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In the first of hopefully many more to come, it's a Lucho Libre grudge match on Lost! The Others have opted to make themselves some cheap entertainment on ye olde desert Island by handcuffing Juliet and Kate together and throwing them in the middle of the jungle. After some triple X action-y action, the fight slows down when the monster makes an appearance. Don't worry, the fun starts up again when Juliet breaks it to Kate that Jack saw the video of her and Sawyer! Them's fighting words! After another run-in with the monster, the girls make it back to Camp Other, only to find that all the Others have vanished, leaving only Jack and Sayid. They decide the only option is to head back to the beach. Jack insists on bringing Juliet, despite Kate and Sayid's protests.
Meanwhile, Sawyer is dealing with some serious karmic retribution. The Losties are sick of his bad acts and are determined to banish him from the camp. After a failed attempt at staging The Old Man and the Sea, he realizes that he must makes amends so he can stay in the camp. With Hurley's help, Sawyer makes fumbling, bumbling, idiotic amends, only to realize that the con man has been conned! By Hurley! Heavens to Murgatroyd!
In Flashback Land, Kate is still on the lam. The longest lam ever. But despite being wanted by the feds and stalked by one singularly Kate-obsessed Marshal, she really wants to see her mommy. When Kate saves Sawyer's con artist protégé and, yes, baby mama, Cassidy, from a bad mark, Cassidy repays her kindness by helping Kate see her mom. Her mom, however, is totally a witch. As in Sabrina the Teenage. No wonder Kate is so troubled! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Kate is by herself in the rec room of the Others. She is whiling away the hours by twitching. Very productive use of time! She sees Juliet walk by the window, clutches her pool stick, and crouches by the door. When Juliet walks in, Kate nails her with a pool cue. Oh, well she was going to nail her, but apparently Juliet is a ninja. Which totally makes sense if you think about it. Juliet flips her over her shoulder and smashes her down. Juliet says she was just bringing her a sandwich. I guess that's ninja speak for "handing you your ass on a plate." Juliet turns on her heel and huffs out, leaving Kate lying on the ground with plenty of time for a flashback.
Kate is in Iowa. We know this because of the corn fields, as well as the Patsy Cline soundtrack. Little known fact about Iowa: the entire state has Patsy Cline playing in the background all the time like musak at the Piggly Wiggly. It's good for the ears of corn. Sorry, that was awful. Kate's car is broken down. It needs a new fan belt, and Kate is unimpressed with the three-day turnaround time. The repair guy says, "Welcome to Iowa." Another little known fact about Iowa is that "Three Days for a Fan Belt" is printed on their license plates. The repair guy introduces himself as Johnny, and Kate says she's Lucy. As they pull into the repair station, Sawyer's old flame/con artist protégé is trying to make a buck with the cheap-o necklace scam that Sawyer taught her. The mark is not going for it, though, and wants Johnny to call the cops. Kate obviously has no interest in calling the cops because she has been on the run for about thirty years and, hey, why stop now? She asks to see the necklaces, because "her father owns a jewelry store" and she can probably spot a fake. She buys one, and the mark walks off shaking his head. Kate and the Lady Con walk the other way, and Kate asks for her money back. The Lady Con hands her the money and then totally looks a gift horse in the mouth by asking why Kate helped her. Kate says it was just one girl watching the back of another. Then she yells, "Girl Power!," turns on the Bikini Kill, dons a tiny shirt that says "Riot Grrrls Rule!" and is about to move to Olympia when the Lady Con smirks and says that Kate is probably stranded there and didn't want that guy calling the cops. She offers to giver her a ride into town if Kate will buy her a drink.
Back on the Island, Kate is playing with herself in the rec room. Playing backgammon with herself. She is still handcuffed. When the door opens, she snarls, "What?" But when Locke says her name, she jumps up to see him. He is not handcuffed. His hand is bandaged. She asks if he was captured, and he says he was, but only temporarily. My old friend, Mr. Conspiracy Theory, is IM-ing me about this, but I'm going to block him. Kate is confused by his temporary capture and gets even more confused when Locke says he came to say goodbye. He is leaving with the Others. Kate stares at him. She demands to know what they did to him. Is he brainwashed? Then she demands to know where Jack is. Locke explains that Jack isn't going anywhere. He is getting left behind like her. Kate stops. She grabs Locke and tells him that he can't trust them. If they promised him that he could go home, they are lying. Locke takes a deep breath, looks Kate square in the face, and tells her that he doesn't want to go home. She looks stupefied by this like someone just told her that they don't like kittens or rainbows or unicorns. Incomprehensible! Locke says that he wants her to know that he made a strong argument for her. He said she was a good person: Reliable, smart, and honest. Then they told him who she was and what she had done. He continues, "Let's say forgiveness is not one of their strong suits. Goodbye." He turns on his heel and walks out while Kate grabs him, confused and looking for some answers. She wants to know where Jack is or if he has seen Rousseau. He just says good luck and yells at the door, "Coming out" and all the gay chatter in the forums starts up again because he totally just came out of the closet.
Back on the beach, Sawyer is sitting peacefully in his first-class chair staring out at the ocean, with his glasses and book resting on his leg. Hurley walks up and kicks him. When I get really old, I am going to be a random kicker and just walk up to people and kick them in the shins if I think they are asses. Like people who are rude to bodega owners and shopkeepers. Or people who throw litter. And definitely people who read Ayn Rand. Anyway, Hurley kicks Sawyer, who is understandably cranky about this. And thus starts the ridiculous subplot du jour. Hurley tells him not to look at him, not to talk to him, and that he is not supposed to be there. Sawyer is fine with that and tells him to scram. Hurley says that there are some things Sawyer needs to know. There has been chatter. After Paolo and Nikki (who?) and everything, people are talking, and tomorrow there is going to be a vote about whether or not to banish him. Sawyer sputters, "Banish me? Banish me where?" Hurley says that there was debate about that, but the consensus was half a mile down the beach. Hurley says that the reason he is there is because there may be a chance to make amends. Sawyer says he doesn't do amends. Hurley says that Sawyer may want to think about the perks of living in camp. Sawyer can't even feed himself. He uses the latrine. He drinks the water that Steve brings everyday to the trough. Sawyer stops him by asking, "You know how for three days ten hours and fifteen minutes I ain't allowed to use nicknames?" It's only been three days since the ping-pong contest? That makes my head hurt. Sawyer continues, "Well you sir, Hugo, are rotund, annoying, and blocking my view." Hugo calls him "dude" and tells him he is making a big mistake.
But not as big a mistake as Kate's making, as she eats white bread off the floor. Empty calories, Kate! Moment on the lips, forever on the hips! She hears a noise, realizes it's not the flies that are crawling all over her lunch, and looks out the window. The Others are leaving. They are wearing their Official Other t-shirts. They've grabbed their Official Other duffle bags And they have donned Official Other gas masks. Kate looks around the room in a panic, looking for a means of escape, but it is too late. A random Other tosses a canister of knock-out gas of some sort into her rec room. She futilely covers her mouth with a napkin and tries to get out the padlocked door, but eventually she succumbs and passes out.
In some redneck bar out in the corn fields, Kate and what's her name are having a drink. The Lady Con asks Kate her name. Kate is sticking with her story and says her name is Lucy. The Lady Con (I swear they have not said her name yet) laughs and says, "So what's your real name?" Good question lady! Kate looks abashed, and the Lady Con says, "time someone asks, don't think about it. So, why Lucy?" Kate says that as Lucy is the patron saint of blindness who was miraculously able to see after she had her eyes gouged out by her jilted pagan bridegroom, she felt it was appropriate. Then she said something about having to memorize saints when she was a sweet Catholic schoolgirl and how she thought she could remember it. The Lady Con asks what makes a girl from Sunday school afraid of cops. Kate takes a shot and decides, oh hell with all this hiding and lying and being on the lam, I'll just tell this complete stranger the entire story about how I killed my stepfather because he was a bad man. The Lady Con wonders if Kate did what she said she did, why the hell is she in Iowa? Kate says that she wants to see her mommy. Seriously, Kate, just say it with flowers. The Lady Con points out that Kate is going to have a hard time getting to her mother because the Feds will be watching her 24-7. Kate says she will figure something out. The Lady Con smirks, and Kate says, "What, you want to help me?" The Lady Con looks thoughtful and says yes, because she fell in love with the wrong guy. She loved him, he conned her, and she gave him her life savings. He was a bad guy. So she is going to help Kate meet her mom because in this cold cruel world, one of them deserves something good. Like, gag me with a smurf, okay?
Kate wakes up in the jungle. She is disoriented and confused. She stares at a palm tree. When she tries to move her hand, she realizes that she is still handcuffed. Handcuffed to Juliet! WTF? Yep, Juliet, Her Royal Otherness, is handcuffed to Kate and still unconscious. Kate is not amused. I think I saw a porn with this plot.
Sawyer took Hurley's advice and is trying to make amends. By smiling. What a plan! Who is your campaign strategist? Sawyer is on the beach, fishing and smiling. Unfortunately, the target of his smile is Sun who smiles for a second, then remembers that Sawyer had masterminded her kidnapping, and so she turns her smile upside down and glares at him. Sawyer realizes that he's not going to win the Korean vote. Don't worry, Sawyer. I'm sure James Carville will be parachuting onto the Island just in time for sweeps week. Well, him or Phyllis Diller. Despite being a complete doofus, Sawyer manages to catch a fish. Gutting it however is beyond this particular hillbilly who apparently did not grow up anywhere near a crick. Sawyer uses the fish gutting gone awry as a learning experience. He runs up to Hurley (who is doing his laundry) and announces that he wants to get voted Island Body President and that he wants Hurley to be his campaign manager. Does anyone know where to get buttons made on this Island? Hurley sniffs at this. He then tells Sawyer that he stinks. "What is that fish? Did you try to gut a fish yourself? How can you not know how to do that yet? We've been on this Island, like, three months." Thanks, Hurley, I was wondering the same thing myself. Before Hurley will help him, he makes Sawyer apologize for calling him rotund. Sawyer smirks, says he is sorry, and then ruins it all by saying Hurley is worse than a girl.
Speaking of girls, Kate and Juliet are still handcuffed together. Juliet remains unconscious, so Kate takes the opportunity to survey the situation. She spies a pocketknife in Juliet's pocket. Um, Kate? Are you sure that's a pocketknife? What if she's just happy to see you? Kate grabs the knife, but as she flicks it open, Juliet wakes up and grabs her hand. Because Juliet is a ninja. Juliet wants to know what the hell she is doing here. Kate says she doesn't know but wants to know what she is doing there. Frankly, sometimes with this show I want to know what I am doing here. Kate says she doesn't know anything, so why doesn't Juliet let go of her wrist? Juliet lets go, and Kate sets upon her handcuff with the knife. Kate wants to know what the hell happened. Juliet says she was making a cup of tea when a canister came flying in. Was it chamomile tea? 'Cause that shit can knock you out. Kate wants to know what Juliet did to piss them off. Juliet ignores the question and instead starts harping on the fact that the knife is too big to work on the handcuffs and what they need is a bobby pin or something. Juliet, does Kate look like the bobby pin wearing type to you? The girl hasn't showered in, like, two months. You really think she has a bobby pin? You girls are wacky! Kate stares at her and announces that they are going back. Juliet can't believe it, "They did this to us. Why would we go back?" Kate glares at her and spits out, "You say 'they' like you didn't lock me in a cage and watch me break rocks all day." Which is true, but weren't there a lot worse things happening like Sawyer almost dying? Isn't that worse than rock breaking? Kate continues, "We're going back to your village because my friends were probably gassed just like we were. Besides, they're gone. I saw them pack up." Juliet looks confused, "Gone? Gone where?" Kate explains that Locke came in to say goodbye and to tell her that they were going somewhere. "So welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell is going on!" Oh writers! You do understand our plight! I knew all our prayers and supplications and offerings would pay off. And the daily chicken sacrifices to the four-toed statue? All worth it! Because you understand our pain and you will provide answers, right? Right? Right? Sigh.
Kate is wheeling a suitcase up to a house. She knocks on the door of an apartment. Her mother opens the door and stares in surprise. Just then, the marshals come busting out with guns blazing. There are approximately forty-seven of them just sitting around waiting to see if America's most wanted bank robber might take time out of her busy hiding and evading schedule to show up to see her mom. I hope my tax dollars are paying for this! It is such a great use of public resources. The 47 marshals knock her on the ground, shove their guns in her face, and rip off her hat and sunglasses. But it's not Kate! It's the Lady Con posing as a Bible salesman. The angriest marshal rips open her case and, sure enough, it is chockfull of Bibles. He takes out a few and opens them just to be sure Kate is not hiding between the pages of the Good Book. The angry marshal clearly has "public relations disaster" written all over his face. The real Kate is watching all of this unfold from the safety of a car about six feet away. Gosh, Kate, six feet from the action is a great place to avoid capture! I never would have thought of that! I guess that's why you are the hardened criminal and I am just a lowly recapper who only has to hide when Sars and Wing want twenty-eight more words in their recaplets. And it's easy to hide from them -- just go outside! Heh.
There is a knock at Kate's hotel room door. It's the Lady Con. She charges into the room, peels off her wig, and starts bitching about the lack of respect for Bible peddlers these days. The marshals questioned her for half an hour! They took her case! Good thing she knows how to lie! Excuse me. I have a soapbox lying around here somewhere. Ah yes. Ahem. On what grounds would some overeager U.S. Marshals detain an upstanding and innocent citizen? By what authority would they be able to seize her personal property when there is no evidence of a crime being committed? Did they have a warrant? Are they planning on returning her property? Is this just another example of overly-zealous government action stepping all over our civil liberties? What is the world coming to? I blame Millard Fillmore. It all started to go downhill with him. Okay, stepping off soapbox now. Kate looks barely apologetic about all of this. She is just glad that she knows what she is up against, and she will figure something out. The Lady Con is unimpressed, "There were six guys waiting to take you down, Lucy! And that marshal? I don't know what you did to him, but if he ever gets his hands on you, it's going to be you or him." Kate is inexplicably bitchy about this and says that if the Lady Con is changing her mind about helping her, then she gets it. She'll figure it out. Instead of pimp-slapping her, the Lady Con demands to know if there is a good explanation for her to lie to federal agents just so Kate can talk to her mom. In my opinion, that is a really good question! Kate looks at the Lady Con and fills in the details about her crime: her stepfather used to get drunk and beat her mom, and Kate decided to kill him and make him look like an accident so her mom could benefit from the life insurance policy. Then her mom turned her in. She needs to talk to her mom because someone she loves, someone who is supposed to care about her, betrayed her, and she wants to know why. Nay, she needs to know why. You know, I was fine with Kate playing Farrah Fawcett and killing her abusive stepfather, but when she lays it out like that it sounds so COMPLETELY FREAKING BATTY that I don't get it at all. Kate kills somebody and her mom is just supposed to love and accept it and roll around in the wads of insurance money? Is she not supposed to be dismayed that her daughter went from 4H to Murder Inc.? Meh. The Lady Con nods like this nonsense is reasonable and says they are going to find out why.
It's the middle of the night, and Kate is crouched down poking the dirt. Juliet asks the question we are all harboring: what the heck is she doing? Kate stands up and announces that whoever dragged them out there left a trail, and they can follow it back to camp. Juliet is not interested and, just like my dog, pulls way back on her leash, I mean, cuff, so that Kate can't move forward. She says, "It's going to rain. Don't you think we should wait until morning?" Kate glares, says "No," and drags Juliet forward. They walk for a minute before Kate has to ask why. "Why would they handcuff you to me and then drag us out into the jungle?" Juliet explains that Ben has a thing for mind games. Kind of like the guy in Saw, I guess. Kate wants to know if that is why they left her behind. Juliet doesn't want to talk about it. In fact, she doesn't want to talk at all. Kate agrees, but just then the long-awaited Island monsoon season starts. The girls run smack into a Girls Gone Wild wet t-shirt contest. Totally hot!! How could these soaking wet hotties set themselves apart from the field and bring home the gold in this contest? Girl fight! Juliet starts out with a zinger: "I hope you're not dragging me all the way back for him." Kate can't believe she's going there, but Juliet won't let up. She wants to win! "I hope you're not going back for Jack, because I was standing right there when he told you not to come back. And now that you ruined his chance to get off the Island... " Kate gets into the spirit of the contest and nails Juliet in the face. Of course, since they are handcuffed together so she goes down too. Gotta love physics in action! The girls make themselves serious medal contenders as they wrestle in some hot, wet, girl-on-girl action for the mens. The mens love this sort of thing, apparently. Juliet uses her ninja skills to get in a few good punches, but Kate knocks her down and climbs on top of her. Money shot! She asks Juliet if she's done, but Juliet just moans. How does a nice Catholic schoolgirl end up in situations like this, Kate? Kate tugs at Juliet some more and realizes that she may have actually hurt her. Her apology is cut short by the Sounds of Impending Monsterdom. Kate looks around frantically trying to find the source. Juliet stops moaning long enough to ask what the hell that noise is? I think it's the Island finding this scene totally HOT! Kate looks wet and stunned and smokin' hot. Joe Francis is dying to get his hands on these outtakes. Kate snaps to attention and yells at Juliet to get up. Juliet is still moaning because Kate dislocated her shoulder. Kate really doesn't care, pulls Juliet up, and starts running. The crashing monster sounds chase the girls through the woods, but when they hide in the roots of tree, the monster stops. The girls crouch low, trying to avoid detection, when the monster whips out its Canon Elph and snap photos of Juliet. After it captures its precious memory, the monster retreats. Mr. Conspiracy Theory is sending me smoke signals that this definitely means the monster recognized Juliet and backed off. I think it means the monster is a scrapbooker. It's the fastest growing hobby on the Island! Juliet asks if they are safe and Kate says, "You tell me."
It is night on the beach and the fire is roaring. Hey who is that blonde chick? She looks vaguely familiar. Oh, hi Claire! I totally forgot you lived here! Still in the same house? Aaron started pre-school yet? Love what you've done with your tent. Well, see you around! Sawyer and Hurley are engaging in the Losties' favorite activity: Lurking. They are standing off to the side, watching Claire. Not at all creepy guys! Sawyer announces that he is not kissing any babies. As his campaign manager, Hurley is impassive. He tells Sawyer that no matter how distasteful he finds it, Claire is very influential on the Island. If she votes to keep him, then he's in. Sawyer doesn't understand why Claire wouldn't vote for him, and Hurley is forced to point out that while Sawyer has never done anything to Claire, he has never done anything for her either. He's surly and sarcastic and hoards all the medicine. People don't really like him. So he needs to go over there, say something nice about her baby, call her Claire, and then give her this. Hurley hands him a blanket. Sawyer sighs and heads off. Can't you just imagine Newt Gingrich's campaign manager giving him the exact same pep talk? "Look, Newt, people don't like you. So I don't care how much you hate babies -- if you want to win this election you have to pretend! The soccer mom vote is very influential! So play nice and give them something!" Sawyer approaches her lean-to and tentatively says, "Hello Claire. Hello baby." The baby starts wailing, just proving that babies are stupid. Wasn't it just two weeks ago that only Sawyer's voice would lull him to sleep? Stupid baby! Sawyer looks even more nervous and quickly corrects himself by saying, "Aaron. Hi Aaron." Claire looks suspicious and asks if there is anything she can do for him. Sawyer says no and that he just came over to say that her baby is not as wrinkly as it was a few weeks ago. Claire laughs at the shell of a man who used to be the best con artist in America. Sawyer hands her the blanket and says good night. He looks to Hurley for reassurance and is rewarded with a big thumbs up. Oh Sawyer, is the sun slowly fricasseeing your brain? What was that? How did you ever con anyone ever?
Juliet is still pestering Kate about whether the monster is really gone and whether or not they are safe. Kate does not believe for a single second that Juliet has never seen the monster before, but Juliet swears on her dislocated shoulder that it's true. Juliet is still in agony over her shoulder, and Kate starts to apologize again. Juliet says not to flatter herself because it is the fourth time her shoulder has been dislocated. That is why her ninja masters abandoned her and she is a ronin. Then she gets nasty and tells Kate that she has to help her because she would be on her way home right now if it wasn't for Kate. Kate and I don't follow the logic in that argument, but whatever. Kate retorts, "Jack told me not to come back to protect me. Because he didn't want me to get hurt." Juliet laughs, "Is that what you think? We have cameras on the cages, Kate. All of them. He saw you. You and Sawyer. He told you not to come back not because he didn't want you to get hurt, but because you broke his heart! So grab my arm, push up, and cause me pain now bitch!" Hot!! Kate grabs her arm and does just that. XXXtra hott!
In his imbecilic attempts to convince an entire Island to like him, Sawyer has resorted to the old political trick of flat-out bribery. Since his attempted bribery of Sun failed so miserably last episode, he has realized that the only real currency on the Island is meat. Don't tell PETA. Or maybe they should tell PETA and Ingrid Newkirk herself will come parachuting onto the Island to Stop the Brutal Slaughter of Boars! They would be saved!! So in pursuit of meat and salvation, Sawyer has sought out Desmond's help in shooting a boar. He has his unloaded handgun and is up at the crack of dawn. He ingratiates himself by complaining about the early hour, and Desmond rolls his eyes and explains that boars like to hit the early bird specials at the IHOP, and the best time to shoot one is when they are headed for a refill of Cinnastackers. Desmond is then forced to ask, "What's your angle, brother?" Because he is contractually obligated to say "brother" at least once per episode. Sawyer doesn't know what he's talking about, so Desmond explains, "You have never spoken three words to me, and now you want to be my hunting partner." Sawyer explains to the blissfully ignorant Scot that, in America, politics is all about bribes, and when Jack Abramoff isn't available and he has hearts and minds to change, he has to give the people what they want. Meat! A boar shows up and gets mowed down by Desmond's bullet. God Bless America!
Kate and Juliet have spent the evening hunkered down in the tree. Kate awakes with a start, settles down, and asks Juliet how her shoulder is. When Juliet announces that her shoulder is "awesome!" Kate suggests they get going. Get going straight into a flashback! The Lady Con is sitting in the diner where Kate's mom has been working since Sabrina the Teenage Witch was burned at the stake for heresy and banned to eternal re-runs. The Lady Con's plan to help Kate see her mom is to toss a bowl of chili at her! What a plan! Instead of heading to the back to get a new apron, Kate's mom heads to the bathroom to clean up. That's when Kate makes her move. She walks into the bathroom, and her mom stops and stares at her. She demands to know what she is doing there. Kate says hi and her mom asks her again what she is doing there. Kate said she came to find out why her mom turned her in. Her mom suggests that maybe Kate came to apologize. Kate is not sorry. Not even a little. She stares at her mom and says, "He beat you and treated you like a dog." Her mom doesn't care, because she loved him, and you can't choose who you love. She continues, "For good or bad, I loved him, and you burned him alive. You turned on the gas and lit a match. You murdered him in cold blood." Kate explains, "I did it for you." Her mom refuses to ride that guilt train. "What you did, you did for yourself. Because you are my daughter, I will not tell the two men sitting at the table who have been following me for a month that you are here. But I swear to god, Katie, that if I ever see you again, the first thing I will do is yell for help." Kate cries to herself in the bathroom while I go slam my head into my feminist theory textbook a few dozen times.
Kate and Juliet are continuing their trek back to the Other campus. Kate can't hold it in anymore and asks Juliet, "Did he say that to you? That I broke his heart?" Juliet says that he didn't have to. Kate smirks and announces, "You don't know anything about him." Suddenly, Alex Trebek walks out holding a microphone. That's right ladies and gentlemen we are back with our fifth round of You Don't Know Me!: the game show where the Others prove their knowledge of all sorts of survivor trivia! Just two weeks ago, Ben and Locke faced off on this exact same stage and now they are off an amazing Island adventure together! Let's see how Juliet and Kate fare... Juliet launches into a litany of things she knows about Jack. His height and weight are in there. Marital status, reasons for divorce, love of sushi, hatred of English-style ales, fascination with Scottish folklore, his collection of O-Town paraphernalia, death of his father, blood type. It's all there! Juliet is definitely winning this round. And Kate? What do you know about Jack? Kate realizes she is going down this round, but the game is cut short because the monster is after them again. They start to run, but unfortunately they are girls and they trip. Into a giant mud puddle! Super hott! Girl-on-girl handcuffed mud wrestling?!? What will these writers think of to capture the elusive male 18-35 demographic?
Kate grabs Juliet, and they run more, but Kate stops short as they are about to run headlong into the sonic perimeter fence. Juliet swears it is off, but Kate is not going to risk her head on the word of an Other. She won't budge and insists on running along the fence instead of through it, but the monster is getting closer! Juliet panics, reaches into her pocket, whips out a key, unlocks the hand cuffs and runs through the sonic barrier. She heads for the control box on the fence and types in a code. She tells Kate that she will want to be on the other side of the fence. Kate is stunned and skeptical, but with the monster fast approaching, she has no choice but to cover her head and run through the fence. Juliet turns on the fence as the monster blows up trees and rocks as it makes its approach. Kate ducks into the bushes, but Juliet stands there staring as Smokey the monster appears in front of her. Smokey does not like the fence. It goes all wonky, breaks up into a bunch of Li'l Smokies, and then disappears. Kate is shocked. She glares at Juliet, marches up to her, and shoves her, schoolyard-style. Juliet 'fesses up that they don't know what it is, but they know it doesn't like their fences. Kate is not interested in monster defense mechanisms. She cannot believe that Juliet had a key. The entire time! Juliet tries to explain, "They left me behind too! They gassed me! I know you don't care, but the people I spent the last three years of my life with just left me behind. I know you don't care. But I thought that maybe, if I made you think we were in it together, I wouldn't get left behind again." Kate is still fuming as she grabs the key, unlocks her handcuff, and walks into the woods. Totally leaving Juliet behind. Juliet reaches in to her pocket and pulls out a copy of How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends, flips to her bookmark, and smacks herself in the head as she realizes she totally messed that one up!
Sawyer is going Old Style Chicago political machine and is hosting a pig roast to get out the vote. When he is done basting the pig, Charlie tells him it is dee-licious. Sawyer tells him the secret is Dharma A-1 sauce and paprika. Bobby Flay has nothing on you Sawyer! Sawyer is getting into the smarmy politician thing and tells Charlie that he hopes he remembers the delicious taste of that pig and who got it for him when he goes to vote. Um, why? So Charlie can vote for Desmond? Charlie laughs and asks, "What vote?" Sawyer explains that Hurley told him about the vote. Charlie laughs, "Since when does anyone around here vote on anything?" Sawyer looks confused and then it dawns on him. He marches over to Hurley for some answers. Hurley is porking out. Literally! When Sawyer yells, "You son of a bitch! There wasn't ever going to be a vote!" Hurley doesn't bother swallowing before answering, "Yeah, but wasn't it nice being nice?" Sawyer guffaws, "You tricked me into being nice? That's got to be the lamest con in the history of cons!" Hurley is unaffected by this slam, because it wasn't a con. If Sawyer is going to be their temporary leader, he needs to do some damage control. Sawyer has no idea what he is talking about and demands to know what Hurley has been smoking. Hurley explains, "Jack's gone. Locke's gone. Kate and Sayid? When Paolo and Nikki died we looked to you. You tried to steal their diamonds, but we looked to you. Look at all the people you made happy. Today they can eat boar and relax. And you did that!" Sawyer asks Yoda Hurley, "What if I don't want to be the leader?" "Well Jack didn't either. Sucks for you dude." Hurley gets up and leaves Sawyer to stare around at the beautiful musical montage. Some steel drum players come out and play Bob Marley tunes, and the 7Up dude comes and offers him the refreshing taste of Lymon. People hand each other plates of meat. Claire hands Sawyer the baby, and the wind blows, and everyone looks, er, windswept. Thus endeth the idiotic subplot du jour. We're just lucky no coconuts dropped on anyone's head, that the slapstick tableaus were kept to a minimum, and that Moe, Curly, and Larry are still safely incarcerated in Pittsburgh.
Kate and Juliet finally make it back to Camp Other. Juliet says Sayid is in some backyard, and she'll go get him. She sends Kate to go get Jack. She smiles. Kate goes to Jack's cabin. He is still passed out on the floor. They must have given him extra strong gas because they knew of his saint status and superhero strength. Kate shakes him to try and wake him up. He jerks wildly while he awakens and totally knocks Kate's head into the wall. You always hurt the ones you love. Jack lies on the floor panting and confused. He asks where he is, and Kate tells him they all left which doesn't really answer the question. Jack sits up and Kate, the old waterworks, starts crying. She explains her tears by saying, "I wanted to come back to help you, but you didn't need me to. And now because of me, you can't go home. I'm so sorry. I am SO sorry." Jack is ignoring her and her tears. Which I am chalking up to a knock-out gas hangover and not the fact that he's an immature dick. And Jack? Locke was the one who blew up the damn submarine, not Kate. Maybe you should be belittling and cold to Locke, huh? Oh that's right, he'd probably blow your lame ass up. Jack continues with his cold front and asks, "They just left? Even Juliet?" Kate sucks up her tears enough to reply, "No, they left her too." Jack looks aggrieved and asks, "Why?" Duh, so the love square can live on! Kate points out that he knows Juliet better than she does. He nods to himself. Since Jack is back, he has obviously reclaimed the leader mantle, so Kate asks him "What now?" Jack says, "Now we go back." Kate lifts him up and helps him out the door. Jack, as a spinal surgeon, can you please give Kate a new backbone?
Back in Iowa, Kate and the Lady Con pull up in front of the repair shop. Kate turns to the Lady Con and says, "Cassidy, this guy who ripped you off, you going to tell me his name? Tell me where I can find him? You almost got arrested for me, Cassidy, it's the least I can do." Oh thanks, writers, you don't tell us her name until the second to last scene and now you use it two times in a sentence? It doesn't work like that! It's not cumulative! We need this information at the beginning! So Kate asks for the con man's name, and Cassidy says, "I'm pregnant." Which is a really lousy name. Cassidy says she still loves him. And it's his. So Kate tells her to call the cops and have him locked up. Which is a really odd thing for Kate, of all people, to suggest. Cassidy wisely looks askance at this suggestion and asks if Kate will ever forgive her mom for calling the cops? Uh, no. That has been pretty well established. Kate says goodbye, tells Cassidy her real name, and gets out of the car. She says thanks. And now we know how Sawyer ended up in jail. And that he is fertile. Huzzah!
Outside of the cabin, Jack and Juliet have an awkward reunion with a lot of asking if each other is okay and a lot of not asking why she is covered in mud or why he was knocked out for 24 hours while everyone else was out for two. Juliet has liberated Sayid from the playground. Hi, Sayid! Have you come to recite the three lines you are allowed per episode? Okay go: "I checked all the houses. No weapons. No trails. It's like fifty people just disappeared into thin air." Jack suggests that they take what they need from the cabins and head out before nightfall. Sayid stares at Jack, points at Juliet and says, "She is not coming." Jack says, "Yes, she is." "Why?" "Because they left her behind too." And Jack is totally the boss of you Sayid. Unless you get a better agent or run for Island Body President. I hear Hurley is a great campaign manager.