Home, Where My Music Ain't Playin'

Sorry that this recap took longer than usual, but when I realized in this Ashley-centric episode for the first time that Ashley's last name is, in fact, "Angel," I had to lie down for a very long time. It's so not right.

Previously on Making the Band: Like. Ashley's dad hated him. Shrilli wouldn't "be with" him anymore. Like. Ashley cried in a hallway. Jacob didn't want to be a backup dancer and thought his music isn't art. He wants to be an artist. I say let the boy paint, then. Save my ears the trouble.

From the tour bus, Ashley gives his mom a call. She sounds like a member of the Lollipop Guild. Ashley says that he's been trying to call all morning, but that nobody picks up. Ashley's mom stalls, asking him what time he called, so she can figure out an excuse. It's called "Caller ID," Ash. Sorry your parents hate you, but they do. As Ashley tells his mother his arrival time in Redding, he tells us that his family has been very supportive, except his dad. Ashley asks his mother whether his dad might be able to meet him at the airport as well. Ashley's mother is a horrible liar: "You know what? I was gonna say he's got...something going on that he, that he already made a commitment that he's already got to be someplace else." Ashley says the word "like" about seventeen times to say that he feels that home is starting to slip away because he's so busy and nobody really has time for him. Ashley's mom spins some sort of wisdom without saying anything, just like her son: "Oh. You know, it seems like one thing's for sure. Things are always changing, like, you have to move forward. You have to keep changing." Translation: we changed the locks and rented out your room, kid. You can't go home again.

Jacob, who's not really in the band anymore, paints his fingernails black and silver and then calls his friend Pat. Through the phone we hear Pat compliment Jacob's hair, so we know that Pat's a total moron as well. Jacob tells us that Pat is the guitarist for Jacob's old band. Jacob had a band before O-Town. Some fun facts that I know only keep me up late at night, tossing and turning, fearing the future of music. It's white do-rag day for Jacob. I wonder how many bandannas these kids have. Jacob tells us: "I was about eighteen when we started writing music together." He's like, nineteen now, right? Just checking. "And we really got each other. We wrote about things we mutually liked. Songs just happened for us." Clearly they used to date. Oh, God. Jacob's "plan" is to invite Pat to see a show on the tour and then invite Pat onstage so that he and Jacob can do one of their old songs together. Do these kids really think that their fans will put up with anything? This is not Tom Petty and Axl Rose doing "Free Fallin'." This is a horrible idea. Jacob lies to Pat on the phone and says, "Well, dude, this could be huge for both of us." We hear Jacob talking, but they show a shot of him listening as he tells Pat they could do a "collaboration of some songs" to put together to give to "the right dude." Jacob asks whether Pat's up for it. Here's the reply we hear over the phone as Jacob smiles, licks his lips and blushes: "Am I up for it, dude? I...I wanna...Dude. I like -- every day, dude. I just like -- Dude. I wanna work with Jacob. Dude." Jacob says that every day he needs to write music. God, I hate Jacob so much, y'all. I really do. I just can't stand his ass face. He actually says, without any hint of knowing what a complete jack hole he is, "I wanna write things on the side. I need to express what I'm feeling. I need to write music because it's just a part of me. I's [sic] just...need to do that. It's just too much a part of me to give it up." Then give up the rest and go write some songs somewhere far away. Go follow your dream, Jacob. You need to. Then, for some reason, we have to watch Jacob hold a guitar for thirteen seconds, but luckily there's no sound coming out of the guitar.

Ashley walks through a crowd of six girls and says, "Bye, you guys!" in that voice we use when we try to get two-year-olds to say "Night-night." There are more security men around Ashley than actual fans. An added bonus: the security guards have their faces blurred, because absolutely everyone wants to remain anonymous through this entire debacle. Ashley says goodbye to more invisible girls as they continue to pipe in the sounds of young girls screaming. My ears have suffered permanent damage from the constant repetition of young girls screaming in just about every single show I recap. Ashley touches girls as he walks by, not looking at anyone. Silent Cleve looks nervous when Ashley doesn't notice he puts his hand right on the chest of a screaming nine-year-old. Luckily she wasn't even looking at Ashley while she was screaming and she doesn't notice he just touched her unformed boobie. Silent Cleve exhales at the close call. People shove Ashley into a limo as the girls look at the camera and scream, instead of looking at Ashley. They're more excited about being on the show than being near the kid from 98 Degrees or some shit.

They make the kids chase Ashley's limo but this is really coming off like a Foo Fighters video now. One girl's even holding a balloon, y'all. Ashley keeps waving from the top of his limo even though nobody is following his car. That's so sad. The department store is called "Gottschalks," or something like that. Even sadder.

Back in Los Angeles, Silent Mike is unhappy. I guess we're watching this scene in a mirror or something because Jacob's clothing is reversed and the saftey-pinned collar bouquet is on his other shoulder. He's asking Silent Mike whether he may play his song with Pat at the concert. He's trying to make it sound like nobody will even notice and it won't take up anyone's time. Lie, and lie. Silent Mike's eyes are rolling. Jacob tells us he was hesitant to ask Silent Mike because he might not be able to see it through Jacob's eyes. Those are Jacob's words, not mine. Jacob tells us that Silent Mike was actually interested in it. What actually happens is that Silent Mike says no, and that maybe they could do it in San Diego, hoping that Jacob will have forgotten this idea by then or that the tour will be cancelled before that date. Boston Mike yawns, having dodged that bullet.

Ashley hugs his mother at the airport and asks her what she thought of the appearance. Ashley's mom says something about " amazing," but Ashley interrupts her to say he called home and his father answered the phone. Ashley's mother moans, "Ohhhhh," as if she knows that Ashley's about to tell her that he's not allowed home anymore. Ashley says that it was hard talking to his father. Also, I guess he's figured out that his dad was lying, and that he didn't have anything to do that day. Ashley asks his mother to talk to his father for him. She says she will. "I love you, Mom," Ashley says and hugs her. He tells us that something's always going to be missing.

On the tour bus, Ashley tells us that he and his father need to have a conversation. He says that he's on his way to San Diego to meet up with the guys, and then they're on their way to Redding for their concert appearance. He doesn't want to leave Redding this time unless he gets to talk to his dad. We fade to commercial.

This episode and the last one really bored me. I think that this show has hit a terrible lull. What? Only two episodes left? I'll try to hang on.

Man. Jacob and Pat are killing me. Killing me. Killing. Me. Kill. Pat's playing guitar as Jacob's wailing some song he's written into his special journal. He tells us that they've been working on some songs. Thank goodness we only have to hear part of the one. Jacob says that he's working on music because he finds it to be a release, and now that he's in O-Town, music doesn't always get to be a release. He works with Pat on his "down time" so that he still has that outlet. Considering how little of Jacob we see at group appearances on this show, I'm thinking Jacob's got a box set of albums with Pat ready to go by now. Jacob explains that Pat "writes the music on guitar" and Jacob adds the words. Close-up on Pat, and we see how much he's in love with Jacob. Dude, he's just like...like, dude...he...Dude, like, dude, dude, love, dude. Love. How can you love a boy with silver nail polish? Jacob's in pain whenever he sings, too. Pat stops playing the guitar to tell Jacob, "That is so awesome. I love that so much." Pat loves Jacob so much.

Sea World. San Diego. A polar bear licks the words "O-Town" off his tank wall. Even the bear's like, "Fuck no. Get those kids out of here. I'm eating this shaving cream off my tank." I love that these boys have to play Sea World.

Some road manager is giving the kids the lowdown right before they go on stage. Their green room here looks like an Econo Lodge lobby. Silent Cleve looks around. He only has that one pull-up jacket, by the way. The road manager is telling the boys how to avoid looking like they're lip-synching, I think. Jacob tells us that even though he's a member of O-Town, he still wants to be "Jacob" and doesn't want to lose his identity. I hate you, Jacob. I hate you in my best Cartman voice. Erik tells us that he can look at Jacob and see he's nervous. He says that he'd feel the same way if he were trying something new in front of his hometown.

The boys' opening dance move when the show starts is so funny I have to watch it four times. It's like Bob Fosse went, "Wait. How fucking dumb can I make an eight count? I just totally want to fuck around and pretend I suck. Here." They all jump together and spring out into a line, but Trevor's got his tongue hanging down to his chin and they look like a parody of a parody of a boy band. Screaming girls stand to comatose parents in the audience. Poor audience parents. They boys sing poorly in front of a "band," which I think is a drummer and two guitarists.

Backstage, Silent Mike is asking Pat whether he's okay. We get subtitles here, because it's hard to hear over the horrible music playing in the background. Pat's thanking Silent Mike over and over again for giving him this "opportunity." Later in his life, Pat will refer to this night as "The Lawsuit." Onstage, Jacob is warbling away, unaware that we are all praying he'll stop. People stand around. Older women think, "If I squint enough, he almost reminds me of Donnie Wahlberg. No. If I squint that much I can't see anything. Oh, wait. If I close my eyes and then plug in my ears like this...it almost doesn't suck."

Jacob. I'll just let his stupidity drip down all over you. You don't need me here. "All right! I wanna do something special for my home crowd. You know what? I used to write music here. And, you know, I've basically been living in San Diego my whole life. And now that I'm home I wanna play something that I wrote here. So, I'm gonna bring one of my best friends out. Pat, come out here." Pat's already out there, though, and he sits on a chair. Jacob announces that this song is called "Let Me Be." Jacob's other songs include "Eleanor Rig Bee," "Norwegian Would" and "Tacksman." He is the walrus. A group of girls scream, "I love you, Jacob!" Jacob looks up and smiles. "I love you, too. And I hope you love this." I haven't used the word "barf" in like, a good sixteen years, but...man. Barf.

Pat and Jacob play their song. It's bad. They've even got Erik out there singing backup. Jacob tells us that the audience enjoyed it as much as they did. This song is like bad Pearl Jam. My roommate runs down the hall screaming, "You turn that shit off or we'll get evicted!"