|
||||
Britney introduces this episode during The Hook-Up. As she reads the teleprompter, there's absolutely no recognition in her eyes that this is the band that opened for her on her tour. I love it.
Previously on Making the Band: Tour. Fans. Bad, bad music. Ashley: "Life on the road can be hard by itself, but it can be torture on a relationship." Kelly dumps Trevor. Trevor says he can't get a girlfriend while he's in O-Town. Bad, bad music on tour.
Ashley reads from a notebook in his horrible Austin Powers impression. The rest of the guys are clearly exhausted from tolerating Ashley's bad British bit once a day. I guess Ashley's reading some fan mail. Jacob doesn't care. Silent Mike sits down in a completely scripted moment and announces that their "recording" gig got cancelled for that weekend, and that they now have two days off. Instead of letting the boys all go home for the weekend to see family and friends, they've rented a cabin where the boys will be resting for two days. The boys act surprised. Mike says that the cabin is in Salt Lake City. "No interviewers, no nothing," he says. Except for the camera crew and all of the people that follow O-Town around all the time. Dan asks if he can bring "a friend, or whatever." Trevor tells all the guys to bring their girlfriends, and he'll just sit alone in the cabin jacking off. That's pretty much what he says.
Ashley calls Shrilli. He tells her to come to the cabin for two days. They'll fly her in. The music screeches and Ashley tells us, "Okay! Okay! Don't say anything. Shelli and I are dating again. I know! I know what you're gonna say. So don't, don't say anything." Oh, Ashley. You don't know the seventeen different things I was going to say.
Jacob calls Janie and tells her about the trip. He hopes they get to go snowboarding. He tells us that he's really missed Janie, and hates that they don't get to see much of each other. "So this kind of a trip's gonna be really cool," he says. I don't speak Jacobian, but I think he just told us he's stoked about getting laid.
In another set-up moment, we flip back and forth as both Jacob and Ashley ask their girlfriends to bring friends for Trevor. What about Erik and Dan? Why is Trevor the loser? Ashley tells Shelli to bring lots of warm clothes. Because he won't be trying to take them off her.
Opening credits that have the graphic quality of iMovie.
Salt Lake City. A van rolls up to this cabin as Ashley announces, "Home Sweet Home." It is big and pretty. I am jealous of O-Town for the first time in my life. There are bunk beds, for some reason. Who gets the bunk beds? Erik and Dan? The poor girls who are going to have to pretend to like Trevor to earn their keep?
Trevor's Endeavor
“ Trevor is shallow, and just wants cheerleader pussy for the weekend. So much for Janie's sister Amy now that Jamie is here. I'm gonna have to start calling them Skank One and Skank Two. ”
Trevor and Ashley roll all over each other in one of the beds. "I gotta go find a single bed!" Trevor remembers, and then runs and claims an entire bedroom all to his lonely-ass, selfish self.
Erik cheers over the fireplace. Trevor is still running around like he ate too much candy. Trevor claims a room. Nobody cares.
Ashley confesses that he's already gotten lost inside the house three times. Trevor admits that he likes this house better than he likes their Orlando crib. Trevor wishes again that he had a girlfriend. Jacob actually says this sentence: "Yeah. This is gonna be fun." Jacob is capable of having fun! Stop the presses!
The girls arrive in another van, prompting the boys to shout, "WE HAVE WOMEN!" and suddenly I'm watching some tittie flick from the '80s. Trevor makes some comment again about not having anybody, and one of the boys tells Trevor he brought some pussy for him, too.
The screen has to put titles over every girl when we see her because, except for Shelli, the girls all look exactly the same. Ashley and Shelli hug as Ashley tells us that he's really excited about not having to work for a couple of days.
Dan explains that his friend Krista is just a friend and only a friend because she's a girl and he's gay.
Kat is Erik's friend. She's just a friend. She's only a friend and doesn't endanger Erik's relationship with Ashley in any way.
Trevor admits: "I hang around guys, guys, guys all day, all night." Jacob introduces Janie's younger sister Amy to Trevor. Does anyone else find this kind of gross? The younger sister thrown on Trevor? Trevor tells us that Janie's sister is cute.
Ashley takes Trevor to the balcony to tell him that he also brought some girl for Trevor for the weekend. Her name is Jamie. Fucking Janie, Jamie, Jacob, Amy, Ashley and Shelli. How am I supposed to do this? Anyway, Trevor likes Jamie because Jamie used to be a professional cheerleader for the San Diego Chargers. Trevor is shallow, and just wants cheerleader pussy for the weekend. So much for Janie's sister Amy now that Jamie is here. I'm gonna have to start calling them Skank One and Skank Two. Trevor lies right to our faces and says he's capable of hooking himself up and doesn't need people to bring him potential dates.
“ And why is Trevor wearing some kind of all-access pass? Does he have to show ID to get into the cabin? ”
In the strangest moment of the episode, Trevor walks out on the balcony to find Janie's little sister and one of the other girls dancing like they're playing hopscotch in place. This gets the nod of approval from Trevor, who wants in a woman not only cheerleading skills, but the ability to dance. "Amy gets her groove on," he says. He adds with emphasis: "And she taps!" I don't know a single man who gets turned on by tap dancing. "Double thumbs up for her," Trevor says. I would think if Trevor dated a girl who could dance, he'd be too jealous to perform around her.
Trevor is flirting with Jamie. He whispers, "I want it to snow," so quietly that I have to rewind five times. Jamie agrees that snow is cool. Ashley leans in and points out that both Jamie and Trevor love pizza, so they should have sex right now. Why did I get invited to the O-Town slumber party? It's the lamest party ever. Why can't I be at Ludacris's crib? Trevor wishes that Ashley would chill with the "Chuck Woolery" impression. There is no doubt in my mind that Trevor has no idea who Chuck Woolery is.
Trevor. I know there's a probably 32% chance that you read these recaps. And there's a 98% chance that someone who knows you reads these recaps. So, out of the kindness of my heart I'm about to give you some much-needed advice. You know why you can't score girls? It's not your shallow standards. It's not even about the fact that you've yet to look one of them in the face when she talks to you. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're kind of shy and dorky. It's your t-shirts. Any girl with the slightest amount of respect couldn't ever date a boy wearing a shirt that reads: "It is my duty to please that booty." In this frozen shot in front of me I see you're wearing a shirt that starts with giant letters reading "DRUNK GIRLS." I refuse to read the rest. I also refuse to root for you. Ah. "DRUNK GIRLS DIG ME." See? This is your problem, Trev. Get some fucking dignity, you heard?
And why is Trevor wearing some kind of all-access pass? Does he have to show ID to get into the cabin? Ashley pretends he didn't know that Jacob was also bringing a girl for him. Staged, awkward, fake, whispering ensues.
Oh, man. This episode is a bit painful, guys. You Canadians better be grateful. ["I am! Sars is TiVo-ing the season for me but I'm sure the TiVo's going to blow up in self-defense soon, so I don't expect to get to see that whole thing." -- Wing Chun] Ashley is now sitting on a coffee table, singing sweetly to the love of his life: Trevor. His new song, "All She Wrote," is a total rip-off of Extreme's "More Than Words." It's about a girl who breaks up with a boy through a letter. Ashley explains this to us because he thinks we care. All of the girls are now bored in various parts of the house as they are forced to listen to "harmonizing." The girls deal with the hell by painting their nails, staring off into space, and writing letters that read, "HELP ME. I'm trapped in a cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere with O-Town. I know you have no idea who that is, but when I explain it to you later you will hold me as I sob into your arms. Send help immediately. Love, Jamiejanieamy." Someone convinced Shelli to crimp her hair. Shelli, honey? That person is no friend of yours. Trevor moans to us that he's unhappy that they're working on a "love" song since it's been so long since he's been "you know, kind of...in love." He's having a hard time finding his Kind Of You Know Soulmate. He says it's hard looking at Jacob and Janie and Ashley and Shelli because it makes him want a fake love, too. Someone needs to be kicked off the song because there's a seriously flat voice in that harmony.
Oh, man. I want Shrilli to have her own show. Here's the only good scene in this episode. They're boiling lobsters. Janie shows Shrilli one of the lobsters and calls it Sebastian. "Oh, don't let her get attached to it!" Ashley moans. Shrilli is now wearing a beret, y'all. She holds the lobster and is immediately in love with it. She asks everyone not to cook this one lobster now that she knows its name. One of the girls tells Shrilli she can't just set the lobster free in the house. They corner her and pull the lobster out of her hands. Janie holds the lobster in the air and cackles with power before she boils the lobster. Ashley must now hold the weeping Shrilli who babies, "It's so sad!" I love it. Love it. In her tiny, acid-washed jeans and black beret. All frayed out and ho-ey. Crying over Sebastian the lobster, moments before she eats the shit out of it.
The great lobster depression is immediately followed by the lamest piece of television. I don't even want to recap this, but I will. It's so stupid. Okay. So these people, all of whom, I'm assuming, have graduated high school, are now going to play a game where they basically humiliate Trevor for no reason other than that one of the crew must have asked them to. Trevor has to leave the room so he can't hear what's about to happen. Janie/Jamie/Amy explains to us that Trevor is going to get under a blanket and they're all going to sit on the blanket in a circle around him. Then they're going to tell Trevor that they are thinking of something on him that they want and he has to keep taking off his clothes and handing them articles until he hands them what they want. Of course, they want the blanket that's on him, which they will pull off once he's completely naked. I hope these kids are at least drunk because otherwise...I don't know. This reminds me of the time I won the farting contest at a slumber party in the third grade. I'm not proud. Recapping this isn't a proud moment in my life, either. For some reason, they don't have to blur out Ashley's shirt anymore. Shelli thinks this is all very hysterical. Trevor is under the blanket, and they explain the game to him again. He hands them a shoe. A belt. A necklace. Ashley is screaming, "No! That's not what we wanted!" Trevor says he feels like the blanket is getting smaller. He hands them his pants. They yank up the blanket. He's not naked at all, people. Everyone runs away anyway, because nobody really wants to see Trevor naked. The only person trying to pull the blanket off Trevor is Ashley, by the way. Everyone else is keeping a safe distance. Trevor tells us that the blanket fiasco was quite embarrassing. Trevor asks the girls if they only play that game once a night. One of the skanks tells Trevor that they usually play that game with the only person that would actually take off his clothes. "Which would be you," all of the girls add. "You stupid, desperate, lonely fuckhead," they might as well have added. Ashley asks if he can go . Yes, you can, Ash. Yes, you can.
Jacob is still strumming a guitar somewhere. Janie interrupts him and asks if she can read these letters he wrote for her when they were kids. It's basically a tiny Jacob saying that he likes Janie and he even loves her and he likes her, too. Then she calls him a dork just as Jacob tells us he wishes Trevor had someone special in his life so he knew what it was like for someone to like him.