Wow. After a surprisingly entertaining first episode this season, O-Town counters with this absolutely pointless one. I have to learn to not get too excited after just one episode. Here we go.
Ashley reminds us that their Britney show was awesome. This time, however, he says they were only kicking "butt." "Everything is flowing," he tells us, as we watch Ashley slam his fists into his pelvis as he repeatedly thrusts his crotch toward the audience. We see shots of the crowd cheering for Britney.
Close-up on the doorknob. It turns. The door opens. It's Trevor. Are we having a surprise party for Trevor? What's with the doorknob close-up? The boys all congratulate themselves on an ass-kicking show, except Dan, who admits that it wasn't all that great. The boys don't listen to Dan. Silent Mike walks in and tells the guys that the choreography was sloppy. Cue the sad music as the boys laugh that they'll never please Mike on the Mike. Silent Mike hikes up his sleeves and holds up a videotape. He reforms his opinion on the choreography, changing his wording from "a little bit sloppy" to "very, very sloppy." He says he's going to schedule some choreography rehearsals with Ed. The boys aren't really listening at this point. I'm not either, because most of them have their shirts off.
Tour bus. The boys are watching the videotape of the show. Jacob's pretending to be the best dancer, saying who's got "sloppy" arms and shit. I love how he's only watching everyone else's mistakes, thinking what he's doing are the right moves. And while I'm on the subject of Jacob, last night I got to thinking: is it the record company making him look like that? Because I know when you sign a contract, the label starts dictating how you look. Do you think the label actually wants Jacob to look that skanky? I mean, the bolts in the earlobes, the elbow tattoos, the hair that looks like some kind of sea anemone? Are these things all on purpose? Is he "carefully crafted" to win some tween's heart? Because I don't get it. I don't know who would find Jacob to be the sexiest. You can't run your hands over anything Jacob. You could get scabies. The boys all start pointing and laughing at the tape of Ashley breaking into this run-walk move he does where his hands are up by his ears and he looks like he's surprised to take his first steps. Ashley dubs this "The Happy Dance," and convinces himself that this could be his signature move. No, Ashley. Your move is "The Naked Dance." Now get on it.
Mike on the Mike are having a meeting on the tour bus. Check out this bullshit. "XL," whoever that is, wants to run a promotion with the boys in Orlando. They will hold a contest to find one "singer" with "talent" and then host this person in their home for a week. The winner will go to rehearsals and a show and blah, blah, blah and then at the end of the week the winner will have a showcase where he or she will sing for nobody. Why? Who does this help? Of course the boys don't want to deal with this, and are more concerned about their own careers and everything. Mike on the Mike tell them they have to, and that whenever they have a meeting, it's not to find out their opinions to come to an agreement, but rather to inform the boys what's going to happen to them . They tell the boys that promotion is just as important as performance, so the performance will suffer this week so that some radio station in Orlando is happy. Does Mike on the Mike understand that this show will suffer this week as well? Because this makes for some boring programming. Boston Mike's accent is sliding. Where did it go? Because they assume we're idiots, Boston Mike explains what's going to happen, and then Ashley explains it to us again. Except Ashley lets it slip that the winner will be a boy, where Boston Mike was trying to be all unisex with his use of third-person plural pronouns. Jacob and Erik celebrate the idea that they get to yell at this new kid on the block.
Orlando. Some DJ allows himself to be called "Chad Pitt." I'm filled with DJ hate again. XL is a radio station, XL-106.7. Why would O-Town be so concerned with promoting inside Orlando? Is the Orlando demographic really that important? The DJ explains the audition and the contest a-fucking-gain while we see a line of people who are most likely waiting to get inside Universal Studios and not waiting to audition, since most of them haven't even bothered to look decent, and almost all of them appear to be over twenty years old.
Ignoring the comic gold that is the audition montage, we cut right to the five finalists; for some reason, Dan and the boys have to explain to us again that they are going to watch the five finalists audition and then pick a winner. Ashley explains to us that this is a "role reversal," because now he's auditioning a boy instead of auditioning himself. Is everyone following this high concept? Great. Erik then explains again: "We're auditioning guys." Because I forgot what was happening. Damn this narcolepsy. Thank God MTV caters to the brain-dead demographic, or I'd forget what I was watching. Trevor tells us this makes him flash back to when he was auditioning for Lou. We see a flashback, all in black-and-white so we don't get confused and think that Trevor is auditioning for Trevor to play Trevor in The Trevor Story. I've never seen Trevor's audition before. I can't believe he still made it even with that strange hand motion he did on "I'll be twenty in ten days."
Paul is finalist #1. He's nineteen and works in real estate. Sure he does. All five finalists are boys, each one catered to the tastes of the O-Town boys. Paul's shaking like a leaf. He messes up, swallows, stammers and tries to keep going with the O-Town karaoke as Jacob tells us that these boys are pretty nervous. Jacob tells us, "You gotta handle, handle your nerves." I smell a single!
Finalist #2 is Jason, eighteen. His goal is "to become famous." Jason looks like a Gary DellAbate who is able to sing the lyric "morph-erotic dream" without it sounding like "muff-erotic." He's standing too close to the boys while he sings, and his Thriller-like jacket is appealing only to Jacob. Ashley wishes that the finalists were singing to other songs. "They're auditioning with our music," he says. No, Ash, they're auditioning with Diane Warren's music.
J.D. is Finalist #3. He's twenty-four and works for an animation studio. Gee, I wonder which animation studio is in Orlando? I can't imagine. His voice doesn't warble, even when he screws up and coos, "My bad." The boys love him and hate him equally.
Finalist #4 is Michael. He's twenty-one and a Musical Theatre major. I appreciate that whoever does the titles spelled it "theatre." Michael is incredibly sweaty. Here comes the great line from Erik: "I couldn't help but just look at the guys and just see a little bit of myself in them." Y'all, when they hand me lines like that, it feels just too easy to make the joke. It's too easy. I won't do it. You've already done it in your head. We'll move on together. Ashley tells us that he already knows who these boys are because they have dreams just like he did. Ashley uses the past tense here to let us know that all of his dreams have already come true. All of them. Ashley is done with dreaming. That's so sad.
Scott is Finalist #5. He's twenty-three and a "Disney World Performer." I'm pretty sure he's also a Chippendale's dancer. Where's Lou? Ashley has to talk into a microphone for some reason to tell the guys that they're going to compare notes and come to a decision in a few minutes. The finalists are ushered out of the room. Dan tells us that he wasn't looking forward to making the decision. We cut to black-and-white to flashback to when Dan was first cut.
The finalists are sitting at a table somewhere all facing out toward the camera.
Ashley informs the boys that he was impressed by certain things about each finalist. Isn't that helpful? Trevor says that there wasn't one person who stood out. Just like O-Town. Trevor finally breaks down and admits, "I like the third guy -- J.D." We see J.D. sing again, this time without his screw-up. His voice goes up and down as he sings "All Or Nothing," jumping his voice like he's getting spanked. "He interpreted the song," Trevor corrects me. Erik adds that when J.D. started singing his "rendition," Erik found himself listening. Unlike the other finalists where Erik was daydreaming about being back in bed with Ash, I guess. Jacob says that J.D. "obviously had the most experience with...uh, music." "Uh, music." That's what they create. Trevor says that #1 could dance. Paul's dance moves are best described as "*NSYNC In Restraints." Ashley thinks that #2 was the best dancer. There's a black-and-white flashback of Jason dancing. It's so bad I have to turn my head away from the television screen. Imagine Janet Jackson dancing inside Gary Coleman. There you go. Then Trevor says that #4 was a pretty good dancer as well. Michael does a few moves from Britney's Slave 4 U video, complete with hula-girl butt-shimmy. He even feels himself up. Erik says that the boys should just start their own group.
Out in the waiting area (and I'm aware that this is the only place where any boy on this show is officially "out"), the finalists debate what the boys of O-Town must be looking for. Helpful J.D. notes, "Well, I bet they saw something in each one of us." I'll skip the obvious joke again. Poor Scott thinks that this contest is some kind of stepping stone where after O-Town they'll be the ...what, Usher? Who do they think they'll become? Brian McKnight? I don't even know who Brian McKnight is. They just keep mentioning him on this show.
Erik asks whether they're looking for some kind of "all-around performer" like #5. The stripper-boy is all up in O-Town's faces in the flashback, crooning to each and every one of them like he's been paid to embarrass them. Trevor laughs at how ridiculous Scott was being, but Ashley explains that Scott was just trying to show his confidence. So that's what it was. Ashley explains to us again that this is a tough decision because they have to pick one, and there are five of them. The finalists are brought back into the room so that we can go to commercial.
What the hell does this have to do with the making of a boy band? And is this the first commercial break? Why does MTV hate me so much?
Jacob starts by thanking all of the finalists, telling them that they know exactly how the finalists feel. We get another flashback to the boys waiting to find out whether they are finalists, all in black-and-white with just as much missing tension. J.D. is the winner. He tells us that he was shocked when they said his name. He tells us that it feels "awesome" to be the winner. We see J.D. try to hug Jacob without actually touching him. J.D. tells us a few times that he doesn't know how to say what he feels because he doesn't know what to say. He didn't expect this because he didn't expect it.
Some kind of Royal Tenenbaums rip-off music plays as the title reads "Life With O-Town: Day One." J.D. casually knocks on the front door of O-Town Manor. The boys welcome him into the living room with more hugs. J.D. admits to us that he doesn't think he's doing a good job of playing it cool. There's an awkward couch/coffee table introduction thing that ends with Ashley shaking his head thinking, "Why is this douche in our house for a week? When does the madness end?"
Does Trevor have a cold? Why does his voice sound like he doesn't have a nose? The boys are back in the rehearsal room with Ed doing the same "something, something, move, move, move" routine as last week. Either we're watching the same footage, or Trevor and Jacob are really having a hard time with the rodeo move where they slap an imaginary girl's ass. J.D. watches. Jacob tells us that Ed is good for "morale," which must be code for "dancing." Jacob says you can tell the difference after they work with Ed. J.D. mimes the moves in his seat, hoping for his big break.
"Life with O-Town: Day Two." Are you all having fun yet? Wake up. In the kitchen, our eyes are tortured with images of half-naked Jacob, who sports way too many tattoos. J.D. informs the boys that there are girls who follow them around, and who were outside the Orlando auditions. In this totally fake moment, J.D. "interviews" the "fans" and asks them "questions" about their "love" of "O-Town." The girls say that to be in their club you can't be a "teenybopper" and cry when you see O-Town. J.D. gives a weird knowing look that comes straight from the porn he's going to shoot year. These girls are way too old to be O-Town fans. One girl explains the difference between being a fan and being a teenybopper. From the constant barrage of differences they shout out, the only thing that seems to set them apart is crying. We go to a split-screen so that the editing crew can make an inside joke to us: "This year's fan was last year's teenybopper." J.D. asks Erik whether it's weird to have those fans. Jacob says it was weird for a while, but that if he had the opportunity just to sit and chill and watch one of his favorite bands rehearse, he'd think it was pretty cool. I don't think Jacob understood the question. Erik did, however, and explains that it's pretty cool to have hot girls running and screaming for him everywhere. Jacob excuses himself from the conversation. Erik's voice gets all serious as he says, "They're thirteen and fourteen, you know?" J.D.'s all, "Right, right? But did you fuck them?" He goes, "Really?" and without skipping a second, Erik goes, "No, actually, that's a lie." Because Erik has fucked them, and he can't admit to having that much underage sex here on MTV's new Hook-Up. He has to save that for his episode of Dismissed.
J.D. and Ashley "get real" here, talking about how much it sucks to not have your father believe in your artistic vision. Ashley loves J.D. J.D. loves Ashley.
J.D. is on a lunch date with Dan in a tiny café during a rainstorm. J.D. asks Dan if he had a hard time fitting in since he came in so late. Dan says that he was yelling at them on the second day for being late, but eventually they stopped hating him and resenting him and it is now, officially, "all good."
"Life with O-Town: Day Three." I don't know what's going on because people are taking their shirts off again. Dan tells J.D. that he should be spending less time crashing their rehearsals and more time working on his own upcoming showcase. He says it's all mental right now. They ask what he's going to sing. He says he's singing, "A nice little ballad called Do You Dream of Me?" Ashley asks him to sing a little. After a quick protest, he sings into the locker room. The boys shut him up before they start crying. They're all, "Okay. That's all." Ashley gives a penny's worth of unsolicited advice by telling J.D. that the major turning point in his "career" was when he learned how to breathe properly. And when he figured out how to calm his gag reflex. For no reason at all, J.D. starts slowly exhaling, as if he just now remembered this "breathing" thing singers have been blessed with. Black-and-white flashback to the boys learning how to breathe. The vocal coach holds Ashley gently by the back of his neck, telling him to drop his jaw. Now, I just described that scene. Reading that, did you see Ashley standing before the coach, or kneeling? Just wondering. Ashley gives J.D. a piece of a paper and challenges him to blow on it steadily, keeping it stuck to the wall as long as possible. They dare him to try to blow longer than Trevor. Trevor and J.D. inhale and both blow as long as they can, slowly and steadily, blowing as best as they can, just like they were taught, with all the passion their young hearts can muster. The other boys snap and count and cheer on their friends' blowing, impressed with the blowing skills. Jealous, perhaps, of the mouth control, the lung capacity, the jaw-dropping skills. Unable to keep still any longer, J.D. reaches his hand out and pushes the back of Trevor's head. Trevor pushes on J.D.'s torso. They wrestle with each other as they blow, daring not to look each other in the eyes, keeping their mouths focused on their targets. Eventually Trevor must stop blowing, which makes J.D. only win the blow-off by default. The boys cry foul play. And I'm spent.
Back in rehearsal, the boys are working on a segment that involves the word "control" sung at a horrible pitch. J.D. is on the phone getting fired from his "animation studio." They're all, "How long are you gonna be hanging with that ninth-rate boy band?" The animation studio is too embarrassed to have J.D. back there. J.D. has gone Billie Jean on them, shouting, "Fair is fair," determined not to leave these boys who have taught him so much about blowing and sucking. J.D. tells the boys of O-Town that he was just canned, prompting the best line of the episode from Erik: "Dude! That's your job!" Like they can't fire you when it's your job. I love it.
After the commercial, the boys are still asking J.D. about getting fired. He admits that he has no idea what he's going to do now. Erik tells J.D. that music is very important to all of them, and since O-Town had to sacrifice "everything," he now has to as well. J.D. must have a trust fund. Ashley tells us that J.D. has both talent and personality. Really? Where?
Life with O-Town: On Tour with Britney Spears. Boston. Britney is now better at dropping by the O-Town basement on her way to her dressing room, wishing the guys good luck. She says, "I'll see y'all later." She quickly adds, "In the halls and stuff," so they don't mistakenly think they just got invited to the after-party. The boys are instantly apologetic that they didn't introduce J.D. to Britney. They pull her back to the door so Britney can say hi. J.D. runs back into the room freaking out that Britney said his name, even though she was still talking to him as he turned around. Britney goes right back to work, never giving another thought to J.D. for the rest of her life. "If I were you, I wouldn't set any more goals," Jacob says, wearing the worst hat he's ever worn. "I don't think you're that lucky," he concludes.
Speaking of luck, we watch the boys in concert clipped with footage of the crowd cheering for Britney. J.D. watches, pretending for the camera not to be insanely bored. I still see him twiddle his thumbs at one point. Trevor explains that the performance we're watching is one where they "gelled," helped by the rehearsals they decided to have before this performance. I see no difference.
Back in Orlando, it's time for "J.D.'s Big Day." Do we care? Are we supposed to? I ask again, what does this have to do with the making of a boy band? Dan asks Mike on the Mike if they're coming to J.D.'s performance. They both admit at the same time that they had absolutely no intention of wasting their time at some shitty Orlando club at six on a Sunday to watch J.D. sing two songs for his mom and some friends. Dan tells Mike on the Mike that they should go -- mostly, I'm assuming because the two Mikes were the ones who made J.D. have to live with them for a week in the first place. Fuck if they don't have to go see this entire thing out. If O-Town has to be there, the fucking Mikes should have to be there. Dan also mentions that J.D.'s singing is pretty good, and that they might find something interesting in J.D. But I think mostly they just want to make sure the Mikes have to go since they've been dealing with this boring boy for a week now. The Mikes promise to "try" to make it.
Chad Pitt narrates what's happening again for us. But we remember. Because unlike the Mikes and Chad, we've had to be there the entire week with this boy. The place is called City Jazz. J.D. has really dressed up for tonight's show, wearing an orange baseball shirt. There's a hint of hair gel. He tells the boys that he's pretty nervous.
O-Town is announced so that they can introduce J.D. We can see that Mike on the Mike did show up and are hanging out backstage. J.D. sings a really crappy pop ballad with a shaky voice and trembling legs. He misses his first note's cue. He tells us in a voice-over that his hands were sweaty and his knees were shaking. Mike on the Mike whisper to each other backstage that the best thing to do would be to pretend that the kid has some talent by inviting him into a meeting and then tie it up with "other meetings" until he decides to go back into animation. Ashley tells us he's very excited for J.D. because he has the rest of his life in front of him to be so talented.
Cut to the "meeting" where Mike on the Mike lie to J.D. and tell him that they're going to discuss the possibility of working with J.D. in the future. There's no "deal"; there's just "work" on "finding" something.
Cut back to J.D. finishing his ballad, but we don't have to go to black-and-white, for some reason. J.D. tells us that this is what he wants to do with his life, and that getting the chance to experience his dream makes him so fortunate. O-Town hugs him in front of the crowd of twenty-five.
The boys all hug J.D. again, this time in a parking lot. I think J.D.'s hugged each of these guys ten times this episode. Ashley explains to us that this was a chance to let someone get the same chance they got. He hopes that J.D. can rise above this chance for a chance to have more chances in the future. More hugging. "At least I know your songs now," J.D. says to the group. "You know our choreography?" Erik asks. "No," J.D. laughs, patting Erik on the pec, showing him that he's safe for now. "That's okay, neither does Ashley," Jacob says, and everybody gives the required "ooh!" noise, including me. More hugging. J.D. tells us that in a couple of weeks he'll be lying in bed thinking about this. I'll leave that third joke totally alone. Speaking of totally alone, that's where they leave J.D. The van drives off, and J.D.'s all alone in a parking lot -- just him and his chances and his new blowing skills. What will he do? I don't fucking care.
week maybe we'll get back to the subplot of a boy band trying to make it in the music industry. If we're lucky.