Huge shout-out to everyone on the boards who is not insane. All four of you. You know who you are.
Okay: six people, dropped in a desert, facing obstacles, on a reality game show. Got it? Tonight, one of the teams "will cross an ocean." I will try not to "barf."
Lando and Calrissian are chilling on the cruise ship they "begged their way onto." The "sea is churning." Lando is seasick, but Calrissian is still on top of her game and heads out to try to get some more cash to get them home. She's knocking on doors of the cruise ship, all, "Hellooooo? Give me money?"
Three days behind lag the Blondes, who have leeched onto a Russian family traveling on the same sixty-six-hour trans-Siberian "express." They eat the family's food. Tami makes the thirteen-year-old daughter a hair band from a rubber band and yarn. Go, Momgyver! Celeste bleats her oft-repeated "you can tell Tami is a mom" mantra. Oh my god, we know. Tami says that the love of her family gives her the strength to "do many more things," like be on stupid reality game shows, or something. Then, we see a home-video clip of Tami's son being asked whether he thinks Tami-Mommy is the strongest person in the world. Vigorous head shake "no." Who is stronger, then? "God." Ah, kids! They say the funniest fucking things. Hey, that gives me a great idea for a TV show! Oh no. Wing? Hold me. I know it's early on, but still.
Joe and Courtland land in Moscow, putting them in the geographical and tactical lead. Courtland believes that they should hop a train to Vienna that same day. Maybe he has a hankering for some of those fingers. Or those sausages. They slog through the airport, yelling for help, in English. They come up to a shuttle-bus thing, and a woman inside is like, "I heard you. You need help." Team Pink is like, "Yesss!" Do they not see the irony? She sits bemusedly listening to them natter on about how they almost quit but now they think they're winning. She really cares, I can tell.
Lando, still seasick, sits up and accepts Calrissian's offering of "Dramamine, mon." Hee. Calrissian then "goes out to hustle a cute man to get [them] some money." Oh my. Bamp chicka wah wah! We actually get a montage set to music of Calrissian schmoozing Russian guys -- including the ship's captain -- sitting on laps and giving out her phone number and the like. Lando stays in his bunk, groaning. I sit on my couch, groaning.
The Blondes sell off some of their camping gear for cash. Then, they de-train in Vladivostok, from whence Lando and Calrissian left three days earlier. One of the Blondes' train homies puts them in the direction of a travel agent, who says in heavily accented English that the boat to Japan will depart "maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe later." Celeste looks worried. Maybe Celeste should get off her bony ass and hustle a little instead of just wasting away before our eyes.
Joe and Courtland's train to Vienna? Doesn't exist. There is a train to Warsaw. They decide to take it, though Joe's capped smile looks forced and Courtland looks crumpled and defeated.
Calrissian comes out of her cabin with an already-opened bottle of red wine. Oh man, how do you say "roofies" in Russian? She sighs and giggles, then heads into a cabin with some Russian dudes, pours them a glass each, and says they need a ride, then a plane from Tokyo to New York: "Money, we need money." The Russian guys cackle in a scary, date-rape kind of way.
Voice-Over Guy nails it: "The harshness of Moscow is overwhelming to Joe and Courtland." Dude, I'd think the harshness of anything outside of a Gap or a Chi-Chi's would be overwhelming to these lunkheads. A seizure-inducing sequence of gritty, gritty (gritty!) Moscow flashes by (ooh, people smoking! People standing on a street corner!) as Team Pink slogs by toting backpacks. Joe says that since they can't afford the train ticket, they're going to be "homeless in Moscow." Yeah, if only there were an embassy or something they could go to. I am so sure these two pampered show ponies will sleep on the street, not.
Celeste files her nails (no comment) as Tami frets about their situation. A "woman upstairs thinks the governor should know about this...." Woman upstairs? Is the talking about God? Or Mary-Ellis Bunim? So this woman said to wait, and that the governor would take care of them, and the Blondes saw the boat leave. "Aaah!" says Celeste, "all I have left is my sense of humor. And some serious B.O." And now, all Celeste has is the B.O. Isn't this show sad? What it does to people? Not the actual contestants, I mean -- me.
Calrissian slugs back wine with the very creepy touchy-feely Russian dudes. Lando says he will "do whatever he has to do -- not whatever, but, you know, [he'll] do something." Hee. Good looks and brains, what a package.
Tami and Celeste, in their usual ultra-passive way, randomly wander toward the lady who said she would help them; the lady then runs into her friend, who is the local press secretary, who introduces them to some travel dude who puts them up in a hotel. Celeste sits down and says, "I think I'm in a suite." Recovering bimbo, my ass.
Lando drags his seasick self up to a crappy little lounge to sing. For about a minute, all we see is a shot of him singing -- not tunelessly, but not exactly wonderfully either. I guess he's pretty good. Calrissian yells, "Wooo!" He could be singing just to her and the Russian date-rapists. It's that intimate. Oh, wait -- I was right; no one is actually there. Lando sings, the band limps along, and then it's over. NBC, proud as a suck-cock!
Joe and Courtland, sitting in a tree, not. Courtland limps back to Joe -- who's stretched out on some steps -- and goes over hotel prices. They could also stay in Putin Square. Courtland says he's "cool with" whatever Joe wants to do. Joe seems more bent on getting Courtland to make a decision than he is on making one himself. "Make your point, then I'll tell you if I agree with you or not." Guys, is that a gay bar over there? Bamp. Only no, it isn't. Courtland laughs exhaustedly as Joe passive-aggressively tries to get him to make up his mind. "Now we're in your court; where are we staying?" Oh my god, would someone just drive? Joe is totally a bottom. Courtland gets up and sits about eight feet away, pouting, "I could wait all night; I could care less." Oh my god, what babies. I pity their significant others. Or should I say "Daddies"? I bet Joe never asks his Daddy to stop hitting him.
Almost in Japan, Lando mulls over the fact that it may be harder to finagle plane tickets than it's been to get the ship and train tickets. You know, post September 11th, this show just cannot happen. Do you hear me, NBC? It just makes no sense to carry on. Get to work making a good comedy show and leave this reality crap alone. Or even reruns of travel-themed comedies. Anything, please. Lando goes on to say that they've hit up everyone on board for cash and won't stop at using Calrissian again as man-bait. Calrissian clings to one Russian patsy and says he's going to come to live with her in America. He puts them in a cab to the train station, and Calrissian jiggles and giggles and hugs him goodbye. I guess Celeste really is an ex-bimbo, since this never occurred to her. Oh wait, it did. But I guess the idea left her lips and then her brain. Go, Calrissian.
Team Empire takes two bullet trains, land in the Tokyo airport, and begin to squabble. Lando runs into Calrissian with the luggage cart and she tells him to "watch where the [bleep] he's going." Uh oh.
The Blondes, still in third place, limp out of their suite to try to find an American journalist who's supposedly staying at their hotel. He's hot, especially for a journalist. Maybe he's a travel writer, or writes recaps for Mighty Big TV. He speaks Russian (and, as Celeste helpfully points out, English), and runs around with the Blondes, doing their work for them. At the ship office, he learns that Team Empire left for Japan three days earlier. Bummer. No more boats for four days. Tami suggests heading for Korea. But there's no way to get there. Tami says it "doesn't matter how much we use our brains, it doesn't matter how much people try to help us; if the route is not available, the route is not available." Yes. Yes, that is true. But what's this malarkey about using your brains? The smartest thing I've seen Tami do yet is make that hair band.
Pink Team is still wandering the streets of Moscow, "growing increasingly dysfunctional." Hee. They have $90 left. Joe says he sees a taxi stand, with a lady, but when he asked the lady for a taxi she said, "No taxi." Courtland asks, "When we get into the taxi, where do we say we are going?" Joe doesn't know. Oh my sweet lord. In an interview, Courtland says that the city was "not my game. The earlier part, that was supposed to be my game. The city part, well, I thought that was going to be my partner's game." Joe, in another interview, natters that he knew there were going to be challenges, and that having a partner would be another challenge, and now he's "choosing not to deal with it." Passive-aggressive freak. Courtland notes that the "fun was gone." Wow, there was fun? When was that?
Team Empire slogs through the Tokyo airport, trying to get tickets with no money. Polite Japanese airline ticket people totally laugh in their faces. I don't blame them. For some reason, Calrissian flips the camera an extended bird.
The Blondes and their hunky American journalist guy try to negotiate a boat ride, but run out of energy. Then they learn that they are staying (for free) at one of the lamest hotels in Vladivostok. Plus, when they sit down, they get propositioned because the crappy hotel rents by the hour. Ex-Bimbo and Mother-of-Four can't see any advantage in that. So they spend their energy trying to stay at a nice hotel. And who thought these blondes weren't dumb! Not me. They get a nicer hotel room (Tami says she can "smell the soap and the shower") and collapse.
Team Empire wakes up early, after sleeping pretty badly in the airport all night. They go to a few airline ticket offices and get denied at each one. One guy firmly says, "That is our final decision." Then Calrissian runs into a fleet of Northwest flight attendants and wheedles them for help. One attendant guy gives away the tickets they get for family. Three passes and a nice hotel room for free! Woohoo! Lando and Calrissian frolic in the beautiful hotel pool.
The Blondes giggle at Celeste's dirty bathwater. "I'm a dirty girl," giggles Celeste. But she said she only looks like a bimbo? Oh, she meant literally dirty. My bad.
Team Empire, after two days at the airport, are waiting standby for a flight to New York. They wait nervously. And don't make it. But they hang out in the airport bar and have a good time. Calrissian says she "met the coolest people." Then, they make a plane to Hawaii -- which is, as Voice-Over Guy helpfully says, the same flight time from Moscow to New York. And guess who is still in Moscow?
Team Pink. It's almost midnight, and they're still on the gritty, gritty Moscow streets. Some English-speaking Russian dudes tell them about cheaper hotel options. Does that sound good to Courtland? He can't decide. Joe chides him for being indecisive. Joe, fuck you. You are also not being decisive. Joe passively says, "You can never make up your mind. Does that make you want to quit?" How do you get from there to there? Courtland says "nothing makes [him] want to quit, but it does make [him] not want to play the game." Is that not the same thing? Okay then. Huge fucking "whatever" to these two ninnies. I guess Joe want to throw in the towel as well, since he doesn't have an argument. Oh, sorry, he "is choosing not to deal with it."
Okay, since NBC, at the half-hour mark, felt it necessary to provide a rundown, I'll recap it. Six strangers, dropped in the middle of nowhere, have to find their way back to the Statue of Liberty. Does everyone get it? Okay: the Blondes, "stuck in Siberia," are chilling in their luxury hotel room. Team Empire have landed in Hawaii; they're the first team to hit America. And Team Pink is in Moscow, totally dejected and -- oh wow -- quitting. Sarah Cawley, their camerawoman, says "it's an extreme game." Really? All they have to do is use their heads and know a little geography. Hey, NBC brass? Take me. Use me. I can do this shit easily. Seriously. I would so totally win. I don't even care about being on television. This shit looks easy. Lost makes Survivor -- or even Slut Boat, or whatever that dating ship show is -- look challenging. Joe and Courtland, shame on you. Sarah goes on to say that she doesn't think the members of Team Pink "understand that their time to be on national television is over, and that this will all be behind them, and all they will have is their memories. They let themselves get torn apart. And that's too bad." I'll bet they don't understand. Is this NBC's way of saying "no reunion show for these two"? Good move. We get a montage of Team Pink's "highlights," including some nice shots of Oleg the cab driver and the Russian party ladies. Aww. Goodbye.
The Blondes are "celebrating," even though they've been in Vladivostok for four days. It's Celeste's birthday. She and Tami hug.
Now in Hawaii, Calrissian negotiates with airline ticket agents, trying to get a flight "for all three of us" (hello, camera guy) to New York. No luck. Lando says he doesn't want to "wish things for other teammates," but he hopes they are having similar delays. If he only knew.
Celeste oohs and ahs over gifts from her Russian friends, then gets into a cab, cackling, "It's my birthday and I'm leaving Russia." Oh, is it Russia's birthday, too? Because I think that's just what Russia asked for. American journalist guy and two Russian ladies wave as the Blondes board the same ship Team Empire rode (for free) four days before. Celeste is wearing a shirt that says, "Recovered Bimbo." Yeah, right.
Lando and Calrissian frolic in the beautiful Hawaiian surf. They hope to catch a flight in the day or so. Lando wears pink Speedos. Hee.
Night falls. Team Empire "make more friends." They go out to some clubs. Then, the team falls apart. Lando wants to stay out later than Calrissian, and they fight. We see both of them dancing in the club, then drunkenly heading home, having cross words. In classic bad-reality-show-editing fashion, we don't see the original conflict -- just the fallout. Calrissian asks a pissed-off Lando whether he can have a rational conversation, or just flip out. She repeats the question. He says he was ready to have a rational conversation back in the club. She says she isn't going to blow the last two weeks so that he can get his groove on, which he can do anytime after this. He yells that he doesn't want to put up with this "petty bullshit." I guess Calrissian could have left and let Lando do his thing. But that would have been too easy. The day, a sad-faced Calrissian says the night "sucked" and was " a sucky thing to have happen."
Joe and Courtland land at JFK Airport. They hug, and go their separate ways. Courtland tearily explains to his girlfriend that the reason he's home so early is that Team Pink was "DQ-ed." What does that mean? Dairy Queened? No, his "teammate quit the team." Oh my god, passive much? Sure, Joe said the word "quit" first, but don't hang it all on him.
Joe talks with his boyfriend, whose name is -- I swear -- Narquis. Narquis is happy to have Joe home -- or rather, it doesn't "bother" him that Joe is home early. Joe says it "bothers" him to be home early. They have a leopard-print couch and large candles.
Courtland wakes up his dad, who is snoozing on the couch. "I'm not lost," Courtland giggles.
Joe, who sounds so much like Harvey Fierstein that I'm beginning to believe speaks that way as an affectation, pontificates: "It was like being married. We were married, we got divorced, we had couples' counseling, but we split up. But the fact of the matter is we have a child, called Lost." Have you ever rolled your eyes so hard your head hurts?
Courtland laughs on the couch. His dad, who looks Laotian or Vietnamese or Cambodian or something, is straight-faced. Courtland laughs that it was "an awakening," and that we shouldn't judge him "until [we've] been in [his] boots." Too late for that, wuss.
So, the teams left playing are Blonde and Empire. Tami and Celeste "snooze on the Sea of Japan," while "waves of aggression" wash over Lando and Calrissian in Hawaii.
Time for a bikini sequence. Celeste does not know how to play the game. I know this because a Russian dude hits on her, and instead of hitting him up for cash or help moving forward, she shoots him down. She tells him she "[doesn't] want to be responsible for bringing another Russian into the world." Her fake boobs look huge.
After a few bitter hours, Lando and Calrissian make up. In front of the camera, he apologizes. She accepts his hug, looking sad. "I'm passionate about winning. We're an awesome team," he says. Aw.
Still boat-bonding, Celeste takes one of Tami's t-shirts and cuts it into an active-slut-wear halter top. Their camera guy says, "Niiiice." Then, Tami says she "hopes along the way" that Lando and Calrissian had delays similar to the ones the Blondes experienced. Niiiice.
Lando and Calrissian, waiting in the airport. They are still on standby. "We need a miracle." They're worried that they're going to lose their lead. Calrissian says that maybe winning this isn't just about the money, but "a life lesson. Maybe there's more to this than [brightening and smiling] a lot of money and a nice truck." Except that there isn't. There just isn't. Maybe other people on this show learned that they suck. Except for Calrissian. Calrissian is the only person who really tried in all this. Lando is lucky to have had her as a partner. We see a rainbow. Calrissian finds a charter pilot who wants to help out. Calrissian rules.
The Blondes limp along in Japan, woodenly accepting gifts from strangers, accepting another Northwest flight guy's "buddy pass," and make a sign saying "NBC's reality show LOST, we need flyer miles." Celeste sits, holding the sign. I am so not making this up.
Amazingly, people help. If the Blondes raise enough cash and get a direct flight, they could beat Team Empire. Dude, I will be so pissed if they win.
Charter Pilot guy helps out, giving them an NYC charm and letting them sleep in the concrete hangar. Calrissian still thinks they're going to win.
After a night in the Tokyo airport, Tami meets an American "gal who speaks ten languages." This gal panhandles "for" the Blondes. In English. We see the gal talking to, like, fifteen people in English, explaining everything, as the Blondes stand there stiffly. Gal? Shut up.
Lando and Calrissian wait for a plane. For the third day in a row.
Celeste sees a sucker...I mean, "guy," and sells him her watch for $280. They now have enough for tickets to New York.
Are you still awake? I mean, "which team will make it to New York first?" We get a shot of an airplane window, then a very tight shot of the flame in the Statue of Liberty's torch. Then, and plane landing and "ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New York." Calrissian "woos." They take a taxi; then, after negotiating, they buy the very last tickets to the ferry to Liberty Island. For some reason, the camera has a fisheye lens on. Calrissian says she'll die if the first person she sees is Celeste. Lando says it'll all be good, but he'll be hurt if they see another team. But they are first. Woo! Wooo! Empiiiire! They win. We get an "emotional," "inspiring" montage of Lando-and-Calrissian moments. Then, Voice-Over Guy says the Blondes played a "gentler but determined game," and win nothing for being a day late. They get to "celebrate a friendship, and a truckload of memories." And, you know, write annoying letters to me asking me why I'm so mean and what my deal is and all. Oh, the perks of losing. For some reason, the Blondes are wearing more active-slut-wear as they make it to the Statue of Liberty -- Celeste in a bikini and hot pants (very 1999) and Tami in her bikini bottom. They seem happy, though. Good for them. Now go away. And the Pink Team? Have "vastly different takes on what went wrong out there." Yes, denial and refusing to accept responsibility will cloud one's head.
Finally, some mention of what happened on September 11th. "There is a reason why they finished here." "Here" being, of course, the Statue of Liberty. "A symbolism greater now than ever before. Here, after all, is home." What? Is that it? What a fucking cop-out. They didn't even say what the symbolism was! What am I, Kreskin? Oh wait, is it "freedom"? No, "huddled masses," right? Yeah, huddled masses. The end.