There have only been three episodes of this show so far, but you would not believe how little I look forward to (a) watching this show and (b) writing the recap. It's already at the point where I am avoiding getting down to work on the recap with tricks I haven't used since university. Like cleaning up my apartment, and I don't mean the cursory weekly pickup of empty beer bottles and clothes that are on the floor. On Monday, I actually hauled the vacuum cleaner out of the storage room and it hasn't even been a year already yet. My apartment has never been so spotless. Eventually I realize that I have a job to do, so I do it. And when the opening credits come on, my left eye starts to twitch, which is my Pavlovian conditioned reflex to this show.
Then, there's the "Previously on Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska" segment that takes about half an hour to get through. Santagati's voice-over explains, "Brent and Sissie's attraction grew stronger." In an interview, Brent says "somebody pinch me" and I think that should be "somebody kill me" and at any rate they're using this "previously on" segment to sneak in extra footage since hardly any of the footage they show actually was previously on Bachelorettes. "Rebekah continued to cash in on her flirtatious ways, leaving her Men on Ice out in the cold." Sissie. Beret. Moving on. "Cecile's frustration with Tim's shyness reached a boiling point," which it didn't AT ALL and how great is it that this show assumes we're all too stupid to remember what happens from week to week, so it outright makes stuff up while summing up last week's episode in order to appear more interesting. Blah blah clip of Cecile saying that if Tim doesn't make a move "he's outta here," and they completely ignore how happy she was after he did make an effort. "Kristian revealed his doubts about a future with Andrea." Clip of bad-hair Andrea saying, "I'm sorry he doesn't feel anything stronger for me." Blah blah explanation of how Andrea had the option to take Patrick and mercifully we are spared a replay of Patrick's obnoxious belching.
At Proposal Point, Sissie keeps Brent, Cecile keeps Tim, and Karen keeps Kurt; in light of the non-representative selection of clips we've just seen again, the Tim/Cecile pairing makes no sense to anyone seeing the show for the first time because we didn't see Tim actually making an effort. I also find it hilarious that they didn't bother with any clips regarding what happened with Kurt and Karen, but I guess that does actually make sense, since nothing did. Rebekah chooses Jason the snowboarder from her Bachelor Buffet of three idiots. Blah blah about Andrea facing an "emotional decision," as if, but she decides to stick with Kristian. Then Santagati tells us that nonsense to the effect that the couples have another week to find out whether they will live happily ever after, and if there is anything more annoying than Santagati's clichés, it's the fact that FOX thinks its viewing audience believes an actual week has gone by for the Bachelorettes and Men on Ice even though each new episode picks up immediately after the last one ended.
Like this one. Back at the Northern Light we are treated to exactly the same "it's snowing" establishing shot they keep showing us to remind us we're in Alaska despite the fact that it's pretty much springtime there as evidenced by the temperatures and the relatively late sunsets.
Cecile, Tim, Jason, and Rebekah are sitting at the bar and discussing Andrea and Kristian. Jason says, "I don't see what you guys are talking about as far as [sic] that big connection there." In an interview, Rebekah says that everyone thought Andrea was going to pick Patrick: "We love Patrick! He's fun and, like, he's entertaining," and as usual, she is all annoyingly overanimated as she speaks, and I wish they didn't always have to start the show with a Rebekah interview because she sets my teeth on edge and puts me in a bad mood right off the bat. Rebekah goes on to say that Patrick would have been great to bring into the group, and it's only been eight days and Rebekah's speaking about bringing someone "into the group" like this is a cult we're talking about and I think she should at least let Andrea pick whomever she wants on the basis of whichever criteria she chooses, which aren't necessarily going to include whether anyone will be entertained by the guy's antics. Then Rebekah concedes, "I guess there's something going on there, more than she tells us." Yeah. And maybe it's none of your damn business either way.
Back at the Northern Light, Jason is telling Andrea that none of them see her and Kristian hanging out much. Shut up, Jason. You've been there all of...what, one day? And especially shut up in your interview in which you are wearing this annoying eighty-different-shades-of-blue toque that's so tight it looks like a woolen swimmer's cap, and you say, "Maybe that's a real sign that it's more genuine than any of us thought," which is one of the more moronic things said on this show to date. Back at the Northern Light, Jason is still all buttinsky, wondering what the deal is: "I mean, I'm glad to have ya, but we were, like, just kind of, 'Whoa,'" whatever that means, and his "I'm glad to have ya" was annoying, like he thinks he owns this place. Kristian sits down to Andrea and doesn't say anything; he just does his Weird Kristian Smile thing that creeps me out big-time. Andrea says, "I don't know, I mean, yeah, well, there it is, I guess," WHATEVER THAT MEANS and maybe the couples on the show would understand each other better if they started forming actual coherent sentences. In an interview, Andrea says Patrick got along with the group so well that it would have been very easy to run away from any more "emotional involvement" with Kristian. Yeah. Hey, you know what else makes it easy to avoid "emotional involvement" with Kristian? The fact he doesn't want any and TOLD YOU AS MUCH. And Andrea doesn't then explain why she did in fact keep Kristian as we watch shots of Andrea looking pensive and Kristian smirking creepily. I think he thinks the weird smile makes him look enigmatic but it just, in fact, makes me want to punch him.
In an interview, Kristian says again, "Right at this moment, in my gut, I don't see myself with Andrea." Kristian's interviews are looking more and more like videos of hostages pleading for the ransom to be paid. Then he says he's not very proud of himself for not keeping the physical element out of the relationship. It "complicates things," but "being who [he is], it's coming out," which I guess means he's such a super-stud he can't keep himself from grabbing some booty, which he does in the scene -- that grainy clip they've been showing in the teasers every week of Kristian and Andrea in bed together, with him taking off her shirt while he's very obviously positioned to be between her and the camera.
Day 9. 10:30 AM. The group date with the Men on Ice is at some spa. We watch Brent on a treadmill talking to Sissie, who isn't even working out while Brent's muskrat hair flops around on his head. Rebekah and Jason hang out in the sauna, which evoked childhood memories of the family house in Whitehorse, Yukon, which had a sauna in it and we went cross-country skiing every weekend and our house was on the edge of the city so after we were done skiing on the local trails Mom would drive me and my brother and sister home while Dad would ski home through the brush basically to our back door, and then we'd have a sauna and my dad used to get royally pissed off because I was always putting chocolates on the rocks in the sauna to watch them melt. Good times. Anyway, Tim -- fully clothed -- sits in a pool chair to Cecile, who is in a bathing suit. In the Wacky Hijinks portion of the episode, Kurt picks up Karen, but he doesn't throw her in; he just jumps in while holding her, because we all know she'd drown otherwise, since swimming would force her to expend some energy. In an interview, Cecile speculates that Kurt and Karen are working on "the friendship thing," and she doesn't know if there's any sort of "love connection" between them and if there's anything I enjoy about this show it's the way the people in these really pathetic so-called "relationships" see no problem with questioning how well others' equally pathetic so-called "relationships" are going. Tim's a little more blunt in his assessment of Kurt and Karen, saying that they're treading water, since they don't say or do anything, which is certainly backed up by lack of screen time devoted to them thus far. In an interview with Kurt, he snooze-inducingly goes on about how much he and Karen have opened up with each other. Then, hilariously, Karen goes on in an interview about how little they've opened up with each other. It's also one of those interviews where Karen sits and moves not one bit other than her head, making her look like an unsmiling bobblehead. Tim offers a pretty bang-on assessment: "It's like there aren't two people there; it's like two zombies going through the motions of life," he says, cracking himself up in the process, followed up with a had-enough-of-this-shit Karen getting out of the pool to go take up space somewhere else.
That night, it's a romantic dinner for two for each of the couples in the women's cabins. Brent and Sissie eat and talk. So do Karen and Kurt. So do Andrea and Kristian. So do Cecile and Tim, and you're annoyed at the repetition, and then we watch Jason amble on over to Rebekah's cabin. His voice-over explains, "I'm interested in getting to know Rebekah as a person." I think you're supposed to be honest at least in your interviews, there, Jason. He shows up at her door, and she opens it wearing a red top and black pants and Jason tells her she looks good. In an interview, Rebekah says, "The way I was dressed, I was a woman" and I half-expected her to add, "a twenty-seven-year-old woman" but I was also amazed that despite the fact I keep thinking my dislike for Rebekah has reached its absolute peak, she goes and says something annoying like "The way I was dressed, I was a woman" and she harshes on Jason for looking like a "little snowboarder guy" which is exactly what he is, Miss "I'm Real" Rebekah, and she refers to herself as "mature" and says, "You could totally tell the difference between us" which I have pegged at ten years, easy, although I did get email from someone who says she went to school with Rebekah and says she is indeed twenty-seven so I don't know. Mind-numbing small talk as Jason posits that he and Rebekah likely wouldn't be going out in the real world. Rebekah sits on the arm of the couch and her protruding spine looks about ready to split through the skin of her back. In an interview, Rebekah blah blahs that she thinks Jason isn't just playing the game. How boring are these interviews, anyway? In an interview, Cecile says she thinks Rebekah likes Jason because he's fun and has a mind, too, or something.
Then we watch Cecile and Tim decide that since their romantic dinner for two isn't going to lead to any rumpy-bumpy, they're going to barge in on Jason and Rebekah, and Rebekah annoyingly, loudly, says, "Hey, what's up!" and Rebekah voice-overs that they discussed when to do the "first kiss" thing, so I guess Tim and Cecile haven't kissed yet and there's Cecile sitting on the bed explaining that she would never push anybody faster than what he's comfortable with which is a big fat lie since we all saw how she admitted that if Tim hadn't made a move she was going to boot his ass out of there. Of course, she apparently never told Tim that, and in sort of the same manner, she's using this ridiculous discussion to put pressure on Tim, like her statement about not pressuring Tim was obviously for his benefit but she's making like she's speaking hypothetically, which was annoying but not as annoying as Rebekah then saying, "And Tim, what do you think about that?" and Tim lies there on the bed not saying anything and I find it hilarious that both he and Jason are sitting there looking like they'd rather be anywhere else. Rebekah -- getting no response from Tim -- just goes, "Yeahhhh." In an interview, Tim says that he "definitely" feels pressure. Yeah, no kidding. Then we're forced to witness Rebekah getting even more specific, saying, "All in all, do you like her or not? You going to kiss her or what?" and she is practically yelling at the top of her lungs here and Tim is explaining in an interview that he's not sure of his feelings and doesn't want to give the wrong impression.
And can I ask at this point why it is that women (some women, not all, but never men) think that the best way to deal with a guy who's feeling pressure in a relationship is to put more pressure on him? And thank god we don't get that kind of behaviour so much once we're out of school and, one hopes, acting like adults (which excludes the participants on Bachelorettes in Alaska, I suppose) because I can't think of anything more annoying than your potential girlfriend's girl friends putting pressure on you, like this one time when I was in university in Halifax and I met this girl we'll call "Samantha" at a party and she was really cute and was actually the sister of someone I was going to school with and we were hitting it off well but I was also at the time working on another girl who didn't happen to be at the party and so my friend and later roommate Ian basically told me to let him have a go at Samantha since I was supposed to be getting together with this other girl, so I agreed and let him do his best. Unfortunately for Ian, Samantha kept ditching him at the party to keep talking to me, which had him grumbling afterward. But shortly after that, I found out that this other girl wasn't actually interested in me, so I kind of wished I'd talked to Samantha a little more. And a little while after that, a group of us was going to see a midnight showing of Dazed and Confused and I agreed to go but when my friend and later other roommate Nevin came to my dorm room to get me, I'd changed my mind because the Oilers game was on and when I told him I wasn't going he just said, "You have to come," and I didn't feel like arguing so I said okay. And when we got down to the quad where the group was waiting it was a nice surprise to see that Samantha was in town and was coming to the movie too and we spent most of the walk there and afterwards in the pizza place talking and it was really nice and it was much later that I'd found out that the whole point of the group excursion was to get us together, like Samantha was coming in to town and she asked her sister to set something up where she could see me again and thus the group excursion to Dazed and Confused and why Nevin said "You have to come" when I tried to beg off and how when I walked out of my dorm Samantha saw me and said, "There he is!" and actually turned around to be all nonchalant so that I'd have to notice her. And so the day I was disappointed to find out she'd gone home (which was just outside of Halifax) but I got her number from her sister and then of course the Big Question became "Will Danny call her?" since I didn't call right away and this was a small school where pretty much everybody knew everybody's business and so Samantha's sister's friends (who were my friends as well) all took great delight in hounding me to call her. Like, we'd be in the cafeteria and they wanted to point out that Samantha and I could talk on the phone all we wanted since her hometown was close enough that long-distance charges wouldn't apply since this was before long-distance competition opened up and forced phone companies to offer unlimited long-distance packages but my friends bugged me with these really annoying oblique conversations among each other but for my benefit, like, "I just talked to my friend in Vancouver yesterday." "Really, Vancouver? That's a LONG DISTANCE. You know what isn't a LONG-DISTANCE call, though? Where Samantha lives!" and then they'd crack up laughing while I studiously ignored them and I'd like to point out that none of my guy friends tried any of that nonsense. And then Samantha's sister happened to come into the dining hall, and since the women were getting great mileage out of this "long distance" garbage, they all started laughing when they saw her, and she got upset and said, "Are you bugging Danny again? Don't, because if you do he'll never call her!" at which point I had Had Enough so I stood up and said, "I don't care if they bug me, if I want to call her I'll call her and I don't care what anyone says!" and I stomped out of there, much to the great amusement of the table and most of the dining hall but it was okay because I'd already finished eating. And I did call Samantha but it was despite the pressure, not because of it, and in the same vein I'd like everyone to remember Rebekah's little pressure cooker here a little later on in this episode.
How weird is it that I should actually be relieved to switch over to Sissie's cabin but after watching Rebekah in action, I am relieved, as some jaunty acoustic guitar starts up, taking us over to Sissie's place, where we get grainy night-vision camera work, with Brent golly-gee-whizzing that he can't believe Sissie's actually interested in him and Sissie is snuggling while holding a plastic bottle or something, like, what is that about, and she says, "Why wouldn't I be, though?" In an interview, she says she's not really keen on intimacy "in this situation," and I guess she means "on camera," which is probably the most sensible thing I've hear her say yet, and she says she really wants to know someone "wholeheartedly" first and thank god she managed not to refer to Brent as a "hunka burning love" again. More self-doubt from Brent as he says it's been two and a half years (since what he doesn't say, but I guess since he's been divorced or had sex or maybe both), and he assumes that Sissie must think he's an "idiot" for not making a move yet, but of course Sissie, the president of the Brent Beatification Society, says it's "sweet," whereas I think his insecurity is quickly moving from endearing to annoying. In an interview, Brent says this is the first time he's felt the "flame" since his divorce, and it's been a couple of years since he's even been on a date. In an interview, Sissie admits that it's hard not to think about gettin' bizzay with Brent since he's so "physically attractive" and you realize that her earlier claim that she wants to wait was just so much "rationalize whatever he says or does" behaviour from these supposedly empowered bachelorettes. Extremely annoying over-the-covers?-under-the-covers? debating-the-sleeping-arrangements thing between Brent and Sissie. Sissie says, "Do you want to stick one leg out?" and I have no idea what that even means and I hope to god it was not a euphemism. In an interview, Brent says that if sex is going to happen, it has to be the right time, and they both have to agree, and finally someone is expressing -- however implicitly -- reservations about this sex-life-in-front-of-the-cameras nonsense. It looks like they agree to let Brent sleep on top of the covers with Sissie underneath, and they coo something about being on their best behaviour.
Cecile's cabin. The cheesy, smoky sax starts up as we see Tim in Cecile's bed and she asks if she can come in, like, it's your bed, Cecile. Then they kiss for a little bit and then Cecile disappears under the blankets and the general consensus on the boards seems to be she headed south for some Skagway suction, a Haines hummer, a little Fairbanks fellatio. Then we see Cecile stroking Tim's head (the one on his shoulders, you dirty-minded freaks) while he sleeps.
Commercials. Tom Cruise arrests people for crimes they haven't committed yet and I guess this is supposed to be science fiction but I'm betting we're not that far off from that scenario in real life anyway.
Day 11. It looks like it's snowing and I guess it's cold enough for them to start showing the temperature again: 17°. Let's see what the useless competition is this week, shall we? Okay, it's skeet shooting, which is at least something people actually do for fun and in terms of hunting could actually prove itself useful in Alaska so let's have a round of applause for the producers. Santagati explains blah blah that these are the challengers coming to whisk the women away. In an interview, Kristian says it would hurt if Andrea hooked up with someone else even though he's told us a couple of times he doesn't really see himself with her. You can't have it both ways, Kristian, you nimrod. Santagati asks if the women are ready to meet the new men and this is where they got that clip of Rebekah saying "yeah" in that weird excited-but-still-pod-person voice that they've shown us eighty million times already, so I hope they stop showing it now.
The new men are: Terry, thirty-three, fisherman. Blue eyes, 5'9". His hobbies are hunting and photography and he voice-overs thusly about his ideal wife: "I think that's a tough question, 'cause if you look for it I believe you'll never find it" whatever that means and how nice to refer to your ideal wife as an "it" anyway. In an interview, Cecile blah blahs about what a nice guy he seems to be and maybe FOX would like to make it not quite so blindingly obvious who's going to wind up together through their choice of interview clips.
up, Doug, twenty-five (which raised some eyebrows on the boards), state trooper. Blue eyes, 5'9", like how short are the men of Alaska anyway? His hobbies are hunting and hockey. "At this point in my life, commitment sounds good; I've done the dating game" and I am getting tired of these guys on the show who are younger than I am but all eager-beaver wanting to get married whereas I'm still worried that if I got married and settled down, I'd have kids who'd try to hog my PlayStation. And it used to be that my mom was cautioning me against settling down too soon, but there was almost an instantaneous switch to her practically ordering me to start producing some children so she'll have grandkids to spoil, like she'll say, "Are you going to give me any grandchildren anytime soon?" and my normal response is to say something like, "Well, call me back after Debbie -- remember her? -- gets the paternity test results back" and that usually shuts her up but I know that if I don't have kids soon, eventually even accidental out-of-wedlock grandchildren produced from one night stands would be fine with my mom. In an interview, Karen snaps out of her coma long enough to say that Doug looks like Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, maybe if he ate Robert Downey Jr.
up, another Tim. This one has long hair and practically square, blue glasses, and I don't mean the rims are blue; the lenses are. He's thirty, 5'11", blue eyes, and his hobbies are poetry and hiking. In the summer, he's a gold miner, and in the winter, he's an Alaskan senate staffer and I imagine there are some 1898-era crossing-the-Chilkoot superhumanly rugged gold miners spinning in their graves upon hearing this nancy-boy declare himself a summer gold miner. Then, whereas all the other guys' voice-overs had something to do with love, AnotherTim sounds like he's reading from an Alaskan Grade 2 Learn To Read picture book: "I love Alaska. Alaska is my home." Then he can't even form sentences anymore, he just spouts, "The people, the people, great. Brotherhood. Sisterhood. Family" like, what exactly is this idiot babbling about?
up, this older guy comes out and just as you're thinking, "Man, Kris Kristofferson has really let himself go," he introduces himself as Bob, a building materials salesman. He calls himself "forty-four years young" which ought to disqualify him right there. Divorced twice. 6'2", hazel eyes. His hobbies are "snow machining" WHATEVER THAT IS and motorcycles. Blah blah "happiness" blah blah blah "I want to share that."
Santagati rehashes the complicated rules, the dowry, etc., the men get $2,000 for winning, etc. etc. I noticed Sissie's hair's not in her "Swiss Miss" style, and she's got jeans on, so maybe she wants to get picked this time, as opposed to her behaviour in the last episode.
Each dude gets six shots in the skeet-shooting competition. AnotherTim goes first and hits three targets which, to be honest, is three more than I figured he'd hit. Doug, the hunter/state trooper, only manages to hit one, so I don't imagine Alaskan criminals have a whole lot to fear from Doug. Bob goes , and hits four targets. Terry looks dismayed by Bob's prowess while Andrea looks flabbergasted, but you know these reaction shots could have been edited in any time.
Terry, however, under pressure, manages to hit four of the first five targets and then Math Genius Santagati gives him a two-handed finger point and says, "All right, Terry -- you get this, you're our winner." Terry does hit it, and everybody applauds. Santagati instructs him to pick a bachelorette and he goes right to Cecile, who looks very pleased to have been chosen. Her dowry's up to $11,000. Terry voice-overs that he picked Cecile because he liked her smile. She does have a nice smile, I admit. Cecile voice-overs that she was excited because Terry was her "first choice." Anyway, the other bachelorettes fan out to choose their dates, and it looks pretty obvious that Sissie waited until Rebekah chose Bob before she picked Bob as well -- I guess she assumed, based on all the evidence up to this point, that any of the guys would choose Rebekah over her, and Sissie really wuvs Brent after all, so maybe she really doesn't want to get picked. Too bad! Bob chooses Sissie, while Doug and Karen pair up, and Andrea and AnotherTim pair up. Rebekah does this really annoying mock horror thing over being rejected, and Santagati actually says "buh bye" as he banishes her to her cabin. The Santagati voice-over gives us the "wait and wonder if they've lost you forever" nonsense, and then he gives the two-handed finger point combined with the full torso swivel when he sends the new couples off on their dates.
In an interview, Tim giggles about how "comical" it was that Rebekah didn't get picked, since she "wants it" and "teases everybody," while we watch a clip of Rebekah walking alone to her cabin. In an interview, Cecile says it might have been a bit of an "ego blow" for Rebekah who -- up until now -- has been the "centre of attraction" and I guess Cecile knows from ego blows and I'd like to point out to Cecile that at least Rebekah didn't go curse up a storm at someone else's cabin and claim she only picked the guy out of pity. We watch in Rebekah's cabin as she and her insta-best friend Cecile promise to get caught up later and they each say "love you!" as Cecile leaves, which I found extremely annoying. In an interview, Sissie -- barely able to contain her glee -- says, "A good dose of reality never hurt somebody, you know? Never hurt anybody." And again, at least Rebekah is the first one not to pretend all sour grapes that she didn't want to get picked, and Rebekah at least seems to enjoy her time alone and takes the opportunity to do some yagga. In an interview, Rebekah says it's okay that she didn't get picked since it will probably happen to all of them, and she's had her "day of glory," and at least she's somewhat realistic about it, even if her reference to "day of glory" had me rolling my eyes as though her shameless flirting was some sort of accomplishment for her.
Commercials, with -- finally -- a movie I want to see, Men in Black II. And then there's an extremely low-budget commercial for the Garden Claw, and I think it might say something about how few people are watching Bachelorettes if the el-cheapo Garden Claw people can afford advertising time. Then we get that commendable-I-suppose-but-still-creepy anti-tobacco commercial with the wind-up crawling toy babies that kind of freaks me out.
It's time for everybody's favourite part of the show, the...what's that say? "Dates with new men"? Ugh, this is always death. Okay, Andrea and AnotherTim go horseback riding, which Andrea really gets off on since she used to ride and AnotherTim was "state jumping champion" and AnotherTim, getting lamer by the second, agrees that the date was "wonderful" and maybe we should check in with Andrea's "I used to ride" bowlegged ass tomorrow and see how much she's enjoying it then. , we watch them plow into some food at a diner while Andrea voice-overs that AnotherTim is very nice and he's "cute" and AnotherTim voice-overs that Andrea is "an attractive lady," which is a phrase I don't think I've ever used in my life in relation to a woman I actually wanted to sleep with. AnotherTim voice-overs that Andrea has beautiful eyes and thank god he didn't say it to her face or we might have had a repeat of her annoying "the eyes have it" line. In an interview, Andrea says "blah blah blah" and AnotherTim voice-overs, "I have a good feeling that maybe she'd want to hang out some more so that we can continue our dialogue" and I completely believe AnotherTim works in politics at this point and I don't think "continue our dialogue" is a phrase I've ever used in my life in relation to a woman I actually wanted to sleep with.
Back at the Northern Light, the Men on Ice are playing pool some more which, to me, is far preferable to watching Andrea hork back a burger and fries. In an interview, Brent says he's nervous about Sissie going off on a date since he adores her. Awww. No, I mean it!
Bob and Sissie are going hiking in the Kenai National Wildlife Reserve. In an interview, Bob says he thinks he made the right choice picking Sissie since she's gorgeous and he loves her hair, and how much stock you want to put in a hair compliment from a man with a mullet is up to you. Business in front, party in back, Bob! They check out some sort of trail guide sign, and Bob says they're going to climb some "elevation" and Sissie makes a crack about seeing what Bob's "made of" and then she does her scary-scrunched-up-face laugh thing that gave me nightmares all week. In an interview, Sissie calls him "easygoing" and they do seem to have fun together. As they hike, Sissie asks if he has a certain type, and Bob, being no dope, pretty much describes Sissie exactly. But we all know it doesn't matter if both of them acknowledge they'd make a good match, since barring someone stabbing Brent to death, I can guarantee Sissie's not dropping him.
Oh, man. Back at the Northern Light, Kurt and Jason are talking and Jason is wearing his woolen swimmer's cap indoors and Kurt is using the word "connection" in an actual sentence even though there aren't any women around. In an interview, he...ZZZZZZ. Oh, sorry, didn't catch it.
Doug's on a date with Karen, who is easily the least fun person in the group, man or woman. I mean, whenever you see her outside it is painfully obvious she hates being out there. She and Doug are going snowshoeing and yes I have snowshoed too but not to school or anything. In an interview, Karen says the showshoeing was fun since you can walk and talk and get to know someone. I respectfully submit that they couldn't have been walking too fast because snowshoeing can be pretty hard work. We see a clip of Karen checking to see how her French-manicured nails are holding up and then Doug takes off her snowshoes for her so she won't "break a nail" which I'm sure made Doug want to shoot himself (if he weren't such a lousy shot). In an interview, Doug says he doesn't think many of the bachelorettes would "make it" in Alaska, which might be true because of the isolation and the long, dark winters but not because of the snowshoeing -- I mean, Anchorage is a city of a quarter-million people, for crying out loud. When people find out I grew up in the North they always ask me what it was like and if the midnight sun was weird (and I did live for a few years in Inuvik, NT which is up past the Arctic Circle which is where the sun actually doesn't set for a period of time in the summer and conversely doesn't rise for a period of time in the winter) and I can't really explain it since it was what I grew up with and didn't have much to contrast it with so it didn't seem strange at all to me at the time. Although to this day, I am mildly obsessed with daylight hours to the extent that sunrise/sunset times are the first things I check in the newspaper every day. ["Aw. No, I mean it!" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Doug and Karen walk down to some river, which Karen calls "purty." Doug rolls out a caribou skin for Karen to sit on, and she does her extremely annoying baby-voice squeal thing and says, "What happened?" and I swear to god I think she was asking the caribou skin itself and I yelled "SOMEONE KILLED IT AND NOW IT'S DEAD YOU CHILD" and in terms of annoyance-per-actual-second-of-screen-time, Karen beats Rebekah easily. You can tell Doug isn't overly impressed, even as Karen in an interview says that their conversations were really comfortable, and she is always going on about conversations with these guys, but I guess it's not like she actually does anything. In an interview, Doug says he likes to stay within his own age group, and he could tell Karen was older (but that she wouldn't give her age).
Cecile and Terry's date consists of sightseeing around an old Russian fishing village. We watch as Terry explains that the entire village's economy is reliant on fishing. "I like that you know that. That's so cool," says Cecile, whatever that means. In an interview, she gushes about her "guided tour" and how awesome it was and how much more outgoing Terry is than Tim and I would warn her to check her enthusiasm a bit just in case this guy tries to stick his tongue down her throat. We watch the two of them flirt in the snow in a scene right out of some "Alive With Pleasure!" cigarette ad. Then they practise their moose calls and I guess this is supposed to be cute. And then they each just go on in interviews about how much fun they had and Cecile says she'll wait and see how things go before she kicks Tim to the curb.
Back at the Northern Light, the Morons on Ice are still playing pool and Jason is still wearing that stupid toque. In an interview, Tim says (over shots of him reading a book) that he has to have a conversation with Cecile about where he's "at" and he reveals that he's not attracted to her! Gasp! Dum dum dum! He sees her as a "friend," not as a "companion"! Horrors! Maybe the cameraman could zoom in on Tim's face as he drops this bombshell, so that this show becomes even more of a soap opera...there you go.
Commercials. Hey, Jared at Subway? SHUT UP. You too, Mr. Strangely Cynical Subway Spokesman Who's Not Jared.
The Northern Light. Men on Ice are back in play. Cecile comes in wearing this sleeveless fur vest thing, and I don't understand why you would wear this really furry, shaggy vest thing while leaving your arms exposed, but everyone -- well, the women, anyway -- start going "woooo!" at her; I mean, it's just a stupid vest. Tim says, "Back to the Flintstones," so I guess he saw Rebekah's stegosaurus spine again. In an interview, Tim says things with Cecile are moving too fast for him: "The bottom line is I'm not all that attracted to her." More shots of the women feeling up Cecile's vest. The men keep on playing darts, like, don't bother hanging out with your potential wives, there, guys. In an interview, Brent says Tim told him he was a little "leery" of the whole thing and doesn't want to go on. We watch Tim hug Cecile as Rebekah starts cranking up the pressure, saying, "Doesn't she look great?" and Tim says, "She looks wonderful," and Rebekah says, "She's a hottie! Schwing!" like SHUT UP REBEKAH and who even says "schwing!" anymore anyway? In an interview, Rebekah says Tim told her that he's been lying to Cecile. Is there anyone Tim hasn't told? I mean, besides Cecile? Rebekah says she told Tim he needs to tell Cecile, because, after all, who better to give advice about being honest with your partner than "I adore you all!" Rebekah here.
In an interview, Tim says he's willing to have "that conversation" with Cecile but the night before they "screwed around" and now he's dug himself "an even deeper hole."
Exterior shot shows night descending on the Northern Light. 8 PM. Group dinner. In an interview, Bob and his mullet explain that they just found out Brent and Sissie are pretty much "an item," so I guess Sissie didn't say anything about it on their date, and so much for not leading anyone on, eh, Sissie? Bob and his mullet say it was "disconcerting" to find out they don't really have much chance with her.
Now we focus on the new group, as Doug voice-overs that it was weird when everyone got back to the Northern Light because there were all these couples "holding hands and prancing around and having a good time" and then we see...wait a minute, did he just say "prancing around"? At the dinner, we see the four new guys sitting together at one end of the table, and Doug is leading the discussion on how extraneous they all feel, but the whole conversation had to be subtitled because the genius cameraman elected to film this with Cecile in the foreground and she is loudly blathering on about getting some "homemade jelly" (I think) "from a Eskimo [sic]" and the other women are all a-twitter at the mention of a real live Eskimo, I guess, and I forgot that Americans still use the white-man-label "Eskimo" but you'd think if anyone would be careful about treating another culture like a Disneyland exhibit, it'd be Cecile, the only non-white person on this show. Meanwhile, there's Doug -- who, being a young, middle-class American male is a member of pretty much every possible privileged and non-discriminated-against segment of society -- joking about "segregation."
10 PM. "Reality Check." Did anyone else feel annoyed at the way they dropped in this brand-new completely contrived segment and tried to pretend it was part of the show all along? I mean, every episode they repeat the instructions for all the regular segments of the show, but for this we have to put up with Santagati holding up some scrolls or whatever and telling the group that he has some "provocative questions" and he reminds everyone to be honest. "Marriage is a big deal," says the host of a show that is, metaphorically speaking, wiping its ass with all the good and romantic and ideal aspects that marriage can possibly represent. Do we really have to put up with this? Kristian passes out the scrolls. In an interview, Rebekah says Cecile asked her about getting a weird vibe off Tim, and Rebekah says she wasn't sure it was her place to say anything. Terry reads the first question, which asks "the last time you lied to a member of the opposite sex." Wow. What a coincidence that Tim is right this moment in a quandary about lying to Cecile and that happens to be the first question on this week's Reality Check segment! It would be even crazier if Tim had to answer first and -- whoa! That's exactly what happens! Even though someone else is offering to go first, for some unexplained reason, Terry and Andrea ignore that and make Tim go first, like, let's not make this look too much like a set-up, shall we? Then Tim hems and haws for about five hours while everybody, including Cecile, looks uncomfortable.
In an interview, Rebekah says that when Tim started stalling, her "heart dropped." And I swear, the clip of Tim stalling lasted a full five minutes. And he's doing this weird contortion thing with his mouth like he's chewing or something, and it looked kind of like when I had my bottom wisdom teeth pulled which was an ordeal in and of itself that I might have recounted in an overly long digression in a Sports Night recap but I can't remember and anyway until the sockets healed I was always getting food stuck in them and then would have to spend a few minutes after dinner contorting my cheeks in order to suck the food out of my wisdom teeth sockets and anyone who has had their wisdom teeth pulled knows what I'm talking about and that is what Tim looked like he was doing here. And it was made more annoying by this choir that kicks in and the camera zooming in, and just how dramatic and tense did FOX expect this to be when Tim's blabbing to everyone that he's not interested and when they've already shown the clip about fifty million times of Cecile spazzing out in the bathroom? But then we go to a commercial, like this is supposed to be a cliffhanger and we'll definitely stay tuned!
FOX lets us know it's broadcasting American Pie sometime soon. Can anybody think of a movie that would be more pointless to watch after it's been put through the whole edited-for-television process? Note to FOX: I didn't sit through that movie to check out Shannon Elizabeth's acting ability.
10:15 PM. "Reality Check" on the screen again and it's even more annoying the second time. Even more annoying is the fact they they show us exactly the same shots of Tim sucking bits of food out of his wisdom teeth sockets again. Finally, as tinkly piano music starts up, Tim says, "Last night, I definitely lied to you, Cecile, without any unequivocal question," and I hate it when people use big words in an attempt to sound profound or serious when they clearly don't have a clue as to proper usage, since they wind up spouting nonsense like "without any unequivocal question." My god, this scene is interminable. Tim takes about five hours to explain that he considers her a close friend (Cecile won't even look at him), but he's not attracted to her. In an interview, Karen says that Cecile went through her worst nightmare, which is getting rejected in front of everybody. Hey, Karen, thanks for explaining your biggest fear is getting rejected "in front of everybody" to the INTERVIEWER FOR THE TELEVISION SHOW BEING WATCHED BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AND WHICH ENDS WITH YOU IN A WEDDING DRESS WAITING FOR A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
Doug says he looked at all the other new guys and they were all like, "What are we doing here? This is dramaville. Let's get out," which is the smartest thing anybody has said on this show to date.
Now the other women are all "oh no you di-i-n't!" deciding to take a break, and they yank Cecile out of there. In an interview, Rebekah says that Tim was obviously lying to himself and playing with Cecile's feelings, but she says a bigger issue is that Tim did it in front of everybody: "I was pissed off about that" and she emphasizes "pissed off" just to demonstrate how "pissed off" she was, and if there's anyone who should shut up about this, it's Rebekah, who certainly didn't mind pressuring Tim earlier in front of everybody to reveal his feelings and now that he's done EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS PRESSURED TO DO IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY she's "pissed off" about it. SHUT UP, REBEKAH.
Oh, god. Fallout time. In the bathroom, naturally. Cecile is cursing up a storm while still drinking her tea or whatever and she's taken off the shaggy vest and has on some excellent underwear-looking top thing. "What the fuck was that?" she says, bleeped and mouth blurred so as not to offend the lip readers, I guess, who I don't imagine are even watching this show since 90% of the dialogue on this show is voice-over.
Out on the porch, Kristian and Tim bond: "Took guts," says Kristian. Tim thanks Kristian for coming out there with him and Kristian says "no worries" since Tim is obviously now Kristian's hero. And in a ridiculous attempt to make Tim look like even more of a jerk, the camera focuses on the fact that he is SMOKING. Gasp! A smoker, too? What a loser!
Meanwhile, Cecile is still screeching and swearing and saying that the least Tim could have done is told her in private. Okay, that's it. I have just about had it and I cannot believe all the discussion on the boards that agrees with Cecile about this and I have never before been so fully in tune with the "Without Pity" part of this website's name as I am as far as Cecile is concerned. No, Tim, shouldn't have lied about how he felt, but it's not as though Cecile has been 100% honest with him, as evidenced by her telling everybody BUT TIM that if he didn't make an effort, she was ditching him. And as far as whether he should have told her in private or not? Cecile didn't seem to have any problems with Tim being pressured in public; it's only when she's the one embarrassed that privacy is now conveniently an issue. And that's even without pointing out that SHE IS ON A TELEVISION SHOW, for Christ's sake; you can't ignore that as some posters are trying to do, since when you have no problem going on a television show being broadcast into millions of homes across North America wherein you (a) put your entire personal life on display, (b) end the show in a wedding dress hoping some guy you've just met proposes to you, and (c) don't mind screwing around ON CAMERA with a relative stranger, then Cecile, not only is your assertion that you deserve privacy completely laughable, but you also have some fucked-up definition of "privacy" that in no way resembles what "privacy" means to the rest of the world. Based on the way Cecile's behaved, no one's going to convince me she isn't getting exactly what she deserves here. Sure, Tim's a jerk, since he clearly avoided telling her that he wasn't interested in her, since that would have precluded him from getting any action last night. But Cecile? You're not a victim. So shut up with your "I'm fucking floored" and all your whining. Shut up and grow up.
Oh, man. Back at the bar, Tim is blah-blahing that he would have rather done it one-on-one, but...and he trails off, so one of the other morons says "not possible" even though it actually was, and the correct answer is "she wouldn't have gone down on me." Then Tim keeps insisting that it would have been "fake" if he hadn't come clean, like, nice time for honesty to become so important to you.
Back in the Wailing Washroom, Cecile has moved on to the "how could I ever consider him a friend?" portion of her tirade and I agree that it is hard to believe that someone she's known a whole ten days could do something so rotten. Blah blah whine whine more swearing and I notice that Sissie is nowhere to be found in Cecile's little support group in the bathroom. In an interview, Tim makes the understatement of the year: "I knew that I needed to have a talk with her after the whole thing." Then we watch as the two of them leave, with Cecile fast-walking back to her cabin while Tim trails behind her. And in the cabin, Cecile's anger dissolves into tears and blubbering in the bathroom, door closed, because, oh right, she's all about privacy. "I basically got my head handed to me," says Tim in an interview, but if he did, we missed it, because all we hear through the bathroom door is Cecile crying and saying things like, "I don't bring people home that I don't care about, okay?" as she pretends she really loves Tim even though she's been manipulating him the whole time. Also, even when she's crying, she can't stop swearing. "How am I supposed to feel about myself?" she asks, and I hate to tell her that maybe her self-esteem shouldn't be quite so fragile that it can be shattered by some idiot she's known all of a week and a half. She whines that she doesn't ever want to feel the way Tim made her feel as the weeping intensifies. Oh, and also, "It's not fair! I've never done anything to hurt you," she says, which is true if only because she didn't get a chance to. My god, this scene is painful -- not in a feeling-empathy-for-Cecile (which I don't) way, but in an actually-feeling-physical-pain way. The dramatic music reaches a crescendo with some annoying clock-striking-the-hour bell. Commercials, thank god thank god.
Hey, aren't you guys going to finish playing Reality Check?
Night 12. The long walk to Proposal Point. Cecile voice-overs, "Tim totally crushed me." Oh, really? See, I didn't get that when you were whining and carrying on in the bathroom for about twelve hours straight. She blah blahs about being very giving and leaving herself open and getting hurt. In an interview, Tim says that the worst-case scenario would be if Cecile wanted to be "vengeful" and decided to keep him there and it's pretty funny the way Tim can't keep himself from laughing as he discusses the whole melodramatic Cecile situation.
Santagati outlines the rules for making pleas again. Bob's up first; he picks Karen, whose dowry is up to $7,000 since this is the first time after three episodes already that anyone has actually picked Karen, so what does that tell you? And you know the only reasons he picked her are (a) he has no chance with Sissie and (b) Karen has blonde hair. So Bob starts in by saying he's nervous and brought along a friend to help him out; he undoes his jacket and pulls out "Marty Moose," this little stuffed animal, and he starts speaking in this high-pitched voice as Marty speaking on behalf of Bob. Karen giggles and otherwise reacts exactly the way babies do when you jingle car keys in front of them.
AnotherTim is up and says he's going to plead to Cecile, bringing her dowry up to $13,000. Andrea looks nonplussed, but he's clearly doing it since he knows the First Tim is toast. He takes off his jacket, revealing some puffy pirate shirt and annoyingly declaims not Shakespeare's Sonnet XXIX, which I asked for last time, but Sonnet XLVI and tries to make it apply to Cecile and her Two Tims. AnotherTim is from now on known as Swishy Tim.
And the worst batch of pleas yet seen on this show continues with Terry, who ditches making a plea to Cecile (and who can blame him) in favour of making a plea to Sissie. He rambles on that everybody has a person inside who talks to him or her, whatever, and he says he's going to let his inner person speak for him. Oh, and his inner person is named Cletus and Terry puts in these fake, grungy, overbite teeth and launches into this overdone fisherman analogy and says Sissie's got a nibble from Brent and she should reject Terry's plea since he doesn't want to come in between her and Brent. Shut up, Terry. You just gave Sissie $2,000 to reject you, which she would have done for free.
Doug's up. But when Santagati asks him to whom he's pleading, he says he doesn't want to plead to anyone. Rebekah rolls her eyes. You know, Rebekah, you and Cecile and everybody else might want to pay attention; this is what's commonly referred to as "dignity" and "self-respect." Doug explains that he's had a chance to observe everyone -- "who they are, what they are" -- and the producers are always telling them to be honest, so: "Honestly, none of these people did it for me, and I can't choose anyone." Yay, Doug! Santagati thanks him for participating and sends him on his way.
First up, Karen's choice. One of the camera angles points out that Bob is roughly twice her size. She says he seems like a kind man and she wishes they could get to know each other better (this after pointing out that she and Kurt don't really know anything about each other). She neglects to mention that Bob is about twice as old as her ideal man. She chooses Kurt.
Sissie's turn, and I can't see why they even bothered with this one, since Terry was in fact encouraging her to pick Brent, which she does, and Terry and Brent do a manly handshake and everything.
Naturally, Cecile goes last, since this is so dramatic and everything, also evidenced by the annoying music, which starts to swell. Cecile says that Original Tim made it clear he no longer wants to be here. Uh, point of order, Cecile; I think Tim made it clear that he's not interested in your psycho ass. She blah blahs that people shouldn't force themselves to have feelings they don't have, which one could argue is pretty much the premise of this show. She picks Swishy Tim and says she appreciated his poem, as though she wouldn't have chosen him even if his plea consisted of lighting his own farts.
Santagati asks Tim all serious if he has anything to say to Cecile. He mumbles an apology and says he had a good time with her and does a generally good job of trying to appear contrite instead of thrilled to be almost done with this freak show.
The plea-less Andrea and Rebekah choose to stay with Kristian and Jason, respectively. Santagati banishes the other men, then addresses the five couples and says, "There's some new relationships," when there is in fact only one new relationship, and then the voice-over kicks in with the annoying-because-it's- not-at-all-true statement about the couples having another week to get to know each other.
time: Meet the new Tim, same as the old Tim, as Cecile says in an interview that "Tim continues to dig a hole for himself every time he opens his mouth." Someone says something about not trying to steal someone else's woman; Kristian looks like he'd really like to know what a guy has to do to get his ass dumped. More of the same from Sissie and Brent. We're through the looking glass, here, people.