Previously on Making the Band: Erik explained how the radio works. The boys met DJs. Ashley dumped a girl on a beach. He asked for "time apart." She moaned and wailed. He kissed her head. We learned that her name is Shelli. I know y'all call her Shrilli. Ashley tells us that breaking up with her "didn't feel right." That's not remorse, yo. This here's a booty call.
Opening credits. You know, with a show this bad, you just notice how bad it is bit by bit during the repetition. How bad are these credits? Someone replace Jacob, please. Soon. I don't have the strength.
Okay. You better sit down right now if you're not sitting. Sit down. Do it. We start with a sky shot of the planet Earth, so we know we aren't dreaming. We pan closer and closer like a plane landing. We focus on O-Manor. We hear the sweet sounds of Ashley singing his own song. We also hear the sound of running water. What? Are you sure I'm not dreaming? The camera walks slowly through the hallways like the beginning of Risky Business. We see the bathroom door open. There's so much steam! It's like you could walk right into a naked person in here if you weren't caref-- oh! Shh! It's Ashley. He's showering, and standing just out of our reach. He doesn't know we're here. Let's be quiet and just watch him. Ashley sings as the water runs down his strong back, flowing down and swirling around the taut muscles of his lower back. The water continues to drip and caress his naked flesh, darting and licking the places we'd violate if he'd only let us. His arms work furiously with lather in places we can't quite see. There's so much steam! So much water! We switch to slow-mo so that we can all simultaneously orgasm the moment Ashley flips water over his head and it splashes onto his tan back. Good Christ, this is the best porn ABC has ever broadcast. And Just the Ten Of Us had such a promising title. Ashley's hands dart down to his crotch as the camera pulls back. Sweet Jesus, that was wonderful. End of recap. See ya week.
Come on. That's all that was worth recapping anyway. Oh, fine. Half-naked Ashley stands in front of his closet full of t-shirts, but just picks out that same gray tie-dyed monstrosity with the cross silkscreened onto it. In a voice-over, Ashley tells us that Shrilli is a big "question mark" in his life. We see a shot of a photo album. If only Shrilli were as quiet, innocent, and full of sweet memories as a purple photo album.
Ashley tells us that Shrilli wrote him a letter. Then he proceeds to read from it. Like, oh my God, y'all, how embarrassing. Shrilli must have given nine different kinds of consent, because if my ex-boyfriend were reading my pathetic love letters on national television, you can be sure my ass would be getting a cut of cash comparable to Lou Pearlman's yearly Boys Life contribution. And first of all, Shrilli typed the letter. How lame is that? Anyway, Shrilli's letter: "Ashley. I want you to know in my heart how happy I am for you that your dreams are coming true and that deep down I never had a doubt." Someone diagram that sentence for me, okay? Ashley stands half-naked in a doorway and continues. I'm not listening to a word coming out of his mouth. "I believed in you so much, it scared me at first to think that you could be so happy without me in your life. But I am thinking of you from time to time and I will always be here if you should ever find yourself in need of a true friend. Love always, Shelli." Translation: "So, you're starting to make money? Remember me? I dated you when you were a nobody. Wanna date me again so I can go to fancy parties and meet hot celebrity boys?" They have a bluescreen of a handwritten letter behind Ashley, so either they typed Shrilli's letter for this scene, or they faked an Oprah letter behind Ashley's head. Either way: lame.
Ashley explains that Shrilli was his high-school sweetheart. He says they "shared a lot together for a long time." He flips through photographs of boys he knew as he keeps talking about Shrilli. He says she was his first "for a lot of things." Notice there's no mention of love, passion, devotion, heartbreak, or anything resembling romance. He just dated her in high school, they fooled around, and she's the only girl he's ever been with.
Ashley goes to breakfast or lunch or something with Dan. Dan is wearing a ski cap, so I'm not quite sure it's him because I'm new here. Ashley reminds Dan that they aren't supposed to date girls because it's bad for their images, and the fans will be jealous. Ashley admits that there were more reasons for his breakup with Shrilli. He says he feels bad now. He says the words "in the back of my mind" quite a few times, and says that maybe he would have tried harder with Shrilli if Lou hadn't asked him to dump all girls. Ashley confesses to us that when he thinks about Shrilli, he just gets confused. Poor Ashley. Is he just not allowed to say he is in love with Erik? It would make all of this much simpler. Suddenly Ashley and Dan have food so that Ashley can voice-over that he's not over Shrilli. He tells Dan that they've been so busy lately. Dan says that he saw the upcoming schedule and that they're going to be flying somewhere and "doing something" every day. Wow. Almost like a tour. Dan then lists off a few cities he read about. Ashley looks confused.
City shots. Another airplane flies overhead. The boys are in Detroit, doing the "WDRQ Kringle Jingle." I didn't make that up. We see the boys singing and hear the sounds of girls screaming. I think we're actually watching a rehearsal, though, and that the girls are just pre-recorded. Erik explains what a "promotional tour" is. I'll spare you, since I'm sure you understand. You have brain cells. They function. I won't insult you. The boys dance for about ten girls. The moves are stolen from three different Backstreet Boys videos. In other news, Erik thinks he can grow a mustache. These kids are so full of their own delusions that they can no longer be reached.
Dan turns into some sort of parody of himself as he tells us, "Small venues in general are really tough to play in." Now it's stadiums or nothing for these guys. Get over yourselves. We then see the boys entering a huge outdoor stage in front of a very small audience. Dan says that you never know what kind of equipment you'll get in a small venue. They're at the "Miami Dade County Fair, Victory of Youth Show." Victory of Youth! Are they at a Christian Ministry concert? I'll bet Jesus doesn't want them singing "Liquid Dreams" around those virgin ears. Dan complains that when the speakers are up to the stage, sometimes the speakers cause the CD that plays all of their music to skip, and then they look stupid because their song is all screwed up! I love that. Learn to play an instrument. We see the audience of seven looking very bored and tired. The CD skips about nine times and then shuts off. Whee! There's a shot of Jacob crushed by the music's cutting out. He clutches his forehead in agony, knowing that he's been exposed for the musical fraud that he is. Hysterical.
The boys all laugh about the CD's skipping. They almost let the audience know they were lip-synching! Lou hangs out behind them, checking out Ashley's ass, making me very uncomfortable. All of the boys talk at once, saying "what the" and not "what the fuck," as Erik eats some fruit. That's my favorite sentence I've ever written in a recap.
Ashley says a bunch of words that don't really make sense in any order involving lists and stages, but he's so cute it doesn't matter. Cute wins again! I'm twelve! Take off your clothes, boy, and get to washin'!
The boys hear about their upcoming tour dates. Trevor yawns. Jacob's asleep. Now he'll be bitching tomorrow, all, "How was I supposed to know we were going to Memphis?"
These poor kids. Now they're in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin for the "KISS FM 103.7 School Spirit Show." That's like a punishment, right there. "Oconomowoc" is Cherokee for "Naked Showering Man-Child Makes Me Feel Conflicted in a Young Americans Kind of Way." Ashley sings and sweats his way into my daydreams. He then says dumb things about having no time to rehearse with this tour schedule. Uh, Ashley? Once you start the show, generally that means you don't have to rehearse anymore.
Something terrible has happened to Trevor, and they've decided to replace him with a troll doll. The troll doll tells us that rehearsals are more important than interviews and radio gigs, except that they aren't so they're not doing them. These boys have no idea what they are doing. None. I think he's about to start crying as he tells us that they just have to do what the record company tells them to do.
Andrew of J Records is telling "Where'd You Pahk da Cah" Mike that Lou called; according to Lou, the stage the boys are going to be performing on sucks, so they should probably lip-synch. They call it "full playback." Someone's complaining about the lip-synching. Who could that be? Oh, hi, Jacob. Yes, we almost forgot about you. Jacob says they aren't a lip-synching group. He says it's "not an option." In fact, he says it twice.
Oh, but look how it's suddenly an option. Here at the "Long Beach, California FOX Family Charity Special," you can see people giving up on their lives left and right, just jumping off of high places, holding their heads under water, calling their families to apologize for wasting oxygen on this planet. The boys lip-synch to a taped audience reaction in front of a fake boulder set with tired dance moves. People are getting drunk in the audience to keep from saying anything. It's like Mr. Burns just announced to Springfield that O-Town is the best band in the world and they all have to pretend they agree. Wait a minute...Lou Pearlman. Mr. Burns. Have you ever seen the two of them in one place? Didn't think so. If I'm not here week, you know who had me plugged.
Now they're in Memphis, where they're learning how small the stage is. Close-up on a dead deer head as Ashley says, "Hey, you know what, though? Doesn't matter, small stage, we're still gonna put on a good show." I wish that people weren't allowed to start sentences with the words "you know what?" anymore. It's not the same as "um." It takes, like, seven thousand times longer to say. The boys perform on a stage the size of my back porch. They don't even have outfits. They're just wearing what they bum around the house in. Jacob's in a hoodie, and Ashley's wearing that gray long-sleeved shirt again. The audience screams for the camera, waving, hoping they'll be on TRL.
The boys wipe the sweat off their glistening bodies as Jacob ruins everything by talking to us. He says that they kept bumping into each other on the small stage, but that it was okay. I'll just ignore the obvious joke here about bumping into each other. But I wish they didn't make it so easy to make the jokes.
Ashley signs an autograph and tells us in a voice-over that O-Town does small shows so that they can do large ones someday. See? Without these voice-overs, we'd be so lost watching this show. Ashley tells us that they have one small show left in West Palm, and then they'll be performing their show in front of 20,000 people. I wonder who they're opening for.
Back at home, the camera focuses on the curve of Ashley's ass again as he lies on his stomach and calls Shrilli. She's all, "Hi. What are you doing?" And is she seven? She sounds like she's seven. The camera isn't even bothering to keep continuity. It's just ass shot after ass shot and I'm not complaining. Obviously, Shrilli agreed to have her conversation recorded, so when she says, "Hello," all like she doesn't know who is on the phone, she does know, so it sounds all fake. She and Ashley go back and forth on the "hello" tip for a while. The camera pulls back again to show Ashley's ass. This is the best part of their phone conversation. Ashley: "Hey. I want you to come to West Palm because I want you to see our show." Shrilli: "Oh, my God! Where's West Palm?" Ashley: "West Palm...I don't really know. Actually. I don't know." Aren't they living in Florida? God. Buy a map, people. Stay in school. Ashley points out that Shrilli hasn't seen them perform in a long time, and tells her that he got her letter. Shrilli says that she didn't want her letter to come off as pathetic, and that he doesn't have to give her a pity invite because of it. I don't know exactly what's going on, but every time Shrilli speaks, my cat jumps up to me on the bed and starts humping the pillow near the television. It's disturbing, and I hate Shrilli for it. Ashley says that the letter made him feel better. Shrilli says that she's worried about things, and that she still cares about him; then she repeats that she doesn't know anything. Then Ashley says he knows about not knowing anything, and he knows that he doesn't know, too. I know that I don't know why I am watching this and writing down their every word. I could have done something with my life. Ashley says that he wants Shrilli to see how they've grown as a group. And to meet his new boyfriend. Ashley's got those dilated pupils. He must have been sharing some shit with Jacob before he called Shrilli up. They coo at each other that it's good to hear each other's voices, and Ashley hangs up. It's hard to make a dramatic shot out of someone closing his cell phone, but the camera people have Ashley hold out his cell phone and try to do it. Mission failed miserably.
West Palm Beach, Florida. That's in the United States, Ashley. As the boys sit inside some trailer waiting for their go time, Ashley gets a call on his cell. It's Shrilli, and she's stuck in traffic. She won't get there in time for the show. The boys are all jamming and "singing" around him as Ashley tries to have a conversation. So rude, these boys. Ashley tells Shrilli that they go on at 7:30. Clearly they're still just an opening act. Jacob looks jealous, for some reason. Ashley hangs up the phone and pouts.
Y'all, the West Palm show is called "WLDI Wild 95.5 Holiday by the Shore." I think I'll just make up the name of the radio promotional tour date, and you can tell me if you even notice. The boys sing "All or Nothing" for fifty pre-teens.
Ashley tells us that he's nervous about meeting Shrilli tonight, and that he's sure she's nervous as well. I see Shrilli for the first time as Ashley voice-overs that they're finally going to get a chance to talk. Yikes, this girl has some fake everything. Fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake titties. Fake. She's a perfect O-Town beard. Ashley admits that he's scared, as we go to commercial. Is this the first commercial? Why does the world hate me so?
Ashley spots Shrilli, but Erik runs up and grabs her first. He holds her, carries her, and starts nuzzling her neck as Ashley screams for Erik to "give her back." Ah. So they shared her at one time. I get it. So that's how it is in their family. Shrilli doesn't protest Erik's molestation, and Erik over-acts how turned on he is by her, so everyone's playing some game here. Ashley and Shrilli hug, and Ashley refers to "you guys," so I guess Shrilli didn't come alone.
In a completely spontaneous moment, Ashley introduces Shrilli to Andrew. Ashley gives Andrew's full name and title. They all get on an elevator together. Andrew, still holding some packs of O-Town trading cards, gives Shrilli her very own pack. Andrew loves the trading cards. Shrilli looks mortified that someone might find her with a Jacob card. Girl, we all know. Just put them between the mattress and the box spring. Uh, at least that's what I hear the other girls do. Shrilli needs someone to explain the concept of eyeliner to her. It is not a Sharpie. Ashley says something about it feeling different, but he rolls his tongue around the edge of his lower lip before he does, so I totally don't hear a word he says.
Shrilli walks through the hotel room to Ashley's bedroom. She finds him while he's taking off his clothes. Completely not staged. The camera just happens to find him and he's all, "Oh! You caught me changing!" and it's so Penthouse Forum that I can't even enjoy it. He says he's about to take a shower, and then he'll "be right out." Why don't you just have him "slip into something more comfortable" and we can fully settle back in 1976. I hate these staged moments so much.
Where would we be without the nuggets of wisdom Ashley has decided to share with us? "Any time that you fall in love and you go through a breakup and you see them again...this feeling comes over you."
Post-shower, Ashley is discussing what they'll do this evening. Shrilli suggests that they not go out at all (third base) and that they can just (make out) stay in (tittie sex). Ashley says he'd rather go out. That's such a major dis. He's so not picking up the phone on Shrilli's booty call. He's all, "Isn't that funny that you want to stay in and I want to go out?" because when he was in high school trying not to be gay, he'd ask her to fool around all the time, but now that he knows he's not attracted to her, she wants to screw a boy band boy before he makes millions of dollars. So funny! Shrilli holds up Ashley's trading card and points out that he looks so serious in it. Ashley stands in his black turtleneck, mascara, and eyeliner and squints, like, "Who, me? Acting serious? Excuse me, I just need to get my beret out of its special drawer." Ashley and Shrilli discuss the restaurants inside the hotel and I completely fall asleep from the mundane torture on the screen. That, and Shrilli keeps rolling her eyes, and it's having this Medusa affect on me that might keep me from ever being able to have kids.
In the elevator, strange space music plays. It does. I have no idea why. Ashley hits the button for the lobby, and as the doors close, Shrilli moves in like they're going to have hot elevator sex in front of the cameras. Ashley just reads the numbers on the elevator door as they change. Dis #2, girlie? Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs.
The scary music continues as Ashley and Shrilli are the only two people in this hotel restaurant/bar place. Strange. Shrilli wears her backpack at the table. Stranger. The editors piece together two clips that look like Shrilli and Ashley are just awkwardly looking at each other instead of talking. Ashley has a menu and Shrilli doesn't. They admit to each other that it's strange being together again. Shrilli looks around like she's on Candid Camera, as if the camera in front of her is a fake camera and there's another camera hidden in the bad horticulture around her that's taping this awkward encounter. She says that she doesn't feel like she's really sitting with the Ashley she knows. Ashley says, "I feel like I'm re-getting to know you. I don't know. It's weird." Shrilli cackles and her purple eyeshadow is terrifying. Ashley says that he feels like he knew her for so long, and now he doesn't know her. Shrilli is edited just to hold her chin in her hand and look concerned here. But the film is slowed down. It's slowed down again when Ashley looks back at her with his hand on his temple. Shrilli says she wants to get up and run out the door. Yes! Do it! Ashley's pupils are crazy dilated again. Shrilli chomps her gum and looks uncomfortable. What did she expect? The editors piece together more shots of the two of them looking uncomfortable. Ashley tells her to hurry and eat so that they can get out of there. Why not ask for it "to go"? Whatever. Ashley tells us that this felt like "a really bad date."
Ashley, Shrilli, and Shrilli's backpack walk outside to the hotel pool area. Shrilli opens her arms and starts babbling that she loves this kind of weather, and looks to Ashley like he's going to pull her into his arms and say, "It makes me want to hold you." Instead, Ashley walks right past her screechy baby talk and says, "I kinda want to swim." Do it, Ashley. Take off your clothes. Do it now! And by the way, Shrilli? Can't you read the signs? Ashley: "Look how nice it feels out here." These kids really did need more schooling. They are now sitting to the water as Ashley looks around all suspiciously and says, "I wonder how warm it is." How long have the two of them just been standing there talking about pool water? They stare at each other for a while until Shrilli baby-talks, "Are you okay?" Ashley says that he is. He looks around searching for something and then says, "You look really pretty." Shrilli acts like she doesn't already know that. She says, "Thank you. So do you." Ashley asks whether he looks "pretty" or "handsome." Pretty. You look very pretty, boy. You know you're pretty. Shrilli says he looks handsome. Ashley says he prefers "handsome." Shrilli laughs because she remembers that time Ashley put on her cheerleading outfit and asked her to call him pretty. Ashley says that when he first saw her, he felt like he didn't give her the right hug: "Will you re-hug me?" Oh, God! "Will you re-hug me"?! Boys, even though this bullshit works on Shrilli here, do not write that down on your list of ways to get chicks. That "re-hug" bullshit only works on the clueless. Shrilli's eyes light up to full-on Manson Lamps as she goes, "Yeeeeeah!" She throws her body up and tackles Ashley.
Ashley, Shrilli, and Shrilli's backpack go back to Ashley's hotel room. There's nothing sexy about it. They just sit and talk. Ashley tells Shrilli that he'd like to have a "closer relationship" than they've had in the past couple of months. Shrilli squints. He tells her that he's had the "biggest crush" on her since he was sixteen: "And from then on, like...no one else." Notice that the word "love" never leaves his lips, people. God, I can't stand the sound of Shrilli's voice, people. It hurts to recap her words. She says something about their being close, and that Ashley was her life when they were together, but it's hard for me to hear through the blood pouring out of my head. I have to recap this part, though, because it's that good. Shrilli: "When you left, I didn't realize that you left everything. Like, you left me, but it's like, I saw my family and my work and my job, you know, like, my schooling. When you left, it's like, you had your Superman poster and like, some luggage, and that's it. You had nobody, like, to make you feel at home anymore." One gentle tear rolls down Ashley's sweet flesh as he whispers that he has a whole new life now: "Inside of me, like, my core, like, who I am is, like, still the same, but...it's like there's a lot of new stuff, too." So fucking deep, these kids. "And I'm gonna be, like, everywhere, like, all over the world." Shrilli says that she misses everything about Ashley. "Me too," Ashley says. Man, he so doesn't give a shit about this girl. Fake tears, all about him and his life changes. He gives her another hug and says, "I don't know, Shelli. Help me figure it out." His voice gets all quiet and "intense" to repeat, "Help me figure it out." Ashley, I've figured it all out. Give me a call and I'll explain it all to you over a six-pack of Shiner.
I love how all the O-Town commercials just show shots of Ashley. We all know he's the only cute one in the group.
Back in O-Manor, Andrew is trying to get all the guys ready to go. He's running around like a stage manager, announcing the time. They have ten minutes. Ten minutes of hell for Shrilli, who's stuck making small talk with Scary Lou on the couch. And the talk is the only thing on this boy that's small. Wait -- there might be two small things, but one we can't see right now. Ask Jacob; he'll tell you. Sorry, I'm being mean. Trevor is dancing in front of a mirror. He's decided that he's Lenny Kravitz now. Andrew's asking someone to leave the house just to "set a good example." Ha. Someone gave Shrilli some good drugs before they covered her entire face in thick makeup. Lou's asking how long it's been since she saw Ashley. Since it's his fault they broke up, I'm not sure how happy Shrilli is to be talking to Lou right now. She says that every time she sees Ashley these days, he looks different. That girl's got a huge mouth. She says, "Strange. It's weird." She also can't look directly at Lou. I know, honey. I know. "Welcome to the big world," Lou laughs. God, he's creepy. The camera focuses on the seventeen rings Shrilli's wearing as she fiddles with her sunglasses and asks, "Are they late?" "Yes," Lou answers.
Fake staged shot of Andrew grabbing an iron out of Trevor's hand and shouting, "Let's go!" Why would Trevor be standing in a hallway just holding an iron? They don't iron shit.
Shrilli tells Lou that she's excited because she's never been to an autograph signing. That's what she says. I couldn't add any intellect to it if I tried. There's nothing smart there.
Andrew is still trying to get all of the boys to leave, and they're just ignoring him, taking their own sweet time. It's almost funny. Almost. And that's only because my immune system is weakened from hearing Shrilli talk while I had to stare at Lou's face. You try it. You never pee right again.
Vinnie Testaverde calls me and asks why "that punk-ass kid" is ruining his name with his jersey. I tell him to take that shit up with Lou. The boys are in their limo now. They see the fifty-seven girls paid to scream and act happy to see them.
Someone didn't screen Dan's line very well, because in one breath he calls the fans, the signings, the appearances, and the tours "little, insignificant things." Good job, asshole. He says they do them to "create a buzz." We then see the boys pretending to be interested in meeting their fans.
A girl with braces and bands gets way too close to the camera to go, "I just love O-Town!" She laughs, and I know that in ten years there's going to be a boy she loves who will shake his head and love her even more when he sees how cute and in love with a band of dorks she was.
Shrilli's toe-rings and Dorothy shoes have done it. I now hate her like I hate no other woman on reality television. We pan up from her tootsies to her ass face as she pouts around that she's not the most important girl in the room.
Ashley's wearing the same gray shirt for the signing. He tells us that Shrilli might be feeling uncomfortable. We see girls hold Ashley and tell him that they love him. Shrilli looks nauseous. Perhaps she just realized that the boy she was trying to get back with is most certainly no Justin Timberlake, and that the only fans Ashley has are all under the age of thirteen. She has made a terrible mistake, and national television is going to air it. She tried to get back together with her ex-gay-boyfriend who is a member of the sorriest boy band since Color Me Badd.
This is so sad. We hear a voice-over of one girl shouting, "I love you, Ashley!" We see the boys get into their limo. Shrilli stands to Lou as two girls and some grip stand behind them. There are no girls following the boys back to the limo. They have to dub in girls screaming, since there are none. Shrilli just looks like she's waiting for the limo to come pick her up. Lame. As the limo pulls off, one girl starts running toward the limo shouting, "Ashley!" but they cut the scene before we can hear her finish: "You forgot your juice box!"
Shrilli sits in her limo with Lou and closes her eyes. We can't see that she's looking that exhausted from hearing Lou's "I Mean, I'm Not Into Little Boys, I Just Know What the People Want" speech for the nineteenth time. They edit it so that it looks like Shrilli lost out on her golden Ashley years and that Ashley understands Shrilli's pain.
Four girls sort of trot behind O-Town's limo. A security guard looks at the camera like, "This is the easiest fucking job I've ever had. It's more dangerous when Barney does a signing gig."
Ashley says he wishes there were something he could do for Shrilli, but there isn't: "It's like, out of my control."
More shots of Orlando. Erik informs us, "We have a big show coming up. And...we are gonna blow this show up." Thanks, Erik.
Ashley is wearing the same gray shirt as he hugs Shrilli. Everyone else has changed their clothes. It's pretty obvious that Shrilli is hating every moment of this stupid groupie role they're forcing her to play. I keep trying to read the badges to see who they're opening for, because clearly this amphitheater isn't filling for O-Town. The crowd is about half-empty as they dub in sounds of girls screaming.
Jacob explains to us that there's a rush you feel when you're about to go on stage in front of 20,000 people. The rush is so great that Ashley then pukes right by a speaker. Man, this is the best episode ever. Ashley's puking all over Shrilli's shoes, and she's so not offering to help him. Not even a pat on the back. She's just even more disappointed in her choice of mate. She'd be better off trying to lay Lou at this point. Someone brings Ashley some water. The boys look at Ashley and think, "I wish I could hold back his hair and tell him it's all going to be okay, but I have to go sing now!" Shrilli turns around with a face that clearly says, "Now I understand why Alanis wrote that song for Dave Coulier. It all makes sense. I'm pseudo-dating a boy at the same fame level as the Out of Control guy. Cut it out, indeed." Ashley tries to hug Shrilli, but she shoves her face so far away from his that she's practically hugging me instead.
The boys take the stage. Since there's just a camera on Shrilli now, she can feel free to act like she's having fun again. She smiles and moves her head to see different angles of Ashley. She giggles at the appropriate parts. From this angle, the boys' choreography looks so terrible. It looks forced and like they're in pain. It's like they're following a dance step-by-step from Boy Band 101, but they put the wrong background music to it. Shrilli's wearing a see-through shirt and a black bra, by the way. This girl is all full of class.
The boys move on to "Girl," and Dan shouts it right into the camera with such energy that I have to laugh. What a dork. We get a montage of the concert, with snippets of songs, audience adoration, Erik loving his own body, and Ashley holding his headset.
Shrilli winks at Ashley, as if he's even looking at her. Someone needs to stop Trevor's Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia hair. Boston Mike's flirting with Andrew backstage. Jacob grabs his crotch so hard that it's clear there's nothing under his fist or he'd be in extreme pain. The boys take a bow.
Outside, Ashley sips water as we hear a girl making fun of screaming girls. It's supposed to sound like a fan has escaped, but it's clearly the sound of mockery.
Someone calls for a band meeting in a board room, and Shrilli is escorted out without even a "hey" from Ashley. Girls take pictures of the boys as Shrilli pouts around.
O-Manor. Shrilli and Ashley sit on the edge of a bed. The walls of Ashley's room are blurred out, presumably because there are pictures of actual talented people on them. Shrilli has changed her clothes again. She's blah-blah-ing about all of these people screaming at Ashley and staring at him when she knew him as this little boy. She says that seeing what he's going through helps her to "understand more," but she doesn't say what she's understanding. Ashley says that he's very confused when it comes to her. How hard is this decision, really? She says that they don't work right now because he can't have that confusion. She says that he doesn't have any room for her right now. Ashley says that sometimes he misses her so much, he just wants to go back and live one day like it used to be. One day, y'all. One. No love. Just misses having a girl at his beck and call and not being so busy. They sort of hold hands as Shrilli says she doesn't want to lose him: "Like, if I don't let you go, then I am sacrificing my life for you." They both cry, and Shrilli says that it's Ashley's call. "How pathetic is that?" she asks. Ashley says he's not ready for a relationship right now, and he's sure that she's not, either. He says that he doesn't trust himself with her, and declares that they will sleep in separate bedrooms this evening. Ashley's smiling here, because he's marveling at his own genius. He got out of having to sleep with her or stay up all night talking in bed. Brilliant! Shrilli touches Ashley's tennis shoe with her painted toenail and whines, "I don't want you to go!" Ashley grabs the back of Shrilli's head and kisses her forehead. So many clues, Shrilli. "I just think time is gonna tell," he says, and hugs her. So many clues. "I love you," she says. "I love you, too," he tells her shoulder. Ashley tells us that he wants her in his life, but that he doesn't know how to do that right now. Shrilli watches Ashley pull back the covers for her. We get a shot of Ashley with one tear rolling down his face, but we don't know when he's crying or what he's crying about. Since he keeps wearing the same shirt, the shot might be from when the CD skipped at the concert a few days ago. Shrilli watches Ashley walk out the bedroom door. She's in bed with all of her clothes on? And all of that makeup? This is all so damn fake.
In the episode, all the fakeness ends when the boys realize that dumping Lou takes away their per diem! Tragedy! Life without cell phones!