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The overly dramatic credits ask us where we draw the line between playing smart, and playing dirty. There's a line? No one told me there was a line. Tonight, the remaining eight players will have a choice between staying with their partners and bringing back someone from Loser Island, which is represented this week by a mountain, or possibly a volcano. In Cabin Two, which is the only cabin door we ever see, we learn that someone is about to be sacrificed. Into the volcano, perhaps? I think instead of Loser Island, the people voted off should be tossed into a volcano. Now that would be exciting.
Previously on Love Cruise: Lisa kissed Michael while partnered with Anthony. Unlike what the narrator would have you believe, that has nothing to do with why Lisa was voted off, though. She was voted off because she wouldn't shut up about it. Adrian helped Toni to win the Switch Card, but then Toni wouldn't use it to save him. The narrator promises us "the shipmates' true colors [will] begin to emerge." You mean, some of these people have been less than honest about their motivations? I am shocked.
Round Five. Eight Singles remaining. In an interview, Michael explains that the "Chicago Four" is his plan to win. Melissa explains that Michael asked her to join the Chicago Four. Toni defines the Chicago Four as her, Melissa, Ralph, and Michael. Ralph tells us that Michael approached him and offered to include him in his "grand scheme" to win. Michael says that he's never spoken to Toni about their alliance. Ralph wanted Toni to take part, and Michael has been trusting Ralph to pass along information to Toni. Ooh. Bad move. A good dictator (and that's what Michael is, really -- and I don't mean that in a bad way) always controls the flow of information.
They are in Mochima, Venezuela. Ralph plays his guitar while Michael lies out in the sun. Michael voice-overs that he likes Ralph, because Ralph is able to separate friendships on the ship from strategy. Their plan has always been to make it to the final two couples and figure it out from there. In an interview, Ralph says that there is only room for two at the top (and I'm assuming that he means one couple) and that he doesn't like "sharing the limelight with anybody else." Michael suggests that he and Ralph play down their friendship today. Michael decides that he'll hang out with Anthony and the guys, and Ralph volunteers to hang out with Andrea and the other women. Meanwhile, Ralph keeps playing the same riff over and over on his guitar, like, play a whole song or something, would you?
Justin announces that it's time to find out how many people said that they did want to switch. It turned out to be just one person. Justin reveals a silver platter holding the picture of the one person who voted to switch. The singles all look at one another. Except Michael, who looks like he's contemplating jumping into the ocean, so you totally know he's the one who decided to switch.
After the commercial, Justin continues to brandish the silver platter that not only contains the picture, but also some grapes, as if after revealing who voted to switch, Justin might want to offer that person a light snack. Justin turns over the photo to reveal that it's a picture of Michael. Andrea tries to smile, but fails. Anthony cheesily nods his head. Shut up, Anthony. I know you didn't say anything. Just shut it. Michael apologizes to Andrea, and shows her a picture, and she says that it's cool. Michael points out that Andrea said she wanted her back, and Andrea says that she does. Justin keeps trying to get Michael's attention, but is ignored, until finally Michael steps up and reveals that he's switching Andrea for Jeanette. Justin asks why Michael is doing the switch, and Michael says that Andrea claimed that she wanted Jeanette to come back. Andrea agrees. Michael says that it might affect what happens to him, but that he wants Jeanette to have a chance. Toni comes over and snuggles with Andrea.
Justin asks Andrea whether she has any comments, and Andrea says that she would have brought Jeanette back herself if she could, so she's happy. Toni doesn't want to be left out, so she pipes up, "Me too! I wanted to, too." In an interview, Michael says that the girls constantly talked about bringing Jeanette back. Back on the fantail, Michael says that for the first time in a few days, he feels like he's doing the right thing. Andrea shoots daggers from her eyes at Michael.
Justin dials the cell phone and tells Michael to ask for room forty-four. Over on Loser Island, all of the losers wait in one room for the phone to ring. Michael asks Jeanette whether she still has her sea legs, and wants to come back to the boat. All of the losers applaud. That room reeks of desperation. They were all so desperate to go back, and I think Gina was the worst. In an interview, Lisa says that they view Jeanette as their messenger, and their agent of vindication, and that she must make sure that the true story of manipulation on the boat gets out. Geez, no pressure or anything, Jeanette, but you're basically their Savior. Tony has given himself a Mohawk while on Loser Island, and he looks like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver. They use the same shot of the Losers clapping twice to make it look like they're really happy for Jeanette. Gina didn't even clap with both hands. She just tapped two fingers on the other arm. Bitter, much?
In an interview, Andrea angrily says that she's not angry that Jeanette is coming back, but that she is angry about the way Michael did it. She feels that Michael should have cleared it with her first, but instead he tried to look like a hero. Which is probably a good point. Michael walks off and stands by himself. The group discusses what Michael just did. Melissa is leaning over and you can totally see down her shirt. If you care about that sort of thing. Andrea thinks that Michael just did it because he thought that she was going to switch, too. Melissa points out that many people told Michael that Andrea wasn't going to switch. Michael returns, and Toni gives him a little speech, which I will transcribe here because I enjoyed it so much.
Michael, sit down. I'm going to put it to you like this. I know your game. We've all figured out the damn game. I know you're a weasel for doing this. [veins popping out in neck] You brought back Jeanette, so now all of a sudden, you're a great guy. [over Michael's protests and with much arm flailing] Oh, what, you think you're a martyr because you're bringing Jeanette back? [standing] You actually think that makes you look good? [bug-eyes] No! It doesn't! I can't stand people like you!
Michael calmly responds that there's nothing wrong with playing if people are being honest. Someone says that Michael hasn't been honest, but he replies that he has been until the last day. Ralph is totally silent. Melissa asks what's up with him playing her and Andrea. Michael says that he was totally with Melissa, but that he got into bed with too many people. Melissa wishes that Michael had told her that he got in over his head, and Michael claims that he was going to after the switch thing. Michael tries to explain why he hasn't been himself in the past twenty-four hours, and Melissa says it was because he knew that she was onto him. As Michael continues to protest, the others look at him in disgust and finally just walk away. You know, an apology would have gone a long way there, and confronting the group (or lynch mob, as the case may be) was never going to be successful. Michael turns to the camera and says, "Oops." Hee!
Melissa and Darin stand up on the deck, and Michael stands far away and looks sad. In an interview, Melissa says that she's lost respect for Michael and doesn't want to maintain a friendship with him. Anthony tells Melissa that his whole deal is "maintaining Anthony." Shut up, Anthony. Michael watches sadly and then asks for the chance to speak with everyone. Melissa says that Michael has never apologized, and that she doesn't care to hear an explanation. Michael tries to explain, but Melissa won't let him get a word in edgewise. Anthony says that if Michael had believed in himself, and been himself, he would have won. Michael looks like he'd like to punch Anthony in the mouth. Melissa doesn't hate Michael, but she doesn't think he's the sweetheart she thought he was. Michael says that he thought that you could have friendships and also manipulate people, and now he knows that you can't do that.