Opening credits. Pod-person Rebekah says "yeah!"
Previously on Bachelorettes: "Andrea continued to spend her nights with Kristian, despite his lack of commitment." Grainy surveillance video of Kristian taking Andrea's shirt off, which we've seen about eight million times, followed up with an interview clip in which Kristian says, "I'm just super-picky." "Meanwhile, a new man, Keith, made a move on her." Interview with Keith in which he says he's going to "make a run for Kristian's girl" and smiles. "Andrea rejected Keith's plea just like she did to Patrick," intones Santagati, displaying his tortured syntax yet again. "Tim and Cecile finally got physical, but then Tim admitted he hadn't been honest about his feelings for her." Tim comes clean in Reality Check. "Cecile got mad..." -- clip of Angry Cecile in bathroom, saying "I was livid" -- "...and then she got even on Proposal Point." Clip of Cecile rejecting Old Tim in favour of New Tim. Okay, explain to me how dumping a guy who doesn't want to be with you constitutes "getting even" with him. "Cecile's new man couldn't cure her obsession with Tim." Shot of wide-eyed Ostensibly Strong Cecile beginning the three-and-a-half-hour Cecile Manifesto against Old Tim that we saw last week and from which I am only just now recovering. "But then came Will, and it was every man for himself." Cecile dumps Tim 2: Footwear Boogaloo. "Now, Will is desperate to win Cecile's heart; Sissie hopes Brent is as ready for marriage as she is; and after going through men like water, Rebekah wonders if she's finally met her match in Jason." Requisite shots of snuggling, flirting, and Jason giving Rebekah a faceful of snow. "Tonight, these five women are one step closer to a walk down the aisle." Suuuure, they are. Notice Santagati says "five women," and yet there was not one clip of what Karen and Kurt were up to last week? Hilarious.
Northern lights at the Northern Light. Stars moving. That same half-moon establishing shot they show us every week. Apparently, it's Rave Night at the lodge, because the establishing shots are set to some Chemical Brothers-esque Lite Techno music. All the couples are hugging or snuggling: Andrea and Kristian, Brent and Sissie, Kurt and Karen -- well, per usual, Karen's just lying there, not moving. Kurt has given up movement as well, but he is talking. Maybe he should hold a mirror up under Karen's nose to see if she's still breathing. Brent and Sissie snuggle. Really lame quick-cut camera work of Andrea and Kristian getting it on in an attempt to make this the Red Mukluk Diaries. Andrea voice-overs: "The intimacy that Kristian and I have experienced is not normal to me." I think she's referring to the relative speed at which she's completely given herself over to him, but there's a lot of discussion on the boards debating whether she's referring to a specific sexual act that she'd never tried before. The popular choice is that Kristian is Andrea's first back-door man and that's all I really can say about that without throwing up all over the computer. In an interview, Kristian says, "I'm really enjoying the attraction and connection with Andrea," which is of course code for "enjoying the rumpy-bumpy," as are his references to being a "physical person" who enjoys the "physicality of relationships." In an interview, Andrea says, "I have done things I vowed I would never do, as far as the physical intimacy is concerned," which is the comment that sparked all the discussion on the boards, but I'm hoping she just means she wasn't planning on having sex on camera. I'd really rather not think it means anything else, as it brings up some highly disturbing mental images, including one in which a naked Kristian yells, "Who's your daddy?" and Andrea moans, "There you have it! There! You! Have! It!" Then Andrea says, "The worst part is my parents thinking that I'm disrespecting myself." I know there's no way I'd ever go on a show like this, but if I ever had to, I know without a doubt I couldn't do it if my parents were still alive. My parents, my brother and sister, all my friends, current and former girlfriends, my teachers all the way from kindergarten through to high school (I think my university professors could handle it), my co-workers, my landlord, anyone who lives on my floor, the girl at the Pita Pit, the guys in my regular section at the Civic Centre during Warriors games, Father Dave, Nigella Lawson, and the guy who delivers my newspaper. All of these people would have to be dead before I'd even consider going on a show like this.
Cecile's cabin. She cuddles with Will. "There's definitely an attraction," says Cecile in an interview, who then explains that they cuddle and then explains what cuddling is, for crying out loud. Will's interview: "I think she's pretty hot. She's got a nice body, really cute, pretty face. I mean, I definitely like her a lot." Blah blah blah blah.
Now it's Rebekah and Jason's turn to snuggle. Jason gives basically the same interview Will just did, saying that Rebekah is definitely "hot" and that they're "forming this really incredible relationship" and I think he means "incredible" in its literal "cannot be believed" sense. Rebekah: "I do find Jason attractive. I like him on all levels." My god. They're not turning into Brent and Sissie, are they?
Speaking of which, here's the happy couple now. Sissie drops a couple of notches on the ol' Independent Woman scale with this comment: "I want to do everything I can to make my life work around his, you know?" No, Sissie. We don't. Although Brent seems to be edging a lot closer to the permanent commitment thing. "There are six stages of love," he says, and I've heard of the stages of grief but not of love, although when it comes to Brent and Sissie I think it's the same thing. Brent says he and Sissie almost reached the "extreme" stage, which doesn't involve bungee-jumping out of airplanes or anything, but spending the rest of their lives together. Someone should tell Brent that while he thinks they've "almost" reached that stage, Sissie sprinted to that stage on the first episode and is pretty much screaming at him to hurry his ass up, which, coincidentally turns out to be not unlike the tone of several emails I got concerning my late recap last time, and I now regret mentioning in an earlier recap that I procrastinate by cleaning my apartment, since a couple of emails told me to stop cleaning my damn apartment already.
Day 17. The group date takes the gang back to civilization, of a sorts, to the Alaska Sealife Center in Seward. Jason carries Rebekah into the centre on his back and jokes, "This backpack is so heavy!" as though Rebekah weighs more than about fifty pounds. It looks like a pretty cool place to visit, though; there's a giant aquarium where Cecile is leading this huge sea lion thing in circles by waving a red cloth around. As she and Will take in the display, Cecile in an interview says she "gave [Will] a little background" on what happened between her and "Timmy," and since Will is still around it couldn't have been as soul-sucking as when she gave New Tim "a little background." In an interview, Will says, "I think she likes me; it just sounds like she's had some, a little 'drama,' as everyone puts it, with other relationships so far." I think "a little drama" is putting it mildly, actually. Rebekah, of course, has to offer her analysis, which boils down to Cecile having a little "drama" with Old Tim, but Will's a good guy, or some such; by this point I'm having trouble paying attention since the constant harping on Tim hurting Cecile is really getting tedious so I kind of conked out for a minute.
Montage of clips of the happy couples kissing, holding hands, poking at helpless sea creatures, etc. Looks like there's finally smooth sailing ahead for these couples. OR IS THERE?
Shots of the sun setting over Alaskan scenery take us back to the Northern Light. It's 6 PM. As the couples walk up to the Lodge, Santagati's waiting for them "Whenever you see me, you know something's up," he says. Yeah, he's always making mischief! We get black-and-white shots of the men already rejected. "The fifteen men who passed through this game are back, and they've returned for a second chance at the road to marriage. It could be the second chance some of you have been waiting for as well."
In an interview, Andrea says all of the girls were at a loss. And since this is obviously from the same interview used on the first episode of the show, where Andrea gloated about making Kristian take his glasses off, I'd like to point out how annoying the clip selection is, since clips are clearly taken from many different times but are often presented as though the interviews were done soon after the events in question, when many of them were obviously done well after the dust settled from this stupid show. It's been like this since the series began, but it just seemed particularly blatant this episode. Andrea says she was a little overwhelmed.
Commercials. You know, if that girl in the Montero Sport commercial where everyone sings along to that great T. Rex song "20th Century Boy" were a contestant on Bachelorettes? I'd go on it in a second and I wouldn't care if my parents were dead or not. She's cute and she has a cool dog.
Here's another example of just how little the show's producers think of its audience and their own product. A moment ago, as the vehicles pulled up to the lodge, the time readout said 6 PM. Now, as the couples enter the lodge, the time reads 5:30 PM. I always knew Bachelorettes was easily the longest hour on television; now time is actually moving backward.
Everybody hugs and shakes hands with the old rejects. In an absolutely hilarious clip, we see New Tim explaining (and demonstrating) to Will how to drink champagne from a shoe. Cecile voices over that it was a shock to walk in and see all the rejects there. "I'm sure Timmy wasn't completely comfortable, I think, he was sort of avoiding the conversation." Or maybe he didn't have three and a half hours to listen to you bawl, Cecile. In an interview, Tim admits he was "running scared" and said he still hadn't sorted everything out concerning Cecile. "I couldn't actually meet someone that I liked and wanted to pursue a relationship with on TV, without being chastised by my family," he says. Oh, good thing he didn't sign up for a television show wherein he'd have to pursue a relationship with someone, then. Besides, I don't buy this for a second; I think he's just trying to make himself look better now that he's back. Rebekah certainly seems to have fallen for it, though, saying in an interview she was surprised to find out that Tim used Reality Check night to "appease his family." Yeah. Either way, he still lied. Let's say he's telling the truth now; it still doesn't make sense. He tells everyone he's not attracted to Cecile, then he fools around with her, and embarrassing her in front of everybody is going to appease his family? Uh uh. Not buying it. Nah. I don't buy the new and improved Old Tim at all.
Patrick, talking to Rebekah and -- oh, look who's hanging out with Rebekah! -- Cecile, says, "What have you guys been doing?" Rebekah says, "Just having sex," which Patrick thinks is "sweet!"
In an interview, Rebekah says the reunion was really tough for her because she had to reject "seven or eight" of the men there. We get the roll call of Rebekah Rejects, and it was actually six. But she can't have them dislike her or anything, so we see her checking with Jim to make sure he has no hard feelings, which he of course says he doesn't. In an interview, Troy -- who still hasn't taken off his baseball hat -- speculates that Rebekah loves attention and flitting from guy to guy. You think? He doesn't seem to mind, though, if the clip of him hugging Rebekah is any indication.
Whoop! Santagati's there! We know what that means! Something must be "up"! He tells the gang that they're going to have a traditional native Alaskan dinner, and they have one hour to get ready.
So we go over to Cecile's cabin, where she, Rebekah and Andrea are getting dressed. Cecile pats Andrea on the ass and says, "Look how hot your butt looks in that!" Then Andrea is offering the kind of sartorial advice that only women give, to wit: "If you're feeling sexy wear that, if you're feeling saucy wear this" and I was greatly entertained by imagining me and my friends trying to decide which tie to wear and saying things like, "If you're feeling sexy wear that tie, if you're feeling saucy wear this one." Meanwhile, Rebekah is doing...jumping jacks, or something...on the bed, and telling Cecile, "I'd do you in it, girlfriend!" and Cecile says "I bet you would" and Rebekah says, "I'd switch-hit for you!" and normally I would be in favour of this, but since this is network television I can't really see the point.
Back at the Northern Light, someone -- Jason, I think -- says, "Is this Brent's bachelor party?" and everyone cracks up laughing, and I thought it was pretty funny, too. The men are lined up at two long tables. Jason then leads a toast to Brent's final night of freedom.
Santagati shows up and tells the returning men that they're there because, the day, each woman will choose another Man on Ice to keep in addition to her current Man. "What you say and do will determine whether you get your final shot at love and marriage," he says. The women walk in past the men, enduring various comments and catcalls as they make their way to the head table.
In an interview, Rebekah says, "I felt like I was on display." Hmmm. Rebekah, I don't understand. Could you offer an analogy to explain what you mean by feeling like you were "on display"? "I mean, you felt like you were a doll on display or something." Ohhhh, okay.
Santagati says they've been getting the "full Alaskan experience," which is of course a total load, but he continues by saying that tonight they're going to have a traditional Alaskan meal. With that, the women lift the lids on their covered dishes to find fish head soup. "Is this a contest?" asks Karen, as we watch the non-enthusiastic response of the women and hear the men laughing in the background. There's also the unfortunately named squaw candy, and the word "squaw" reminds me of going hiking in Canmore a couple of years ago and the hill we scrambled up is called "Ha Ling Peak," named for the Chinese man who was the first to ascend it. It had been called "Chinaman's Peak" until a Chinese businessman visiting the area complained, and it was renamed. Funny how they renamed that one but left unchanged a peak across the highway, which is called "Squaw's Tit." Anyway, the candy looks like dried salmon, and it's served with dried seaweed. Also, there are moose strips and herring eggs. I've had moose; it's actually really good. Of course, it's not going to look all that appetizing when it's a brown log sitting on a plate. up, smoked salmon, which is actually delicious. Moose stew's up , which sounds fine to me. Eskimo ice cream, which is apparently made of whale blubber and berries. You know, I can see someone being a little squeamish over the fish head soup, what with the eyeballs and brains and stuff, but the rest of it really doesn't seem so awful, yet the bachelorettes are all reacting like they're eating monkey brains like in that Indiana Jones movie. Seriously, complain about the food and then go back to California and eat your sushi and caviar, and then complain about your nasty Alaskan meal of dried seaweed and herring eggs. "Dinner was, um, an awful experience," says Karen in an interview. Shots of Karen choking back the food, while Andrea and Rebekah's solution appears to be to put lots of pepper in the soup. MORE shots of Karen wincing as she eats the soup, and we hear some guy saying, "We got an eyeball, we got an eyeball" and in an interview, Terry gleefully describes watching Karen's discomfort during dinner. She says she was trying to be a "good sport," but hated hearing all the comments from the guys: "And feeling as though I was being mocked was a miserable experience." Well, Karen, try pointing your browser to www.televisionwithoutpity.com. We'll take care of you. In an interview, Kurt gets all "I'm gonna staaaand! Bah! Mah! Woman naaoooowww..." says, "She had to hear the peanut gallery's comments over and over again and it looked like she was kind of upset about that." We see Kurt looking awfully short to Brent. All by himself in the interview, though, he manages to make himself sound all tough and makes it seem like he was about ready to bust some heads. News to Kurt: Karen's a grown woman and she ought to be able to take care of herself. I can't even imagine dating a woman who wouldn't give as good as she got in such a situation.
Then, Andrea starts coughing, having eaten a bone. She gets up to hide out in the kitchen, as someone calls after her, in a child's voice, "I don't wanna eat it!" Many clips of Kristian looking extremely unconcerned, but I don't think that means anything. You have to figure he's seen her choke on many a bone. When she returns, she gets a round of applause. Bob asks her if she needs mouth-to-mouth or anything. She jokes with him for a moment but you can tell she's a little annoyed and we quickly learn why, as she talks to Sissie: "You know Brent would have been there in a minute," she says. Sissie nods. Andrea points Kristian's way. "He didn't even move," she says. Hey, Andrea, do you think it's possible Kristian doesn't really care all that much about you? Do you think that's a possibility? "He didn't move. That says a lot," she says. Andrea, KRISTIAN has said a lot. In actual words! To anyone who'll listen! In an interview, a rather unrepentant Kristian says he was concerned about Andrea but didn't feel he had to jump up since there were lots of people around. The ever-thoughtful Patrick scoots up to the table and cuts Andrea's food into smaller pieces for her, which I'm sure she appreciated. Meanwhile, Karen stares at Patrick's ass.
At one end of the table, noted privacy advocates Cecile and Rebekah gab about how cool it is that all the guys are looking at them, at least until Rebekah points out that Cecile's old buddy New Tim has been watching them all through dinner. And, sure enough, we're treated to several shots of New Tim staring at them. "I think he's still bitter," says Cecile in an interview, and she adds that New Tim started making fun of Will, asking him if he was going to do another sportscast (since that was the format Will used for his plea to Cecile). Since New Tim opened the door, Will lets fly with, "Hey, Tim, how's the view from the bench?" drawing big laughs. New Tim sits there trying to appear stoic, except you know he's searching for a witty rejoinder -- one that will make feel like the hero of a Russian novel and cause Cecile to ditch Will and drop to her knees in front of New Tim. However, he stammers out, "I'm sure you, I'm sure you can think beyond one-liners, can't you?" Good one, Tim. I liked how you used one line to slam Will's one-liners. I didn't think Alaska had any tumbleweeds, but there go a couple as absolutely no one laughs at New Tim's comeback. Meanwhile, some extremely bad editing -- even for this crap show -- keeps moving Thaddeus from New Tim's right to his left and back again. I might not have even noticed were it not for Thaddeus's Charlie Brown head and what he's wearing. I tend not to get a whole lot into detail in my recaps about what people are wearing, unless attention is called to it, because I tend not to notice. If I notice what you are wearing, it means either (a) there is cleavage involved (see also: nipples); or (b) you are wearing something really strange. Thaddeus -- obviously, I hope -- falls into category (b). He's wearing some sort of chain mail vest, I kid you not. Then Tim -- acting way too tough for a guy with blue glasses and a ponytail -- says, "Ah, I gotta teach this guy some class." That's one line, you know, Tim.
Then, the two Tims are outside so that Old Tim can have a cigarette and New Tim can chortle about how much fun it was to watch the women eat. "Go back to California, take your makeup with ya," he says, which is hilarious, if only because you know Tim probably only recently moved to Alaska but wants to pretend he's a Rugged Alaskan Man. But line up all twenty of the men on tonight's episode in order of how tough they are, I'm guessing New Tim's dead last. I bet even Karen could kick his ass.
Commercials. Please tell me you're kidding; another Halloween movie? What kind of incriminating photos of Jamie Lee Curtis could the producers have? And can someone explain to me why anyone would enter this 7-Up contest where you get to film a commercial, with "a live appearance by The 7-Up Guy"? Is this something people want? Did anybody watch that commercial and say, "No way! The 7-Up Guy? At my party? That would kick ass!" I mean, is it me?
9 PM. Reality Check, but with a twist. The Men on Ice are asked to leave so that the rejects can sort out "unresolved feelings." You know, it's about time they shook up Reality Check a bit. They'd been doing it the old way for so long it was starting to get stale.
In an interview, Kurt says he didn't want to leave because he'd developed feelings for Karen and he wanted to see what was happening. Dude, she's an adult. Just relax. Besides, out of all the guys in that room, only one of them made a plea to Karen. That was Bob, and that was basically because he didn't have a chance with Sissie, so he picked the only other blonde.
Let's round up the pathetic statements from these already rejected guys:
Bob: Sissie was the young lady that I got the opportunity to go on a date with; I guess I kinda fell in love with her right off the bat and kinda was hoping to make a connection there but she'd already pretty much picked out her man.
Troy: Rebekah I got to know the best, obviously, because we had our date together. Rebekah's 100% sweetheart.
Michael: If I had a chance to get back in the mix, I'd try to focus more on spending time with Cecile. She's got kind of a feisty, spunky attitude, and that might have turned some guys away from her, but I'm really diggin' on it.
Poor Michael. He had such potential.
Terry reads from the Santagati Scroll. It says, "Gentlemen, please ask one question to the Women of your choice." Uh, couldn't Santagati have just told them to do that? Did they really need the scroll? My head hurts.
Jack goes first and asks if the women would move to Alaska if their men asked them to. In a surprise move, Sissie -- who I'm sure has already started sending out résumés in Alaska -- says yes. ["Baby machines need résumés?" -- Wing Chun] Andrea also says yes. In fact, we know Andrea would move to Alaska even if Kristian expressly told her not to come. Karen says that if she met the right guy and had plenty of time to get to know him, she would. Jack gets specific and asks her if she'd move if Kurt asked her too. Karen -- who I think I like a little more than I used to -- says she'd need to know Kurt a lot better first. In an interview, Dorky Earmuffs says that when he and Karen went on a date, she told him she wouldn't marry someone in Alaska, and would not move there. Okay, I'm not claiming to be an expert when it comes to women or anything. Whenever I think I've figured out the rules, women change the rules. That's fine; keeps us on our toes. And my relationships have always been like trying to do a Rubik's Cube; I know most of the tricks and moves and can get most of it done, but I can't quite get that last side. Sure, I could peel off the stickers and rearrange them, but that would mean...well, at this point the analogy breaks down. But here's something I do know, Dorky. When a woman makes a broad, general, negative statement about relationships (your relationship with her or relationships in general), she wants to avoid hurting your feelings. And you can figure out what she really means by adding "with you" or "for you." Example, Dorky. Karen tells you, "I wouldn't move to Alaska." She's trying to be polite. What she really means is, "I wouldn't move to Alaska for you." See how that works? Try some more; she tells you, "I just don't think I should be in a relationship right now." Translation: "I just don't think I should be in a relationship with you." You might call it dishonest, but I think it's done out of kindness. Dorky, we men do the same thing -- those of us who don't just stop calling, anyway.
SPARE ME, please, from Rebekah's insincere smile and casual "I'd move anywhere for love, bottom line." Terry calls her on it, saying she'd already said she won't come up to Alaska. "No, I never said that!" she says. Terry says he's heard repeatedly that some of the women have said they wouldn't move to Alaska. Rebekah denies again that she said that, but hedges a little and says if you've got the "right gear" -- like "handwarmers, footwarmers" -- it'd be fine. And she laughs, making a joke of it. And some of the men -- like Jack, of whom Rebekah once said, "He isn't even an option. He isn't even a conversation" -- completely falls for it and laughs right along. And I'd like to take a moment to quote from an email from a friend -- a high school buddy of mine whose band just played some gigs in Alaska: "FYI it is true that there are way more guys here than gals. it sucks. even the fat ugly chics get a lot of attention here. it's wierd cause some unattractive girl will have 3 or 4 guys trying to get her to dance. it makes me want to barf." Please note, I don't endorse my friend's use of the word "chics" to describe women. The word is "chicks." Rebekah: "I'd go anywhere for love, do almost anything for love. Real love, true love, pure love, yeah. Absolutely." She's got her "I'm totally serious" face on, which is reserved for such statements as "I'm real" and I've never felt sorrier for Rebekah. She's talking about true love and claiming she'd do anything for it, but there is no emotion in her face. Her eyes are dead.
Man, could New Tim ask a dumber, more pointless question? He asks the women to describe their ideal engagement or wedding ring, in terms of size and type. The only explanation that might make any sense is that he was hoping to make them look like gold diggers or something, but it was a fairly easy question to sidestep. "Not an issue," says Cecile, which New Tim doesn't quite believe, so she gets her back up a little bit. "If I was [sic] in love with someone, why would it matter?" she says. It is a stupid question, but Cecile's being a little more hostile than it warrants because it's coming from New Tim, who really didn't do anything to Cecile other than weird her out with his harmless (albeit stupid) shoe-drinking comment. And despite New Tim finally accepting her answer, she continues repeating that it doesn't matter, in kind of a protesting-too-much way. Andrea also chimes in with her "it doesn't matter" nonsense, and when New Tim asks her if she really doesn't have a preference, Sissie pipes up to say, "I do! Platinum, emerald cut." This inspires Andrea to start applauding, which I think indicates how honest she herself was with her answer. Although I suppose it could be true that she doesn't require a certain kind of ring; she doesn't even require that her husband loves her. Several of the men applaud Sissie's candour, and she admits that she's "thought about it." I believe that Sissie has fantasized about her wedding every day of her life. I really do.
Someone asks whether the women would have picked the same Men on Ice in a social setting. Guess what Sissie's answer is. No, really, guess! "I would have still picked Tim," says Cecile. "Which Tim, that Tim?" says Rebekah, as she points to Old Tim, and they both go, "Timmy!" which I now realize isn't meant to be dismissive but was actually a South Park reference. Anyone confused by how smiley and friendly Cecile and Rebekah are being to Old Tim? Confused that she says she'd pick Old Tim again? I hope I'm not the only one completely confused. I hope I'm not the only one who wanted to grab Cecile and ask her if she's losing her mind. Did we skip an episode? Doesn't she hate his guts? Doesn't Rebekah hate him too for hurting Cecile? Yet here the two of them are, being all friendly, yelling "Timmy!" like they're really tight with the guy, who just sits there, motionless. New Tim, though -- who doesn't know when the fuck to quit -- says, "Did he ask to drink out of your shoe?" which is quickly slammed by Cecile: "No, he's not psycho!" Ouch. That's gotta hurt. Everyone explodes into laughter, as New Tim says, "Well-read we are, Cecile." Another fine comeback from New Tim. I don't think anything could possibly be more cutting to a marriage reality show contestant than to be told she's not well-read. I imagine Cecile will be off the bathroom for another three-hour crying-and-swearing jag after that well-timed barb, Tim!
Troy asks the women some dumb question about what kind of dumb Alaskan date the women would take the men on, giving Rebekah the chance to be her regular annoying fake "real" self, as she explains they'd eat moose that she herself hunted by a fire made with wood that she herself "caught," and everyone busts on her for the "caught the wood" comment. Terry asks why some of the women kept the same Man on Ice all the way through (this would be Karen, Sissie, and Andrea) instead of trying to meet as many of the men as possible. God, I hope Andrea doesn't answer, because of three of them, she's clearly the most deluded -- oh, shit, there she goes. She explains that she decided to do something she's never done: "I'm going to allow myself to see something through to the end." I really don't know what to say about Andrea. I don't. I think she desperately wants to see herself as a strong woman who, with her partner Kristian, can work through any obstacle to a loving relationship. Someone, for the love of god, PLEASE clue her in to the fact that Kristian is the obstacle to love in this case. She blah blahs about having to make tough decisions when it came to Kristian and her because, she says, he was uncertain about any kind of future for them. Good god almighty. Since I speak Guy a whole lot better than I understand Girl, let me explain, Andrea. If a guy actually comes out and tells you he doesn't think you have a future together, it means he doesn't want a future with you, but he's willing to have sex with you for as long as you let him, which will be until you figure out you won't change his mind.
Commercials, thank god. I need a beer. You know, I'd go almost anywhere for beer, do anything for beer. Real beer, true beer, pure beer, yeah. Absolutely.
Orange County's on DVD already? Wasn't that just in theatres last week?
Brent and Kristian are alone in the hot tub together, with candles everywhere for some reason. Kristian is explaining yet again that he and Andrea will probably keep in touch, but he doesn't think it'll be a long-term relationship. In an interview, Patrick says that Andrea and Kristian don't really seem to have anything going on. Bob said the same thing earlier this episode. Jason said so a while back. I wonder how Andrea feels now, watching these clips back home, where Kristian is nowhere to be found? "Having a good time," Kristian tells Brent in the hot tub. Then he leaves to hoof it over to the Northern Light, and they flash the "mature subject matter" thing on the screen again, which we all by now know warrants a big ol' "as if!" Andrea and Patrick are talking and playing pool, and talking about what Andrea said earlier about it being a tough call between him and Kristian. But because Kristian came to collect her, Andrea annoyingly salutes Patrick and heads off doing this incredibly irritating dance thing as everybody says goodbye, and somebody theatrically yells, "Andrea! We love you!" and she's blowing kisses; meanwhile Kristian is all "let's go!" fast-walking out the door. It's 11:15 PM.
Oh god, not the surveillance cam. Kristian's waiting under the covers and calls out that he had a hard time getting her to come to bed. Meanwhile, she's still by the bathroom doing whatever. When she finally comes to bed, Kristian makes his move, but Andrea says that they should just go to sleep. "I'm just worried about becoming too attached to you," she says. Looks like you caught that just in time, Andrea! So Kristian gets up to leave, and I can't say I blame him. Andrea certainly blames him. In an interview, she says, "I was a little miffed because he just kind of left." Sorry. Kristian's an ass, but he's been upfront with her. Repeatedly. And when you tell a guy you don't want to get too attached to him, you can't complain when he leaves. How else are you not going to get more attached? Andrea ventures, "I don't believe that we are going to end up being like Sissie and Brent." That loud noise you heard was me smacking my forehead.
Meanwhile, back at the Northern Light, Rebekah is leaving Jason with the other men so that they can do their male-bonding things. Naturally, she has to blow kisses to all the other guys and talk about how cool it is they're all here. Dorky Earmuffs, looking a little drunk, exaggeratedly blows kisses right back, in case we all forgot what a tool he is. Anyway, the male bonding is more pointless than I have words for, as Keith leads the men in a traditional Alaskan folk song. Keith and Patrick blah blah about Andrea a little, with Keith saying he figured he had the best chance with Andrea and Patrick admitting he has no clue what she's thinking. "If I knew what women thought I'd be a pretty rich man."
Commercials.
The morning, it's a chilly –5° F and we're back at the stupid axe-throwing range for this week's competition, which Santagati calls "one final super-competition." Oh, and there's a twist: "Ladies, the competitors are you!" he says, and he does, of course, the two-handed finger point, but he actually reaches behind his back before flinging his arms towards the bachelorettes. He explains that the women are competing for first choice among the men they've ALREADY REJECTED ONCE, for a second Man on Ice. Santagati explains that there are three events in the final competition, and the winner of each gets $1,000, while the overall winner gets first pick for her second Man on Ice, who, remember, has already been booted off the show. Some prize.
The first event is the stupid axe toss, which the men did in the first episode. Rebekah goes first, and lands an axe in an outer ring. Up is Karen, who unsurprisingly can't even get the axe all the way to the target. Cecile -- who might have done better if New Tim's picture were pinned to the bull's-eye -- plants the axe in the outer ring. Andrea manages to catch an inner ring. In an interview, Andrea tells us she managed to "get lucky" and at least "hit the target." Gee, thanks for that revealing insight! Sissie's up , and some dramatic, stirring music starts playing. Her axe appears to be closer than Andrea's, and she starts cheering, but the measurement reveals that Andrea is closer by an eighth of an inch, which I'm sure prompted Sissie to tell the other bachelorettes she didn't want to win because she loves Brent so very, very much. The $1,000 added to Andrea's dowry brings it up to $10,000.
I wonder if, when the producers decided to make the women repeat the already-annoying events, they realized the events would become more irritating because of the addition of "you go, girlfriend!" being yelled many times.
up, the skeet-shooting. Yes, it was someone's brilliant idea to make five women who have clearly never fired a rifle in their lives compete in a skeet-shooting competition. As lame as it sounds on paper, watching it was even worse, and by "even worse" I mean "even way more worse than you can ever imagine it being." Out of thirty shots, only three targets were hit. Andrea, Karen, and Rebekah came up with goose eggs, Sissie hit one target, and Cecile hit two (which is, incidentally, more targets hit by hunter/state trooper Doug). It's okay, though, because Sissie didn't want to shoot more targets because she loves Brent so very, very much. After winning, Cecile starts flexing her muscles and Will starts doing an annoying "raise the roof" routine. In an interview, Will makes this ridiculous statement: "I know she was a big-time gamer, so I knew she'd be ready for it," as though Cecile's victory wasn't completely due to luck. Her dowry's up to $16,000.
Then we get a stupid screen with giant letters announcing the Current Score, which is Andrea: 1 and Cecile: 1, and I don't really think that was necessary. We're talking three events and two of them are done. Was there anybody saying, "How many events has Cecile won? Seven?"
Anyway, the last event is the goddamn fish toss. Unlike the men's competition, the women are given protective overcoats. Unlike the men, the women will keep having fish thrown to them until they drop one. And this time Santagati doesn't bother paying lip service to the fish being donated to charity. Rebekah goes first. She catches three fish. Sissie, up , catches four fish. Andrea manages only three. Karen's up , and she turns out to be the Pele of fish catching. As she catches fish after fish, she tells us in an interview: "They're heavy, they're cold, they're slimy, and they're disgusting and stinky." She earns a well-deserved round of applause from the men for catching twenty-three fish. Cecile's the last to go, and as such, she's accompanied by the requisite dramatic music. But she only manages to catch nine fish, so Karen does a little dance as her dowry is bumped up to $8,000. Sissie doesn't mind, because she didn't want... ["Okay, Daniel. We get it." -- Wing Chun]
Now, of course, Santagati realizes that there's a three-way tie among Andrea, Cecile, and Karen for the overall winner. You'd think they'd have thought this might be a possibility, since there are five bachelorettes and they only did three events, but whatever. "So what are we going to do?" asks Santagati, as though he has some great twist to reveal or some new crazy event. The solution -- which I GUARANTEE was made up on the spot -- is to do the fish toss again. Yes. Again. We have to watch ANOTHER DAMN FISH TOSS because this show is so bush league. Although I love the look on Karen's face when she finds out she has to do it again.
And now the women in their interviews start whining about swollen fingers and broken nails. Karen actually says one of the fish bit her. Uh, Karen? Yeah, um, in addition to being heavy, cold, slimy, disgusting and stinky, they're also dead, so I don't think it bit you.
Anyway, Andrea wins the fish-off, meaning she gets first pick for her second Man on Ice. "Who's it going to be?" voices-over Santagati as the music crescendos and we go to commercial because the show is trying really hard to make this suspenseful.
Okay, let's get this over with. Santagati calls Andrea over to make her selection. She walks up and down the ranks of men, pausing to look at Patrick, who's wearing a great Canadian toque with "Ottawa" written on it. As she looks at him, he stiffens as though it's a military inspection, making her giggle. In an interview, she says that part of her would love to have Patrick back: "Things just really clicked between us," she explains, adding that Patrick's a really good guy. However, she picks Keith, who says in an interview, "It felt good because we didn't have that initial connection." Andrea: "I picked him because he's well-mannered, considerate...just somebody I'd be very comfortable with." Notice one of her reasons was that Keith's "well-mannered," whereas when Patrick couldn't stop belching, she likewise said that was a good thing because it showed he was comfortable with her. In an interview, Patrick (who has unfortunately earned the on-screen distinction of being "twice rejected by Andrea") theorizes that she eliminated him since then she'd have to face the tough Kristian/Patrick dilemma again.
Now we get this incredibly convoluted selection process in which the remaining men are instructed to line up in single file behind the women of their choosing, while Santagati tells the bachelorettes in all seriousness that they cannot look at the men behind them. Uh, why not? Seriously, what would happen, Santagati? Would a woman who looked back be disqualified? Would she turn into a pillar of salt?
Anyway, the men line up. In an interview, Rebekah says that she didn't hear anyone lining up behind her and was worried she was going to be "dissed." Only imagine her saying it in a screechy annoying voice.
Then the ridiculous we're-making-this-up-as-we-go-along nonsense continues, as, instead of just having each woman turn around and pick a guy, Santagati makes her come stand by him, then he calls the men over and makes them line up again, which had me yelling "BLOODY WELL GET ON WITH IT" at the television. The men who chose Karen are Dorky Earmuffs, Patrick, and Mike. Karen says she was pleased with the men who picked her, since Patrick's a lot of fun and she's glad Dorky Earmuffs wasn't mad at her over how terrible their first date was. Then she chooses Mike, who in an interview says "Blah blah beautiful blah blah initial attraction." We never hear from Karen why she picked Mike, if Patrick's such an ass-load of fun.
Cecile's ; she was selected by apparent masochists Jim, Jack, and Michael. Shot of Old Tim, who is NOT in her line. In an interview, Cecile says she was "disappointed and disheartened" that Old Tim didn't pick her. She says she would have selected him. I can't even speak. Cecile says, "I thought there were some things I had left unsaid." You know, Cecile is just as psycho as New Tim. She just gets away with it because she's cute. Why would she at all expect Old Tim to select her? What is wrong with her? She picks Michael, who says it was "great" and made him forget how cold his toes were. Yeah, abject fear will do that to you. Again, no explanation from Cecile why she chose Michael. In an interview, Old Tim says he lined up behind Rebekah because no one else had at that point. Also, "Cecile had already decided to bring me back, and I'm not sure what that was all about. I wanted to leave and get away from her at that point in time."
Rebekah's lineup consists of Brad, Troy, and Old Tim. "Timmy!" squeals Rebekah. No explanation. In an interview, Andrea says, "Cecile wanted Tim back, and he didn't stand in her line!" as the few remaining people still watching this garbage yelled, "WHY WOULD HE?" in unison. Will offers the theory that maybe Rebekah felt a spark with Old Tim (as if) or just picked him because he had been Cecile's man (ding ding ding!).
That leaves Sissie to choose from Thaddeus, New Tim, Bob, Jeff, and Terry. Sissie says she was impressed that five guys picked her, since they all know she was with Brent. So she picks Thaddeus, probably assuming that a guy in a chain mail vest wouldn't be much of a threat for Brent. In an interview, Thaddeus giggles like a Japanese cartoon character as he explains that he picked Sissie because he liked her and thinks he has a chance.
Santagati then explains the women have forty-eight hours to spend with their Men on Ice. Since he normally says they have a week, I figure maybe the episode was going to be on Tuesday. Santagati urges the men to spend their time wisely. "Try to convince your lady that you should be their [sic] boyfriend." Yeah. As if anyone other than Brent (who's a sure thing) wants that. I'm sure Kristian's working on his proposal right now. "The time we're all together will be on Proposal Point," intones Santagati gravely, where each woman will select her final Man on Ice: "The man she'd like to marry."
week: Ah, screw it. The women wander around in their wedding dresses and wait for proposals. And Daniel gets his summer back!