Previously on Making the Band: The boys are going on tour. Touring is hard. You know, with two episodes every week, the shows are starting to sound just like, “Wah! Wah! Wah! Work is hard!” People are stressed because they have only two weeks to pull the tour together. It’s hard being a one-hit wonder with a crap-ass show. It’s the hardest thing in the world sometimes.
Credits. Someone erase Jacob from my memory, please.
No Name is attempting alchemy again. He’s trying to teach the boys how to sing. Erik’s getting even worse. No Name tells him to breathe while he sings. This makes Erik’s voice crack as he screeches the lyric, “Like Haagen Dazs, you hit the spot,” and I really don’t know which is worse: the singing, or the songwriting. No Name tells us that it’s strange that these boys have such a following. Like he’s the only one wondering how this happened. He says it usually takes about three years to get this kind of notoriety, and he’s trying to fix any problems that might happen. No Name is full of The Advice That Says Nothing, and he tells the boys this: “I need everything. I need all of it. I need everything you got, you know what I’m saying? I need all. I need it all. 'Cause we’re way, way, way behind. And there’s no time. Time is not our friend right now. So. Our ass is up under the gun.” Jacob laughs and says that No Name’s been telling them that from the beginning. Ashley laughs and agrees. Y’all. Jacob is wearing not one, but TWO do-rags. That’s got to be some sort of record, right? There are five boys and six do-rags in front of me. Jacob has turned into that post-Behind the Music-looking Poison member in a very unhealthy way. No Name’s not done spouting off philosophization with wordinizing and intricthoughables: “We have to ourselves be abnormal human beings and give abnormal human efforts.” True. True.
Cue the fighting. Dan wants to know when they’re going to choreograph. Lou is there suddenly, saying the boys have to figure things out on their own and find time to learn the tour. It’s really making just as much sense as I’m writing it here. Someone asks a question and someone else kind of doesn’t even answer it at all. I love this thing, here. Ashley, who’s so concerned about getting the tour finished that he’s coming up with new ideas that they have no time to work on, wants to know if he can play his own instruments on “Love Should Be A Crime.” Now, the real crime is that there are now two fucking episodes devoted to this shitty song, and I moan because I’m going to have to hear Jacob’s warbling for another half hour. Ashley’s going on about how it’d be “a cool thing for the club tour” if he and Jacob could play guitars and sing the song. Dan, Lou, and Boston Mike all make the same “what a douche” smirk at the same time. Ashley keeps on talking crap, and Boston Mike totally doesn’t think Ashley could play a note, so he says that Ashley can try. Ashley says that if he and Jacob played instruments, it would show that they are “talented.” Hee. “And that’s what people want to see.” No, Ashley. Listen. We just want to see you naked. That’s it. Take off your shirt and shut up. Please shut up. Shut up. Shut up shut up shutupshutuptakeoffyourclothesanddance. Ashley tells us that the public “has gotten numb to the whole ‘singing and dancing thing.’” There aren’t even words to describe how ridiculous Ashley is at this point, thinking that people are biting their fingernails, wondering, “What’s O-Town going to do ? They’re so hardcore and cutting edge!” And Ashley thinking that O-Town is anything more than a “singing and dancing thing” is also pretty funny. ["Ashley thinking that they're even in the same area code as 'a singing thing' of any kind is pretty damn funny too, if by 'funny' you mean 'completely inexplicable.'" -- Sars] Lou warns Ashley that people don’t want to see Ashley and Jacob being un-multi-talented. Well, Lou, perhaps you shouldn’t parade them on this television show, because every week they prove how untalented, in multitudes of ways, they are. Lou says they’ll look like fools if they don’t practice “and get it down right.” He reminds them of the Miss America incident. Ashley acts like he’s never heard of the country. Which is only fair, since the country acts like she’s never heard of Ashley, either.
Studio. All of Jacob’s clothing is continually blurred out in every single episode, and at this point I imagine that all of his clothes feature women and men bent into porno positions. It’s better than knowing he’s just another Fubu poseur. Lou tells us that there was a deal where he’d help cover the cost of the tour if they needed money. Luckily, we change scenes just as Ashley starts singing “Love Should Be A Crime” to a half-hearted group of O-Town people.
Meeting room. Mike on the Mike chats with Lou. Silent Mike reminds Lou that he’s supposed to be helping out with money, but everyone at Trans Con says that they’re not getting any money. We’re not getting the full story here, but they mention that they don’t want the boys to be “further into debt.” Those are the words that stand out in this conversation, and I wonder if the boys know that they’re in debt, since you never hear anything about parents, guardians, or lawyers. Silent Mike’s got the dumbest long-hair braid thing. Lou says he doesn’t want the boys to be any further in debt than they already are, and the three of them start the same song-and-dance that we saw them do in a past episode where Lou pretends he knows nothing about Trans Con trying to steal from O-Town and Mike on the Mike pretends that they’re trying to help O-Town instead of steal from them, and as Ashley already pointed out, we’re all already numb to the entire “singing and dancing thing,” so this scene just makes me shake my head slowly. It’s totally staged and dumb. Dumb. Lou tells us that Trans Con wants to make money if they’re going to invest money, but they’re not going to make any money on this investment. Silent Mike tells us that they think what Lou’s asking for is “excessive.”
The boys finish screeching through “Love Should Be A Crime” in the other room, showing us how they’re still completely oblivious to anything that’s happening. No Name is just as tired of hearing this song as we are, and asks to move on to the one. Wow. I’ve never heard this song before, but it’s bad. “Sexy. Your body’s like a dancer on MTV.” No Name keeps stopping them because Trevor can’t sing. One of the sound engineers says, “It’s unheard of, really.” I’m not going to tell you what he says after that sentence because it’s funnier just to leave it with the initial editing, which looks like he’s done tired of hearing these whiny teens every damn day. Trevor’s having a bit of a meltdown, because he realizes that they’re actually going to have to sing in front of people on this tour and can’t always lip-sync. He gets into some sort of spat with No Name about the level at which he’s sucking. Ashley’s wearing a bucket hat, sealing his nomination to the Loser Hall of Fame. No Name rubs the last shreds of hair from his forehead and realizes he’ll never work in this town again. He tries to give the boys another pep talk. Dan tells us that they have to work hard now because they’re on tour soon. No Name says that it’s time to “get serious.” He says, “We’re under the gun now. We’re under the gun. I mean, your ass is on the line.” The boys all wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing as we fade to commercial.
The boys take an hour break from rehearsal so Ashley and Jacob can bang on instruments, trying to figure out how to play them. It’s painful and gives me flashbacks of when I used to listen to boys play guitars in garages, and I’d have to sneak out of my house to be there and I had this horrible swirling in my stomach because I knew that I was totally going to get grounded when I got home, and it wasn’t even worth it. The boy I liked was lost in his own Jim Morrison fantasy land, rolling on the garage floor, banging his guitar into amps, pretending that his “words” spoke the “truth,” and I was drinking warm beer stolen from his father’s secret box in the attic. I hate that these boys make me remember my loser past because I’m forced to repeat it with them.
The side subplot of loserdom here is going on outside. No Name has his arms around Trevor, and he’s trying to convince Trevor that the reason he can’t sing is because he’s convinced himself that he can’t. So the reason that I can’t fly is because I just think I can’t? Dammit, all these years wasted not flying. Trevor’s going to be in a boy band and I’m gonna go fly to Toronto. See you suckers later! No Name tells us these following words that don’t really follow an order but almost form a sentence: “I’m very concerned that the lack of experience that these guys have had that they’re going to crack at a certain point.” No Name tells Trevor he has to believe in himself, and eventually he has to be able to sing.
Back at Delusions Of Grandeur Central, Ashley says, “'Love Should Be A Crime' is a song that sounds like it could have been done by The Beatles.” I can’t believe there’s not a clause in my contract that says I’m allowed to stop recapping right here and now. I tell you what, it’s fucking going in there year. These kids have compared themselves to The Beatles so many times that there are scars on the palms of my hands from my fingernails. Ashley reminds us again that people don’t expect them to come out playing instruments. Does he really think that a twelve-year-old girl cares if Ashley can play the guitar? Sweet Jesus, I want to shake the shit out of this kid. Ashley and Jacob keep ruining the song. Jacob reminds us that he’s been playing the guitar since he was a kid and should be allowed to play one onstage. I’ve been taking a dump on my own since I was a kid as well, but it doesn’t mean I force other people to watch me do it. I hate you, Jacob.
No Name tells Trevor to play the opposite game. He tells him that when he thinks he can’t, he should just think that he can. When he thinks he won’t, he should think he will. I hope this goes on to where when he thinks he should sing, he won’t, and when he thinks he should dance, he won’t, and when he thinks he should Afro up his hair and tie a do-rag around it, he’ll chop off his head and bury it in a compost pile instead. I’m gonna waste all of my wishes in life on this dumb band. Dan tries to make a joke where he talks like Mr. T saying he can, but the editors cut him off for an important montage.
Rehearsal Montage -- activate! Who knows what the fuck is happening. Silent Mike holds papers and looks like he’s announcing important schedule information. Shots of the boys being tired, rubbing their eyes, lying down, and sitting as No Name tells us that it’s “almost overwhelming.” Just almost, though, so there’s no need to worry.
The boys sing “All For Love” a cappella for a second, and the Eminem-looking roadie guy in the corner points and smiles. Ashley says that they impressed him. I think his drugs just kicked in, is all. They keep singing. No Name back-handedly compliments them: “They’re really doing a great job, considering all that they’re up against.” Dan tells us that the tour is important to them. “Because the whole world is waiting for us to suck.” I’m so glad that Dan knows the real score. No Name says, “I feel like we have a shot at this.” No Name knows what’s up as well. Dan and No Name know that they’re working with a bunch of self-important morons and that everyone is laughing at them. Now I have sympathy for Dan, and I hate that. Oh, wait. I just remembered how boring Dan is. No more sympathy. Dan is boring! Ha ha! Whatever. I’m totally stretching just so I never feel any emotion for anyone in O-Town. Except for the lust I have for Ashley’s naked ass. I’m so going to hell for everything I’ve ever written for Mighty Big TV.
Rehearsal ends, and some guy named Billy tries to teach Ashley and Jacob how to play guitar. Jacob tells us that “Love Should Be A Crime” is his favorite song, like he hasn’t told us all that a million times before. Ashley wears a shirt that says, “I am Batman.” He tells us, “I want to be in concert somewhere and I want to pick up my guitar and I want to play a song and I want to look up and see someone with tears in their eyes.” Hey, Ash. Look over here. The tears. Pouring down my face. Now will you stop? Jesus God, please stop. The singing. The guitar. The horrible lyrics. Ashley continues, “There’s no doubt in my mind that ‘Love Should Be A Crime’ is going to be a crowd favorite.” Even the closed captioning refuses to print the real lyrics to this dumb song. They just toss in the word “love” whenever they can’t figure out what the boys are whining. “It is a different-sounding song,” Ashley concludes. “But I think we can pull it off.” He also claims to be Batman, so you tell me.
Tour bus. Silent Mike’s on the phone, telling someone that he’s got to “draw the line.” The boys listen to Silent Mike fuck around with their careers, but they don’t do anything but look concerned. Erik explains to us that Trans Con hasn’t put in any money towards the tour. Silent Mike tries scare tactics and threats and says that if Trans Con doesn’t fork over cash today or sign something, then nobody at Trans Con gets tickets to the O-Town shows. Isn’t that hysterical? Lou tells us that there’s no reason to give them money since they’re not going to get any money back. Jacob says that without Trans Con’s money, they’re going to be in debt by a few hundred thousand dollars. Dan says they don’t want to cancel any shows. Someone tells us that they couldn’t financially come back from canceling an entire tour.
These poor kids. Silent Mike sits them down with contracts and tells them that they can get money from Trans Con if they do movie spots for Lou’s new film, Longshot. Apparently they aren’t even really in the movie, or they know the movie sucks and they don’t want their names attached to this film, but they need money or the tour gets shut down, and they’ve rigged this so that Mike on the Mike looks like they don’t want this either and it’s all the work of Big Bad Trans Con and Sweet Lou’s swooped in with some sort of solution to the problem. The boys need cash? They’ve got to whore themselves out to Lou. Again. Erik says he doesn’t want to do anything extra because he’s working his ass off on his own album. The boys want to talk to Lou directly. Silent Mike gives the boys a “reality check.” Scary, important music plays as Silent Mike gets all serious and tells them that if they don’t get some money now, everything’s gone on Tuesday and the tour is cancelled. These poor kids. For real. Getting played like the Monopoly boot.
Lou’s suddenly at this same meeting with the boys to look over the contracts. Erik tells us that he’s nervous. Ashley reminds us that they’re getting word that the tour might be cancelled an hour and a half before they’re onstage. I guess they’re also making these kids sign these new contracts right before they perform, so there’s even more pressure here. Lou and Silent Mike pretend to bicker and fight. Lou explains that the “movie people” will be paying for the tour if the boys do the movie spots. Suddenly everyone wants to sign the contracts, and Boston Mike says they can talk about everything concerning the movie after the contracts are signed and the money has come in. Lou says he’s signing the contract because he cares about the boys. He says he normally wouldn’t sign something like that right there in front of everyone. Bullshit. He says that he’s there to fix communication problems. Bullshit. He’s the communication problem. Ashley tells us that everything has been settled. “Trans Con, ourselves, and some sponsors are going to be taking care of this tour.” Shit. They somehow got the boys to pay for the tour as well? These poor fucking kids. Trans Con got out of paying for the tour. And how come everyone loves the movie spot idea now? Whatever. It’s all too sad, and these boys are getting the runaround and it makes me sad. I may think that Jacob’s an idiot, but I don’t want him to end up the crack-head outside my apartment that yells, “My favorite color is Tuesday!” while I’m walking to get my coffee in the morning.
Dan’s happy that the tour is still happening and everyone is all tra-la-la. Oh, my God. They’ve put Jacob in an outfit not seen since Jem performed with the Holograms. It’s truly, truly, truly outrageous. Yikes. It’s all covered in safety pins and his stupid dreads are flopping around, and I can’t believe nobody’s stopped him from becoming what he’s turned into. Everyone’s happy about the tour and they’re backstage, ready to kick off their first gig. They have a prayer circle, and Erik leads the prayer. It’s long and babbly so I’ll skip it. People talk to Ashley backstage so he doesn’t puke everywhere again. It’s strangely quiet in the audience before O-Town takes the stage.
Girls scream. Jacob says that everything “made sense” once they all got onstage. That boy says things dumber than I could ever make up. The boys do some horrible choreography that includes the “crane” maneuver from The Karate Kid. It looks like they’re performing in a tiny club. The girls all have standing room to dance and take pictures. There’s no clamoring, or screaming, even though they’ve looped in the sound of girls screaming while the boys perform. Erik voice-overs that he loves what he does as we watch him pump his crotch at young girls’ faces. Everyone takes themselves so seriously. It’d be nice if one of them would be like, “We make crap music for little girls. We’re just there to be pretty so young girls can have crushes on unobtainable boys that are kind of gay. It’s been going on for years and that’s what we do. There’s no talent involved except we have to work all the time on total crap music and pretend we love little girls. It sucks, but if I play the game right, I’m gonna be a rich-ass motherfucker.”
This, I don’t understand -- the boys go backstage for a second to drink water and get a pep talk from No Name before they go back out and sing some more. The audience cracks me up, because it’s lit too bright and people are just standing around. Ashley sings a horrible song as we see the same girl in the audience react about six times. She’s the only one reacting, so they keep showing her. Dan says that going onstage is a release, because he’s in control of what he wants to do when he’s onstage.
Oh, God. It’s time for the horrible part. I mean more horrible than before. Jacob and Ashley grab their guitars and play “Love Should Be A Crime.” Jacob thinks that the crowd is excited to see them play. They’re just cheering because it’s almost over. Ashley tells us, “I literally watched the crowd become alive.” I love that, because it sounds like everyone was so damn bored and then they were all, “Is he holding a guitar? Huh.” We see shots of that same girl crying, looking around, holding her face, stretching her hands out. She’s the only girl freaking out at the concert, and it’s sad that we just have to watch her over and over again. Everyone else just politely claps and listens to the music, waving to the camera. Dear God: Please don’t make me have to hear “Love Should Be A Crime” ever again. Please? I’m a good girl and I haven’t killed anyone. Yet. Take that as a threat if you need to. Love, Pamie.
The episode ends as Jacob’s head swells to the size of California and Ashley learns how to suck his own dick. The two of them need no other ever. I can’t even feel any sort of release because there’s another episode on in thirty seconds. It’s like I’m being punished. If you call this fun, then fun should be a crime.