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This week starts where last week left off, with Nico denying she knows (or has sexually harassed) Kirby Atwood. Company head Hector buys her denial and puts the company's lawyers on the case, and they draw up a statement for Nico to sign that paints Kirby as a predator. Nico tells the girls about all of this, and gets support mixed with concern from Wendy, and anger and hurt from Victory. Not wanting to ruin Kirby's life by signing the statement, Nico tracks him down and finds out that it was her work rival, Mike, who put him up to making the claim. Meanwhile, Nico begins to suspect that husband Charles may be putting in some extra office hours with a pretty grad student, and ponders how she likes them apples.
When Wendy's not having heart-to-hearts with Nico, she's devoting all her attention to the premiere of her new pet project, a film about 1930s India that she wants to turn into a hit. All her hopes are pinned on a blowout premiere party, and she gives Victory the task of designing a fabulous dress for the movie's star to wear. This collaboration leads Wendy and Victory to fight over the design of the dress, and over Wendy's alleged patronizing attitude toward Victory. Worse, the starlet gets drunk on the night of the premiere and takes the wheel of her limo in an attempt to run over her cheating rock star ex. No one even sees the dress -- that is, until Wendy leads the booked-and-printed star out of the prison and in front of the TV news reporters, who naturally want to know what the actress is wearing. The publicity ought to be good for Victory, and Sal (Wendy's assistant) hopes it will be good for the India movie, too.
Meanwhile, Joe's trying reasonably hard to be a decent boyfriend, so that's another victory for Victory. Shane and Wendy are having no problems in the bedroom (nor in the laundry room, for that matter). And Nico...well, Nico ends the episode by going home with Kirby. So she may have missed an opportunity to learn from this experience. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: A lot happened, all of which I have already covered. I prefer a quick montage at the top of the episode to lots of creaky exposition throughout, but these sequences try to pack so much information into such a short time that they leave me feeling dizzy, and I saw all of this the first time around! The important thing about this one is that we revisit Victory's Mildred Pierce line. Never liked her better.
That done, we pick right back up in Hector's office, with Nico in the hot seat, lying that she's not sure whether she's ever met Kirby Atwood. Why, then, is he complaining of sexual harassment? Oh, you know how those things are; Nico pinches so many assistants' asses, one of them was bound to complain sooner or later. This is essentially Nico's story -- that it's possible that she accidentally offended some photo-shoot peon -- and in spite of the fact that she has gone completely white and can't quite make eye contact, and in spite of the fact that she very recently came close to losing her job because Hector felt she couldn't be trusted to act in the company's best interests, Hector believes her now. In fact, he's a total pushover, concurring, "People like us are easy targets." If I may: Hector is obviously an easy target, but Nico is mostly just "easy." Gullible Hector promises, "We'll investigate the claim. If needs be, we'll tap into a slush fund we have set aside for this sort of thing." He gives Nico a reassuring smile. Do you get the feeling Hector has sent his share of inappropriate text messages to interns? Now, he says, he wants valuable Nico to get back to her important work without distraction. Nico, stunned to find herself off the hook (and after she worked so very hard to get caught!), sits there staring and thinking, "...That was a freebie." (Yes, I have to watch this show, but sometimes my brain prefers to pretend it's watching Arrested Development, and I won't apologize for that.)
In a Parador screening room, the gals are just finishing up a showing of Wendy's new pet project, Bombay Highway. Wendy wants Victory and Nico to give her their honest opinions of the movie, which should not be influenced in the least by the fact that she absolutely loves it and really, really wants other people to like it, too. Victory bites first, saying that she loved the clothes. Oh, that Victory -- so flaky/dedicated to her craft (pick one)! Nico responds more thoughtfully, saying that she thinks the film is well made and a potential hit. She doesn't look like she means it, so either she's doing a typically bad job with the lies or she's just thinking about something else. Maybe both, but definitely the latter; once the opinion-giving is out of the way, Nico blurts, "I'm sleeping with a twenty-five-year-old." The other girls are surprised, to say the least. Wendy's irritating assistant Josh (am I supposed to think he's funny? Cute? Incompetent? Will the show ever tell me?) knocks on the door to remind her of her 5:00 conference call, but she shoos him away, snapping, "Can't you see I'm in a meeting?" Aw, she calls it a "meeting" when she's just gossiping with her girlfriends. Just like Kristy from The Baby-Sitters Club. When Josh has gone, Wendy asks Nico whether Charles knows about her affair. Nico says that he never will: "It's over. ...Unless you count the sexual harassment suit." On hearing this, Victory proposes alcohol. 5:00 might be conference-call time, but it's also happy hour, am I right, gals?!
...So the BFFs gather at a bar, and Nico tells them how "fantastic" and "amazing" her fling with Kirby has been. Wendy wants to hear what it's like to have sex with someone new after so many years with the same person: "How do you make that leap of faith with a stranger?" I'm not sure how "faith" comes into it. Kirby's interest in having sex with Nico was never ambiguous. Unless she's referring to Nico's faith that Kirby wouldn't try to sue her later, which was obviously misplaced. Victory wants to know what took Nico so long to share, since they "tell each other everything" -- like which boys they have crushes on, and whether they got their first period yet, and how many R-rated movies they've seen, OMG! In fairness, I will admit that the ensuing exchange is pretty funny. Victory: "I tell you guys about things that I'm afraid to show my dermatologist!" Wendy: "You still haven't had that looked at?" The Brooke has a way with a punchline, what can I say. Something about the note of genuine concern and the mouthful of bar nuts just made that delivery work. Nico says she didn't tell them about Kirby because she was hoping to avoid the inevitable judgment. Victory is upset because she has lost her "role models for the perfect marriage," and she also contends that by waiting this long to share the news, Nico has cheated on her friends as well as her husband. (Again, they hang out with Victory why? Is it her maturity?) Victory is angry, Wendy is hurt, and Nico is now hurt and angry that they are, respectively, angry and hurt.
Outside, Nico wraps up the tale of how things went south with Kirby. She can't understand why he would want to hurt her after they'd been "so intimate." Wendy explains that, being twenty-five, Kirby has "nothing to lose," and points out that what Nico and Kirby shared was not "intimacy," but rather nudity: "There's a difference. Intimacy is what you have with Charles." Looks like Wendy is over her admiration for Nico's spirit of adventure. Victory wants to know what will happen with Charles; she thinks Nico should tell him the truth, but Nico and Wendy agree that it would only make things worse. Wendy adds that calling Kirby for an explanation would also make things worse. As Nico and Victory hug, Wendy hails a cab, which she encourages Nico to take. Nico guesses correctly that Victory and Wendy want a chance to gossip about her. Wendy assures her that this won't happen, but of course that's exactly what they do as soon as the cab door closes. Women! Can't live with 'em, can't make TV shows without relying on stereotypical notions about 'em! In the course of said gossip, Victory guesses that there must be something going on besides just great sex with Kirby, because she herself would never jeopardize a marriage for sex alone. Wendy, accidentally condescending, tells Vic she can't truly understand what Nico's going through without being married herself. Then Wendy hops in a cab, leaving Victory feeling stung.
When Wendy gets home, she finds Shane in the laundry closet, sorting socks. After the evening's conversation, she is primed to appreciate how lucky she is to have a hot and faithful husband who puts the kids to bed while she's out having post-work drinks with her bestest girlfriends that she hasn't seen since they all went shopping at lunch. So she basically jumps Shane on the spot, and they proceed quickly to laundry-room sex that, honestly, I think the show could have cut away from long before it actually did. I didn't need to see their underpants fall around their ankles to get that intercourse was imminent.
Victory, at home, opens the door to find Joe standing outside, pursing his lips at her. He wonders if they're "okay," or if he needs to show his devotion by "join[ing] the posse for Boggle night." Oh, come on, like Victory is smart enough for Boggle. She rolls her eyes and says, "Don't be an ass." Too bad she's saying it four episodes too late! "For now, I'm willing to see my friends on my own time," she concedes, without adding that friend-time will have to be her #1 priority if she wants to avoid allegations of cheating from her GFs. When you roll with the Lipstick Jungle Patrol, you gotta step up. Now Victory wants to know why Joe has never been married. He gives her some business-talk-y explanation of how he doesn't like to enter into "merger negotiations" unless he's satisfied that they will lead to a lifetime investment. If Victory were looking for insight into Joe's emotional capacity, she'd probably be repulsed, but fortunately she was just looking for a good answer she could steal and use as her own. So she accepts this response and moves into the making-out portion of the evening. (Apparently Joe doesn't categorize sex as a "merger negotiation.")
Nico arrives home, where husband Charles inquires as to how her day went, although he doesn't look up from his work until he notices that she hasn't answered. "Fine," she tells him, with her back to him. Lies push them further and further apart every day!
Exciting new development in the theme-song-lyric puzzle: This week our unnamed CaptionMax captioner provides an entirely different translation! It's much wussier than Brian-from-CaptionMax's attempt last week's; whole lines, including the one where I think the singer says "Take your shirt off," are omitted (with little music notes filling the space). And the final couplet is rendered as "Let's break out/When the sun is shining," which seems at least as likely as last week's "Let's freak out/Work the sunshine." Curiouser and curiouser. (Ironically, the song seems to be titled "Read My Lips." Would that we could, breathy female vocalist. Would that we could.)
Wendy, encouraged by Nico's comments about her pet project, is determined to make a big hit out of Bombay Highway -- or at least to give it a shot at the big time, rather than restricting it to the "art-house crowd," as trusty guy-Friday Sal recommends. Money is tight, he reminds her, and her last arty project flopped; she contends that failure was due to lame publicity. Sal points out that blowing a lot of money on a bomb will be bad for Wendy's reputation as a studio head. Wendy is committed to the project.
Hector calls another quick meeting with Nico -- he, and the lawyer handling the harassment case, inform her that Kirby has turned down their generous settlement offer. Hector asks, again, whether there is any truth to Kirby's allegations, and Nico's not-very-convincing denial is good enough to satisfy him. He tells the lawyer to protect the company's assets at all costs. Nico gulps.
Dinnertime at the Healy house involves delivery -- from three completely different restaurants! (Bo-oing!) Wendy comments that she wishes they could agree on a single take-out place. I know! Don't you hate it when you plan one menu for dinner, and then your kids make you change it? If only there were some way for parents to override their underage children's whims! Shane makes a joke about how globalization is "bad for the planet" but "great for leftovers." Keep talking, guys; this is all fodder for my "Wendy Healy Is a Bad Mom Who Doesn't Recycle" roman à clef. Anyway, family dinner also happens in front of the TV, of course, so they're in the right spot to catch Chloe Jamison, the star of Bombay Highway, promoting the film on TV in front of a large movie poster that was probably designed by the same prop-department hack who came up with last week's book jacket. Chloe is a vapid blonde starlet who can hardly complete a thought, so answering that the film was shot very far away is all the "promoting" she can handle. The interviewer moves on to asking about Chloe's rock star boyfriend, "Deegan," and her red-carpet dress plans. Wendy has a brainstorm. She grabs the phone to call Victory, whom we find trying out a pink muslin jacket pattern on Roy. I am in love with the tiles in Victory's kitchen, so I for one am glad she does most of her work there. It holds my attention during scenes set at Victory's house. Wendy shares her idea: what if Victory were to design a fabulous gown for Chloe to wear on the red carpet at the film premiere? Victory is all over the idea -- and, of course, the guaranteed press coverage.
When Nico gets to work the morning, she finds the lawyer from the meeting with Hector waiting in her office. Lawyer Lady tells Nico that a witness has surfaced who saw Kirby and Nico talking at that preposterous launch party way back in Episode 1, and was still watching when Kirby followed Nico into the ladies' room. Nico couldn't talk her way out of this if she tried, but fortunately she doesn't have to try: the lawyer has prepared a statement claiming Kirby made an unwanted sexual advance. She assures Nico that signing it will make Kirby "go away": "He'll be lucky if he doesn't have to register as a sex offender and leave the state." Wouldn't that be droll! Incidentally, this lawyer's outfit is seriously unfabulous. I know she's not the EiC of Bonfire magazine or anything, but is a flattering suit too much to ask? Why would Nico take legal advice from a woman in a white t-shirt and a peachy orange blazer too short for her frame? The lawyer leaves, and Nico tries to choose between two evils: signing her name to the statement o' lies, or calling her boy toy. She goes with Option B, but when Kirby answers the call from "Restricted," Nico hangs up.
Victory and Roy go shopping for fabrics at "Om Saree Palace." The store's sign abbreviates "et cetera" as "ect." Finally, something that looks authentic! Designer and assistant are debating the merits of various sari patterns when a frumpy-looking woman enters the store. Victory, hiding behind rack of fabrics, identifies the woman as Lana Tamborelli, a fashion journalist who gave Victory's last show a lousy review. (Didn't they all?) "The headline of her review said 'Ms. Ford is running on an empty tank,'" grouses Victory. Oh, come on! That is so much better than "No Victory for Victory"! Now poor victimized Vic wants to slink out of the store unnoticed, but Roy isn't about to let his boss undersell herself. He strides over to the rack where Lana is "looking for something to cover arm fat" (hee) and loudly asks "Miss Ford" whether she thinks salmon silk will suit Chloe Jamison on the red carpet. (Roy, you have so much to learn. That color doesn't suit anyone. That's why they call it "salmon" -- to make it sound as ugly as it looks.) Lana spots Victory and greets her like an old pal, so they air-kiss and exchange superficial pleasantries and veiled professional barbs. Still, Lana is impressed by Vic's new gig. I wish I had a Roy. He'd probably come in handy at my upcoming college reunion.
On an elevator at the Matrick-Verner building (where, I guess, Bonfire and Parador both have their offices), Wendy tells Nico that Chloe Jamison jumped at the idea of wearing a Victory Ford original. Then she studies her friend's face and guesses that Nico called Kirby. Nico doesn't give any details of the unanswered phone call, but she does tell Wendy about the statement she's been asked to sign that makes Kirby out to be a "predator," resolving, "I can't destroy someone else's life just to save my own." And the lies! Don't forget about the web of lies! Wendy counters, "How about to save your marriage?"
We transition to the scene with an aerial shot of Central Park, looking south from about 112th Street. I can't help noticing that the trees look awfully green and full considering that it's still winter. Maybe the editors are trying to disorient us so we'll think that the diner where Nico is meeting Charles for lunch is way uptown somewhere, rather than along 3rd Avenue in the 20s. "What brings you all the way up here?" asks Charles. Why, where does Nico work, Staten Island? Nico tells Charles she missed him, and he jokes about the lecture he just finished, but before they can get too lovey-dovey, they are interrupted by a frantic young woman who calls Charles "Professor" and barrages him with excuses for why her history paper is late. Silver-haired Professor Reilly is a mensch about it, calming her down and accepting the paper without question. The student, Megan, gazes at him with sparkling, adoring blue eyes. Then she glances at Nico. Charles looks a bit embarrassed to have to introduce his wife, but that could just be because he hates saying "Nico" out loud. God knows I would. He adds, "Megan is one of my most promising grad students, when she gets more than two hours' sleep a night" -- an observation that will sound much creepier in retrospect. Megan beams at Nico, telling her what a lucky woman she is, before scampering off to Anthropologie to blow her stipend on more trendy accessories. When Megan has gone, Nico comments on Charles's kindness, and he amps up the creepy with his reply: "She's not the first to hand in something late. You still owe me a paper on Thomas Paine, I believe." Ew, Nico was once his student! Ew ew ew! That explains so much. But still, ew. Charles gets up from the table to "go check the specials" -- which, in my restaurant experience, it is seldom necessary to do. Maybe that's his euphemism for using the restroom. On the way to "check the specials" he runs into a young man with whom he has a brief, collegial exchange. Nico watches thoughtfully. Then she opens the folder she's brought with her and signs the Kirby-tried-to-attack-me statement. I'm not sure the signature is valid, though, because she definitely writes "Nicu." Somebody needs to practice her lowercase O!
Before we cut to the actual commercials, we see something I'm not sure I've ever seen on a fully scripted show before -- a teaser for the second half. "Coming up!" Like, "Please don't change the channel! We promise it gets better!" The other funny thing about this ad break is that it includes two commercials that feature young people leaping from high buildings (one for JC Penney and one for Snapple), and in both cases there's an onscreen disclaimer: "Do not attempt." Says something about the presumed intelligence level of Lipstick's audience, doesn't it?
After the break, Roy announces that Joe has arrived to see Victory. She is so intent on her work that she doesn't even look up from the sewing machine. Joe -- Mr. My-Work-Day-Is-So-Grueling -- has come to take Victory to lunch, but she's not interested; for a change, she's the one consumed by her career! There's an uncomfortable tension in the room, because after Joe throws his coat and scarf in Roy's face (quite literally), Roy is in no mood to laugh at Joe's icky insinuations about how many "spectacular dresses" Joe has had the pleasure of removing. Victory shows Joe the dress she has put together for Chloe, and Joe makes the mistake of calling it "cute." As it's supposed to be an evening gown for a sexy young star, "cute" is not the word Victory wanted to hear (even though it's the nicest word anyone could apply to this shiny, gold, strapless mess). Back to the kitchen table she goes, to start cutting some orangey metallic fabric. Looks like Joe is going to need that coat and scarf back.
At Bonfire, near the elevators, Nico runs into Mike, who suavely name-checks this show's major cosmetics-company sponsor as he makes pleasant work-related small talk. Nico is suspicious, of course, but Mike says he just wanted to give her a compliment: "Weren't you the one who came up with the whole Jake-Gyllenhaal-shirtless-on-the-beach concept?" Pardon me, Mike, but I believe I'm the one who came up with that concept. Repeatedly. I never made any money from it, either. Nico falls for Mike's innocent act, so she's caught off-guard when he remarks that she must be looking forward to the shoot. "Excuse me?" says Nico, and Mike replies, "Well, you like the young ones, right?" He winks and walks away, leaving Nico to wonder whether that was just a really good guess.
In her office at Parador, Wendy is working hard planning the big Bombay Highway premiere party. Fire-eaters! Elephants! She wants the whole Indian culture shebang. Sal thinks she's going overboard with the expenses. He also points out that event planning isn't part of her job. But Wendy is set on making sure this movie gets the promotional push it deserves, owing to her quaint notion that a movie studio's job is to "help audiences find the good ones." Sal may be right to worry about Wendy's job security. Wendy avoids further questioning by rushing out to Victory's to check on Chloe's dress-in-progress.
Nico chews out Hector and the Lawyer Lady for not protecting the company secrets like they said they would. How did Mike find out about the lawsuit? Hector suggests that perhaps Nico's "accuser" has been spreading the news himself. Aha.
Wendy arrives at Victory's, but stops to check her ringing phone before she gets a look at the dress design. Victory asks if the call (or text or whatever it was) came from Nico, and Wendy says no, but they go on to talk about Nico anyway. Victory says that she feels too "weird" about the whole situation to talk to Nico at all, and she doesn't know how she'll be able to face Charles. It freaks Victory out to think about how Nico stands to lose everything. "She can't lose us too," Wendy resolves. Finally, the dress is unveiled -- we don't see it, but Wendy does, and now it's her turn to be freaked out. Bo-oing! (In this case, for extra comic effect, you should imagine the sound of a sitar string breaking instead of a tympani hit.)
Kirby is at a bar, sloppily pouring shots, when Nico drops in to see him. He works there now, you see, and he's bitter about this change in career. Nico has come to talk sense into him, but he's not concerned about the repercussions of the lawsuit. Finally, Nico deduces that Mike told Kirby that Nico was a serial dater and dumper of underlings, leaving Kirby feeling used and vindictive. Nico is shocked that Kirby trusts the obviously slimy Mike Harness's word against hers. Kirby doesn't have an answer for that, and anyway, his boss yells at him to get back to work at just that point. Kirby asks Nico to leave, muttering, "I seem to lose jobs when you're around." Poor baby.
Another ad break begins with...another teaser for the rest of the show! Just like on Wife Swap! Followed by another of those stupid ads where the Maybelline guy tells you how to get Victory's look. Let me guess: by using Maybelline products?
In Victory's kitchen workroom, Chloe tries on her dress. "This looks different from the last fitting," she sulks. "It's not as sexy." That explains the juvenile jacket over the bodice. I like the dress, though. I even like the orange-on-orange patterned fabric. The only problem is that it looks awful on this particular actress. Her skin and hair are about six shades too light for that color, and I know she's not in her red-carpet makeup now, but still, the contrast with her lipstick is making me queasy. I'm beginning to wonder whether Victory is supposed to be a terrible designer. Is that the point? Because if not, the casting, makeup, and wardrobe people on this show really need to talk to each other. "Whatever," Chloe moans, "nothing looks good on me right now!" Well, nothing pale orange, anyway. Chloe asks for the bathroom (I guess she needs to "check on the specials"), and when she's gone, Roy asks what Chloe's so irritable about. Victory explains that Chloe and Deegan have just broken up, and Chloe thinks Deegan may have been cheating. Roy also asks what happened to the dress, and Victory gripes that Wendy thought the original design was "too revealing." Methinks Wendy may not be the person you want planning your red-carpet premiere after all! Roy reminds Victory that she, not Wendy, is the designer here. You'd think Vic would have figured out by now that she ought to listen to Roy. He leaves, and Chloe stomps back into the kitchen, distraught because she just got a call from Deegan. Now she's threatening to skip the premiere. Victory naturally advises her not to do this; she tries explaining that "the best revenge is showing up and looking fabulous," but Chloe's not looking for revenge; she wants to reconcile. So Victory orders her to call Deegan back and hear him out. "Sometimes what you don't say ends up hurting you more than what you do," says Victory, trying feebly to make a connection between Chloe's celebrity relationship and Nico's marital issues. Chloe turns back to the mirror and frowns at her reflection, tugging at the front of the dress and whining, "Can't we just show a little more?" Victory lies that the look is perfect just as it is, insisting, "The jacket really makes it." Way to chicken out, Victory.
At the office, Wendy gets some last-minute party updates from Josh. He fills her in about the Chloe-Deegan split, and also informs her that there's a problem with the gift bags that could lead to a PETA protest. Wendy tells him to "gather the interns" and fix the gift bags. He protests, "We don't have interns!" Please. This is Manhattan! Hot-dog carts have interns! Wendy retorts, "Well, then, you'll have to use both hands." Nobody in the scene responds, so I'll have to do it myself: that's what she said!
Alone in her office, Nico spends quality time with a bottle of champagne and a coffee mug. Wendy swings by, looking for jewelry advice, so Nico pours a second mug of bubbly while she gives Wendy an update on the Kirby situation. Wendy advocates going to Hector and telling the truth, but Nico is afraid that Hector might not appreciate the straight talk, given that it would uncover Nico's long string of brazen, self-serving lies. She also points out that, in a legal sense, the true story of her liaison with Kirby still adds up to "sexual harassment." The sentimental music starts to play as Wendy moves closer for a heart-to-heart. "Remember that day in the park, when you asked us about whether it was fair to expect everything from one person?" she begins. What's this "in the park" stuff? They had that conversation on a sidewalk, if I remember correctly. Possibly near a park, but definitely not in one. (And I do remember correctly, because they were walking arm-in-arm, three abreast, along said sidewalk, and I remember thinking how much I hate it when people form barriers across the entire sidewalk like that.) Wendy says she's been thinking about that conversation ever since, and she thinks the reason she has never strayed from Shane is that whatever he can't give her, she gets from her friendship with Nico. (At no time during this chat does Victory's name ever come up, by the way. Nobody says, "Boy, I wish Victory were here.") Kim Raver tries her best to simulate crying as Nico finally resolves to face the consequences, and to talk to Charles before someone else does.
Victory's doing her makeup and watching (and teasing me with) an old movie at home when Wendy calls to check in. Exasperated Vic confirms that the changes to the dress have been made, and that Chloe "is wearing the vest" -- it's not so much a "vest" as it is a "jacket," though, is it? "When the party's over, we can give her outfit to Condoleezza!" Victory snarks. At least Condoleezza might be able to wear it without looking like her skin is the color of a winter squash, Victory. Wendy really wants to know whether Chloe is freaking out over her breakup with Deegan, and Victory assures her that the two lovebirds have been on the phone patching things up for the past hour. Then she hangs up (angry that Wendy didn't say "thank you") and goes into the other room, where she finds Chloe not on the phone, as she expected, but on the floor, rooting through Victory's liquor cabinet. "Where's your damn bourbon?!" Chloe wails. She didn't talk to Deegan because another woman answered his phone, so she has apparently been drowning her sorrows in Victory's booze ever since. Ruh-roh.
The Reillys are getting dressed for the premiere -- Nico, wearing another one of her aluminum-foil outfits, offers to help Charles with his tie, and they nearly end up kissing. Then the phone rings and Charles moves to answer it, saying, "It's probably the dean." If you're ever looking to get out of an uncomfortably sexy situation, that line is pretty much guaranteed to work. But in this case, it's not the dean, it's Megan! The grad student from the diner! She's calling to thank Charles again for "being so amazing." Charles lunges for the machine when he hears Megan's voice, and then, having hit the "mute" button, nervously denies giving students his home phone number. Nico looks thoughtful. Just how generous is Charles being, anyway? Is this why he's willing to let her out of his sight?
Wendy, in her own silvery eveningwear, is on the phone with Victory getting a Chloe-drunkenness update. Victory is wearing a funky purple dress that would look far better on Chloe -- they should switch. Not that it matters, since Wendy wants Victory to bring drunk Chloe into the premiere through the side entrance, skipping the potential for humiliation on the red carpet. Naturally, Victory is not a fan of this idea. Wendy, losing patience, begs Victory to do as she's told, which is another thing Victory doesn't like.
Everyone brings his or her issues to the premiere party. Charles jokes that he depends on Nico to keep an eye on what he's eating, so that he doesn't end up with heartburn like he has now. Nico just looks at him with sad eyes. She is cheered (and puzzled) by the approach of Hector, bearing news that Kirby has dropped the charges against her. (They have this conversation out of Charles's earshot, of course.) Hector muses about what Kirby's motivations might have been, and Nico wisely remains silent and maintains her poker face until Hector tells her to enjoy the party and moves on. When Nico returns to Charles, he announces his intention to leave early -- that darn heartburn! -- but insists that Nico stay to support Wendy. Nico is in too good a mood to be very suspicious.
Hector's stop is Wendy, to congratulate her on the "smashing party." Wendy is trying to convince him that the box office will benefit when Josh -- dressed as though he thought this was a costume party and came as a 1950s country singer -- starts tugging at her elbow. Wendy excuses herself, and Josh points her toward the red carpet, where Victory and Chloe are sitting in a limo. Chloe, drunk as a skunk (but now in the cheerful stage), is set to humiliate herself in front of the press, and Wendy is set on preventing exactly that. She instructs the driver to pull around to the side, but he's blocked in and can't comply. Then, for some reason, he gets out of the car. Wendy squeezes herself into the back seat and begins to chew Victory out, so Victory yells back that Wendy doesn't respect her opinion: "I am tired of being talked down to like I'm the baby sister!" Oh, come on, Vic, you're not the baby sister. You're more like the slutty roommate. The girls take their fight outside the car and onto the red carpet, where it could provide lots more tabloid fodder than Wendy's two-second crying jag outside Janice Lasher's office. But the paparazzi turn their attention to Deegan, Chloe's ex, who has just stepped onto the carpet with his new gal pal. Chloe sticks her head out the window and spots Deegan, which sends her into a rage. Wendy hardly notices, because she's busy preparing her winning play for the Most Contrived Attempt to Link Episode Plotlines Award: "Forgive me if I can't trust everyone to do the right thing right now," she snaps. "There are a few people in my life that are paying big-time for making some really stupid decisions." Even Victory finds that line ridiculous, and says so. Neither one realizes that Chloe has taken the wheel of the limo until it lurches out of its space, smashing into several other vehicles as Chloe tries to aim it toward Deegan on the runway. (You may recall this scene from the episode's many promos, including the ones that aired within the last half-hour.) A collision with a passing taxi ends Chloe's adventure. Unhurt, and possibly sobered up, she lowers her forehead to the steering wheel as the photographers surround the car.
After the ads (which include a commercial for one of those horrifying direct-to-DVD "movies" "starring" "Barbie" -- are six-year-old girls watching this show?!), Wendy's at the jail with wayward Chloe, who's looking more like Courtney Love every minute. Wendy is on her cell phone, complaining to Sal that Chloe might be charged with DUI, which Wendy seems to feel is too severe. I know -- I mean, she only almost killed a few people, and most of them were photographers anyway! Josh calls, so Wendy answers her other line to ask how the premiere went. Josh, still in that ridiculous bolo tie, is too caught up in the afterparty to provide a satisfying answer. Sal, who's back at Parador coordinating emergency PR efforts, is excited about the publicity this whole disaster might bring to the film. Wendy is less cheerful.
Joe rings the doorbell at Victory's place, bearing champagne in order to celebrate Victory's "return from the dead" (by which he means the end of her brief bout of employment). Victory doesn't feel like celebrating, since her dress wasn't seen -- plus she fought with Wendy. "I acted like a spoiled child," she admits. That's just what Joe likes about Victory, so he gives her a nice big hug.
At the police station, Chloe, now mostly sober, makes an ill-timed bid for a role in Parador's upcoming Jane Austen project. You know what the world doesn't need? Another Jane Austen-themed movie. But they don't seem to be going anywhere, do they? That's why, as soon as this recap is finished, I'm going to work on punching up my Northanger Abbey screenplay. (It's set in the future!) A cop tells Chloe she's free to go, and recommends the back exit, since the press has gathered at the front. Now Wendy calls in a favor and asks Chloe if she'd use the front door instead. Chloe is all for it, especially after Wendy disposes of that silly, girlish jacket. Now at least the cut of the gown is flattering, even if the color still looks hideous. Outside, Chloe does a perp-strut down the stairs, and of course the reporters want to know who she's wearing. As Chloe and Wendy both shout, "Victory Ford!," we cut to Vic and Joe, curled up on the couch, watching the whole thing unfold on TV.
At home with the Healys: Wendy and Shane share a sweet moment in the kitchen, and then Wendy receives a "thank you/I'm sorry" text from Victory. Actually, it says "thank u," which is something Victory might want to examine when she's thinking about why Wendy treats her like a baby sister.
Nico drops by Kirby's bar, again, just as he's locking up. She wants to know why he dropped the charges. He responds with silence, and his most pathetic puppy-dog face. Nico tries Hector's question: "What do you want, Kirby?" And he shrugs and says, "You." Nico falls hard for that. After a long silence, she takes Kirby's hand, and they walk off, presumably headed for a romp on Kirby's secondhand mattress in his grungy East Village walkup. Romance! Glamour! This show has it all!