Stupid Boys

It starts with "Tonight on Making the Band," but instead we see the history of this show, with Lou "Snack Attack" Pearlman looking for five boys to make a boy band. Ashley tells us that Lou "will always be a genius because he has a talent for putting groups together." We see Lou hug boys. We are introduced to Mike Cronin and Mike Morin. They are still employed by Trans Continental Records to manage O-Town. We are told that, and we see the words on the screen. Got it. Ashley tells us that the two Mikes are thinking about leaving Lou's company to come and work for O-Town. Sure they are, kid. What you don't know about the music business could fill Lou Pearlman's dinner plate.

Ashley leans in toward Boston Mike. Boston Mike plays with some electronic device instead. Ashley tells Mike that he's worried about the "contract situation." He confesses that it's the first time he's ever done something like this. No shit? Ashley tells us that it's very important that they watch their backs. Scary music takes over in the background as Ashley informs us that there are some people in this business who will take advantage of you if you let them. Amazing insight for just one boy, isn't it?

Opening credits. With each passing day, my hatred for Jacob grows. He wasn't even really in the last episode and I just hate him.

We start with thirty blissful seconds of sky shots. I love it. I love it so much. Lou enters some room and beelines right for Ashley. Lou hugs Ashley as the other boys back away. Ashley asks Lou what he thinks about "this little production, here." Lou smiles and says, "I love it. I love it. It's phat." I'm leaving that joke alone, people. Sometimes they make it too easy.

Ashley explains to us that, in the beginning, Lou said that he was going to be very involved in the group. He said that he was going to be "one-sixth member." He explained to the boys that instead of being a manager and taking a manager's cut, he'd act like he was the sixth member and take one sixth of all profits. We get a very scary close-up of Lou's face as Ashley tells us that, as time went on, Lou was around less and less. Lou's ear is gigantic. Gigantic! I think I see a bag of Cheetos in there. Ashley says that Lou is too busy to be their manager.

Lou sits behind his office desk and says, "I would love to do it all." How fucking creepy is that? The blinds are closed so you can't see just how sweet Lou's office is. By the way, I'm sure this isn't really his office, but just a "modest-looking place" in which they filmed Lou back-pedaling. He explains that since he runs several companies, he just can't be at O-Town's beck and call. I don't think that Lou owes anyone an explanation. He doesn't have to cater to anything these boys say. How degrading that he even has to pretend to care.

Lou walks up and hugs Boston Mike. Everyone makes small talk. Ashley explains again that the two Mikes (Boston Mike and Silent Mike) are still employed by Lou, and that they're thinking of quitting and working full-time for O-Town. Right.

Lou moves in on Silent Mike, but Silent Mike gives the stiff-arm, so Lou just has to pat him on the shoulder from a distance. Silent Mike looks at Lou like, "You're disgusting. Please leave this room so I don't have to smell you anymore." I imagine that Lou wears tons of Drakkar Noir. Tons of it. Boy juice.

Ashley complains about having to be involved in the business side of things. That's how you're going to end up broke in three years, Ash. Mind if I call you "Ash"? Of course you don't. You don't care what anyone thinks of you or what they call you behind your back. As Ashley talks, we see a shot of Boston Mike staring at Lou and then turning away as Lou turns to look at Boston Mike. It's creepy.

Dan's way too close in his close-up as he tells us, "It's a...it's a sticky situation, man, I'm telling you. It's a sticky situation." Such insight on that boy. Dan explains that Lou is the reason they're even in a band that has a record contract. Lou continues to stare at Boston Mike. "We gotta watch out for ourselves, too," Dan says. Do these boys know that nobody is listening to them? I'm just wondering. Is this early enough that they might still have been convinced that they were going to be superstars?

The boys are in Hollywood for the "Liquid Dreams" video shoot. We see lots of girls standing around as we're told that the boys get to choose the female dancers for the video.

"Swoop" the choreographer is bundled up in all kinds of clothes. He walks over to Trevor and tells him that they'll only look at about ten girls, and out of those, they'll have to chose five. "What?" Trevor asks like he's insulted. He says that they don't want to audition the girls, and that they're already supposed to be picked. Swoop ain't got time for none of Trevor's bullshit. He just keeps playing with his snot rag as he goes, "No." Then Trevor and Swoop speak in grunts and vowel sounds and I can't understand what's happening. Trevor stands in the middle of a group of auditioning girls and says, "If it was up to me, there'd be about a hundred." Then he turns and politely says to one girl, "Excuse me." This boy thinks he's going to get laid at a dance audition. Ass.

The camera follows Trevor (he checks behind himself to make sure) as he mumbles "only have five" over and over again. He walks into a room where the other boys are, and announces what Swoop told him. They all start shouting, "Not it!" because that's what you do when you're twelve. Oh, y'all. Jacob's not there again. Do they invite him to do anything? I love it. Trevor tells us that they don't want to pick the girls.

Cut to a strip club. It's actually the rehearsal/audition room, but there's no difference. Music pumps through about shaking booty, and girls grind, grope themselves, wiggle and jiggle away, hoping to get picked by these children. There are also about sixteen other men in the room watching through the mirror, so I'm not buying that O-Town gets to pick the five girls for the video at all. Boston Mike watches Erik, Trevor, and Ashley get nervous around actual girls. There are also way more than just ten girls in here. I don't know who's doing this voice-over, but it's priceless: "I haven't dealt with girls...in a professional, like, like, in a thea-- in a theatrical performance." Someone else says that they are all beautiful. The camera slowly pans across Erik, Trevor, and Ashley in another staged moment. I hope it's staged, because Erik's fixing to catch some flies in that mouth of his if it opens any wider. "We need to act professional," Erik says, as we watch some girl tuning in Tokyo on her titties. "But then you see them and they're like...pow! Pow! They're like...unh! Unh! You just...." And that's it. That's all Erik has to say. Write it down and live by those words, friends.

The boys clap and Erik mugs to the camera how happy he is to watch girls wiggle in front of him.

We watch the girls wait around as the boys all link arms with Swoop. "This is so funny," one of the boys says, presumably because there's not a girl in that room who does anything for him. Boston Mike and Ashley are cheek to cheek as they discuss the different girls. Across the room, Erik and Trevor are trying to get girls to give up digits.

Cut to a shot of Trevor dancing with a girl. We learn that she's Stacey, Dancer #1.

Cut to slow-motion on another girl. She is DeAnna, Dancer #2.

Dancer #3, Angela, stands near Ashley during the video shoot. Porn music is playing in the background as these girls get their only minutes of fame.

Dancer #4 is half-naked in slow-motion. We see a shot of her ass as we learn that her name is Kristen.