After a b-roll of a desert, and a helicopter, and a helicopter's shadow cast onto the desert below, the announcer boomingly begins: "Six strangers, divided into three teams, dropped somewhere onto the planet." Earth, right? I'm okay with the math, but please, be specific about which planet, 'kay? "Now, it's a race to the Statue of Liberty. They try to prepare for the challenge that lies before them blah bling blah, but they can't...." I guess here is where I mention the six people, blindfolded, standing stalwart in front of the loudmouth directors, being fumblingly led around by PAs, trying not to look stupid in this reality show. People? Just give in. The more you try not to look stupid, the more it backfires on you. Just try not to be a dick -- that's all you can do. That's my life credo, pretty much. I'm not trying to mess with anyone; I don't want anyone to mess with me. In The Amazing Race, at least, there's the promise of a million dollars for all the running around. What's the reward here? Hello? We don't get to hear. Bad strategy, NBC. A director hollers at them to remove the bandannas, and the six people (in three teams of two) do, and alternately hoot and holler and declare their trip "the Blonde Ambition tour," provoking Madonna and her crack team of lawyers briefly to consider a lawsuit, then forget it and laugh and laugh at these losers, then finally dissolve into a puzzled wonderment at the barren landscape, asking where they might be. Um, guys? That's what you get to figure out. No one tells you. The thing on top of your neck is supposed to come into play here.
That horrible echo-y "where are you-areyou-areyou?" floats out of a still of a sunset, and we get a not-credits, not-intro montage of what it means to be lost (not knowing where you are, says one person of the six). There's a sunset, a cliff, a quarter moon, a dirt road, stars in the sky, and about fifty million definitions of the word "lost." Jesus. Three minutes in, and may I say that we as an audience get it already? The music kicks in; there's a windmill, a mosque, some pounding drum beats, and more voice-overs. One lady "fears fear." One guy gets more scared the farther along he goes. How can the stakes already be raised when the credits haven't even run yet? Finally, we get a techno beat and some back-talky voice-over. A man says that his idea of a "partner from hell would be someone who whined all the time." Another sexist pig says, "Some women aren't made for it!" For being around you, you mean? Yeah, I'm not made for it. Then we hear a few hundred different ways of saying that each individual wants to win and not lose, and finally, that Lost "is a test of the human spirit." And this recap will be a test of my spirit as a recapper: to make the funniest jokes, to be biased in describing these people's willingness to participate in yet another reality show with many similarities to other reality shows out there, to amass a supply of Jack Daniels to keep me working without delay, and finally, not to barf so much that my stomach aches. That is my test.
Seizure-inducing credits. Maps and other blips finally arriving at the announcement, "Lost!" Indeed.
The echoed question " where are you-areyou-areyou?" echoes again, and we see the three teams of two standing around in the desert basin. They are...guess what? That's right. Unaware of what their present location might be and unsure of how to proceed to their desired destination. You know the word. Say it. Say it! LOST! Yes! Now you're cooking! The announcer declares that this, "Game One," will play out over three episodes. In Ohio, thirty-six hours ago, the contestants were dragged through an airport hangar, and body-searched. This intimidated everybody, the guys more than the girls. Heh. All personal communication items were removed so that they can't cheat with them. First aid kits, water, and "candy and coloring books for bartering" were distributed. Wow, are they going to be dropped off in a summer camp for ages six and under? What do you get in return when your bartering chip is a freaking coloring book? Some Play-Doh? Lincoln Logs? I mean, really. Then, they see a plane, which provokes an "incredible feeling." Maybe they expected to see a ship in the airplane hangar? Or a choo-choo? Shots of Lando, my boyfriend, grooving in his seat to tunes his Walkman provides is the best thing on this show so far. More nattering about the fact that everyone wants to win, and not lose, and to push themselves, and to seek adventure/test themselves/see other cultures blah bling blah reality game show televisioncakes. After eighteen hours on the plane, they deplane, and then replane for another four. Watches are not allowed. Everyone talks smack about Carla (and is it fair for us to have smack talk so early in, when we don't even know everyone's names yet? I thought not), who has to lie on her back for the helicopter ride because she needs back support. One blonde chick is pleased that Carla can't take it, because she can. B-roll of desert. The six people pair off and remove their blindfolds. That fucking echo asks "where are you?" again. Everyone stands around. Congratulations, NBC! You have now outdone MTV's Road Rules in useless repetition.
Bunim: Jonathan, wake up. Are you watching this shit?
Murray: Mmm. Wuh? Why, should I be? I mean, "yes"?
Bunim: [taking hit off joint] Ha ha ha ha ha! They make us look lucid! And smooth! And, you know [coughs], linear.
Murray: Can I have a hit off that? This looks boring. Where's the tears? The teens? The sex?
Bunim: Shut up and rub my feet, you hack.
Okay, the people who make it back to New York win $100,000, and some über-van utility wagon sport blah thing. That's it? The Amazing Race people get a million bucks! Jesus, no wonder everyone is watching that show. Miss Alli, I tip my cap. You have played this one well. Now I shall just lay down my recapper's tools and...oh, shit, I signed a contract. And Wing would have a hit out on me so fast ["I'd just blindfold you, search your body cavities, and throw you on a plane somewhere. Pfft, yeah right." -- Wing Chun]...okay, back to the show. Each pair has a cameraperson with them who is also...guess what? That's right. Kicking him- or herself. No, I mean lost. Lost, all right? Jesus crackers, am I going to have to make the "L" word a key command? Maybe I can make the echo thing one as well. Fuck, they just used the echo thing again. I can't keep up. Okay, , the people dive into their backpacks and see what's there. $10 in cash, a rule book, some personal mementos, and a coupon for a free Big Mac, which will really come in handy out there in the middle of the fucking desert. I mean, there's a Starbucks right over here, but the McDonald's is like, waaaay over there. Tami -- the one with the shortish blonde hair -- turns her coupon over and ruminates about being a baby factory (she's a mother of four), and "finding who [she is]." You're Tami, my dear. Mother of four? You just said so yourself. "Where are you?" echoes out yet again. Celeste -- the porn-star-ish, bulimia-rific, self-described "beauty queen" -- is up . Oh, shit, they only show her head shot! They put the food in her backpack. To assure it won't be touched, most likely. Good strategy.
Lando, my boyfriend, and Calrissian...I mean "Carla," are being supportive of each other...naked. No, Lando is adjusting her...backpack. Calrissian says that feels good for now, but that there's no way can she keep it up for twelve hours. Calrissian, you hussy! Oh -- she means the weight of her backpack. Heh. Shut up, echo. Lando says that he trusts people until they give him a reason not to. My boyfriend is so smart!
Okay, the other two. Joe, a.k.a. Harvey Whinerstein, says in his oddly fey-but-gruff voice that the great thing about being gay is that there's a gay bar everywhere in the world, so all he has to do is "show up, meet [his] people, and start cutting some deals." Well, you just have it all figured out, don't you, my dear? You know what my favorite gay bar is? Fantasyland. Isn't that near where you live? Near Delusion Place, in Youmustbenutsville? You are in the middle of the fucking desert, with a coupon for a Big Mac and a Polaroid of your cute SO. No place to even get a clue. Sorry, Harvey. If playing the gay card is your main strategy...well, it worked for Richard Hatch. And everyone knows that the best part of being gay is the wit. No, it's doubling your wardrobe. No, the wit. Courtland -- Joe's handsome, tattooed partner -- has a big family and does not want to come in second or third. Aww, Courtland. You sound like an apartment building. I once worked with a guy named Castle and I never stopped making fun of him. "What, is your sister named Patio? Do you have a brother, Terrace? Tell me about your cousin Gazebo." Castle only had lunch with me twice. Courtland, want to split a Big Mac with me? Ask your sister Melrose to come with.
Lando and Calrissian head off, and the two blonde chicks (Tami and Celeste) are all like, buh bye. Tami says she won't miss Calrissian. Beez-natch, you just met her! Calrissian looks stung, but keeps going forward. Lando says, "Women are so brutal." Hey, I'm living proof of that. Harvey Whinerstein and Courtland Place are all like, "I think we're in Asia! I think we're in Argentina!" Dude, you are in a dried-out river bed. Get a move on.
Am I supposed to care who the host is? I don't. He booms that Lando and Calrissian are "energized yet exhausted," as if, and that everyone follows them out ten minutes later. Copycats. The backpack is hard to get used to, since it "weighs as much as a ten-year-old." Since when are children used as units by which to measure things? Like, "Damn, I had to move so many boxes this weekend -- about three fifteen-year-olds' worth." Or, "Shit, that's a big box of laundry detergent. Maybe about a five-year-old." Celeste collapses, but Tami, super-breeder, is used to the load. Celeste rests while Tami looks for a tent site. Dude, they just left, like, ten minutes ago. Harvey Whinerstein and Courtland Place break off from the trail of nerds heading north and find tire tracks, and what look like hoof prints. "Buffalo," says Harvey. "Tyrannosaurus," says Courtland. "Idiots," says Alex. The host booms that everyone must rest for six hours a day. Does that include sleep? Can they sleep for twelve hours and then rest for six? If so, sign me up for this. Everyone sets up camp, like, fifty yards from where they started, and goes to bed. Still you-know-what.
Sunrise. No one knows what continent they are on. No one has any more clues. They eat their meals-in-a-bag, pack up, and head out to walk some more. Pant puff puff. Lando and Calrissian see a campground and head over. Calrissian suggests that, if there are people there with info that can help them, they should bribe these purported people into not helping anyone else with this so-called information. Lando doesn't want to play that way. Isn't he great? Isn't my boyfriend great? Calrissian asks whether Lando played sports in school, and isn't he competitive? Yes he did, and he is, but he "doesn't want to push someone off [to] the sidelines just to make that score." Aw. Lando. Calrissian says that this isn't like playing football in Kansas. Oh, but it is. Tami and Celeste -- The Blondes -- see the campground and head toward it, way, waaay behind Lando and Calrissian.
No one is at the campground. Calrissian wipes her brow. The Blondes find a cigarette pack and think they are either in Greece or Turkey. Tami asks Celeste whether she was in a sorority, and that she should read the pack. Then she cackles. Yeah, sororities usually have Greek names, but the girls? Rarely read Greek.
Harvey Whinerstein and Courtland Place head off, way, way, waaay behind everyone else. They say they're going to "time their packing better time." Oh, is that what you call it?
Lando and Calrissian scamper by The Blondes as if they got info from someone. The Blondes nastily sing-song, "I know what country we're in!" No, they don't. Beez-notches. They pick up more trash to try to decipher the language.
A motorcycle buzzes past Harvey and Courtland. They wave frantically, but he doesn't stop. He does stop briefly for Lando and Calrissian, but then buzzes by. Aw! Harvey and Courtland blather on that human contact will be an important step in winning. Yeah. But many people are turned off by outgoing natures, and by Americans in general. Sure. They are disagreeing. Okay.
The Blondes, weakened by the hiking ("four hours old" says the host), stop. They are tired. The motorcycle guy buzzes by them, too, but they're too tired to care. So what's my excuse?
Courtland Place and Harvey have gotten two other motorcycle dudes to stop for them. The dudes? Don't speak English. They point at the mountains around them. Courtland is like, "Water? If we give you, will you give us...?" The people look Mongolian. They take the water bottles and drive off.
The Blondes are all passed out. Celeste says it's a toss-up between "looking like a wimp on camera, or throwing up." Can one throw up from boredom? Watch me. No one knows where they are yet.
The motorcycle dudes come back with water, and the Pink Team of Courtland and Harvey look at their bike for clues. They think they're in Russia. Russia, baby! Woo! Or, not!
Lando and Calrissian -- my favorite team, so I'll call them The Empire -- come up to a pile of rubble and look for clues. Calrissian finds a bottle of Mongolian Vodka. Ding ding ding! Whoop whoop! Good for you. Calrissian explained it all! Yay. Can I stop now? Lando finds a jar full of money and is too spooked to open it. Calrissian decides to call in with the info and she is right! Woo! Woo! BSB forever I love you Carson wooo!
The Blondes, one brain between them, talk with another motorcycle driver and get an inkling on a clue that they may be in Mongolia. The Pink Team still thinks they are in Russia. No, Czechoslovakia. India? No. Czechoslovakia, which is in Russia. They think.
The Blondes call in, all, "Mongolia, baby!" They do the cabbage patch and open a locked compartment in their packs with more cash and passports and stuff. No maps, though.
The Pink Team calls in and is like, Czech Republic, baby! Nope. Sorry.
We see a map of the world, flat-style. The host booms out that Mongolia is in Asia, between Russia and China. It's six thousand miles from NYC if you head east, and over eight thousand miles if you head west through Europe. Either way, it's far.
Lando is struggling over whether to take the money from the jar. He ends up exchanging his American dollars for the Mongolian currency, and says a prayer in gratitude. Calrissian is like, Woo! Carla/Calrissian? Simmah.
The Pink Team is heading to some manmade structure toward which the motorcycle dudes pointed them. Harvey rasps that "all [he] has is [his] spirit, and [he's] trying to keep that alive." Is that so wrooong?
When we come back from the ads, Harvey does a little dancing and mincing inside a theater; he says he's not an athletic guy, and hates camping, and owns "40,000 kinds of moisturizing products." So, he may not be built for this game. But whatever. He's got good skin. Maybe he should be drinking some of the moisturizer to do something about that rasp in his voice. Courtland, passed out on his stomach, is oblivious that Harvey has emptied his pack of many of the goods provided him. Like, a bowl and a blanket and other stuff. Courtland wakes up and sees the big smile on Harvey's face. Ruh roh.
Everyone now has an idea of where they are, minus the Pink Team. Now, they need to get help from the Mongolian people. The Host booms that a third of Mongolians are nomadic herders and farmers. They live in mobile tents called "gers." The Empire goes inside one and makes nice with the Mongolians. Lando dazzles the children with un-blown-up balloons. Oooh, stretchy!
The Blondes find a man with a ger and snag him up fast. Hey, a good man with his own ger? Hard to find. He already has a family and two nice dogs, but whatever. They can be dealt with.
Lando teaches the Mongolian children to dance ("to the left, to the left, to the front, to the front, to the back, to the back"...he forgot to do the dip), while Calrissian haggles with a Mongolian woman (who speaks English! Damn, all other people are smarter and better educated than us Americans. We Americans? Shit.) about transportation to the capital. They need two motorcycles. How long will it take? A day.
The Pink Team is feeling low -- well, specifically Courtland Place is feeling low. He got depressed. Harvey says that between running his mouth and moisturizing, he noticed the change in Courtland. Then we get a million jump cuts of Courtland rubbing his eyes and saying "mmm" and putting his hand in front of his face and saying that this has been hard on him. Aww. Maybe you can call your other sister, Chrysler Building, and talk it out with her.
Lando and Calrissian drive off on a motorcycle. In the night, they are attacked by wild dogs. They get nervous and walk off to camp by themselves, ditching the motorcycle dudes. Calrissian remembers her father's military career to bolster her own strength, but hey, the dogs are still right outside.
The Pink Team is faring a little better, because some people have brought them water. Harvey Whinerstein says, "This. Is. Shocking." You mean "boring." This. Is. BORING.
Day three. Dawn. The teams are all frazzled. Some Mongolian woman comes up to the Pink Team and hands them a bowl of what looks like ice cream. Courtland takes a bite and calls it eggs. Harvey is like, "That's perfect for you!" Dude, it's food, not a sweater. I guess he hands it to the camera guy and warns him that it may not be "sanitized" and that he "saw cow hair." He and Harvey laugh and collapse on each other, all Patsy-and-Edina-ish.
Lando and Calrissian have woken up to find themselves yards from town. Now their English translator is off to find them a ride. Lando promises to give them his watch and cash for a ride to the capital. They're doing well!
The Blonde Team found a water filter. And they're going to give all their gear to a guy with a motorcycle and meet him over by those hills over there. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, they are. No, they really are.
The Pink Team, having eaten and gotten water, still have no idea where they are or where they're headed. Then, they see a town. With a van. Dude!
The Empire are stoked because a ride to the capital will only cost them $13. In a van! They are so stoked. And, totally in the lead.
When we get back from the ads, we learn that the ride is only to the town, not to the capital. Dang. Still, they're winning.
The Blondes are still struggling to find the first town. They're dejected, but oh so pretty. La la la! They are blonde! Now we get a quick montage of Beauty Queen Celeste out in Hollywoodland in the dappled sunlight. She's pretty, but no great beauty. I wonder if she actually won a contest? Miss Sunny D? Miss Park Sausages? Miss Mrs. Butterworths? Hmm. I bet she owns more than one tiara, but an actual title? Doubtful. She blathers on that doing this television show may make her more spiritual or something. Yeah, that's how it works. You do a reality show and your life becomes richer. I think your soul actually grows. Ask Guru Richard Hatch. I think he's, like, God now, or something. She blathers on to Tami that she wants to "prove something to herself" and Tami -- mother of four, bless her -- says, "Get over it." Oh, Tami, I knew you would redeem yourself to me.
Harvey leads the camera guy over to a ger and shows him "goat cheese! Straight from the actual goat! It's the cheese that's in my salad AWL the TIME!" Get over the cheese, dude. They have a ride to town, putting them in second place. They still don't know where they are. But they know from goat cheese.
The Blondes are still in the riverbed, with no water, no town, no clue, no idea that they're being left in the dust by the other teams.
Flashback to training camp a few weeks earlier. All products were provided by a major home supply store. The outward bound-esque trainer guy says that their "gut and intuition" will be the best tools they have. Ha ha ha! My gut feels queasy, and my intuition (along with the poll on the homepage this week) tells me no one cares about this show. Sigh. The Blondes scale a hill and see the first town. Sigh.
The Pink Team drive up and see The Blondes's backpacks. They cackle and pose for photos with the packs, then drive off, not waiting. Courtland kind of wants to wait, but Harvey talks him out of it. Duh, dude! It's a RACE. You are COMPETING. Harvey wants to have a little interview about this, but silences himself for Courtland's sake. Mmm hmm.
Lando and Calrissian, sitting in a town. They are three hundred miles from the capital. And soon, they have a ride in a bumpy van. Dude, they are kicking ass.
The Pink Team arrive in a place, find out they are in Mongolia, and learn that The Empire has already passed them by. They are bummed. And after an eighteen-mile hike, the Blondes are still drawing stick figures and trying to figure out the status of the other teams. Blondes, you are losing, bad. The best part is that the Mongolian woman is walking between two buildings talking to the Blonde and Pink teams, negotiating for rides with both of them. Hee! Way to go, indigenous people. You fool those stupid Americans! The Pink team offer four thousand Mongolian dollars for a ride to the town the Empire has already left. They hop in the van and blow right by the Blondes. The Blondes squeal and try to teach the hovering nearby Mongolian children the meaning of the word "bad." Hee.
time on Lost, a woman kicks a man in the head. Yes, it is disturbing. The whole damn city looks like a leper colony. Harvey says he wants to bring Courtland "to all the gay bars and bill him as a gay porn star."