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Wasting no time whatsoever, the pilot episode gets off to an expository start by introducing us to our three main characters via a ham-fisted newscast that informs us that our lovely leading ladies have all pushed their way onto the list of New York's Most Powerful Women. The Brooke is portraying Wendy Healy, and she's the president of Parador Pictures. The Raver is portraying Nico Riley, the editor-in-chief of Bonfire magazine. And The Price is portraying the ridiculously named "Victory Ford," a fashion designer who likes to have her models wear tiny hats made of feathers. There are men in Lipstick Jungle as well, but they all seem to be relegated to the background as good-looking annoyances who don't really understand or support their ladies.
All the ladies have issues, of course, and we spend this first episode getting a glimpse at them. Victory's basically a really bad designer, and her latest fashion show is a resounding dud. Wendy is nurturing some silly movie based on the life of Galileo, with Leonardo DiCaprio in the title role. Her adorably rumpled husband has issues with his wife's career and how she's the breadwinner instead of him. Nico is surrounded by mean and nasty men at the office and her husband ignores her, which makes her embark upon an affair with a much younger man.
Wendy and her husband seem to be on the brink of a potential separation, seeing as he resents her success and hates that he's a househusband. She wants to work it out, and he does too, but it's not looking good. Victory gets wooed by a blandly squinty Andrew McCarthy, who starts out kind jerky, but winds up being rich and romantic, which is really the best combination a girl could hope for, no? Nico doesn't tell her girlfriends about her shagfest with her boy toy, but I'm fairly certain that will NOT end well.
The Brooke gets all the good lines, The Raver gets all the hot sex, and The Price gets to make out with Andrew McCarthy. I think she got the crap end of the deal, don't you? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hey look! It's 9 to 5! Oh, I love this movie! All the shoes and the hair and the -- oh, wait. It's the beginning of Lipstick Jungle. My bad.
We begin in New York. The streets of busy, stylish Manhattan, to be precise. Various shots of lovely legs are seen hurrying along, and at the end of all the legs are high-heeled and somewhat slutty-looking shoes. One pair in particular looks like it belongs on a leopard-clad version of Cruella de Ville. Then, of course, we see a cute little pair of flats at the end of a pair of skinny legs in jeans. They're skipping and tripping and clearly not nearly as fabulous as the other sexy high-heels we've just seen. To hammer this point home, the owner of the shoes drops her bag on the ground and the contents appear to include a script or two, some cough drops and a few children's toys.
"And turning our attention to women at the top of the field," says a newscaster's unctuous voice, "Wall Street Magazine's list of the 50 Most Powerful Women came out today." The owner of the dropped bag gathers up her belongings and stands to face the TV screen on which the newscaster speaks, just as a picture of Brooke Shields in all her glory appears. "Wendy Healy, the president of Parador Pictures, is number twelve on the list," continues the newscaster as the bag lady flips her hair and we see that, of course, it is none other than Wendy Healy herself, distractedly pulling pieces of hair out of her mouth and skittering off to wherever it is she's supposed to be.
After a shot of the lovely Chrysler Building, the newscaster tells us that Nico Reilly, the editor-in-chief of Bonfire Magazine has just moved up from number twenty-five on last year's list. Nico has a better choice in shoes than dear Wendy (they're a fairly high animal print number with red soles), but she looks as if she's never far from a car service, so it's understandable that she's dressed as if she's going to a cocktail party at Ivana Trump's right now. Nico is clearly very powerful and busy. We know this because she's in the back of a town car and she's looking at her Crackberry. I look at my Crackberry all the time too. But I do it on a bus. That's how you know I'm not powerful or busy or the editor-in-chief of a magazine named after something kids do on homecoming weekend.
At the bottom of the list is poor, sweet little Victory Ford, who is wearing a hideous pair of leopard print wedgies that I'd like to douse with gasoline and set aflame. Apparently, Victory used to be a super-hot designer, but she stumbled in last year's Fashion Week, so this year she barely made the cut. Perhaps if she didn't insist on paying homage to Swan Lake by slapping headbands on her models that seem to be made from white feathers, she would've been further up on the damn list this year. Victory is hoping to regain her Vogue-bestowed title of "The Golden Child" at her new show during this year's Fashion Week. Anna Wintour just cracked her latest facelift by raising an eyebrow and ordering Assistant Five to fire Candace Bushnell immediately, even though she's not actually a member of the staff.
Cut to a Fashion Week. How do we know it's Fashion Week? Because the big-ass sign stapled to a gaudily decorated tent TELLS us it is. Inside the tent, Wendy sluffingly makes her way along the front row and greets Nico, who seems to have been there awhile and is wearing a golden tinfoil trench coat, even though she's technically inside now. They call each other beautiful and tell each other how great they both look and Wendy apologizes for being so late but she had to walk from 50th street because even though she's the head of a big production company, she is NOT the editor-in-chief of a magazine, so she does NOT take cars or taxis to big fashion events!
Wendy nervously wonders if Victory got her present already, because she really wanted her to get her present before the show not after because it'll mean more if it's before the show not after and Nico's like, "Jesus, shut UP about the present already and somebody wrap me around a potato and shove me in the oven!" Backstage, Victory unwraps her present and it's a huge snow globe with...a globe inside. So it's a globe within a globe. Victory bites her lip and reads the note that tells her that she owns the world and she should stop biting her lip. It also orders her to knock 'em dead.
The lights dim on the runway as Wendy and Nico hold hands nervously. The models make their walks and the clothing is truly awful, but I could probably say that about half the shit making its way down half the runways at Fashion Week because I have NO clue what's cool and what isn't. I know what's pretty and what isn't, but then again, I watch Project Runway. Wendy and Nico are suitably impressed with everything they see on the catwalk and the second Victory comes out, they stand up and give her a few bravos. Sparkles come down from the ceiling...
...which dissolves into a screaming headline: "No Victory For Victory". HAHAHAHA. That is just the best headline EVER. Except the part where it isn't. Victory agrees with me, because she is sobbing and disconsolate and a total cupcake-snarfing mess. "'Out with the old, in with the ew'?" she sniffles. "I mean, that's just mean." And badly written. Don't forget the badly written. Nico and Wendy have obviously come over to show their support and they listen and hand out tissues and generally try to boost Victory's spirits. However, judging by the fact that Victory lives in a TWO-STORY APARTMENT, I'd say her spirits don't need THAT much boosting.
Which is probably a good thing, because Wendy and Nico kind of suck at it. They tell her that it's the clothes the critics are rejecting, but since Victory IS her clothes, this only makes her eat more cupcakes. Mmmmm. Cupcakes. Wendy tells Victory to just lay low until all of this is over and says that she can use the house in Montauk. "The freezer is stocked with Dove Bars and weed," says Wendy. Damn. Does she need a house sitter? Because I'll make myself available, thanks. Nico heartily disagrees with this plan, saying that Victory should face her problems, not run from them. "A true player responds to disaster as if nothing's happened. When they smell fear in this town, it's over." Who the hell gave Nico that advice, Jimmy Cagney? Did we somehow go back in time to the forties? Are they going to start calling each other "dames" in a minute?
Wendy tries to soften Nico's message by telling Victory that they all have those dark moments in the night where they doubt themselves, but Nico ruins this by declaring that she doesn't have them and that there's no such think as luck; there's just talent and hard work. "I find it offensive that women feel they have to apologize for their success!" she states, getting up from the sofa. Well, I find it offensive when TV shows feel they have to TELL me that women feel they have to apologize for their success! So THERE, Nico! She tosses the review into the fireplace as Wendy says, "I always thought she screwed her way to the top." "Yeah, those are definitely the stories I heard," quips Victory. Nico giggles like a girl and throws herself down on the sofa and they all share one of those girly moments that I have pretty much never had in my entire life had. Let's just say if this was me and my friends Ash and Maha, we wouldn't be in a huge apartment crying and eating cupcakes and talking about success. If this was us, we'd be at Cancun on 8th Avenue at three in the afternoon drinking margaritas bigger than our heads and talking about vibrators. Because that's how we roll.
The scene finally ends and brings us to the title card, complete with a nice wide swipe of red lipstick between "Lipstick" and "Jungle." OF COURSE.
I wonder if Brooke Shields agreed to do the show only if her Colgate commercials were shown? Ponder that and get back to me while I go inhale eighty cupcakes laced with tequila, would you?
After the break, we head on over for a peek at Wendy's disastrous home life. She and her hubby are in bed, dead to the world. Her cell phone rings and she groggily answers it. Unfortunately, Julian Sands is on the other end, and he's none-too-pleased with her. We know this because he utters the unintentionally hilarious line, "Did you know that DreamWorks are also planning a Galileo project?" HAHAHAHA. Wendy's not finding this as humorous as I am, however, and she asks him where in the hell he is that he's calling her when it's still dark outside. He's in London, and he doesn't give a good goddamn what time it is in her world, what about he damn Galileo project?! Shane, Wendy's husband, grumbles something and rolls over, as she heads out into the apartment to find her notes.
She assures Julian Sands that their project is still on track and Leonardo di Caprio is attached and none of this matters because right now some little boy enters the bedroom screaming about how he stepped in the cat's vomit and, sadly, this storyline is slightly more interesting than the one involving Wendy explaining to Julian Sands that Leonardo di Caprio's Galileo will be the best. Galileo. Ever. Chaos erupts around the house as Wendy continues to talk to Julian Sands. The cat pukes on the pillows, Shane gets out of bed, the kid yammers on and on until finally, Wendy ends her call and asks everyone what's going on. Her son informs her that the cat went under the bed to die. I think I'm going to join him.
The older daughter enters the room and asks who's dying and Wendy says no one is and then she tells her daughter to go back to bed because it's so early and Shane complains that Julian Sands doesn't seem to care how early it is and he and Wendy bicker back and forth about Julian Sands and it's fairly clear that their marriage is a bit fractious when it comes to Wendy's job. Gee, wonder if that'll be important later on? Note to self: Check and see if The Dresden Files are coming back to Sci-Fi, because as much as I loves me some Paul Blackthorne, I'd really rather see me some Paul Blackthorne as Harry Dresden. (P.S. I saw Mr. Blackthorne in person at some Marie Claire shindig at the Hearst Building and he is just as adorable and rumpled and tall as he looks on this show. I was too chickenshit to go up and tell him how much I loved him, though. Also, I had four pomegranate martinis in my hands. Yes, they were all for me.)
Wendy sends the kids off to get cleaned up and says she's going to take a shower. She stops off at the kitchen table and looks at a bunch of papers. She asks Shane if he filled everything out, and he says he did everything but the essay. She's floored. He tells her she has sixty words or less to tell the private school administrative board why she wants her son in their high-priced institution. She follows him into the bedroom and reminds him that the meeting got pushed up to three from four. Now it's his turn to be floored. He has a meeting about "the restaurant" at that time. She insists that they both have to be there. She's rescheduled her entire day. This, of course, prompts him to fishwife about how since HIS day isn't filled with important power lunches and phone calls with actors, HIS time isn't nearly as important as HERS. You can see where this is going. I love both these actors (I do! I love Brooke! She's hilarious and seems really nice. And Paul...well, I believe I've made myself clear about Paul. Yum.) but god, this dialogue is so tired and worn out that it's making an appointment at a regenerative retreat in the Himalayas in order to find its inner child.
They snap at each other and finally she walks off and he stops her, realizing he's being a prat, and he promises to make it all work. She thanks him and he pulls her to him and they noodle around and kiss and he tries to get her to come back to bed but she can't and he says they'll make it quick and she says he actually CAN'T and where did she FIND him? She goes off to take a shower and he good-naturedly grumbles that not being quick in the sack used to be a GOOD thing. It still is, Shane. It still is. So, to sum up: Wendy is successful at her job; Shane is a house-husband with dreams of opening up a restaurant; she resents that she has to juggle her much busier and more important schedule just to assuage his ego and he resents her, in general, for bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan. Got all that?
Cut to Nico in her closet getting dressed for the day while her disinterested husband thinks about blank paper in the background. Or maybe it's college-ruled. But never quadrille-ruled. That would have too much depth. Nico's bitching about some guy at work who wants to take all the credit for everything she's done and how he is just going to make tonight about him and her husband's all, remind me about tonight? And she's all, the Bonfire web launch, dude. And I'm all, I launched the site for our magazine while I was stuck at the Atlanta airport Houlihan's in the middle of a serious storm and there was no big-ass hoity-toity party for THAT. I want a job at Bonfire. Apparently, they throw huge cocktail parties for things like new refrigerators and shipments of paper clips!
Nico and her husband continue to get dressed as she continues to bitch about this work rival who apparently hates her because she's a woman. Did you know that men just want women to never succeed? I did not know that. Thank god there's this show to fill me in! Also, Julian Sands seems to have something to do with Bonfire as well as Wendy's production company, because Nico mentions his name and how he likes the guy better, even though she totally turned the magazine around. Her husband derisively sneers out how Julian Sands recognizes her value at "that magazine" and Nico hates that he says "that magazine" and treats it like it were a disease and he says that he thinks her talents are being wasted there and how he'd rather see her brokering peace in the middle east because all editors-in-chief of magazines would fit right in with Hamas and the Taliban and anyone else who knows how to mark up a sentence or hail a cab.
Nico basically begs her husband to go with her to the launch party because if he doesn't, she's totally going to make out with a college student in the bathroom. He could give two shits, because he still has a syllabus to construct and clearly that takes precedence over his wife's possible infidelity. She says that she could stay home and they could order in and sit on the sofa and discuss the Trojan War, but he'd rather she think about Trojans of another kind while at the party so that he can go off and drink scotch and molest a card catalog or something. He convinces her to go, and she holds her face up for a kiss on the lips, which he totally ignores, instead kissing her on the forehead because she's his DAUGHTER all of a sudden. So to sum up: Nico is successful at her job, a job which her husband thinks is beneath her because he wears elbow patches and makes syllabuses; Nico is willing to toss away the fruits of her success in order to have one night at home with her husband who seems to have left his libido on the coat rack in the classroom he rarely leaves; Nico would like a little sex and a lot of appreciation, neither of which she's getting from her husband, therefore, she is ripe for an affair. Got all that?
Hubby leaves as Nico's phone rings. It's Victory, smearing lip gloss on her face as she walks down the street. She informs Nico that she's taking her advice and facing her public. She feels so much better. She's the same Victory she always was, and no stupid review can change that! She enters her design studio and is faced with the entire staff and a mournfully delivered, "Hiiiiiii." Complete with mass head tilts. Victory looks like she's going to throw up. I think we can sum up Victory with one sentence: Dippy designer-type with cute personality who has never quite reached her full potential but whom everyone keeps around because she's sweet and has a great apartment. Oh, and she's always falling in love with the wrong guys. Am I right or am I right?
Cut to Parador Pictures as Wendy dashes in and is informed by some douchebag with a headset that she's late and has the dailies for some movie to watch. She hopes that today's footage is going to be better than yesterday and then she sweetly barks orders at everyone as she picks at a muffin, telling them all to put down their Sudoku puzzles and get on the phone to their assistant friends and find out if DreamWorks actually has a Galileo project. The impression we're supposed to get of Wendy is that she's scattered and charming and likes muffins but is still very good at her job and universally loved by all her staff.
Nico, on the other hand, likes to be greeted at the door by her assistant, because isn't that what all EIC's do? (Mine shows up at 8 AM because the bus he takes is an express at 7:30 from his neighborhood and he refuses to take taxis because they're expensive and his assistant shows up at 10 because she likes to sit at home and read the Times and do the crossword and just cannot be rushed through that to get to the office by 9 and isn't it just all so GLAMOROUS and HIGH-POWERED and MAGAZINE-Y?) Nico orders her assistant to get Julian Sands on the phone so that she can brief him about tonight's event, but the assistant informs her that Mike, Nico's nemesis, has already done that. Nico's all, what? He doesn't know jack shit about the web launch. The assistant is all, oh, but he does. Mostly because his assistant came by last night and picked up your notes. You know, the ones in your OFFICE? Because that's not STEALING or anything. Nico is understandably peeved. The assistant apologizes profusely as Nico just tells her to get Mike on the phone, like, NOW.
Back with Victory as she tries to assure everyone that she's fine, it's fine, that's fine, everything's fine! Besides, she has 325 stores in Asia! She's a big deal! Except that she isn't, because her assistant hands her a message from Mrs. Ikito in Japan. She hated the New York show and wants to have a meeting week in Tokyo to discuss the future. Victory slams her head down on the desk in disgust. Someone buzzes in on her phone and informs her that Joe Bennett is on the line. "The bazillionaire?" the assistant anviliciously gasps from the doorway. Victory knows who he is -- she just doesn't know why the hell he's calling her.
She picks up the phone and it's not, actually, Joe Bennett himself. It's his assistant, and she's asking if Victory can meet Joe for dinner tonight. Victory asks what it's about and the assistant says that it's not about anything -- it's just dinner. Victory's all, um, you mean you're asking me out? For your boss? And the assistant's all, yeah, pretty much. Victory is offended. But not too offended to not be pleased as punch when the assistant tells her that Mr. Bennett just loved her show the other night!
Cut to Wendy, who's in the screening room talking to some guy about Leonardo and the Galileo deal. They discuss how the deal isn't cemented with Leo and how she doesn't want DreamWorks to make a schmuck out of her and that's when we see the couple on the screen behind them part from their kiss and the guy actually grimaces as if he's in pain. "Did he just cringe after he kissed her?" asks the guy. "Oh my god," says Wendy blankly. "What is this director doing?"
Cut to Bonfire's web launch party. Nico gives a speech, detailing that Bonfire's become the best publication out there covering celebrities, politics and culture (I'm thinking it's supposed to be Vanity Fair then) and now it's going to be setting the standard in every media platform. She extends thanks to everyone from the hyphenated parent company as they all raise their glasses. As they applaud, the guy to her says that he heard she had a little "fit" about him briefing Julian Sands about the party. This is obviously Mike, the corporate woman-hating snake. He says that he was playing golf with Julian Sands this morning and it just seemed easier for him to brief the guy instead of her. Considering that this morning Julian Sands was in LONDON, unless Mike the Woman Hater was there too, I'd find it difficult for him to brief the guy at all, really.
Nico just sneers and says, "Thanks for clearing that up. Oh, I have something to clear up with you. When a woman expresses her concern that an important business matter be dealt with correctly, she's not throwing a fit. She's just doing her job. Enjoy the party." It's a nice line in theory. In practice, she'd remove all the female references and just stick to the, "Professionals don't throw fits when pricky backstabbing co-workers try to steal their thunder," line. He knows she's a woman. She doesn't need to POINT IT OUT.
I didn't realize until just now how much I disliked this show.
Speaking of disliking, what the sweet fancy Moses is Victory wearing for her date with the rich guy? It's a PINK metallic skirt with a matching PINK metallic belt and a lace overlay and I think someone in the editing room accidentally spliced in a scene from Girls Just Wanna Have Fun because what the hell? Victory's phone rings and it's Bennett's secretary informing her that the car is waiting outside. Victory tells her to tell Bennett that she'll be right down, but the secretary is all, yeah, no, Bennett's not actually IN the car, honey. The car is bringing you to him! Victory and her Metallic Pink Skirt of Pain are highly irritated by this turn of events.
Back at the launch party, Nico's sucking down scotch like it's seltzer when a hot boy toy saunters up and orders a beer and then asks if he can buy her a drink. She's good, thanks. Also? They're free, dumb-ass. He blathers something about free drinks being the best thing about parties like this with boring speeches and then he introduces himself as Kirby Atwood. Nico introduces herself and tells him that she's the one who gave the boring speech, even though, if he'd been there since the beginning, he'd have KNOWN that. He apologizes and says he has to buy her a free drink. She agrees. Sparks fly.
Parador. Wendy is watching dailies with the director. She's worried that the boy half of the romantic couple onscreen keeps looking at some guy with a dog who passes by. She asks the director to explain. He easily says that he was hoping she'd pick up on the fact that he's having the romantic lead play it as if he were secretly gay. Wendy's like, ARE YOU HIGH? She sits down in front of him and gently (and fairly diplomatically) tells him that it was a bold move putting him on a lighter film, but that she doesn't think it's a good fit. She's not happy, he's not happy. He's like, what's happening here?
Cut to Victory, rolling up in her slutmobile at Bennett's house, which is, of course, a gigantic graystone home on like five lots. He exits the building while talking on the phone to someone about her. He's talking loud enough so that people in the Bronx can hear, so Victory hears that he thinks she's pretty and gorgeous and she obviously likes this. Bennett, however, seems to be exhibiting quite a roster of annoyingly asshole-ish behaviors, including, but not limited to: talking on a phone while ordering around a secretary; talking on a phone instead of talking to one's date; ordering secretary to get his "bubbles" because he won't drink "restaurant champagne"; and ordering the same secretary to open said bottle with a terse, "you wanna open that?" It's so over the top that you just know this rich dickhead has to have a heart of gold. Also, it should be noted that Bennett is played by Andrew McCarthy, who has played his fair share of rich dickheads with hearts of gold, so that's probably a dead giveaway right there.
Back at the party, Nico's getting her drink on as Kirby's getting his flirt on. He says he can't stop looking at her and she's clearly flattered and giggly and slightly drunk and they're flirting at an OFFICE PARTY and she is the EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of the MAGAZINE. There are so many things wrong with this entire scenario that I can't even begin to articulate it. Yes, I know it's fictional and a fantasy and all that but for crap's sake! This is too much! She's the BOSS. The boss doesn't drink scotch at a launch party and flirt with hot boys!
Uch. Whatever. Kirby blabbles something about how she's hot and he leans in for a kiss and she runs off to the bathroom. Of course, seconds later, he enters the same bathroom and launches himself at her face and messes up her lipstick. She pulls back to ask him if he knows how old she is, like, that shouldn't be her first question, she should be all, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? But instead she asks if he cares that she's ninety and he doesn't, of course, because she's Kim Raver, and she keeps trying to push him off and yet he keeps coming back for more kissing and he tells her she's sexy and to shut up and it's actually kind of funny because Kim Raver's expression at one point is TOTALLY the expression you'd make if a hot guy was licking your neck in a bathroom at a corporate party. But finally, she puts a stop to it and says she's married and he says it's cool and tells her to give him a call if she changes her mind and then he kneels down and whips out his handy permanent marker which every hot guy carries on him for just such purposes and he writes his number on her thigh while she mugs for the camera.
Meanwhile, Victory is in the car with Bennett the Wonder Bastard and he's still on the damn phone. The second he gets off, however, Victory reads him the riot act about every last stupid thing he's done in the past day, basically calling him out for the champagne and the secretary and the whole not calling her himself thing. He states that his time is worth about five thousand dollars a minute and she's worth it! But if he'd called her and she'd turned him down, that would've cost him about $20,000. She tells him he can afford it, but he says it's not what he can afford, it's what he chooses to afford. He then wins her heart by saying that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, which means that if he's with her, it's because he's chosen to be there. Please. He's still a douchebag.
Later that night, Nico's in the bathroom at home, desperately trying to remove Kirby's number from her thigh. Her husband enters and doesn't even look at her as he asks if they have anything on the books for Sunday. When she asks why, he tells her all about some head of the history department and a panel in Amherst and an advance copy of his book and some promotion and how they could stay in a hotel or something and the gist of his dialogue is that he wants them to go away weekend for an overnight for his career. While he's talking, Nico not-too-subtly tries to woo him with her cleavage and skin, but he's not interested. Then she balls-out slips the robe off her thigh, revealing the number. He doesn't even see it. He says goodnight and she rubs her forehead and thinks of boy toys.
Victory and Bennett finally make it out of the car and into the restaurant where his non-restaurant champagne chills in a bucket out of the way. Victory makes the statement that he may not be as much of an ass as she originally thought. He laughs and says, "Well, you know what they say: All men are asses, all women are crazy." Who? Who says that? Mr. Big? Victory asks if he thinks she's crazy and he says he can't tell yet. Oh, this is a BANNER relationship they're starting here. "Hi, I'm a rich asshole. Want some champagne?" "Sure. I'm a vapid bad designer with a metallic pink skirt and a penchant for crying while eating cupcakes. Pass the caviar." He squints at her and says something pithy about the moments before you know someone and she toasts to "the moments before" and we mercifully move on to the day.
Wendy's in her office, ordering her assistant to find out about the Leo deal being closed. Then she shuffles through some papers and wonders why she's still getting production orders for that movie with the gay romantic lead. She thought she fired the director -- why is he still shooting? The assistant thought that was odd too. She tells him to get the director up here immediately so they can find out what's going on. Before he leaves, he tells her she has muffin on her breast and she chews as she tries infectively to rub it off.
Bonfire. Nico enters what appears to be a conference room, only Julian Sands and Mike the Woman Hater are having lunch instead of playing with pens and wondering if the cable hookup on the monitor gets porn. Nico pretends to be sorry that she's late for the meeting, but Julian Sands informs her that there is no meeting, they're having lunch. Nico then says that she wanted to make sure she stays in the loop and it's pretty clear that she's crashed this lunch in an effort to make Julian Sands aware that she's better than the boys. Some bickering ensues between Nico and Mike in regard to some Zurich agenda and Julian Sands finally is like, "Oh, bitch, PLEASE. Go down to your office and get the damn papers to which she's referring and enough already!"
So Mike leaves as Julian Sands tells Nico to sit the hell down because she's scary when she hovers. He asks her what's going on and she expresses concern that he's grooming Mike for creative director. Of...the magazine? Of...the whole company? Of DreamWorks? It would seem that she's talking about the whole company, though, because she mentions how she's taken Bonfire to the top and she could do the same with all the other magazines. Julian Sands, unfortunately, doesn't see her in that role. When she asks why, he claims it's because she's doing a good job where she is. Oh, and because she wants babies. Nico (and I) are like, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Apparently, Nico attended a baby shower with Julian Sands's wife a few weeks back and Nico became "quite misty" according to the wife. Okay, 1) no boss ANYWHERE would ever say something that sexist and archaic to someone if for no other reason than it might, I don't know, LAND THEM IN A BIG OLD HARRASSMENT SUIT and 2) Nico's gotta be pushing her mid-forties; clearly, if she's avoided babies this long, she's gonna keep on avoiding them until she just gets a damn dog instead. I mean, WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?
Nico argues that she is not interested in having babies and that even if she were, it would certainly be none of his damn business. Also? Mike has two kids. Also also? I'm just going to put a whole carafe of salt on Mike's salad while I'm talking to my boss because he's too stupid to notice and I'm too childish to care that I'm basically performing the equivalent of pantsing someone on the playground IN FRONT OF MY BOSS. Julian Sands collects his paycheck as he blathers something about how the last woman he promoted for a top post went off and dropped a kitten and lost her focus and drive and men and women are hardwired differently. He then notices the mound of salt on Mike's spinach and watches as Nico replaces the plate and he says, "You could prove me wrong, though." And Nico's all, yeah, thought I already did that. Didn't find this job at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box, homie. Thanks for the vote of confidence! She goes to leave, ignoring Julian Sands's invitation to stay for lunch, and Mike takes a bite of his salad, grimacing once he tastes the delicious blanket of iodine on top.
Later that day, the girls go shopping at some stands around a park. Because we girls do that. Nico's spouting off how she's still pissed off about what Julian Sands said to her, and Victory points out that she has said she wants a family but Nico tells her to shut the hell up. She rants on and on about how in the corporate world if you're a woman and you want a family, you're distracted, but if you don't, then there's something wrong with you and you're hiding testicles under your skirt! Ew. That sounds extremely uncomfortable. Not to mention unsanitary. ["I guess it depends on whose testicles?" -- Miss Alli] Wendy tells her to watch the volume and then asks if Nico knows who the woman exec was who let Julian Sands down. She gets this look on her face and Nico immediately tells her that no, it's not her; she's the best thing that ever happened to Parador.
They continue to talk about their problems, with Nico insisting that Wendy is Julian Sands's favorite child and Wendy insisting that if she doesn't get Leo, she may as well be Julian Sands's favorite dead step-child. She also mentions how she has a director who won't let her fire him and this raises flags for Nico. She's like, hang on -- what do you mean HE won't let YOU fire HIM? Wendy's all, oh, yeah, well, I called him and I fired him and we hugged and Nico's like, YOU HUGGED SOMEONE YOU FIRED? And of course Wendy's all huggy-bear kissy-face I'm the nicest boss in the world and Nico is like, yeah, there's no hugging in firing, because when in doubt, it's always a great idea to borrow lines from a film that's TEN YEARS OLD. ["I hate to tell you this, Erin, but...sixteen. Aren't we old?" -- Miss Alli]
Wendy insists that she can hug and fire and that you don't have to be cold and nasty to be in charge. "OH NOW I'M COLD AND NASTY," Nico shouts out to Victory across the way. "Oh look," says Victory, spraying some perfume around, "this takes away cold and nasty. Come over here!" Heh. One funny moment surround by dozens of un-funny does NOT a good hour of television make. Wendy tells Nico that they have different styles and Victory spreads some oil on Wendy's wrist and says that she picked up the check at dinner last night and Bennett almost had a stroke. Victory states that beneath all the rich bluster, she saw a cute little boy with dimples. Wendy asks if she's going to see Dimples again and she just smirks. "She's looking at coconut massage oil!" says Wendy. "You're gonna SLEEP with him!" Ew. I hope she sleeps with him BEFORE using the coconut massage oil, otherwise she's going to smell like a coconut cupcake. Or maybe that's what she wants. She is fond of cupcakes.
Victory tells Wendy not to give her the "you're a whore" look because some of us aren't lucky enough to be married to Shane the Love Machine. I'll say. Wendy smells the oil and asks Nico if her husband would like it. Victory asks what Nico's husband is into, and she just says, "Books. Writing them. Reading them. Discussing them." He sounds FASCINATING. Victory asks how long it's been since Nico's had sex with her husband, and she just says it's been a while. Wendy's phone rings and it's Julian Sands informing her that DreamWorks is going into production with Galileo tomorrow. Wendy thinks that's not possible. He bitches at her. She gets off the phone and rushes off to the office, telling Victory to buy Nico the massage oil because she needs it more than Victory does. Back in her company car, Nico spies Kirby's phone number on her thigh. She dials it and reminds Kirby when he answers just who she is.
Minutes later, she's inside his place and he's showing her around the two rooms while she pretends that she's not there to have sex with him. He shoves her up against a doorframe and asks her with a smirk if she'd like some wine, but she backs off, saying she has to get back to work. Kirby, of course, is having none of it, and he's telling her she looks fab and he's getting too close and he's breathing sexily all over her and finally she gulps that she'd like some wine, yes, as a matter of fact. He goes off to get it as she watches his ass leave the room.
On the other side of town, Shane's meeting with some people regarding his restaurant. Before they can go look at the property, however, the people snidely ask when Wendy's going to be there. Shane's all, why would she be here? I'm not opening a movie. They're all, yeah, but see, she's the primary investor and she does have that killer Rolodex. Shane's gets all prideful and states that the restaurant is HIS and his ALONE and then they all truck off to see the space and I hit the fast forward on this storyline because I don't care HOW much you hate your wife's job or how damaged your ego is, if you're opening up a restaurant and your wife runs a FILM COMPANY, you TAKE the rolodex and RUN. Because OH MY GOD.
Back with Nico, she's gulping her wine, but all Kirby wants to do is lick her neck and she gabbers at him endlessly and he asks her if she's okay and she says she is and he asks her if this is the first time she's cheated on her husband and she doesn't respond. He kisses her and tells her she has an amazing body and it's extremely hot and then he rips her stockings and it's even hotter except for where I'm thinking, "Damn, doesn't she have to go back to the office? She'll have to stop at the Duane Reade on the way..." Nico's less practical and boring than I am, though, and she just falls back on the desk and lets Kirby ravage her lady parts.
Parador. Everyone is running around on their cell phones trying to hammer out the Galileo deal. I could care less. I'm going to get some pudding. A lackey tells Wendy that she has Leonardo di Caprio on the line and Wendy rolls her eyes and gets a "look" on her face and flings her shopping bags into a chair and was she just shopping instead of dealing with this? I mean, did she go to lunch with the girls and just fuck off the whole Leo thing? OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE. So Wendy picks up the phone and tells Leo that Parador is pulling the offer as the whole office stands there and stares at her because that's PROFESSIONAL and totally what a bunch of MOVIE PEOPLE would do. She nice-nices him and lies that Russell Crowe is signed on to their version and then she hangs up the phone and tells all the people to just relax because he's going to call back. He doesn't do so immediately, of course, and everyone's quietly panicking until, duh, Wendy's phone rings and it's Leo and he chooses Parador she saved the day with her quick thinking because Leo di Caprio has nothing better to do than CALL EXECUTIVES DIRECTLY INSTEAD OF HAVING HIS AGENT HANDLE IT.
Over in Victory's gargantuan flat, her bell rings and it's a flower delivery person with a card from Bennett saying thanks for dinner and have a good trip to Tokyo. This leads to the oh-so-comical montage involving nine thousand flower delivery people coming in and out of the place with various gargantuan bouquets. Oh, that Bennett! He's such a rich softie!
At the future school of the WendySpawn, Wendy is hovering outside a door, clearly waiting for her husband. A woman exits the school and tells her that they have to begin the meeting because the headmaster's on a tight schedule. Wendy understands. Her phone rings and she checks it, and it's a message from Shane saying he can't make it and he's sorry. Wendy tightly follows the woman inside the school. After the meeting, Wendy paces angrily back and forth, waiting for Shane. He scrambles up, asking if the meeting's already over. She informs him that it took half the time because there were half the parents there. She asks him what the hell happened and he lamely says he was working on details and she just says that they've had this meeting on their calendar for months so he should have been there because it's a tough-ass school to get into. That's when he drops the bomb: "Well, I don't think my not being there will ruin his chances."
Wendy's bullshit antenna goes WAY up and she's like, What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? What Shane means is, he's a loser and she's a winner because she's the famous mommy who writes the tuition checks and he's just the idiot with no money who drops the kid off and picks him up and gets the groceries. She totally wants to walk away from this ridiculous argument, but he stops her and she just busts out with, "You want me to apologize for who I am?" No, Wendy. Clearly he wants you to apologize for working your ass off for big paychecks that allow him to buy nice leather jackets and ruffled haircuts. To his credit, as Wendy rains on his parade, he makes an "I totally know I'm wrong but I can't stop myself" face.
But then he tells her that any opportunities he may have had in the past have passed him by, because he's been too busy with the kids to pursue them and she doesn't make time for him and she tells him that's a load of crap and he angrily responds that it's not and this whole argument is so retarded and archaic that I feel like it should be retrofitted into an episode of Mad Men. He tells her to stop treating him like one of the kids, and she tells him to stop acting like one then, and this prompts him to say that she likes it better when he acts like one of her assistants, but honestly, her assistants don't do anything but play Sudoku all day and stare at her while she talks on the phone, so I seriously don't think she'd dig it if he started acting like THAT.
Uch. Fake Tokyo. Victory explains to her dragon lady boss person that she wants to move into couture, so that's why she was trying something new at Fashion Week. Dragon Lady just knocks her down, saying that there's no money in couture, but there IS money in the old Victory Ford label. Just then, some guy with a portfolio enters and hands it to Victory, saying he can't wait to work with her. Victory's all, "Buhhhh?" Dragon Lady explains that this dude makes copies and he's going to do so with the old Victory Ford designs and they're going to make a fortune. Victory flat-out says no way and goes on to say that people may not have liked her latest designs, but they'll like the ones. She hands the guy his portfolio and leaves.
Somewhere in Manhattan, Nico sits in the back of the company car, crying over what she's just done. She's a mess and she tries to pull herself together as the driver looks at her in the rearview mirror. Nico touches up her lipstick and ignores him and tries to calm herself. On a side note, did the car WAIT for her at Kirby's house while she banged him? Because talk about misuse of a company car...
Over at Wendy and Shane's, she's checking her cell phone, probably to see if Shane's called, but she needn't bother -- he's walking in the front door. They give each other some shamefaced "heys" and he immediately says that he hates that he said those awful things to her. She says she does too and moves toward him, but he holds up his hand and tells her to stop. He's been walking around for hours trying to figure this thing out. He says that when he's with her and the kids, he doesn't feel like nothing; but the second he walks out the door, that all changes. He tells her that this isn't her problem, it's his. Her star's going to keep rising and rising and he's going to be stuck at the house looking for band-aids and cleaning up cat puke. He claims he's just going to have to get used to it, but it gets harder every day. She kisses him and says they'll figure it out, but he doesn't seem so sure. The look on her face as she hugs him suggests that she's not so sure either.
Fake Tokyo. Victory is pacing in her IKEA hotel room when her phone rings. It's Bennett, telling her that he's potentially losing $20,000 by calling her himself. She laughs through her tears and he asks if she's crying and she launches into this rather funny little speech wherein she explains that she's a cryer; she cries. All the time. She cries and then she goes back to work. And people think she's funny and cool and optimistic and yet she's over here, just...crying. "It went well, huh?" Bennett asks. Victory sobs that she's too close to her product and she starts seriously losing it and Bennet seems at a total loss as to how to handle this, which is funny in and of itself. "I just wanna be home already!" she whimpers, falling down on the bed. Bennett smirks and tells her that a man named Hichiro will be there in ten minutes and she should be ready.
Soft girly-love music plays as we skip forward ten minutes and there's a knock at the door. Victory is all packed and ready to go. She tells the knocker to come in and it's Hichiro. "Mr. Bennett's jet is waiting," he says, bowing, and revealing that he's brought along a pink cupcake for her to gnaw on. Victory gathers up all her things and the thing we know, she's exiting Bennett's plane and he's on the tarmac waiting for her. She walks up to him and tells him that she hates all of this. She hates that he sent a jet for her, she hates that she liked riding in it so much, she hates his smug attitude, and she hates that he thinks he's a hero just because he had his assistant call for the jet. "Actually, I called for it myself," he says. She narrows her eyes at him and he tells her that he could've waited in the damn car instead of on the tarmac and he doesn't freeze his ass off for anybody. And then he kisses her. She kisses back, but interrupts it to tell him that she doesn't like being rescued and he just tells her to chill and calls his driver to bring the car around.
Later that night, the girls gather on Victory's balcony. Victory brings the champagne and Wendy and Nico bring the sour faces. Nico tells Victory that Shane and Wendy are going through a rough patch and Wendy gets teary as she worries that her marriage has become something less than solid. She feels like a loser. Nico tells her she's not a loser and that she's gorgeous and smart and funny and that she deserves to be loved because of those things, not in spite of them. They all hug in that way that women NEVER do as Victory assures her that things will get better. "And if they don't..." Nico steps in. "We'll move to the woods and make moccasins." Is that the only option? Victory passes out the champagne and insists that they all get slobbered together so they should drink up. "I lost my virginity in moccasins," says Wendy as she slams back a healthy slug. Nico chokes on hers and giggles. "You remember what shoes you wore?" "It was the most memorable thing about it," Wendy deadpans. Everyone laughs and hugs and drinks and oh their life is so fabulous yet real yet sad yet mine!
Except not.
Excuse me while I take Candace Bushnell out back and strap her to the hood of a Honda and drive off in a hailstorm.