Previously on Making the Band: Erik met his real father onTRL. That Carson Daly can do anything, can't he? Erik said his brain was going through "craziness." A topless Trevor asked Erik what was wrong. Erik said he doesn't like to share his problems with people. Ashley cuted something about needing Erik to pick up the slack. Erik apologized a few times. He'd better be sorry, because now I'm watching a spinning Jacob kick off the opening credits, and I don't feel so good anymore.
Statue of Liberty. The screen tells us that we are in a magical land known as "New York City." The guys are laying down the finishing touches of "Every Six Seconds," a song that basically says, "Girl, I'm trying to be a nice guy and all gentleman-like, but I'm just a young boy. Every six seconds I'm gonna thump my dick into the small of your back, asking you to give it up again." It's a heartfelt, touching melody about young love. It ain't no "Bootylicious," though. Is Trevor's only job on this show to tell us the exposition? We watch all of the boys record backup vocals as the British men in the sound studio goo and coo over them. "Another cold shower!" is the whiny part that Dan attempts a few times. Erik is rifling through a deck of O-Town cards, picking out which boy is totally his imaginary boyfriend. You know what I hate about young boys who think they can sing? When one person is trying to nail their part, the others are not-so-quietly singing in the background, acting like they're "trying" to do the part as well, but really they're hoping that the producers hear them and go, "Yeah. Like Ashley here. Listen to Ashley. Here. Better yet, Ashley, why don't you just record it?" The Popstars bitches did this, too. It's so annoying and sounds like seventeen different notes floating around the room and the person trying to sing will never get the part right.
Jacob tries to sing his part, and the producers are stumped. They don't know how to make it sound like Jacob could maybe sing just one single note. They end up pointing and singing for him, trying to get him to mimic their singing. Fifty-year-old men are singing at Jacob. How does this boy still not know he's talentless? The other producer just starts laughing at the one who's trying to teach Jacob to sing. The producer then tries to explain the song to Jacob, as if knowing what the words mean will help him to sing them to the correct notes. Jacob looks upset that the producers aren't immediately into "his sound" and are asking him to "sing softer."
Dan sings his part and then looks hesitant. The producers tell Dan that his singing is "usable." Dan jokes that "usable" is always good. The producers glance toward Jacob like, "Kid, you have no idea."
I just met these kids and now that they're all wearing ski caps while they sing I'm having a harder time telling them apart. At least Erik's wearing glasses. Why is there a bar stool in the recording booth? Erik's having a hard time singing his part because family stress is getting him down. He just keeps screwing up over and over, and they say they have to move on. There's a strange mix of editing here that makes it looks like everyone in the world is standing around awkwardly waiting for Erik to be able to sing the words, "Cannot concentrate on anything." They even add that stupid heartbeat background noise like there's any kind of tension. As if these five minutes waiting for Erik to sing are anything like the days they had to re-record every note Jacob ever came near. Erik eventually grabs his backpack and says he's going to go outside for a little while.
Outside on some roof, Erik and Ashley are keeping it real. Ashley asks Erik if he's thinking about his father. Erik confesses that he is. He says that his real dad left when he was one and now he's here and he doesn't know him. He's like a stranger. Ashley rubs his face and yells, "Oh, man!" as if this is the first time he's heard about any of this. Erik says that his mother and grandmother raised him and taught him everything. Erik points at the street below him and says that it'd be like he just walked up to some random person on the street and declared that he wanted to meet him and know all about him. He says that his father is just like any other random stranger on the street to him. I wonder if he's breaking it down this much because he doesn't understand or because Ashley's all, "So, dude! Your real dad! Dude, that's awesome! Where was he?" Ashley says this must "weigh heavy" on Erik's heart. He tells Erik that he's got to be able to talk about it or he'll explode. They cut before Ashley helps Erik explode.
We're in Boston now, for a "Syndicated Radio Promotion." A DJ announces that he's sitting with O-Town, and the room filled with teen girls becomes a screamfest. It's "John Garabedian's 'Open House Party,'" and not one of those five words means anything to me. The boys cheer for themselves on the radio. Some guy named Dan who insists he's in the band tells us that "Liquid Dreams" was just released on the radio. The DJ asks the boys to read something for the station as a group; Ashley tries to get them to go on his cue, but they all start without him. Dan explains that it's important that "radio stations" play "their songs" so that people can "hear" the "music." Maybe Dan just learned how the music business works, but the rest of us saw Satisfaction a long time ago.
The DJ mentions that things have really changed for the boys of O-Town over the past year. Ashley gives a cute smile. Dan tries to remember his line. Jacob and Trevor stall and agree over and over again with whatever the DJ spits out. The DJ asks how many hours a day they work on the album. Erik looks at Ashley. "Oh, he means the album for real," he thinks. "Not just what we say when we go off to make out." Ashley answers that they work about twelve to thirteen hours a day on the album. "Five!" Jacob shouts. Ashley explains that they wanted to put out an album quickly, but they also wanted to put out a good album, so they work on it all the time. Dan looks over like, "I could have said that." Jacob looks over like, "Then how come my schedule only has me working with you guys five hours a week?" Dan sums it up for us: "If you don't have radio, all the other stuff isn't really important." If you don't have communication skills, all the other stuff toaster eating cactus fish.
Back in New York, Erik calls his mother. They use a grainy black-and-white film here to show the heartbreak and tragedy of Erik losing his grandmother. They keep editing and cutting the scenes together, showing Erik upset and mostly listening. He tells us that she meant the world to him, and basically raised him. Erik sits in a stairwell. He says that this is all too much right now. We fade to commercial as Erik curls into a ball on the stairs.
I can't believe the cameras are following Erik for the funeral. The poor boy can't even mourn with his family in private? Erik's mother is telling him that his grandmother came here from Puerto Rico, and that the first thing she saw was the Statue of Liberty. She wanted her ashes scattered in the Hudson River, so the family has gathered on the rainy pier to do just that. "She's a true New Yorker," Erik smiles at us. The family says nice things about their grandmother as they gather in a circle. Erik's uncle reads a passage from the Bible (Joshua 1:9) that was her favorite. The camera lens is covered in raindrops as they scatter the ashes into the water. The family holds each other quietly.
Erik is talking to his mother and, I guess stepfather? He tells them that this is a very hard time for him. He confesses that his biological father, Ruben, got in contact with him and it was "always in [his] grandmother's interest" that he talked to him. I don't know why his grandmother would want him to patch things up with Ruben, but she did, and now Erik's telling his parents that he's going to try to talk to him. He tells them that if they have anything to say or any words of encouragement right now, he'd really appreciate them. Erik's mother says that getting ahead in life takes work and sometimes hurts or is hard. She says that the verse they read at the funeral talks about being strong. The stepdad or uncle guy tells Erik that they are proud of him and love him. Erik's mother says this is something he has to do on his own.
Erik says that his work and his schedule are trying enough, and that he's constantly got to be on, so he can't really deal with all of this family stuff too. He makes the decision to concentrate on what he needs to concentrate on: "And that's my boys and me." Well said, confrontation avoider. Well said.
Vegas. It's time for the Radio Mega Blast Radio Industry Convention! Aw yeah! Let me tell you something right now. There's nothing creepier than a DJ. That strange sound they all have in their voices like they get more enjoyment out of life because they play more back-to-back hits commercial-free than any other radio station? It gives me the chills. How the news and the weather and real life doesn't even faze them. They're just ready to meet more stars and give shout-outs and dedications and give away concert tickets. It scares me. Stock footage of Vegas blazes past us as the boys all get into a taxi cab.
At some hotel, girls are paid to look like they need the autographs of these boys. Dear Jacob. You're wearing the same stupid mud-flap shirt two episodes in a row. Quit looking like such an asshole. Love, Fashion.
The boys get the lowdown. They're going to be escorted into the conference room where there are tables full of DJs set up. The boys are to schmooze table to table and make the DJs think that O-Town is full of cool, cute boys who deserve a shot in this cruel, hard world.
The boys shake hands with DJ after DJ (some are blurred out to protect their reputations) as Ashley explains what a DJ is, how a DJ works, what radio is, how sounds are transmitted over airwaves, what a molecule is, how toast is made, and other pointless things you probably already knew but it doesn't matter because you're just imagining Ashley sucking on your thighs anyway. He can prattle on about getting tea leafs into permeable packages. I don't care. Just as long as his tongue keeps on moving.
The boys record a series of promo spots for different stations. Erik has completely stopped playing the charm game and looks like he hates everyone. He also calls himself "Erik-Michael." Whatever, kid. You're still named after everyone's third-favorite California Highway Patrolman.
A creepy DJ over-creeps his excitement about meeting O-Town and Dan says, "All of us just wake up every day like...'Yay.'" Hee. He forgot his line and had to ad-lib the word "Yay."
Trevor and Jacob spot Christina Aguilera. It would be a bigger deal if they were sexually attracted to her. Trevor then spots Brian McKnight and trips over his own legs running over to shake his hand. He drops his own band's name and Brian McKnight pretends he knows who that is.
Here's another reason to hate DJs. Their stupid-ass names. Cubby. Dudley. Here's "JoJo," from KIIS FM in Los Angeles. JoJo. How can you ever go home for Christmas again when you're known as JoJo, the Whipping Boy, who eats paste off interns' armpits to show how much Korn rules? Trevor explains what a radio station is again and tells us that KIIS FM doesn't really play any O-Town. JoJo asks O-Town to hum a few bars, and the trained monkeys put on their song and dance. Erik explains that they have to make radio stations want to play their songs. JoJo has a StiffStiff and just freaks out about how great this band is and how he personally is going to demand that their songs get put on the station's rotation. JoJo was a man who thought he had some power. Unfortunately, there's not much further that JoJo can "get back" to. He tells O-Town that they should beat up anyone who says they can't sing. They tell him that he should beat people up who say that, too. He says he will. He says they have some "heavy singing." I knew there was something constricting my chest. JoJo has the glazed look of complete douchebaginization. He's given up any sort of goal or dream because he's now become a total waste of a human being. He just fakes enthusiasm for the lamest of entertainment and has to act like he gets up every morning jazzed about playing another song by Mya. He goes home and pops Benadryl until he can't feel anything else, turns on The Daily Show and pretends he's Jon Stewart. Then he gets bored and pretends he's blowing Jon Stewart under the table while Jon says something really funny. JoJo. The man without a dream. The man without a soul. Coming to you live from the Schlotzky's on Ninth and Congress, giving away so many Linkin Park tickets, you're gonna have to skip school to see it for yourself. JoJo Dancer, your life is calling, and it's begging to be terminated.
Some DJs look at O-Town with that look of, "Oh, God. I'm gonna have to fake love for O-Town. My girlfriend is so breaking up with me when I get home." The boys take pictures with several people. "Spin, spin, spin. That's what we want," Erik explains.
In a slow-motion montage of several shots of Erik holding a microphone (why the montage? Why the slow motion? Why do I even care for a second?), we find out that one DJ asked Erik about his family. Erik starts spilling about his real dad's attempts to get in touch with him. All of O-Town's "people" are freaking out right now, by the way. Ashley even gives Erik this look like, "Dude. I thought you told me that in private. Because it was special. Because it's you and me against the world, dude. Dude. I mean...dude." Erik says that if he could talk to his father right now, he'd just want to know about the members of his family that he's never met. He'd like to know where his last name came from. Man, what if Erik's real dad was actually Erik Estrada, and he's just calling himself Ruben so that he can pretend to be someone else on the show. Oh, by the way, I think that Making the Band has made me turn to the ABC network for the first time since Growing Pains was on the air. The DJ says that the rest of the boys have to be there for Erik. Someone's got his arm around Dan. Erik pouts as Ashley says that he makes sure Erik always goes to sleep with a smile on his face. Oh, come on. You know that's what he means. The film slows again as a piano plinks out Erik's fabricated angst.
In a studio, Erik sits alone and dials a number on his cell phone. He leaves a voice message: "Your first-born." He says he wants to talk about a few things. He tells us that he wants to ask Ruben about his family. "Give me a call back on my phone," he ends. I hope that Ruben is smart enough to not call Erik back on his toothbrush. Cut to commercial.
Stuck in a hotel room, Erik makes another cell-phone call to Ruben. This scene is edited strangely, so sometimes he's facing one way and then sometimes his legs are crossed somewhere else, so I'm not sure of the order of things. He's holding a notebook, though, so I'm hoping at one point he'll be all teary and say, "I wrote you a letter. I'm going to read it to you now! Don't say anything until I'm done reading, okay?" God, that'd be brilliant. Erik gets Ruben on the phone and says he wants to "touch base" and set a date to meet face-to-face. "Touch base"? Is Erik Head of Marketing? Ruben says he's been waiting to do this for a number of years. Erik says that it's pretty obvious that Ruben only got in touch with Erik after he saw him singing and dancing on television. Translation: "Hey, Erik! It's Papa! Run to Papa, sweet niño! Run and sprinkle cash along the path to my new house that you will buy for me! Love! Love! Honor, duty, mi familia!" Ruben asks whether they spoke a couple of years ago. Erik laughs and says that they did exchange a couple of words two years ago. Erik explains to us that he doesn't think of Ruben as his father. He then explains to Ruben that if he's going to meet him, there will be the cameras following him. Ruben says he's excited that Erik called him, but that he doesn't want to get together with the cameras there. "Firstily, it's uncultural of me to do that [sic times three]." He says that maybe Erik's lost his culture, but he hasn't, and that it's part of the Latino culture to keep your family issues quiet and between family. He says you don't air out everything to the whole world on television. Ruben says that this is why Latinos aren't on Oprah or Jerry Springer. Erik asks whether Ruben really just said that Erik's lost his culture. Erik says he's sure they both have some questions they want answered. He tells Ruben to take all the time he needs to call him back.
Erik walks into Ashley's room and climbs into bed with him. He says that he just talked to his father. He recaps the last conversation. Ashley goes into hysterics over the "cultural" thing. At one point there's a tiny black box to Ashley's face, and then it's gone. I wonder if Erik proposed, knowing it was the cultural thing to do after climbing into bed with a naked boy, talking about family and heartbreak. Erik wonders how important meeting Erik could possibly be to Ruben if he doesn't want to do it with cameras around. Ashley says that this is Ruben's chance to meet Erik. Erik says that he's off the hook now, and doesn't have any reason to try to contact Ruben again. Now he won't be upset with himself later in life because at least he tried. As Erik and Ashley gaze at each other and smile (Ashley's still in bed, Erik's leaning over him), Erik tells us that right now isn't the right time to meet Ruben anyway. Ashley says that he can't believe Erik called him this early in the morning. Erik looks at the clock a few times and over-acts, "It's one o'clock, Ashley." The clock says it's around 10:30. Ashley giggles and watches Erik climb out of the bed. He stops him to thank him for talking to him. He throws in a "dude." Then... Erik: "I think, just coming over here to talk to you alleviates, you know, that pent-up stress that I'm thinking about over and over again I wanna voice it but I don't. I've already voiced it so now I can move on with my day. And you know what's going on, and you know what might come resurface in my head later so you're not like, you know, 'What's wrong, Erik?'" Ashley: "Hey, seriously? I really feel like...I just..." Ashley dips his head and smiles. Erik: "Don't cry, now. You promised yourself you weren't gonna cry." Ashley: "In a manly kind of a way, I'm just...I'm glad we're tight." Erik: "Me too, man. Definitely. Because if we weren't, I don't think we could get through this." Ashley: "I agree." Erik walks over to Ashley and mumbles, "I love you." They slap hands and then Erik leans in. They hold each other with one arm and hold hands with the other. Erik resurfaces and asks quietly, "Naked?" Ashley admits that he is. I'm pretty sure that right here he shouts, "Come on!" but you can't tell over Erik running out of the room. Erik leaves quickly to masturbate before the cameras find him again. Their love is so pure.
Shots of the New York skyline turn to images of Orlando. On a golf course, sharing a golf cart of forbidden love, Dan and Trevor are allowed to indulge in each other's flesh since they obviously aren't needed on this show except for the occasional voice-over. I mean, they're on the other side of the country! Jacob's all banging away in his garage, thankful to have a vacation, glad that the producers told him that they're only having one song on the album, called "Jacob Sings," and that he already recorded it. Trevor and Dan are wearing the ugliest shirts ever. They're full of stripes and Polos and I think my mom sold these in a garage sale in 1985. Trevor's giant head admits that he's getting impatient. He wants to hear the song on the radio and he hasn't yet. Dan says that his aunt heard the song in Jersey. And someone in his family who lives in Philly heard it as well. It's like they're discussing the Blair Witch.
Trevor plays golf and tells us he can't wait to hear "Liquid Dreams" on the radio for the first time. He says he listens to the radio all day long every day and he never hears the song. Dan and Trevor can't put the ball in the hole even once. The ball's just curving around, avoiding the hole like we avoid all things O-Town. That spinal curve of cootie-avoidance. Trevor holds his ass as we hear how much he needs to hear this song to "make it all real." He's got a damn television show. Do these guys not remember that? Dan tells Trevor that he's sure the song will be added to the station's rotation. He pulls the label off his water bottle because there's not a company in the world that wants its name associated with these boys. That's why all of their clothing is blurred and right now Dan and Trevor are having to wear Alex P. Keaton's old "Cleaning Clothes."
Back at O-Town Manor, we see a shot of all of their expensive cars. I hate these boys and their whiny asses. Trevor is having a temper tantrum in his wing of the house. He tosses a piece of paper and whines that he's hearing a song for the second time on the radio and he never heard their song. Dan leans in from folding his underwear in the other room to see what his boyfriend is crying about now. Ashley listens to the radio in the kitchen. Trevor reads. Jacob plays videogames by himself. The DJ starts talking about Making the Band, and the boys freak out. Trevor jumps in the air and runs down the house. They turn off Jacob's game (I'm sure he's going to have a fit about that one in fifteen minutes) and Trevor pulls his pants up since his ass is hanging out. As he holds up his pants he starts jamming his crotch into Dan's leg. Dan breaks away as Ashley runs into the room, since everyone is hiding their secret love from each other. Trevor starts jumping on the couch and his pants fall so low that they have to blur out his ass crack. Ashley stands on the edge of the couch arm (my mother would be screaming at them right now to stop acting like monkeys) and screams at Trevor. He smacks Trevor on the ass as Trevor jumps in the air again. He pulls up his pants again. Jacob is wearing a rare smile. He and Ashley share a hug and congratulate themselves. Jacob sits and shakes his head, unable to believe his charmed life. Trevor holds his face in his hands as Dan gingerly touches him in the arm. They're gonna be okay, he knows. Trevor starts dancing to their song, lip-synching along with the words. They show the same clip of Jacob shaking his head, but not it looks like he's thinking, "I wish Trevor wasn't such a tool." Ashley calls someone ("Hello, Erik-Michael, my love? I have wonderful news!") on the cell phone to scream that they're on the radio. He says, "You hear that, girl? I'm on the radio!" Yeah, he totally called up Erik. This is also the first time I've really heard this song. Wow, it's bad. You've got my Liquid Dreams? That's the grossest thing in the world. Trevor stamps his feet in joy. Slow-motion fade on the boys celebrating. End of episode.