Britney introduces this episode during The Hook-Up. As she reads the teleprompter, there's absolutely no recognition in her eyes that this is the band that opened for her on her tour. I love it.
Previously on Making the Band: Tour. Fans. Bad, bad music. Ashley: "Life on the road can be hard by itself, but it can be torture on a relationship." Kelly dumps Trevor. Trevor says he can't get a girlfriend while he's in O-Town. Bad, bad music on tour.
Ashley reads from a notebook in his horrible Austin Powers impression. The rest of the guys are clearly exhausted from tolerating Ashley's bad British bit once a day. I guess Ashley's reading some fan mail. Jacob doesn't care. Silent Mike sits down in a completely scripted moment and announces that their "recording" gig got cancelled for that weekend, and that they now have two days off. Instead of letting the boys all go home for the weekend to see family and friends, they've rented a cabin where the boys will be resting for two days. The boys act surprised. Mike says that the cabin is in Salt Lake City. "No interviewers, no nothing," he says. Except for the camera crew and all of the people that follow O-Town around all the time. Dan asks if he can bring "a friend, or whatever." Trevor tells all the guys to bring their girlfriends, and he'll just sit alone in the cabin jacking off. That's pretty much what he says.
Ashley calls Shrilli. He tells her to come to the cabin for two days. They'll fly her in. The music screeches and Ashley tells us, "Okay! Okay! Don't say anything. Shelli and I are dating again. I know! I know what you're gonna say. So don't, don't say anything." Oh, Ashley. You don't know the seventeen different things I was going to say.
Jacob calls Janie and tells her about the trip. He hopes they get to go snowboarding. He tells us that he's really missed Janie, and hates that they don't get to see much of each other. "So this kind of a trip's gonna be really cool," he says. I don't speak Jacobian, but I think he just told us he's stoked about getting laid.
In another set-up moment, we flip back and forth as both Jacob and Ashley ask their girlfriends to bring friends for Trevor. What about Erik and Dan? Why is Trevor the loser? Ashley tells Shelli to bring lots of warm clothes. Because he won't be trying to take them off her.
Opening credits that have the graphic quality of iMovie.
Salt Lake City. A van rolls up to this cabin as Ashley announces, "Home Sweet Home." It is big and pretty. I am jealous of O-Town for the first time in my life. There are bunk beds, for some reason. Who gets the bunk beds? Erik and Dan? The poor girls who are going to have to pretend to like Trevor to earn their keep?
Trevor and Ashley roll all over each other in one of the beds. "I gotta go find a single bed!" Trevor remembers, and then runs and claims an entire bedroom all to his lonely-ass, selfish self.
Erik cheers over the fireplace. Trevor is still running around like he ate too much candy. Trevor claims a room. Nobody cares.
Ashley confesses that he's already gotten lost inside the house three times. Trevor admits that he likes this house better than he likes their Orlando crib. Trevor wishes again that he had a girlfriend. Jacob actually says this sentence: "Yeah. This is gonna be fun." Jacob is capable of having fun! Stop the presses!
The girls arrive in another van, prompting the boys to shout, "WE HAVE WOMEN!" and suddenly I'm watching some tittie flick from the '80s. Trevor makes some comment again about not having anybody, and one of the boys tells Trevor he brought some pussy for him, too.
The screen has to put titles over every girl when we see her because, except for Shelli, the girls all look exactly the same. Ashley and Shelli hug as Ashley tells us that he's really excited about not having to work for a couple of days.
Dan explains that his friend Krista is just a friend and only a friend because she's a girl and he's gay.
Kat is Erik's friend. She's just a friend. She's only a friend and doesn't endanger Erik's relationship with Ashley in any way.
Trevor admits: "I hang around guys, guys, guys all day, all night." Jacob introduces Janie's younger sister Amy to Trevor. Does anyone else find this kind of gross? The younger sister thrown on Trevor? Trevor tells us that Janie's sister is cute.
Ashley takes Trevor to the balcony to tell him that he also brought some girl for Trevor for the weekend. Her name is Jamie. Fucking Janie, Jamie, Jacob, Amy, Ashley and Shelli. How am I supposed to do this? Anyway, Trevor likes Jamie because Jamie used to be a professional cheerleader for the San Diego Chargers. Trevor is shallow, and just wants cheerleader pussy for the weekend. So much for Janie's sister Amy now that Jamie is here. I'm gonna have to start calling them Skank One and Skank Two. Trevor lies right to our faces and says he's capable of hooking himself up and doesn't need people to bring him potential dates.
In the strangest moment of the episode, Trevor walks out on the balcony to find Janie's little sister and one of the other girls dancing like they're playing hopscotch in place. This gets the nod of approval from Trevor, who wants in a woman not only cheerleading skills, but the ability to dance. "Amy gets her groove on," he says. He adds with emphasis: "And she taps!" I don't know a single man who gets turned on by tap dancing. "Double thumbs up for her," Trevor says. I would think if Trevor dated a girl who could dance, he'd be too jealous to perform around her.
Trevor is flirting with Jamie. He whispers, "I want it to snow," so quietly that I have to rewind five times. Jamie agrees that snow is cool. Ashley leans in and points out that both Jamie and Trevor love pizza, so they should have sex right now. Why did I get invited to the O-Town slumber party? It's the lamest party ever. Why can't I be at Ludacris's crib? Trevor wishes that Ashley would chill with the "Chuck Woolery" impression. There is no doubt in my mind that Trevor has no idea who Chuck Woolery is.
Trevor. I know there's a probably 32% chance that you read these recaps. And there's a 98% chance that someone who knows you reads these recaps. So, out of the kindness of my heart I'm about to give you some much-needed advice. You know why you can't score girls? It's not your shallow standards. It's not even about the fact that you've yet to look one of them in the face when she talks to you. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're kind of shy and dorky. It's your t-shirts. Any girl with the slightest amount of respect couldn't ever date a boy wearing a shirt that reads: "It is my duty to please that booty." In this frozen shot in front of me I see you're wearing a shirt that starts with giant letters reading "DRUNK GIRLS." I refuse to read the rest. I also refuse to root for you. Ah. "DRUNK GIRLS DIG ME." See? This is your problem, Trev. Get some fucking dignity, you heard?
And why is Trevor wearing some kind of all-access pass? Does he have to show ID to get into the cabin? Ashley pretends he didn't know that Jacob was also bringing a girl for him. Staged, awkward, fake, whispering ensues.
Oh, man. This episode is a bit painful, guys. You Canadians better be grateful. ["I am! Sars is TiVo-ing the season for me but I'm sure the TiVo's going to blow up in self-defense soon, so I don't expect to get to see that whole thing." -- Wing Chun] Ashley is now sitting on a coffee table, singing sweetly to the love of his life: Trevor. His new song, "All She Wrote," is a total rip-off of Extreme's "More Than Words." It's about a girl who breaks up with a boy through a letter. Ashley explains this to us because he thinks we care. All of the girls are now bored in various parts of the house as they are forced to listen to "harmonizing." The girls deal with the hell by painting their nails, staring off into space, and writing letters that read, "HELP ME. I'm trapped in a cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere with O-Town. I know you have no idea who that is, but when I explain it to you later you will hold me as I sob into your arms. Send help immediately. Love, Jamiejanieamy." Someone convinced Shelli to crimp her hair. Shelli, honey? That person is no friend of yours. Trevor moans to us that he's unhappy that they're working on a "love" song since it's been so long since he's been "you know, kind of...in love." He's having a hard time finding his Kind Of You Know Soulmate. He says it's hard looking at Jacob and Janie and Ashley and Shelli because it makes him want a fake love, too. Someone needs to be kicked off the song because there's a seriously flat voice in that harmony.
Here we have a strange montage of Trevor hitting on Jamie and Amy. They play pool. They laugh. They laugh and laugh. Then we get to see that Trevor's using the same lines on both girls, telling them how awesome this place is and how pretty everything is and how great it is to be here.
Trevor fucks up breaking an egg. How stupid do you have to be to fuck up breaking an egg? It just dumps all over the floor because he whacked it on a counter and then he starts dancing in a circle with his arms over his head, celebrating the dumb-fuckery jackassness that is Trevor.
More tomfoolery. Trevor plays a guitar for one of the skanks. They edit it so it looks like she's falling asleep as he plays. It's pretty funny.
This is all very strange, right here. Erik and Trevor walk to some wooded area to chop up logs. Trevor is good at chopping wood. I don't know why the boys have kept their clothes on for this scene. Normally anything involving two men chopping wood ends in hot, naked sex, doesn't it? The girls watch him chop from a safe distance. (Safe from the awkward advances, not from the axe.) Trevor demands the world bring him more wood to chop. Erik, predictably, can't chop a piece of wood to save his life. It's the saddest thing ever. It's like when Lisa Simpson tosses her Academic Alert card, pissed that she failed gym. He finally gets the blade near some wood and celebrates like Daniel-san just completed the Crane Pose. Erik and Trevor then chat about women. Trevor is now bragging that he's got two women. Trevor admits to us that he's shy. He has a hard time getting to "truly know them inside." Ew. There is some banter worthy of the Regal Beagle concerning how you know what love is. Trevor explains that it's a "feeling" where you go, "Man, that's like, my girl, you know?" Haven't we all had that feeling? Erik explains to us that the right girl will pop up in Trevor's life once he stops trying to find her. Trevor tries to chop the last piece of wood and misses. "The suspense is killing me," Erik says for no reason.
Janie is humiliating Amy by putting weird things in her hair. She asks if Amy wants to hook up with Trevor. She doesn't. She's happy that Trevor favors the other girl instead. She's thrilled, actually. Then the girls are catty about that Jamie girl, whispering that she's just a skank.
"Mee-murh-murgheee- nah-muh-merr-mah!" That's the sound of Shrilli and Jamie having a conversation about Trevor. They're actually discussing "possibilities" and "relationships." So sad. Jamie says she won't try to force anything to happen, but she'd be happy if something did happen. Great. I'm so happy that we get to learn the inner workings of a boy band. Oh, wait. I forgot. This show isn't about that anymore.
Oh, man. I want Shrilli to have her own show. Here's the only good scene in this episode. They're boiling lobsters. Janie shows Shrilli one of the lobsters and calls it Sebastian. "Oh, don't let her get attached to it!" Ashley moans. Shrilli is now wearing a beret, y'all. She holds the lobster and is immediately in love with it. She asks everyone not to cook this one lobster now that she knows its name. One of the girls tells Shrilli she can't just set the lobster free in the house. They corner her and pull the lobster out of her hands. Janie holds the lobster in the air and cackles with power before she boils the lobster. Ashley must now hold the weeping Shrilli who babies, "It's so sad!" I love it. Love it. In her tiny, acid-washed jeans and black beret. All frayed out and ho-ey. Crying over Sebastian the lobster, moments before she eats the shit out of it.
The great lobster depression is immediately followed by the lamest piece of television. I don't even want to recap this, but I will. It's so stupid. Okay. So these people, all of whom, I'm assuming, have graduated high school, are now going to play a game where they basically humiliate Trevor for no reason other than that one of the crew must have asked them to. Trevor has to leave the room so he can't hear what's about to happen. Janie/Jamie/Amy explains to us that Trevor is going to get under a blanket and they're all going to sit on the blanket in a circle around him. Then they're going to tell Trevor that they are thinking of something on him that they want and he has to keep taking off his clothes and handing them articles until he hands them what they want. Of course, they want the blanket that's on him, which they will pull off once he's completely naked. I hope these kids are at least drunk because otherwise...I don't know. This reminds me of the time I won the farting contest at a slumber party in the third grade. I'm not proud. Recapping this isn't a proud moment in my life, either. For some reason, they don't have to blur out Ashley's shirt anymore. Shelli thinks this is all very hysterical. Trevor is under the blanket, and they explain the game to him again. He hands them a shoe. A belt. A necklace. Ashley is screaming, "No! That's not what we wanted!" Trevor says he feels like the blanket is getting smaller. He hands them his pants. They yank up the blanket. He's not naked at all, people. Everyone runs away anyway, because nobody really wants to see Trevor naked. The only person trying to pull the blanket off Trevor is Ashley, by the way. Everyone else is keeping a safe distance. Trevor tells us that the blanket fiasco was quite embarrassing. Trevor asks the girls if they only play that game once a night. One of the skanks tells Trevor that they usually play that game with the only person that would actually take off his clothes. "Which would be you," all of the girls add. "You stupid, desperate, lonely fuckhead," they might as well have added. Ashley asks if he can go . Yes, you can, Ash. Yes, you can.
Jacob is still strumming a guitar somewhere. Janie interrupts him and asks if she can read these letters he wrote for her when they were kids. It's basically a tiny Jacob saying that he likes Janie and he even loves her and he likes her, too. Then she calls him a dork just as Jacob tells us he wishes Trevor had someone special in his life so he knew what it was like for someone to like him.
Jacob's face looks like mold has grown all over it. How does hair turn into that consistency?
Hot tub. Ashley, Trevor, Jamie, and Shelli are in the hot tub. Ashley's still going on about how Trevor and Jamie both like pizza. Shelli points out that both of them have two earrings as well. Pizza and piercings. They're so lucky to have found each other. Jamie confesses that she's been single for a while. Ashley asks if she likes being single. Trevor tries to change the subject by saying they're drinking some good drinks. I wonder if they're drunk or on Ecstasy or something. Something! God! Why is this so boring? Jamie says she's not looking for someone. "If it happens, it happens," she says. Shrilli says to Trevor, "That's kind of your attitude, isn't it?" Trevor gets all pissy and says, "No, it's not. I'm kind of on the prowl." Who says that? Trevor's never getting laid ever. Unless his mouth gets wired shut somehow, and he loses the ability to dress himself. Trevor gets all sad about himself, and Jamie gives Shelli a "save me!" look. Trevor then saves her by farting in the hot tub. He insists that he didn't, and that it was just air inside of his shorts that escaped (from his butt), but Ashley's not helping by plugging his nose and screaming that Trevor farted in the hot tub. Trevor, understandably, doesn't get laid this evening, or any evening any time soon. Jamie sleeps in the bunk bed room. Trevor sleeps all alone in his giant, lonely bed. "Wow! I have such a big bed!" he brags. But I swear to you, the first two times I listened I thought he said, "I'm such a big fag!" He's just talking about the bed, though.
Breakfast. Remember Dan? He's cooking food for everyone. He tells Trevor that Jamie likes her food burned. "She likes the dark stuff," Trevor says. I think this happened the day before, though, judging from Trevor's t-shirt and the fact that Dan doesn't bust out, "Or does she like it with a side of your farts?" He then asks if Trevor has had a chance to talk to Jamie, so this must be the day before. Trevor says they've talked about music and cheerleading. He says he wants to go right up her alley. Basically. Dan asks if Trevor finds Jamie pretty: "Is she your kind of girl?" But his eyes are pleading, "What's that like? Liking women?"
There's an edit to make us think that Ashley and Shelli slept in the same bed and had sex. This is the most un-sex-havingest house ever built. Dan proves this by beating some eggs. The only beating going on. Montage of eating, because we all care so much. Or because it's the only stuff going in their mouths. I think that's what the editors are slamming home here.
Pool table. Trevor's in a different shirt -- the one he took off when they stripped him under the blanket. Dan's "friend" is grilling Trevor on his two girls. She asks him what he's thinking. "How to hit the fourteen in," he admits. Dan laughs. "What are you thinking besides that?" she asks him. He says he wishes they could go back to the cabin, but this time he'd have a girlfriend. Dan says that Trevor's just scared because he got dumped. Trevor tells us, "That's tough coming from a friend, but I guess he's right." He says that he can get in front of twenty thousand people every night and perform, but he can't perform in front of one girl. How did Dan convince him of that? Trevor tells Dan, "I don't know. Maybe deep down I'm scared to take it." Hee. "To the level." Oh. "Because of...I've had my heart broken...before." Dan doesn't say, "You mean what I just said to you verbatim?" but he could have. Dan's friend tries to say something smart, but it comes out, "I have no idea what love is." She says that broken hearts make us better people and teach us what kind of people we don't want to be with. Honey, broken hearts only tell you what kind of person is going to break your heart your entire life. Trevor says, "I always feel like I'm in a Meg Ryan movie." What? Dan's friend teases, "The whole You've Got Mail? The whole Sleepless in Seattle?" Trevor agrees, but I don't understand why. Trevor thinks that love will be like a Meg Ryan movie. Dan teases that Trevor and Ashley both hope that their lives will be like in a movie. You mean like where they don't realize that they've been in love with each other the entire time until the end of the film? Then, their lives are kind of like a Meg Ryan movie. Dan says that Trevor shouldn't live out someone else's dream. Does he mean that Trevor is trying to live out Nora Ephron's dream? I'm so confused. I weep for these kids.
It's time to go. Everyone packs. Ashley folds with an attention that's terrifying. I don't know any boy who folds up his suitcase like that. And why so many clothes for two days, Ash? He asks if Trevor and Jamie are going well together. Ashley says that Jamie likes Trevor. Trevor answers, "It was cool, you know. Two days." How is that an answer? He says that he didn't expect to get a girlfriend out of all of this, but he had a good time. Ashley folds the hockey jersey with his name on the back that he didn't wear in this episode and misuses the word "hypothetically" in a sentence. Ashley says that Jamie is shy as well so that we have to listen to the song "Shy Girl" for the rest of the episode.
Everyone's packing and leaving. So many suitcases for two days. Dan says that every person has a soulmate. Ashley agrees, and says there's someone out there for everyone. Trevor thanks Jamie for coming. Jamie says it was her pleasure. Erik squints and tells us that you find love in the places you least expect to find it, like in Ashley's shower. Janie and Jacob kiss without tongue as they say goodbye. Jacob tells us that love is understanding and forgiveness and inspiring and everything. Trevor awkwardly asks Jamie for her phone number. We don't see if she gives it to him. She does, however, avoid eye contact as he talks to her. I think we then see Trevor have some kind of orgasm in the confessional. Trevor tells Jamie to say goodbye to the cabin. She says, "Bye, Percy!" Did they name the cabin Percy, or is Jamie on some kind of meds? Trevor shuts the door acting like he didn't just accidentally look straight into the camera, ruining the illusion that there isn't a full crew still inside the cabin as the episode finally ends.
week looks like some kind of pre-teen Howard Stern Show rip-off.