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Random New Girl on the Island a.k.a. Nikki stumbles out of the woods and into the middle of Hurley and Sawyer's ping-pong game. She drops to the ground muttering about her new starring role on the American version of Footballer's Wives. Sawyer and Hurley gather the Lostaways to solve the mystery. They rush into the jungle only to find Random New Guy Whose Name I Never Learned (a.k.a. Paolo) lying dead in the middle of the path. Since neither had any obvious signs of trauma, their deaths are a mystery that can only be solved by a massive dose of flashbacks.
Turns out that Nikki and Paolo are diamond thieves, murderers, and general nogoodniks. They killed some old guy back in Australia and stole his diamonds. After the plane crash they spent all their time looking for the carry-on bag with the diamonds, which totally explains why we didn't see them for two and a half seasons. See? It all makes sense! Anyway, as all Lost fans know, Craphole Island no likey thieving nogoodnik murderers. Once Nikki realizes that Paolo found the diamonds and hadn't told her about it, she is determined to get them back. When Sawyer (in a rare moment of clear-headedness) won't give her a gun she does what any sensible Girl Scout would do: she uses a rare paralyzing spider to knock him out and steal the diamonds. But then she gets bitten by one of the spider's friends! Wait. Paralyzing spider? That means they're paralyzed! They're not dead! They're not dead! Well, maybe now they are.
And Shannon, Boone? We donât really miss you. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Nikki is running through the jungle. ... Wait. What? Who is Nikki? ... Nikki. You know, blondish. Hispanic-ish. There are only forty or so survivors, how could you not know who she is? She's been here the whole time. No, I'm not joking. I swear! She's a little shy. A little wallflower hiding in the background for the last two and a half seasons. Not wanting to get involved. Just a wee shrinking violet content to remain in the shadows of the palm trees and blue tarps on the beach. No, really. She was there. You just weren't looking hard enough. Just shut up and accept it, okay? Geez. So where was I? Oh, right: Nikki is running. She is running fast. She looks like she just ran off the set of Personal Best. What, you didn't see her in that either? She was there! Running right to Mariel Hemingway. Really. I swear! So Nikki is running through the jungle. She throws herself to the ground and buries something in the dirt. She stumbles as she gets up, grabs her bag, and runs head-on into a flashback.
Ooh, this is interesting -- we are in a strip club. Tee hee! I'm blushing. An announcer intones, "Ladies and gentlemen, now appearing on stage three is The Pride of St. Paul." I was expecting a stripper done up just like the St. Pauli girl with a leather dirndl and beer steins covering her hoo-hahs. Or at least dressed like Prince (the other Pride of St. Paul). But apparently the Pride of St. Paul is a stripper in a white mini trench and newsboy cap stage-named Corvette. It is, of course, Nikki. She dances around in a pretty sparkly bikini until some sketchy guy with a ponytail and suitcase walks in. Is a skeevy dude with a ponytail supposed to be out of place in a strip club? Corvette gives the guy the stank-eye as he makes his way into a back office. She re-dons her trench and marches into the office. She quickly sizes up the situation and yells at a chair wearing a hat, "No! That's the money for the orphanage! That means, Mr. Leshade, you're The Cobra!" The chair wearing a hat turns around slowly and holy Lando! it's Billy Dee Williams. He says it is nothing personal, just business. Corvette is in shock. She can't believe it was him the whole time! Billy Dee Williams then declares that she is pretty and smart. Too bad she has to die! The man with the ponytail pulls out a gun. Corvette yells, "Razzle dazzle!" and kicks the gun out of his hand. "Razzle dazzle"? Is that like when Jem and the Holograms would yell "Synergy!"? Or is it just some cool stripper argot that I don't know?
Corvette and her Razzle Dazzle overpower the ponytail, grab the gun, and aim to do Billy Dee in. But Billy Dee beats her to the draw and peppers her with bullets. He gets up from the chair and shoots her again. Just then the door busts open and two strippers stare in horror. Billy Dee coolly turns to the girls: "Autumn, Krystal! Bad news, Corvette was working for The Cobra! But fear not, he will pay." And cut! Oh. I see what they did there. Sneaky writers. That's not Nikki's back-story! She's an "actress," or whatever you call someone playing a cut-rate Charlie's Angel. Billy Dee offers Nikki a hand up as the set floods with PAs and lighting guys. She tells it him it was an honor working with him. He lies and says the pleasure was all his. A voice in the background says that this is a series wrap for Corvette. Some old dude with a ponytail that is presumably the producer or director (he was sitting in one of those director chairs) gets up and asks everyone to give Nikki a round of applause. Why don't you buy the audience a round while you're at it, Old Dude? If we have to watch this schlock about a character we don't know, we will need provisions. Preferably beer-like provisions. Old Dude wraps his arm around Nikki's shoulder and tells her that she doesn't need to die-- they can bring her back season! She points out that she was shot. He says that she could have been wearing a bulletproof vest! She pulls her trench coat open, points at her boobies, and laughs. Yeah, I know, life is not fair. Old Dude chuckles and says maybe she was wearing bulletproof breasts! Wait, so they look that good AND are bulletproof? Unfair! I wonder if the Bionic Woman had bulletproof breasts? That would have been awesome! Way better than the Six Million Dollar Man's Kevlar toupee. Nikki laughs and says, "I'm just a guest star. You know what happens to guest stars." As that line comes out of her mouth, a giant Anvil of Foreshadowing lands on my foot. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Can't you send a carrier pigeon time? Old Dude asks Nikki if she is leaving Sydney and heading back to Australia. She says, "I'm not leaving Sydney. I love you!" He declares that he loves her too! Then she sucks some old-guy face. It looks like she's Frenching her grandpa.
Hurley and Sawyer are playing the ping-pong (doesn't Sawyer learn?) when Nikki stumbles out of the woods. Sawyer looks irritated, but Nikki? Nikki ain't looking so good. They ask if she is okay. She tumbles to the ground. Our intrepid Losties spring into action -- Hurley stares at her while Sawyer peers into the woods, trying to see if anything is chasing her. She mutters, "Puh-- puh-- p--- lies!" Hurley is stares at her some more, and Sawyer asks what she's saying. Hurley doesn't answer, and Sawyer gets annoyed and asks why he's just sitting there! He needs to be getting help! Hurley looks at Sawyer in shock; Nikki is dead. Sawyer just looks confused and asks, "Who the hell is Nikki?" Sawyer said the secret word!
Eighty-four days ago, Nikki and her Grandpa Lover ate breakfast. Nikki exclaims that the frittata is amazing! Grandpa says it's his new chef who is amazing! No, you're amazing! No, you're amazing! Grandpa calls for Paolo to come out to get his compliments. Paolo comes out in his chef coat, and Grandpa says he has a new fan. Nikki says his cooking is amazing. Paolo says, "No, you're amazing! For noticing my amazing frittata! The secret is the amazing shaved truffles! You're lucky they are in season! They're amazing!" Writers, I have one word for you: thesaurus. Try it -- it's amazing! Nikki tells Paolo to ask for a raise. Grandpa explains that Paolo had just come from Brazil and showed up at his office every day until he got the job. Apparently he's the Wolfgang Puck of Brazil! So he was really popular in the '80s, but now has sunk to licensing his creepy face to every crappy venture that comes along? Oh yeah, Grandpa, you scored with that hire! Grandpa offers Nikki some homemade rolls. She stares in horror at the basket of carbohydrates and empty calories. She makes him beg. She takes a roll (Portuguese, I believe) and finds herself staring at a diamond tennis bracelet. Oh, that definitely fits into the Atkins diet! Grandpa says he knows it's not a ring, but as soon as his wife (Grandma?)... mid-sentence, Grandpa grabs his arm and has a heart attack. Nikki screams, "Paolo! Paolo! Paolo!" Because every first-aid kit should include a Brazilian Wolfgang Puck.
Paolo comes out and feels Grandpa's wrist. Grandpa is dead. Nikki looks horrified, leans over Grandpa, and rips open his shirt to grab a key. She then snots at Paolo that she would have loved it if he could have figured out a way she wouldn't have to eat the same food as Grandpa. Man, carbs make a girl bitter! Nikki charges past Paolo. They end up in the bedroom (not like that, dirty mind!) and open Grandpa's closet. All the sweaters are Gap-folded and organized by color. Impressive! Maybe Grandpa had the Brazilian Martha Stewart working for him too. Nikki heads straight to the safe hidden in the closet that no one else knows about. She says everything in there is way off the books. So it's completely secret from everyone, except for each and every blonde tootsie pop Grandpa brought home. Sounds top secret. Paolo needs a cigarette, but Nikki grabs it out of his mouth. "Ashes are evidence, Paolo. We poisoned him. Let's not poison ourselves." Get that, kids? Cigarettes are poison! This message brought to you by the concerned writers at TelevisionWithoutPity.com. The safe is open, and Nikki grabs the Russian stacking dolls. She pulls them apart until she gets to the goodies. "Razzle freaking dazzle." She said it, not me.
The Losties are gathered around Nikki's body. Charlie asks what happened. Because Charlie is a bit slow, Hurley says that they don't know. Heroin is a bitch on the brain cells. Hurley continues, "No gunshot wound, no knife wound, no polar bear bites. Nothing." Sun suggests that it was something she ate and that they should check the food supply. Charlie suggests that she was poisoned. He then grabs her hand and points out that she has "gunk" under her fingernails. What is this? CSI: Craphole Island? Wait a minute, I have gunk under my fingernails! Does this mean I was murdered, too? Aw, man! Now I'll I never find out who wins Top Design! Or maybe I am dead, and this is the circle of hell where I have to watch crap television shows for eternity. I mean, really -- what is up with the judging on that show? And: "See you later, decorator?" Gag awhile, crocodile. Oh well, pass me another Schaeffer Light! Charlie asks where the body was found. Sawyer says they found her right there. Geez, Gil Grissom, they know not to move the body, okay? Sawyer explains that she stumbled out of the jungle, face-planted, muttered something about plywood, and died. Hurley corrects him that Nikki was saying something about power lines. Sawyer adds, "Who the hell knows what she said -- she was five minutes from dying. Probably seeing the light at the end of the tunnel." Hurley gets a bad case of the blurts and yells, "'Paolo lies'! She said 'Paolo lies'!" Sawyer asks, "Who the hell is Paolo?" Yes, Sawyer, we know. You've asked that question about ten times over the last few episodes. We get it. The writers are using you as a proxy for us, the audience. We all want to know who the hell Paolo is because the writers just dropped him into the show! After two and a half seasons! It's weird! Anyway, Hurley explains that Paolo is Nikki's husband or boyfriend or something. They live down the beach. Sawyer suggests that they go find him because if he lies, it might be a good place to start. Oh god. Is this entire episode going to be Law & Order with Sawyer channeling Lenny Briscoe? ... Wait a minute. That would be awesome!
Eighty days ago, Nikki and Paolo are at the airport reading in the newspaper about the so-sad heart attack that killed Grandpa. Apparently Grandpa was Howard L. Zuckerman. He was the creative force behind the television show Exposé and he was found dead in his home from heart failure. They are drinking champagne, so they're obviously very broken up about this. As Paolo finishes reading the obituary, the two burst into giggles and start kissing. Nikki interrupts the kiss to ask if Paolo is chewing gum. He is -- nicotine gum. He quit smoking! This message brought to you by: ABC Cares. Stop smoking now and you'll end up on a doomed plane! Paolo suggests a toast to their new life together. As they toast, Boone and Shannon walk into the café. Hi Shannon! Hi Boone! Nice wig! What is that, opossum? Nice. Shannon is in full-on bitch mode. She is screaming at Boone because there are no seats and they have to fly coach and on and on. She is making me uncomfortable. Boone walks up to Paolo and asks if he can have the empty chair to him. Paolo agrees. Shannon continues her whinge streak and ends up making them leave the restaurant. As they walk off, she tells Boone to stop flirting with all the cute boys. Ooh, ultimate insult! In fourth grade. She really is good at being a bitchy sister. Nikki makes Paolo promise that they will never end up like Shannon and Boone. He promises as the second Anvil of Foreshadowing lands to my head. Knock it off! I get it!
The show cuts directly to the plane crash. Shannon is standing in the middle of the disaster, screaming. Nikki is there, too. See? I told you she was there the entire time. But seriously -- how'd they do that? CGI? Magic Box? Nikki is entirely unscathed. Nary a hair out of place. No smudges on her Betsey Johnson mini dress. She is running around looking confused and trying to find Paolo. Ooh, there's Jin! And there's Jack helping Claire. Locke saves Nikki life by telling her to move when that guy gets sucked into the engine. Ew! I did not need to relive that moment. Boone grabs Nikki and asks her if she has a pen. Remember? When he wanted to do an emergency tracheotomy on someone (Rose maybe?) who just needed CPR? Nikki thinks she has found Paolo, but it is Arzt the Science Guy. She stumbles off as he asks her if she's okay. She finally finds Paolo. He is bloodied and stunned or something and staring at the ocean. She hugs him and tells him to look at her. He focuses on her, and she asks him where the bag is. He looks hurt. Now he looks dead. We've cut back to the present, where Paolo is lying in the middle of the woods. Hurley, Jin, and Sawyer are trying to track him through the jungle. He makes it easy for them by lying in the middle of the path. Dead. Sawyer says, "Well, I guess that's Paolo."
Medical Examiner Hurley has inspected the body. He reports that Paolo is just like Nikki, no knife wound, no nothing. But he does have a few questions: Why are his pants undone? And why is his shoe in that tree? Sawyer grabs the shoe and throws it at Hurley, suggesting that Paolo stepped in something. Jin unpacks Paolo's bag and pulls out a bottle of water. Sawyer yells, "No!" and grabs the water from Jin and dumps it out. Hurley and Jin are irritated. It's water, and they have been hiking on a desert island after all. Sawyer flicks them both in the head and says that two people are dead and they could have been poisoned and as Boy Scouts in Troop 815 they should have been prepared and brought their own damn water. Hurley is totally pissed that Sawyer is messing up his crime scene. Sawyer rolls his eyes and asks if there is a forensic hatch he doesn't know about? Heh. Jin says, "Stop. Monster." Sawyer stops and looks at Paolo's wide-open eyes and stone-cold body, and it seems like he just might agree with CSI Jin.
Seventy-five days ago, Nikki and Paolo are on the beach, discussing whether or not the Island has monsters. I totally dodge the Anvil of Foreshadowing as it hurtles down. Paolo suggests that it was a dinosaur that made the trees move, but Nikki is having none of it. She tells him they are in the South Pacific, not Jurassic Park, and he needs to focus. They have been on the Island for six days and the Coast Guard will be there any minute. Aw, they were so cute and naïve. Nikki says they have to find the bag before they get rescued. Creepy Ethan comes out of the creepy woods wearing a Wisconsin sweatshirt. Go Badgers! He asks if they lost their luggage, because he lost his, but he found other stuff (Other stuff?) and can help them find clothes. They introduce themselves and say that's sweet of him to help, but they aren't looking for clothes. They are looking for Paolo's nicotine gum. Ethan suggests that they look inland because when the plane split apart a lot of items landed in the jungle. Their discussion is cut short when Arzt comes running past them yelling that Boone took the water. A fight is breaking out in Camp Lostaway over the water supply. Jack steps up, dons his halo, steps on his soapbox, and becomes the official Great Leader. Nikki and Paolo are there when he gives his Great Speech that unifies the survivors. Jack lectures that they have been on the island for six days. They have to stop waiting. They have to start figuring things out. He found fresh water up in the Valley. He will take a crew up there at first light. If they don't want to go, then they should find another way to contribute. Because every man for himself is not going to work. If we can't live together, we are going to die alone. The camera pans over the gathered survivors. They are holding up lighters, swaying, and holding hands. Most are crying. They have giant photos of Jack that they are holding up in the air. They have Saint Jack t-shirts and commemorative beer steins. It's a beautiful sight.
Hurley, Jin, and Sawyer are dragging Paolo through the woods and over to the Lost graveyard. Hurley says he now believes it was the monster, because when Eko died he said they would be . And Nikki and Paolo were with Eko when he died, so he was talking about them. Sawyer disagrees and thinks that Eko wasn't talking about Nikki and Paolo, he was talking about ALL of them. Hurley doesn't think that's much better. I'm with you on that one! Sawyer thinks that the only way they will find out what happened to them is to find out everything they can about these two jabonies. Jin and I ask simultaneously, "Japanese?" Then I thought about it and realized that Sawyer wasn't being racist, he was being redneck-ist. Sawyer laughs at Jin and says, "You know, Nikki and Pablo." Hurley tells him to be respectful. He knows their names. They are Nikki and Paolo. And they have been there the whole time.
Fifty-seven days ago, Nikki tramps around the camp using her feminine wiles (read: boobies) to get information out of Arzt. She asks him if he's a scientist. He says he is that, and an educator. Good thing that was cleared up. Nikki asks him what he's doing with all this stuff, referring to the jars and jars of insects he has collected. He claims to have found twenty new species and that he is going to be the Charles Darwin. Yeah! That'll get you into her pants! Good thinking, Science Guy! Nikki grabs a jar, and Arzt tells her to be careful because that is a Medusa spider blah blah blah the female has really strong pheromones and one whiff would make all the man spiders in the area come running. He bumbles out some flirty line about how it's just like Nikki, but I'm not really paying attention to the dialogue at this point because I'm trying to figure out 1. where the heck he got all those jars and 2. why he hasn't punched holes in the tops of any of them. He is a Science Guy, right? Even I know that insects need oxygen. I learned that lesson the hard way when I lost my beloved pet ant because I kept her (or him? who knows!) in a pill bottle with no air holes. I'm sorry, ant. Nikki giggles, twirls her hair, and asks if that means he is too busy to help her. Of course not! What does she need? Nikki says, "Well, as you may have noticed I'm not wearing a shirt. It's because I lost my luggage. And I was wondering if you know about trajectories and stuff and can help me find it?" Arzt exclaims, "Of course I do! Do I know about trajectories? Have you seen the rocket I just built in my pants? Of course I know about trajectories! I'll draw you a map!" Sorry, gentle reader, I may have ad-libbed a bit.
Nikki and Paolo are hiking through the jungle, following Arzt's map. Paolo wants to know whether or not they should trust a high school science teacher's word on this. Nikki says that he's actually a junior high teacher and yes, they should trust it. Nikki suddenly realizes that Paolo is jealous. She laughs and talks about how much Arzt's spiders turn her on (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) She jokes that she had to sleep with him to get the map. Paolo says that he wouldn't be surprised, because she slept with Grandpa. Ooh -- low blow, Paolo! Nikki gives Paolo a dirty look, kicks him in the shin, and tells him that she did that for them! He talks about his feelings for a minute and is cut short when Nikki spies a plane! Eko's plane. Boone's plane. It is still suspended over the cliff, tangled in the vines. Nikki tells Paolo to climb up there to see if there is a radio or something! He points out that if he goes up there, he will die. So I guess he's smarter than Boone. Paolo doesn't want to die. Does she want Paolo to die? I guess not, because they walk on and come across the entrance to the Pearl hatch. They uncover the entrance, open the door, and reveal the giant ladder to descend into the hatch. Paolo is all ready to go spelunking, but Nikki says no way because their carry-on bag did not fall from the sky, open a hatch, and crawl down a dark tunnel. And neither will she! She does everything her bag does! Wow, that bag had better be Balenciaga or something.
Back on the beach, Sawyer is going through the dearly departed's tent while Hurley supervises. Charlie comes in to announce that Sun checked the food (using the forensic hatch, apparently) and that they were eating the same as everyone else and no one else is sick. Hurley says, "Dude monster." What is a dude monster? Charlie looks pensive and then forgets that he was pensive and starts going through their tent. He comes across a script for Exposé . Hurley is very impressed because it is the most awesome hour of television ever. He says, "It's like Baywatch, only better!" That's funny, that's exactly what I say about this show! ["Me too... except for the 'better' part." -- Sars] Hurley explains that the show is about two strippers who solve crimes with the help of their smooth-talking club owner, Mr. Leshade. He flips to the back of the script and discovers that Mr. Leshade is the Cobra! The big baddie whose identity has been shrouded in mystery! Excuse me a minute -- my phone is ringing. ... Hello? ... Oh hello, Mr. Conspiracy Theory Guy! ... What? You think that the plot of Exposé is a parallel to the plot on Lost? That we'll find out the big baddie is someone we know and love? Oh gosh! Can't wait. I'm sure it'll only take another four seasons to come about. Anyway, Sawyer is rummaging through their suitcase when he comes across a walkie-talkie. Hurley is shocked. Shocked! Sawyer is pissed, because everyone on the Other side of the Island had walkie-talkies hanging from their damn belts. Charlie is still slow and asks, "How did they get one?" Sawyer says, "Uh duh, Nikki and Paolo were working with the Others."
Ben asks who left the hatch open. Juliet says Tom was there a few days ago. Ben wants Tom to cover the hatch door with the plane. Nice base-covering, writers! Paolo hides in the crapper while Ben and Juliet turn on the Pearl's monitors to spy on the Losties. More specifically, on Shephard. Who is conveniently hanging out directly in front of the surveillance camera that Ben has tuned into. Juliet says Shephard is cute. Ben grimaces at that, puts his index finger and thumb against Shephard's face on the screen, gnashes his teeth, and mutters, "I am crushing your head!" Juliet asks what they are doing there. There's no way that Shephard will agree to do the surgery. Um, yeah. You know, Ben, maybe if you hadn't embarked on a campaign of terror from the get-go and instead had just asked nicely, then why wouldn't Jack help you? He helps everyone. He can't stop himself. That's why he's Saint Jack and you are Evil Ben. Ben says he can convince Jack to do it. He'll do what he always does: find out what Jack is emotionally invested in and exploit it. Juliet barfs a little because obviously this is what Ben did to her. She swallows it and asks, "So we just grab all three of them? Ford and Austin, too?" "No, they have to come to us." "How do we do that?" "Michael, of course." So, wait. If this was the big plan, why didn't they just grab Kate, Sawyer, and Jack when they came out to find Michael? Why did they send them away only to grab them again? Why? Oh, forget it. Pass me another Oly Dark, will ya? I'll just get saucy on the couch. Then I won't care about no stupid answers. Juliet asks if they are we done there because the place gives her the creeps. They leave, and Paolo finally gets out of the can. He finds the walkie-talkie where Ben left it. What a douche for not telling anyone else what he saw! He's a thief and a murderer, but he can't make up a lie to explain what he was doing in the Pearl? Depraved indifference! Where's Jack McCoy when you need him?
Hurley runs up to Desmond to ask him if he knows anything about Nikki and Paolo. Desmond explains that it doesn't work like that -- he can only see flashes. Hurley points out that as superhero powers go, that one is pretty lame. Lame, yes, but not nearly as lame as having fish telepathy. I'm looking at you, Aquaman! Desmond redeems himself slightly by saying that he saw Nikki arguing with Sawyer that morning. Hurley can't believe it! Sawyer says he doesn't know her. Regardless, Desmond saw them arguing right before she died. Mr. Conspiracy Theory? You got anything on this one?
Nasty Vincent is all over Paolo. Probably looking for a snack. Nasty dog. Hurley calls him off. Slow Charlie is not convinced that Sawyer is hiding anything, even though he's pretending he never met the dead girl before. Sun is not sure either. She is convinced it was the Others and she knows what they can do! Hurley goes to get Desmond so he can back him up. As Hurley walks off, Charlie fesses up to Sun. He admits that he fake-kidnapped her to get back at Locke and so that Sawyer would be his friend. He wasn't himself after Locke hit him and humiliated him in front of everyone. Sawyer told him that he could get even if he helped take the guns. He made it look like the Others. He didn't mean to hurt her. He's sorry. Is Sun supposed to forgive him because Locke embarrassed him? Because his manhood was degraded? And is she supposed to believe that he didn't mean to hurt her when he kidnapped her and dragged her through the woods? I am not nearly drunk enough for this shinola. Sun turns on her heel and walks off, but not before we get to see Paolo's blank-eyed stare. Again.
Nine days ago, Locke headed to the Pearl Station and Nikki volunteered to go along. Paolo is not interested, but Nikki points out that he's always whining about not being included. Now's his chance! Inside the Pearl, while Nikki plays with the big boys, Paolo uses the bathroom. He takes the dolls out and grabs the goods. He's in there a long time, but I guess it wasn't the all-fruit diet after all! He announces to the crowd that the toilet still works. They're not very interested.
Everyone is pitching in to help bury the dead. When Sawyer walks up, Hurley charges up to him and demands the gun. Sawyer points out that the gun is not loaded, Hurley points out that that's a pretty lousy way to sweep the perimeter. Then Hurley demands that Sawyer quit lying because Desmond saw him fighting with Nikki this morning. He wants to know if Sawyer killed them. Pretty suave there, Detective Stabler. Sawyer says no, but Nikki came to him this morning because she wanted a gun. Hurley wants to know why he didn't tell them before. Sawyer explains, "Because of the dirt under her nails. When we found Paolo I saw a pile of dirt. She was burying something. If you take the time to bury something right before you die then what you are hiding is probably pretty damn good." Sun wants to know what it was. Sawyer takes out a very non-dirty velvet bag from his pocket. He throws it at Sun. It's full of diamonds. Sawyer says she can have it because whatever happened to those two, he had nothing to do with it.
Twelve hours ago, Nikki and Paolo sat on the beach talking about how Thanksgiving was two weeks ago and they missed it. So the Dharma Initiative didn't include a Dharma Brand Thanksgiving-in-a-Box in the Hatch? Didn't they care about turkey and cranberry sauce and patriotism and morale? Sheesh, no wonder their Initiative failed. Nikki is complaining about missing everything, but Paolo insists that they will be found. Soon, even! Nikki rolls her eyes and asks where this burst of optimism came from. Paolo says he looks at things like that. He gives a helpful example: not finding the bag. It was good for us. The bag almost tore us apart. Nikki agrees. Paolo tells her to wait there while he goes to get them some breakfast at the new Wolfgang Puck Express that just opened up on the Island. Nikki smiles to herself and good lord, her eyebrows are really well waxed. Do you think Sawyer had a waxing kit in his stash? Or did the girls on the Island just invent one out of palm sap or something? Maybe Claire started an Island spa! You know, off-camera, where all the good stuff happens. Nikki looks down at the sand where Paolo was sitting and espies a pack of nicotine gum. She knows his pants are on fire, 'cause he is a LIAR.
Nikki storms up the beach to demand a gun from Sawyer. He claims he has none because the A-Team took them. B.A. Baracus is here? On the Island? And I didn't see him? Aw man, that will shake things up around here! That will definitely turn this show around! Maybe the Harlem Globetrotters are ! Or Sonny and Cher! Sawyer continues that even if had a gun, he wouldn't give it to her, because she's breathing fire and needs to cool off. By sticking her head in the ocean. She storms off, yelling, "Thanks for nothing," as Desmond watches. He likes to watch. Pervert.
Sawyer bends over Nikki's dead body and whispers, "Thanks for nothing." He closes her eyes and starts to dig her grave. Sun comes up to Sawyer with steam coming out of her ears. She tells him that Charlie told her. He asks if she is going to tell Jin. She says no because then they would have to dig another grave. She grabs his hand and slaps the diamonds into them. He doesn't understand why she is giving them back. She points out that they are worthless here. Then she slugs him. He really really deserves it.
As the sun dips in the sky, the Losties are gathered around Nikki and Paolo's grave. Hurley gives the eulogy: "Nikki and Paolo, we didn't know you very well. It appears that you killed each other for diamonds. But you had goods part too. You were always nice to me. And you were a member of the camp. And I really loved Exposé. Okay then. Goodbye!" He picks up a shovelful of sand, but Sawyer stops him. In an extraordinarily un-Sawyer like move, he tosses the diamonds in with them. He solemnly intones, "Rest in peace, Nikki and Paolo." See? He does know their names!
Eight hours ago, Nikki takes Paolo out into the jungle for a surprise. She tells him that she found the diamonds. He is surprised: "Where?" She says they are right here -- in his pants! She found his gum, so she knows he found the bag. She pulls a jar out of her other bag and unscrews the lid. There's a spider in the jar, and she throws it at him. He squashes it reflexively, and it bites him. She reintroduces him to Dr. Arzt's friend the Medusa Spider. She explains to Paolo that it is called the Medusa spider because it turns whomever it bites into stone. I love mythology trivia! The spider bite doesn't kill you, it just paralyzes you for about eight hours and slows your heart rate down to a point that even a doctor would be hard-pressed to find a heartbeat. Since he was bit on the neck, she's going to guess that paralysis will set in quickly. She has eight hours to do all sorts of nasty things to him. Wow, she should sell that service in the back pages of theVillage Voice. Guys would totally pay! Nikki guesses that he has the diamonds on him. In a shoe maybe? No, not in the shoe. She tosses the shoe into the tree. She then figures out where he's got them stashed, and unbuckles his pants. Nikki, seriously. Do you have any idea how much you could charge for this online? Start filming! Nikki follows the treasure trail and finds the diamonds in his pants. Partially Paralyzed Paolo wants to talk about his feelings some more. He didn't want to tell her about the diamonds because he was afraid of losing her. If she found the diamonds, she wouldn't need him anymore. Wow, Paolo, this chick paralyzes you and you waste your last few breaths trying to win her back? Nikki almost falls for it. Then she looks freaked out and stares intently into the woods. Does she hear something? Maybe it's the Tell-Tale Heart? That shit is scary! Partially Paralyzed Paolo, lying on the ground, notices that about a billion Medusa spiders are headed straight for Nikki. ... Oh, right. Spider pheromones. Thanks, Anvil of Foreshadowing! I totally forgot!
Paolo blinks a lot in Nikki's general direction, but it takes her a while to notice. She finally figures it out when a spider crawls up her leg and bites her. She runs towards the beach, stopping only to bury the diamonds. Why? I do not question. I am loaded. I need no answers. There's nothing like an entire case of Rainier Ale to make one not question. I think that's the basis for Zen Buddhism. Nikki makes it out of the jungle to collapse on the beach and mutter, "Puh-- puh-- p--- lies!" Now we know she's trying to say "paralyzed." But it is too late, because she is already in her grave, and Sawyer and Hurley are burying her. Her eyes pop open as the sand piles up on her face. Buried alive! Buried alive! YUCK! I need a beer.
Paolo blinks a lot in Nikki's general direction, but it takes her a while to notice. She finally figures it out when a spider crawls up her leg and bites her. She runs towards the beach, stopping only to bury the diamonds. Why? I do not question. I am loaded. I need no answers. There's nothing like an entire case of Rainier Ale to make one not question. I think that's the basis for Zen Buddhism. Nikki makes it out of the jungle to collapse on the beach and mutter, "Puh-- puh-- p--- lies!" Now we know she's trying to say "paralyzed." But it is too late, because she is already in her grave, and Sawyer and Hurley are burying her. Her eyes pop open as the sand piles up on her face. Buried alive! Buried alive! YUCK! I need a beer.