Anyone Can Play Guitar

Previously on Making the Band: The boys are going on tour. Touring is hard. You know, with two episodes every week, the shows are starting to sound just like, �Wah! Wah! Wah! Work is hard!� People are stressed because they have only two weeks to pull the tour together. It�s hard being a one-hit wonder with a crap-ass show. It�s the hardest thing in the world sometimes.

Credits. Someone erase Jacob from my memory, please.

No Name is attempting alchemy again. He�s trying to teach the boys how to sing. Erik�s getting even worse. No Name tells him to breathe while he sings. This makes Erik�s voice crack as he screeches the lyric, �Like Haagen Dazs, you hit the spot,� and I really don�t know which is worse: the singing, or the songwriting. No Name tells us that it�s strange that these boys have such a following. Like he�s the only one wondering how this happened. He says it usually takes about three years to get this kind of notoriety, and he�s trying to fix any problems that might happen. No Name is full of The Advice That Says Nothing, and he tells the boys this: �I need everything. I need all of it. I need everything you got, you know what I�m saying? I need all. I need it all. 'Cause we�re way, way, way behind. And there�s no time. Time is not our friend right now. So. Our ass is up under the gun.� Jacob laughs and says that No Name�s been telling them that from the beginning. Ashley laughs and agrees. Y�all. Jacob is wearing not one, but TWO do-rags. That�s got to be some sort of record, right? There are five boys and six do-rags in front of me. Jacob has turned into that post-Behind the Music-looking Poison member in a very unhealthy way. No Name�s not done spouting off philosophization with wordinizing and intricthoughables: �We have to ourselves be abnormal human beings and give abnormal human efforts.� True. True.

Cue the fighting. Dan wants to know when they�re going to choreograph. Lou is there suddenly, saying the boys have to figure things out on their own and find time to learn the tour. It�s really making just as much sense as I�m writing it here. Someone asks a question and someone else kind of doesn�t even answer it at all. I love this thing, here. Ashley, who�s so concerned about getting the tour finished that he�s coming up with new ideas that they have no time to work on, wants to know if he can play his own instruments on �Love Should Be A Crime.� Now, the real crime is that there are now two fucking episodes devoted to this shitty song, and I moan because I�m going to have to hear Jacob�s warbling for another half hour. Ashley�s going on about how it�d be �a cool thing for the club tour� if he and Jacob could play guitars and sing the song. Dan, Lou, and Boston Mike all make the same �what a douche� smirk at the same time. Ashley keeps on talking crap, and Boston Mike totally doesn�t think Ashley could play a note, so he says that Ashley can try. Ashley says that if he and Jacob played instruments, it would show that they are �talented.� Hee. �And that�s what people want to see.� No, Ashley. Listen. We just want to see you naked. That�s it. Take off your shirt and shut up. Please shut up. Shut up. Shut up shut up shutupshutuptakeoffyourclothesanddance. Ashley tells us that the public �has gotten numb to the whole �singing and dancing thing.�� There aren�t even words to describe how ridiculous Ashley is at this point, thinking that people are biting their fingernails, wondering, �What�s O-Town going to do ? They�re so hardcore and cutting edge!� And Ashley thinking that O-Town is anything more than a �singing and dancing thing� is also pretty funny. ["Ashley thinking that they're even in the same area code as 'a singing thing' of any kind is pretty damn funny too, if by 'funny' you mean 'completely inexplicable.'" -- Sars] Lou warns Ashley that people don�t want to see Ashley and Jacob being un-multi-talented. Well, Lou, perhaps you shouldn�t parade them on this television show, because every week they prove how untalented, in multitudes of ways, they are. Lou says they�ll look like fools if they don�t practice �and get it down right.� He reminds them of the Miss America incident. Ashley acts like he�s never heard of the country. Which is only fair, since the country acts like she�s never heard of Ashley, either.

Studio. All of Jacobs clothing is continually blurred out in every single episode, and at this point I imagine that all of his clothes feature women and men bent into porno positions. Its better than knowing hes just another Fubu poseur. Lou tells us that there was a deal where hed help cover the cost of the tour if they needed money. Luckily, we change scenes just as Ashley starts singing Love Should Be A Crime to a half-hearted group of O-Town people.

Meeting room. Mike on the Mike chats with Lou. Silent Mike reminds Lou that hes supposed to be helping out with money, but everyone at Trans Con says that theyre not getting any money. Were not getting the full story here, but they mention that they dont want the boys to be further into debt. Those are the words that stand out in this conversation, and I wonder if the boys know that theyre in debt, since you never hear anything about parents, guardians, or lawyers. Silent Mikes got the dumbest long-hair braid thing. Lou says he doesnt want the boys to be any further in debt than they already are, and the three of them start the same song-and-dance that we saw them do in a past episode where Lou pretends he knows nothing about Trans Con trying to steal from O-Town and Mike on the Mike pretends that theyre trying to help O-Town instead of steal from them, and as Ashley already pointed out, were all already numb to the entire singing and dancing thing, so this scene just makes me shake my head slowly. Its totally staged and dumb. Dumb. Lou tells us that Trans Con wants to make money if theyre going to invest money, but theyre not going to make any money on this investment. Silent Mike tells us that they think what Lous asking for is excessive.

The boys finish screeching through Love Should Be A Crime in the other room, showing us how theyre still completely oblivious to anything thats happening. No Name is just as tired of hearing this song as we are, and asks to move on to the one. Wow. Ive never heard this song before, but its bad. Sexy. Your bodys like a dancer on MTV. No Name keeps stopping them because Trevor cant sing. One of the sound engineers says, Its unheard of, really. Im not going to tell you what he says after that sentence because its funnier just to leave it with the initial editing, which looks like hes done tired of hearing these whiny teens every damn day. Trevors having a bit of a meltdown, because he realizes that theyre actually going to have to sing in front of people on this tour and cant always lip-sync. He gets into some sort of spat with No Name about the level at which hes sucking. Ashleys wearing a bucket hat, sealing his nomination to the Loser Hall of Fame. No Name rubs the last shreds of hair from his forehead and realizes hell never work in this town again. He tries to give the boys another pep talk. Dan tells us that they have to work hard now because theyre on tour soon. No Name says that its time to get serious. He says, Were under the gun now. Were under the gun. I mean, your ass is on the line. The boys all wonder if thats a good thing or a bad thing as we fade to commercial.

The boys take an hour break from rehearsal so Ashley and Jacob can bang on instruments, trying to figure out how to play them. Its painful and gives me flashbacks of when I used to listen to boys play guitars in garages, and Id have to sneak out of my house to be there and I had this horrible swirling in my stomach because I knew that I was totally going to get grounded when I got home, and it wasnt even worth it. The boy I liked was lost in his own Jim Morrison fantasy land, rolling on the garage floor, banging his guitar into amps, pretending that his words spoke the truth, and I was drinking warm beer stolen from his fathers secret box in the attic. I hate that these boys make me remember my loser past because Im forced to repeat it with them.

The side subplot of loserdom here is going on outside. No Name has his arms around Trevor, and hes trying to convince Trevor that the reason he cant sing is because hes convinced himself that he cant. So the reason that I cant fly is because I just think I cant? Dammit, all these years wasted not flying. Trevors going to be in a boy band and Im gonna go fly to Toronto. See you suckers later! No Name tells us these following words that dont really follow an order but almost form a sentence: Im very concerned that the lack of experience that these guys have had that theyre going to crack at a certain point. No Name tells Trevor he has to believe in himself, and eventually he has to be able to sing.

Back at Delusions Of Grandeur Central, Ashley says, 'Love Should Be A Crime' is a song that sounds like it could have been done by The Beatles. I cant believe theres not a clause in my contract that says Im allowed to stop recapping right here and now. I tell you what, its fucking going in there year. These kids have compared themselves to The Beatles so many times that there are scars on the palms of my hands from my fingernails. Ashley reminds us again that people dont expect them to come out playing instruments. Does he really think that a twelve-year-old girl cares if Ashley can play the guitar? Sweet Jesus, I want to shake the shit out of this kid. Ashley and Jacob keep ruining the song. Jacob reminds us that hes been playing the guitar since he was a kid and should be allowed to play one onstage. Ive been taking a dump on my own since I was a kid as well, but it doesnt mean I force other people to watch me do it. I hate you, Jacob.

No Name tells Trevor to play the opposite game. He tells him that when he thinks he cant, he should just think that he can. When he thinks he wont, he should think he will. I hope this goes on to where when he thinks he should sing, he wont, and when he thinks he should dance, he wont, and when he thinks he should Afro up his hair and tie a do-rag around it, hell chop off his head and bury it in a compost pile instead. Im gonna waste all of my wishes in life on this dumb band. Dan tries to make a joke where he talks like Mr. T saying he can, but the editors cut him off for an important montage.

Rehearsal Montage -- activate! Who knows what the fuck is happening. Silent Mike holds papers and looks like hes announcing important schedule information. Shots of the boys being tired, rubbing their eyes, lying down, and sitting as No Name tells us that its almost overwhelming. Just almost, though, so theres no need to worry.

The boys sing All For Love a cappella for a second, and the Eminem-looking roadie guy in the corner points and smiles. Ashley says that they impressed him. I think his drugs just kicked in, is all. They keep singing. No Name back-handedly compliments them: Theyre really doing a great job, considering all that theyre up against. Dan tells us that the tour is important to them. Because the whole world is waiting for us to suck. Im so glad that Dan knows the real score. No Name says, I feel like we have a shot at this. No Name knows whats up as well. Dan and No Name know that theyre working with a bunch of self-important morons and that everyone is laughing at them. Now I have sympathy for Dan, and I hate that. Oh, wait. I just remembered how boring Dan is. No more sympathy. Dan is boring! Ha ha! Whatever. Im totally stretching just so I never feel any emotion for anyone in O-Town. Except for the lust I have for Ashleys naked ass. Im so going to hell for everything Ive ever written for Mighty Big TV.

Rehearsal ends, and some guy named Billy tries to teach Ashley and Jacob how to play guitar. Jacob tells us that Love Should Be A Crime is his favorite song, like he hasnt told us all that a million times before. Ashley wears a shirt that says, I am Batman. He tells us, I want to be in concert somewhere and I want to pick up my guitar and I want to play a song and I want to look up and see someone with tears in their eyes. Hey, Ash. Look over here. The tears. Pouring down my face. Now will you stop? Jesus God, please stop. The singing. The guitar. The horrible lyrics. Ashley continues, Theres no doubt in my mind that Love Should Be A Crime is going to be a crowd favorite. Even the closed captioning refuses to print the real lyrics to this dumb song. They just toss in the word love whenever they cant figure out what the boys are whining. It is a different-sounding song, Ashley concludes. But I think we can pull it off. He also claims to be Batman, so you tell me.

Tour bus. Silent Mikes on the phone, telling someone that hes got to draw the line. The boys listen to Silent Mike fuck around with their careers, but they dont do anything but look concerned. Erik explains to us that Trans Con hasnt put in any money towards the tour. Silent Mike tries scare tactics and threats and says that if Trans Con doesnt fork over cash today or sign something, then nobody at Trans Con gets tickets to the O-Town shows. Isnt that hysterical? Lou tells us that theres no reason to give them money since theyre not going to get any money back. Jacob says that without Trans Cons money, theyre going to be in debt by a few hundred thousand dollars. Dan says they dont want to cancel any shows. Someone tells us that they couldnt financially come back from canceling an entire tour.

These poor kids. Silent Mike sits them down with contracts and tells them that they can get money from Trans Con if they do movie spots for Lous new film, Longshot. Apparently they arent even really in the movie, or they know the movie sucks and they dont want their names attached to this film, but they need money or the tour gets shut down, and theyve rigged this so that Mike on the Mike looks like they dont want this either and its all the work of Big Bad Trans Con and Sweet Lous swooped in with some sort of solution to the problem. The boys need cash? Theyve got to whore themselves out to Lou. Again. Erik says he doesnt want to do anything extra because hes working his ass off on his own album. The boys want to talk to Lou directly. Silent Mike gives the boys a reality check. Scary, important music plays as Silent Mike gets all serious and tells them that if they dont get some money now, everythings gone on Tuesday and the tour is cancelled. These poor kids. For real. Getting played like the Monopoly boot.

Lous suddenly at this same meeting with the boys to look over the contracts. Erik tells us that hes nervous. Ashley reminds us that theyre getting word that the tour might be cancelled an hour and a half before theyre onstage. I guess theyre also making these kids sign these new contracts right before they perform, so theres even more pressure here. Lou and Silent Mike pretend to bicker and fight. Lou explains that the movie people will be paying for the tour if the boys do the movie spots. Suddenly everyone wants to sign the contracts, and Boston Mike says they can talk about everything concerning the movie after the contracts are signed and the money has come in. Lou says hes signing the contract because he cares about the boys. He says he normally wouldnt sign something like that right there in front of everyone. Bullshit. He says that hes there to fix communication problems. Bullshit. Hes the communication problem. Ashley tells us that everything has been settled. Trans Con, ourselves, and some sponsors are going to be taking care of this tour. Shit. They somehow got the boys to pay for the tour as well? These poor fucking kids. Trans Con got out of paying for the tour. And how come everyone loves the movie spot idea now? Whatever. Its all too sad, and these boys are getting the runaround and it makes me sad. I may think that Jacobs an idiot, but I dont want him to end up the crack-head outside my apartment that yells, My favorite color is Tuesday! while Im walking to get my coffee in the morning.

Dans happy that the tour is still happening and everyone is all tra-la-la. Oh, my God. Theyve put Jacob in an outfit not seen since Jem performed with the Holograms. Its truly, truly, truly outrageous. Yikes. Its all covered in safety pins and his stupid dreads are flopping around, and I cant believe nobodys stopped him from becoming what hes turned into. Everyones happy about the tour and theyre backstage, ready to kick off their first gig. They have a prayer circle, and Erik leads the prayer. Its long and babbly so Ill skip it. People talk to Ashley backstage so he doesnt puke everywhere again. Its strangely quiet in the audience before O-Town takes the stage.