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Looks like Page Six couldn't improve on "Tsunami for Bad Mommy": they run the headline, and the photo, from Janice the very day Wendy is scheduled to speak at a Women in Media luncheon. Hoping for some mother-daughter bonding time, Wendy brings Maddie along to the luncheon, which turns out to be a bad call: a pushy manager/mom at the Healys' table suggests that Maddie is being used for publicity. Maddie storms out in a huff. And Janice watches the whole thing with a sneer. Can you blame a certain Mommy for writing "BITCH" across the back of Janice's white fur, in red lipstick? Wendy and Maddie patch things up, but it's Nico who truly saves the day, forcing Janice to back off by commissioning a retaliatory tell-all book from Janice's assistant.
Nico could use some saving herself: she tries to cool it with Kirby, (finally) realizing the dangers of indiscretion. In the process, she manages to get Kirby fired from his assistant gig -- but he doesn't want the money she offers to help him stay afloat. Instead, he goes to her company alleging sexual harassment. We have reason to believe that Mike Harness, Nico's #1 rival, is behind this big surprise.
Victory may or may not have broken up with Joe this week. On the one hand, he did sweep her away to Paris, where he banged her in Coco Chanel's old digs. But on the other hand, he met Wendy and Nico and didn't fall instantly in love or petition to be admitted to their midmorning shopping trips. So he obviously doesn't really get Victory's world. He says he just doesn't like small talk; she thinks she wants a relationship that's more than just a spectacular highlights reel. Will she and Joe stay together? Who knows, but I hope Victory hangs on to Roy, her eager and competent new assistant. He looks like he could kick Reese's ass. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Kirby sweet-talked Nico, making her question her husband's devotion; Nico told off misogynist coworker Mike a bit too dramatically; Victory sniffled about needing to be "saved," prompting Joe to respond, "What makes you think I'm saving you?" (The impact of that line is here blunted by a sloppy edit that has Sal, Wendy's colleague, talking over it as he breaks the news about former nanny Mariska's tell-all book.) In the wake of this, Shane insisted that Wendy is a "wonderful mother"; and, finally, Janice sent a photo of Wendy brushing away a tear to Page Six.
Nico is smiling in her sleep, because she's having a sexy dream about Kirby -- she even includes that nonsense with the fruit, God bless her -- until her husband wakes her up. Did you hear that? He called her "Nicki"! Does that mean I don't have to call her "Nico," either? Because it sounds so dumb it hurts to type it. Anyway, since she's in the mood, Nico/Nicki decides to try loving the one she's with, but Charles blows her off: "I've already showered." Aw, we don't have to use the fruit this time! It was just an idea! Then Charles tosses a newspaper onto Nico's chest, saying, "I thought you might want to read this." Are they publishing erotica in the newspaper now? Because that's all Nico wants to read at the moment. Instead she finds, on a full-color layout that looks like the Post's Page Six (do they print that in color? I try never to open the Post), the photo of Wendy crying beneath the ridiculous headline suggested by Janice, "Tsunami for Bad Mommy!" It doesn't sound any cleverer this time around. (Also, in today's installment of "Prop Department Corner-Cutting," a freeze-frame reveals that the bulk of this story about Wendy is actually copied-and-pasted from this MSNBC article about Anne Heche.)
At the Healy family breakfast table, Maddie reads aloud from the story: "...Studio chief begged superstar publisher Janice Lasher not to release wicked novel by former nanny." "Wicked"? Really? And what happened to the articles in that sentence? Wendy wants to talk about something else, so Shane innocently inquires about how school is going. Maddie sasses that it's been fine, but now? "I guess it depends on how many kids read that paper." (Maddie has an aversion to proper nouns.) Wendy begins, "If anyone teases you..." and Maddie, now in a full-on bratty teen mood, uses this as an excuse to bring up her main grievance, which is her mother's refusal to let Maddie have a cell phone. "Everyone in my class has one!" Maddie snits. But not at school, right? Because they're banned in New York City schools. Wendy doesn't seem to know that she has the law on her side. Instead, she starts in about how it's not her problem if other parents "want to spoil their children." Maddie finds this hypocritical, considering the many privileges in which her mother allows her to indulge. One of the circumstances she cites is, "We live in New York!," which is sort of ridiculous, because a lot of not-rich people live in New York. Believe it or not. If she'd said, "We live in Manhattan in an apartment that could double as a piano showroom," then she'd have a point. But still, Maddie has pinpointed a weakness in her mother's argument, and her big finish cuts to the bone: "You can't pick and choose when you want to be a good mother, okay? It's really, really phony." Ha, phone-y! Get it?
A taxi drops Victory off in front of her house. She's holding a takeout coffee, a newspaper (guess which story she's reading?), and some other objects -- keys and a circular clutch purse -- that keep disappearing and reappearing every time the camera angle changes. Whoops. Waiting on Victory's doorstep is Roy Merritt, a clean-cut young man wearing a bow tie and somehow managing not to look like a total dink. He's here -- early -- to interview for the assistant job. Note to Roy: it will never be necessary to show up before, oh, noon if you're going to be working with Victory.
On a rooftop somewhere in Midtown, Patti Blume (the captions tell me it's "Patti" and not "Patty," although I swear they said otherwise last week) checks the lighting in preparation for the big Prince William shoot. Nico's there, but the prince is not; Kirby comes along and says that the wardrobe people are having trouble with Will's bodyguards. Then Kirby grins at Nico. Patti asks him to fetch a lens. He continues grinning at Nico. My five-year-old nephew could keep a secret better than these guys. Patti finally gets Kirby's attention, and he says he's going to get that lens she wants from the equipment room, putting a lot of emphasis on these last few words, for Nico's benefit. He adds a sidelong glance to make sure Nico got the message. Smooth, guys. Smooth.
Wendy gets off an elevator at Parador with a bunch of people, including her yet-to-be-amusing assistant Josh, who makes a big show of tearing up a copy of "that newspaper" and throwing it in a trash bin. "Thank you, Josh, that was lovely," says Wendy, with something less than real gratitude. As she walks on, she assures Sal, her nattier, more important assistant/underling, that she does not want to talk about the Page Six thing. He's glad, because he has other news: Abby Garcia, a fifteen-year-old actress with a pushy momager, wants to meet with Wendy about doing a movie called Pink Poison. This movie would apparently require its lead to do "a graphic sex scene with her skating coach," and so Wendy -- who, this might be a good time to remind you, is played by Brooke Shields -- intends to hire "someone who's at least old enough to order a beer." Sal thinks that Wendy should consider Abby for the role, because she's a popular ex-Disney Channel star with lots of fans. Wendy indicates a willingness to discuss this with Abby on the phone, but Sal says that she can talk to Abby in person, because they'll be seated at the same table at the Women In Media luncheon. (This event takes place not today, but tomorrow -- they don't ever clarify that, and it's confusing later, so I just thought I'd let you know now.)
Now that she's indoors, Victory finds a place to put down the objects that have reappeared in her hands. Roy gives her his résumé; he is far more prepared than she for this interview. She apologizes, saying that she "had a really long, uh...long night," as she takes off her coat to reveal a very low-cut evening dress. Gosh, where did former assistant Reese ever get the idea that it would be easy to take advantage of Victory? Roy does not comment on Victory's "long night," beyond "I figured" -- he is discreet as an English butler. Well, until Victory opens her little clutch purse and a pair of red panties fall out. (So what is she wearing now? Joe's boxers? Nothing? Why wouldn't she just...oh, never mind.) Then, as Victory scoops them up, Roy remarks, "Those are my father's panties." (Bo-oing!) He means that his family owns a company that manufactures silk goods. Victory wonders why a guy with such connections would come to work for her, and he tells her that he has come to New York to try to "be [his] own person." The phone rings, and Roy asks if he may answer; when he does, he wows Victory with his professional manner. Joe's assistant, Ellen, who's on the other end of the line, is also taken off-guard; she and Roy have a mini-standoff about who puts his or her boss on the line first, which Roy wins. "You're hired," whispers Victory as she takes the phone from him.
Kirby and Nico have made it to the equipment room, and are now tearing each other's clothes off. They have frantic sex that results in Nico's being pressed against a large window overlooking a lobby. She ducks out of sight just in time to avoid being spotted by nemesis Mike. Another page from the How Not To Have An Adulterous Affair field guide.
Later -- but apparently not too much later -- Nico, her hair mussed, descends a staircase into the abovementioned lobby area to meet Hector. Mike, standing nearby, sees Kirby descend the same staircase a minute later, and for some reason this strikes him as suspicious. Then he grins. Looks like somebody's been studying his How To Detect An Affair field guide. Cue the credits!
I hate to admit it, but I really enjoy this theme song. Just the fact that there's a theme song at all is kind of cute. And it's totally the best part of the show. I have a question for you all, though: there's a line where I'm pretty sure the singer says, "Take your shirt off, honey," but the captions render it as "Take your share, honey." What do you hear? In context (following the line "Let's make some money"), the captions' version seems more likely, but the two lines are "Let's freak out/Work the sunshine" (again, per the captions). So I don't think logic is the way to solve this puzzle. Having watched a couple episodes of this show, I'm thinking "Take your shirt off" is more appropriate, so that's what I'm going to go with when I'm dancing around in my pajamas and singing this song at home. Not that I'd ever do that.
Whew, that first half-hour of work was busy, huh? Time for a shopping break! Returning from the ads, we find Wendy and Victory at Saks Fifth Avenue, browsing in the shoe department. ["Yeah, Sars and I never do that. Ever. Even though it's totally across the street from our office." -- Wing Chun] A saleswoman asks whether they need anything, and Victory replies, "Yeah, a cot. I'm moving in." The saleswoman laughs politely. Seriously, though, the Victory Ford brand has fallen on hard times. She might be looking for a place to crash soon. Also, Saks saleswoman: are you hiring? Then Saleswoman recognizes Wendy as "Bad Mommy" -- I'm so sure you'd say that to the face of a woman powerful enough to have you fired. Victory shoos her away ("shoos"! Get it?), and tells Wendy to ignore it. Wendy is more upset about this morning's spat with Maddie. She asks Victory what she thinks about kids having cell phones (bad idea), and considers buying a pair of cute, very expensive boots to win back Maddie's love. Now Victory is actually prepared to be a voice of reason, pointing out that Maddie probably doesn't have an outfit or a destination befitting of such high-end shoes. Wendy hears this as a suggestion, and decides to buy her daughter an outfit to match. "Where is she going?" asks Victory. Wendy says that she'll think of something.
Now Nico catches up to the girls, carrying a huge leopard-print handbag, as you do. Victory and Wendy want to hear all about the prince, but Nico has nothing to share, because guess who she's thinking about? I'll give you a hint -- he's texting her right now! "When can we finish? I need U," says the message from "K." Nico, looking her guiltiest, stammers that the text was in reference to the Women in Media luncheon seating arrangements. Wendy announces that she's considering skipping the event, but Nico reminds her that not showing up would just make her look worse -- especially since she's a key speaker. Nico also thinks Wendy should try on a particular pair of shoes -- a girl can never have too many pairs of animal-print stilettos, right? -- and tries to summon the saleswoman, prompting Wendy to reply, "Nico, you've known me for twenty years. You know I don't try on shoes in public." I may be more susceptible to the charms of The Brooke than I realize, because I thought that was hilarious. Wendy adds that the salespeople always marvel at the size of her feet: "They bring out measuring devices!" It's a good moment for Brooke, I have to admit, though I'm not sure whether it's endearing or appalling that her character is just as upset about exposing her freakishly large feet as she is about her parenting problems. Since Wendy has passed on the opportunity, Nico offers the shoe to Victory, who pouts, "I'm poor." Nico very validly points out that Victory's new boyfriend is a billionaire. A billionaire that neither she nor Wendy has met. "What are you hiding?" Wendy wants to know. "Are his feet smaller than mine?" Eh, I think we pushed that joke a little too far. Victory is reluctant to make the introductions because "He's Joe Bennett! ...He rubs people the wrong way, he's picky, he's gruff..." Don't you hate it when your girlfriends go out with guys who are obviously assholes, and then they complain that the guy is an asshole but you're not allowed to agree? Wendy and Nico are presumably experiencing that frustration right now. But maybe not, because even after that description, they still want to meet him. "We'll meet him tomorrow night," Wendy announces. "Dinner at Nico's." Nico gives her a look, so Wendy adds, "Call a caterer." You guys, that is exactly how my girlfriends and I would talk to each other if we were extraordinarily wealthy. This show just gets it so right.
Nico returns from her shopping excursion to find Kirby waiting in her office. Her assistant (whose name is Margo, not that it matters) begins to introduce him, but master of discretion Kirby cuts Margo off: "She knows who I am." He has brought proof sheets from Patti for Nico's approval. Once they're behind the (glass) door of Nico's office, Kirby turns grabby, but Nico is all business, for once. While she studies the proofs, Kirby peruses her photos. He mistakes Walter Cronkite for Nico's husband, which reminds Nico how very young Kirby is (although Kirby hopes it will remind her how old her husband is). Since Nico doesn't want to talk about her husband, Kirby goes back to staring and smirking, and Nico goes back to blushing. After a minute of this, Nico gives the proof sheets back to Kirby with instructions, but he won't leave until she answers his question: "When are we gonna get to finish what we started this morning?" Kirby thinks that maybe they should just "frost the glass" -- he picks up the magic remote control to do so, but Nico finally, finally comes to her senses and reminds him that she works here: "We're going to have to finish this later." "But it will be finished," Kirby replies, almost menacingly. Nico agrees. "Just don't keep me waiting too long," says Kirby, departing with sad puppy-dog eyes. "It's painful." I'm pretty sure that was a blue-balls joke, but his delivery went for pathos. Interesting choice.
Back at Victory's brownstone, it looks like Roy went home for the day and Joe came over for a nooner. (Is it noon? Midnight? I have no idea what time it's supposed to be.) The two lovers are coming down the stairs, Victory in a sheer white robe that trails uselessly behind her so that we all have a chance to appreciate her lacy black bra-and-panties set, and Joe looking even more ridiculous in a kimono (Victory's, I'm guessing). Victory is trying to talk Joe into tomorrow night's dinner at Nico's, but he doesn't like the idea of all these other people being there. He tries to joke about Shane's name, but it falls much flatter than I'm guessing it was meant to -- partly because, hello, Joe's sleeping with a woman named Victory. Joe finally, grudgingly, agrees to go, but only on the condition that Victory meet his friends first. He punctuates this diktat with a kiss that ought to be sexy, but...well, would you want to kiss a small man in a floral kimono? I think not.
Nico calls Patti, the photographer, to ask whether she's set for the Lance Armstrong shoot. "Same crew?" Nico inquires. Patti wonders why Nico's asking. "I don't know -- if you wanted to bring a different assistant..." Nico says lamely. Patti gets the scent in the wind (sort of), and asks what Kirby did wrong, finally guessing that Nico would prefer "someone who doesn't keep disappearing." If only all the characters on this show were as no-nonsense as Patti. "I'll take care of it, Nico," Patti promises. "Thanks, Betty," says Nico, according to the captions. I'd make fun of our captioner -- Brian at CaptionMax, apparently -- for not paying attention, but...it does really sound like she says "Betty." Perhaps we're meant to infer that Nico is so powerful that she doesn't have to bother getting people's names right. Then Nico's cell phone buzzes, and the display announces, "Kirby calling." Okay, "Program your secret lover's name into your phone" is definitely in the How Not To Have An Adulterous Affair table of contents.
Early the morning (as it turns out), Joe and Victory are headed down the steps outside Victory's brownstone -- now fully dressed in their own clothing, thank the Lord. "Why are your friends such early risers?" whines Victory. Joe tells her that they need to get up early in order to make it to his favorite little bistro in time for dinner, because, oh, didn't he mention? It's in Paris. "What are you talking about? We're having dinner at Nico's," Victory protests. "First we're having one in Paris," replies Joe. "Pace yourself." Oooh, it's so romantic when men tell you what to do!
Wendy arrives at the luncheon with Maddie (and her bitchin' new shoes) in tow. Astute Maddie wonders why she's suddenly allowed to skip school for this event, and Wendy (hilariously, as it turns out) explains that the luncheon will be educational: "This room is filled with role models." Nico greets the Healys warmly, and then directs Wendy's attention to Janice Lasher, standing just across the room in an ostentatious white fur coat. "You should think about what you're going to do with your face," Nico advises -- otherwise, she predicts, Wendy will "smile and do that apologetic little half-wave." Maddie spots Abby Garcia and seems excited to be seated at the same table, but before she and Wendy can reach the table, they're stopped by a woman who introduces herself as "Eva! Garcia! Abby's mom?" Eva is played by the fabulous Florencia Lozano (whom soap fans might recognize from Llanview), and I'm going to tell you right now that she's my favorite part of this episode. You can tell right away that Eva is one of those people who pronounce any vaguely "ethnic" word (in this case, that includes "Eva," "Garcia" and even "Abby") with an exaggerated accent. Wendy, adjusting to this, introduces Maddie. Eva gives Maddie a patronizing pat on the cheek and tells her that she can pass the time during the speeches sending text messages to Abby. Maddie glares at her mother before heading to the table. But at least she didn't make a scene about not having a phone! Eva, clinging to Wendy's arm, starts harping about Pink Poison and what an Oscar winner it will be. They get to their table, where Eva barks at Abby to stop eating bread. Then she introduces Abby to Wendy: "You remember Wendy Healy, Parador Pictures?" -- only she says "Parador" like it's the name of a Chilean town and she's Alex Trebek. (It's awesome.) Eva now instructs Maddie to sit to Abby; she has switched the place cards to put herself to Wendy so that they can talk business. As if this wasn't infuriating enough, Maddie shortly finds an opportunity to bring up the cell-phone battle, prompting Abby to volunteer that she's had a phone since she was nine. (Maybe, honey, but if I had to choose between my cell phone and bread, I'd take the bread.) Eva gives Wendy some parenting advice: "Don't sweat the small stuff! Give her the phone and be glad it's not an abortion." Charming. Wendy ignores this and asks Maddie to move her seat; Maddie talks back -- looks like we spoke too soon about her not making a scene. Wendy loses her patience and yells through her teeth, "Stop questioning me!" Then she calms down enough to notice that Janice Lasher, still standing against the wall with her defeated-looking assistant, was watching the whole thing. Wendy reacts to Janice's gaze just as Nico predicted -- with a weak smile and a wave. Janice returns neither. Boy, I hope there's something nice in those gift bags. Like maybe booze.
Cut to: Paris! That's where we find Joe and Victory, in a candlelit room that overlooks the Eiffel Tower. Joe is explaining, in his usual too-cool-for-school manner, that they're in the cozy atelier of Victory's hero, Coco Chanel. Victory is overwhelmed. She discovers and does homage to Coco's "dress form." (She scolds Joe for calling it a dummy: "She wasn't a ventriloquist." But I would be so much more interested in this whole scene if she had been.) Then Victory asks, "So, where are we meeting your friends?" Joe replies that he has no friends (no kidding!) in France (...oh). "The French do not have a gift for friendship, in my experience," he proclaims. "They do, however, have a gift for romance." Victory is confused, since the whole point of this trip, she thought, was for her to meet Joe's friends, but he silences her with another one of those aggressive "no more questions" kisses that I'm pretty sure I'd find much more annoying than alluring. Victory falls for it, and we are treated to another montage of television sex, with the knee-caressing and the headboard-gripping and the elbow-rubbing.
We return to the Women in Media luncheon-in-progress just in time to hear Nico thank Maybelline for the gift bags. That's in case you missed the signs all around the room with "Maybelline" on them. Who would have guessed that this show would stoop to product placements? It's worth it, though, for the awesome fake-clap Eva Garcia gives, pausing from her salad-eating just long enough to touch her wrists together in a "clapping for real would mess up my manicure" kind of way. Nico then turns her attention to Wendy, with an intro that contains a probably well-intentioned but certainly ill-advised comparison between running a studio and being a mother. Back at the table, Eva gets Maddie's attention with a stage whisper: "This is where you blow Mommy a big kiss, huh?" It suddenly dawns on Maddie that perhaps she's being used, and she decides to blow much more than a kiss. She pulls the fancy new shoes from her feet and slams them down on the table. Then she storms out of the room, letting the door slam behind her just as Wendy steps up to the podium. Janice, sitting at her table and playing with a tube of lipstick (foreshadowing!), smirks. Eva looks puzzled. Wendy looks panicked. Commercial. And hey, what a coincidence! It's a tie-in ad for Maybelline! (We also see one of those Cadillac ads with Kate Walsh, which confuses me briefly -- should I be recapping this too?)
When the ads are over, we return just in time to hear the end of Wendy's speech, and catch another continuity blip: as Wendy leaves the podium, we can see Eva, in the foreground, cramming a huge forkful of salad into her mouth. Then the camera cuts to a close-up on Eva and Abby as Eva cattily comments, "Look who loves the limelight!" and immediately stuffs another enormous forkful of salad greens into her big mouth. It's a funny flourish, so I'm kind of glad we get to see it twice -- in fact, the more I rewatch this two-second clip, the funnier it gets. But I can't help wondering how much iceberg lettuce this poor actress had to eat. Naturally, when Wendy returns to her seat, she wants to know where Maddie went. Cut back to Eva -- I was sort of hoping for a salad-stuffing hat trick, but the way she answers with her mouth full is funny, too. "She probably went to get a Band-Aid," Eva says carelessly, indicating the shoes on the table. "Those are killers!" Wendy grabs her purse and heads off in search of Maddie. Nico stands there trying to think of something supportive to do. Across the room, Janice hands her assistant a plate of salad and points vaguely, saying, "Go ask her for her gift bag." Who is the "her" in that sentence? asks the Michael Bluth voice in my head. Maybe Eva? That would explain the salad -- perhaps Janice wants to barter. The assistant protests (for the first time ever!), but Janice shushes her -- literally; she says, "Shush!" Nico sees this exchange. That will be important later.
Outside the restrooms, Wendy is calling for Maddie. I wonder if Brooke Shields's microphone pack is supposed to be visible through her suit? I'm thinking no. Janice comes along -- did you think Janice was going to let Wendy search for her daughter in peace? Of course not -- and starts right in with the insults, complimenting Maddie's shoes, which Wendy is holding, and asking, "Where's the show pony you trotted out in them?" Wendy's reply is as acid as we've ever heard from her: "You don't want to mess with me now, Janice." Janice is not intimidated. "Nice try, dragging your kid in here, trying to use her for damage control," she drawls, heading into the ladies' room and unwisely leaving her fur and other accessories at the vanity table outside. Wendy spots a tube of lipstick on the table. It's not actually the one we saw Janice fiddling with, and it's looking pretty ragged in the close-up -- not the first take, eh? But it will serve the purpose Wendy has in mind for it. She lunges for Janice's fur as Janice continues to shout insults from inside the bathroom.
Back in the function room, Wendy hurries past Nico, telling her that Maddie left and she's leaving, too. Janice sweeps in behind Wendy, bundled grandly in her white fur. Nico stares as Janice passes. Janice's assistant gapes, too. The other women murmur. Janice wheels around, her back to the camera, and the women all fall silent as we see the word "BITCH" scrawled in big red lipstick-y letters across her back. The moment would have more impact if they hadn't promo'd the life out of it, but it's still sort of satisfying, I must say. Janice, still none the wiser, stalks away. The silent assistant gives Nico a pathetic, hangdog look that seems to say, "Great, now I have to tell her, and I have a feeling this will turn out to be my fault."
In Paris, Joe and Victory are enjoying a post-sex snack of wine, bread, and cheese. Joe's still talking about his stupid bistro with the delicious vichyssoise (holy crap, did I seriously spell that right on my first try?), and Victory says that they'd better get a move on if they're going to make it back to New York in time for dinner at Nico's. This is where Joe reveals that he has no intention of returning to New York, although of course he's not that straightforward about it. Up to now Victory has been enthralled by Joe's manipulative garbage, but it looks like she's finally had enough. She gathers up her things, trying to look as dignified as possible considering she's wrapped in a bedsheet, and lets Joe know that they'll be heading back to New York without stopping at his little bistro. Of course, that ultimately depends on his summoning his private jet, but still: a victory for Victory at last!
At the Healy residence, Shane and Wendy are getting ready for Nico's dinner party. Wendy is fretting about Maddie. "She's got a test tomorrow. She's studying with Lauren and she's spending the night there," Shane explains, as if having a test somehow makes a school-night sleepover a good idea. Shane and Wendy really are bad parents. Shane further observes that the two Healy women "could use some breathing room," which is a fair point. Then he turns the conversation to Wendy's lipstick stunt at the luncheon. Shane is turned on by this rebellious side of Wendy, so he initiates a little afternoon delight. Isn't it nice to see them getting along? The camera pans down their legs and to the floor, where we see a proof of a book jacket for Our Quality Time by Mariska Havel. The design -- amateur and completely hideous; about the level of quality you might expect from a thesis in urban studies published by a lesser university press with a print run of three hundred copies -- features a very roughly Photoshopped picture of Wendy and her kids that definitely was not intended to be shown this close up. And wasn't this book supposed to be a "novel"? Because the jacket indicates that it's directly about Wendy. Come on, props people. Let's put a little effort in, huh? I'm embarrassed for you.
We get an extra-long look at this horrifyingly poor cover layout because it's our segue to the scene: Wendy displays the cover at Nico's, saying, "Janice had it delivered to our apartment." Yeah, right after her cat finished designing it. Nico wants some follow-up on the Maddie situation, and Wendy admits that she's not sure what Maddie is really upset about. She's also not sure whether she did, in fact, bring her daughter to the luncheon just for the publicity. Nico's opinion is that it would be totally defensible if she had, under the circumstances. Then Nico mysteriously adds, "I don't think you should worry about Janice Lasher anymore." A doorbell rings, very, very softly, announcing the arrival of Victory and Joe. Joe walks in -- poking at his BlackBerry, of course. He makes it through the introductions smoothly enough, but then pulls Wendy aside to begin his project of alienating everyone in the room. He tells her that the apartment is "about four degrees" too warm, and that there are other requests he must make: "Otherwise I have no shot at being likeable." Too late! Nico isn't put off by this routine, since it so closely matches her own favored way of dealing with people, so she and Joe get along fine. She's not even offended when he asks how long he'll have to stay. When the doorbell rings again (much more loudly this time) and Joe jokes that it's his assistant, come to bring his dinner...well, that joke falls a little flat. The others leave Nico alone to answer the door, which is fortunate, because she opens it to find Kirby standing there with his most heartbroken face on. "What did you say to Patti?" he wants to know. "I worked with her for two years and now she won't even give me a reference!" After shoving Kirby down the stairs and pulling him into a stairwell, Nico promises to fix the situation in the morning. Clueless Charles opens the door to find out whether "Nicki" is okay, but Kirby is hidden from his view, and Nico assures him that everything is fine. Then she insists that Kirby leave -- which he does, but not without shooting her one more look from his Eeyore eyes. Charles lets Nico back inside and buys her story about a messenger coming from the office to get her signature. He seems not to notice when Nico takes his glass of wine and drains it.
After the ads, Nico and company head to the dinner table, with Nico gabbing that they've been dying to meet Joe and find out more about him than what they read in the papers. Wendy chimes in, "We all know that's just a bunch of..." Before she gets even three words out, Victory cuts her off, sighing, "Oh, Wen, you're not still thinking about that, are you?" Yes, please, Wendy, don't bore your best friends with talk of your emotional, professional, and familial crises! Wouldn't you rather hear about Victory's trip to Paris? Nico turns the conversation back to the lack of information in the press about Joe's personal life: "You must be hiding something." Joe insists that he's just not that interesting on topics that don't involve business: "I'm really kind of a late bloomer. But I seem to be finding my footing." He puts an awkward arm around Victory's back. The women all smile benevolently. Ick.
Later, riding in a limo down Park Avenue, Victory asks Joe, "You don't think we left too early, do you?" I think I can answer that for Joe. Victory thanks him sincerely for submitting to the dinner, noting that Wendy and Nico "really like" him, and asking whether he likes them, too. "Yeah, sure," Joe enthuses. "They're fine." High on her success, Victory proposes that "time" they should all meet for brunch at Wendy's. Joe's face registers confusion: "Why would I need to see them again?" Isn't he "done"? Victory is frustratingly slow at putting the Joe-is-an-asshole clues together, but at least she's starting to catch on. "You didn't unclog my toilet, Joe, you met my friends!" Victory scoffs. Joe tries to do damage control, but now his girl is on a roll, and it's time for us to hear -- at last! -- how these women ended up being BFFs in the first place. Here's the story as I understand it: fresh out of college, Victory fell in love with some jerky guy who worked for Wendy. (Boy, Victory knows how to pick 'em, huh?) Wendy warned Victory about the guy, and of course Vic didn't listen, but when he broke her heart, as predicted, Wendy and Nico helped her to pick up the pieces. They also helped her to make connections to promote her first fashion show. What I'd like to know is, what does Victory bring to the table? "They're my family," Vic concludes. Joe, cool as a cucumber, replies, "Then you're lucky to have them. But not everyone is looking for family." Ouch. The car stops at Joe's, and Victory actually turns him down when he asks her to come in. But we've only had three sex scenes in this episode! Aren't we due for another?
The morning, Nico shows up for work to find Kirby waiting in her office. Margo reminds her that she has an appointment "across town" in twenty minutes. Nico is annoyed that Kirby has arrived early, since she was planning to make some inquiries about possible photographer's-assistant job openings before she met with him. "Patti Bloom is not the only working photographer in the city!" says Nico, per the captions. Okay, guys, is it "Patty Blume" or "Patti Bloom"? Can we settle on one spelling, please? Some of us are striving for accuracy here. Anyway, it seems like the most straightforward thing would be for Nico just to call Patti and say she made a mistake, since Patti is clearly willing to do anything Nico says, no questions asked. Calling up other photographers and asking them to hire this hot young assistant who can't get a reference from his employer seems like the sort of thing that might arouse suspicion, which I have to believe Nico wants to avoid (despite much evidence to the contrary). But I guess that's her plan. She assures him that he'll get a job eventually, and writes him a check to keep him going until then. Way to leave a paper trail, Nico! Kirby whimpers, "I didn't come here for...I thought you'd want to see me!" But Nico gives him the cold, professional brush-off.
When Kirby struts out of Nico's office toward the elevators, even Margo stops to stare. Also taking notice is Mike, who watches Kirby tear up Nico's check and throw it in the trash bin. Mike follows Kirby onto an elevator and innocently asks, "Didn't I see you at the Prince William shoot?" Mike introduces himself with a smarmy smile as the elevator doors close. With all the various ways Nico and Kirby have failed to cover their tracks, it seems unlikely that the discovery of their affair would come down to intuition on Mike's part. He really shouldn't have had to work this hard.
Victory is watching an old movie again, and as usual, it looks more absorbing than the show I'm watching. The doorbell rings, and when Roy answers it, he finds Ellen, Joe's appealing assistant, and a pair of deliverymen with a large crate. "I've been asked by Mr. Bennett to personally escort a gift," Ellen announces. For a moment, I think Joe himself is inside the crate, packed in excelsior, but it turns out to be -- eyeroll -- Coco's dress form, shipped from France. Roy wants to keep it, but Victory stays strong and sends it back. Well, okay, she whimpers and sniffles, but still. She sends it back.
Hooray, Eva Garcia returns! She and Abby are in Wendy's office, and Wendy has just produced "a terrific script" for Abby to read. Abby is excited about the project -- a young-adult novel adaptation -- but single-minded momager Eva is there to talk Pink Poison and doesn't fall for this bait-and-switch. As far as Eva is concerned, the movie is a done deal, and all that's left to decide is what size breast implants Abby should get. She has actually brought several sets of implants with her, and now lays them out across Wendy's desk to get her opinion. Wendy summons assistant Josh and instructs him to escort Abby down the hall, where she can meet the director of the project the script for which Wendy has just handed her. Then she turns back to Eva. "Part of my job is to see trouble before it happens," Wendy begins. She doesn't come right out and say that Abby looks like a Lohan in the making, though; instead, she gently observes that Eva seems to want Pink Poison much more than her client/daughter does. Eva can't believe she's getting a speech on mothering her teen daughter from Mommy Tsunami over here.
Janice is looking over another ugly book-jacket proof when Nico appears in the doorway of her office, unannounced. Nico proclaims that Janice and Wendy's feud has gone too far. "Don't act all grand with me, Nico Reilly," Janice sneers. (Aw, show, I appreciate the last-name shout-outs.) Then, under the pretense of cutting Nico down, Janice exposits that Nico is "a Greek girl from Flushing, Queens, whose daddy ran a diner." I guess that heritage makes her first name slightly less ridiculous -- but boy, she was lucky her husband's surname didn't turn out to be "O'Reilly." Janice goes on to explain that Wendy did more than just pull out of the Hillary-book bidding war we heard about last week: "She went on record last year to say that I publish trash." Nico calmly informs Janice that the Mariska book is "dead." Janice's response gets my nomination for Feeblest Line of the Series: "Far from it! I'm launching the website: Grand Slam on Bad Maam dot com." Note to Janice: stringing together random words and making them rhyme isn't clever! Note to writers everywhere: adding "dot com" to a random phrase doesn't make it a punch line! Excuse me while I scream into a pillow.... Okay. I feel better. Janice notices that her coffee is cold (or gone) and shouts, "Reheat!" The office door opens and in comes a chubby-cheeked man, endearingly eager to help. "Who the hell are you, sweater boy?" Janice yells. Hee. I do get a kick out of her unprovoked, unchecked hostility. Nico introduces sweater boy as "Harold -- he's your new assistant." It seems as though Nico has brought Nora -- the homely young woman we've seen at Janice's side these last two episodes -- over to Bonfire. "I hired her to do nothing but type up Janice Lasher stories," Nico explains, "and she's got quite a few." Okay, I accept that Nico is a powerful woman, but can she really control the firing and hiring of other people's assistants at companies she does not run? That is difficult for me to believe. Now Nico claims she's preparing to run the story of Janice's "lost weekend in Bangkok," and leans over Janice's desk to take her shot at winning the episode's Most Cringeworthy Punch Line competition: "Who knew you could do that with a ping-pong ball?" Wow. That was a really good effort. I definitely cringed. But that line is merely stale -- and out of step with everything we know about the character in question. The "Grand Slam on Bad Maam" line tops it by being complete and utter nonsense. Advantage: Janice. Nico ends the scene by announcing that this sort of thing -- professional blackmail, I guess -- is "what friends do for each other." As she leaves, she pointedly adds, "You'd know if you had any." Friendless Janice is pissed. Boy, Nico is lucky there aren't any skeletons in her closet! What kind of tell-all book could Janice ever publish to take down Nico?
Joe shows up at Victory's that night and immediately turns on the charm, asking, "Are we alone, or is your cracker assistant still lurking around?" Wow, Victory, I can see why you keep falling for this guy. He goes on to say he's not sure whether they fought last night or not. How can you stay mad at a man who pretends not to know why you're mad at him? It's genius! Victory says that she just needs to "figure some things out." And you know I'm all about the hating on Joe, but Andrew McCarthy still makes me laugh a lot when he replies, "And this is all because I don't want to have Sunday brunch with Wendy and Shane and little Shane and baby Shane?" Writers, this doesn't make up for that nonsense in the scene, but still: ha. Victory now launches into a speech she has clearly been rehearsing for a while, explaining that Joe's world is "like a carnival ride of life's greatest hits." Joe can't joke his way out of this one, and his ringing phone interrupts his speech about how, when he's with Victory, "it is not world, it is our world." So he acts like he's leveling with Victory and says that his workday wears him out so much that he just doesn't want to be social in his downtime. This makes Victory teary, and to Joe's credit, he knows better than to linger.
Wendy arrives home to find Maddie curled up on the couch with Mariska's manuscript. Wendy protests that she threw it out, and Maddie admits she dug it out of the kitchen garbage. I'm going to write my own tell-all book: The Devil Doesn't Recycle! Sincerely contrite, Wendy apologizes to Maddie for bringing her to the luncheon, confessing that her motives were selfish. Maddie apologizes for being bratty. They make up. Aw. Wendy tries to lighten the mood, reminding Maddie that she did miss school, and that she got to meet Abby Garcia. Insightful Maddie says that she felt sorry for Abby, watching how her mother controlled her diet. "That mother," Maddie says, "that's all she's got." Wendy looks misty as Maddie concludes, "I could do a lot worse."
Just when this is threatening to turn into the last scene of an episode of Full House, we return to Nico's world. Hector has summoned Nico to his office, and he doesn't want to talk about the Prince William story. He wants to know whether Nico knows someone named "Kirby Atwood," and if not -- as she claims -- why this Kirby fellow would be complaining of sexual harassment. We end this week on Nico's stricken face. What's in this for Kirby? I guess we'll find out week. Fine, show, but let's make this clear: one more pathetic "dot com" joke and I am out of here.