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The Credits of Massive Drama ask us to "imagine wanting so much that being deceptive isn't just possible; it's inevitable." With four couples remaining, the singles are trying to "avoid banishment to Loser Island." In this episode, Loser Island will be represented by a bird of prey. We get a quick preview of Toni going full-on bug-eye before moving on.
Previously on Love Cruise: Michael got rid of Andrea and brought back "the beloved Jeanette." Does anyone remember Jeanette being so beloved when she was actually on the ship? I certainly don't. Melissa has the Switch Card. Jeanette is on a mission to get rid of Anthony.
Round Six. Eight Singles Remaining. Day Eleven. Everyone eats breakfast. Ralph voice-overs that the exposure of Michael's plan awakened everyone to the fact that there is a game being played. Every time someone talks about a game, they show that footage of Toni rolling the dice. Because she was playing a game, there. Literally. That's clever.
In the last episode, Toni called Michael a weasel. In an interview, Melissa says that it's difficult because you don't know whom to trust. Flashback to Melissa accusing Michael of only pretending to be her friend, while Michael protests. In an interview, Anthony says, "As this game becomes more clear, we become more aware of everything. We're always looking." This statement is juxtaposed with footage of Anthony spying on Michael and Jeanette. ["That was on the same page where we saw that Melissa got the Switch Card, and Jeanette came back to turf Anthony." -- Wing Chun] Hee! The producers know that Anthony is slime.
Anthony claims that he would like to win. Flashback to Anthony telling Michael that he "hurt people, maliciously." In an interview, Michael claims that Anthony is always going around claiming to be a righteous man, and is afraid of being voted off, so he tries to make Michael look bad.
In Cabin Two (a.k.a. the only cabin on the ship, apparently), Anthony tells Toni that the others are all backstabbers. Toni laments, "Nobody is honest anymore." I can't believe that these two can even have this conversation with a straight face. Anthony and Toni agree that they are both "way too trusting." I wonder if the producers watched this footage and just laughed and laughed. Anthony says that he didn't want the whole ship to hate Michael. Toni claims that Michael has no emotions, and that just because he has a good personality doesn't make him a good person. Well, just because he's not melodramatic doesn't mean he has no emotions. It means he has restraint, something Toni might like to look into at some point. Some other traits that Michael has that Toni might like to look into include self-awareness and a sense of humor. Toni is incensed that Michael didn't even hug Andrea, when Andrea was the one who totally dissed Michael, as evidenced by Michael's comment to the camera at the time that he didn't even get a hug. Anthony claims that Michael said he would have kicked Andrea off the gangplank, given the opportunity. Who wouldn't have? Oh, but that pissed Toni off. Steam comes out of her ears and she storms right out of the cabin, revealing the cameraman in the mirror as she goes. Anthony calls after her, like he didn't know that his statements would piss her off. What a phony.
Toni storms around the deck and nearly knocks over a crewmember with her boobs. She runs to Tomiko's cabin and asks where Michael is, and when Tomiko says she doesn't know, Toni slams the door. Toni finds Michael and asks what he said about Andrea, suggesting that he might have said he would "kick her in the ass on the gangplank down." Is that even a sentence? Michael thinks about it and then calmly admits that he might have said something like that. Michael says that he didn't like being called out by the people who were in on his plan. Toni claims that Andrea admitted it, but Michael denies it. Toni just keeps repeating, "Yes, she did!" like if she says it enough times, it'll be true. Michael reminds Toni that he wasn't alone during those plotting conversations. Flashback to Toni and Andrea telling Michael that his plan is brilliant. Michael voice-overs that Toni was in on it, so it's pretty ironic that she was the one yelling at him for having a plan. Toni realizes that she's totally busted, so she says that she doesn't want to see Jeanette voted off. Michael says that he didn't bring Jeanette back just to see her leave again. Toni says that if Jeanette gets voted off, someone will be in a lot of trouble. Michael promises not to vote for her, and suddenly Toni is all friendly again, because she knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on. They shake hands and part ways. Toni is insane. In an interview, Michael says that he doesn't take anything Toni does seriously.
Justin blows the whistle to start the game. They squeeze. What else can I say about that? Anthony squeezes Tomiko around her chest, which doesn't seem like a good strategy. Most of the juice seems to go into their bathing suits. Justin announces that it's time to stop, and now they have to lift up their pools and drain the juice through a funnel into a jar. Each couple does so, and it looks pretty even, so they have to weigh the jars. Justin announces that Michael and Jeanette, and Melissa and Darin go to the finals. Justin gives them the Switch Envelopes but tells them not to open them yet. Anthony and Tomiko have to leave. As they all walk to the boat launch, Anthony says that the game is pretty much over. Justin says that the game is just beginning. Anthony doesn't think there's any way that any of them could come back, and Justin says that he'd be surprised. Anthony and Tomiko are surprisingly calm as they take off, but I guess they have no one to blame but themselves.
On Loser Island, the losers pack up their things. In an interview, Lisa explains that they are gathering to vote on the winners, and that she hopes everyone can put their hostilities aside. Is she new? Toni announces to Gina and Lisa that Melissa isn't winning. Gina agrees that Melissa can't win, like she even knew Melissa. Toni is disgusted that Melissa is riding Darin's coattails. Lisa decides that she will vote for whomever Jeanette is with. Toni isn't happy about that either, because she hates Michael. Lisa says that she wants Jeanette to win more than she wants Michael to lose. They realize that they don't know whether they are voting for couples or individuals, and they all hope that it's individuals. Also, Gina? Shut up. Just for that cowboy hat. Gina wonders whether one of them will be able to get back on. Everyone boards the tour bus. Toni starts a chant of "Jeanette," because her opinion is still the only one that matters, and God forbid anyone disagree with her.
Justin congratulates Melissa, Darin, Michael, and Jeanette on making the finals. Michael comments that his friends at home thought he would be off the boat in three hours. Justin says that they will get to both the Switch Envelopes and lunch, but first there is a surprise. They all look to see the losers headed their way. Kenny G talks. I thought I told him to shut up. Everyone hugs and then settles down. Justin announces that the rules have changed yet again. Wow, I'm so surprised. Except not. The person with the Switch Card will have the power to switch his or her own partner with any one of the losers. The losers get all excited. Come on. Who's going to switch? Darin and Melissa won't switch. Michael won't switch. Jeanette might switch, but then again Michael brought her back, so maybe she won't. Gina's all excited, like anyone even remembers her name.
Two tables over, Adrian hears Toni yelling and asks Anthony what's going on. Anthony claims that in five minutes, the shit will hit the fan. He really loves this. I kind of do, too. Toni continues ranting and raving. Insane! In an interview, Toni tells the camera that she won't let anyone take down her character. Aaah! Make it stop! Finally, Toni tosses aside her cutlery and stomps over to Melissa. Anthony watches and laughs. See, I enjoy outright evil Anthony! It was undercover evil Anthony that I hated so much.
Toni confronts Melissa about accusing her of bribery. Melissa stays totally cool and says that Toni is yelling in her face. Toni says that Melissa is using Darin and stringing him along. Melissa denies it and suggests that they bring Jeanette over. Anthony giggles like a schoolgirl. Jeanette comes over and repeats what Toni proposed about the money. Toni denies ever saying it. Jeanette accuses Toni of talking about Jeanette's daughter for the camera, and playing Jeanette the whole time. Toni tells Jeanette that she misunderstood, and that everything is jumbled up in her brain. Tomiko looks around like she can't believe these crazy people. I would so be the Tomiko on this show. Jeanette yells and Toni yells some more and then the moment we have all been waiting for since the commercials started airing: Toni goes full-on bug-eye and screams in Jeanette's face.
Aw, yeah.
week: Jeanette and Toni continue their conversation. Melissa and Darin have an argument. Justin says that they're going to put one more couple into the finals. Wuh? Hey, why not? There are no rules any more! What's ? Hey, Kenny G and Gina -- you win because you were the first couple voted off. Hey, Billy and Mandy from Temptation Island -- you win! I know you weren't on this show. Just work with us. We're crazy. We have no rules! Gah.