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Friday evening, I was kind of a pretty girl. Then I watched two episodes of Making the Band. I had to hear Jacob sing again. Today, I woke up with a gigantic, swollen eye. My left eye is so swollen I can hardly see out of it. Still, I'm recapping. I'm not going to let those boys beat me. I have a bag of Teddy Grahams, an ice pack, my pouting face, and my good typing fingers ready to go. Will I finish recapping before my left eye explodes entirely? Who knows. Man, the things I do for y'all.
Previously on Making the Band: Mike on the Mike was up to no good. Erik told us that Lou doesn't "personally" do that much for O-Town on a day-to-day basis; he only funds it. Shrilli stood in Lou's enormous shadow as Lou flirted with Ashley, who was still wearing that gray shirt. I'm scared of it. Boston Mike explained to the boys that Trans Con cut them off when they cut Lou out of their contract. The boys were stupefied in their stupidity. "Why won't they give us money? Just because we're not making any money for them? How does that happen? What do I use for a cell phone now? Does this mean I have to give back this gray shirt?"
When do you think they made these opening credits? Because the dancing is so silly. Is this an O-Town song playing in the background? Shouldn't it be?
O-Manor. Erik is still trying to understand. He asks again whether Trans Con has cut off their money. They have. Per Diem? Yes. Cleve? Yes. Oh, the creepy silent guy who sits at their table is named Cleve. He's the tour manager. He's been cut off as well, so I don't know why he's still sitting at the table. I wish Erik had said, "Cleve," and then Cleve jumped up like, "For reals? Y'all, I am so out of here. Catch you bitches on the flip side. I'm gonna go towel off some Justin Timberlake." And then kicked his heels in the air and punched Jacob in the face for good measure. But I don't get to choose which staged segments they film. We're stuck watching the fake "why would they do that?" scene. Boston Mike lies that Trans Con was just fine with Mike on the Mike taking over as O-Town's management, and that they'd pay for everything until O-Town was up on its own. Right. My ass. These boys are still working for Trans Con. I said it before and I'll say it again. This is just a power play to keep the boys silent early on. Ashley asks whether this is coming from Lou, or from Trans Con. Boston Mike just moves his head in a certain direction, which means he doesn't actually say anything incriminating, yet allows the boys to think whatever paranoid thoughts might be floating around. Jacob says that this had to have come from Lou, since nothing happens at Trans Con without Lou's approval. Everyone talks at once, and I can't understand anything. Boston Mike says that it came from some guy named Frank, but that Lou knew about it. Jacob leans way back in his ugly blue and red striped shirt and acts like he saw this shit coming from way back. I wish they had to pack and move out of O-Manor tonight, as well. Ashley feels jilted because he thought that Lou was their friend. Boston Mike tells the boys not to say anything to Lou if they see him. See? They are getting played. Played. Silent Mike says the truth is that the less involved the boys are with Lou, the better off they'll be. Ashley can't believe all of this, and is upset. I guess after having all of those private meetings with Lou, he thought he was special.
Ashley tells us in an interview that in the beginning, Lou told them lots of nice things about O-Town's being important to him. Flashback of Lou saying that he cares about the boys, and that they're all in this together. Important music plays as we watch Pouty Jacob in full effect. Flashback to Lou saying that he'll take care of them financially. Important music plays as Pouty Jacob holds his migraine. There's also some sort of pennywhistle playing in the background, which makes me think that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are gonna fake-Irish accent some rousing speech about believing in Lou even when everyone tells you that you're making a mistake. Dan wishes that they didn't have to deal with the business side of things: "Why don't you just let us be entertainers?" Maybe because you aren't. Entertaining. Boring Dan. We get a close-up on Dan's face so that he can finish: "You know I'm sayin'?" I feel you, Dan. For real. Now go find a plot.
We cut to a rehearsal. Trevor explains in a voice-over that this appearance on Good Morning America is very important to them, because they were so shitty at Miss America. This "Liquid Dreams" song doesn't get any better the more I hear it. Their vocal coach's name is Doc Holliday, y'all. Doc. Holliday. Lucky in cards, unlucky in vocal coaching gigs. Damn, they make Jacob stand in the corner. I love it. They try to sing the line about a body like Jennifer (which is so outdated now, by the way. You can't pin J. Lo down for lyrics), and Ashley's voice is so bad here that my ears somehow fold back like a cat's. Oh, wait -- is that Dan doing that? Yikes. These boys sound like they're on Say What? Karaoke. Doc Holliday -- you know what? I refuse to call him that. His name is "No Name." Anyway, No Name tells the boys that they can't sing the line in falsetto. Ashley gives a look like, "Uh, that's all I know how to do. Low growly and then the high falsetto thing. The two shower notes, you know." No Name says it's just a half-step up from what they're already singing. Ashley says he'll give it a try. Then Ashley tells us in a voice-over that the reason they can't sing is not because they can't sing, but because they're thinking about the fact that they don't have a per diem or cell phones or credit cards anymore. The problems with Lou make them unable to sing. You know, I know girls with the same problem. Without cash, performance level goes way down. Ashley tries to hit the note again. Ow. Ow. Stop. No Name's all, "You feel me?" Ashley says that he's light-headed. No Name says that it's called "breathing." Exactly when in the process are you supposed to learn how to hit the notes you sing in a song that you've been touring with, shot a video for, and released as the first single? I'm just wondering, because I'm about to release a video for my song "Special Kind of Girlie Smarts Swimming In Da Girlie Parts" off my new record Pamie's Pie: Slice It (it's #7 on TRL this week), and I'm just wondering when I actually have to write the song. By O-Town rules, I've still got at least nine months, right? Cool.
Boston Mike tells the boys that they're going to have a meeting with Lou tomorrow "to discuss the future, the past, the present." He asks them whether they have anything they'd like Mike on the Mike to discuss with Lou. A teary-eyed Ashley looks like he's about to shout, "Ask him if that week in Peru meant nothing to him? And you can tell him to keep this stupid promise ring." Erik thumbs his nose a few times like he's signaling a pitch. He says he just wants "da tooth." Whatever that is.
Jacob tells us that everyone was already pretty upset when Lou just "happened" to stop by the rehearsal, making everyone even more upset. Someone get Dan away from that microphone. That "hot girl" is going to file a restraining order. Lou half-hugs everyone except Ashley, who gets a full hug. Everyone's all, "Lou. Did you bring me money?" And I know it's "morph-erotic dream," but it's really something about "muff erotic," right? This song is so gross. Lou continues to high-five until the song is over. No Name disappointedly says, "Okay. Okay. It's getting there." You can tell he's trying to make it sound like they've improved so that Lou doesn't fire him on the spot. Lou's laying the charm on as thick as his belt, telling the boys how hot they are and how good they sound. He says that he doesn't hear it every day, so he hadn't heard how much better it sounds. Ashley immediately breaks the deal by asking Lou how he's been and hints that they don't see him much anymore. Lou goes down in history as the World's Creepiest Manager with the following line (of bullshit): "I know when I was on vacation, a couple of glitches occurred but, uh, I'm back on track now to make sure no glitches happen. Okay? Papa's here to protect." I hear the sound of thousands of teens sliding their backs along their shower walls muttering, "I'll never be clean again."
Dan says that he keeps expecting Lou to pull one of them aside for a private discussion.
Lou tries to have a friendly chat with Jacob, but he doesn't seem too interested in talking to Lou. Good for Jacob. "I miss you guys, though," Lou lies. "It's like...you know..." Lou then just shakes his head back and forth, unable to lie any further.
From across the room, forlorn, heartbroken Ashley watches Lou in action. Lou says that he wants to take the boys to dinner soon. Everyone high-fives Lou and starts to take off. Lou's all, "If you guys are leaving, I'm leaving." It looks like everyone's just trying to get away from Lou, but he keeps following with that scary grin on his face. Jacob says that he doesn't want Lou around acting like everything is fine when he knows that they are upset.
Post-visit, Ashley comments that it was a strange visit from Lou, since he didn't bring up any business stuff. Ashley says it like a girl wondering whether her boyfriend is mad at her: "That was a strange visit." Jacob tells Ashley not to talk to Lou nor to ask him what happened, because that's what Lou wants. Lou wants to have a secret meeting with Ashley to tell him why he did what he did. Ashley says that he wasn't going to ask him that, even though he wants to. Jacob says that this all happened because of Lou. Ashley says that he knows, and that he wants to bring it up, but that he won't. Erik says that after everything settles down, they can bring it up. Ashley says he knows, and pouts out of the room.
Silent Mike is asking Lou why the money was cut off. Lou says it's "bizarre." He says it's a major mistake on Accounting's part. Mike on the Mike points out that the accounting department wouldn't have done that on its own, and that the order had to have come from somewhere. Lou says that's correct. Silent Mike is insulted. Lou says that they need a sit-down for the transition phase, so that this problem doesn't happen again. Clearly, Lou wants to talk to these guys to tell them when the money is getting cut off. If they want to manage so badly, they need to stop milking off Trans Con's dime. Clearly, they haven't stopped working for Lou; if they had, they wouldn't hold this fake meeting right now anyway. Lou says he knows that they all care about O-Town and love them, and that they need to fix these problems. He says that he needs to know what happened. Silent Mike and Boston Mike exchange a scared look. Ruh roh!
I do love the commercial breaks on this show. Since I quit smoking, this is the time when I think about smoking and how much better my life was back when I smoked. I didn't have this swollen eye, I went out more, and I had never seen Making the Band. Shit. I need a cigarette.
This double scene crap of the boys rehearsing while the "men" have the "Important Meeting" is such trite crap. Here we go. The boys rehearse their dance moves. Oh, by now I totally know the opening moves to this song. Ashley reminds us that they have Good Morning America coming up. He's hoping this will allow them to redeem themselves on national television. It's like they forget this show airs every week and shows us how poor these guys are as singers. Seriously, do they make Erik step on tacks while he sings? There's no other excuse for that look of extreme pain on his face when he has to sing backup.