This episode starts off with Non-Stop Voice-Over as Santagati explains how the show works, and I'm not sure this is even necessary, since all during the show we are subjected to repetitive explanations of the not-exactly-complicated-in-the-first-place rules. You'd have to be an absolute idiot not to be able to follow what's happening. But if you're an absolute idiot, you're probably one of our contestants. But whatever -- the explanation is voiced over another montage featuring footage that we've seen a million times before -- like the women clambering up the hill in their dresses and then the clip with Santagati asking if the women are ready to meet the new men and Rebekah saying "yeah!" in this weird pod-person voice -- and stuff we haven't seen before, like people snuggling. At least, I don't think we've seen it before; it's hard to tell when I spend half the show averting my eyes. The montage ends with Santagati wondering who will find the man of her dreams and who will be left waiting at the altar, and this is over clips of the women standing alone in their wedding dresses as planes fly by. Then "Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska" comes up on the screen, with "Hosted by Steve Santagati" at the bottom as if we're supposed to know who he is, like they thought a viewer might be watching and about to change the channel until they see "Hosted by Steve Santagati" and then say, "Santagati? I'm there! That guy always does good work!" The wedding-dress-in-the-wilderness-shots have creeped me out since the first episode and I couldn't figure out why -- not in a "I can't believe I'm watching a reality show on FOX" kind of creepiness but something a little more visceral than that. Then I realized that they reminded me of a ghost story or a Johnny Cash song, like about a woman left at the altar (in Alaska, I guess) who killed herself and now wanders the Alaskan wilds forever.
Then the real opening credits and the attending supremely aggravating New-Agey-but-with- electric-guitar-thrown- in-for-good-measure music and "Single Women" and "Eligible Bachelors" on the screen, and maybe someone could explain to me what an "Ineligible Bachelor" would be anyway ["A gay guy?" -- Wing Chun], and worst of all, the "Last Chance For Marriage" fear-inducing thing. And, in case we missed it FIFTY SECONDS AGO, the "Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska" title pops up again. But no "Hosted by Steve Santagati" this time because I guess the graphic designer forgot to save his changes when he modified the title screen.
Santagati voice-overs what happened on last week's episode (with "Previously On" superimposed on the screen): the women pick their men and we see the scary tall bald lead singer of Midnight Oil dude again, and the replay of Andrea's stupid clip where she boasts about making Kristian take off his glasses and how this made her drunk with power. Glacier-watching. The couples get to know each other. There's a clip of Sissie saying, "I think that Brent and I have a lot of potential" that I don't remember seeing last time, but who can really distinguish one of her eyes-bugging-out interview clips from the , really? Then we see Kristian "put the brakes" on things with Andrea -- then we see the axe-throwing competition as Santagati says, "The four new potential husbands were thrown into the mix," although it happened before the Andrea-Kristian thing. Anyway, lots of clips of people mingling and, "Suddenly, it was Rebekah who stole much of the attention" and we hear Sissie explain that Rebekah wants "to have her cake and eat it too" and Rebekah's false-ingénue routine where she says, "They're all being so nice to me!" We're subjected to clips of Dorky Earmuffs massaging her, and I really regret having to see that guy again -- I mean, I'd just barely gotten over my disappointment in this guy on behalf of All Men Everywhere, because after I saw his pathetic plea to Rebekah I spent the few days randomly apologizing to women on the street because I was so ashamed of him, and we're forced to watch him getting used by Rebekah.
Time lapse of moon rising. Someone named Eric Schotz is credited as "executive producer" and "writer" which made me snort "writer?" since I'm willing to bet my first recap required more writing than the entire seven episodes of this crapfest, and speaking of which, how much do you want to bet that Shack saw I turned in eighteen pages and said, "We'll see about that!" and then wrote nineteen pages worth onAmerican Idol and at least his show had a stoned guy trying to sing "Silent Night" which has had me laughing all week. Anyway, my skepticism only doubled when the executive producer is also credited as a writer, since I guess it takes two brilliant minds to come up with such gems as that "keep in play/send away" thing and "rules of engagement."
And even though a week has gone by since the last episode, we pick up where the last episode left off, kind of like 24, only without tension or excitement -- you know, stuff that makes television good, like Kiefer Sutherland running around yelling, "Who are you working for?" all over the place and then shooting Dennis Hopper. And let me tell you, I would pay good money to have Kiefer Sutherland drive a van right into the Northern Light and then get out spraying bullets.
I mean, we have Rebekah and Cecile flopping on a couch to Jack, asking him if he was surprised to be chosen; he says he was, since he had some competition. Rebekah annoyingly says in that irritating baby-voice manner of speaking she has that she wanted to squeeze all her men into a little ball and take them home with her, and here's hoping this episode's competition is a Shut Rebekah the Hell Up contest, and Cecile can barely muster up a fake laugh since nobody wanted her rejected ass last week, and could someone explain to me why Cecile even hangs out with Rebekah? ["If Cecile hangs with Rebekah, she'll be closest when the time comes to scoop up Rebekah's castoffs." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Rebekah says she knew Troy would make a plea, but that the others were a nice surprise, and she's already referring to the pleas as "proposals." In an interview, Jack (who's wearing orange sunglasses), says he made a plea to Rebekah because he could feel a vibe, and -- okay, that's it. Until these morons stop talking about "vibes" and "connections" with Rebekah and just bloody well admit that Rebekah is the one they wanted most to have sex with (and who seemed like the best bet to agree), I'm going to have to ignore their stupid justifications. "Vibe." Shit. Who didn't get a vibe off Rebekah last episode? I swear you could tell that bear in the snow was thinking, "I think the dark-haired one is digging my action."
In an interview, Rebekah reminds us of Jack's poem, and all these flashbacks are kind of like old wounds that are just starting to heal until they're ripped open again, and we cut to Jack in the Northern Light reciting a line that he forgot -- something about Rebekah's legs being as long and graceful as a deer prancing through the meadow, like she already picked you, Jack; could you please allow me to keep my supper down this week, thank you?
In an interview -- one in which she looks a lot older than her alleged twenty-seven years -- Rebekah explains that there are two games: one is to find your soulmate ("on that part of it, I haven't found him," she says. Gee, five whole days and still no soulmate?). The second game is to make money for her dowry, and I guess if you want to call getting money for dating men a "game," then that's your business. Also, if that's a game, then Rebekah has to be the Wayne Gretzky of Bachelorettes on Ice.
In an interview, Karen says that if Rebekah's enjoying herself flirting with the guys, why not make some money? Then she totally undercuts that sentiment by adding, "I personally wouldn't do it," because I guess it's one thing to go on a television show and start off with $5,000 in a dowry but trying to add to it crosses some sort of moral line for Karen, and at any rate I think it's not so much she "wouldn't" do it as she "couldn't" do it, because, say what you will about Rebekah (and most of us have been), at least she's able to enjoy herself and muster up some emotion, in stark contrast with Karen, who barely moves at all when she speaks, like she's heavily sedated. Has anyone else noticed so far that we never see Karen actually doing anything or talking to anyone? There has been a total of one clip -- from when they were in the hot tub last week, when she started in with "I like big butts" from the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, and even then she clapped her hands over her mouth like she was embarrassed. Give me Rebekah's gold-digging manipulation over Karen's complete lack of any discernible personality any day.
Day Six. 8:45 AM. Everybody's leaving on the group date. We see people bundled up and leaving their cabins, then a shot of Rebekah putting on makeup in the mirror while still in a towel, so you know exactly where this is leading. Shot of Karen, Andrea, and Cecile all leaving their cabins. 9:19 AM. Rebekah is still primping. Shot of the rest of group looking a little impatient. 9:30 AM. Rebekah is still putting on makeup, but now she's halfway dressed. Cut to a group shot that was obviously shot at the same time as the first one but edited to make it look like it was twenty minutes later, with Andrea complaining, "That's beyond straggle; that's lagging," and I can't say I knew there was a hierarchy in adjectives that mean "late." Cecile's wearing orange sunglasses and I'm starting to think one of the rules is that contestants aren't allowed to wear regular sunglasses.
In an interview, Cecile says she gave Rebekah a hard time for being late, as we watch on the Rebekah CabinCam as Cecile comes in at 9:45; in her interview, Cecile really makes it sound like she was tougher on Rebekah than she actually was; I mean, she says she told Rebekah that she's throwing everybody's schedule off as if these people have some schedule to keep out in the middle of nowhere, and as if the show is going anywhere without Rebekah. I mean, if it were a concern, you'd think the producers themselves would have hurried her up, and now that I think about it I'm willing to bet Rebekah was instructed to take her sweet time getting ready, in order to spark some tension on this show. And it does, if you count one clip of Andrea looking mildly perturbed as "tension." In the cabin, Cecile is saying dumb things like, "It's not right to be rude," like NO KIDDING, CECILE, I think that's why they call it "rude" and then she says, "It's kind of obnoxious to be that way." Oh, only "kind of." It's only "kind of" obnoxious to be rude, which itself is "not right." Then Cecile says, "I mean, you know me, I told you one thing can piss me off and it's done, dealbreaker," whatever that means; is she saying because Rebekah's late she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore? If that's the case, she might want to try acting angry instead of seeming apologetic here. Oh, and that "one thing can piss me off and it's done, dealbreaker" comment? I think we've identified the source of her relationship troubles, if she bails on a person the first time something pisses her off. Meanwhile, Rebekah's so chastened by Cecile's tongue-lashing that she stands there, twirling some, um, makeup tool thingy (I assume) on her finger. Oh, and also she's now in a grey sports bra and she really needs to eat something. Cut back to Cecile's interview, where she is still pretending that she really laid it out on the line with Rebekah: "I said, 'I just think you need to watch yourself. I mean, if anyone's going to tell you, it's going to be me,'" and can I point out that Rebekah is just late? What is this "you need to watch yourself" garbage?
Which isn't even accurate anyway, since back in the cabin, Cecile's idea of confrontation appears to include playing with Rebekah's hair and saying, "You'll be fine, honey," and I thought more Cecile this episode would be a good thing, but I was very wrong. Then she tells Rebekah, "Nobody hates you" and I guess they edited out the scene where Rebekah smoked a huge bowl of crack because she completely flies off the handle at that, although I admit it was kind of an odd thing to say. "We're starting to bicker like we're sisters," says Cecile, who is in some kind of fantasy world if she thinks Rebekah wouldn't completely screw her over. Then she says something about how when you spend this much time, (uh, FIVE DAYS, Cecile) with each other, someone's bound to break, whatever that means.
10:30 AM. Group date. The temperature is 26°, so it's even warmer than it was in the last episode. The group date is dogsledding, with the women sitting on the sled and the men driving them. Long pointless clips of people laughing and generally enjoying themselves and I have dogsledded before so I do know what it's like (and no, I didn't take a dogsled to school, not like I haven't had to debunk that myth a million times after living in the Yukon). In an interview, Kristian blah blahs about how crazy it is that Andrea picked him out of all these guys and they're getting along so well. SHUT UP, Kristian, pretending this is some sort of fairy-tale romance, like there was a little hint of pixie dust in the air when Andrea signed up for this prostitution deal out of desperation. Andrea snoozes me out by going on about communication, as we watch her on the sled with her arms really awkwardly folded back, so Kristian can hold on to her elbows while he drives the sled, I guess. Then they wipe out. Heh. Now we watch Karen and Kurt. And unlike the other women who were waving and laughing, Karen is completely bundled into the sled, arms and all. Kurt says they have a lot in common and the age thing (she's thirty-six, he's twenty-nine) isn't an issue. I actually groaned when he brought up the age issue, because then Karen has to weigh in on the age issue. She explains she thought Kurt was younger when she met him (we know, Karen; it was apparently your primary reason for picking him), but it's okay because she's dated guys his age before. Am I crazy, or is she saying she normally dates guys younger than Kurt but she doesn't mind that he's as old as he is? Am I the only one really weirded out by Karen? I'm really curious now as to why her marriage broke up.
Apparently we need another interview wherein Rebekah calls Kurt a "hottie," like, we get it, Rebekah has designs on all the men, thank you.
Now the rest of the women engage in speculation about Karen's age, since she apparently wouldn't tell them. Then we get Rebekah explaining that a lot of women in their thirties are secretive about their ages. Then, for some reason, Rebekah feels compelled to tell us that she's not a woman in her thirties who's secretive about her age: "I'm not, 'cause I'm still like, 'Hey, I'm twenty-seven, I'm loving it.'" Let's let that sink in. Rebekah just said she's not secretive about being in her thirties because she's actually only twenty-seven. File this in the same category as when she felt it necessary to tell us how "real" she is. Kurt for some reason blah blahs that it's all about being attractive on the inside because you'll only be attractive on the outside for a certain length of time. If I were dating Karen, though, I'm sure I'd consider "measurable brainwave activity" to have some sort of importance as well.
Sissie, in her sled, says something about how nice it is that she gets to sit on her ass while Brent does all the work, like, here's your drinking game: drink every time a woman on this show sees some meaningless detail as evidence of how "in charge" they are of this travesty. Okay, I will ignore anything Sissie says in her interviews as long as she is wearing that stupid beret.
Brent says that, for a long time, he thought he was going to be alone for the rest of his life, because he was with someone for so long. I think he means that, after he got divorced, the fact that he was in a long-term relationship for so long meant...I can't quite get it. But Brent's kind of like your buddy who can't see that his weird girlfriend is like a succubus draining all the life out of him.
Sissie. Beret. Moving on. Oh, wait, I can't. I mean, she does her Joker grin again and giggles and calls Brent a "hunk of burning love" again. Does she think that's cute or something? Sissie scares the hell out of me. Mercifully, the dogsledding is over, though, and all these idiots shut up for a damn minute or two and we just watch them walk along a beach. Even in Alaska, we have to get cheesy beach-at-sunset scenes.
Back at the Northern Light, 10:30 PM, everybody sits and relaxes. In an interview, Cecile says it's too early to tell how things are going with Tim, but that she's definitely interested because she thinks he's adorable. Karen and Andrea chat on the couch. Kristian swings by on his way to the bar and asks if he can get them anything. Cecile says that Tim's getting her something and Andrea says Tim's getting her something as well, so Kristian says "cool" and saunters off. Karen then annoyingly says something like, "When you say jump, he says 'how high?'" (drink!) and I hate to break it to her that Kristian was not ordered to do anything; he was being considerate, which is NORMAL behaviour in healthy relationships, platonic or intimate, and basic courtesy is proof neither (a) that the guy is either a saint or a slave, nor (b) that the women are in charge and finally, maybe somebody should clue these dingbats in to the fact that in a normal, functional relationship, no one is "in charge." Christ!
In an interview, Karen says she told Cecile she thinks Tim is "profoundly shy," and I suppose just because the guy isn't willing to have sex on camera like Andrea, if we believe the teasers from last week, that qualifies him as "shy." We see Tim at the bar, and he gets his wallet out to pay for the drinks! How cheap is FOX, anyway? In an interview, Cecile says she's unsure about finding out how Tim feels, since he might just want to be friends. Yawn. No one in history has ever gone through this, I guess. At the lodge, Karen asks if she's getting any "vibe," and Cecile says sometimes she thinks she is and sometimes she thinks she isn't and then wonders if she's being stupid and juvenile about the whole thing and I think I know the answer. Karen says "Cutie-Patootie," possibly trying to out-juvenile Cecile. In an interview, Tim says he's not sure what kind of relationship he'll wind up having with Cecile. Since we know Cecile's going to be hanging out in a wedding dress at the end of the series, he'd better figure it out quickly.
Ooh, slow it down. Little slow-mo of burning fire. In Cecile's cabin, Cecile is running her hand over Tim's practically bald head. In interviews, they both vaguely allude to wanting the other to make a move, but neither does, making them the Waiting For Godot couple, I guess. Shot of Karen and Kurt kissing goodnight, Sissie and Brent snuggling, Andrea and Kristian kissing, Rebekah preening in front of the mirror, Andrea and Kristian full-on making out, and I barely finished dry-heaving in time to see Cecile settle into bed all by her lonesome. Sigh-a-lent night. I said, sigh-a-lent night.
Commercials. We get that scary "buying pot=helping Osama bin Laden" commercial which, to me, actually strengthens the argument for legalizing drugs. Who knew Bush was so progressive?
Day seven. 9 AM. Overhead shot of the Northern Light that shows that all the snow is melting which is I guess why they stop bothering with the temperature updates. It's the return of Santagati, who's barely on the screen five seconds before he has to be dubbed in explaining the very complicated Challenger aspect of the program, telling the Men on Ice that the new men are ready to "whisk your ladies away."
Out comes Michael, a stocky, thirty-two-year-old high school English teacher. 6'2", blue eyes, his hobbies are theatre and poker. Heh! I'm sorry, but anyone reading this should know that whenever someone mentions poker, my automatic response is "Poker? I hardly know 'er!" and if you don't find that hysterical, we seriously could not be friends. Good for Michael for having hobbies different from all the stereotypically outdoorsy ones so far, like Kristian's ice-climbing nonsense that I am still annoyed about. Also good for Michael for being the first to admit there's a physical aspect to attraction, because in addition to someone "spontaneous" and who loves to travel, he's "a sucker for a smooth pair of legs." Okay, that was kind of odd.
up is Jeffrey, known as The Guy With No Sideburns, because he has none, like not even the little stubby ones most people have where your hair kind of hooks over your ears. He's thirty-seven, and a pilot for a major airline. 5'11", blue eyes, his hobbies are mountain biking and running. He says that if he hits it off with a woman on this show, he has no trouble asking her to marry him, 'cause he's "not gettin' any younger here," which is maybe a reason he should keep to himself should he actually get to propose to someone on this show, as if.
up, Patrick, and he reminded me of Michael Rapaport from Beautiful Girls -- the guy with the unhealthy obsession with models. He's a twenty-nine-year-old architect, 5'9", green eyes; his hobbies are painting and rugby and I guess today is the day with the artistic men coming out of the woodwork. Blah blah love at first sight blah blah.
Jason, twenty-six, is a professional snowboarder, whose hobbies are juggling and skateboarding, which is kind of cool, I thought. 6'0", blue eyes. He says something about his ideal woman being very confident. Cut to a shot of Rebekah checking him out and then an interview in which she says when they were on the glacier picking their original Men on Ice, Jason joked around a lot and "everybody was like, 'Rebekah, when Jason comes, you'll have fun," because I guess that would be a major change for Rebekah who up until now hasn't managed to show any interest in any of the guys.
So the competition is: catching fish, because Alaskan men like to catch fish, so says Santagati, placing Alaskan men at odds with men everywhere else who I guess hate to fish, but besides that, we're two for two in terms of choosing activities that piss me off if for no other reason that they don't have anything to do with anything. Not that I believed their website, but you realize that when FOX said the activities were "very Alaskan," they actually meant "tangentially involving something that is connected to Alaska in some way." Then, as if things weren't bad enough, Steve says the fish will be "donated for charity" when they're done, like, thank you, socially conscious FOX -- thanks for killing all these fish just for your stupid show and then attempting to make it better with this supposed "charity" nonsense when you know that Santagati hastily added that at the last second.
Then we get this interminable fish-catching sequence that consists solely of the challengers catching fish, challengers dropping fish, and people laughing and clapping. It wasn't even entertainingly bad. It was just annoying and took way too long. Michael and Jason each catch fifteen fish, Patrick catches seventeen, and Jeff catches nineteen.
Jeff's the "winner" inasmuch as anyone on this show can be a winner and he gets $2,000, like, how much money is being wasted on this program anyway? But oh it's okay because FOX is going to try to find some charity willing to take several dozen old, dirty fish.
You know what? This "woman as prize" portion of the show is even worse than last week. Not only is this the part where the non-in-control-actuality of this show most in evidence, but while last week the winner was a kind-of-scary guy sizing up and choosing a woman based just on looks and how loudly she cheered for him, this week it's a kind-of-scary guy with FISH SLIME ALL OVER HIM sizing up and choosing a woman based solely on looks and how loudly she cheered for him.
Jeff doesn't even say a word. He picks Cecile, bringing her dowry up to $7,000. She looks really happy about it, and in an interview she says, "My jaw dropped when he walked up to me and stood there," because she'd initially thought he'd passed her over. Could someone on this show demonstrate some self-esteem for once?
Now the remaining women pick -- Andrea and Karen both choose Patrick, while Rebekah and Sissie both choose Jason. I felt so bad for Michael, who at least keeps smiling about it. So Patrick chooses Andrea over Karen. In an interview, Kristian says he's not worried about Patrick making a connection with Andrea. "If he does, great," he says, because women dig nothing in men more than nonchalance.
Karen now gets to pick again, and she picks Michael: "I know, how 'bout you!" she says in a babyish voice that is incredibly unattractive coming from a woman in her mid-thirties. I have a couple of theories on why she picked Michael over Jason: (a) since no one else picked him, she was assured of not being dateless, or (b) she figured that if things worked out between the two of them, she could always hit on Michael's English students.
Then Santagati asks Jason whether he wants Rebekah or Sissie: "Both," he says, prompting giggles from both women. Then he checks each of them out again, which I thought was funny for some reason. Then he chooses Rebekah after saying he doesn't hold it against either one of them they didn't choose him on the glacier before.
In an interview, Jack says he thought Jason might be competition for Rebekah since they're both outgoing, and I want to feel sorry for Jack, but after his stupid poem, I just can't.
So: Santagati banishes Sissie to her cabin and reminds her that she is to have no contact with the Men on Ice; he sends the new couples on their dates and tells the Men on Ice that they have no choice but to wait and wonder if they've lost their women forever. You know, you can show me all the clips you want of these idiots looking glum, but I fail to see the drama when these people haven't even known each other a week and perhaps if they're actually attached enough that they're willing to marry people who are practically strangers, here's another clue as to why their relationships never work out.
Slow-motion shot of Sissie walking away and then a shot of a moose eating, and some wacky Northern Exposure-esque music starts up. Whatever.
Okay, I thought Cecile's sour grapes last episode were bad, but I was not prepared for Sissie, who pops into I think Karen's cabin to tell the other women (and she says this in an interview) that her strategy was working -- that she purposely didn't want to get picked, and so put on extra layers of clothes and went for the Swiss Miss look (hair in two braids) and didn't use any "body language" to lead anyone on. Extra layers of clothes? IT'S ALASKA. Body language? I didn't notice her acting anti-social or anything -- it seemed to me she was just as cheerful and giggly as the other women (well, other than Rebekah, who maintains an impossibly high standard in that regard), just as she was last week. I mean, I don't doubt that she's going to cling to Brent until they pry his corpse from her cold, dead fingers, but all she has to do is go "woohoo" and earn a couple of pleas and she can add to her dowry for her wedding to Brent. You go on a date with someone, that's considered leading him on? Finally, it's kind of funny how she brings up her strategy AFTER she gets rejected (you know, just like she got rejected last week) and had to make sure the other women knew she didn't mind not getting picked because she didn't want to get picked. Sissie? Whatever. Go practise your yagga.
Jason and Rebekah's date: day spa. I think I've identified the single most annoying thing said on this show; it's whenever Rebekah says, "I was like, 'yay!'" as she cocks her head and sends her voice up to some pitch only dogs can hear. Then she pretends it was a little uncomfortable just to meet a guy and then an hour later be naked right to him. I'm so sure, Rebekah. Jason, who I think is all right, says Rebekah enjoyed the spa treatment: "She got all balanced out, I guess. I didn't really understand what was going on, you know?" Heh. Then they make small talk over dinner, and they seem to hit it off as well as can be expected for people with cameras constantly trained on them. Rebekah annoyingly blah blahs that she experimented with dating actor-models for a while. Who else but Rebekah would actually say, "I think I'll date actor-models for a while," which she says was a big mistake, since they're just "pretty boys" and nothing else, which is screamingly funny coming from Rebekah. My respect for Jason grows as he says Rebekah seems, "hard to please, you know?" Then we get this weird dialogue between the two of them as they discuss whether the date is going well and how hard it is to tell, and it was also filmed oddly, like with a hand-held camera through a doorway or something, like Rebekah and Jason tried to get away from the cameras. Anyway, they both say they're enjoying themselves and then in a clip obviously edited in from another part of the conversation, Jason says, "I definitely think you're a beautiful girl," so I guess he figured out what pleases Rebekah.
Commercials. Can everyone agree that the cachet of getting actual NBA players to appear in your basketball movie is completely negated by the fact that they cannot act?
Patrick and Andrea's date is another hiking trip, like she went on last week. Again she has to pretend she enjoys it even though she's clearly never hiked a day in her life before going on this show. Patrick the Living Ego asks if he looked good catching fish and Andrea tells him he looked "awesome" and not only that -- Patrick is her "hero." God almighty would you RELAX for two seconds, Andrea. In an interview, Patrick with I swear to god Elton John glasses on says he normally dates younger women because he relates to them better because he likes to goof off, whatever that's supposed to mean. Back to them hiking and Patrick lets loose with this huge belch and then says "sound check!" and then burps again. How rude is this guy? Andrea just laughs. In an interview, she says that Patrick felt he could relax around her: "I don't get bugged by much," like APPARENTLY NOT, Andrea. At least now we know why she thinks she's in charge on this show. If she's able to convince herself this guy burping all during their first date is a good thing, it's no wonder that she thinks a guy offering to get her a drink is her total slave. And yes, it's nice when you're comfortable enough in a relationship to expel bodily gases -- having the freedom to be in bed with someone and pull the dreaded Dutch oven without getting dumped is one of life's sublime pleasures -- but maybe Andrea could use some of her supposed powers to tell this jackass to mind his goddamn manners. ["Yeah, you have to wait until at least the second date to really let one rip." -- Wing Chun] Cut to Patrick and Andrea sitting and having some kind of frozen-ass picnic. Patrick asks her what her favourite food is and she thinks about it a moment and then says, "Dinner," I swear to god. I SWEAR TO GOD. In an interview, Andrea says that humour and laughter are really important in a relationship, and that Patrick is a very funny guy. Back at the picnic, Patrick holds up this black harness-looking thing and says it'll come in handy later and Andrea -- who would probably just giggle if Patrick said he liked child porn -- just giggles. In an interview, Patrick says it doesn't take him long to warm up to someone, and if he can do whatever he wants and the other person is offended, then.... I'm sorry. I just can't believe how obnoxious this guy is, but if he thinks doing whatever he wants is any way to go about a relationship, then Andrea is certainly the perfect doormat for him.
Karen and Michael go fishing. While Michael seems like a halfway interesting person, Karen just sucks any life whatsoever out of the screen. Michael says he's attracted to her: "She's a beautiful woman." Karen says he's a nice guy and funny -- clip of Michael casting and asking, "Can fish smell desperation?" -- and to her credit, she looks like she means it in a good way, not a "I think he's a total schlub but I don't want to be mean" kind of way. We see Karen cutting the date short, saying, "I've had enough," and I bet that they've been out there maybe five minutes. Michael acknowledges that he can be "a little different, a little weird."
Back to the Northern Light, and thank god the Men on Ice aren't moping around; Tim and Jack are shooting pool. In an interview, Jack says that Tim and Cecile make a nice couple, but that he's not sure they have that "connection." Oh, like you and Rebekah, eh, Jack? He also says that Tim should probably keep on his toes, since Jack bets Cecile could change her mind on him at any moment, unlike the prone-to-commitment Rebekah. In an interview, Tim says he feels a little intimidated by Jeff (and I'm assuming he means because Jeff looks like a scary guy) but says he thinks Jeff might be a little too straight-edge for Cecile, which I think means Tim noticed that Jeff used a ruler to shave off his burns.
Cecile and Jeff are kayaking, or, as Cecile puts it, "sea kayaking" and it's nice of her to distinguish it from land kayaking and air kayaking. They see bald eagles. They see a sea otter. "It was awesome," says Cecile. Zzzz. For some reason the music from Band of Brothers plays. Jeff -- who looks exactly like Billy Bob Thornton when he wears a toque -- says he's attracted to Cecile. I suppose that's a good thing, what with him not getting any younger.
The sun goes down. Oh, man, it's the return of the Cheesiest Sax Music Ever as we watch special nightvision shots of Cecile and Jeff hanging around outside. Between the crappy sax, the Band of Brothers, the five-second Northern Exposure rip-off, I really wish there was some kind of anti-Emmy awards, wherein people would be not rewarded but KICKED OUT OF THE TELEVISION INDUSTRY, because the Bachelorettes music person is already in the running for a Lifetime Achievement of Shittiness award after two episodes.
Also, the night-cam gives Jeff and Cecile that spooky reflective-eye thing. In an interview, Cecile says Jeff was really nice and attentive. Jeff explains that when they walked back to the car, he kissed her to break the ice, and then they kissed again and it was mutual. Then in the back seat, he rubbed her neck. We see the neck rub, which Cecile is clearly enjoying, but not the kissing, and I have to say the "parental discretion" warning attached to the show is about as necessary as an explicit lyrics warning label on an Amy Grant record.
Commercials. I think it's sad that we'll remember the late, great Tito Puente for being used in an annoying Dr Pepper commercial. And not, you know, for being that guy who was going to be Springfield Elementary's music teacher until Mr. Burns stole all the oil.
2 PM. Cecile and Jeff return. They walk to Cecile's cabin and giggle and stuff, then Cecile hugs him good night. She goes inside, and Tim has a surprise waiting: wine and unattended lit candles ready to burn down a huge swath of the Alaskan wilderness. He left a note for her in which he misspells her name as "Cicile," but she still thinks it was a nice move and I have to hand it to him. However, he might want to think about learning how to spell her name. In an interview, he explains that the note tells her that he's enjoyed the time with her so far, and he hopes she's enjoyed it too, and he appears to have scored major points with her. In an interview, she says it's nice that he was making more of an effort, and reveals that she was joking with Andrea that if he didn't make a move, he was out of there. She goes on to explain that a lot of women want men to make a move, which is true enough, but if we're going to persist with this illusion that the women are in charge here, you'd think they'd have edited out Cecile blah blahing about "waiting" for men. I mean, really.
Cecile goes over to Rebekah's cabin, where Rebekah is -- surprise surprise -- working on herself in the mirror, despite spending the entire day getting her tires rotated at a spa, for crying out loud. Cecile says that Jeff tried to "maul" her and "totally stuck his tongue down [her] throat." Rebekah freaks out, but I don't buy it for a second; we never saw what happened, we only saw Cecile rather enjoying Jeff massaging her, and at the end of the date, she hugged him rather happily for a woman who had supposedly just been assaulted by him.
8:30 PM. Men on Ice are back in play. The women greet the Men on Ice, who are still playing pool, and Tim reaps the benefits of his little fire hazard display as Cecile hugs him and says he's sweet. Andrea says they only have half an hour to eat, whatever that means, so they'd better get at it. That's perfectly understandable, what with dinner being her favourite food and everything. Did I mention she's wearing an annoying cowboy hat? Because she is.
Jack and Kurt explain for us the complexities of adding new men to the group, which amount to...well, new men added to the group. In an interview, Jack says that Jason and Rebekah seem to have hit it off. In an interview, the seldom-heard-from Kurt says that Jack won't go down without a fight, like they're mountain goats butting heads instead of morons reciting lame poetry. Speaking of poetry, Michael scores major points by quoting Browning as he leads a toast: "A kiss from a woman, and to hell with the rest" as the rest of the idiots cheer and pretend to know who Browning is. I mean I was kind of surprised that Cecile didn't whisper to Rebekah that that Browning guy totally stuck his tongue down her throat.
As the gang breaks for the fireplace room, Cecile wants to go outside to tell Tim something. See, whenever a woman wants to take me outside to tell me something, it means my ass is getting dumped. Here, it just means Cecile wants to light a fire under Tim's ass...I mean, "tell him about Jeff trying 'to take [her] tonsils out'" and says again that Jeff tried to maul her. Whatever, Cecile. In an interview, Tim says he was taken aback and couldn't believe Jeff did that. That's because he didn't, Tim. Cecile's playing with you and hoping you'll protect your turf. It's junior-high shit, Tim. Don't fall for it.
Tim falls for it. Too bad he can't see the annoying montage that we do, with shots of Jeff playing darts over supposedly creepy music, as well as replays of Cecile enjoying Jeff's attentions. In an interview, Tim says, "It wasn't like I was going to do anything, but at the same time it made me look at Jeff in a little bit different light."
Commercials. This is the 800th time they've shown that stupid Barry Bonds/Jason Alexander commercial, putting me on edge. Man, I could really kill some policemen right now. I mean, smoke a joint.
After dinner. Everyone's chillin'. Jason says to the other guys, "You guys got any more condoms? I'm all out already." Heh! That cracked me up like you wouldn't believe.
And because Rebekah can't spend more than ten minutes away from a mirror, we go to the women's washroom, where she's working on her hair and discussing with her pathetic lapdog...I mean, "Cecile" how funny Jason is and saying, "He's a good guy to bring into the group," which I guess it's going mean sayonara for Jack, who in an interview is kidding himself when he says he doesn't think Rebekah will get herself into an "instant relationship" with Jason. Right. Because Jack and Rebekah have so much history together. Cut to an interview with the Ice Queen herself, loftily saying that Jack has to know they've got "no connection." Yeah, he might know that, Rebekah, if you hadn't told him you felt a connection with him IN EXACTLY THOSE WORDS. I don't know I've ever disliked someone on television so much, other than when the aging-exponentially Teri Hatcher does those Radio Shack ads.
We see Rebekah and Cecile talking on the couch. Cecile whispers, "Jack may as well leave now," and Rebekah actually sneers and says, "He isn't an option. He isn't even a conversation." She's completely evil. But at least she's decisive, unlike Andrea Doormat, who is doing her best to appear peppy and fun to the point where every time Patrick asks her something she appears to think she has to come up with a witty answer. Here's the conversation as Patrick wonders if it's his turn to shoot pool:
Patrick: Am I up?
Andrea: Uh, well [shrugs], only you can answer that!
Seriously, Andrea, it wasn't a trick question. Rebekah and Cecile discuss their relationships, speculating that Patrick will plead to Andrea. God only knows why he'd do such a thing. They call over to Andrea to try to figure out which way she's leaning and she does this annoying scales thing with her hands to show she's not sure, and I have to say being forced to choose between Kristian and Burpy Obnoxious is like choosing between the chair or lethal injection. In an interview, Kristian said there was "an interesting dynamic" going on with him and Andrea that night, and I do agree with him, except for the "interesting" part. He explains that Andrea wanted to get some guys to plea to her, but she didn't think that would happen if she spent all her time with Kristian. So he gave her permission to flirt -- like she needs his permission -- and he gave her space. He says it was kind of weird. Maybe that's because, as we watch Andrea and Patrick play pool, his idea of giving her space is to stand there watching them the entire time. He blah blahs that he wasn't jealous of Andrea hanging out with Patrick, but that he didn't like it. What would you call it, then? In an interview, Patrick says that Andrea has potential, whatever that means. I could not care less about any of this.
Later that night, everybody heads to the spa, where for some reason known only to him, Jack is in his bathing suit DOING PUSHUPS by the hot tub, which was funny enough, but made even more pathetic when Jack looked up with this "Oh, I didn't hear you come in" expression on his face, as if he hadn't been looking out the window for them and started doing pushups just before they got there.
So while everybody gets wacky in the hot tub and Rebekah shows off her best assets, Andrea and Kristian go back to Andrea's cabin, where they blah blah that Kristian wanted to spend more time with her and Andrea all cocky says she enjoyed her space tonight. I guess we're supposed to care about this conflict, and you might, unless you remember that these two idiots have known each other all of six days. In the cabin, Kristian tells Andrea that he's not ready to tell her to move to Alaska after this is over, and in an interview, he says that, in his guts, he doesn't see them having a long-term relationship. In an interview that was so close-up on Andrea and her bad hair that I actually recoiled from the screen, she says it's too bad he doesn't have stronger feelings.
I still don't care.
1:20 AM. Rebekah is still holding court in the hot tub and it looks like Jack is leaving without a fight, as is Patrick. "Look at that," says Jason, looking at everyone in the hot tub. "They had this all set up," whatever that means. Even Michael has been reduced to giving Rebekah a foot massage. In an interview, Sissie says something, but she's wearing that damn beret, so whatever, Sissie. Karen: "Bottom line, she likes to flirt." Rebekah: "I'm a little flirtatious. I love men. It's just my nature." Sissie: "I'm wearing a beret because I think it makes me look sophisticated and blah blah blah." Slow-motion of a wolf howling -- like there's that trademark subtle editing by the FOX geniuses.
Commercials. My god. David E. Kelley's doing another show? When does he find the time to nail Michelle Pfeiffer? Note to Wing Chun: you owe me after this Bachelorettes garbage, so do NOT assign me to this new show. ["You're not the boss of me." -- Wing Chun]
Aw, Christ. It's always darkest before the dawn, and in the same vein, we get the stupid annoying Proposal Point segment. Kristian has no idea what Andrea's going to do. Patrick would like to get to know her better. Oooh! Such drama! Hey, wait a minute. Speaking of drama, I thought a chunky guy was supposed to say, "This is dramaville!" this week! And where was foul-mouthed Cecile? All I want is a little dirty talk from Cecile. Is that so much to ask? Anyway, Andrea says that if Patrick makes a plea to her, she'll cry, because she'll have a short time to make a very difficult decision. Shut up, Andrea. I thought the point of your flirting was to garner a bunch of pleas.
Okay, let's get this over with. Santagati goes over the rules regarding making a plea. Michael's wearing a jester hat because apparently he thinks he's a snowboarding teenager from about ten years ago. Jack looks like he really has to go to the bathroom.
Patrick goes first and makes a plea to Andrea, who manages not to start crying. Her dowry's up to $7,000. Patrick's holding a block of wood while he explains that he thinks Andrea's "cool" and he does this weird mouth thing like he's not taking this seriously at all. To give her an example of how much fun she can have with him, he says he's going to cut the piece of wood with his chainsaw impression. He puts the wood on the floor and proceeds to impersonate a chainsaw and just like with Jim's toque last episode I have to break with the prevailing attitude of the boards and say I thought the chainsaw thing was pretty cool. I mean, I actually tried to do it myself. I couldn't do it. Now, having said that, there is no way in hell that I would actually use a chainsaw impression to try to win a woman's heart; there's clearly a difference between behaviour that's acceptable when you're hanging out with your friends and behaviour that's acceptable when you're exploring a new relationship, and Patrick has no conception of the difference between the two of them. Still, everyone at Proposal Point seems to enjoy the chainsaw routine and clap enthusiastically for Patrick.
Billy Bob wants to make a plea to Cecile, bringing her dowry up to $9,000. At least Jack made an effort to memorize his poem; Jeff has to pull out a piece of paper to read this: "Cecile, I'm here with a plea. It's your decision, in this beautiful land, for all to see," like, nice poem, Jeff. At least it was short. Tim kind of smirks, since he knows there's no way he's losing to Jeff. You know, because he assaulted Cecile and everything, although you wouldn't know it from the way she's beaming at him during his stupid "poem." And before Jeff is cast out into the night, can I ask if I'm the only one who would be really freaked out if I got on a plane and found out he was the pilot?
Jason makes a plea to Rebekah; her dowry is now $15,000. Jason gives a half-assed spiel about how much fun he's had with her, and winds it up by saying he just has one question: "Would you please choose me?" and he holds up a block of wood as he says "would" and written on it is "please choose me." I guess Jason didn't want to waste all day working on his plea.
Michael becomes just another Rebekah Robot when he chooses to plea to her. Shot of Karen looking nonplussed, even though she called off their date after about ten minutes of fishing. Rebekah's dowry is up to $17,000. And you'd think an English teacher like Michael would be able to bust out a truly amazing poem like Shakespeare's "Sonnet XXIX," but instead he does this dance where he stomps around a bit and points at Rebekah and himself and I think it was an approximation of a First Nations dance, which I have to say is more than a little disrespectful when it's performed by a white guy in a jester hat. Well, no use getting annoyed over it. We know there's no way Rebekah's picking Michael.
Andrea has to choose, as Santagati's voice-over reminds us how important this is, since the man she chooses could become her husband, like this stupid Proposal Point decision is legally binding or something. Anyway, Andrea chooses Kristian despite the fact that he was practically begging to be let go, and pretty much telling her they have no future, and then you have Patrick who, despite his faults (which don't seem to bug Andrea anyway), genuinely seemed interested in her. Andrea says something about how she and Kristian have "established a really intense emotional connection" and by this point I was yelling "WHAT KIND OF DRUGS ARE YOU ON?!" at her.
Cecile takes about two seconds to choose Tim but doesn't say why.
Rebekah says she adores them all and blah blahs about connections and then chooses Jason. Big surprise, since FOX has already brilliantly shown us clips of Jason in future episodes.
Santagati asks Sissie and Karen if they want to pick a new man from the guys who are left. Sissie even goes so far as to make this annoying "talk to the hand" gesture, because, oh, that's right, she doesn't want to have her pick of the men because she loves Brent so much, even though the POINT OF THE SHOW is to have this vast selection and it was just last episode where Sissie was all gleefully rubbing her hands together and saying, "Let the games begin!" As for Karen...well, I seriously think Karen's drugged. She looks like she doesn't even know where she is.
The couples gather, the losers are banished, and Steve tells the "lucky" men that they have another week to get to know their potential wives, which I don’t think is true, since it doesn't appear that it's an actual week between episodes. Why am I analyzing this?
week: horseback riding! Tim feels pressure! Kristian repeats his blah blah about not seeing a long-term thing with Andrea! But they have sex anyway! Cecile is livid about something! And also she swears! Rebekah says, "My heart dropped!" Daniel calls in sick since he can't take this!