls scream to each other.

We start with Erik's finalists. These three girls have to eat as many bananas as they can in three minutes. "To try to impress [Erik]," the DJ explains. One of the finalists is a tiny Japanese boy, I'm pretty sure. The screen fills with a "You Don't Know Jack" rip-off to explain our finalists. Denise is a New Yorker at heart, Dana loves to ski, and Sarah likes to cook. The girls rip open bananas and shove them into their mouths to the tune of "Get UR Freak On." I'm fixing to get my puke on, y'all. The ticker in the top left tells us who we're looking at and how many bananas she's shoved into her face, but it's hard to read that when you have to look away from the screen. There's nothing sexy about a pre-teen shoving bananas into her mouth. Even alt.preteen.humiliation.sex is like, "Fuck, man, that's gross." Erik eats a banana as Ashley tries not to throw up. Jacob is pretending he doesn't know where he is. Sarah's fifth banana goes in sideways. I think that's the nastiest sentence I've ever written. Sarah's fifth banana goes in sideways. I'm so grossed out. One of the girls wins. Does it really matter which one? All of the girls are doubled over, sick as shit from the potassium overdosing. Even the audience doesn't have the strength to clap. Denise, the winner, freaks out and screams as she jumps in the air. The camera cuts before she projectile-vomits all over Erik. The DJ asks if Erik is happy. Erik pretends he's a screaming girl, too, and says, "I am!" The DJ laughs as if Erik is the reincarnation of Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks in one. Erik walks the girl away so she can vomit in private as the crowd coos over how nice Erik is for putting his arm near the winner.

It's Jacob's turn. He's still pretending he's not actually a member of this band. The girls come out and hug O-Town. Booty Girl cheats by straddling Jacob and clinging to him like the baby monkey he loves so much. Mothers cover the eyes of the children in attendance. Booty Girl is asked if she really likes Jacob that much. "I just wanna spank his booty," she repeats. Yeah, we got it, skank. Jacob's humiliating contest? Wrestling. The girls have to wrestle. For Jacob. The least skanky girl looks so disappointed. She had a song all ready and everything. The finalists, complete with stupid fun facts: Dawna is in the Navy; Rebecca loves Jacob's dreadlocks; and Ashley wants to spank Jacob. Finally, a true sentence. It's finally written down. Ashley wants to spank Jacob. Thank you. A giant man gives the rules: "No spitting. No eye-gouging." The game is, knock the girl off the mat, you win the round. Round one is Dawna and Rebecca. The boys flinch at the display of girl power in front of them. Dawna pretty much slams Rebecca right into the ground, smashing her kidneys into pavement. It's just a nightclub. This isn't where people are supposed to bodyslam. The DJ reminds Jacob that these girls are beating each other up over him. Jacob says he's aware of this. Booty Girl Ashley then beats the shit out of Dawna. Knocks her over. The boys are terrified. "This is horrible!" we hear one of them say. Dan has to look away in fear. Booty Girl throws Dawna out of the ring. Jacob is shocked and terrified that he now has to date the incredibly violent Booty Girl. She pulls her pants back up over her ass and gives a kiss to the camera. She hugs Jacob as he tells us in a confessional that Booty Girl might be too "outrageous" for him. Booty Girl then smacks Jacob on the ass. Hard. The DJ babbles on incoherently. Jacob tells the DJ that he's a little afraid of his date. Booty Girl shows that her arms are all scratched up from the fighting, but she's proud of her victory. "I'm spanking him hard!" she pants, as she clutches her friend in celebration. Jacob tells us that he hopes Booty Girl isn't just on the date to spank his booty. Jacob, what makes you think she's on the date for any other reason? She seems only capable of saying those three words.