Friday evening, I was kind of a pretty girl. Then I watched two episodes of Making the Band. I had to hear Jacob sing again. Today, I woke up with a gigantic, swollen eye. My left eye is so swollen I can hardly see out of it. Still, I'm recapping. I'm not going to let those boys beat me. I have a bag of Teddy Grahams, an ice pack, my pouting face, and my good typing fingers ready to go. Will I finish recapping before my left eye explodes entirely? Who knows. Man, the things I do for y'all.
Previously on Making the Band: Mike on the Mike was up to no good. Erik told us that Lou doesn't "personally" do that much for O-Town on a day-to-day basis; he only funds it. Shrilli stood in Lou's enormous shadow as Lou flirted with Ashley, who was still wearing that gray shirt. I'm scared of it. Boston Mike explained to the boys that Trans Con cut them off when they cut Lou out of their contract. The boys were stupefied in their stupidity. "Why won't they give us money? Just because we're not making any money for them? How does that happen? What do I use for a cell phone now? Does this mean I have to give back this gray shirt?"
When do you think they made these opening credits? Because the dancing is so silly. Is this an O-Town song playing in the background? Shouldn't it be?
O-Manor. Erik is still trying to understand. He asks again whether Trans Con has cut off their money. They have. Per Diem? Yes. Cleve? Yes. Oh, the creepy silent guy who sits at their table is named Cleve. He's the tour manager. He's been cut off as well, so I don't know why he's still sitting at the table. I wish Erik had said, "Cleve," and then Cleve jumped up like, "For reals? Y'all, I am so out of here. Catch you bitches on the flip side. I'm gonna go towel off some Justin Timberlake." And then kicked his heels in the air and punched Jacob in the face for good measure. But I don't get to choose which staged segments they film. We're stuck watching the fake "why would they do that?" scene. Boston Mike lies that Trans Con was just fine with Mike on the Mike taking over as O-Town's management, and that they'd pay for everything until O-Town was up on its own. Right. My ass. These boys are still working for Trans Con. I said it before and I'll say it again. This is just a power play to keep the boys silent early on. Ashley asks whether this is coming from Lou, or from Trans Con. Boston Mike just moves his head in a certain direction, which means he doesn't actually say anything incriminating, yet allows the boys to think whatever paranoid thoughts might be floating around. Jacob says that this had to have come from Lou, since nothing happens at Trans Con without Lou's approval. Everyone talks at once, and I can't understand anything. Boston Mike says that it came from some guy named Frank, but that Lou knew about it. Jacob leans way back in his ugly blue and red striped shirt and acts like he saw this shit coming from way back. I wish they had to pack and move out of O-Manor tonight, as well. Ashley feels jilted because he thought that Lou was their friend. Boston Mike tells the boys not to say anything to Lou if they see him. See? They are getting played. Played. Silent Mike says the truth is that the less involved the boys are with Lou, the better off they'll be. Ashley can't believe all of this, and is upset. I guess after having all of those private meetings with Lou, he thought he was special.
Ashley tells us in an interview that in the beginning, Lou told them lots of nice things about O-Town's being important to him. Flashback of Lou saying that he cares about the boys, and that they're all in this together. Important music plays as we watch Pouty Jacob in full effect. Flashback to Lou saying that he'll take care of them financially. Important music plays as Pouty Jacob holds his migraine. There's also some sort of pennywhistle playing in the background, which makes me think that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are gonna fake-Irish accent some rousing speech about believing in Lou even when everyone tells you that you're making a mistake. Dan wishes that they didn't have to deal with the business side of things: "Why don't you just let us be entertainers?" Maybe because you aren't. Entertaining. Boring Dan. We get a close-up on Dan's face so that he can finish: "You know I'm sayin'?" I feel you, Dan. For real. Now go find a plot.
We cut to a rehearsal. Trevor explains in a voice-over that this appearance on Good Morning America is very important to them, because they were so shitty at Miss America. This "Liquid Dreams" song doesn't get any better the more I hear it. Their vocal coach's name is Doc Holliday, y'all. Doc. Holliday. Lucky in cards, unlucky in vocal coaching gigs. Damn, they make Jacob stand in the corner. I love it. They try to sing the line about a body like Jennifer (which is so outdated now, by the way. You can't pin J. Lo down for lyrics), and Ashley's voice is so bad here that my ears somehow fold back like a cat's. Oh, wait -- is that Dan doing that? Yikes. These boys sound like they're on Say What? Karaoke. Doc Holliday -- you know what? I refuse to call him that. His name is "No Name." Anyway, No Name tells the boys that they can't sing the line in falsetto. Ashley gives a look like, "Uh, that's all I know how to do. Low growly and then the high falsetto thing. The two shower notes, you know." No Name says it's just a half-step up from what they're already singing. Ashley says he'll give it a try. Then Ashley tells us in a voice-over that the reason they can't sing is not because they can't sing, but because they're thinking about the fact that they don't have a per diem or cell phones or credit cards anymore. The problems with Lou make them unable to sing. You know, I know girls with the same problem. Without cash, performance level goes way down. Ashley tries to hit the note again. Ow. Ow. Stop. No Name's all, "You feel me?" Ashley says that he's light-headed. No Name says that it's called "breathing." Exactly when in the process are you supposed to learn how to hit the notes you sing in a song that you've been touring with, shot a video for, and released as the first single? I'm just wondering, because I'm about to release a video for my song "Special Kind of Girlie Smarts Swimming In Da Girlie Parts" off my new record Pamie's Pie: Slice It (it's #7 on TRL this week), and I'm just wondering when I actually have to write the song. By O-Town rules, I've still got at least nine months, right? Cool.
Boston Mike tells the boys that they're going to have a meeting with Lou tomorrow "to discuss the future, the past, the present." He asks them whether they have anything they'd like Mike on the Mike to discuss with Lou. A teary-eyed Ashley looks like he's about to shout, "Ask him if that week in Peru meant nothing to him? And you can tell him to keep this stupid promise ring." Erik thumbs his nose a few times like he's signaling a pitch. He says he just wants "da tooth." Whatever that is.
Jacob tells us that everyone was already pretty upset when Lou just "happened" to stop by the rehearsal, making everyone even more upset. Someone get Dan away from that microphone. That "hot girl" is going to file a restraining order. Lou half-hugs everyone except Ashley, who gets a full hug. Everyone's all, "Lou. Did you bring me money?" And I know it's "morph-erotic dream," but it's really something about "muff erotic," right? This song is so gross. Lou continues to high-five until the song is over. No Name disappointedly says, "Okay. Okay. It's getting there." You can tell he's trying to make it sound like they've improved so that Lou doesn't fire him on the spot. Lou's laying the charm on as thick as his belt, telling the boys how hot they are and how good they sound. He says that he doesn't hear it every day, so he hadn't heard how much better it sounds. Ashley immediately breaks the deal by asking Lou how he's been and hints that they don't see him much anymore. Lou goes down in history as the World's Creepiest Manager with the following line (of bullshit): "I know when I was on vacation, a couple of glitches occurred but, uh, I'm back on track now to make sure no glitches happen. Okay? Papa's here to protect." I hear the sound of thousands of teens sliding their backs along their shower walls muttering, "I'll never be clean again."
Dan says that he keeps expecting Lou to pull one of them aside for a private discussion.
Lou tries to have a friendly chat with Jacob, but he doesn't seem too interested in talking to Lou. Good for Jacob. "I miss you guys, though," Lou lies. "It's like...you know..." Lou then just shakes his head back and forth, unable to lie any further.
From across the room, forlorn, heartbroken Ashley watches Lou in action. Lou says that he wants to take the boys to dinner soon. Everyone high-fives Lou and starts to take off. Lou's all, "If you guys are leaving, I'm leaving." It looks like everyone's just trying to get away from Lou, but he keeps following with that scary grin on his face. Jacob says that he doesn't want Lou around acting like everything is fine when he knows that they are upset.
Post-visit, Ashley comments that it was a strange visit from Lou, since he didn't bring up any business stuff. Ashley says it like a girl wondering whether her boyfriend is mad at her: "That was a strange visit." Jacob tells Ashley not to talk to Lou nor to ask him what happened, because that's what Lou wants. Lou wants to have a secret meeting with Ashley to tell him why he did what he did. Ashley says that he wasn't going to ask him that, even though he wants to. Jacob says that this all happened because of Lou. Ashley says that he knows, and that he wants to bring it up, but that he won't. Erik says that after everything settles down, they can bring it up. Ashley says he knows, and pouts out of the room.
Silent Mike is asking Lou why the money was cut off. Lou says it's "bizarre." He says it's a major mistake on Accounting's part. Mike on the Mike points out that the accounting department wouldn't have done that on its own, and that the order had to have come from somewhere. Lou says that's correct. Silent Mike is insulted. Lou says that they need a sit-down for the transition phase, so that this problem doesn't happen again. Clearly, Lou wants to talk to these guys to tell them when the money is getting cut off. If they want to manage so badly, they need to stop milking off Trans Con's dime. Clearly, they haven't stopped working for Lou; if they had, they wouldn't hold this fake meeting right now anyway. Lou says he knows that they all care about O-Town and love them, and that they need to fix these problems. He says that he needs to know what happened. Silent Mike and Boston Mike exchange a scared look. Ruh roh!
I do love the commercial breaks on this show. Since I quit smoking, this is the time when I think about smoking and how much better my life was back when I smoked. I didn't have this swollen eye, I went out more, and I had never seen Making the Band. Shit. I need a cigarette.
This double scene crap of the boys rehearsing while the "men" have the "Important Meeting" is such trite crap. Here we go. The boys rehearse their dance moves. Oh, by now I totally know the opening moves to this song. Ashley reminds us that they have Good Morning America coming up. He's hoping this will allow them to redeem themselves on national television. It's like they forget this show airs every week and shows us how poor these guys are as singers. Seriously, do they make Erik step on tacks while he sings? There's no other excuse for that look of extreme pain on his face when he has to sing backup.
At Trans Con, Papa's called a big ol' meeting. He says that communication is very important, and that it sounds like there was a communication breakdown. Silent Mike again states that he doesn't feel like they were informed that this was going to happen. He says that he didn't know January 3 would be the cut-off date. Here is Lie #1 that they told O-Town. Clearly Mike on the Mike knew there'd be a cut-off date after which O-Town wouldn't be funded by Trans Con. I don't think they told these boys that before they signed the new management contracts. Alan, the president of Trans Con, says that he called Mike on the Mike and asked for a meeting to discuss the transitions, and that neither Mike ever responded. He says he asked the two Mikes what they needed, but that they didn't call back for a couple of days. Silent Mike looks guilty. Lou looks like he's glad that he's getting rid of seven incompetent boy-children in one swish of the pen.
No Name asks the boys to sing the bridge again, one at a time. They all hit the wrong notes. Erik explains in an interview that the business stuff is keeping them from singing properly. So many excuses with this band. The Mikes are all, "We knew nothing!" and the boys are all, "We can't sing when we're poor!" I think Erik's wearing purple lipstick. I also think he may have shaved that lip patch off.
Mike on the Mike's eyes are shifting like Lou's playing ping pong. Alan continues to tattle that they all tried to reach both Mikes several times, but that they never got a response, so basically they cut everything off so that they'd hear from them. Smart move on Trans Con's part. These Mikes are horrible managers.
Speaking of horrible, the boys continue to rehearse "singing" and "dancing." No Name is shooting heroin to deal with the pain.
This back-and-forth continues with the boys insulting my ears, Lou insulting my eyes, Mikes insulting my intelligence, and the Trans Con managers explaining how business works. It's exhausting. Boston Mike tries to say that what the Trans Con guys did makes Lou look bad. They cut the scene before we hear them say, "You're the only one who looks bad, you idiot." Boston Mike says that they were either vindictive or incompetent. He thinks he looks cool, but he looks like one of those guys who lashes out with anger when he's been caught in a lie. The higher-ups tell Boston Mike that he's just looking to agitate the situation, whereas they're just trying to move on. Basically they're saying, "Quit being a whiny baby. You fucked up. We're going to fix it. Shut up." He says that he probably shouldn't talk this way to the group because he's making the boys paranoid. This is the smartest thing anyone has ever said on this show. I've only seen six episodes, but I'm pretty sure this is the smartest thing. Mike on the Mike only make O-Town feel like they aren't being taken care of, when in reality the boys should think that everything is perfect at all times. The more they're worried, the less money they can steal from behind the boys' perfectly toned backs. The honcho continues to call Mike on the Mike "naïve," telling them that they have to take some responsibility in all of this, since it only happened because they weren't doing their jobs. Mike on the Mike look like they just got spanked. Good. They both touch their faces at the same time, which is such a tell for liars.
Someone plugs in a guitar. Why? City shots of rain and walls.
The boys rehearse as Mike on the Mike show up. Ashley tells us that he doesn't want to think that everyone has a hidden agenda. Silent Mike just flat-out lies to the boys, saying that it was just a power play. He sums everything up with the following ridiculous words: "I think they just wanted to take a crap in our hat and see if we'd wear it." Poor Ashley believes him. Silent Mike says that he still doesn't see where they were coming from. Boston Mike says that the Trans Con guys know they screwed up, and that they took responsibility for it. Do they know that we can see them on television? Do they know that the boys will eventually see the Mikes lying to them? Do they know what television is? Boston Mike says that Trans Con wanted to move on, so Mike on the Mike were like, "Whatever." That is so what happened, right? Sweet, dumb Ashley asks whether there are hard feelings. Boston Mike plays martyr and whines that there are no hard feelings toward the boys, but that most of the hard feelings are directed towards himself. Ashley says that he doesn't want Mike on the Mike to have Trans Con hate them. Too late, Sweet Ashley. Now go back to learning the cities in Florida. Ashley tells us that it's difficult when they get pulled into the business side of things, because they just want to close their eyes, plug their ears, and let Mike on the Mike take care of everything. Wow. Poor kid is gonna hate himself when he watches these tapes in ten years at the house of a friend who has a VCR. Why aren't their parents involved? My dad would be all up in Boston Mike's shit. Boston Mike would quit and start a goat farm just to stop answering my parents' questions. Ashley says that he wants to have a meeting with Lou. Mike on the Mike ask the boys whether they have any more questions. Ashley looks suspicious during the silence as we fade to commercial.
Lou rolls up in his limo and hugs the boys. Ashley explains that they held a meeting with Lou to discuss the money situation. Mike on the Mike are there too, so honesty will be thrown out the window. We have an unnecessary shot of everyone walking into the building one by one, delaying the lies by a few more seconds.
Trevor acts as though he understands anything, demanding to know why "the actions were taken." The boys still think that this was Trans Con, and that it had nothing to do with either Lou or Mike on the Mike. Lou says that when he found out this happened, he was "devastated." He lies that this happened without his knowing about it, and that when he found out about it, he got on the phone and changed it. Jacob says that he doesn't understand how this could happen without Lou's knowing. Lou's all, "See, what had happened was," like he's explaining to Jerry Springer why he cheated, but that it's not his fault just because the bitch found out and that doesn't really make him a cheater, for real. Lou tries to make it sound like the problem came from the absence of Mike on the Mike on his staff, and that since nobody has been hired to replace them (because they're still working for Trans Con, clearly), there were communication problems. This is all such bullshit that I don't really want to write these lies down. Pictures of the New Kids shine down from behind Lou's shoulder, openly laughing at the disgrace boy bands have become. Lou says the following sentence: "You know where I'm coming from. You know me. As close as I am. As a part of you." Erik looks at Lou like, "Man, I say some fucked-up shit that makes no sense, but you aren't even speaking words that are supposed to go in that order, man." Lou says that he's behind them a "zillion percent," and Jacob tries to figure out what one-sixth of a zillion would be. Lou says that in the future nothing will ever get cut off again without his approval, so that, if they ever get cut off again, it's because he said so. He really says that here, and they're all, "Thanks, Lou." Idiots. Erik says he knows that Lou wouldn't have done this to them. Ashley tells us that Lou is an "intricate character" in this chapter in his life. "Intricate"? That means that Lou is a difficult person. It could also mean that Lou is an elaborate, complicated person having lots of parts. Well, I guess Ashley has a bit of a point. Never mind. Lou tries to make jokes, but I don't want to listen to him anymore. The boys half-hug Lou and wish him a good time in France. Jacob tells Ashley that he hopes Ashley's not confused anymore. Ashley says he isn't, and thanks Lou for meeting with them. God, all this Lou-sucking is so boring. Blah blah blah, Lou's so great. Just last episode it was all, "Lou sucks! Lou's a thief!" Now it's, "Praise Lou! HalleLOUya!" They're even playing some sort of gospel music in the background.
The boys show up at Good Morning America. Jacob says that they need to prove that they deserve to be in the music business, and that O-Town is for real. At least he knows what he's up against. We see a flashback of the Miss America show. Wow. That is bad. Then we see them all upset about how bad it was. Then we hear Jacob tell us how upset everyone was about how bad it was. I'm recapping Jacob telling us how upset everyone was about how bad it was, and I can't get another layer of telling this story again in here, so I'm moving on. I hope they do as well.
Ashley and Trevor are arguing on the set, but they won't really let us hear what they're arguing about. I think Trevor told Ashley something that he needed to do and Ashley's busting out the "you're not the boss of me." Ashley tells us again how bad the Miss America thing was. Trevor and Ashley keep bickering as Dan sits on the ground by himself.
Andrew, O-Town's Clockwatcher, asks Dan not to grab his crotch at the end of the song. Apparently Good Morning America is sensitive to the needs of Americans and know that we cannot handle Dan's auto-manipulation over our morning bagels. Score one for GMA. I love whatever television guide I was reading that called Andrew an O-Town wrangler. What a great title for all of these people. Andrew is pleading with Dan not to touch himself, and Dan looks like he's thinking, "I'm finally Jim fucking Morrison. I love it." He sort of checks Andrew on the shoulder and walks off without an answer. Beautiful.
The boys are in makeup while we hear other boys doing vocal warm-ups while we hear invisible girls screaming. Whatever. Creepy Cleve is wrangled out of the dressing room. Trevor tells us, "If we come off bad [sic]? You can pretty much say that we're done." Dan tells us that this is the first time they're performing with the band in front of such a large audience. Don't they say that every episode?
The boys are singing on a stage. There's some creepy guy standing in the background rubbing his hands like he's Mr. Burns. The lights are all on and the boys aren't made up, so this must not actually be a performance at all. No Name is very happy. Trevor tells us that he saw No Name shake hands with Boston Mike, and they knew that they did a good job. In rehearsal? There are people just walking all around while they're singing and dancing. How many songs do they get to do, anyway?
Erik's facial hair is completely different again. He says that it's really cool to dance in front of people playing actual music. Boy bands: not your usual rock and roll experience. Ashley gets to hold on to his crotch and make pumping motions. Dan points his finger and screams, "Unfair!" God, this song is so bad. "Janet Jackson's smile"? Erik tells us again that they plan to show up to the show. Erik at least sets his goals low enough that he can achieve them. "We just might be good," Erik hopes. I have nothing to say to that.
Ashley blows a kiss to someone in the audience. Trevor tells us that he felt really good about this performance. Backstage, the boys are all proud of themselves. Now they're all wearing different clothes than the ones in which they were just performing, so clearly we just saw two different performances, or the rehearsal and then their reactions after the show. Maybe they have the same camera crew for GMA and Making the Band. I mean, how much money could ABC have these days, anyway?
The music sounds like the fat dude just showed up on Chains of Love. It's Andrew, the Clockwatcher. He starts barking off a list of places where the boys need to be and what they need to do to get ready for the thing. I think they want us to sympathize with the boys here, thinking that they don't even have time to celebrate their first good performance, but in reality I'm thinking, "Oh, boo hoo. You only have three hours until you're back on MTV? Don't cry to me, asswipe. Go whine to Mandy Moore." Jacob tells us he's excited that the audiences are getting bigger. He says he knows that they have a lot of work ahead of themselves to prove to people that they're an actual group, and that it's going to take time. Again, somehow, Jacob has a point; he seems to understand that the world is laughing at them. For a split second I feel bad for Jacob. Then I look at his hair and realize he's totally done it to himself.
I think this swelling in my eye gets worse whenever I hear them sing "Liquid Dreams." I'd better go lie down before I recap the episode. Ow. Ow. Ow.