Man alive. I thought maybe I was going to sit smugly on my Sports Night recapper ivory tower forever. Let the others have their Ally McBeals, their Temptation Islands, their 7th Heavens. I got the good show -- the show that wasn't treated fairly by its network, but at least went out on a high note. Sure, I started to feel like an interloper among the recappers after my show was relegated to the Permanent Hiatus section, but any time I felt like reliving some Network Executive glory, I could smack down some uppity poster pretending to know something about hockey and then hide behind Sars when the fur started to fly.
Then, this. Bachelorettes in Alaska. Wing Chun asked me to do it -- and for those of you who think the Heads of Programming call up the recappers on giant floor-to-ceiling video screens, like the Superfriends had, it doesn't happen. We get summoned via email. ["Our R&D team is working on that floor-to-ceiling thing as we speak, though. And I did send you a note via carrier pigeon but apparently it got sucked into a jet engine somewhere over Flin Flon." -- Wing Chun] Wing gave me a rah-rah speech about taking one for the TWoP team, that I should close my eyes and think of Moose Jaw and all that, and I agreed.
But I hate reality shows. I watched some of Survivor, the first one, until Colleen got voted off. I even, mea culpa, watched a few episodes of Big Brother when a foot injury kept me in my La-Z-Boy for a week a couple of summers ago. But Love Cruise? The Mole? The Amazing Race? Nada. They don't register. I know nothing about them. But I didn't want to go into this in a negative frame of mind, so I tried to think of a benefit of recapping Bachelorettes. I mean, when fans of a half-hour of crap like Titus are dissing your show on the FOX message boards, you've got enough problems. Finally, an upside came to me: when I did Sports Night, and I clicked on TWoP's pull-down listing of shows and forums, I always had to scroll really far down the alphabetized list to get to Sports Night. Bachelorettes? It's right at the top. I'm saving precious split-seconds every time I do it! So that's something. Thus deluded, I settle in for the first episode.
The madness begins with the host doing a voice-over about five single women going to Alaska "desperately seeking husbands" over a shot of the bachelorettes in wedding dresses trudging up a snow-covered hill, intercut with shots of them making various thimble-brained statements about why they're on this show. The voice-over continues, explaining that the men outnumber women in Alaska more than in any other state and calls them "lonely Alaskan bachelors." So we've got "desperate" plus "lonely," which is always a sure-fire recipe for romantic success. More clips follow of people kissing, laughing, snuggling, etc. By now, I figure an hour must have gone by, but it's only been about a minute. The words "For Better" flash on the screen, followed by shots of people getting it on, then "For Worse" followed by clips of people arguing and some chunky guy going, "This is dramaville" and a shot of one bachelorette rubbing her hands together gleefully, saying, "Let the games begin!" and a vague sense of dread creeps over me as the clips speed up while flashing words like "joy" and "pain" and "sunshine" and "rain." Keep it going, keep it going! Well, not "sunshine" and "rain." Sorry about that.
Now I guess we're into what are the actual opening credits of the show, because this pseudo New Age-y music kicks in, you know, with that annoying kind of singing -- the kind of music that's always being used in car ads, like that Volkswagen one with that guy who looks like James Spader trying to interrupt a wedding, except I think that ad's pretty well done. This music just makes me wince. There are a lot of shots of amazing Alaskan scenery and the desperate women are introduced in these so-serious shots of them in their wedding dresses in the wilderness: Cecile, Andrea, Karen, Rebekah, and Sissie. Meanwhile, more words flash on the screen, like, how much reading do we have to do for this show, anyway? This being the always-subtle FOX, the opening credits let us know this is their "LAST CHANCE FOR MARRIAGE."
Finally the show begins. Stunning mountain vistas; generic reality-show-esque drum music. Float planes flying. The camera swoops in on host Steve Santagati. His bio on the FOX site says his credits include series and specials such as cable's "Secret's [sic] of Travel Survival," World Gone Wild, and Laughlin Superstar Challenge with Carmen Electra and "Ali Landery [sic]." These are the best credits he has, which in terms of pop-culture fame place him somewhere below a contestant on Celebrity Boxing and somewhere above the guy who did Michael Jackson's sixth nose job. Santagati tells us, "Right now, our five women are on their way here from the Lower 48." We get clips of the women already there, checking out the men, and yet another shot of the women climbing up that damn hill in their wedding dresses. The voice-over continues; Santagati solemnly tells us that the power on this show is in the hands of the women, and he manages not to crack up. We learn that the hopeful brides will pick their first "Man on Ice" -- a man she feels could become her husband. Yet more clips we've already seen; how little footage does this show have, anyway? More explanation -- new men are constantly entering the game, and women decide who leaves and who stays.: "Ultimately, these women have one goal: to complete this game with a new husband on their arm." ["Big singular/plural problem in that sentence right there. It makes it sound like the five women intend to leave with one husband draped on a collective arm that belongs to all five of them. Yes, in the middle of this train wreck, I'm choosing to focus on syntax." -- Wing Chun]
Okay, for real the show is starting now, I think, because we're informed this is Day 1. A white float plane comes in carrying Rebekah, age twenty-seven; she's a real-estate broker. "When you look at me, you might think I'm a typical L.A. girl, by the outside," she says in some we-don't-know- where-this-was- shot-but-that-is- definitely-not-Alaska- out-that-window interview. She continues: "But on the inside, absolutely not. Absolutely not. I'm real." I dislike her already. We are treated to shots of her roller-skating through L.A. Could I just point out that when I think "typical L.A. girl," the woman I come up with has blonde hair, bigger breasts, and smaller teeth? Second, I think people who actually are "real" don't feel any need to inform people of their authenticity. Rebekah starts blah blahing about her parents being divorced so she doesn't trust very easily, which is fair enough, but then she explains that she doesn't want to get divorced -- as if anyone wants to get divorced -- and she wants the "one and only." She thinks she'd make a good wife. "I'm ready, I'm absolutely ready," she says. I hate to be rude, but I think in Rebekah's case, the producers should have asked for a birth certificate to double-check her age. We cut back to her plane, and then to a shot of this giant bear lumbering along the ground. ["Quick, check his claw for a ring! Does he like to snuggle?!" -- Wing Chun]
up is Sissie, age thirty-one; she's an interior designer who says she's fed up with dating because it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Apparently, she's been through that haystack, though, as she informs us, "I think I've dated every man on this side of the Mississippi," which she follows up with the nervous giggle masking deep desperation, which we'll come to hear a lot from the bachelorettes. Then she blah blahs that she figures Alaskan men will be a lot like "how [she] grew up," whatever that means, and proceeds to offer a bunch of barely connected statements involving "fishing," "the South," and "country girl." Meanwhile, I can't say I know a lot about hair, given that mine is buzzed to within a quarter-inch of its life, but if I can tell you've got a bad perm, then you've got a bad perm. And Sissie, that's a bad perm. She says she'll definitely find a guy in Alaska: "I'd be keen to settle down and get married." Shot of her in the plane again; she is wearing one of the radio headsets for some reason, like she's flying the plane or something. Mountain sheep or whatever frolic in the snow below.
Cecile's up , and she too is wearing a headset in her plane. She's twenty-six, a sales analyst, and says she's on the show for the chance to meet her soulmate. I try not to snicker at that as I watch her in some hip-hop dance class. I think Cecile's cute. She's got long brown hair with blonde streaks, and apparently after she's done busting a move, she likes to tool around Benicia, CA in a silver BMW. She calls the show's premise "incredibly romantic." I'd like to look up the word "romantic" in whatever dictionary Cecile's using. Shot of her plane, which is actually the same plane they tried to pretend Rebekah was in earlier.
Karen, age thirty-six, is a business development manager who looks like a less bimbo-ish Three's Company-era Suzanne Somers, actually. She talks about a marriage that ended kind of suddenly, but doesn't say why. We watch her walk along a beach in Hampton, NH and I think this was supposed to look reflective, but looked more like one of those "Are you in debt? Harassed by creditors?" ads. Back to the headset-wearing Karen as her voice-over continues, explaining that she'd love to share her life with somebody because she has a lot to share. She's got plenty of trite observations on love to share, anyway.
Andrea, the thirty-four-year-old advertising manager, is up , and her interview has this weird hazy look to it, which might have something to do with the "she needs some moisturizer" comments on the forums. She explains that she was engaged, but her fiancé drowned, and it took her a while to realize that every time she gives her heart to somebody, he isn't going to die (followed by a shot of her walking along a San Francisco pier, like nice, FOX). She speculates that there might be somebody in Alaska for her.
Despite the fact the show has gone to great pains to pretend that these women are all arriving separately, only three planes land by the lakeside (with a graphic informing us that it's 19° F, which isn't very cold as far as winter in Alaska goes), where Santagati has three bonfires lit, for some reason. We watch separate shots of all five women being helped off the planes, and then all of them approach the campfires from different directions, like YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. How sad they couldn't afford to rent two more floatplanes for this stupid show. There's a flagpole, with the Alaskan state flag on it, and I was going to say I think Alaska has the coolest state flag in the U.S., but then I realized I don't even know any other state flags and I only know Alaska's because I used to live right door in the Yukon.
Santagati smarmily welcomes them to Alaska, but I'm too distracted by Rebekah's weird blue sunglasses to listen. Then I notice that half of this guy's dialogue is overdubbed, like he's explaining the premise of the show again as if the women don't know why they're there and as if the viewers haven't already heard it several times, but it's obviously dubbed in and I'm guessing Santagati kept flubbing his lines or something. Santagati points at the woods and says, "Your home for the week is right over there, and if you take off, I promise you'll be warm," which struck me as a really weird turn of phrase -- "if you take off, I promise you'll be warm"? -- and it is even more irritating because he does this annoying sweeping two-handed finger-point into the woods. The women start walking, AS IF they are going to walk to the Northern Light (the name of their lodge), especially in those chunky-heeled shoe-things they're all wearing instead of boots. Santagati says something about an "amazing romantic adventure."
So apparently they walked a long time because it's night when they get to the Northern Light. Santagati's voice-over calls it a wilderness lodge that's their "isolated oasis"; it's closed to the public and hundreds of miles from the nearest city. The women ooh and aah appreciatively. Santagati explains that they have it all to themselves tonight, even though the whole damn point of this show is to end their dreary, lonely, worthless-without-men existences. Quick shots of Karen, Andrea, and Sissie cooing over their individual cabins, like maybe Cecile and Rebekah hated theirs.
Commercials. Okay, Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins, together at last? Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer? Santa did get my letter! Who at KFC decided Jason Alexander's nasal whine would sell more chicken for them? And then paired him with the widely disliked Barry Bonds? I also see my first ad for American Idol and suddenly I don't feel so sorry for myself. Poor Shack. There but for the grace of Wing Chun go I.
Day 2. Women meet the men. The women are all in a helicopter with Santagati, wearing all-white snowsuits with big furry things on their heads, looking for all the world like extras from a James Bond movie. Santagati explains "the rules of engagement" -- I swear to god he said that -- for when they meet the men. Santagati says that the women will see all the men at once, but instructs the bachelorettes not to talk to them. He says each of them is there to pick one man, based on a "physical attraction" or a "spiritual connection." ["A spiritual connection derived from not speaking to them. That's the very best kind!" -- Wing Chun] Then Santagati says that the men are ready, so "let's set this helicopter down!" The women all say "all right!" and stuff and high-five each other, and how obvious was it that none of them has ever high-fived someone else in her life; I'm betting that little display of excitement was coached by a producer. Sissie describes how her heart started pounding when she looked out the window and saw all the men below. Every time she opens her mouth, I feel a little more sorry for her. Then some unidentified nimrod bachelor voices-over the scene of all of them lined up and describes it as a "meat market," and I have to say for all the blah blah so far about all the eligible bachelors in Alaska, there are some strange fucking guys in this group, like, one of the first guys you see is this tall scary bald guy with huge black goggles on and he's laughing about something. ["Hey, lead singers of Midnight Oil need love too, dude." -- Wing Chun]
Right in the middle of this scene, Santagati explains that this Matanuska glacier is one of the most picturesque spots in the world. He adds, "And over here's another nice view. These are the men of Alaska." And these so-called men start going "woohoo!" and lifting their arms and generally acting like idiots. Santagati helpfully explains that all these guys are single and, just like the women, ready to get married. "So whyn't you go over and take a look," he says, like he can't even worry about proper enunciation when he's too busy doing his two-handed sweeping finger-point thing again, like that's his signature move or something.
So the women fan out among the men, and we see an interview with Sissie saying that she was thinking, "Let the games begin!" and she rubs her hands in a feeble effort to convince herself she's running the show. Cut back to her and Rebekah high-fiving each other awkwardly, like, they should leave off with the high-fiving already. Cecile looks cute in her snowsuit, but we only see her briefly before we cut to Rebekah already strutting around, saying, "Decisions, decisions, decisions! Who is first?" and I'd just like to refer back to her interview at the top of the show and point out that she just said "first" and not "one and only" like she did before. Cut back to a fireside interview with Rebekah, where she is still shimmying and has made her hands into a gun and is STILL going, "Which one's gonna be first. Oh, yeah, that was fun." Shut up, Rebekah.
Then, despite Santagati's instructions, the bachelorettes start talking to the men, asking them their names. Andrea orders one guy to take off his sunglasses, which he does. And in her flashback interview, she explains that when he did as he was told, she started to feel like she was in charge, capping this off with the nervous giggle masking deep desperation, perhaps because inside she knows that making a lonely loser on a FOX "reality" show take off his sunglasses doesn't exactly bust women through the global glass ceiling.
The women all gather again, and Santagati tells them to stake their claim, starting with Karen. She picks up some stick/stake...thing, and stabs it into the ground near a dude named Kurt; then we get a voice-over and a pop-up graphic letting us know that Kurt is twenty-nine, and a "rock 'n' roll roadie" (in Alaska?). He's 5'11", has blue eyes, and his hobbies are snowboarding and music. "Love at first sight hasn't happened to me per se, but I think it's totally possible." Totally, dude. We see the two of them standing together and you realize that if Kurt is 5'11", then Karen's tiny, like, she looks about four and a half feet tall. In an interview, Karen explains why she chose Kurt; the first words out of her mouth are "He looked like a young guy" and you're thinking, "Uh, that's kind of weird" and then she says, "He looked casual" and you're starting to think something is wrong with her, and finally she stammers out something about how he looks like he'd be some fun, which sounds more like a valid reason than her apparent predilection for "young, casual" guys.
"up is Cecile," says Santagati, (with the two-handed finger-point). She picks a guy named Tim, who apparently gets his hair cut at the same place I do. He's a twenty-four-year-old fisherman from Kodiak. Never married. 6', brown eyes, hobbies are basketball and camping and I can't say I know any guys my age (twenty-six) or younger who are desperate to get married, except maybe for the hardcore Christian ones from my high school who got married as soon as they could because they supposedly don't believe in sex before marriage but obviously just wanted to get on with the rutting like the rest of us. Tim wants to start a family because it'd be nice to have someone to come home to when he's done fishing because it's a lonely house, and I hate to break it to Tim but Cecile didn't pay for a Beemer by sitting on her ass around the house all day waiting for her fisherman husband to come home. She reveals that she was attracted to his smile and thinks it would be interesting to talk to him and see if they're compatible and thank god she offered coherent reasons, unlike Karen.
Rebekah's turn. She picks a dude named Jim in a North Face jacket, and I don't care what anybody says, I think his toque is cool. She says she picked him because he seemed kind of cool and "kicked-back," but she qualifies her decision by saying, "Honestly, they were all bundled up and I was really worried about not falling into a crevasse," whatever that means. Jim's twenty-seven, and a server/chef. Never married, 6', blue eyes, and his hobbies are skating and cooking. He says -- I swear he says this: "My perfect wife would be just a girl I'm very impressed to look at all the time," and I thought maybe his toque was too tight. He adds, "And feel very honoured to be around," which is better, I guess.
It's Andrea's turn. She picks the guy who she earlier ordered to remove his sunglasses. This is Kristian, who's twenty-nine. Never married, 6'2", blue eyes, and his hobbies are "ice-climbing," whatever that is, and hiking. Andrea picked him because he was well-dressed and clean-cut. He looks at the camera and makes a face like maybe Andrea just farted. His voice-over says something about hoping the women are "strong-willed" and "adventurous."
Sissie's up , and as she walks through the ranks of the desperate men, you see one of them is this really fat guy with long greasy hair and you start thinking (a) now there's a rock 'n' roll roadie, and (b) how the hell did that guy get on here anyway? Sissie picks Brent, a divorced thirty-one-year-old freight construction manager with two sons. He's 6'2", and I think the top six inches of his height is all hair; he has blue eyes, and his hobby is hockey, and it is about time someone liked a real sport instead of this "ice-climbing" nonsense. In an interview, Sissie babbles something about picking Brent because he looked like a "a house on fire," whatever that means, and I wonder why they even bother interviewing her at all since she barely ever makes any sense. Then she uses the phrase "hunk of burning love." Brent says he believes everyone has a soulmate, but it can take some time to find one. I think TWoP should give me danger pay based on how many times people use the term "soulmate" on this show. ["Get in line behind Jessica, buddy." -- Wing Chun]
Santagati informs these poor bastards that they are the first "Men on Ice," and that he'll see them later at Proposal Point, where the women will decide to keep them in play, or send them away and replace them with one of the other guys here on the glacier. I really hope that big fat guy shows up again. Santagati continues by saying that they have one week to get to know their future wives, which sounds like plenty of time to plumb the depths of these dingbats' souls. Kristian already has his arm around Andrea. The seeds of discord are sown already as Sissie reveals that all the women get along really well (and I would like to point out they've been together about twelve hours, most of which was spent sleeping), but she thinks that if some of the women don't like the guys they've chosen, they might like her guy. So she's a twit and paranoid. Good to know.
Sun sets in Alaska. It's 7 PM. Back at the Northern Light, we witness excruciatingly boring small talk between Brent and Sissie as everybody mingles. Cut to Brent explaining how they talked about how different things are in the north as opposed to the south, like, let me guess: it's colder. Then we see Rebekah flirting with Jim at the bar. She's wearing a tight red midriff-revealing shirt, she's pointing at her chest and asking Jim if he likes her ski bunny outfit, and I can only assume this was cut from the broadcast watched by everyone on the forums who clucked their tongues and wanted to know what the guys saw in Rebekah while I thought, "Yeah, that's a real mystery."
Already the in-fighting begins; I assume the liquor is starting to loosen people up as Sissie calls someone "Cutie-Patootie" and then points at Rebekah and says, "This is the princess right here," pretending to be joking but you know she's serious. Rebekah laughingly (and a little drunkenly, sounds like) protests that choice of nickname. In an interview, Sissie elaborates on this, explaining that Rebekah wants her mocha frappucino and wants to be the centre of attention and you get the sense that Sissie wants us to think that it doesn't bother her, like she's explaining it in a "that's our Rebekah!" affectionate kind of way, but with her arched eyebrows and a grin that was more rictus than smile, you could smell the jealousy on her. We get another clip of Rebekah pointing at her chest and talking to Jim, who to his credit is trying to maintain eye contact instead of just blatantly staring at her breasts, even though Rebekah's intent on letting him know that's what she put them out there for.
More excruciating small talk. Kristian teases Andrea for ordering him to take off his sunglasses, but she insists she at least said "please." Then they compliment each other's eyes, and Andrea says "the eyes have it," and I barf up the tortellini I had for dinner. In an interview, Andrea admits to being nervous, but says she hopes there's a connection there. Then back to the Northern Light, where Kristian's got his arms wrapped around Andrea as they stand on the porch and gaze out into the night. Interview with Kristian in front of a distractingly crackling fireplace. "There's a spark there for sure," he says. "She's an attractive...gal," and it takes him about five minutes to get from "attractive" to "gal" and then he swallows, which I'm pretty sure is a telltale sign that he's lying. ["Plus, 'gal'? Gross." -- Wing Chun]
And lest you were worried that the Alaskan setting meant Bachelorettes was going to be Television Without Titty, here comes the hot tub. And in an interview in which he needs a shave and a haircut, Brent helpfully explains that the hot tub helped everyone relax. Thanks for explaining what a hot tub is for, Sideshow Brent. Actually, it appears to be an excuse for some dingbat to do his impression of Eddie Murphy's impression of James Brown, which was annoying enough but almost redeemed by somebody going, "Baby got back!" and Karen starts in with the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, then looks embarrassed as though she can't believe she just did that. In an interview with the double-earringed Kurt, he says it doesn't bother him that Karen's petite, because he's dated a variety of women in his "dating career," like, just when you think somebody has just said the dumbest thing possible on this show, someone else lowers the bar, and then Kurt does just that in his own sentence by adding it makes him feel bigger to date a small woman, and you wonder exactly what kind of inadequacies he's making up for. I'm willing to bet he drives a really fast car. Karen's take? "Kurt's a hottie. He's got a really nice body." Cut back to a shot of Karen in the hot tub as a voice-over of Karen is added that was obviously tacked on after the fact to make sure she doesn't come off like a complete ditz. Overdub Karen explains that Kurt is really smart and really funny, even though we've seen no evidence of the latter but plenty of evidence that contradicts the former. And even in her spin-doctored overdub she can't resist saying "eye candy."
No such image-massaging for Rebekah, who says, "Did you see his body? I was like, 'whoa! Where did that come from?'" Then she laughs, all horse teeth and everything. Quick, check these women's bios on the FOX site and find out how many of them mentioned anything about appearance when they described the husband they're looking for. None of them? Gee, I'm completely shocked that they're behaving this way.
Grainy black and white shots over the cheesiest saxophone music ever recorded, lifted directly from any scene in Miami Vice where someone dies -- the kind of night scene in which Crockett cries and Tubbs puts his hand on Crockett's shoulder and says, "Come on, man. Let's go." Take that sax and that's the music we've got here, over scenes of Rebekah hanging out with Cecile in Rebekah's cabin, then Kurt dropping off Karen at her cabin, then Brent and Sissie hugging in Sissie's cabin, then kissing good night (labeled "Sissie & Brent's First Kiss"), then Kristian and Andrea kissing (apparently their first as well) in Andrea's cabin. Then a time-lapse shot that makes it look like the stars are spinning around the sky.
Commercials. I realize that the use of "Sisterhood" in the title is an explicit warning that I am not welcome, but I have had a strange hate on for some reason for just that title -- Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood -- even when it was just a book and I guess I didn't realize how lucky I was because at least the book was silent but now I don't know how many times I'm going to have to put up with commercials for the movie which feature women yelling "Ya-Ya!" about eight million times and an announcer telling me that I'll go "ga-ga for Ya-Ya." I think whoever came up with "ga-ga for Ya-Ya" seriously needs to be punished severely. I am against capital punishment but I could make an exception in this case.
Day 3. Group-date time aboard the Alaskan Explorer, a ferry. 10 AM, a balmy 22° F. ["Thank god the path to my marriage never involved my having to get up early and get on a damn ferry." -- Wing Chun] The ferry goes by the Aialik glacier, and the entire date consists of watching chunks of the glacier fall into the water. It may sound lame to anyone who's never seen a glacier up close, but they're fairly impressive. And I think all of us could really root for a huge chunk of ice falling off and causing a massive wave that capsizes their stupid boat.
Instead, Sissie and Sideshow Brent snuggle, while Brent explains that he hasn't dated since he was divorced. You know, he actually seems like a nice guy, whereas Sissie keeps looking more and more demonic in her interviews as she gets more attached to him, like in this one, where she blathers on about how his having two kids is not a problem for her, and I guess it had better not be, being that this is her "Last Chance for Marriage" and all. They blah blah blah about each other a bit, about how sweet the other one is, as if viewers wouldn't rather see The Princess Bride (tm channelZ) horning in or something. "He is definitely the nicest guy I've ever met," says Sissie, which is something I think would be hard to judge when all you've done is hang out while cameras are constantly on you. It's not like the guy's visiting with lepers or anything.
More New Age-y music and time-lapse photography as the sun sets and then rises and I think Day 3 must have been a pretty big bust in terms of anything interesting happening.
Day 4, 19°, though, holds the promise of an axe-toss competition among four new men, because what better way to demonstrate what great husband material you are than HOW WELL YOU CAN THROW AN AXE AT SOMETHING -- I mean, hold a tampon-buying competition or a picking-up-wet- towels-off- the-floor competition or some other skill that women might find a little more useful in their mates.
As the couples all stand together, Santagati explains to the men that the challengers are here to try to take "your ladies" away, and so much for giving the women the power, I guess.
Brent says that he was nervous, and he does seem genuinely anxious as he describes not knowing what the new dudes were going to be like and whether Sissie might like one of them better. Santagati (two-handed finger-point): "Now it's time to meet our four new men!" I don't know if this means anything, but so far Santagati seems most excited whenever more men are introduced. Draw your own conclusions.
The Parade O' Losers starts: out comes this guy wearing a red hoodie (in Saskatchewan, they're called "bunny hugs," I swear to god ["I can confirm that." -- Wing Chun]) with the hood pulled up and "Lynx" with a paw print on the breast. He's also wearing these yellow glasses that made me think England lost a Chemical Brother. This is Thaddeus, twenty-eight, a commercial diver. Never married. 5'8". Blue eyes. His hobbies are swimming and hiking, and over a weird slow-motion clip of him swaggering around, he says his ideal wife would be athletic with blonde hair and blue eyes and be "a rock 'n' roll chick. She would just be so cool!" he says, before giggling like a teenage girl with a new copy of Tiger Beat.
Out comes Jack: dark-haired, thirty-four, office environment consultant, whatever that is. Divorced, with a nine-year-old son. 5'11", brown eyes, hobby is bodybuilding. Jack's not as popular in the forums as I thought he would be, since he seems like a good-looking guy to me. Maybe it was his blah blahing about believing in the concept of soulmates that did him in; as a guy who has done plenty of his own blah blahing in the hopes of impressing women, it's been my experience that "soulmate" is one of those phrases we use if we think the woman wants to hear it. Like, "Yeah, I love cats."
up, the cowboy-hatted, ponytailed, goateed Troy, thirty-seven, who says he works for the federal government at Somewhere Air Force Base (helpfully and hilariously shortened to "mechanic" on the on-screen graphic). He has a nine-year-old son (and who the hell are these guys having all these kids with, anyway, if there are no women up there? ["Maybe they have the kids in another state and move to Alaska to nurse their broken hearts and also ice-climb?" -- Wing Chun]). He's 5'11" with blue eyes, and his hobby is truck racing. I have no joke here. He goes on about believing in "love at first sight," and between this and Jack's "soulmate" nonsense I can't help thinking that while the challengers were waiting for their competition, someone passed around a Maxim so they could read an article entitled "Sensitive stuff to say to make chicks want to do it with you."
But they saved the best for last: Matt, thirty-eight, is the retail manager of a clothing store. Brown hair (receding hairline), blue eyes, and his hobbies are skiing and fishing. He also has a goatee, and can I ask what is with the goatees on this show? I mean, who even has a goatee anymore? Don't these guys know the soul patch is the current facial hair of choice? But the best part is the stupid-ass earmuffs he's wearing, and I think they're not even actual earmuffs, but little elastic ear covers, like ear condoms. Henceforth, he shall be known simply as Dorky Earmuffs. He explains that he's ready for love because he's mature, which he seems to equate with "a couple of homes, a little bit of money in the bank, and some property to build a future with." I hate to say it, but I'm doubting DE has many friends. You'd think someone along the line would have taken him aside and said, "Dude, those earmuffs? Not cool."
Santagati explains that the winner of the axe-toss gets a date with any of the women, plus $2,000. Then he explains the dowry system the show employs, causing untold legions of women watching to start screaming, "Dowry? DOWRY?" Yeah, you've come a long way, baby. Santagati says that the woman chosen by the winner gets $2,000 to add to her personal dowry (which starts at $5,000 for each bachelorette). He goes on about how there will be many chances for their dowries to grow, and "that's money in the bank on the day you get married" in yet another overdub that has you wondering how useless a host this guy is since he can't seem to explain anything right on camera. Then he actually explains that the guy who lands the axe closest to the centre of the target is the winner, in case we don't know how a target works.
"Thad" goes first. Shot of Sissie clapping; someone -- presumably Rebekah -- goes, "Woo!" Thad completely misses the target, like THANKS FOR COMING OUT, Thad. Dorky Earmuffs manages to catch the edge of the target, earning cheers and applause and a "good shot" from Rebekah. Jack's . Rebekah watches intently. Jack thwacks the axe handle off the centre of the target, so Dorky Earmuffs is still leading. Cecile explains to Andrea, "He hit the middle, just with the wrong end." For some reason, that cracked me up. Troy steps up and launches the axe, which sticks in the centre ring, beating Dorky Earmuffs. I'm sure the women were all relieved. Santagati tells Troy to pick out his date. Cut to an interview with Rebekah in which she explains that she was thinking, "Pick me! Pick me!" Just when you think Rebekah couldn't get any more annoying, she goes and ratchets her voice up a couple of octaves.
Back to the selection. Troy stands in front of the couples and says, "Let's see -- which of these guys is with my woman?" like, it is no wonder this guy has no luck with women. Kurt makes a "whatever" face, but you can also hear Rebekah pretend to find that line incredibly amusing, and Troy goes right to her and says, "How'd you like to go on a date, darlin'?" and she says, "All right," yeah, big surprise. Her dowry's up to $7,000. She elaborates on her "all right" comment by explaining, "When he picked me, I was like, 'Party! All right!'" Ohhhhh, that's what she meant. Shot of Jim scowling as Rebekah explains that Jim wasn't happy, but he "knew that would happen."
Interview with Andrea, still with that fake "that's our Rebekah!" tone of voice, saying that all the women knew Rebekah would be "the chosen one," since "she was kinda workin' it."
The remaining non-Rebekahs are instructed to pick a man with whom they'd like to go on a date from among the remaining challengers. Karen picks Matt; Sissie picks Jack; and both Cecile and Andrea pick Thad, who starts giggling again, because he gets to pick. "Who do you want?" asks Santagati. To the surprise of everyone, Thad picks Andrea. In an interview, Thad says that he picked Andrea because she seemed to have "that kind of attitude," something he might like. Also, Thad is bald. Like Charlie Brown bald. Santagati sends the four new couples off on their dates, while the original Men on Ice have to sit and wonder whether they'll get the boot. Then Santagati explains to Cecile that while the other couples are on their dates, she's to stay in her cabin and have no contact with the other five men. Cecile tries not to look too bummed about being banished to her cabin, but you know she's trying to remember if she brought her favourite Harry Connick Jr. CD and enough batteries to last the night.
Special cabin camera shows Rebekah getting ready for her date when in barges Cecile, who says, "Did I call it? Did I fucking call it?" except of course the "fucking" is edited out, and I'm kind of a sucker for cute girls with dirty mouths so I perk up. Cecile's bitching about not getting to go on a date, saying she knew that would happen. In an interview, she explains that it's insulting not to be picked, and while she rails on I guess maybe that dingbat Santagati might want to try reminding her how empowered she supposedly is. Back in Rebekah's cabin, Cecile hilariously explains that Thad now thinks two women want him, when in fact she only picked him out of pity. Mmmm, sour grapes. Rebekah -- oh so cold and calculating already -- says, "You know what? This is a game, sweetie," like did Cecile ever come to the wrong person for sympathy.
Day 4 still. The Dates with the New Men. Andrea and Thaddeus. Andrea does her best to appear to enjoy herself. Thad says he thinks he made the right decision between her and Cecile, and that he liked Andrea more as the date went on. I fall asleep. Seriously, there was nothing interesting about this. In an interview, Thaddeus says, "blah blah blah" and in another interview, Andrea says "blah blah blah."
Meanwhile, back at the Northern Light, we are treated to shots of the original Men on Ice walking around looking forlorn and doing interviews explaining how the women are free to do what they want but they hope there's a connection there and I kept wondering why it was these guys are such losers that they would mope around over these women they've known all of two days. I try to imagine what I'd have been like as a Man on Ice during this time: "Hey, it was all right. Had a couple beers, played some Grand Theft Auto III, you know." Kurt says something to the effect that if Karen has a bigger connection with someone else, he's not just going to stand by.
I don't think he has anything to worry about, though. Karen is at a day spa with Dorky Earmuffs, sitting in a hot tub. Karen reveals in an interview that she felt uncomfortable in the hot tub with somebody she just met five minutes ago, which is a total load since she started hot-tubbin' it with Kurt and everybody else, and with Kurt it was all, "Kurt's a hottie!" and it's kind of sad that Karen can't just admit she's not attracted to Dorky Earmuffs, who, back in the hot tub, asks her if she's ever seen The Shining, because apparently he's stayed at that hotel. DE, here's a tip; you might want to write this down: when you're all alone with a woman in the middle of the woods in the middle of winter, don't suddenly bring up The Shining apropos of nothing, especially WHEN YOU'VE JUST PLACED SECOND IN AN AXE-THROWING CONTEST. Cut to interview in which DE scoffs about Karen feeling like they were "getting naked" when all they did was go for a Jacuzzi and a massage, which DE, shrugging, says is "no big deal," like if Karen can't handle his super-studly self, too bad for her. This guy's never going to need his penis again.
up is Rebekah and Troy's date, and they're going through the woods looking for a little stream to pan for gold. In an interview, Rebekah says it was really neat to meet someone from a different kind of life, like, so much for the "real" girl from L.A.; you'd think Troy was from Rwanda or somewhere the way she's going on about this "different kind of life" nonsense. Rebekah falls on her ass by the stream, and Troy helps her up. In an interview, Troy says he senses that Rebekah's been hurt before, and wants to go slow. Whatever. Rebekah blah blahs about all the outdoorsy things he does (clip of Troy flopping on his back and making a snow angel -- this guy is trying way too hard), then she says "he's an amazing father," and I'm really curious how she knows that. Oh, and Rebekah thinks, "He's a cutie, too."
It's Jim's turn to reflect on how he feels about Rebekah ditching him for the date, and all I can say is don't get too attached, buddy. And his toque is still cool.
Sideshow Brent says something about feeling slightly threatened, but he doesn't seem overly concerned. Cut to Sissie and Jack mountain-biking. In an interview, Jack (in glasses) says he was trying to get a reading off her. Then comes perhaps the funniest part of the entire show, as the two of them have this conversation (and Sissie is still short of breath even though they're going about two miles per hour):
Sissie: Do you play hockey?
Jack: ...No.
Sissie: Do you ever do yagga?
Jack: Yoga?
Sissie: Yeah.
Jack: No. [Sissie falls off her bike, Jack turns his head to look -- and falls off his bike.]
They could play this scene in an endless loop and I'd watch it ALL NIGHT and I would never fail to laugh when Sissie asks if Jack ever does "yagga." Interview with Sissie in which she praises Jack for expressing concern when she hit her head. First Brent is the nicest guy she's ever known; now it's a big deal that Jack showed her a basic level of human consideration when she hit her head? What kind of psychopaths has she dated, anyway? They walk the bikes down the rest of the way, and Sissie physically recoils when Jack tries to get a little closer in the back seat of the SUV. Sissie reveals that she didn't even want to go on the date in the first place, because she really likes Brent. She forgets that she was required to go on this date with Jack, because that gives her the power. Or something.
Later that night: the dates return to the lodge. "Men on Ice are Back in Play," says the screen. Back at the lodge, Brent's passing out flowers to all the guys to give to the bachelorettes, because, he explains, they've got to fight for their women. I would really like to know where Brent got his hands on five bunches of fresh flowers in the supposedly isolated Alaskan lodge in the woods. Jim says something about "rutting season" and "knocking horns."
The Men on Ice deliver their flowers to the women, who are already seated for dinner with the new guys, and the bachelorettes all coo variations of "that's so sweet!" Interview with Thad cracking up, saying he thought the whole flower thing was dorky. All I can say is that a guy appearing on a FOX "reality" show looking for a wife should know a thing or two about dorky. "It was a good try, I guess," he says. We see Rebekah creaming over her flowers and Jim explains that "girls love flowers" and he could tell Rebekah liked hers. For those of you not as skilled as Jim in interpreting body language, his clue that Rebekah liked the flowers came when he gave them to her and she yelled, "Yaaaay!" and started rocking in her seat. "It was definitely kudos for Jim," he says, suddenly referring to himself in the third person, which might be a defence mechanism used by victims of traumatic events, like he's dissociating himself with the Jim who decided to take part in this tragedy. You know, Jim's all right, but he's kind of an idiot. He starts going on about Rebekah, saying she's got that "rock 'n' roll attitude" about her, when Rebekah is about as far from rock 'n' roll as I can imagine. Jim says that they have a lot in common. Rebekah, asked what they have in common, can only come up with "We like food." Then she tries to make that better by saying, "We have nice conversations." Translation: I'm horny for someone else. Commercials.
After dinner, more mingling. Troy explains that he was spending a little time with Rebekah and she was spending a little time with all the guys as well, like, there's a clue for you, Troy. And indeed, we are treated to clips of Rebekah being friendly with all the other guys in the room as she explains in an interview that she didn't think the women had to hang out with just one guy, and I have to say, annoying or not, Rebekah isn't doing anything wrong by flirting with all of the guys, especially if the point of the game is to have your pick of all the men. ["And date a whole bunch of them in order to amass a lot of money, just like prostitutes do!" -- Wing Chun] Shot of Rebekah introducing herself to Dorky Earmuffs, who is trying really hard to look suave. Interview: DE says he and Rebekah made a connection when she sat to him and asked him for a massage. Oh, please tell me you're kidding. Please tell me you're not that big an idiot. God, he's serious: "It was like the person that was inside had dropped the barriers and had come out." My god. Clips of DE massaging Rebekah. He says she told him, "I want to marry you, I love you!" and then asked for another massage and he hopes that can continue and I don't consider myself a violent person by nature but I really think this guy would benefit from a severe beating.
Cut to a hilarious interview with Sissie, in which she floats the possibility that Rebekah's attention-seeking probably bothers "some of the other girls," especially when "they" are just trying to have a normal conversation and "she comes prancing in with some sort of need." Nice work by the editors to pair that little bit of textbook projection with a shot of Rebekah "prancing in" and talking to Brent while Sissie gives her the stink-eye.
1:30 AM. Kristian and Andrea leave to go back to Andrea's cabin. Rebekah scoots off with Jack, it looks like. Sideshow Brent and Sissie go to Sissie's cabin and snuggle under a blanket. In Andrea's cabin, Kristian tries to get a fire going in the stove while Andrea plays with her hair. We are treated to this erotically charged dialogue:
Andrea: I'm just watching you -- sorry.
Kristian: Don't be sorry.
Andrea: Well, sorry if it makes you uncomfortable...
Kristian: It doesn't.
I think he wanted to come across as affectionate, but he sounded kind of annoyed. They talk for a bit -- Andrea on a couch, Kristian on the floor. In an interview, Kristian says he can see they're slipping into that kind of "just physical relationship, because it's easy and fun. But I'm trying not to do that anymore." I'll say he's trying not to do that; they're barely in the same room at this point. Kristian gets up, says, "See you in the morning, my dear," grabs hold of her head with both hands, and kisses her good night. She sees him off at the door as his voice-over explains, "And I wasn't quite sure about my feelings, and so I kind of left it in an awkward spot." That "see you in the morning, my dear" manoeuvre leads me to believe that when he said, "I wasn't quite sure about my feelings," the editors removed "about women in general" at the end of it. He closes the door. Andrea wonders if Cecile's up and has some spare batteries.
Day 5. 10 AM. Rebekah's cabin. Karen's hanging out. What's with all the other women congregating at Rebekah's cabin? It's like they're latching on to the popular girl. Rebekah -- in black pants and a black bra -- is slathering on deodorant. There's a knock on the door. The women ask who it is; it's Troy. "Tell him I'm dressing," whispers Rebekah all conspiratorially, even though that appears to be exactly what she's doing. Karen dutifully goes to the door and does as Rebekah told her. Troy just came to drop off a journal for Rebekah so that she can keep track of her Alaskan memories. "Aww, that's so sweet!" squeals Karen, who might want to stop acting like she's in junior high. She takes the journal to Karen, singing, "You're getting a plea." They both go "Awwwww" and I almost have an aneurysm. Rebekah reads the inscription: "This little gift is so you'll remember me along with all the other great things about Alaska: Troy, Troy, Troy, Troy, Troy, Troy, Troy." And THEY BOTH GO "AWWWWW" again and maybe these women aren't married because they behave like they're about twelve years old, like maybe R. Kelly should be a Man on Ice; then you'd see some action. Commercials, thank God.
Rebekah says something about all the guys being nice but I couldn't hear because my ears are still filled with my own blood after my eardrums ruptured during that last "awwww!"
5:30 PM. Amazing shot of mountains rising over the clouds. The men and women trudge up to Proposal Point, the women in their costumes left over from From Russia with Love. Cut to Jim saying he thinks Rebekah will pick him because he's a man of confidence. I wasn't sure if he meant he thinks Rebekah likes confident guys, or that it's his confidence that leads him to think she'll choose him. Kurt explains that this is the last chance because either each guy will leave with his girl, or get sent home in yet another useless clip that doesn't add anything, just tells us something we already know.
7 PM. Santagati welcomes them all. When it was 5:30, you could see them arriving. They've been sitting there for an hour and a half just so they could shoot this in darkness for effect? Santagati explains again that this is where the women choose "who gets to stay in play and who gets sent away," and what a crappy variation on "voted off the island" that is. Santagati lists the original men on ice and then overdubbed AGAIN says, "These are the men you originally chose on the glacier," I guess for the benefit of anybody who might be confused, but it would behoove FOX to remember that the viewers of these shows are not as dumb as the contestants are. Then Santagati explains that each challenger will now make a plea to the woman of his choice, but I guess "the woman of [his] choice" wasn't clear enough because once again Santagati is dubbed in, explaining that each challenger can make a plea to any woman, even if he didn't go out on a date with her. The Men on Ice don't make a plea; they have to wait and watch. Kristian is making his "who farted?" face. Finally, Santagati says whomever a challenger chooses to make a plea to will get $2,000 in her dowry.
Thad goes first. For some reason, he picks Sissie, whose dowry now stands at $7,000. The two of them walk together to the Point, where -- with Brent watching -- Thad says he didn't talk to her all that much, but he "noticed [her] eye" or some such and apparently eavesdropped on her conversations with other people and so this afternoon when they had "free time," he made a basket from branches and he gives it to her and hopes there can be something between them. Sissie takes it and says "thanks" and calls it "beautiful" and it actually took me a long time to process this because I kept thinking, "Basket? He made a basket?" and finally I just yelled, "WHAT IS THIS BASKET NONSENSE?!" at the screen.
Jack's up. He picks Rebekah. Dowry: $9,000. They go up to the point, where Jack gets down on one knee and Rebekah starts giggling. Shot of the other women getting kind of squinty as Jack recites some kind of bad poetry thing: "When I first saw you, your eyes sparkled like the stars and reminded me of deep, dark pools of calm water and your hair reminded me of a raven soaring in the Alaskan sky" and I thought I'd purged all the tortellini earlier, but how wrong I was. Jack pleads with her to keep him there, and says that if she does, he would love to share a bottle of champagne with her (which he's holding). She thanks him. "Very nice," says Santagati.
Dorky Earmuffs's turn. "My plea is to Rebekah," he says. Pan of the remaining women, none of whom is even bothering to fake smile, since Rebekah's dowry is up to $11,000.
Okay. What follows is one of the saddest scenes ever witnessed on television, and not sad like "Colonel Blake dying on M*A*S*H" sad but...well, actually, I don't think there is any actual television precedent for this sort of patheticness. DE says he thought about writing a poem or doing something special but decided to make a plea from his heart. Jim looks like he's ready to bust up laughing. DE takes Rebekah's hands and begs her to choose him and talks about their supposed connection again. "Besides," he continues, suddenly adopting a pouty voice that always makes women hot, "you won't get any more massages if I leave," because he's so sure Rebekah wouldn't just ask, hmmm, I don't know, ANY OTHER GUY for a massage. At any rate, I would like to congratulate DE on being the first person on this show to lose every last shred of dignity. He's such toast. Even Karen's laughing at him.
Troy's turn. I wonder whom he'll pick. When he says, "Rebekah" (dowry: $13,000), Andrea looks stricken and Jim just hangs his head. Troy lists the reasons Rebekah should keep him, including the fact that he's thrown axes for her (well, one axe, anyway), and he's given her money (which I'm guessing he says to a lot of women he dates. Aw. I'm kidding. Despite Troy's mullet, he seems all right, if a little eager). He gives Rebekah flowers and a bottle of champagne, like two of these guys figure they ought to get Rebekah drunk, and the third guy doesn't count since he's clearly a virgin. Troy's plea actually takes forever as he blathers on and on about how beautiful she is inside and out. (Insert your own joke here about how he knows how beautiful she is inside. Heh. "Insert.")
Decision time. Sissie stands in front of Thaddeus and Brent as Santagati says she now chooses who stays and who leaves, followed by the eightieth overdubbing this episode -- like, I'd suggest for the drinking game "drink every time Santagati's lines are overdubbed," but I'd rather not be indirectly responsible for killing all of this show's viewers when they die of alcohol poisoning -- in which he says, "Remember, one of these men could become your husband." No surprise here: Sissie calls Thaddeus charming and appreciates the basket, but says, "I have eyes for Brent." Brent looks relieved but not overly so. I suspect he wasn't super-worried. Thad is sent back to sit with the other men.
Now it's Rebekah's turn since half the guys up there are hers to choose from. Even as she dismisses them, she lays it on thick and says that with all sincerity, she feels a connection with all of them; then she chooses Jack, and tries to pretend it's a tough choice for her. Jack looks pleased. He and Rebekah link arms and trot off as the Rebekah Rejects sit back down.
The three remaining women -- all of whom have received no pleas and who look really unimpressed with the whole thing so far -- are asked if any of them wants to replace her man on ice with one of the four rejects. Not surprisingly -- since each of these guys wanted Rebekah or Sissie instead of them -- the remaining bachelorettes gather up their original Men on Ice.
Santagati banishes the leftover dudes with a full-body pointing gesture, swiveling his entire body as much as any Olympic discus thrower, and tells them it's time for them to leave. Then he addresses the five couples: "Well, ladies, once again, you've staked claims. And gentlemen, you have another week to get to know the woman that could be your wife. So have a great night, and good luck." ["Again with the poor syntax. Aw, who cares." -- Wing Chun]
week -- we get a whole lot more Cecile; looks like Kristian and Andrea have sex; people fight; there are sled dogs; and that chunky guy says, "This is dramaville." Non-stop FOX!