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Don't you hate it when you fire your nanny, and she turns around and writes a "novel" about what a shallow, self-centered mother you are? This revelation totally ruins Wendy's morning, especially since her ex-nanny's manuscript is being shopped around to film studios, including Wendy's. It's the talk of the office!
Fashion designer Victory also has a backstabbing subordinate: invaluable assistant Reese has accepted a job elsewhere, and on her way out the door, she snags some Victory Ford design sketches to pass off as her own. Flaky Victory doesn't notice the theft, because a hat she designed as a student is now in the hands of an old lady (who got it from a drag queen, who bought it on the street, right out from under Victory's nose), and Victory wants it back. She believes reclaiming the hat will get her past her creative block. Even pushy, dickish rich guy Joe can't distract her with his wooing.
Over at Bonfire magazine, Nico needs a cover-shoot proposal that will please Prince William. A bigger problem is that she can't go thirty seconds without flashing back to the adulterous sex she had in last week's episode. Her hot young partner, Kirby, soon shows up in her office; seems he's the assistant to the photographer who'll be shooting the Prince. Nico pretends to resist Kirby's advances, but soon enough, they're having hot sex in the photography studio.
Wendy discovers that nanny Mariska was bullied into writing her book, probably by Wendy's arch-enemy, Janice Lasher, an outrageously nasty publishing-company exec. And speaking of betrayal: some of the embarrassing stories were originally told to Mariska by Wendy's husband Shane. Wendy marches into Janice's office, intending to play nice, but winds up telling her off and insisting that she's satisfied that she's a good mom. On her way out, Wendy wipes away a tear of relief -- and a photographer gets a great shot of her doing so.
Joe shows up at Victory's apartment, presents her with the magic hat (which he bought from the old lady), and encourages her to get back to work. He's just beginning to show his softer side, and she likes it. Nico lands a contract with the Prince, but to her boss's surprise, it's based on the provocative half-naked photo shoot he had nixed the day. He gives her a talking-to that amounts to "Don't push your luck." As the eventful day ends, the three BFFs go out for margaritas -- and evil Janice chooses an unflattering photo of crying Wendy to send off to Page Six. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Did you miss your sixteen chances to catch the first episode of this exciting new series? No worries! Episode 2 starts with a recap. The first thing we see is the newspaper headline about Victory Ford's failed Fashion Week outing, "No Victory for Victory." Obviously, someone thought that was clever enough to show again. This does not bode well. Then we see Victory herself, weeping and whining about said article. Then we see her simpering at Andrew McCarthy that she doesn't need to be rescued as he prepares to sweep her away in his big jet. By this time, she's already my least favorite character, and I haven't even seen the others yet. I think Victory is this show's Charlotte. And if you're making Sex & the City but with only three women, why in heaven's name would you still have a Charlotte? We also catch up with magazine editor Nico, who lost the last two letters of her first name in a tragic machinery accident. (Or maybe her parents were big Velvet Underground fans?) Important to know about Nico: she's gunning for a promotion and cheating on her inattentive husband. Finally, Shane, the emasculated husband of Wendy (the Brooke Shields one), pledged unconvincingly to get over his my-wife-is-the-breadwinner issues. On to the episode!
Monday morning begins at Wendy's house with the screeching of a fax machine printing out "Weekend Box Office Totals." ["Wendy's not rich enough to have an internet connection at home to check that shit herself and without killing any trees?" -- Wing Chun] A small, cute, pajama-wearing boy fetches the printout and skips into his parents' room to deliver it to Wendy. He hands it to her just as the lyrics to the show-opening tune kick in, and the singer announces, "I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb." The rest of the scene can't quite shake those creepy overtones, but here's what we see: Wendy is excited about the studio's weekend take, and her little boy is hoping the good news he has just delivered will mean he gets pancakes for breakfast. Except by "pancakes," he really means "attention and love," and by "for breakfast," he really means "from his distracted mother." Or so I assume. Shane sleeps through the whole thing, because unlike some people, he doesn't have to get up and work.
If you were under the impression that this show would be classy, the segue to the scene will disabuse you of that notion right quick. Over an exterior shot of an apartment building, we hear a woman gasping and moaning. Cut to a close-up on Nico's face as she bounces up and down and grunts with effort. But the shot widens, and we see...she's on some sort of exercise equipment! That is almost as funny as "No Victory for Victory"! And it's poignant too, because as Nico multitasks -- exercising, reading the newspaper, and huffing and puffing into her earpiece about scheduling business meetings -- the husband she's not having sex with comes along and swipes a section of the paper she's holding (silently, although she offers to interrupt her call to talk to him). We're probably supposed to feel bad for neglected Nico, but if my boss called me in the morning and then made me listen to her sex and/or exercise noises, I would find another boss, I'll tell you that for free. ["Hey! That was an emergency! And I was making those noises because I was moving a piano as far as you know!" -- Wing Chun] The bookish husband walks off without a word, and Nico lingers on a full-page ad featuring a sexy young man in nothing but underwear. Did you notice that Nico's having libido issues? It's subtle, but that's why I'm here to explain it for you.
Victory lives in a brownstone, free spirit that she is, and she spent the night sleeping on her couch, which I guess is also a free-spirited thing to do. A call from her new suitor, Joe (that's Andrew McCarthy), wakes her up. He starts right in with the obnoxious-rich-guy let-me-sweep-you-off-your-feet thing, which I'd barely be able to tolerate in the best of circumstances. Before my morning coffee, I would definitely hang up on him. Victory just explains that she can't do lunch in Miami today, private jet or no, because she has to cope with her collapsing business. "I just pink-slipped fifteen employees! I moved my office to my house!" Joe is bored by this, because he couldn't care less about the things that matter to Victory. He also doesn't care about the traffic he's holding up by meandering very slowly across the street while he whines into his cell. I am rooting for the angry driver behind Joe to accelerate and break his legs, but for some reason, Victory agrees to have dinner with him that night. "He's the devil," she sighs as she hangs up the phone. No, Victory, he's just an asshole. The devil doesn't bother with people who have no self-respect to lose.
So I'm guessing that the title of Nico's Vanity Fair-esque magazine, Bonfire, derives from the phrase "bonfire of the vanities." Which is funny, because if you were going to conduct an actual bonfire of the vanities, this show would be the first vanity object you'd toss on the fire (followed, possibly, by Candace Bushnell herself). Right now Savonarola's ashes are stirring angrily in their watery grave. Anyway, there's a crisis at Bonfire: Prince William "and his crumpet" -- we are delicately declining to name the royal GF -- no longer want to be on the cover of the mag's "royal" issue, because the proposed styling was too "stodgy." Nico assures company-head Hector that she can get HRH to sign a contract, and turns down smirking Mike's offer to help out.
Wendy walks into the Parador Pictures office, greeting everyone cheerfully, but all her employees are plainly avoiding her. Haven't they heard the good news about the weekend returns? she asks her assistant, Josh, who doesn't answer; Sal, a suit waiting in her office, fills her in. The studio has just received the manuscript for a novel, ostensibly so that they might consider it as film fodder. Sal calls the book a "thinly-veiled novel based on your life," although I think he means "a novel that is a thinly-veiled account of your life." Watch those modifiers, Sal. The point is, it's a Devil Wears Prada-style character assassination penned by Wendy's former nanny, Mariska. (A certain NBC star might have a problem with Wendy's failure to pronounce the invisible "H" in that name.) I'll spare you the quippy quotation -- the first of many -- Sal uses to make his point that the book's not flattering. Wendy is shocked.
In her home office, Victory is whining to her sole remaining employee about wanting to reinvent herself. I can already tell that it will be unnecessary to specify that Victory is whining; I might as well say, "Victory is speaking." The irritating whining can be assumed. Victory's sweet-looking assistant, "Reese" (God, show, STOP IT with the NAMES!), assures Victory that she's a genius, but somehow Victory can tell that Reese has already got one high-heeled boot out the door. Reese insists that she couldn't possibly leave Victory now, when Victory needs Reese's help so much, but Reese finally admits that she's been offered a job elsewhere. When Victory hears that the new gig will give Reese a chance to design, Victory insists that Reese take it, sadly saying, "I can't hold you back." Reese's face crumples, and she clomps toward her boss in her great big boots like a little girl with a skinned knee. Victory holds out her arms like the martyr she believes herself to be before closing them around sweet little Reese in a maternal hug. Would you feel better if I told you the sappiness won't last? It won't.
Wendy can't figure out how Mariska could have written any novel, let alone this one: "She's a gentle, sweet soul! She wouldn't kill a cockroach!" "So why'd you fire her?" Sal asks. Wendy: "She wouldn't kill a cockroach." Heh. Well played, show. I'll give you that. Sal just wants to know whether they should sue. He hasn't heard of the agent, one "Freddy Divola," who represents Mariska; he thinks the agency's real reason for sending the manuscript was to bargain for a big severance package. Wendy feigns nonchalance, tossing the manuscript on the floor, and tells Sal that they need to prep for their meeting with Hector (Hector again!). Sal leaves. Once he's gone, Wendy picks up the manuscript and thumbs through it, of course.
Nico's office. Patty Blume, the rough-around-the-edges photographer assigned to the Prince William shoot, enters and introduces her assistant: "Kirby Atwood, Nico Reilly." (Ooh, shout-out, she said my last name! Sort of!) Nico takes one look at Kirby and instantly flashes back to her hot, adulterous, pantyhose-tearing encounter with him in last week's episode. He grins at her. Awk-ward!
Are we just getting to the opening credits now? God, this is going to be a long hour.
Back at Nico's office after the credits, Patty is suggesting steamier photo-shoot ideas, while Kirby distracts Nico with his steamy appraising stare. Patty catches Kirby smirking and thinks he's amused by her brainstorming. "See, the young ones like that," she says. "I mean, that's who you're out to bag, right?" Guilty Nico responds with a double-take. There's no comical tympani "bo-oing!" sound effect to go with it, but your brain can fill it in.
Meanwhile, at Victory's, the designer and her selfless assistant get teary all over again at the thought of parting ways. Sniffle. Then Victory leaves to get some lunch, and Reese drops the sweetness-and-light act and grabs a nearby sketchpad. She tears out a few pages of design sketches that I'm guessing are supposed to be brilliant, even though they look like the result of many hours spent playing with a vintage set of Tomy Fashion Plates. (Has there ever been a better use for black crayons?)
Patty leaves Nico's office, promising to have a new proposal together "by 3." "Nice meeting you," Nico says pointedly as Kirby follows Patty out. Then Nico shuts the door and leans against it, the way weak-kneed women do, and indulges in another sex-with-Kirby flashback, this one even hotter than the last. Her reverie is interrupted when real-life Kirby returns. Nico launches into a speech about how she's married and their tryst was a one-time thing, and bemused Kirby tells her he just came back to get his notebook. Bo-oing! Again!
Now we join our three leading ladies at lunch. Crisis, schmisis -- BFFs always have time for a sit-down lunch together, right? Wendy wallows in misery over the nanny book (which Victory is skimming for references to herself), and over her husband's failure to be outraged by same. "Everyone that knows you knows that you're a great mother," says Victory (can the characters please agree to call her "Vicky," so I can, too?). Nico thinks that Wendy should "kill" the book by dropping in on Mariska, advising, "Burn a green card in her face." Nice. Victory wants to order wine and talk about her own business problems. "It's called a transition," says Wendy. "Downsizing to a smaller office is a transition," Victory replies. "Making dresses in your kitchen is called Mildred Pierce." Ha! That line seems too smart for Victory, but still -- oh, show, you've found my weakness. "I thought she made pies," says movie-exec Wendy, who would know. Victory doesn't care. Wendy thinks Victory should go take a walk, for inspiration...
...but Vic opts for sitting on her couch watching an old movie instead of going outdoors. (Not that there's anything wrong with that; in fact, this may be the only time I'll ever identify with Victory.) The movie she's watching is not Mildred Pierce, alas, but it still looks more absorbing than this storyline. And I bet there will be less whining. Inspired by the snappy 1930s banter on the screen, Victory picks up her pad and starts sketching. And tearing out pages. And drinking wine, pulling faces, and tearing out more pages. We watch her do this for a long while; eventually it seems like she's ripping out pages she hasn't even written on yet. Somebody needs a new set of Fashion Plates!
Nico arrives back at the office, where her assistant (Tony Award winner Adriane Lenox, everybody!) tells her that Patty's concept boards are ready. "Shit is in the bessinger," she says, and I have to rewatch a few times before I figure out she's trying to say, "Should I send a messenger?" No need to worry about that enunciation, because Nico barely hears her. At the mention of Patty's studio, she's overcome by another series of adulterous-sex flashbacks. She turns on her powerful heels and announces that she'll go downtown to pick up the boards herself.
Kirby's alone at the studio when Nico gets there. "Want to see what we've come up with?" he asks, but what he means is, "Want to see me naked?" and it's not really a question. Kirby quickly strips off his clothes, inviting Nico to "picture Prince Willy-boy's head, but on a much hotter body." Wow, there's nothing hotter than an immensely self-regarding man. Kirby reclines so that Nico can get a better view of his naked body (which, of course, we see only from the waist up). He dismisses her "I came down here on business" story -- which, to his credit, is bullshit -- and they start getting it on.
Wendy has Mariska's manuscript open on her lap, in the back seat of a chauffeured car, while she talks on her cell to househusband Shane. "You put that book down, didn't you?" he sighs. "Of course!" Wendy lies. Then she hangs up, claiming that she has a meeting, as the car stops in front of Mariska's house in Flushing.
Victory is taking that walk after all, at an outdoor flea market. She recognizes a purple knit beanie cap and flips out. "It's mine!" she exclaims, but the street vendor tells her that the hat's been sold to the drag queen standing behind her. Victory explains to Mr. Queen that she designed the hat as part of her final project at FIT, and gave it to her teacher as a gift. "Do I look like I give a rat's ass?" says Mr. Queen, speaking for all of us. You might think that this guy, with his fabulous red scarf and elbow-length gloves, would be impressed when she whispers, "I'm Victory Ford." But he's so not. He strolls away with the hat. No victory for Victory! If you listen carefully, you can hear Nelson Muntz's high-pitched "Ha ha!" echoing in her head.
Back at the photo studio, Nico and Kirby are having sex, surrounded by photo-shoot props. It's the usual barrage of knees and elbows you expect from a network show, but then it gets extra-ridiculous as Kirby grabs a nearby nectarine, bites it, and squeezes the juice into Nico's mouth and rubs it on her chest. I don't really know what he's trying to do there, but watching it has put me off citrus fruits for a month.
Wendy is standing on Mariska's doorstep, trying to get some answers. Mariska is silent until "Freddy" drives up -- her literary agent, remember? Turns out he's less of an "agent" and more of a greasy, low-level mafia thug. Freddy orders Mariska inside, dropping double negatives all over the place to show how tough he is. "I don't work for you, neither," he sneers at Wendy. She draws herself up to her full Brooke Shields-y height and sneers back down at him: "That book's pathetic and ugly, and no one's ever going to publish it or make it into a movie." As Wendy gets back into her car (excuse me: her SUV), Freddy tells Wendy that they've already got a publisher. He calls after her, "You could pick up your copy at Barnes & Nobles." Of course he says "Barnes & Nobles." Of course he does.
Victory has decided to follow the drag queen home, and we watch her do so for blocks. Finally, Mr. Queen wheels around and threatens his pursuer with pepper spray, but -- alas -- does not follow through. He disappears inside his building, leaving Victory victory-less yet again.
Another odd and intrusive song choice (this time it's "Teach Me Tonight") takes us back to the photo studio, where Nico is lying naked on the floor -- with her backside covered, of course, by a tastefully arranged sheet -- basking in the late-afternoon light and flipping through a book, possibly the one she came here to get. Because that's just how you behave after you have an afternoon tryst you don't want anyone to find out about, in the middle of a very busy work day. Kirby, also naked, pulls out a camera and starts snapping pictures of Nico, purring, "This light is too good to waste." Nico is embarrassed by the picture-taking, but not in a "please don't take pictures of me, a powerful executive, in the act of committing adultery" kind of way. I'd expect Nico to be more upset under the circumstances. "Who is this guy...your husband?" asks Kirby. "I mean, how does he let you out of his sight for a minute?" Nico strikes a thoughtful pose. My husband does let me out of his sight! Quite often! Where did it all go wrong?
Wendy's school-uniform-clad daughter, Maddie, is in her office, attacking a gift basket of chocolate and being an adorably sassy preteen. Sal comes along to give Wendy "an update on Mariska," but he stops when he spots Maddie. "If this is about Mariska's book, you can talk in front of me," says Maddie. She heard about it while she was making photocopies of her homework in the copy room. Wendy asks who the publisher is, and Sal tells her, "Bainbridge Press." This just makes Wendy angrier. It turns out that Wendy has an enemy at Bainbridge, Janice Lasher, who's been out to get Wendy ever since a deal over a poorly sourced Hillary Clinton bio went bad. Sal and Maddie think she should try to play nice, but Wendy insists that her rival "does not do nice." Incidentally, the first time I watched this scene I thought they were discussing someone named "Jana Slasher" who works at "Cambridge [University?] Press." I like my version better.
That evening, Wendy broods in her office, clutching her black-and-white damask-print mug and wondering what to do. Then she asks her assistant to get her the number for Janice Lasher.
Hector, the British guy who employs both Nico and Wendy, tells Nico that he wants to tone down the provocative content of the proposed "royal" layout, on the advice of the legal department. Nico's all postcoital and confident -- and, I imagine, sticky and smelling of nectarines -- saying that she doesn't need some "legal drone" to hamper her creativity. "What's gotten into you?!" Hector wants to know. (Oh, but he doesn't want to know.) "We have our magazine's integrity to protect!" Nico isn't so high on "integrity" right now, and you can tell that Hector's appeal doesn't impress her.
We get our first look at Janice -- horrible, outrageous, and played with scenery-chewing gusto by Lorraine Bracco -- when her secretary tells her that Wendy is on the phone. She answers, and Wendy uses her nicest tone to say, "Hey, Janice, it's Wendy Healy." "I know that. Uhhh, I have an assistant?" Janice replies, making sure Wendy can hear her eyes rolling. "What can I do for you?" Wendy gives up on the "nice" tactic she knew wouldn't work anyway and cuts to asking about Mariska's book (which she carefully refers to as "a work of fiction"). Janice claims that two other film studios are already bidding on it. A stunned Wendy declines to make an offer of her own, and Janice hangs up on her. Wow. If anyone were that mean to Victory, I think she'd explode.
Speaking of Victory, she's now strolling through the park with rich jerk Joe. He doesn't want to hear about Victory's stupid hat either. (That makes everybody! Shut up, Victory!) Joe wants to make out. But Victory wants to tell Joe all about how the hat represents her young hopes and dreams, blah blah. "I wanted to live in a place where I could dare to be lucky and live out loud," Victory breathes. Joe tells her to go make that speech to her drag queen friend -- except for those last lines, which "sounded better when Susan Hayward said them in 1959." Oh, snap! Victory can't be-leeve Joe knows "that movie." He finally gets his smooch.
Wendy and Shane are in bed but not smooching: he's trying to sleep, and she's obsessing over Mariska's manuscript, pages of which are strewn across the bed. She reads Shane, and us, a few more quips from the book -- fill in your own "metrosexual" joke here. Shane suggests that perhaps they might find a better reason to stay awake, nudge-nudge, but Wendy turns him down: "I cannot handle being screwed by two people at once." Heh. "Not everything in here is fiction," Wendy frets. Like, for example, the part about their son's birthday party -- how did Mariska find out about that, anyway? Suddenly-guilty-looking Shane tries to change the subject, turning out the lights and rolling over abruptly. Hmm.
morning, the three GFs are working out together -- do they have a private gym or something? -- and the show does not try to trick us into thinking they're having sex, so that's something to be grateful for. They're all giving each other updates on their respective professional struggles. Wendy doesn't know what to do about Janice, and Nico is still "scrambling" to cope with the prince problem. "It's fun to realize you have all the responsibilities and none of the power, isn't it?" she remarks, and at first I think she's commenting on the obsolescence of the monarchy, but then I realize she's probably making a Statement about being a Working Woman. Wendy doesn't seem to know what she's talking about, either, so she just offers a noncommittal nod. Victory takes a call, and the others exchange a look when she answers with a "Hiiii!" But they should have been able to tell by the lack of helpless whining that it wasn't Joe calling. In fact, it was "an old friend" who's calling to let her know Bergdorf's wants to see her new stuff. She doesn't have any new stuff to show, as we know, so off she dashes (as she gathers up her things, she adds, "Breakfast meeting!" which seems like excuse overkill -- Victory, if you want to leave, just say so, I promise we won't object). Nico tells Wendy, "You're vibrating," and Wendy replies, "I'm angry!" It's a stupid joke -- she meant your phone, duh -- but Brooke Shields sells it anyway. Wendy checks her phone and finds a voicemail from Mariska. "I never want to hurt you!" it says. "When this person come to me, she offer so much, I...I don't know what to do! I'm sorry."
At home, Wendy plays the message for Shane. "She's caving! Will you do it?" she asks. Shane seems to be hoping that the ground will open and swallow him whole, so that he can avoid doing whatever it is Wendy wants him to do.
Back at Nico's, Mr. Reilly is playing the know-it-all historian, nattering that "Britain has a long tradition of baring the royal flesh," and citing seminude portraits of Charles II's mistress as precedent. Nico can't be bothered to point out that this is completely idiotic -- a racy painting of some woman the seventeenth-century king slept with in no way makes it appropriate for the current heir to the throne to pose nude in Bonfire magazine. If Charles himself posed for Lely in the altogether, then we might have an argument. "The bare body doesn't have to be lewd," the husband concludes. "It depends on the context." Nico goes back to thinking about some of the contexts in which she's been bare lately.
Victory shows up outside Mr. Queen's building with coffee and pastries, but before she can buzz his apartment, an old lady comes out, escorted by her driver. Victory slips inside after they pass, and it takes her much longer than the rest of us to notice that the lady is wearing the very hat that Vic is looking for. "That's my hat!" Victory wails, but the closed captions render it as, "That's my cab!" Way to pay attention there, captioners. By the time Victory gets back outside, the lady has left in her car. Victory hails a taxi to follow her.
Nico shows some proposed layouts to a gray-haired suit in her office. "Using Charles II as inspiration, we see the prince and his lady representing the dawn of a new era," she explains. Quick, Nico, who was Charles II's "lady"? Because I'm pretty sure you don't know, and you seem awfully pleased with yourself for a woman who has no clue what she's talking about. (Fun fact: Prince William is actually descended from Charles II, via one of Charles's many illegitimate children! Hope he has a sense of humor about that!) As the old guy looks at the proposal, Nico gets up and uses a remote to close the blinds on her door, concealing Hector and Mike from view. I think that's supposed to represent the dawn of a new era, too.
Victory catches up to the old lady on the steps of a synagogue -- the wide-open doors give us a good view inside, in case the be-yarmulked driver didn't tip us off. Victory tries to talk the lady into selling her the hat (don't worry about keeping your voice down there, Vic), but the lady and her friend drive her away with a lot of "adorable" old-Jewish-lady shtick.
Freddy's red sports car (with a vanity plate, "BIG FRDDY") is parked outside Mariska's house when Wendy and Shane show up there in Wendy's enormous chauffeur-driven Escalade. Shane is begging Wendy not to drag him into this confrontation, but Wendy's convinced that Shane's charm is necessary to get Mariska to retract the book. She still can't figure out how Mariska found out about Taylor's cancelled birthday party, so Shane has to admit that he told Mariska, lamely adding, "I didn't think it would end up in a book." "So let me get this straight," says Wendy, tearing up. "My own husband thinks I'm a bad mother." Shane wants to discuss the issue somewhere else, but Wendy prefers to drive away and leave Shane standing on the curb. In Flushing! You'll have plenty of time to think about what you've done while you're riding the 7 train back home, my friend.
Vic is at a grocery store. Does this mean she's buying actual groceries? No, it turns out she was looking for a ribbon store (while trying to make a replacement hat for the Jewish lady) and found a Korean deli in its place. We know because Victory calls Reese for help. But Reese is already on the job elsewhere, and she's traded in her cutesy jumper and boots for a sexy dress and stilettos, so we know her life as Victory's assistant is far behind her. "Uh, can I call you back?" Reese asks Victory, just barely politely. Vic gets the message and hangs up with a "Good luck!" Reese turns back to a neck-scarf-wearing gentleman who's flipping through "her" designs -- the ones she swiped from Victory, of course. "I can see the Victory Ford influence, but you've clearly improved on her look," the man tells her. "How long did you work for her?" Reese innocently replies that she worked there for three years, "but she was busy back then, so she left a lot of the designing to me." Meow!
Nico checks her email and discovers that Kirby (presumably) has sent her a copy of one of the photos he took of her mostly-naked body, bathed in afternoon sunlight. He cropped Nico's head out of the shot and sent it with the message, "What do you think?" This indiscretion makes Nico smile. I'm not sure she's really fit for that creative director gig. They might want someone whose judgment is a little sounder. Nico closes the window in a hurry when Victory breezes in, announcing that she just wants to check her email "and cry softly in the corner." Shut up, Victory. "I have another hour to kill before the yizkor service is over," she explains. (Bo-oing!) Fortunately, we don't have to listen to her explain this to Nico, because now we cut to...
...Wendy's office. Shane has managed to find his way back from the outer reaches of Queens. He assures his wife that he didn't make a habit of venting to Mariska -- he just lost his temper once, and she happened to be around to listen: "Honey, you ran off to put out some fire on a vampire set in Romania and you left me having to tell a three-year-old that his birthday party had been cancelled." Oh, come on now, that's just dumb. A three-year-old wouldn't care. Put on a Laurie Berkner CD, give him a juice box and some animal crackers, and get out a sheet of bubble wrap. Best party ever. Shane goes on to insist that he wouldn't voice that complaint now, two years later -- he's getting used to "sharing" his wife with the public. He just wants Wendy to do what she needs to do to get past this book nonsense. "Wendy, you're a wonderful mother," he says, leaning forward as the music gets soft and sentimental. "I know that; the kids know that. Isn't that enough?"
We rejoin the girls at Nico's office a bit too soon, as Victory is still going on about her damn hat. "Victory, can I say something?" Nico sighs. "Not if it's mean," Victory pouts. Well, what is the point of talking to you, then? Nico revises whatever mean thing she was probably going to say into an inspirational speech about how starting over is a risk, but also a new beginning. Then her intercom announces, "Hector Matrick, coming in!" and Nico shoves Victory off the couch and out the door, lest Nico's boss discover her in the midst of a soft, girly moment. Of course, the "Hector, you remember Victory" she tosses off when Hector enters makes me think she's been caught in similar moments before. (Nico: if you want a promotion, drop Victory! She's not worth it!) Hector has come to announce that Prince William signed the contract, but he's not pleased, because the contract he signed was based on "yesterday's boards" -- the ones Hector nixed. "That was a mistake," he spits. Nico -- psyched up by her own pep talk about risk-taking -- tells Hector that she trusted her instincts, "and if this job doesn't come with that privilege, well, then, I shouldn't be here." Hector leaves without another word. Will Nico lose her job? Stay tuned to find out!
I can't decide how I feel about another trip to Janice Lasher's office. She brings some much-needed earthiness to this show, but she's so stomach-curdlingly bitchy that I have a hard time watching these scenes. I will say that I believe the character -- over-the-top as she is -- more than I buy the zebra-print dress and long, powder-pink coat she's wearing. Janice welcomes Wendy, who says, "I promised myself I wouldn't negotiate with a terrorist, but here we are." "Truth hurts, doesn't it?" smirks Janice. Wendy gives Janice license to say whatever she wants about her as a professional: "But when it comes to my family, you're out of bounds." What does Janice want to achieve? Wendy wonders. Does Janice want Parador to buy a book from her? "I sent you a book, hon," Janice snarls. So Wendy launches into a boilerplate speech about how juggling demands of work and family is extra-hard for women, blah blah, fast-forward. Janice waits until Wendy reaches her climax, and then coldly cuts her down: "You must have me confused with your shrink." Heh. She shows Wendy the door, so Wendy tries to salvage her dignity with one more speech about how she can't understand why Janice wants to bash other professional women. "Go ahead. Publish your book," she says defiantly. "It'll be your legacy, not mine." Wendy flounces out, and it looks for a brief moment like she might have hit Janice with a home truth.
Outside the office building, Wendy stops, collects herself, and wipes away a tear brought on by the intense emotional experience she's just been through. Then she walks off, confident and poised. Unfortunately for her, a photographer hiding somewhere nearby caught her two seconds of vulnerability on film, in multiple frames. Bad news for Wendy, worse news for us; I'm pretty sure we're in for a speech about how a professional woman can never afford to let 'em see her sweat in some future episode.
Nico hears a bell ding as she's running toward the elevator bank, and calls out, "Hold that, please!," because people on television don't know how totally obnoxious it is to expect other people to hold an elevator for you. Especially when there are more than three elevators at your disposal. I don't care if you're the damn Queen of the Universe. You can wait for the one. Happily, whoever's inside ignores her request, so Nico steps onto the waiting elevator right to the one she missed, and of course, Hector is on it. For a moment I expect Hector and Nico to make out, but then I remember that this isn't Private Practice. Instead, they chitchat awkwardly about Nico's suit, and then Hector does something that makes me think this might be a Shonda Rhimes show after all: he hits the "STOP" button. Again, why do people on TV think that this is acceptable behavior? Other people are waiting for that elevator! Have your argument in an office, like grownups! Down with elevator etiquette abuse on television! Anyway, Hector tells Nico that he spent all night considering whether he might replace her, but concluded that he gave her the job at Bonfire for a reason. Still, he reminds Nico that her decisions affect other people, because she's part of a team, and she should act accordingly in the future. "It doesn't take much for a halo to turn into a noose," he adds nonsensically. Maybe that's what it said on his teabag this morning. Then he restarts the elevator.
The doorbell rings at Victory's house. When she goes to answer it, I notice that she has a blue screen-shaped thing on her wall that says "Happiness" in white letters. It looks like Picture Picture. Oh, if only that were Mr. McFeely at the door, come to show us a video about how hats are made or something, instead of Joe, come to continue their irritating flirtation. He has brought lunch, and also -- surprise! -- the purple hat. He bought it back from the old lady. "Oh, Joe," says Victory, pouting. She's all insecure because she met him now -- not two years ago, when she was successful and impressive. "Now I look like this needy person who always needs to be saved," she says. "What makes you think I'm saving you?" replies Joe, that smoothie. Then he pulls out the seafood, tells her to get back to work, and pretends to walk away. But the music kicks back in, so you know it's time for a big wet kiss -- even though the song now playing seems to be written from the point of view of a woman thinking about her ex being with a new girlfriend. Is Victory thinking about Reese right now, or is this episode just striking out when it comes to appropriate song choices? By the way, just as Victory and Joe kiss, the captions identify the song title and artist. They can't get Victory's line about the hat right, but they make sure we know whose voice is distracting us from what's happening on the screen! (I'm sure deaf people are really happy to have that information.)
Cut to a Manhattan sidewalk, along which the three GFs are walking arm-in-arm, like British schoolgirls. Newsflash, TV: Adults don't do that. Especially not adults carrying heavy oversized bags and cups from Starbucks. They look ridiculous. Victory wants to know how things are going with "Charles" -- that would be Nico's husband. Nico dodges the question, saying that they've been married seventeen years, Charles is really smart, blah blah evasivecakes. She finally admits that she and Charles can talk about everything but the sex they're not having. Then she stops and strikes a philosophical pose. "I don't know why we expect to get everything from one person," she says. "I mean, is that fair to them? Or us?" Don't forget the part about the halo becoming a noose! Vic and Wendy just stare at her in horror, until Wendy finally asks, "You're not thinking of leaving Charles, are you?" Nico blows this off -- "I'm asking the question" -- and then changes the subject to the celebrating that is in order, since Victory "got [her] mojo back" and Wendy "slayed the dragon." So off they go for margaritas. (Looks like Shane will be putting Taylor to bed again tonight.) Maybe now we'll finally get a look at why these three women are such fast friends?
But no, we don't follow them to the bar. Instead, we get to see Janice looking over the pictures her paparazzo took of Wendy crying. She picks one out and tells her assistant to send it to Page Six. "Tell them to run it with a caption: 'Tsunami for Bad Mommy,'" she says. Oof. No victory for Janice. Or Wendy. Honestly, no victory for anybody at all.