Opening sequence, which will haunt me until I draw my last breath. Just before my eyes start bleeding, I can still make out Rebekah's pod-person "yeah" when Santagati asks if they're ready to meet the new men.
Last week: "Rebekah used her feminine charms on Jason." We get the life-alteringly annoying line from Rebekah where she says, "The way I was dressed, I was a woman." Also, "Karen and Kurt continued treading water." I would have written, "Karen and Kurt kontinued..." but Gustave takes copyright violation very seriously. "Brent and Sissie tried desperately not to have sex," and then a clip of Sissie saying either "It's hard not to think about it" or "It's hard not to. Think about it!" Either way it's annoying since you know she totally wants to ride the B-Train. "Andrea and Kristian became intimate despite an uncertain future." We see Kristian explaining that he doesn't see himself with Andrea, so I don't know why Andrea (and Santagati in his narration) continue to pretend that their future together is "uncertain" since everybody else is fairly certain there is no future together. We are transported to happier times for Tim 1.0 and Cecile -- happier for Cecile, anyway, who we see being greatly amused by Rebekah's screaming at Tim to confess his feelings. We watch Tim and Cecile snuggle in bed. Then we watch again the best Reality Check segment on this show so far, where Tim reveals in front of everyone that he's not attracted to Cecile, which causes Cecile to curse a blue streak in the bathroom. At Proposal Point, Sissie kept Brent, Andrea kept Kristian, Rebekah kept Jason, and Cecile dumped Tim in favour of a new Tim. Then Stupid Santagati says the couples have another week to get to know each other, so by the show's reckoning, I guess the couples have spent about a month with each other, when in reality it's been only twelve days. Whatever, FOX.
, it sounds like Dave Matthews or Eagle-Eye Cherry or some other acoustic rock troubadour is performing at the Northern Light. Everybody's hanging out at the bar. Small talk between New Tim (formerly Swishy Tim) and Cecile. New Tim -- still wearing that stupid shirt with the giant yo-ho-ho sleeves -- tells Cecile he's into wrestling and football and Cecile says, "I can see you being a wrestler," like, maybe Cecile needs her eyes checked. In an interview, Cecile says that New Tim is nice, but that she is more concerned with letting Old Tim go. Still with the small talk. I think New Tim challenges her to a wrestling match or something, because she says, "I'm not afraid of you!" No -- not yet, anyway. New Tim -- and I have to say, for anyone who ever watched Degrassi Junior High, that New Tim reminds me of Wheels, only more of a pseudo-hipster. Does that make sense? -- blah blahs in an interview that he was Cecile's best option. Back to the Northern Light, where Rebekah and Jason are bagging on everybody to head back to Rebekah's cabin and Cecile clearly doesn't want to be left alone with New Tim. In an interview, Rebekah says that Cecile was really hurt by Old Tim, whom she calls "Timmy" and I guess she's being dismissive or something. She says that Cecile and New Tim are just "having a good time" only it doesn't look like they're having any fun at all, and of course Cecile follows right behind Rebekah and the two couples leave the Northern Light. In an interview, New Tim says that he doesn't think Cecile's ready to tell him what she thinks of him and he's not one to push. "I think she's still detoxing," he says, and that "detoxing" reference really annoyed me, and I'm warning Wing Chun now that the first time someone says "closure," I am out of here and she can get someone else to recap this. ["Who else could I get that would put up with that 'closure' shit? Even Dr. Phil doesn't say that." -- Wing Chun]
Group date with the Men on Ice. They're going "snow-machining," which was Bob's hobby last week and I had no idea what it meant then and it turns out they're going snowmobiling. I'd like to point out that everybody calls it "skidooing," which does incorporate the registered trademark "Ski-Doo," but that "snowmobiling" is a common generic form. Never once in my life have I ever heard anyone talking about going "snow-machining," since a snow machine is a machine that makes snow, for crying out loud.
In an interview, Kristian blah blahs about what a "great match" Brent and Sissie are, which is unfortunately the cue to watch them fawn over each other as they get ready to go "snow-machining." In an interview, Sissie says she's "completely in love" with Brent: "I'm very jealous of me. I'm the kind of girl that I would be jealous of," she says, while nervously laughing and if someone could explain to me WHAT THE HELL SHE IS BABBLING ABOUT I'd appreciate it. A much more sedate and less goo-goo-eyed Brent explains that they're having a great time and that they're both along for the ride, which conflicts greatly with the desperate-to-get-married Sissie, if you ask me. In a totally different interview than the one we just saw, Sissie says she hasn't told Brent that she's in love with him; she's waiting for him to say it first. ["She's 'in love' with him after less than two weeks? Run, Brent, run!" -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Brent says he adores Sissie. Notice the slight difference in expectations in the interviews as Brent says things like "going in the right direction" and "taking things one day at a time," while Sissie's biggest worry is how she'll get all her stuff up to Alaska. Brent might want to check Sissie's cabin for all the Note Totes she has scattered around with "Brent + Sissie 4-Ever!!!" scribbled inside big, puffy hearts. I mean, good god.
As everybody gets off the SNOWMOBILES, Andrea says, "Nice driving, Cecile," and gives her a thumbs-up because...um, well, I guess Cecile was driving too fast, or too slow, or like a madwoman or something, but since we didn't see and don't know, I'd say including the "nice driving, Cecile" comment was kind of pointless, wouldn't you? Karen annoyingly worries how her hair looks and someone should tell her that if she's so worried about her hair, she just shouldn't go snowboarding. Kurt says, "I'm afraid to look at mine," as he checks his reflection in his sunglasses, as if his short little hair ever moves an inch and I seriously hope that if I were ever to cap off a day of snowmobiling by fretting about my hair, someone would kill me right there.
Annoyingly Whimsical Playfulness between Jason and Rebekah as they throw snow at each other. In an interview, Cecile -- who knows all of Rebekah's thoughts because they're totally best friends for life -- says that Rebekah really likes Jason, and that she's overwhelmed by the fact she's kept him here. Hmmm. Seems to me Rebekah DIDN'T GET ANY PLEAS last time, but whatever, Cecile. More annoying play-fighting. In an interview, Rebekah says, "Jason's like me; he has a serious side, but then he's a total goofball." No, I don't remember seeing any wacky "Rebekah is a total goofball" clips yet either. YET MORE wacky play-fighting. In an interview, Jason blah blahs that Rebekah's always trying to fight him in the snow, but she's never going to win, which I guess makes him feel like quite the big man. I guess this is where we're supposed to go "awwww!" because the calculating flirt may be developing Real Feelings and this is supposed to mean so much to us because we care about Rebekah...why, exactly? Oh, right. We don't. And we certainly don't want to watch a five-minute clip of Jason wiping off Rebekah's face after he gives her a snow-wash, which we get anyway.
That night, it's the dinner with the Men on Ice, and we watch Cecile and New Tim hug after she finally shows up late for dinner. Tim voice-overs that the dinner (everyone's there only at tables for two) was his first chance to talk to Cecile one-on-one. He says that he's attracted to Cecile physically, although he's giving off that "it puts the lotion on its skin" vibe. He says something about her voice being a lullaby. I think lullabies don't generally use the word "fuck" very often. In an interview, Cecile says that she liked New Tim at first, and was thrilled that his plea consisted of a Shakespearean sonnet, as if she knew it was Shakespeare without Tim probably telling her back at Proposal Point. At the dinner, Tim is telling Cecile his first impression of her was that she was a lot younger than he is, whatever he means by that. In an interview, Cecile says that Tim tried to "connect" with her by talking about serious things; we see Tim asking Cecile what happened between her and Tim, since he wasn't around and is unclear about what happened. I'm sorry, but I have to say he ought to know better than to quiz dates on past failed relationships, especially one that he knows, at the very least, ended really badly. In an interview, Cecile says she did not want to talk about Old Tim at all. She says it a couple of times, and I notice that she doesn't use Old Tim's name at all; she just says, "my first Man on Ice," and you just know she read some stupid article about not allowing the guy who hurt you the dignity of having a name.
And so begins the diatribe -- the long, interminable lament. It begins with Cecile saying something to the effect that she doesn't want Tim to be shown in a bad light or anything. Then she says, "If I had some time to detox and figure out where I am, I'd probably be better. But I'm not." My god, my god. Okay, if I'm talking to a girl and she starts saying things like "time to detox" and "figure out where I am"? I start screaming on the inside. It gets worse. Cecile explains, "I'm not inhuman. You know, I have emotions. I have feelings. And yeah, my feelings got hurt." She's speaking with that "see how strong I am this man will not repeat NOT hurt me" tone of voice, the one favoured by women on daytime talk shows who have come on Jenny Jones to explain that yeah, her boyfriend has already cheated on her twenty-three times, but she's going to leave him, for real, if he does it again. Poor New Tim quickly tries to put the lid back on Pandora's box: "Can we turn the page?" he asks her, except then he hedges a little, presumably because he thinks that if she does want to talk about it, she'll appreciate his being a sympathetic ear. After some hesitation, Cecile starts in again by saying that Old Tim really hurt her. The time flashes on the screen: 8:15. So you know exactly where this is going.
9:15 PM: "Had it not been in this setting, it would not have been a big deal at all. I probably would have been like, 'who?'" Oh, it's the setting's fault. The other couples are finishing up dinner and leaving.
9:30 PM: "I'm worried that he thinks that I'm just out of my mind, heartbroken." So she's worried that Old Tim knows the truth, then.
10:45 PM: "I don't even want to talk about it anymore." After two and a half hours, New Tim's able to respond, "Then please don't," as gently as he can. Cecile giggles. In an interview, New Tim says he pointed out to her that they went over it, rationalized it, re-rationalized it, and hashed it out. But she's not done yet.
11:45 PM: Tim looking very uncomfortable. Cecile: "I'm just trying to finish it up because I don't have closure and I don't think I ever will." At this point, she's spent as much time talking about Old Tim as she spent with him. New Tim has put up with more than he deserved here. Thank god, looks like Cecile's finally done.
1:15 AM: Grainy surveillance videos from the women's cabins. Kurt tries to snuggle with Karen, who just lies there unmoving. Sissie and Brent sit on a couch, and Sissie takes off her boots. A fully clothed Jason and Rebekah snuggle. And just when you're thinking these are the saddest clips possible for a show with a parental guidance warning, we are subjected to the searing image of Kristian in his tighty whities getting into bed with Andrea, who is waiting for him with the covers pulled up to her neck. Television Without Pity is paying my counseling bills, I guarantee you.
Then we see a few time-lapse shots of Cecile tossing and turning in bed, and I guess we're supposed to feel bad for her because she's not getting any hot action like the other bachelorettes, who get to do things like LIE THERE UNMOVING and TAKE OFF THEIR BOOTS. Commercials.
The day. It's a brisk 6°, the coldest we've seen yet. The competition this time out is wood chopping, which is two useful competitions in a row for this show. Steve blah blahs the whole explanation of the new competitors. The camera pans over the couples while we listen to the Santagati voice-over, and Cecile and Andrea's attention is caught by something off-camera that we never get to see. Hey, Andrea, you know what's really unattractive? The way you stand there with your mouth gaping open.
First new dude: Keith, thirty-eight, boat captain. 6'4", blue eyes. His hobbies are scuba diving, flying, and male pattern baldness. "I believe in soulmates," he says, much to my chagrin. "There's definitely body chemistry that'll transition between two people," whatever that means. Rebekah checks him out.
: Will, twenty-nine, 6'0", blue eyes. He's a teacher; his hobbies are football and reading. He says his ideal woman is independent but can accept being part of a partnership. Cecile checks him out, and voice-overs that Will is a "good-looking guy," and that she was "pleasantly surprised" when she saw he was one of the challengers, and here we go again with FOX basically telling us who's going to wind up dating whom and basically ruining the chance for any suspense during these stupid competitions.
Mike, thirty-eight, park ranger. 5'9", blue eyes; his hobbies are sea kayaking and mountaineering: "My ideal woman is someone who's open-minded and who likes to do things outdoors." Andrea checks him out.
The final new contestant is Brad, forty-three, tennis pro. Brown eyes, 5'10". His hobbies are motorcycling and banjo. Not another tennis-pro/banjo-picker/biker! "My ideal wife would have to be very funny, have a great sense of humour, great smile, and of course she's gotta be hot." Oh, of course. She'll also have to have a thing for cheesy '70s moustaches. Karen checks him out.
Santagati explains that the men will be competing in a contest of "strength and accuracy," and outlines the prizes involved: $2,000 for the guy who wins and $2,000 for the dowry of the woman he picks to date. Each guy has four logs he has to quarter, and for some reason all the wood has to wind up in these wooden crates in order for the chop to count. As the guys get set, the women start in with the "woohoo!"s and the clapping, including Sissie.
Then the chopping begins, and I'd like to point out that never in my life have I ever chopped wood or seen someone else chop wood without using a chopping block to set the logs on, instead of chopping the logs directly on the ground as these guys are doing here.
Chop. Chop. Chop. Woohoo. Chop.
Will breaks his axe-handle, and Steve informs him all serious that he's out of the competition, like we're supposed to believe Bachelorettes has some sort of Wood-Chopping Rule Book with guidelines that cover just such a contingency. "The rest of you keep chopping!" says Santagati, punctuating that with a two-handed finger point, so you know he means it.
Chop. Chop. Chop. Woo. Someone says, "Paul Bunyan." Keith finishes first and holds his axe with both hands over his head. He looks way too serious about it, and someone should tell him he just won a competition chopping four dinky pieces of wood on a FOX reality marriage show, not the heavyweight title.
Santagati instructs Keith to take his pick of the women lined up, as his reward. Andrea's still doing her open-mouthed slack-jawed stare thing. In an interview, she says that Keith seems like a "spot-on guy," and she hoped he'd pick her. But he chooses Rebekah. Heh. And the last-second attempt to create some drama during the selection process falls completely flat. In an interview, Andrea says, "Rebekah's very flirtatious. She's good at it, and she's gorgeous." Then Jason says in an interview that he was surprised Keith picked Rebekah, with maybe his funniest line yet: "I thought he was more of a Sissie kind of guy. He's not a sissy guy, but you know? I thought he would pick Sissie." Heh! Rebekah's dowry is up to $19,000 and we're forced to watch her doing her "oh golly gee whiz, I can't believe he picked lil' ol' me" routine that I'm surprised hasn't caused one of the other bachelorettes to stab her to death yet.
Anyway, now it's time for the women to choose from the remaining men. Cecile picks Will, as does Andrea, while Karen heads for Brad. Sissie -- who, presumably, after she didn't get picked by Keith, suddenly remembered that, oh yeah, she doesn't want to get picked -- also picks Will. Poor Mike! Dissed by Sissie!
Santagati sends off Brad and Karen. Now it's time for Will to choose among Cecile, Andrea, and Sissie, which he might do if he could stop doing this annoying "chugga chugga" motion. "They all want you," says Santagati, and Will -- rapidly getting on my nads -- gives a "can you really blame them?" shrug. He says, "This is tough," and then picks Cecile, who goes "yay!" all excitedly. New Tim says he remembers Will talking about Cecile "on the glacier," so he wasn't surprised when he picked her. New Tim's stalker vibe is growing with every interview.
Now poor Mike is subjected to the indignity of having to choose between two women who rejected him, which might explain why he's not all that enthusiastic as he chooses Andrea over Sissie. Santagati banishes Sissie who, in an interview, says, "I didn't want to go on a date with anybody today. Or ever. It's amazing what negative body language and no eye contact will do," because, oh yeah, she doesn't want to get picked. For the second time, we're treated to the Sissie spin on not getting picked and if you've got this show on tape, as I UNFORTUNATELY DO, you can check and see for yourself that what Sissie calls "negative body language and no eye contact" apparently consists of smiling, clapping, and direct eye contact.
Time for the weekly annoying scene where Santagati sends the women off with their new men and then repeats the ol' blah-blah about the Men on Ice having to "wait and wonder if they've lost you forever."
Commercials. How annoying are alcohol commercials that make a mockery out of the whole "drink responsibly" thing they have to do? Like the guy who slashes his own tires to prevent himself from driving drunk and it's played for laughs? How horrifying is that?
Day 14. 17°. Rebekah and Keith are going "ski jouring," whatever that is. We see them in the car in the backseat and Keith makes some lame joke about eating beluga whale vs. caviar or something. In an interview, Rebekah says they talked a bit, but that she slept for most of the drive, because she only got three or four hours' sleep the night before (though she doesn't say why). In an interview, Keith says it was kind of awkward sitting in the back seat while his date slept.
Turns out "ski jouring" is getting dogs to pull you while you're on skis. We are given the sublime pleasure of watching Rebekah face- and ass-plant many, many times. In an interview, Keith says that Rebekah's really nice and that she's always smiling. In an interview, Rebekah says, "He's a great guy. I don't feel a connection." Poor Keith. So far he's the only man on the show with whom Rebekah hasn't felt a connection. Then she blah blahs that she misses Jason, and also that she can't believe she misses Jason.
Karen and Brad. Photo safari. Brad's wearing this huge furry hat. In an interview, Karen calls a photo safari a "cute idea," and right behind "grown women who speak in baby voices" on my list of Things That Annoy Me is "grown women who are always calling things 'cute.'" Blah blah, Karen says something to the effect that Brad's hat makes him look like something that's been hunted. Apparently it's a fox hat, and we know this because Karen and Brad spend about two hours in interviews talking about the stupid hat, and I can only imagine that it's because nothing interesting happened on this date. We are also shown a series of video stills of the scenery and wildlife, which they'd have us believe are actual photos taken by these two, since they're accompanied by the tried-and-true shutter-click sound effect. In interviews, they each blah blah about how nice the other is. Brad takes pictures of Karen. Karen takes pictures of Brad. I jam my eyes open with toothpicks to keep awake. Finally, this date ends.
Andrea and Mike hit the day spa that we've already seen a million times. This show isn't going to do a whole lot for Alaskan tourism if it can't come up with a measly four new dates each week. As they walk to the spa, Andrea says she thinks it's "amazing" that Mike has never had a massage. That's "amazing" to her? In an interview, Mike says he was "apprehensive" about getting a facial, since he didn't know what was going to happen. I guess maybe he was a little worried it would turn him fruity or something. So, after the facial, they have the massage, which Andrea says she really needed. After the massage, they hit the sauna, in this little "rustic" sauna, as Andrea calls it ("rustic" in this case meaning "run down"). It's 112° in the sauna. Then we have to watch Andrea and Mike jump in the 32° Kenai River afterwards. Again, in interviews, each person says the other is really "nice" and "great" and blah blah blah and I would pay money if somebody really slammed the date in an interview: "Wow, what a weird chick. She's way into herself! And she's got bad breath!" But of course we're not going to see that, since the producers want to pretend there's a chance the bachelorettes might drop their Men on Ice.
Back at the Northern Light, Brent and New Tim are throwing around one of those cool little football things with the little tail that makes it spin which I used to hate because I figured they were for people who couldn't throw a proper spiral with a real football but I have to admit they are fun to throw around. In an interview, New Tim says he wasn't worried about Cecile going on a date with Will, "because she's still detoxing," and I really wish someone would smack New Tim every time he uses the word "detox" or any other kind of nonsense self-help buzzword. New Tim continues by saying that if Cecile's not into him, he doubts she'll be into Will, which is one of the more egotistical (and delusional) things anybody has said yet.
Cut to Cecile and Will on their date, which consists of a surrey ride -- a horse pulling around some kind of covered carriage. Cecile looks like she's having a great time. In interviews, she and Will both say they had a great time and really hit it off. Cecile says they have a lot in common and talked about sports. Will: she's beautiful. Cecile: he's funny. They actually do look like they're having a good time here. It's too bad we already know Cecile's a total drama queen. In an interview, Cecile says she feels more comfortable with Will than she has with anyone else so far, so "a romantic involvement is possible."
Commercials. Barry Bonds and Jason Alexander again. John Doe, this fall on FOX. No, thank you.
That night. We watch Cecile getting ready for dinner. New Tim shows up and comes in and says, "I have news," but we never find out what he means since Cecile just hides in the bathroom and tells him she's getting dressed. In an interview, he says he went by to get her twice and she blew him off; he adds that it's not the first time that's happened to him, and "it probably won't be the last." Such shining optimism! Back to Cecile's cabin, where, for a guy who says he has plenty of experience being blown off, New Tim sure takes a long time to get the hint, as he stands there for about half an hour in her doorway and even after he asks, "Should I just leave now?" and Cecile says "yeah" he STILL DOESN'T LEAVE and keeps trying to talk to her until she finally just yells, "I'll see you at dinner!" and he leaves. In an interview, New Tim says that Cecile obviously thinks he's a nice enough guy, so he's just wondering where things are going.
Foiled in his attempt to get Cecile out of hiding, Tim sits down at the bar with Will and grills him on their date, asking him what he and Cecile did. Will, being friendly enough, says they went on a surrey ride and had a lot of fun. "Am I out or am I in?" says New Tim, causing Will to make this "dude, chill" gesture and say, "I don't know; we didn't discuss that." Will tries to keep it light, but New Tim isn't having any of that. "How did you feel, though?" he asks, and Will says, "I had a good time," and then just nods his head in that "yep, yep, yep" way people do when they have obviously no idea what to say to the weird freak to them. Wing Chun does it to me all the time. New Tim points out that he and Will both picked the same woman. Then Will says, "The best man's gonna win," and he points at himself, which made me laugh, actually. Then he tries to make it clear he's only kidding, since New Tim seems to be taking this so seriously. In an interview, Will says that he's not out to steal anyone's woman, even though that's pretty much exactly what he's supposed to do, but he's right when he says the competitiveness is coming mostly from New Tim. In an interview, New Tim says, "I thought Cecile and I were grooving fairly well." Yeah, you guys looked like you were "grooving" when she bitched about Old Tim for three and a half hours and when she didn't want to be left alone with you and when she blew you off a couple of times. Anyway, New Tim's not sure whether he said or did anything to put her off. We watch Cecile hugging Rebekah from behind while Tim talks to them. Cecile looks like a big leech on Rebekah's back. She voices over that "Tim continues to dig a hole for himself every time he opens his mouth." She says he said something she considered odd: that he wanted to drink out of her shoe. She found New Tim's obviously-meant-to-be-romantic comment odd because she was wearing "open-toed sandals." I find it odd that Tim would make that sort of comment so soon in a relationship. I also find it odd that Cecile's wearing open-toed sandals in Alaska while it's still cold out. Anyway, Cecile says it made her uncomfortable. Then Andrea is telling everyone it's time to eat. Why is it always Andrea who does that?
The parental-discretion warning is flashed on the screen again. New Tim says he noticed that dinner that night wasn't at one big table, but at smaller tables for small groups. He says he was the last person in the "chow line." Was this a buffet? How truly romantic. He says he noticed Jason and Rebekah sitting at a table for four while Cecile was off chatting with Kurt and Karen. Then, when Will sat down with Jason and Rebekah, Cecile went there, too. "Small, little things like that are indicative that she's leaning Will-ward," says Tim, who winds up at the zombie table with Karen, Kurt, and Brad. We see many shots of Cecile at her table laughing and having a great time while Tim stare-stalks her from across the room. Cecile voice-overs: "I think Tim knows he can't compete with Will." Sure, he might know that -- if you told him. You know, being honest? Remember your hissyfit over Old Tim not being honest with you? Remember how you said you would never hurt someone else like that? Remember that? It was two nights ago, Cecile. Ring any bells? "I just felt kind of dissed," says New Tim. I can't see that there's any "kind of" about it.
New Tim decides to ruin everyone else's evening by blabbing non-stop about Cecile. He says that, on the glacier, he was hoping she'd pick him. She "eclipsed everything else," he says, while Karen squeals that New Tim is breaking her heart. Tim: "Blah blah blah blah Cecile blah blah blah." Kurt and Brad just sit there. Brad says he should be happy Tim's her Man on Ice, and Tim says he is happy. He's "fine," he's "good." In an interview, he says, "I'm really kind of confused right now. I don't understand what the problem is. It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
At the lodge, the gang hangs out in the common room, where New Tim moodily sits by himself in a corner and stare-stalks Cecile some more; she is telling Kristian what a good time she had with Will. She mentions talking about sports: "I was like, finally, someone who has as much passion for sports as I do," even though she hasn't mentioned sports once up till now, and even though I can't imagine she's ever had a hard time finding guys who like sports. It's obvious she's just blabbing about the date a lot so it'll seem like she's really into Will and not just creeped out by New Tim's creepy ass. In an interview, New Tim says he feels like he's being played, but "I can charm her in the mean time, or try, or try to set Will up to say something asinine." More asinine than "detox"? Not going to happen. My VCR counter tells me Tim has about twenty-three minutes left on this show.
Commercials.
After dinner, everyone is...roasting marshmallows, I guess. In an interview, Brad says he thinks he's got himself in the middle of something: "Karen and Kurt seem to be getting along really well." Brad figures he'd be wasting his time pleading to Karen, so he figures his top two are Andrea and Rebekah. Wonder who he'll go for? In an interview, Karen says it feels kind of weird that every guy (other than Doug) with whom she's gone on a date has pleaded to Rebekah, but she quickly assumes that it's because Rebekah's so flirtatious and not because Karen's a yawning black hole of boredom or anything. Sitting at the bar (where New Tim is now gloomily looking on at Keith, Kurt, Andrea, and Rebekah), Andrea says something about Keith winning the wood-chopping competition, and Karen points at Rebekah and says, "Come to find out this is your prize?" and I think there was a little more acidity in that ostensibly joking remark by Karen than her subsequent "aw, just kidding" hug with Rebekah would have us believe. In an interview, Rebekah says that she and Karen flirt differently; while Rebekah's all about eye contact and laughing, Karen's more about sweetness and innuendo. Yeah, that and sitting there like a lump. Rebekah says, "I love men," in case we haven't noticed.
Oh, man. Not Andrea analyzing her relationship with Kristian. I'm not strong enough for this. In an interview, Andrea says, "I'm very surprised to find myself feeling the way I feel about Kristian. He's just amazing." Two things here: (a) if he's so amazing, why would you be surprised at your feelings for him? and (b) quit using the word "amazing" to describe everything. We watch them sneak away from the crowd to pretend they're a happy couple for a few moments. In an interview, the Amazing Kristian says he's worried that Andrea feels more strongly about him than he does about her. Two things here: (a) NO SHIT, and (b) then quit boinking her! He then has the balls to say he's "too picky," which I guess means Andrea meets his boink standard but not his girlfriend standard.
Oh, sweet! Finally, it's this week's installment of Reality Check! Santagati is holding the Scrolls of Truth and stresses that the questions are all about honesty. "Last time you did this it was pretty intense, from what I understand," he says, as we look at a shot of Cecile. Actually, last time consisted of Old Tim chewing his lip for about five minutes before he told Cecile what he'd already told everyone else. Santagati says he'll just start them off with one question, and he lays it on the table for everybody to "fight over it," as if. Keith winds up with the scroll, unrolls it, and makes a lame "survey says" joke that nobody laughs at, like NICE TRY KEITH with your tired reference to a game show from the eighteenth century. The question: have you ever proposed to someone or been proposed to; describe what happened. Everyone just kind of looks around, probably thinking about what a lame question that is. Then Karen says she was married; it was a "mistake" and "it just didn't work out." Meanwhile, there are a bunch of stupid shots of everyone's serious faces. Could someone explain to me what the drama is here? Karen was married before and they're treating it like a Major Scandal. Are all these contestants Catholic? In an interview, Karen says she went away with her sister for the weekend, and when she came back her husband was gone; he went to Hawaii with a stripper he'd just met and took all their money, but I don't think she shares any of these details with the group. Ridiculous dramatic music plays. Ridiculously non-dramatic interviews with Cecile and Sissie, who were both surprised to find out that Karen was married. Ridiculous shot of Kurt looking dejected, maybe because he'd said earlier that they'd shared a lot about their pasts but is now forced to admit he doesn't know any of the details of her former marriage.
Since this is so lame (and since, as Karen quite rightly points out, it's not like it's anybody's business if she chooses not to share), I'm moving on to the pathetic attempt to elicit some excitement. I know I crack on Karen a lot, but if the same thing had happened to me, I doubt I'd talk about it much. On the other hand, if I'd ever gone to Hawaii with a stripper, I'd talk about it ALL THE TIME.
question, which may as well be marked "Intended for Kristian" in huge block letters on it. Brad reads: "When was the last time you continued to sleep with someone, even though you realized the relationship could never work out between you?" For some reason, Karen says, "Oh, you suck!" really loudly and she and Andrea (who is sitting in the same chair with her) crack up laughing while Kristian looks pensive and voice-overs that the question was obviously targeted at him and "somewhat" at Andrea. I actually don't think it was targeted at Andrea at all because she doesn't seem to realize things aren't going to work out between them, no matter how many times Kristian tells her exactly that.
For some reason, Kurt is now holding the scroll as he says, "Well, I hate to be the one that is going to sound like a lawyer in the group..." but the rest of what he says is drowned out by Andrea's interview, in which she says that she and Kristian have talked at great length about this; she says that, when the question came up, she and Kristian looked at each other and were like, "There you have it!" and there's her stupid doesn't-mean-anything "there you have it!" line again, which is another of her practically trademarked phrases, which also include "amazing" and "c'mon, guys, it's dinner time." I guess Kurt answered the question, but we never heard what he said -- just Kristian pointing out afterward that Kurt didn't say when was the last time he did that. Kurt's response is that he doesn't "have a diary," as if, which Kristian calls a "great answer" and admits he wishes he'd thought of it as everyone laughs. But now it's time to come clean, as the dramatic music swells again and Kristian says, "What time is it?" which I have to say was a pretty funny response, only nobody in the group laughs. Finally he just admits he's "kind of" in one of those relationships right now. Despite her saying they've discussed this a lot, Andrea looks mildly surprised he said so in front of the group, but she keeps smiling, and Kristian does his weird Kristian smirk thing as the bass clef piano notes keep thundering over the whole scene and everybody looks around. We see Cecile shake her head, while vigorously chewing gum. Cecile says she was surprised. Sissie says she figured Kristian would be "fired on the spot" and says she couldn't be intimate with a guy if she knew it wasn't going anywhere. Yeah, right. As if she wouldn't jump Brent in a second if he asked her to, even if he pulled a Kristian and told her straight out he didn't see them having a long-term relationship.
Having successfully targeted its desired couple, this week's edition of Reality Check comes to an abrupt end. In an interview, Keith says he figures it's "time to make a run for Kristian's girl" and that he felt "chemistry" with her as we watch clips of them talking and playing darts, and Andrea is doing this annoying exaggerated "zip it!" gesture, which is good advice for pretty much everybody on this show. Meanwhile, Andrea glances over at Kristian playing pool all by himself.
Commercials. You know, if you find yourself actually looking forward to the commercial breaks, it's a sign you shouldn't be watching the show.
Proposal Point. In an interview, Andrea says she doesn't think anyone will plead to her, but that if someone does, she'll have something to think about. Uh huh. Seems to me she said roughly the same thing concerning Patrick, and then she dismissed the guy who liked her and wanted to spend time with her in favour of a guy who doesn't appear to like her all that much, certainly doesn't want to spend time with her, but is willing to have sex with her. Kristian says that if Andrea accepted a plea from another guy, "it wouldn't be a surprise." I think they cut the part where he said it would be a relief.
"I'm sensing that I'm on my way out," says New Tim, yet doesn't explain which of the many BLATANT HINTS Cecile has dropped has led him to "sense" that. Will says he'd feel bad if New Tim were booted because of him, but that's just the way it is.
And with all of these insights from people we don't at all care about, we're ready to begin. Santagati outlines how Proposal Point works with the help of his ubiquitous voice-over.
Keith goes first; he's making a plea to Andrea. Rebekah reaction shot, even though we already know she couldn't care less. Andrea's dowry is up to $9,000. Is that a glimmer of hope in Kristian's eye? Oh, man. Keith actually begins his plea by telling the other women what a hard choice it was. Way to hedge your bets, Keith! Andrea's certain to take you now! He blah blahs about "connection." Then he gives her this crappy flower/ice thing and asks her to share the flowers with the other bachelorettes, because it's such a good idea to give a gift to a woman and ask her to share it with other women. Good one, Keith! Requisite Kristian "who farted?" face reaction shot to make it seem like he's concerned.
Mike's up . Remember Mike? Day-spa-with-Andrea guy? If you're getting less screen time than Kurt, you know you're not the most exciting guy in the bunch. He's pleading to Rebekah, whose dowry is up to $21,000. He starts his plea by ripping off Keith's "cover all bases" technique and tells the other bachelorettes "it's been a privilege," whatever that means. He mumbles something about thinking she's really nice, and gives her some flowers. Seriously, more boring than Kurt. Vegas has just set the odds on Rebekah choosing Mike at eight billion to one.
Brad's turn. Shot of Karen smiling. "I'd like to make my plea to Rebekah," he says. Karen's smile fades. Santagati's voice-over says, "Wow, Rebekah, that's $2,000 more added to your personal dowry." Yes, his voice-over actually begins, "Wow, Rebekah." That was actually recorded later and dubbed in. Did the people who put this show together look at the finished episodes and actually think they'd done a good job? Rebekah's dowry is up to $23,000. Brad -- who obviously didn't rehearse his plea -- starts by saying that when he came on the show, he didn't know what to expect. Then something about it being a great experience meeting her and AGAIN with the "and all the other ladies" bullshit. Care to guess why Brad thinks Rebekah should choose him? Is it, "I think you're an incredible woman"? No. Is it, "I adore you"? No. Is it, "I think you deserve all the happiness in the world and I'd do anything to give you that happiness"? No. It's "You would look great on the back of my Harley." I swear to god. "YOU WOULD LOOK GREAT ON THE BACK OF MY HARLEY." Could someone please shove pinhead Brad off the side of the mountain? Would anyone be opposed to that?
Will's up . He chooses to plead to Cecile, whose dowry is now at $15,000. His plea -- which came in the form of a sportscast treating Cecile's suitors as athletes (e.g. Old Tim was "yanked due to a costly error") -- I liked for a few reasons: (a) it was original; (b) it emphasized a common interest between the two of them; and (c) it was wisely directed at Cecile and Cecile alone and he didn't bother with the other women. I disliked his plea for mainly one reason: as far as sportscasts go...well, let's just say Will won't make any ESPN anchors worry about their job security, unless, that is, highlight-show producers don't mind their sportscasters saying "uh" or "um" every second word. When Will describes Jeff trying to reach "second base" and getting "sent packing to the cold showers" (nice triple-mixed metaphor there, by the way), Cecile laughs uproariously as she reminisces about the guy who, you know, sexually assaulted her and everything. Will wraps it up by saying that if New Tim is "removed due to injury," then "it appears Will will be the right choice to close the game out for the men." Cecile genuinely seems to have liked his plea, while New Tim looks like he knows he's toast.
Need another example of what a useless host Santagati is? He says he's going to give the women some time to think about the pleas -- but then immediately starts marching them to the centre to make a decision.
First up, Andrea. She calls Keith "amazing," like, here's a new drinking game for everyone. Oh, and also they made a "connection." But she says because of the "history" she has with Kristian and the "feelings" they've "kind of developed," she's going to stick with him. Uh, Andrea? Two weeks is not a "history." I have more of a history with the girl at the Pita Pit downtown. And Kristian does not have feelings for you. He has told you so. He has told the interviewer so. Most recently, he told the entire group so. If you're enjoying the sex, there's nothing wrong with that, but quit deluding yourself that you and Kristian see this relationship in the same light, especially as Kristian actually looks crestfallen when you keep him.
Rebekah's choice. She's had an "amazing" time with the other guys, but she's picking Jason because of their "connection." Quick, someone please airlift a fucking thesaurus to Alaska right away.
Cecile's turn. She doesn't even soften the blow for Tim with the usual "we had a great time blah blah blah but...." She just starts in: "Tim, I'm going to have to let you go," and then starts expounding on the Many Advantages of Will. She says she was scared by Tim's "drinking out of your shoe" comment. New Tim can't keep himself from laughing at that and says he didn't know he caught her "off-guard" with that: "I guess we drink out of each other's shoes in my circle more frequently than yours." Priceless look of incomprehension on Cecile's face.
Karen or Sissie choosing someone else? Not a chance. "Brent and Kurt, please join your ladies," says Santagati, who is still saying they have another week to get to know each other. I can not figure out any valid reason why they would purposely keep drawing attention to this nonsense. Not one.
Santagati banishes the rejects and congratulates the new couple -- Cecile and Will -- and then the voice-over gives the "another week" comment AGAIN and I'm starting to think they're doing it purposely to get on my nerves. Pathetic Andrea makes doe eyes at Kristian. Because of, you know, their history. And their feelings.
week: all the rejected men return, like Jack and Jeff and Old Tim. If you read anything in the newspaper the following day about an unsolved killing spree in Moose Jaw, please don't turn me in.