Sorry that this recap took longer than usual, but when I realized in this Ashley-centric episode for the first time that Ashley's last name is, in fact, "Angel," I had to lie down for a very long time. It's so not right.
Previously on Making the Band: Like. Ashley's dad hated him. Shrilli wouldn't "be with" him anymore. Like. Ashley cried in a hallway. Jacob didn't want to be a backup dancer and thought his music isn't art. He wants to be an artist. I say let the boy paint, then. Save my ears the trouble.
From the tour bus, Ashley gives his mom a call. She sounds like a member of the Lollipop Guild. Ashley says that he's been trying to call all morning, but that nobody picks up. Ashley's mom stalls, asking him what time he called, so she can figure out an excuse. It's called "Caller ID," Ash. Sorry your parents hate you, but they do. As Ashley tells his mother his arrival time in Redding, he tells us that his family has been very supportive, except his dad. Ashley asks his mother whether his dad might be able to meet him at the airport as well. Ashley's mother is a horrible liar: "You know what? I was gonna say he's got...something going on that he, that he already made a commitment that he's already got to be someplace else." Ashley says the word "like" about seventeen times to say that he feels that home is starting to slip away because he's so busy and nobody really has time for him. Ashley's mom spins some sort of wisdom without saying anything, just like her son: "Oh. You know, it seems like one thing's for sure. Things are always changing, like, you have to move forward. You have to keep changing." Translation: we changed the locks and rented out your room, kid. You can't go home again.
Jacob, who's not really in the band anymore, paints his fingernails black and silver and then calls his friend Pat. Through the phone we hear Pat compliment Jacob's hair, so we know that Pat's a total moron as well. Jacob tells us that Pat is the guitarist for Jacob's old band. Jacob had a band before O-Town. Some fun facts that I know only keep me up late at night, tossing and turning, fearing the future of music. It's white do-rag day for Jacob. I wonder how many bandannas these kids have. Jacob tells us: "I was about eighteen when we started writing music together." He's like, nineteen now, right? Just checking. "And we really got each other. We wrote about things we mutually liked. Songs just happened for us." Clearly they used to date. Oh, God. Jacob's "plan" is to invite Pat to see a show on the tour and then invite Pat onstage so that he and Jacob can do one of their old songs together. Do these kids really think that their fans will put up with anything? This is not Tom Petty and Axl Rose doing "Free Fallin'." This is a horrible idea. Jacob lies to Pat on the phone and says, "Well, dude, this could be huge for both of us." We hear Jacob talking, but they show a shot of him listening as he tells Pat they could do a "collaboration of some songs" to put together to give to "the right dude." Jacob asks whether Pat's up for it. Here's the reply we hear over the phone as Jacob smiles, licks his lips and blushes: "Am I up for it, dude? I...I wanna...Dude. I like -- every day, dude. I just like -- Dude. I wanna work with Jacob. Dude." Jacob says that every day he needs to write music. God, I hate Jacob so much, y'all. I really do. I just can't stand his ass face. He actually says, without any hint of knowing what a complete jack hole he is, "I wanna write things on the side. I need to express what I'm feeling. I need to write music because it's just a part of me. I's [sic] just...need to do that. It's just too much a part of me to give it up." Then give up the rest and go write some songs somewhere far away. Go follow your dream, Jacob. You need to. Then, for some reason, we have to watch Jacob hold a guitar for thirteen seconds, but luckily there's no sound coming out of the guitar.
Redding, California. Ashley drops out of a tiny jet to find his mother. Daddy didn't show. Ashley pouts to us that it's important to him that his father is there and he just isn't. Why did Cleve go to Redding with Ashley? Ashley's all, "This is Cleve," and Ashley's mother has to shake Silent Cleve's hand and it's very strange. These boys all need some serious father figures in their lives. Ashley talks about his dad for another second and starts to tear up. He tells us that "it's tough."
Cleve is with Ashley because he's doing an "appearance" all by himself in Redding. Money must be running out of they can't even send all of them out for appearances anymore. Sending Ashley and Cleve out on a crap-ass jet while Jacob works on his fall-back career, Dan and Trevor wander through a winery somewhere and Erik shops for the newest cream American Flag sweaters. We're told that Ashley's at a "Department Store Promotion," for a "Personal Appearance." He stands through the top of a limo and waves as about sixty or so girls scream and wave back. It's not too impressive. I love that the department store doesn't even want to be mentioned here because it makes no difference and they don't want any further affiliation with their hometown hero. Ashley tells us that people don't look at him the same way anymore. That's because you're wearing your hair like George Michael, kid. Ashley says that people stare and say, "You're him." I love that ambiguous "him." It makes it sound like Ashley's famous in Redding not for O-Town, but for being the boy that once fucked a ham at the Thanksgiving Day parade. Ashley stands on a chair and takes a picture of ten girls. This department store didn't get the rush of people they were hoping for on this gig. "I'm coming back home a celebrity," Ashley wishes. Pre-teens hug Ashley and smile through tears as he signs things for them.
"You slept in a tent in the parking lot," Ashley says to one girl. "You have to get a hug for that." As Ashley stands and hugs the young girl, Silent Cleve immediately puts his hand on the small of Ashley's back and scolds, "We don't have time for hugs, either. We just...we can't." Heh. Cleve's all jealous. Ashley doesn't listen, and hugs the girl in line because she's crying. I think Silent Cleve's just worried about a lawsuit. "Big Shot Rock Star Ham Fucker Hugs Eleven-Year-Old Too Hard. Rock Star's Fatherless Heartbroken Boyfriend Paints Misspelled Graffiti On Wal-Mart Parking Lot." We focus on the crying teen for so long it starts to look like she's upset because she was forced to meet Ashley.
Ashley walks through a crowd of six girls and says, "Bye, you guys!" in that voice we use when we try to get two-year-olds to say "Night-night." There are more security men around Ashley than actual fans. An added bonus: the security guards have their faces blurred, because absolutely everyone wants to remain anonymous through this entire debacle. Ashley says goodbye to more invisible girls as they continue to pipe in the sounds of young girls screaming. My ears have suffered permanent damage from the constant repetition of young girls screaming in just about every single show I recap. Ashley touches girls as he walks by, not looking at anyone. Silent Cleve looks nervous when Ashley doesn't notice he puts his hand right on the chest of a screaming nine-year-old. Luckily she wasn't even looking at Ashley while she was screaming and she doesn't notice he just touched her unformed boobie. Silent Cleve exhales at the close call. People shove Ashley into a limo as the girls look at the camera and scream, instead of looking at Ashley. They're more excited about being on the show than being near the kid from 98 Degrees or some shit.
They make the kids chase Ashley's limo but this is really coming off like a Foo Fighters video now. One girl's even holding a balloon, y'all. Ashley keeps waving from the top of his limo even though nobody is following his car. That's so sad. The department store is called "Gottschalks," or something like that. Even sadder.
Back in Los Angeles, Silent Mike is unhappy. I guess we're watching this scene in a mirror or something because Jacob's clothing is reversed and the saftey-pinned collar bouquet is on his other shoulder. He's asking Silent Mike whether he may play his song with Pat at the concert. He's trying to make it sound like nobody will even notice and it won't take up anyone's time. Lie, and lie. Silent Mike's eyes are rolling. Jacob tells us he was hesitant to ask Silent Mike because he might not be able to see it through Jacob's eyes. Those are Jacob's words, not mine. Jacob tells us that Silent Mike was actually interested in it. What actually happens is that Silent Mike says no, and that maybe they could do it in San Diego, hoping that Jacob will have forgotten this idea by then or that the tour will be cancelled before that date. Boston Mike yawns, having dodged that bullet.
Ashley hugs his mother at the airport and asks her what she thought of the appearance. Ashley's mom says something about " amazing," but Ashley interrupts her to say he called home and his father answered the phone. Ashley's mother moans, "Ohhhhh," as if she knows that Ashley's about to tell her that he's not allowed home anymore. Ashley says that it was hard talking to his father. Also, I guess he's figured out that his dad was lying, and that he didn't have anything to do that day. Ashley asks his mother to talk to his father for him. She says she will. "I love you, Mom," Ashley says and hugs her. He tells us that something's always going to be missing.
On the tour bus, Ashley tells us that he and his father need to have a conversation. He says that he's on his way to San Diego to meet up with the guys, and then they're on their way to Redding for their concert appearance. He doesn't want to leave Redding this time unless he gets to talk to his dad. We fade to commercial.
This episode and the last one really bored me. I think that this show has hit a terrible lull. What? Only two episodes left? I'll try to hang on.
Man. Jacob and Pat are killing me. Killing me. Killing. Me. Kill. Pat's playing guitar as Jacob's wailing some song he's written into his special journal. He tells us that they've been working on some songs. Thank goodness we only have to hear part of the one. Jacob says that he's working on music because he finds it to be a release, and now that he's in O-Town, music doesn't always get to be a release. He works with Pat on his "down time" so that he still has that outlet. Considering how little of Jacob we see at group appearances on this show, I'm thinking Jacob's got a box set of albums with Pat ready to go by now. Jacob explains that Pat "writes the music on guitar" and Jacob adds the words. Close-up on Pat, and we see how much he's in love with Jacob. Dude, he's just like...like, dude...he...Dude, like, dude, dude, love, dude. Love. How can you love a boy with silver nail polish? Jacob's in pain whenever he sings, too. Pat stops playing the guitar to tell Jacob, "That is so awesome. I love that so much." Pat loves Jacob so much.
Sea World. San Diego. A polar bear licks the words "O-Town" off his tank wall. Even the bear's like, "Fuck no. Get those kids out of here. I'm eating this shaving cream off my tank." I love that these boys have to play Sea World.
Some road manager is giving the kids the lowdown right before they go on stage. Their green room here looks like an Econo Lodge lobby. Silent Cleve looks around. He only has that one pull-up jacket, by the way. The road manager is telling the boys how to avoid looking like they're lip-synching, I think. Jacob tells us that even though he's a member of O-Town, he still wants to be "Jacob" and doesn't want to lose his identity. I hate you, Jacob. I hate you in my best Cartman voice. Erik tells us that he can look at Jacob and see he's nervous. He says that he'd feel the same way if he were trying something new in front of his hometown.
The boys' opening dance move when the show starts is so funny I have to watch it four times. It's like Bob Fosse went, "Wait. How fucking dumb can I make an eight count? I just totally want to fuck around and pretend I suck. Here." They all jump together and spring out into a line, but Trevor's got his tongue hanging down to his chin and they look like a parody of a parody of a boy band. Screaming girls stand to comatose parents in the audience. Poor audience parents. They boys sing poorly in front of a "band," which I think is a drummer and two guitarists.
Backstage, Silent Mike is asking Pat whether he's okay. We get subtitles here, because it's hard to hear over the horrible music playing in the background. Pat's thanking Silent Mike over and over again for giving him this "opportunity." Later in his life, Pat will refer to this night as "The Lawsuit." Onstage, Jacob is warbling away, unaware that we are all praying he'll stop. People stand around. Older women think, "If I squint enough, he almost reminds me of Donnie Wahlberg. No. If I squint that much I can't see anything. Oh, wait. If I close my eyes and then plug in my ears like this...it almost doesn't suck."
Jacob. I'll just let his stupidity drip down all over you. You don't need me here. "All right! I wanna do something special for my home crowd. You know what? I used to write music here. And, you know, I've basically been living in San Diego my whole life. And now that I'm home I wanna play something that I wrote here. So, I'm gonna bring one of my best friends out. Pat, come out here." Pat's already out there, though, and he sits on a chair. Jacob announces that this song is called "Let Me Be." Jacob's other songs include "Eleanor Rig Bee," "Norwegian Would" and "Tacksman." He is the walrus. A group of girls scream, "I love you, Jacob!" Jacob looks up and smiles. "I love you, too. And I hope you love this." I haven't used the word "barf" in like, a good sixteen years, but...man. Barf.
Pat and Jacob play their song. It's bad. They've even got Erik out there singing backup. Jacob tells us that the audience enjoyed it as much as they did. This song is like bad Pearl Jam. My roommate runs down the hall screaming, "You turn that shit off or we'll get evicted!"
Back in the Moose Lounge green room, Jacob tells us he didn't know what anyone was going to think. Ashley tells us, but since it's Ashley talking, we still aren't going to know what anybody thought: "That song with Pat? I went to the booth so I could watch. Dude, it sounded so awesome, and when you got done. The crowd. The crowd." Jacob translates and tells us this means the guys liked it. Behind Ashley you can see Dan actually working, concerned about the show, not just fucking around like the rest of them. Poor Dan. I'd have sympathy if I cared about him. Jacob and Pat hug and then hold both hands for a long time, petting each other's arms as Pat says he had a "good, good time." They clutch hands and laugh.
Ashley and Trevor are in an airport. Now they're in a restaurant. Boom. That fast. "So, what's up, man?" Trevor asks, as his lines tell him to. Ashley: "Dude, I'm so like, emotionally, like weirded out." Ashley says that going home to perform is "like, like, like, like, like, Like, you know?" He says that he played his guitar to his graduating class and now it's, like, a year later, and like, he's like, like, playing like. He says that he asked his dad to come see it and his dad was all like, "Definitely, like, I'll definitely think about it." Trevor says that it'll be a good show even if Ashley's dad doesn't come to see it, but he knows something will be missing if Ashley's dad skips. "I'm scared, Trevor," Ashley concludes. This show. I swear. Ashley says he's scared of the "Ashley that everybody knew disappearing." Ashley says that he's like, "Ugh," because he's like, coming to, like, terms with this, like, because he, like, does this, like, professionally now. It bothers me that Ashley considers himself to have a profession, when I'm still here looking to find a job, let alone a profession. Ashley leans way back in his chair with big arms and says, "I'm slowly floating away." I wish Ashley wouldn't lie like that. He's not any further away from me than he was just a few seconds ago. Ashley makes robot arms and says he's trying to grab at anything he can. Ashley is exhausted from his performance, and must take a sip of water.
Tour bus. Boredom. Ashley strums a guitar. He's writing a song for Shrilli. God. I hate everything. He's got his journal all open up with a Glamour Shot of Shrilli tucked into the corner of it so that he doesn't forget what Shrilli looks like. I can't believe nobody else on the tour bus isn't like, "You shut the fuck up now, Ashley, or I'm gonna write a song to my fake girlfriend louder than yours." No need to worry, here, since the lyrics to Ashley's song are, "Buh-dah-dah duh-da-duh-nuh, buh-nuh-na nuh-nuh." I mean, I feel something, but will Shrilli? Ashley says that he has so many things going through the back of his mind right now, and he needs to figure out what's going on. Ashley thinks thoughts. So deep.
Redding. Ashley walks into a hospital room. It's his grandfather. They hug, but not too hard. Ashley tells his grandfather that he misses him. Ashley's grandfather says he misses him as well. He says that Ashley's so busy. Ashley says, "Man, you leave for a little while and you come back and you're in the hospital and...Grampa, I really wish that I was around a little more." Ashley says that things have changed. Grampa says that you can come out the door and come back in and it's a whole new house. Ashley says that he wants to spend more time with him. Grampa assures Ashley that he's got years to come that they can spend together. He touches Ashley's hair and asks about the spiked thing. The man might be old and sick and in a hospital, but he knows bad hair when he sees it. Point for Grampa.
Ashley and his father are standing on some rocks near a pond. Ashley grabs a pebble and hurls it while grunting. "You throw like a girl, you fucking pansy! I can't believe that's going to be on television. I hate my live gay son!" Ashley's father screams. He doesn't, but you know he does. Ashley tells us that his father is just concerned that by Ashley's being in the entertainment industry, he might end up doing things he normally wouldn't have done. Actually, since Ashley doesn't entertain anyone, is he still in the industry? Ashley tells us his dad is scared that Ashley won't stay true to who he is. "It's not that I don't love you," Ashley's dad says. Man, if anyone starts with those words, it's because they don't love you. For real. "It's just that I don't approve of what you're doing," he finishes. This is so not about O-Town, people. Ashley says that he knows. PapaAshley says that this is all Ashley's decision. Ashley says he thinks that he might have made some decisions of which PapaAshley didn't approve. You think, Ashley? He says that he respects his father. As Ashley rambles on about how much he appreciates his father, PapaAshley's eyes glaze over and he looks in a completely different direction, wondering whether he'll still get paid for the segment even if he doesn't look at the kid. PapaAshley says there are lots of dangers "out there" that he's thinking about. Ashley says that he appreciates that his father doesn't have a "false image" of who Ashley is, when there are lots of people "out there that do." This is clearly a scene about Ashley's coming out, and I wish they'd just show what it really was, because pretending this is about the dangers of cocaine and touring is making it boring and dumb. Ashley says he feels like he's grown apart from his parents. PapaAshley reads from his cards: "Remember the fact that...you know...you're welcome in our home. And we love you. We can't make choices for you, you have to make them for yourself." Ashley says he loves him. "I love you too, son. You know that." They awkwardly hug. You can almost hear the, "And...cut! Great. Thanks for doing that. Ashley's real dad wouldn't come out here and we were losing light."
Redding concert. A high-school auditorium is only, like, a third filled with half-hearted fans. This is so sad. Ashley tells us that the two performances are sold out, and that they were on the front page of the paper. How big is Redding, anyway? Ashley tells the audience that he graduated high school on that stage just two years ago; that night, he sang a song to his graduating class, and so tonight he's going to sing it "maybe for the last time" right where he sang it two years ago. Does this mean that Ashley's going to kill himself after the song? "Maybe for the last time"? Do it! Ashley starts playing that fucking Goo Goo Dolls song "Name" that I had finally gotten out of my head. And what a damn depressing graduating song, by the way. All about not knowing anyone and being all lonely and abandoned and shit. Ashley plays it on his guitar and because it's the Goo Goo Dolls, Ashley actually sounds better than the song did. Not the guitar playing, but the singing. Ashley tells us that he grew up with stars in his eyes, and everyone always told him that he'd do this, and then he did it. He's standing on top of himself telling us that he is just not able to go home the same person anymore because he's all big and important and he's going to "let go of the past and accept the future, whatever that is." It seems like the end of the episode because Ashley ends the song and says thanks, but there's more.
Shrilli. Ashley says that she's the only thing connecting him to the "old Ashley," so saying goodbye to her will be the hardest thing. Because it's not about saying goodbye to her, it's about saying goodbye to Old Ashley. What an ass. He loves him some him. He's talking about how pretty everything is, and that he's glad to be in Redding again. Shrilli may have picked up a drug habit since the last time we saw her. "I'm like, you'll never forget," she drawls as she giggles and pulls her hair out of her face. I'm going to miss Shrilli, y'all. I really am. With her dumb baby talk and her strange way of looking at the world. Ashley says he wants to play her something. "Is it gonna make me cry?" she coos, as she looks somewhere else. Bad edit and suddenly Ashley's playing his guitar as Shrilli tries to pretend it's not windy, pretend she's listening to the song, and pretend that the words are moving her to tears. ["At this point, Glark ran out of the room because he couldn't take how vicariously embarrassed he was for Ashley." -- Wing Chun] Ashley strums and stares. That's the worst right there -- when some guy's all strumming and staring at you. He smiles, opens his mouth. This is what comes out: "There's something in the way/ I stare through your mind/ That says things will say this way/ You'll lose your heart and fall behind./ You may speak a thousand words/ But a picture's in my mind/ Empty words and empty promises/ Please don't say goodbye." Okay, first of all, isn't he there to say goodbye? Is he singing as if he's Shrilli? Then to add insult to injury, we get the Shortest Montage of Non-Love Love where we see the past two episodes of Shrilli and Ashley on their Fake Date. Ashley continues his serenade: "So come back to the days/ And spend them for a while." What does that mean? " Spend some time away/ As the years pass us by/ And if we don't ever make it/ Together in our lives/ Just know I loved you all the while." What a terrible song. "I don't want to date you anymore, but you were the best girl I dated while I dated girls." We see Shrilli right before she dumps Ashley. Walking on a beach. Fake kissing. Walking. Fake fun. Fake happiness. Cut to Shrilli and Ashley hugging for a long time as the camera spins around them completely spontaneously. End of boring episode.