There's excitement in the air of the tour bus as Ashley informs us that the bus is spending an evening in Las Vegas. Are these kids old enough to gamble? I thought they weren't. As Trevor celebrates three days off, Silent Mike (who is no longer silent this season) informs them that it won't be "all days off," and that they're actually going to be working while they're in Vegas. They have a radio contest to do. "Win a Date with O-Town," Mike says. Jacob gets nauseous. Ashley rubs his mouth, wondering if he'll have to lose his virginity to girls on this date. Trevor reminds us of the video he made in which he said, in a creepy whisper, "Hey, I'm Trevor and I want you to pick me for your date." Yikes. Why is this contest only in Las Vegas? Jacob is pissed off about this, wishing he were in a band that played instruments and had real groupies. Mike on the Mike have picked the finalists, and now the boys have to pick the final finalists for the final finalist finale on this fine Vegas vacation. Jacob pretends he's feeling sick. It's fun to watch him hate everyone on the bus. It's hard to admit that you understand what Jacob's going through, but for the first time in my life, I totally sympathize with Jacob.
The worst part about these opening credits is that it looks like the boys were shot without any music playing behind them. Everyone's too close to the camera making these ridiculous arm gestures. Erik's "come hither" thing, Jacob's "fuck off" thing, Jacob's "my music is hardcore" snap with an overbite, and Dan's "my neck is bendy" thing. I can't stand it. I can't even look at these credits anymore.
The first Date Hopeful is a girl with a sense of humor and a love of Ashley. She says that Ashley will get anything Ashley wants. She says that if Ashley wants a showgirl, she'll get him a showgirl. Cut to the girl asking a showgirl if she'll do a dance for Ashley. "I would love to," the showgirl lies, "but they just called places." All of this stuff is so fake, but it's still pretty funny, in that everybody other than the girl trying to win the date hates O-Town. Including the Blue Man Group, who shun the girl's request to have them do something for Ashley. They run away, terrified in silence. The girl's name is Tammy. Wait. I'm sure it's *~~TaMmiE~~*. Ashley says he thinks that *~~TaMmiE~~* is "very, very creative." That means he doesn't find her too pretty, but that's okay. She is creative, and I like her and her Blue Man connections. The boys all clap and say that *~~TaMmiE~~* won them over.
Trevor's . Just a shot of a cheerleader doing a basket toss. Shallow Trevor eats it up. Applause, bad t-shirt, moving on.
Ashley explains it all for us again -- how they have to pick three girls who are going to compete to win a date from a radio station. In case you accidentally missed the first three minutes of the episode.
Montage of auditioners commences. Shot of an ass right up to the camera. She's wearing panties that say "O-Town" on them. She rolls her ass in a circle to "All For Love." I'm sure she gets a callback, and I'm sure it's with Trevor.
Scary Blonde Chick sings a scary tune with her frightful eyebrows. She's wearing some kind of long pink dress and stands before ivy bent into a heart shape. They edit in the boys applauding, but you know it was for another auditioner.
Three girls dance to that "Breakin' of the Dawn" song. Ashley smiles. I pause and leave Ashley's face on my television like a screensaver while I get another cup of coffee. Which cup, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's my third. I now require three full cups of coffee to do a recap of Making the Band. I also need to state right here that I'm sorry I was so generous with my praise in the first episode of the season. I had such high hopes. I should have kept my mouth shut and reserved judgement for a couple of episodes. Because I can't believe how bad all this has gotten. I also should tell you that I've talked with more than one person who works for or with this show, and they all tell me that the episodes get better by the end of the season. So, for what it's worth, maybe we're watching all of these shitty episodes for a naked Ashley at the end of the rainbow. Sip the coffee, feel the caffeine, move on.
Liz, who is twenty-one and a UNLV student, tells the camera that she'd like to go out with Dan. She's even made a collage, so you know she's serious. Dan is stunned into mouth-gaping silence.
Ashley comments that it looks like the girls went to a lot of trouble.
Okay. There's a blonde sitting at the bottom of some steps. She's drawn out stick figures on pieces of paper, and she's using them as instructional tools. Her lesson? (a) She wants to date Jacob. (b) So she can spank his booty. This girl will say the word "booty" about a million times this episode, and it will never become endearing. She also says the word "booty" like she's trying to say it with a different accent. Dan is confused. Ashley is disgusted. This girl has drawn on her paper a symbol that looks like this: ( | ) "That's his booty, right there," she says. The picture: "That's me spankin' his booty." The boys all laugh. "I wanna spank his booty real hard," she smiles. Jacob is intrigued. I'm feeling a bit sick.
Vegas. Twenty-three girls have shown up for the "Win A Dream Date With O-Town" finals. Scotty V, my most hated DJ of the episode, is announcing on a microphone that the contest is about to begin. Every girl in attendance is wearing braces. They keep showing the same six girls cheering from different angles, trying to make it look like there are more people in the room than there are. "Let the games begin!" a few girls scream to each other.
We start with Erik's finalists. These three girls have to eat as many bananas as they can in three minutes. "To try to impress [Erik]," the DJ explains. One of the finalists is a tiny Japanese boy, I'm pretty sure. The screen fills with a "You Don't Know Jack" rip-off to explain our finalists. Denise is a New Yorker at heart, Dana loves to ski, and Sarah likes to cook. The girls rip open bananas and shove them into their mouths to the tune of "Get UR Freak On." I'm fixing to get my puke on, y'all. The ticker in the top left tells us who we're looking at and how many bananas she's shoved into her face, but it's hard to read that when you have to look away from the screen. There's nothing sexy about a pre-teen shoving bananas into her mouth. Even alt.preteen.humiliation.sex is like, "Fuck, man, that's gross." Erik eats a banana as Ashley tries not to throw up. Jacob is pretending he doesn't know where he is. Sarah's fifth banana goes in sideways. I think that's the nastiest sentence I've ever written. Sarah's fifth banana goes in sideways. I'm so grossed out. One of the girls wins. Does it really matter which one? All of the girls are doubled over, sick as shit from the potassium overdosing. Even the audience doesn't have the strength to clap. Denise, the winner, freaks out and screams as she jumps in the air. The camera cuts before she projectile-vomits all over Erik. The DJ asks if Erik is happy. Erik pretends he's a screaming girl, too, and says, "I am!" The DJ laughs as if Erik is the reincarnation of Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks in one. Erik walks the girl away so she can vomit in private as the crowd coos over how nice Erik is for putting his arm near the winner.
It's Jacob's turn. He's still pretending he's not actually a member of this band. The girls come out and hug O-Town. Booty Girl cheats by straddling Jacob and clinging to him like the baby monkey he loves so much. Mothers cover the eyes of the children in attendance. Booty Girl is asked if she really likes Jacob that much. "I just wanna spank his booty," she repeats. Yeah, we got it, skank. Jacob's humiliating contest? Wrestling. The girls have to wrestle. For Jacob. The least skanky girl looks so disappointed. She had a song all ready and everything. The finalists, complete with stupid fun facts: Dawna is in the Navy; Rebecca loves Jacob's dreadlocks; and Ashley wants to spank Jacob. Finally, a true sentence. It's finally written down. Ashley wants to spank Jacob. Thank you. A giant man gives the rules: "No spitting. No eye-gouging." The game is, knock the girl off the mat, you win the round. Round one is Dawna and Rebecca. The boys flinch at the display of girl power in front of them. Dawna pretty much slams Rebecca right into the ground, smashing her kidneys into pavement. It's just a nightclub. This isn't where people are supposed to bodyslam. The DJ reminds Jacob that these girls are beating each other up over him. Jacob says he's aware of this. Booty Girl Ashley then beats the shit out of Dawna. Knocks her over. The boys are terrified. "This is horrible!" we hear one of them say. Dan has to look away in fear. Booty Girl throws Dawna out of the ring. Jacob is shocked and terrified that he now has to date the incredibly violent Booty Girl. She pulls her pants back up over her ass and gives a kiss to the camera. She hugs Jacob as he tells us in a confessional that Booty Girl might be too "outrageous" for him. Booty Girl then smacks Jacob on the ass. Hard. The DJ babbles on incoherently. Jacob tells the DJ that he's a little afraid of his date. Booty Girl shows that her arms are all scratched up from the fighting, but she's proud of her victory. "I'm spanking him hard!" she pants, as she clutches her friend in celebration. Jacob tells us that he hopes Booty Girl isn't just on the date to spank his booty. Jacob, what makes you think she's on the date for any other reason? She seems only capable of saying those three words.
By the way, Wing? Does this mean I don't have to recap this show anymore? I mean, banana-eating and wrestling? It's eleven-thirty and this shark is jumpin', jumpin', if you know what I'm saying. ["Hey, I thought we were all off the hook when ABC canned it. I don't know what to tell you." -- Wing Chun]
It's Ashley's turn. He tells DJ Pathetic that he's a little nervous. The finalists: Jodie is very romantic; Linda is a massage therapist; and Tammy knows Siegfried and Roy. Who doesn't, Tammy? For real. Tammy's the one with the funny video. I'm still spelling it *~~TaMmiE~~*. The girls giggle a "hi!" to Ashley. He waves back using his pinkie. Shot of Erik being jealous. For fuck's sake. Ashley's girls just have to come up with this cheer about how much they love Ashley. These other girls are bruised and vomiting, and these girls have to just jump around? Oh, they also have to stuff their mouths with marshmallows. Who made up these contests? The First Baptist Church of Houston? The girls are handed pompons. Ashley eats a marshmallow. Jacob hides his head in shame. For thirty blessed seconds, nothing happens but shots of, like, Ashley smiling and a hand holding a bowl of marshmallows as we hear No Doubt's "Hey, Baby." Jodie's cheer through a cheekful of marshmallow is: "A-S-H. L-E-Y. I love you." Then she laughs, chokes and suffocates from expanded sugar puffs. You know, you can suffocate on marshmallows. Don't they know that? Ashley and the boys are pleased with this half-hearted stab at poetry. The second girl slowly pops marshmallows into her mouth as Ashley and Erik pretend to be sexually aroused. Linda's cheer: "Give me a G! Give me an O! Give me a P-I-C-K! Gopicklindaashley!" Then she gives the TRL "woo!" and wiggles her hips like Britney. Then she chokes, suffocates, and turns blue. The entire No Doubt song has been playing this entire time so we don't completely die of boredom. *~~TaMmiE~~* is last. "Give me an A! S! H! L! E! Y! What's that spell? He's our man and he can do it anytime!" Ashley acts confused as the girls cheer and we all have to pretend that *~~TaMmiE~~* made some kind of double entendre and that her cheer had a rhyme scheme. Erik tells Ashley to pick *~~TaMmiE~~*. Ashley obeys. Jacob laughs at her. Ashley confesses that he thought all of the cheers were really good, but *~~TaMmiE~~*'s videotape was the best.
Dan's girls are . Hilary says that Dan is her man; Liz is from Ohio...like Dan; and Danielle once met Dan at a Wal-Mart. Shoot me in the head. Please. Somebody. Save me from this. Dan's contest? Twister. With three exclamation points after it, according to the title on the screen. Dan gives a few orders for left hand yellow and shit, but Trevor butts in making his own calls so he can see girls with their legs spread. Dan decides to just play with the girls instead. One poor girl is playing this in a dress. Now that Dan's playing, the boys are cheering and watching, happy to see the game. Girls take pictures. Ashley is now leaping around the Twister board as Dan's caught in a girl sandwich. "I'm competitive," he tells us. Trevor tattles that the girl in the dress fell. They eliminate her, and the cute blonde wins. She falls on top of Dan and they embrace on the Twister board. Her name is Hilary. She celebrates with two other girls, one of whom is Booty Girl.
Trevor tells us that whatever his dates are going to have to do can't be any worse than what the other girls have already done. That's what he thinks. Allison is a cheerleader; Angela loves to dance; Rochelle is afraid of clowns. Now, Allison and Angela fill out Trevor's two requirements in women. Poor Rochelle has lost before she's even out the gate. This is horrible. They have to strip down to bikinis and cover themselves in as much whipped cream as they can stick to their bodies. The girls all look unamused as they take off their clothes. They're already wearing bikinis, so apparently they were warned beforehand. Even the boys look uncomfortable here, and only Ashley is clueless enough to applaud heartily. The girls have to stand in just their bikinis for a while before the whipped cream is brought out. Trevor starts screaming for the girls to lie down so the whipped cream sticks better. The girls are on their backs, spraying whipped cream all over their bodies. Erik is properly embarrassed. The boys are quiet, realizing what's about to happen. They have to go out with girls. Allison wins, but I can't tell why. All of the girls have just the same amount of whipped cream on them. Allison isn't even the one that slowly rubbed it over her breasts. So, this is probably the best role model for pre-teens I've seen so far in this episode. Good going, MTV.
So each of the "successful winners," as Ashley explains, gets to pick her own "dream date" for the boys. Limos pick up the boys and girls. Ashley says, "Hopefully it's not payback." Oh, but it should be. Ashley's date isn't in his limo. They tell him that he's going to meet her somewhere. I grab my fourth cup of coffee.
Erik's date takes him to a dance studio. They're going to learn how to disco dance. LAME. Erik laughs into his hand. "I know a lot of dancing," he tells us, "but I don't know how to disco dance."
Hilary is taking Dan bowling. Dan asks if Hilary is a good bowler. She says she's "great." Dan brags that he used to be on a team. "Oh, great," Hilary says, pretending to care.
Jacob's date is to give Booty Girl a "tour" of the "bus" in "private." Jacob shows Booty Girl their bunks. Jacob, of course, sleeps way at the bottom so that he can do the most complaining. It's like he sleeps under the bus. Jacob says he has a phobia of sleeping on the top bunk because of an "incident." Then they show Jacob's wallet chain. I never saw the first season. Did someone chain him to his top bunk? Brilliant. Booty Girl asks whether Jacob suffered brain damage. She's wearing some thick green eyeshadow and green eyeliner. Hello, Trashy. She asks Jacob whether he'd like to try out his bottom bunk. Jacob voice-overs that he's a little frightened. "I think I'm gonna need security," he says. By the way? We never see them again. Because I guess they had tour bus sex.
Dan and Hilary are bowling. Snore. The alley is pretty empty, and those who are there aren't interested at all in Dan's bowling skills. Hilary's tag is sticking out of her jeans. She bowls a strike. Dan is impressed. He gives himself the sexist pep talk: "Don't lose to a girl." Oh, wait. Did he mean his virginity? Dan bowls a big, smelly gutterball. Hilary rejoices. Dan is frustrated and then they zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Trevor reminds us that his date is a cheerleader. She's flexible and athletic. So they go indoor skydiving. We see footage of people who can actually do this, and they try to make us think it's Trevor and his date. It's just impressive footage of a total stranger, though, so I don't have to recap it.
Ashley tells us he has no clue what *~~TaMmiE~~* is going to come up with for their date, but he's pretty sure it'll be "interesting." Ashley steps out of his limo as church bells sound and choir music starts up. There, at the end of the parking lot, is *~~TaMmiE~~* wearing nothing but a wedding dress. It's her dream date, you see, to marry Ashley. He's got his head cocked to the side as he asks, "*~~TaMmiE~~*?" *~~TaMmiE~~* very calmly states, "Well, my dream date is to marry you, so here we are." At the Graceland Wedding Chapel. Ashley then laughs. He tries to compliment *~~TaMmiE~~*, but it comes out, "You look, uh...you're all dressed in white!" He says that he's underdressed. *~~TaMmiE~~* says they'll fix that. She says it's a wedding, so they have to go "all out." Ashley tries not to touch *~~TaMmiE~~* as they walk into the chapel. "Wow" is all Ashley can think to say. "This isn't for real, right?" he asks. "No, don't worry," *~~TaMmiE~~* says. "Just trust me. Just trust me." I love it.
Inside the chapel, Ashley and *~~TaMmiE~~* are asked to sign a "commitment certificate." Ashley puts on the brakes. "Trust me, trust me," *~~TaMmiE~~* whispers. "This is a real chapel," Ashley whispers back. *~~TaMmiE~~* says that it is. "That's a real wedding dress," Ashley notes. Ashley says he's not supposed to sign anything and that Mike on the Mike would kill him if he signed a piece of paper. *~~TaMmiE~~* promises that she had the paper checked out with Mike on the Mike and that they told Ashley to "do it." She says the certificate is for her scrapbook. The lady behind the chapel counter is impressed with *~~TaMmiE~~*'s Vegas-talking skills. *~~TaMmiE~~* says she has to have "documents" of what happened or nobody would believe her. You know, because MTV only airs this episode once late at night. Ashley signs the paper.
Dan and Hilary continue bowling as Dan talks smack about how he's only losing because he hasn't warmed up yet and then she asks him about how he was supposed to have been on a bowling team and then they zz zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzz zzz.
Erik shouts a very long "oh yeah!" when he learns the "disco point" move. No, I don't know why, either. The choreography is as follows: "Up. Down. Up. Down. Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah!" And that's it. "I've learned it!" Erik celebrates, as it is the first piece of choreography he's ever gotten right on the first rehearsal. The choreographer is hella creepy with wandering eyebrows.
Trevor isn't very good at indoor skydiving. People hold his ankles and wiggle him around so he feels like he's actually doing it. He floats out of the wind current and falls to the ground head-first. "I want more!" he whines, throwing his body into a tantrum. Montage of beginners indoor skydiving. Yes, it's just as remarkably unimpressive as you might imagine. Trevor's favorite moment? The instructor flips him over so he's floating on his back, and then starts spinning Trevor in a circle as he holds on to him by his crotch. Just spinning Trevor around and around by his dick. Awesome. Trevor, overcome with misplaced, undirected sexual energy, tackles his date to the ground. It's quiet and uncomfortable until Trevor shouts, "Oh, that was awesome!"
Zzzzzzz. zzzzzzzzzz. Dan gets a strike. Zzzzzzzzzz. He dances until he slips in his bowling shoes and has to pull it off like he meant to do some breakdancing move. Dan then high-fives the same stranger in every single corner of the bowling alley.
Erik is wearing the white polyester disco suit. You know the one. "Heaven" plays for a long time, which is a welcome break from the constant O-Town barrage. I don't know why the date doesn't get to dress up. Unfair. They dance. The choreographer loves Erik. Erik loves the choreographer. Erik never stops looking at himself in the mirror and hardly touches his date when they eventually dance together. "I love this suit," he announces to us. "Polyester is my fabric." You heard it here first.
Trevor asks his date, "You liked it?" "Yeah," she babies back. "Thank you so much," he says. "You're welcome!" she answers. No phone number, no nookie, another loss for Trevor. He brags to us that he "easily" had the wildest date.
The bridal march starts playing. The chapel doors open. Ashley is now wearing a tux top over his t-shirt. The chapel is filled with all of *~~TaMmiE~~*'s invisible friends and relatives. Ashley is appropriately terrified. He tells us that he thought this was just supposed to be a radio contest to promote their album. "I don't want to get married on our first date," he moans. There's an Elvis standing at the altar. He says that they are gathered to unite Ashley and *~~TaMmiE~~*. By "they," I guess he means the three of them. It's so sad that *~~TaMmiE~~* doesn't have any friends to scream in the background. Elvis asks if everyone is ready for the ceremony. "Uh," Ashley answers. "That's good enough for me," Elvis says. Elvis makes Ashley and *~~TaMmiE~~* hold hands and gaze "passionately" into each other's eyes. *~~TaMmiE~~* reads her vows without a stutter. Except she fucks up the "for now and always" part and adds an extra "for" in it. Ashley puts a ring on *~~TaMmiE~~*'s finger. It's hideous and gigantic. Oh, y'all. *~~TaMmiE~~* got a manicure for this. Elvis asks Ashley to repeat after him. "This isn't for real, right?" Ashley asks Elvis. "That's good enough for me," Elvis answers. Look at this paragraph I'm writing. Just toss this paragraph in a West Wing recap some time and see how they respond. What are we doing with our lives, people? Ashley finishes the vows, and even says, "I give to you all of my love" as if he's serious. Elvis pronounces them husband and wife by the state of Nevada and has them blow bubbles instead of kissing the bride. *~~TaMmiE~~* says this is the best day of her life. Ashley says to us that this can't be for real. "Thank you very much," Elvis says, and Ashley walks down the aisle with his new bride *~~TaMmiE~~*. The car boasts a "Just Married" sign, but as it pulls away, you can see that Ashley is not inside.
The tour bus. The boys are all sharing their date experiences in this completely candid, unscripted moment. Dan says that they went bowling. Everyone falls asleep. Erik brags that he went disco dancing, and that they would have paid to see him in his "John Travolta" suit. Trevor brags that he had the coolest date. He mimes indoor skydiving. Jacob says his ass is bruised from his date. Booty Girl wouldn't stop smacking him. "At least she didn't try to marry you," Ashley says. It gets all quiet in the van and Silent Mike solemnly says, "Yeah, marriage is a commitment, man." Ashley explains to the boys that it was like a real wedding. They all tease Ashley for signing the papers. "Nothing gets by Ashley," Dan jokes. "He pays attention to all the little things." Silent Mike says that he and Mike reviewed the certificate, and it says that Ashley and *~~TaMmiE~~* are legally married. Ashley screams, "It was pretend! I checked it out!" Everyone starts teasing him for being married. "Shut up! You're freaking me out!" Ashley smiles. The boys all congratulate Ashley on his new life with his new bride and applaud the happy couple as U2's "A Beautiful Day" drowns out the antics of life on the road. "The toaster oven's from me and Mike," we hear as we watch the van drive off in slow motion. "Shut up!" Ashley shouts. Ah, musicians. Such fun.
week Erik pretends to be angry at the band. Something happens on TRL.