Ashley's Tears, Ashley's Crack

Previously on Making the Band: Erik explained how the radio works. The boys met DJs. Ashley dumped a girl on a beach. He asked for "time apart." She moaned and wailed. He kissed her head. We learned that her name is Shelli. I know y'all call her Shrilli. Ashley tells us that breaking up with her "didn't feel right." That's not remorse, yo. This here's a booty call.

Opening credits. You know, with a show this bad, you just notice how bad it is bit by bit during the repetition. How bad are these credits? Someone replace Jacob, please. Soon. I don't have the strength.

Okay. You better sit down right now if you're not sitting. Sit down. Do it. We start with a sky shot of the planet Earth, so we know we aren't dreaming. We pan closer and closer like a plane landing. We focus on O-Manor. We hear the sweet sounds of Ashley singing his own song. We also hear the sound of running water. What? Are you sure I'm not dreaming? The camera walks slowly through the hallways like the beginning of Risky Business. We see the bathroom door open. There's so much steam! It's like you could walk right into a naked person in here if you weren't caref-- oh! Shh! It's Ashley. He's showering, and standing just out of our reach. He doesn't know we're here. Let's be quiet and just watch him. Ashley sings as the water runs down his strong back, flowing down and swirling around the taut muscles of his lower back. The water continues to drip and caress his naked flesh, darting and licking the places we'd violate if he'd only let us. His arms work furiously with lather in places we can't quite see. There's so much steam! So much water! We switch to slow-mo so that we can all simultaneously orgasm the moment Ashley flips water over his head and it splashes onto his tan back. Good Christ, this is the best porn ABC has ever broadcast. And Just the Ten Of Us had such a promising title. Ashley's hands dart down to his crotch as the camera pulls back. Sweet Jesus, that was wonderful. End of recap. See ya week.

Come on. That's all that was worth recapping anyway. Oh, fine. Half-naked Ashley stands in front of his closet full of t-shirts, but just picks out that same gray tie-dyed monstrosity with the cross silkscreened onto it. In a voice-over, Ashley tells us that Shrilli is a big "question mark" in his life. We see a shot of a photo album. If only Shrilli were as quiet, innocent, and full of sweet memories as a purple photo album.

Ashley tells us that Shrilli wrote him a letter. Then he proceeds to read from it. Like, oh my God, y'all, how embarrassing. Shrilli must have given nine different kinds of consent, because if my ex-boyfriend were reading my pathetic love letters on national television, you can be sure my ass would be getting a cut of cash comparable to Lou Pearlman's yearly Boys Life contribution. And first of all, Shrilli typed the letter. How lame is that? Anyway, Shrilli's letter: "Ashley. I want you to know in my heart how happy I am for you that your dreams are coming true and that deep down I never had a doubt." Someone diagram that sentence for me, okay? Ashley stands half-naked in a doorway and continues. I'm not listening to a word coming out of his mouth. "I believed in you so much, it scared me at first to think that you could be so happy without me in your life. But I am thinking of you from time to time and I will always be here if you should ever find yourself in need of a true friend. Love always, Shelli." Translation: "So, you're starting to make money? Remember me? I dated you when you were a nobody. Wanna date me again so I can go to fancy parties and meet hot celebrity boys?" They have a bluescreen of a handwritten letter behind Ashley, so either they typed Shrilli's letter for this scene, or they faked an Oprah letter behind Ashley's head. Either way: lame.

Ashley explains that Shrilli was his high-school sweetheart. He says they "shared a lot together for a long time." He flips through photographs of boys he knew as he keeps talking about Shrilli. He says she was his first "for a lot of things." Notice there's no mention of love, passion, devotion, heartbreak, or anything resembling romance. He just dated her in high school, they fooled around, and she's the only girl he's ever been with.

Ashley goes to breakfast or lunch or something with Dan. Dan is wearing a ski cap, so I'm not quite sure it's him because I'm new here. Ashley reminds Dan that they aren't supposed to date girls because it's bad for their images, and the fans will be jealous. Ashley admits that there were more reasons for his breakup with Shrilli. He says he feels bad now. He says the words "in the back of my mind" quite a few times, and says that maybe he would have tried harder with Shrilli if Lou hadn't asked him to dump all girls. Ashley confesses to us that when he thinks about Shrilli, he just gets confused. Poor Ashley. Is he just not allowed to say he is in love with Erik? It would make all of this much simpler. Suddenly Ashley and Dan have food so that Ashley can voice-over that he's not over Shrilli. He tells Dan that they've been so busy lately. Dan says that he saw the upcoming schedule and that they're going to be flying somewhere and "doing something" every day. Wow. Almost like a tour. Dan then lists off a few cities he read about. Ashley looks confused.

City shots. Another airplane flies overhead. The boys are in Detroit, doing the "WDRQ Kringle Jingle." I didn't make that up. We see the boys singing and hear the sounds of girls screaming. I think we're actually watching a rehearsal, though, and that the girls are just pre-recorded. Erik explains what a "promotional tour" is. I'll spare you, since I'm sure you understand. You have brain cells. They function. I won't insult you. The boys dance for about ten girls. The moves are stolen from three different Backstreet Boys videos. In other news, Erik thinks he can grow a mustache. These kids are so full of their own delusions that they can no longer be reached.

Dan turns into some sort of parody of himself as he tells us, "Small venues in general are really tough to play in." Now it's stadiums or nothing for these guys. Get over yourselves. We then see the boys entering a huge outdoor stage in front of a very small audience. Dan says that you never know what kind of equipment you'll get in a small venue. They're at the "Miami Dade County Fair, Victory of Youth Show." Victory of Youth! Are they at a Christian Ministry concert? I'll bet Jesus doesn't want them singing "Liquid Dreams" around those virgin ears. Dan complains that when the speakers are up to the stage, sometimes the speakers cause the CD that plays all of their music to skip, and then they look stupid because their song is all screwed up! I love that. Learn to play an instrument. We see the audience of seven looking very bored and tired. The CD skips about nine times and then shuts off. Whee! There's a shot of Jacob crushed by the music's cutting out. He clutches his forehead in agony, knowing that he's been exposed for the musical fraud that he is. Hysterical.

The boys all laugh about the CD's skipping. They almost let the audience know they were lip-synching! Lou hangs out behind them, checking out Ashley's ass, making me very uncomfortable. All of the boys talk at once, saying "what the" and not "what the fuck," as Erik eats some fruit. That's my favorite sentence I've ever written in a recap.

Ashley says a bunch of words that don't really make sense in any order involving lists and stages, but he's so cute it doesn't matter. Cute wins again! I'm twelve! Take off your clothes, boy, and get to washin'!

The boys hear about their upcoming tour dates. Trevor yawns. Jacob's asleep. Now he'll be bitching tomorrow, all, "How was I supposed to know we were going to Memphis?"

These poor kids. Now they're in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin for the "KISS FM 103.7 School Spirit Show." That's like a punishment, right there. "Oconomowoc" is Cherokee for "Naked Showering Man-Child Makes Me Feel Conflicted in a Young Americans Kind of Way." Ashley sings and sweats his way into my daydreams. He then says dumb things about having no time to rehearse with this tour schedule. Uh, Ashley? Once you start the show, generally that means you don't have to rehearse anymore.

Something terrible has happened to Trevor, and they've decided to replace him with a troll doll. The troll doll tells us that rehearsals are more important than interviews and radio gigs, except that they aren't so they're not doing them. These boys have no idea what they are doing. None. I think he's about to start crying as he tells us that they just have to do what the record company tells them to do.

Andrew of J Records is telling "Where'd You Pahk da Cah" Mike that Lou called; according to Lou, the stage the boys are going to be performing on sucks, so they should probably lip-synch. They call it "full playback." Someone's complaining about the lip-synching. Who could that be? Oh, hi, Jacob. Yes, we almost forgot about you. Jacob says they aren't a lip-synching group. He says it's "not an option." In fact, he says it twice.

Oh, but look how it's suddenly an option. Here at the "Long Beach, California FOX Family Charity Special," you can see people giving up on their lives left and right, just jumping off of high places, holding their heads under water, calling their families to apologize for wasting oxygen on this planet. The boys lip-synch to a taped audience reaction in front of a fake boulder set with tired dance moves. People are getting drunk in the audience to keep from saying anything. It's like Mr. Burns just announced to Springfield that O-Town is the best band in the world and they all have to pretend they agree. Wait a minute...Lou Pearlman. Mr. Burns. Have you ever seen the two of them in one place? Didn't think so. If I'm not here week, you know who had me plugged.

Now they're in Memphis, where they're learning how small the stage is. Close-up on a dead deer head as Ashley says, "Hey, you know what, though? Doesn't matter, small stage, we're still gonna put on a good show." I wish that people weren't allowed to start sentences with the words "you know what?" anymore. It's not the same as "um." It takes, like, seven thousand times longer to say. The boys perform on a stage the size of my back porch. They don't even have outfits. They're just wearing what they bum around the house in. Jacob's in a hoodie, and Ashley's wearing that gray long-sleeved shirt again. The audience screams for the camera, waving, hoping they'll be on TRL.