Previously on Making the Band: Trevor told us that a girl likes him. Ashley dumped Shrilli again. Get ready, y'all. This is some good bad television coming up.
We start with the boys piling into a van. Ashley is singing a little song about its being time to go to do "Making the Fan." He's still wearing that same shirt, by the way. Since Lou gave them back their per diem, can't they buy the boy a new shirt? That thing must be so gross.
We see overhead shots of Orlando as we listen to a DJ explain the concept of "Making the Fan." Apparently, the boys will be auditioning people across the nation, looking for the ultimate fan. They explain it much longer than that as we watch the boys enter Orlando's Planet Hollywood. Each contestant will get thirty seconds to explain why he or she is the ultimate O-Town fan. One girl points at a sticker on her ass that reads, in Magic Marker, "Property of Jacob." There's some other writing on her arm. Somehow I don't think that's gonna cut it. Actually, I guess she was pretty safe in assuming there wouldn't be that much competition, but I'm thinking some people are there to try to win a free trip to Los Angeles, or wherever the finals are going to be held. Some girl calls Erik her "Puerto Rican dream." Echoing through the Hollywood Hills, I can hear the hysterics of Ricky Martin. Some girl shouts at the camera, "I want you, Trevor!" and then she hides herself before we can identify her. Smart girl. We get a shot of Jacob as some girl chants that she loves him. A teen who makes me sad is wearing a shirt she's made of herself and Jacob, like they're a couple. She's wearing an incredible amount of makeup and some sort of jeweled statement across her forehead, and she's sweating like Lou's elbow. Yikes. These are the saddest fans. Another girl has "#1 Fan" painted on her face, and has her hair in Jacobian dreads. She wears beads in each dread that read "O-Town." She's sobbing. So am I. As this girl squawks into the microphone, Dan tells us that this is all "a trip." Erik says that this is really hard, because a year ago they were auditioning, and now their fans are auditioning for them! Craziness! Jacob hugs the makeup girl as Trevor looks on approvingly.
Trevor makes fun of the way girls scream, "Oh, I love you!" to him. Well, Trevor, look on the bright side. At least you won't have to get used to it. Check out his conclusion on seeing these pre-teen girls screeching over him: "It really puts things into perspective that I don't have someone like that in my life." Homeboy sits in his bed in his underwear and dials up Kelly, his old girlfriend. He's hoping she can fulfill the role of screeching teen girl with unconditional love in his life. We see him looking at a picture of the two of them while he's on the phone. He tells us that he thinks the two of them should still be together. "I don't know why," he actually says. Back on the phone, Trevor tells Kelly that he's "coming to L.A. this weekend," and wants her to go, too. Kelly says that she needs to know what to do if a guy asks her out. She wants to know whether she's supposed to say she's Trevor's girlfriend. Kelly starts guffawing, and I think she might be drunk. Then she says that it already happened: a guy asked her out. Trevor takes a moment before he puts on a fake smile to ask, "What'd you say?" She says that she didn't know. She asks what happens if she kisses another boy. Trevor just laughs and freaks out silently. Kelly asks him what he's thinking. Trevor tells us -- not her -- that he's afraid to ask her out. Then he tells us, "But I want someone. You know what I mean?" Not Kelly, really. Just someone. He tells Kelly that they'll have to talk about it over dinner.
LAX. Jacob says the following words of wisdom: "It's really hard to be a girlfriend in a band. I mean we travel all the time. It's tough." Jacob holds hands with a girl as he explains that she's his best friend. Her name is Janie, and she's who he "depends on for everything." That's healthy. He says that they dated in the fifth, sixth, and seventh grade, so you know that their love is pure and true. They dated when they were ten. They dated in a simpler time, before puberty and physical attraction. He says she motivates him, is whom he leans on, is his shoulder to cry on. Poor, poor girl. We see them walk out of LAX. Jacob is manhandling the back of her neck. Janie continues to look downward, not making direct eye contact with Jacob. He rubs her side and then kisses her neck.
In another corner of Arrivals, Shrilli has one of those luggage carts -- you know, the carts for families that have tons of luggage? It's just her, but she brought so much luggage that she needs a cart. She frantically looks around as though Ashley forgot her again. Ashley tells us that he's glad Shrilli came out because he's missed her and he knows they don't get to talk and hang out like they used to. "Used to," like, two weeks ago?
Jacob bends Janie back and tries to kiss her. No dice.
Shrilli looks so pissed off. Ashley tells her that she should "hang out" with Janie while he "works." He tells her that they should be "pals." Breaking her vow of silence, Shrilli starts with, "Like, what are you gonna do today?" Ashley admits that he's not doing anything until later, when he has a taping. He says it's time to check into the hotel.
Inside the elevator of nausea, Jacob's singing some line all to himself about being contagious. Then he leans in and kisses Janie. Trevor, always with the crappier line, says that Jacob is contagious, and then starts macking on his own girlie. I'm feeling quite ill. Poor Janie. I bet Jacob sings like that all the fucking time.
Kelly and Shrilli meet, and it sounds like the dolphins are getting fed at Sea World. Shrilli doesn't remember meeting Kelly, but Kelly remembers Shrilli. I assume you never forget that noise her body makes when it speaks.
Ashley has his arms around Shrilli and Janie. He tells the girls that it's good to have them both there. Shrilli avoids eye contact.
Jacob tells everyone to get in the limo. As everyone starts sitting down, someone drawls, "We're gonna have to do some major lap-sitting." Gross. Cleve! He totally busts the boys, saying that the limo is an eight-passenger vehicle, so not everyone can fit in it. Wait. Five boys, three girls. Isn't that eight? Oh, right. Cleve. He says that they can be fined a thousand dollars a person for going over the limit, so only eight people can go. "Period," he finishes.
The shot is Ashley handing something out the limo door as he asks, "Do you have my room key? Take your car and follow us." The camera pans over to the three girls standing on the windy street corner. Janie's laughing like, "I can't believe those assholes are leaving us behind." Shrilli is so deeply offended. Kelly might have some sort of head trauma, since she's yet to really say anything, even when Trevor's pawing all over her. Cleve gives the street address to which they're going, and Kelly says she doesn't have any money with her. They don't care.
Shot of the Hollywood sign. Shot of the Walk of Fame. Shot of the sign for the 8400 block of Melrose. They're keeping it real. For one, they're nowhere near the Hollywood sign. For another, they're on Melrose Avenue, not Melrose Place. And for a third, they're going to 5300 Melrose. Finally, they're not going anywhere near the Walk of Fame either. I just wanted to point those out, because once I moved here, I learned that you don't pass the Hollywood sign to do everything, and there's nothing glamorous about the Walk of Fame. Oh, and Melrose Place is about a block long. Here. Here's your Hollywood truth.
The girls are all in Kelly's car as Janie asks Kelly how long she's been stuck with Trevor. Kelly says that they started dating their freshman year in college. The other girls are shocked that Trevor lets people admit that he's old enough to have attended a college, to say nothing of the fact that he was accepted into a college in the first place. "That is so neat!" Shrilli coos. Kelly says that they've known each other three years. Nobody asks Shrilli, but she says that she and Ashley have been together "a long time, too." She laughs and says that Janie and Jacob ("Jake") win since they've known each other since grade school. Shrilli asks Janie whether she ever wishes she could have the Jacob of two years ago instead. Janie says that Jacob's so happy right now. Shrilli's like, "Right, but remember when you made him happy? Remember when we were enough? Don't y'all want that again?" It's clear why Shrilli's been forced to sit in the back of the car.
The girls pull up to some studio, and they see the girls screaming outside the building. Shrilli immediately starts making fun of them, screaming back. It's pretty funny.
The guys are shooting something for Channel One. They're doing vocal warm-ups as the crew gets them ready for the camera. The girlfriends sit and pout. As the boys start singing "Liquid Dreams" and the cameras are rolling, Shrilli's cell phone goes off. The crew is pissed, and Shrilli's quick to announce that the phone is, in fact, Erik's, and that she doesn't know how to turn it off. Tattletale. "Always picking on E!" Erik snaps back.
The girls watch the boys bullshit around for a while. Shrilli whispers to Janie, "Is this what they're doing? Is this it?" I know, honey. There's no glamour in an O-Town life.
Ashley's holding a tape recorder and answering questions for channelone.com. They asked him about the show, not the band, because the show is at least slightly interesting. Ashley keeps repeating something about privacy and chances and excitement and adjusting.
Shrilli's completely glazed over as Janie asks whether Shrilli and Ashley broke up. Shrilli's head bobs around like a dashboard dog's. Janie again asks whether that means Shrilli and Ashley aren't together. Shrilli says they aren't. Janie asks whether they're on a break. Shrilli says they kind of are, and that it's been a while. She then says that it's really good, because he flies her out all the time. Uh huh. She says she sometimes feels like she's in the way. Janie winces, since she was just about to tell Shrilli that she's exactly that. Shrilli says that she hates being in the makeup guy's way. Janie says that she doesn't understand what they're supposed to do, and doesn't see why they're even there. Kelly says that the guys want to share all of this with them. Janie says that she doesn't want to sit around for four hours. Shrilli whispers, "It gets so boring!"
Fade out and fade back in. The girls have found a different spot where they're all sitting. Piano Music of Jilted Love plays in the background as the girls discuss how disappointing it is to date an O-Town member. Shrilli sits down with an orange and asks the girls whether they want some. Both girls remember that they're in L.A. and instantly moan, "No, I'm good," making Shrilli sound like a giant cow. "Oh, whatever," Shrilli says. I love Shrilli. Kelly immediately caves and admits that she's starving. Shrilli hands her some orange slices. Shrilli asks Kelly whether she's with Trevor. Kelly smiles and instantly says, "No, we're just...you know." Man, all three of these girls are only here for free rides and booty calls. Kelly says that they're going to talk about it at dinner.
Cue the dinner. Trevor says that he knows he has no time for a girlfriend, but that tonight is the night he's going to ask Kelly to be his girlfriend, because he wants the status of having a girlfriend without any sort of, you know, feelings to get in the way. Kelly is perfect, because she lives far away, and he doesn't have to actually date her since he's in love with Dan. Trevor and Kelly hold hands as Trevor admits that it bothered him...excuse me, "disturbed" him that some guy asked Kelly out. Kelly laughs about it, because she's totally lying to Trevor and has been dating the other guy for weeks now. He says that he was thinking and was like, "All right. I've known this girl for a long time. I never really got over...you know. And I have this perfect opportunity...you know...that maybe we could possibly try it again. I've been thinking about it for a long time." Kelly looks up and smiles as we fade to commercial.
Back at the restaurant, Trevor repeats his non-question. Kelly asks whether he wants to know what's going on. She asks what "being [his] girlfriend" consists of. Uh, what has it been like so far, Kelly? You drive yourself around, get your own meals, hold his phone, and have to listen to Shrilli warble around about feelings and the past. Trevor simplifies it to "hanging out." He says that she can't... "Go out with any boys at all?" Kelly says, like it's a death sentence. This makes Trevor laugh, because he was just thinking about asking whether he can still see other girls while she doesn't see anyone else. They're the only two people in this restaurant, by the way. Kelly: "Okay, Trevor. What if you and I really do have a future? Like, I don't know. Like, I don't know that yet." Trevor tries to talk here, but Kelly's not done. She says that marriage might roll around and they won't have spent more than three days together. Then she smacks him with, "I think you're a nice guy." Dis! Trevor, she's clearly seeing someone else, and came out here for a tan. Trevor starts eating food. Kelly says that she doesn't want to "lose" Trevor, and that she wants to keep "something going." Just not dating, I'm assuming. Trevor says that she just wants to keep him "back here." That's a place on the back of her right shoulder, according to Trevor's excellent use of mime. He says that Kelly will keep Trevor on her shoulder in case nothing better comes along, and then she'll pull him out and be all, "I guess it's your turn now." Kelly never says this isn't true. Trevor's fake mime with the fake invisible Trevor goes on too long and is scary. Kelly should run immediately. Kelly: "You're right. I'm not fully convinced that you are the one for me." That pretty much knocks Trevor out of the water, here. "Whatever," he counters. Whatever, indeed, Trevor. Whatever, indeed. He says, "You need to just enjoy the rest of your college life, and I'll go enjoy being a rock star." Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the best line that's ever been uttered on reality television. Trevor fancies himself a rock star. Kelly just laughs because she can't wait to read the recap on this dinner. "I don't want to hold you back," Trevor pouts.
Jilted Trevor puts on his "cynic" hat to tell us that he realizes this was just another date for Kelly. He's all, "Cool! I feel special!" What an ass. Kelly drives away as quickly as possible as Trevor has to wait for a cab! Ha. He says that he's angry with her, and that he just made a fool out of himself. Like it's the first time.
The morning, Trevor starts flirting with Shrilli. Shrilli asks where Kelly is. "Um, she had work," Trevor lies. Someone's taking Trevor's picture. Shrilli figures it out and kind of laughs right at Trevor.
Jacob introduces Janie around the room as his girlfriend, and Janie keeps repeating that she's already met all of these people before. She tells us that she's jealous of Jacob's lifestyle. Jacob's bragging about all of his clothes, saying that he doesn't even have time to wear them all, and Janie's eating Ramen on her futon. She says it's frustrating because she lives the life for a few days and then has to go back home. She thinks he might get interested in one of his fans. Uh, honey, that'd be illegal.
Minneapolis. "Making the Fan" competition again. Round Two. More crying girls. Crying, crying, sad-ass girls. One girl sobs and tells Jacob that she loves him so much and needs a hug. "A hug right now to me would just be more than anything else could ever could in my lifetime," she says. The end of this recap to me right now could be more than could just be could with could. Ever. WOOOO! Jacob is eating all of this up with three spoons and gives her the hug. She's illegal, Jake!
For some reason, Erik cuts in here with a voice-over saying that he can't even imagine having a relationship right now. Erik then gives Ashley a look. Ashley smiles back. I'll leave that bit alone, there. So, these boys are watching each other hold very young girls and they're discussing having relationships? That's so creepy and wrong. Ashley tells us that he and Erik have had "more than one" conversation about how hard it is to have a relationship right now. Again, just backing away. Ashley tells us that he feels he's losing touch with people from his past. We cut to some strange scene where Ashley pretends he's just casually walking up to Shrilli going, "What are you doing later?" Shrilli pretends that she has a choice or a car or a per diem and asks, "Later tonight?" because that's her line. She says, "Nothing." The plates behind them are Florida. Huh. Where do you think this scene was shot? Ashley stammers his fake line about going out for dinner and a movie and Shrilli smiles and asks whether that would be like a date. This scene is too fake for any more recapping.
Cut to the fake date. Ashley, the scrub hanging out the passenger side of his best girl's ride, says he knows that Shrilli drove, but that she should stay in the car for a second. He runs around to the driver's side and opens the door for Shrilli. She giggles. They're still wearing the clothes from the last scene, so you know, just showing again how "authentic" the "asking on a date" thing was.
Ashley takes Shrilli to Brio. According to Yahoo! Maps, the Brio Tuscan Grill is in Winter Park, FL. Man, poor Ashley with his bad directions. They can't even find a good restaurant in Hollywood. Or Minneapolis. Ashley tells us that he's always had a fantasy of taking Shrilli out on a date. He says he's starting to view her as "more than just a friend" again.
Ashley asks the waiter whether they make Shirley Temples. The waiter's like, "You mean soda with cherry juice in it? I'll see what I can do, kid." Ashley orders the Shirley Temple with some water. Nice baseball shirt for the date, too, asshole. Buy a suit. Ashley tells us that Shrilli was the first girl he ever fell in love with. They laugh behind a menu, both inappropriate. Yahoo! Maps makes this restaurant look like it's inside the Winter Park Mall. I'll bet it is. Ashley says that perhaps he met Shrilli for a reason, and that "maybe" she's supposed to stay a part of his life.
And now, tender scenes from a short play titled, I'm So Fucking Sure:
Shrilli: Do you feel like we gave up? Like, being together?
Ashley: Gave up trying? Honestly, I don't...[ eats bread]
Shrilli: There was a point where I felt like you'd never let me go, and then to hear you say those words just totally killed a part of me and it was just like having you die, like...
Ashley: It's a bad time to remember for the both of us, you know what I mean?
[Pause. Shrilli looks unconvinced.]
Shrilli: Um hmmmmm.
It's a perfect "um hmmmm" that says, "Whatever, asshole," and I can't do it justice here. Ashley bullshits and blah-blahs about making this their first date, when everything can start over new, and all bad feelings will just go away, and the past is the past. The closed captioning isn't working here, because the conversations at all of the other tables in the restaurant are much more engaging. They toast with iced teas.
In the mall parking lot, Ashley flirts with Shrilli and tells us how much he totally digs Shrilli again. What an ass. He says he misses having a relationship. He likes being out on a date. They kiss in the lot, without any kind of tongue. Shrilli almost tries to pull off Ashley's jacket that she's got draped over her shoulders.
Oh. My. God. Shrilli's inside her mini-van and Ashley's on the other side of the closed window, and he's asking her whether it's okay that he just kissed her. Shrilli sounds like she's suffocating inside the glass, like when you leave a dog inside your car to go buy a Diet Coke, and she's all, "Uh huh!" He asks whether she liked it as much as he just did. Shrilli says, "Yeah," like a little kid lying so that she doesn't get in trouble with Mommy. Then, the dumbest thing I've ever seen: Ashley fogs up his side of the window and draws a heart with his finger and Shrilli does the same thing on her side of the window. So stupid. So fake. I hope Shrilli's getting paid for this stint. Fade to stupid commercial. God, that was so bad, people. Djb, Heathen, how did you last so long? Wait a minute. Djb recapped like, ten minutes of this season and Heathen totally quit. I'm so stupid. I'm the Shrilli. I'm the Shrilli!
New York. Jacob tells us that they're doing the finals for "Making the Fan." Janie and Shrilli are there. Boston Mike pulls the guys aside to say that the girlfriends are not welcome at the finals. The boys are supposed to look available, single, and attainable. They can't do that with Shrilli and Janie around. Silent Mike looks unhappy. Someone from J Records has to explain to O-Town that they are "working," and that they can't have girlfriends run around while they are at work. Ashley says that this would mean more to the girls coming from Mike on the Mike, and asks them to tell the girls they can't come along. The Mikes are like, "No way, douche. Handle your own bitch." Erik busts in to say that the girls are adults and will understand. Easy for you to say, single boy.
Outside, Ashley handles it delicately with Shrill: "They don't want you to come." He doesn't even look at her. Silent Mike muscles Shrilli out of the building. She tells us in a voice-over that she feels like the glue that keeps the boys together, but that she's not really allowed to be there. Everyone on this show has such an incredible sense of entitlement. It's truly amazing.
Shrilli and Janie are pouting to us. Janie says this is frustrating. They say they're gonna go walk around, just like they did yesterday.
Ashley's complaining to Dan that this sucks. Jacob smiles and says, "I can't believe they put up with that." Then he smiles at how great he is, and how he's worth all of this. Asshole.
More stupid fans telling me how great O-Town is. Some girl totally freaks the fuck out and screams, "I'd have sex with him every day! Every day! Oh, my God!" Blood pours from my eyes at the image.
The boys say hello to another packed Planet Hollywood room. Their celebrity is awe-inspiring.
Our first finalist tattooed O-Town to her back. It cost her $175. Some tattoo artist should be thrown in jail. Because she's a minor, because she's an idiot, and because she will want one less record of her stupidity, I won't repeat her name here. But she's tattooed the band's logo to the small of her back. She repeats that it's real. Real dumb. The guys are shocked as well. Jacob doesn't even consider O-Town to be his first band.
More fans. People write on their bodies, take off their clothes, speak in foreign languages, and deliver pizzas. Someone does a science project on O-Town. Two girls scream. One girl runs towards the boys. Another girl screams, "You rock! You rock my world!" I don't see how any of these people are ultimate fans. Phil stands with a mike and says, "My name's Phil. I'm from Staten Island. I'm not afraid to say it. I love O-Town." "Somebody lost a bet," my roommate grumbles from the other room. More grinding, dancing, love for O-Town. I'm ignoring it all.
Back in the green room, the guys have to decide the winner. Jacob is very impressed with the tattoo girl, since she'll have it for the rest of her life and this band won't even be remembered come November. Ashley doesn't think it would send a good message to pick the tattoo girl, since they don't want moms complaining about their daughters getting tattoos. Good point, Ashley. I can't believe these kids actually get to pick anything, anyway. I'm sure it's all Cleve. Erik and Jacob remind Ashley that Tattoo will have O-Town on her for the rest of her life. Ashley tries to make his point again, but now Jacob's just bragging that he has a tattoo as well and knows how permanent they are. Nobody's listening to each other, so Tattoo gets to win the contest. "My vote's for Donna," Trevor says, way too late. Hey, who's that other guy in the band? There are five members?
Tattoo wins. I'm not positive, but I think Abby from American High was standing to her. Tattoo cries and hugs the boys. I refuse to recap her because she makes me sad.
Here's the best scene ever. Hotel. Who knows when or where we are. Ashley is telling Shrilli that she looks beautiful. She thanks him. He sits at the edge of the hotel bed and takes off his shirt. She reads through the hotel folder about room service. He moves her so. Ashley says, "Shell, I'm really, really, really glad that you've been able to come spend time here. Like, really, really, really glad. Makes me happy to, like, see you." Shrilli just keeps on reading. There's an edit and Shrilli is now fixing Ashley's necklace as he continues. "And I'm thinking that I should just, like, ask you to, like, be with me before it's too late." What's this "be with me" crap? Shrilli says nothing. "Would you be with me again?" Ashley asks. There's a camera change and a perfect pause. Shrilli shakes her head. "No," she babies. It sounds like her first word. She looks down, chews her gum, and looks back up as if he might hit her. Ashley is speechless and can only mutter an awed, "Like..." It's so funny that I watch it five times. "Like..." Oh, man. "You just freaked me out, like so much. Are you serious? No?" Shrilli doesn't say anything. Ashley wipes his face and says he never expected her to say that in "like, a million years." Shrilli says that she doesn't want him to "like, be mad." Ashley says he's not mad. Shrilli says that he's not ready for her. She comes to visit him for three days and she's in a hotel room the entire time and only sees him for a few hours. Ashley realizes he's not gettting any Shrilli Shake, and puts his skanky gray shirt back on. He says he's not mad at her, but that he needs to go walk for a second. Like.
Out in the hallway, Ashley cries. He cries and cries and cries. He tells us in a voice-over that his entire life is changing.
Shrilli sits alone in her hotel room thinking, "I wonder when I can call Steve back in Florida to make plans for Friday."
On a tour bus, Ashley checks his messages. None. Poor, lonely Ashley. This is all so fake, here, but I love it. He wakes up Trevor and asks to talk to him. He sits down and tells Trevor that he got turned down this weekend as well. Trevor, like the good friend he is, starts laughing his ass off. He asks whether Ashley's serious. Ashley says he is. Trevor's all, "You asked her to be with you again?" What is that? "Be with you." So stupid. Ashley says he did, and that Shrilli said no. They slap hands and bond over being losers.
As O-Town pulls into a Wal-Mart parking lot where one hundred girls are wearing their best Bonne Bell in anticipation, Trevor sums up this episode with the following words of wisdom as Richard Marx plays in the background: "Do I want a girlfriend? A lot of the time I do. A lot of the time I do. But a lot of the time I don't just because I see how it's hard to keep a girlfriend when you're in a band." So deep.
The boys forget all woes as they see how many people are at the Wal-Mart parking lot. Don't they know that people go there to shop? They get off the van, and Ashley tells us he might not ever find a girl he falls so deeply in love with as he did with Shrilli. He says that's hard knowledge at nineteen. He says it's a sacrifice he's willing to make. Because Ashley will never love anybody the way he loves Ashley. Erik pushes Ashley on the ass and moves him towards the...hey! Batteries are on sale for $4.97!
We then hear the words to "All or Nothing," because this is the "Art Imitates Life" or the "Horrible Songwriting Imitates Faked Reality Television" episode. Small girls cry and scream as the boys sign autographs. A young girl over-emphatically says, "I love you, Ashley." See? Strangers love Ashley, but his girl doesn't. Ashley asks the young girl if he can give her a hug. She wipes her tears away and he hugs her. She looks at her mom. Her mom is pleased that Ashley wasn't an asswipe to her daughter.
Everyone but Jacob stands on chairs and waves to the Wal-Mart shoppers. He's never invited anywhere. I love it. I wonder what he does with all of his spare time. Maybe he's actually getting some loving in the tour bus right now with the last girl standing.
week: Dan speaks! Ashley thinks that there are only four people in the group. Y'all, I'm serious. I don't think Jacob's actually in O-Town. It's just a lie they keep telling him as an elaborate Make-A-Wish Foundation stunt. Dan screams at Ashley. Ashley's all, "Oh, no, girl, don't you even." It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?