Desert, helicopter, dust, people. What are we watching? In case you've forgotten, or had other things on your mind these last few weeks, Voice-Over Guy kindly and boomingly takes us through the premise of the show and the people on it. Wasn't that nice of him? And doesn't he project well? Aw. Okay. Six people, divided into three teams of two, dropped off in the middle of they don't know where. Somewhere on earth. Is it coming back to you now? Team one is Joe, a "gay New Yorker," and Courtland (Place), a "sensitive hardbody from Boston." I call them Team Pink. Tami, mother of four -- or Momgyver as someone on the boards called her -- is teamed with Celeste, "fashion" "designer." Is cutting up a t-shirt with Jim Morrison's face on it "designing"? Is an old rock t-shirt "fashion?" Thought not. They are Team Blonde. Carla -- or "Calrissian" -- whose "attitude has attitude," is teamed with Lando, my boyfriend, the "easy-going undergrad from Tennessee." Hey, Lando could be a total freak and be called easy-going to this batch of fruitcakes. Or maybe the writers thought, "Hey, who isn't annoying? Lando? We'll call him easy-going. And can we call the blonde with the fake tits a bitch? No? Well, let's just make fun of her as much as possible." Only that last part was me. Lando and Calrissian are Team Empire.
First, they had to find out where they are and how to get out. The obvious answer would be, "We are in a riverbed." But they had to know the name of the country. Team Empire deduces it first, and correctly, by reading the label on the bottle of Mongolian Vodka. Yay, woohoo, much jumping and woo-ing follow. The Blondes are second and say "Mongoliaaaaa!" Good for them. Team Pink fare rather badly. After asking two Mongolian-looking dudes on motorcycles where they are, and are they in Russia? and where on earth are they? Courtland Place calls the producers via walkie-talkie. "We are innn, the Chechzoslo, the Check, the Checkla Republic. The Check Republic, the Checkla. Checkla? Checkla. Please tell me we're so right. What? No. We're WROWNG!" Yes, wrong. So very wrong. Wrongla.
After a few days in a riverbed, you learn a lot about your partner, so Voice-Over Guy informs me. I thought I learned a lot about people by watching them on TV? But I guess riverbeds can be intense places. Or, really boring places. Here we go with Team Empire. Let's learn, shall we? Try to stay awake. Calrissian struggles with her backpack, and notes that, while Lando is big and strong, she is "just a little girl." It's true, she's about five inches tall. Calrissian is Thumbelina. Just kidding. Lando says that Calrissian is "easy on the eyes," and that what she lacks in strength, she makes up in smarts. Several shots of her bartering flash by. It's true -- the girl can negotiate. Then we see Lando teaching the Mongolian children to dance again, this time doing the dip, and my heart melts. Calrissian says she is "grateful" to have Lando as her partner. Stay away from my man, Calrissian.
Hello, Blondes. Celeste says that, being blonde, Team Blonde may have an advantage. Is it that they can share the same vat of Frost n' Tip? Or that they already know all the same blonde jokes? What could this advantage be? Double-teaming the Mongolians? I don't think they get Baywatch. Celeste calls herself "the Pam Anderson of Lost," and somewhere Pam briefly considers a lawsuit, then laughs and realizes that no one believes that shit for a second. Celeste then points out (as if she has to) her giant fake boobs, and that while people may think she's a bimbo, she "only looks like one." Well, that's a relief. So if on the outside she looks scrawny and nasty, on the inside is she nourished and wonderful? Not. Buying. It. Celeste on Tami: "She's a mom. And her soothing tone and her patience are working really well." I don't know about Celeste's mom, but in my experience, I have to say that "mom," "soothing tone," and "patience" are not always used in the same sentence. Or, you know, found in the same person.
Finally, Team Pink. Courtland squats in the dirt and draws a "map," or rather, a circle and a dot. Maybe he's making a map of a cootie shot? He describes himself as a "take chaahge" type of person. And also that he paahks his caah in Haahvaahd Yaahd. Because he's from Boston. Sorry, "Bawstahn." Joe, gay New Yorker, "brings pizzazz and style to the team." Oh, whatever. Is a grating, nasal voice stylish? Tell Fran Drescher to come back, in a hurry. Vogue has a cover shoot that can't wait! Then, we hear the quote I've repeated to my friends often (none of whom watch this piece-of-crap show) to give them an idea of how shallow and meaningless and ridiculous Lost is. Joe sees goat cheese and swoons. "Goat cheese. From the actual GOAT! This is the cheese that's in my salad AWL THE TIME!" What style. What pizzazz. What zzzz.
Okay, finally, we're almost up to the present action. Team Empire has pulled ahead of the other teams and made it almost to the capital of Mongolia. Calrissian gloats, since the Blondes were so cruel and nasty to her when they started out. Joe and Courtland "don't know how to make [each other] happy." Courtland, Joe has a serious thing for goat cheese. Just a tip. The Blondes admit that they "suck at this." They even suck at sucking. Finally, we learn (again, some more) that to win at Lost, you just have to make it "out of here" and back to the Statue of Liberty "however you can."
Seziure-inducing credits. A dude whispers, "Lost." Dude? We know.
Lando and Calrissian jounce and jostle in a van headed down an extremely bumpy road headed to the Ulan Bator, the capital of Mongolia. From there, they'll head to Russia. They're pretty psyched. And then, just when I think we're finally in the present, it's back-story time again. The teams were selected from thousands of entries, and are competing for $100,000 and some stupid kind of car. It took everyone three days to get out of the riverbed, and from there it's seventeen hours to the capital by car. Team Empire has a twelve-hour lead.
Joe earns my disgust (again, some more) by repeating his gay dominance theory. All he has to do is go to "all the gay bars" and work the community, and he's bound to win. He's psyched to have a "hot, musclebound partner," because then he can "take him to all the gay bars and bill him as a gay porn star, and sell his autograph." Yeah. RIGHT. Do you see the problem here? He's expecting every other place on earth to have as large (and as wealthy) a gay community as New York City does, but he needs them to be naïve enough to not know that Courtland is not only not a porn star, but not gay. Joe should be on The Real World. If only he were twenty years younger or so. In a van crammed full of Mongolians, Joe compliments Courtland on his good looks, then insists that he doesn't "look at [Courtland] in a sexual way." Oh no. As an object, yes, but not personally, or something.
The Blondes make it into a van headed for the capital, way behind everyone else. Voice-Over Guy calls Ulan Bator "a mixture of Russia, China, and possibly solutions." What a weird sentence. Team Empire has already landed there; Lando and Calrissian try to sell their camping gear to raise cash for train tickets to Russia. Shots of Calrissian bartering and hustling are cut with Joe and Courtland's analysis of Calrissian being "on top of her game" and trying "to get what she wants," rather than being "nice." Well, duh! Isn't that what competition is all...oh, never mind. Some beauty shots of Calrissian fly by, along with a quote her mom gave her (via Eleanor Roosevelt) that "you must do the things you think you cannot do," and that this trip fulfills that requirement for her, and other faux-inspirational crap.
Finally, back to the Blondes. The leap out of the van, and Celeste massages her bony, horrifying "butt." I've seen bigger asses on ants. Her glamour shots consist of walking down a street with a 99-cent store behind her, saying that she would put on a bikini in order to make a few bucks. People would pay her to dress, right? Because the woman is a nightmare. If the camera adds ten pounds, please train a few more cameras on her, because the girl looks beyond Skeletor. Then she says she got her fake breasts to please one guy, and that he isn't in the picture anymore, and that if she wins it, she will spend the money on a breast reduction. Oh, what a sad, sad story. So sad I could zzzz.
After a very fake moment in which Team Pink realize that they are at the same rest stop as the Blondes (Pink hides, then realizes they are busted, then jump out and hug and hug the Blondes and say "love you!" before hopping back in the van), we are finally (please?) at the present moment of the game. The Blondes' van pulls ahead, leaving Pink in third place. Courtland Place says that he's okay with that, and Joe is like, "Please be happy about being in first place?" Courtland says that he can't wait. And then, wham, Team Empire is on a train bound to Russia, totally in the lead. The Blondes make it into the capital, and grab a motel room, in second place. Joe, Courtland, "and their issues," says the announcer, are in third place. Okay.
Okay, the train? That Team Empire was on? Stopped running at the Mongolian border. No lead for Team Empire. They have to wait fifteen hours for the train to Russia. You know another reason I hate this show? It sounds like a math problem. We have one of the worst shots ever seen on television (hello, tired camera guy) of a granite wall and a fraction of Lando's face, informing us that they are going to wait it out. This show sucks.
Somehow, Joe and Courtland Place have crashed in the Blondes' hotel room. They alll wake up, refreshed and "bonded." They sing Happy Birthday to Joe -- with Celeste chiming in that she's "yooounger than [he]" -- and all decide to go to Russia together. What is this, Communism? No, this is a game show. Play by the freaking rules. Some gentle shit-talking about Team Empire follows, with Joe saying, "It's the tortise and the hare now." Okay, the hare was faster, but stopped to rest and then lost because of the slow and steady tortoise. This is like Lost how? Are they talking about The Amazing Race?
The members of Team Empire are slap-happy, resting and killing time before their train. They giggle in their tiny beds, and don't show any sympathy for the camera guy, who has to sleep on the floor. He turns the camera on himself and shakes his head. Oh, camera guy. Kick yourself later. Kick the people in the beds now.
The Blondes and Team Pink are on the train. Tami looks at a bandanna signed by her family, and wipes her eyes with it. Then, Team Empire gets on board and learns that the other two teams are on the same train and that the race is all tied up. Team Empire is pissed. Then the members of Team Empire play cards and get their sense of humor back. Is this show canceled yet?
All of the teams de-train, tied for suck. Calrissian screams, "Happy birthday, paisan!" He screeches that he loves her. Then his pants burst into flames. I guess that, these days, there is no better way to bond with someone than to be on a reality show with them. If only I knew the love these people feel. If only...oh god, I'm crying. Hold me, Wing Chun! ["I feel so self-actualized by our bonding, Alex! Define me!" -- Wing Chun] Okay, I'm better now. Voice-Over Guy says this moment is critical. Do the teams go west, over Europe, or east, to stop in Japan before heading to the U.S.? Team Pink heads for the airport, the Blondes for another train station, and Team Empire to a travel agent. The Blondes totally bag on Calrissian for waiting for a train, and say that they were lucky to get in a van. Tami says that they were "skilled" to get in that van, and that it was stupid of Calrissian to wait. Celeste says that her "braids are too tight." All this Calrissian-bashing is really endearing you Blondes to me. Trash-talking roots-having air-headed bimbettes.
Current status: Blondes are lost, again. Pink argues. Carla asks the very deadpan Roseanne-Roseannadanna-looking travel agent (who speaks English!) to call the airline and ask for a free or discounted ticket. The travel agent looks at her stone-faced, then says, "Better you stay here. I find you a nice boy." Ba ha! She's a matchmaking travel agent of looove. Pink: "Do you sell map [sic]? Maps?" Team Blonde: "Even if you do go hooking around here, no one has any money!" Team Empire: gets a ride to the train station, and $10 American from another travel agent. Empiiiire! Calrissian and Lando are on a sixty-six-hour train ride across Siberia. In the lead, baby. Calrissian says the Blondes should "kiss [her] pretty, Italian..." Lando finishes her sentence: "Ass. Kiss some ass, baby! Kiss it!" The Blondes miss their train and are defeated, and clueless. "We suck at this," says Celeste. Everyone knows. Joe and Courtland are also clueless. Courtland says that he wants to go home, and that he thought there would be more hiking, which he could beat anyone at, since he spent thirty days in the desert and hiked his way out. He goes on to day that he'd "rather spend sixty days in the desert than one day here." Gentlemen, if you'd only remove those guns from Courtland's head, he'd be free to go. Oh, there are no guns? My bad.
Team Empire cozily sits on the train and discusses the fact that the Blondes have been trash-talking Calrissian. Calrissian doesn't know why, since she never brought up Celeste's boob job or that Tami's gums flap constantly. Hee. We see the Blondes, hiking by the side of the road at twilight, homeless and clueless. Aw. Team Empire, eastbound, leads by a day, again. Yay!
Team Pink has a future flat-tracker for a cab driver. He speeds crazily down the road, psyched to be in a race, even if the other two teams aren't even in sight. Courtland asks whether he "races caahs for a living." Oleg, Russian cab driver, says that he "never knew such a people exist in the world [sic]." Such a lazy people, happy to take advantage of others' good nature? Sure. They're called "Americans."
The Blondes meet some Mormon missionaries (none of whom were ever on The Real World New Orleans), and learn that (a) they barely have enough money for a bus, and (b), you don't just casually lay your hands on Mormon missionaries. Why are they letting missionaries negotiate for them? And do you bet they feel skanky after all their hooking and bikini talk now? The missionaries totally blow them off. Wow, if people on a mission don't want to help the Blondes, they are so screwed. What did they do to piss off God? Don't answer that.
Carla, "ruthless and shameless," begs guys on the train for money. They give it to her. Whatever.
Oleg the cab driver tells Team Pink to ask Oleg's boss for money. His name is Mr. Oh. That's "O-H." Oleg and Mr. Oh both speak English. Joe makes an impassioned, nasal speech for cash to the inscrutable Mr. Oh. He actually says "on bended knee," though he is, in fact, seated in a chair. Can he and Courtland clean the office? They're "not just looking for a handout." Dude, what about your porn-star plan? I want to see the Siberian gay bars. I think we all do. Dickla's Bar, on the corner of Third and Romanov Streets. Mr. Oh grimly takes out his wallet and hands over $200! Holy shit, I am amazed at the generosity of these people. Is it the cameras? Are they all Buddhists? I love that the Mormons were like, "See ya," but this impassive taxi-driver manager guy just hands over a wad of cash. Mormons 0, Mr. Oh 1,000. Oleg high-fives Team Pink. Now, take them to a gay bar!
Tami cries. "In a place where poverty reigns, Tami doesn't see the sport in begging." Good eye. Too bad no one else noticed. She sniffles and snuffles and says that she "is so ashamed to be an American right now." Tami? Me too. How insignificant is all of this? Shut up, me.
Joe and Courtland haven't gotten anywhere, but are hanging out with a posse of Russians and, Voice-Over Guy booms, "learning about the local liquid culture." "Local liquid culture"? WTF? Does he mean sea-monkeys? They're hanging out in a restaurtant, or cultural center, listinging to some Siberian opera with a bunch of Russian ladies. Hardly a gay bar. The locals love Team Pink, and Team Pink loves them right back. Much drinking ensues. Not by them, by me.
On the "increasingly fragrant Trans-Siberian express" (thank you, Voice-Over Guy), Calrissian is totally skeeved at the smelly passengers and nasty facilities. It looks just like Amtrak, but with wooden toilets. When she returns to her seat, some Russian dudes have spilt milk on her gear; they then hit on her. She rebuffs their advances, then says she's "pissed and aggrivated." Over spilt milk? Come on now. Team Empire has a two-day lead.
Joe and Courtland party at the Russians' non-gay bar some more, enjoying the atonal throat singing and furry hats and dancing. Joe hollers, "We've made a connection!" Then he tells a funny-mean little story about their gang bumping into Celeste; the Russians were possessive of Team Pink but ignored the Blondes. "They are ours." Ha ha, ooh, burn.
So, Team Pink is having a great time with the Russian party people, the Blondes have no clue and are "crushed," and the "leaders are having no fun at all." Thank you, Voice-Over Guy. Hey, want to pick up a little extra cash writing recaps? You seem to have an unsusal take on things. What's that? You'd rather make fun of them on tape? Sure, if that's your thing.
Morning. Celeste -- her hair in horrid braids -- tiredly tells the camera that they're hoping someone named "Marguerite" can help them get to the border. Team Pink is still hanging and drinking with their Russian lady friends. Joe, who loves to talk about food, says that "every half hour, the table is replenished with fruits, cheeses, breads, cognacs, and champagnes." Oh my, Joe loves the foods. The foods of all kinds and plurals. Team Pink is hoping that the Russian will somehow get them a ticket to Japan.
Hee, I love Voice-Over Guy. "Getting Tami and Celeste out of Siberia is now a joint Mormon-Siberian effort." Hee! We see the white-shirted dudes and Marguerite (the Mormon lady?) planning and plotting the fastest way to rid themselves of the annoying Blondes. Celeste stands weakly as the Mormons rush around her. Could she be any more useless?
Joe talks with Oleg about getting free airfare to Moscow. Some guy can get Team Pink on the plane. Wow, they have the hookup! Joe is like, "So, that's definite, then." Oleg says no. "Maybe in America when people promise, then yes, but this is Russia. People change their minds a hundred times a day. Don't relax until you are on the plane, man." This Oleg guy is good. Joe opens a bottle of something fizzy and it sprays all over the floor. Oleg says, "I'm so tired of you guys." Oh, I love Oleg! He totally gets how I feel.
Okay, in classic Bunim/Murray fashion, something exciting and important happens, and we don't see it for ourselves. Apparently, Lando was sleeping, and some Russian boys came by to see whether Calrissian wanted to party. She did not, so they started yelling, and according to Team Empire's cameraperson, "Some mention of the n-word was used [sic]." Carla and Cameradude were like, screw you guys, Lando is our friend, and Lando says he just calmly stayed in his bunk, because he "didn't want to be one of those angry, you know, guys, that they see on TV all the time." Lando is so totally my boyfriend. Racism sucks.
The Blondes -- due to the "magic" worked by Marguerite the Mormon -- get on the train. As Celeste sat in the train station, Marguerite put on a bikini or went hooking or something, and got the Blondes on board at the last second. They are now in second place.
Team Pink, having had many drinks and meats and cheeses and things, is waiting for a plane. "All this partying is strategic," says Joe. Mmm-hmm. The Russian lady plays the spoons. Their camera-lady does as well. Voice-Over Guy says that if they do, in fact, get on the plane, they'll be first. If, if, if.
Tami and Celeste are on the train, which has stopped. They have been stopped for nine hours. Tami says that her mother is ahead of her now, along with her dead grandmother. As soon as your dead grandmother stops spinning in her grave, I hope she comes back to slap you, Tami, for invoking her name for this hokey-as-shit show. They drink. Tami slurs, "Dos-ve-freaking-danya." She repeats the phrase. No one else cracks up. Not even her dead grandmother.
Lando and Calrissian de-train in Vladivostok, at the Pacific Coast. , they want to get on a cruise ship.
Joe blathers that he doesn't think Team Empire has enough money to get on a plane, so Calrissian and Lando are in a great position. If, in fact, they get on the plane. If!
Calrissian begs to be let on the cruise ship. She says she'll make beds or clean rooms. Please. Please? Pretty please?
After saying that they have "a verbal agreement" for a reduced plane ticket, Joe asks a heavily made-up Russian lady -- Vera -- whether they're going to win. Vera. Vera? Girrrl-friend? Answer the gay New Yorker! I think she's drunk.
Calrissian begs and begs the cruise-ship people, again, some more. Lando sings, Calrissian can dance. Anything!
Courtland wants to get the tickets. Oleg looks at them like he's about to kill them.
Lando is put on the spot. Sing. Sing, damn you!
"Joe and Courtland are at their airport moment of truth." Hee! Voice-Over Guy is slaying me. Lando is singing to the cruise-ship people, who giggle into their hands. They give. Okay, you're on! Oleg tells Courtland to get another $200 to get on the plane. Team Empire boards the ship, hooting and hollering. Then, the members of Team Pink get their passports checked, kiss their Russians goodbye, and get on the plane.
Calrissian gloats, "We have food, we have beds...do you hear me, Tami and Celeste? We got these, these are ours, for free. We have men, and showers, and you know we're going to get to Tokyo and get airline tickets for free." Some singer-songwriter guy weakly wails that "oh, oh, yeah, sing out, yeah, everything's not lost!" Except for Tami and Celeste.